Tuesday, June 27, 2017

What Sucks...Spiderman Homecoming! Perv Watch: Vol. 38

Hey, people in charge of the new Spiderman movie, we get it, you want us to want to boink Aunt May.  Seriously, way to be subtle. She’s gone from old lady to “less old lady” to Mona Lisa Friggin Vito.  When the new reboot comes out (72 hours after Spiderman Homecoming is released) who’s going to be playing Peter’s aunt next, Margot Robbie with Blake Lively’s head?  Here’s an idea, make sure the movie works before you start casting Rihanna as Peter’s primary caretaker- no one wants to be aroused by Aunt May, pervs!

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Thursday, March 23, 2017

What Sucks…Nazis! (Alt-Right, Richard Spencer)

I won’t pretend to know what keeps the slight flicker of the Neo-Nazi movement alive (outside of prisons) in our country.  (Inside prisons, I get it.) I understand that there’s little to do in the Midwest, but to go so quickly from “Geez, I’m bored…” to “let’s paint Swastikas on the side of a building, ‘cause we’re better than everyone else!” is a pretty big leap, I mean, no macramé?  It’s a fine hobby!

And you would think also, the 70-year losing streak (again, outside of prisons) that Nazi’s have suffered since World War II, might turn some off to the movement, but for some reason, no.

There is some good news I guess.  Yes, it’s a bummer that Neo-Nazis exist, but, if we absolutely had to endure them, I for one am glad it’s this latest incarnation, born of web-only sausage parties that has rebranded to the term “Alt-Right”. 

Now while a lot of media present the “Alt-Right” as a disturbing threat on the horizon, and rightfully so, their mantras are despicable- a lot of media also presents them as, adorable and…rightfully so.  Look how dapper!  (More like, Tommy HEILfiger!)

I personally don’t think they’re going to make it, because you can’t be menacing, and also look like the set design crew from your local high school production of Pippin.  You have to choose, right?

And since when do Nazi’s “rebrand”? Nazis famously “own it”, that’s part of their thing. And, “Alt-Right” is what you come up with?  Does genetic superiority not extend to marketing? Have some pride, White-Pride movement. 

The man above is Richard Spencer, one of the “leaders” of the Alt-Right and the President of Nationalist Policy Institute.  A few months ago, he was famously punched in the face.  I don’t know if they ever caught the guy who did it, but one look at Spencer’s face and any good lawyer should be able to get him off on “entrapment”. 

Spencer is the face of Nazism in America.  A tough guy who looks like if something isn’t done about immigrants coming into this country...he’ll just have to insist again that something be done.  After that, he may have to run up to his bedroom and loudly slam the door and turn up the music (30 Seconds To Mars?) really loud.  If that doesn’t work, and I hope it doesn’t come to this, he may hold his breath. 

So yes, Neo-Nazi’s are back, as the “Alt-Right” and their leader is a 38 year-old yearning for the America of old when….I’m guessing, Friends was in first run production?  He's 38.  Ah, maybe when MTV played videos?!  When wine-coolers were kind of big?  

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

What Sucks…The Reaper

My favorite episode of The Gong Show is the one where every single contestant who comes out, sings “Feelings”.   Of course, the great Chuck Barris acts as if he has no idea what’s going on. After the first two contestants perform, Chuck pledges to get to the bottom of this confusion, and apologizes for the mix up, only to bring out the next guest who, of course sings “Feelings”. 

The audience growing restless at this point, Chuck assures them he’ll get this straightened out, before bringing out the next contestant who sings “Feelings”.  And so on and so forth until the hilarious ½ hour was up.  What a great show and a great character. 

Living to 87 is no short change, so RIP to the great Chuck Barris.   

Monday, February 29, 2016

What Sucks...The Reaper

Colorful character actor, George Gaynes, whose memorable turns as Soleil Moon Frye’s step-dad in the 1980’s sitcom “Punky Brewster”, as well as Dustin Hoffman’s would-be suitor in Tootsie, died this month at the ageof 98. 

Gaynes, who was also a veteran Broadway stage actor as well as a trained opera singer, will unfortunately be remembered for a disastrous run as a high ranking New York City Police official that started in the mid 1980’s. 

As “Commandant”, of the Police Academy, Gaynes was at the center of a controversial program, designed by the city’s first female mayor, to increase police recruitment by lowering academy entrance standards.

While some may say the experiment was bold in nature, few dispute its failure.  Tasked with the unenviable position of implementing the program, Gaynes struggled to maintain discipline within the Academy from the beginning, and his tenure was marked by scandal after scandal. 

A city-wide riot, many say actually caused by a careless and clearly under-trained police cadet, lead to near disaster as criminals brazenly held police as hostages at gun point with their own weapons before being overtaken.  Any chance of goodwill being generated by the relatively safe outcome of the riot however was short-lived when it was revealed at the Academy’s graduation ceremony, a well-known prostitute was hired to sit under a podium and perform oral sex on a cadet who was giving a speech at the event. 

George Gaynes is survived by a wife, daughter, granddaughter and two great grand children. 
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Tuesday, January 12, 2016

What Sucks…The Reaper

Well, it looks like the Reaper has decided to be a real asshole this week. On Monday, he took the great Bowie, then, the next day, he took one of the great “that guy” actors of his generation,David Margulies.  You’ll remember Margulies as the Mayor in Ghostbusters.  It’s his “Lenny”, whose non-verbal as Bill Murray’s confirms that William Atherton (another great “that guy” actor), is “dickless”, that really cements that scene.  Add to it that Margulies also has to take in Ernie Hudson telling him he’s seen “shit that would turn you white”, followed by the “dogs and cats living together/ mass hysteria” rant, and you’ll forget that he’s the guy in the scene who’s NOT recognized as a American Comedy legend. 

You’ll also recognize this guy as Tony Soprano’s lawyer. 

RIP, Mayor Lenny, and thank you for saving the lives of millions of registered voters. 
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Monday, January 11, 2016

What Sucks…The Reaper

There’s not much to say here. David Bowie was a giant creative force for good in the universe and his loss makes this planet a much less cool place. The man has been responsible for a tremendous output of art over the course of his life. I can’t even keep a blog going. All I’ll say is this- don’t focus on him being gone, as much as should focus on everything he left behind. The guy was an alien sent from a very cool planet, we were lucky to have him.

Here’s Blondie doing Heroes. Followed by Nico doing Heroes. Followed by The Wallflowers doing Heroes. Followed by King Crimson doing Heroes. Followed by the man himself doing an acoustic version of it.

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What Sucks…Subway Performers Who Suck: A What Sucks Investigative Report! Part 2: The Steel Drum

Picture yourself on a beach in the Caribbean.  You are surrounded by beautiful flowers, a delicious frozen drink in your hand.  Your feet feel the fine, pink sand under them as a light breeze blows.  You look out into gorgeous crystal-blue ocean and begin to walk toward it.  Everyone in your line of vision is smiling and yes, behind it all is the subtle sound of a man using mallets to hit a steel drum.  How can this scene possibly get any more relaxing? 

Now picture yourself in a subway. You’re surrounded by crazy people anxiously awaiting the arrival of their train.  They need to get home, they’re late, they DON’T WANT TO BE IN THE SUBWAY and either do you.  Then, a person, begins to hit a mallet on a steel drum and you begin to vaguely make out John Lennon’s “Imagine”, but only one note at a time, and without any of the resonance the song carries with it.  Also, it’s really loud, and the pitch of the drum rips apart your ear as there is no large open area (the beach) or giant ocean to absorb the sound.  And the man hitting the drum is not smiling, he is not wearing shorts, or a colorful hat or a tropical styled shirt.  You almost long for the sound of the screeching wheels of a subway to drown out the clang of his drum, but its is still audible and he’s done with “Imagine” and moving on to “New York State Of Mind” by Billy Joel.

There is no way to confuse a tropical beach with a subway platform.  Everything about the two is different.  Sights, sounds, smells…tastes.  It is a place where Steel Drums have no earthly place.  No one hears a steel drum in the subway and says, “Oh yeah, this reminds me of a fucking tropical paradise.  This makes riding this underground train/ bathroom much better.” 

Also, let’s not forget this- the steel drum itself sucks.  It’s clangy, awkward and the opposite of soothing.  Matter of fact, and I am sure I will upset some of the “steel drumpurists” who regularly stop by my blog, but, I’d venture to say the tropical paradise setting is the only reason we tolerate the steel drum in the first place.  In an unscientific study I am conducting on Spotify right now, no one outside of the dude who runs your local “Cheeseburger In Paradise” shithole, is streaming anything with a steel drum in the continental US.  I’m sure many of us would move to stop a steel drum player ruining our day at the beach, if we weren’t immediately distracted by beach chair and a drink on our way over to kill him. 

So, get the steel drums out of the subway.  Subways are a place for rats dragging pieces of pizza, or bodies of other dead rats.  Having a steel drum on a subway platform, or having a subway train at a Caribbean beach for that matter, defeats the purpose of having a subway platform or a Caribbean beach, respectfully.  They can’t and shouldn’t exist in each other’s universe.   It’s like going to a public restroom, where they serve fine French cuisine. 

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Tuesday, September 29, 2015

What Sucks...Doggy Day Care

Greg Giraldo died on this date 5 years ago and while I was not close with him, I did pitch and write this bit for his show Stand Up Nation with Greg Giraldo. The pitch I wrote was a paragraph of about 5-7 sentences, Greg made all the jokes you see in here and is the reason its funny. He was a great, great comic. I worked on his show as a contributing writer and got to hang out in his offices for some tapings and a couple of late nights on nights before tape-days. In the time I was around him in the office he was a very cool guy and just really, really funny. Not really knowing him, I still definitely miss the guy and am very proud to have been able to write something he did. Man, he was funny.
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Thursday, June 25, 2015

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Elderly Twins, Cab Drivers, Mummenschanz, Mistresses

…Elderly Twins
Stop going out in public, running into you in any setting is chilling!

…Cab Drivers
I don’t even want to talk to these dudes to tell them where I want to go, yet they’re constantly on the phone- what lonely soul is on the other end of that phone?!

If Judgement Day comes down the way they say it will, we're gonna have a hard time explaining this.

Stop kissing the inside of shirt collars like that- ESPECIALLY if you're gonna wear that much lipstick!
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Wednesday, June 24, 2015

What Sucks…Subway Performers Who Suck: A What Sucks Investigative Report! Part 1: People Who “Drum” on Over-Turned Buckets.

It’s a widely accepted fact in New York City that the act of going down into the subway is not unpleasant enough.  The subway just doesn’t stink enough, there are far too few rats and without question, it is WAY TO FUCKING QUIET. 

So as New Yorkers, let us take our hats off to one of the underrated heroes that make traveling underground the experience that it is, the Subway Performer Who “Drums” on Over-Turned Buckets. 

That sound, so pure- it’s no wonder when I look back at old films of Buddy Rich or Ginger Baker, I always see them banging away on something that says “Cold Slaw” written on it, upside down.  Here’s my question, when New Yorkers give them money, the general idea is that we’re paying them to stop, right?  Hey “bucket drummers”, take the hint!

So, are these guys licensed?  Because from my understanding of Law & Order repeats, subway performers have to be granted a license from the city, or I don’t know if they weren’t we’d probably end up with a bunch of assholes down there banging on buckets!  But, are these guys actually allowed by the city to be there? Or, when a cop approaches do they just quickly get up, grab a fishing pole, and throw a blue-fish in their “floor tom”?  And yeah, it’s a floor tom, its all floor toms with these guys.  There is no snare, it’s a goddamned bucket. 

Now look, I am not saying they should be thrown in jail- I know their trying to make a living, but isn’t it time we did something about this?  How bout some kind of American Idol thing- there can be judges- a bum covered in his own filth, a rat and a person who administrates “stress tests” for the Church of Scientology.  They can review the street performer and determine where they go.  It’s a compromise, and it could be a step in the right direction.  Or just put these fuckers on the G Train, where they can bug the 14 people a year who take that thing to wherever it goes (the Island in Lost?). 

Next in the series: The Steel Drum!
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