What Sucks…Elizabeth Lambert

Sometimes, although very rarely, when I say “What Sucks…”, what I kind of mean is “What Is Incredibly Awesome…” This is one of those times. Can you LOOK at this lunatic soccer player from University of New Mexico, Elizabeth Lambert do her Hanson Brothers impression and not fall head over heels in love with her?

Try it, I dare you. She plays soccer like she’s Jeff Beukeboom for Christ-sakes. And I’m not a fan of soccer by the way- any game where the ball hits you on the head and it DOESN’T make a blooper reel is not for me. Until now.

By the way, apparently all she got was a yellow card- what do you have to do to get a red card, leave a body count? Lady Lobos? Hardly!
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What Sucks...New Derrick Comedy Video- Boy Band

The awesomeness that is Derrick Comedy came out with a new video the other day- check it out and go see their movie when it comes to your town!
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What Sucks…Carrie Prejean

Most of the time when I post about something that sucks, I’ll do a charming little write up complete with jokes made at the expense of whatever sucks, or the elderly, or both. But sometimes a story comes along and all I need to do is tell it.

This is one of those times. (By the way, thanks to TMZ and my old college roommate who were both all over this like white on rice.)

Noted moron, Carrie Prejean got booted from one of her conservative speaking gig due to her appearance in a sex tape- a sex tape where she appears solo. (Let that sink in for a second. Solo! She didn’t even have the decency to be filmed having sex with some sketchy dude she met one night when she was a waitress! Solo!)

If you’re keeping score, this is like the 3rd time she’s whored it up since she claimed to be a victim for the backlash she received due to her stance against “opposite marriage”. I don’t know why these conservative D-bags canceled her appearance by the way, they all really blew a good chance at getting laid.

Even better, apparently, for some reason, her mom was allowed to see the tape of her daughter. EMBARRASSING! Apparently this all came to light when she was trying to sue the Miss America Beauty Pageant for like a million dollars or something.

See no jokes here, just reporting!
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What Sucks...The Mets

Ripped this off the Big Lead.

27!
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What Sucks…Flat Tires (The 1st in a Series of Homonym-like Phrases in Which Both Meanings Suck)

Sometimes a phrase can mean two different things and both of those things can suck really bad. This is the case with the term “Flat Tire”.

Imagine yourself driving along, minding your own business when your car suddenly starts making a terrible noise and you begin lurking over to one side. More than likely, you have a flat tire and there are few things that suck more. Now you have to pull over, physically change your tire- or risk ruining your rims- and eventually replace the tire, which costs coin.

Now picture yourself walking through a crowded hallway during high school. You have acne, your body is growing and you haven’t been able to adjust to it properly and your voice is in “mid-change” form. You just want to get to your next class or your locker so you can go about your business and get on with your life when someone steps on the back of your shoe, causing it to come off. This is also a “flat tire”, and it too sucks.

So, is the term “Flat Tire” the suckiest term in the English language because of the double wallop? You can make a case. One thing is for sure however, in order to improve its image, the phrase “Flat Tire” would probably have to come to mean “getting oral from a Unicorn” in order to BEGIN to make a dent in the suckiness associated with it.
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What Sucks…Facebook

Why does Facebook always make changes to their product so that they’ll suck more? Each incarnation pisses people off more and more. FB 8.0 is gonna be like a herpes sore or something. Their new thing is to be just flat out lewd- showing me a picture of a girl I went to high school with in the upper right hand corner, then telling me to "poke her". Dude, that time is passed, she's married with kids now, have some respect! You’re coming off very “Jodi Foster movie”.

And yes, I have scratched out Regina’s last name and changed her picture to Elisabeth Shue to protect her integrity. The woman is trying to lead a life, she doesn’t need Facebook trying to ruin her marriage!
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What Sucks…Playboy

What is happening at Playboy? This month Marge Simpson was on the cover and next month, they’re going to have Tara Reid. That’s “not that funny” and “shit- you gotta be joking, right?” respectively.

Tara Reid? Really, are there guys out there who haven’t seen her naked? I mean like, in person, after a night at a bar? Folks, American Pie was in 1999. It’s 2009 now. The only magazine doing a spread on this chick should be "Liver Abuse Quarterly" (they had to move to quarterly due to sagging sales, print media is taking a beating)!



She can’t be the centerfold, right? What would be her turn-ons? Long walks on the beach, and guys who really know how to ‘hold hair’?

And Playboy, do you have any idea how many plastic surgery scars she has? You’re going to have to do so much airbrushing you might as well save your money and go with “an artists’ rendering”. All the soft focus and filtering you’re gonna have to do, it’ll look like you shot this thing in a dream sequence. Do us a favor, while you’re in there photo-shopping, pop Megan Fox’s head on there as well.
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What Sucks…Whorish Halloween Costumes For Kids: Perv Watch V.26

Lookit, I have long been a proponent for women’s Halloween costumes which present the simple concept of dressing like an indian, nurse, police officer (gotcha) or cowgirl and combine it with looking like an slutty, slutty whore. It’s good for men, it’s good for America.

But the key word in the above sentence is “woman”.

This year, what can only be described as an “ass-load” of Halloween costume companies seems to be trying to A) turn your “tween” daughter into a whore and B) get this guy, in trouble. (I’m kidding, that’s Eddie Pepitone, a gifted comic actor living in LA, buy his CD here so he doesn’t get mad at me for using his picture.)

So, WTF, Halloween costume making companies, are you staffed entirely with pervs? People want to trick or treat in their neighborhoods, not the seedy-side of a town in Thailand! Look at some of these costumes!

A Geisha girl? Are you shitting me? Great. Halloween costumes for peds with Asian fetishes!

Here’ s the Scarecrow and the Cowardly Lion from “The Wizard of Oz”, apparently the remake directed by Larry Clark!

Yo, ho, ho- in a big friggin' way. Yeah, send your daughter out in this, next year she’ll be going as a rape victim!

What Sucks Bonus…Sexy Ghostbusters



Once again, I’m all for whoring it out this time of year for adults, but come on- sexy Ghostbuster?

WTF? This wasn’t even in the movie? I’m all for whoring it up on Halloween but come on- have we really exhausted every single possibility that you now need to start making up, potential whory costumes? Did I miss “sexy accountant” and “sexy repo-girl”?
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What Sucks…Roman Polanski!

Roman Polanski headed for extradition!

This is good news for many reasons, not the least of which is that Hollywood gets a chance to get this story right. And yes, I realized that normally you shouldn’t need a Mulligan when it comes to supporting a guy who raped 13 year old, but we have one so, let’s make the best of it.

Here’s a couple of tips on how not to make the same mistakes you made last time, Hollywood.

1) Do NOT circulate petitions saying he should be released! Don’t do it. And if you see a petition for it, don’t sign. The public isn’t going to understand anyone signing that thing other than R. Kelly! And they shouldn’t its just not cool!

2) If someone asks you why you think he should be released, saying “he’s a good director” is not a good enough reason!

Look, I love Star Wars, but that doesn’t mean George Lucas gets to have his way with Miley Cyrus. Even though you know he would. Look at that guy- he’d like nothing better than to get his excess neck-skin in a room with her! I digress.

3) Do not try and downplay what Polanski did by saying it wasn’t “Rape-rape”. I shouldn’t even have to say this. By the way, rapes other than “Rape-rapes” are still bad. Hollywood is still having a hard time with this- someone quoted noted old gay dude Gore Vidal the other day calling the woman Polanski raped a “hooker” the other day.

WTF?

Why is this so hard for people to understand? It’s NOT Chinatown!?! Which leads me too...

What Sucks Bonus...The End of Chinatown


Ahem, spoiler alert, 35 years later.

Why doesn’t this movie get more shit for its ending? Yes, I understand it’s a great film in respect to the whole noir thing and it looks pretty amazing and the story is pretty damn good and Nicholson is excellent and overall it is a classic, no problem there.

But the ending, more specifically the last line- come on.

“Forget it Jake, it’s Chinatown.”

Forget it? How fucked up was Chinatown in that era? A woman was just shot in full view of 40 people by a cop who no one denies is basically an employee of the man who raped her 17 years earlier! Oh yeah and that rapist guy? He’s also her dad AND the father of her child. Oh and he also basically had her husband killed and “Forget it Jake, it’s Chinatown.” is what the guy says?

Oh yeah, it’s Chinatown, my bad. I forgot. I’ll go get a “unicorn burger” and hang out with the two-headed Elvis at the all night strip club/ slaughterhouse down the block. Oh hey, can I borrow a centaur tooth, I’m out of them and apparently that’s the currency here cause we’re in Chinatown.

At least the Wire has Omar killed in the final year.
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What Sucks...ME!

I haven't thrown anything up here in a few days, I'm sorry I will hit this shit up backdate-style today!
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What Sucks…The Cleveland Indians

Tonight the last two Cy Young Award winners, who both won the award while pitching for you, will face off in Game 1 of the World Series. And earlier today, you gave your team to Manny Acta, the guy who just managed the Nationals, and who before that was a coach on the Mets.

Enjoy.
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What Sucks…The David Spade Tommy Boy Direct TV Ad

Sorry to join the chorus of voices on the net disgusted by this ad a little late, but what’s that old phrase? Better late than never except when showing up to a Sandra Bullock film.

I can’t see how doing this ad could be cool with David Spade. First off, he’s a pretty successful comic. If he spent all his SNL money, and his Joe Dirt money and his Tommy Boy, Black Sheep, Just Shoot Me, Showbiz Show, Rules of Engagement money, he should still have the money from those Capitol One commercials, shouldn’t he?

And hey direct TV, why don’t you do one of your ads with someone who isn’t dead? Last year you did Poltergeist, now this? There are a zillion movies out there- chose one with live actors!
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What Sucks…Vultures

Behold, the bird’s entry into the “World’s Shittiest Animal Sweepstakes”- the vulture.

Vultures look like this, eat rotting flesh and defend themselves by projectile vomiting at their enemies. Throw in the fact that that they can fly, can grow to have wing spans of close to 6 feet, and grunt and hiss like giant snakes when they feel threatened, and you have an animal fashioned from the nightmares of Edgar Allen Poe, as directed by Tim Burton, in a very bad mood.

Toss in the popular notion that you only see these things when you’re alone, near death, somehow stuck walking alone through a dessert, and we’re pretty much talking about the opposite of a butterfly here.

Consider these vulture fun facts: (Spoiler alert- they are not fun).

- a vulture can eat a diseased corpse of an animal, and through its digestive system, the disease will be rendered neutral, that is to say, the vulture’s poop will be clean. Which is nice.

- the vomit of a vulture has more acidic content than acid rain, and if its incredible stench doesn’t scare away its predator, the vomit contacting the skin will actually burn it.

- vultures urinate on themselves as a method of cooling their skin and destroying bacteria that may have gotten on them while feeding on a dying, diseased animal. Sure, they could be more careful about eating, but then they wouldn't have the need to pee on themselves.

- a vulture will often begin eating an animal corpse at its anus or at its eyes. Why? Because in most cases, that is where the dead animal is most vulnerable. So, ah, take that, other animals who think they’re creepy- I’m talking to YOU- eels, tapeworms and ticks.

- vultures can smell a dead mouse under leaves at 200 feet in the sky. To put that in perspective, consider that if milk smells bad, you know immediately to not put it in your coffee- the vulture would be all like “ah, no, it’s the other way around.”

So, nice job on the vulture, God, seriously give yourself a pat on the back.
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Musical Theater Majors Are Doing Their Part...

These nerds from glee club have the grapes to go in and cause what passes as a ruckus for them, so we can get out from underneath the grips of a corrupt industry, who as a practice, refuse to pay for people’s medical treatment all the time.

These pigs, (the insurance lobbyists, not the cast of your high school’s production of “Carousel”) react with dismissal and laughter, and why shouldn’t they? After all, they’ve spent an unprecedented amount of money to buy your politicians, and then have them routinely dismiss the need for a public option, even after a large majority of the people- both democrats and republicans- favor reform, while themselves subscribing to a publicly funded, free form of health coverage for their loved ones.

You must be thinking- what balls. If you are, you’re probably thinking like the musical theater geeks above right before they were moved to action. Sadly, their “action”, is writing a musical parody of Annie, dressing up as lobbyists and singing it one by one after they’ve infiltrated this douchebag seminar.

But imagine they had another way of expressing themselves? Imagine could express their outrage, in a way other than a song parody of a long-running Broadway show. Imagine if step two of their plan did not NOT involve rhyming the word “deductible” and inserting it into a song from the score of Jesus Christ Superstar.

If you can imagine that, then you’re half way to doing YOUR version of what these nerds did. Are you a baker? Design a cake that has written on it the words “Insurance Companies Suck”. Are you a tattoo artist? Draw “F Aetna” on someone’s arm. Are you a hooker? Then don’t have take anyone in the health insurance industry as a client, or better yet, charge them double or give them the clap.

These douchetards, (health insurance lobbyists and the walking human failures that are our politicians) should see reminders of their actions everywhere they look, at all times.

These nerds stood up and I never was so proud to have been in Joseph & The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat as a Junior in High School in my life (I did it for the chicks, I swear.)

What are YOU willing to do?
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What Sucks…Quick Hits: Lil’ Wayne, Jon Gosselin, Ashlee Simpson, Driving A La-Z-Boy While Drunk

…Lil’ Wayne

Pleaded guilty to attempted gun possession. A judge will sentence him later this month, once he gets over the fact that this case had nothing to do with weed. Holy crap- to find the gun on this dude, how many one-hitters did police run their hands over while frisking him?


…Jon Gosselin

Finally returned the $180K he stole from his family. AHEM, in a related story, say it with me America, Ed Hardy clothing stores reported $180K in returned clothes.


…Ashlee Simpson

Fired from the new Melrose Place. Next up for the failed pop-singer? Sucking at painting! Seriously, after her album bombing this is the 2nd bad thing to happen to Ashlee Simpson in a row- 3rd if you count marrying Pete Wentz!


…Driving A La-Z-Boy While Drunk

This dude pleaded guilty to driving a motorized La-Z-Boy while hammered. I don’t blame him, pretty hard to fight a DWI when you’re caught on a vehicle that would only make sense to be in when you’re shit-faced. What happened, he drive along until he heard a cop say over his PA “pull the chair over!”
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What Sucks…The Nasty Film That Forms On Your Blackberry Screen When You Talk On It For A Little While

Is there a name for this thing yet? How bout “Blackberry Ear Cheese Residue”? Or perhaps “Ear Sweat Film-Berry”? Maybe “Ear Deposit Berry-Coating”? “Black-Ear Berry-Scum”? “Froth-Berry”?

“Blackberry-Crust”?

It can’t just be sweat, can it? How much can the human ear perspire- it’s all cartilage isn’t it- this thing threatens to violate the replacement policy of my terms of service agreement with Verizon due to “water” damage!

Producing off-color wax, unsightly hair, and now this? How disgusting is the human ear?
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