What Sucks…The Reaper: UPDATED

BLOG NOTE: I literally can’t keep up with the Reaper.

Pulitzer Prize winning author Frank McCourt also passed this weekend, yesterday as a matter of fact. McCourt will be remembered for his memoir “Angela’s Ashes” which if it was even remotely true probably caused him to see the Reaper coming, and laugh his ass off as death, compared to his childhood was a walk in the park while eating a piece of cake.

Meanwhile, the Reaper is making a run for Time Magazine’s Person Of The Year.



Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

What Sucks…The Reaper

…A flash…apparently official…Walter Cronkite died Friday night, 7:02 PM Central Standard Time, 8:02 Eastern Standard Time, some 2 days, 14 hours and 38 minutes ago…

Over the weekend the venerable Walter Cronkite left us at the age of 92. Many of you, may not remember Walter Cronkite as his was a time when people watched the news on TV and would leave the program informed. He was often referred to as “the most trusted man in America” and just to give you an idea of where we’re at now in the wake of his passing, Greg Kihn of the “Greg Kihn Band” has inherited that mantle. Nice job, USA. (The Great Khali, of the ECW is third.)

Walter Cronkite reported the news with dignity and class. He felt that journalism was about the things that the people needed to know, not wanted to hear- a tradition carried on in today’s media by…sorry, I’ll insert a name here when the google search I did for “Dignity and Class” in TV reporting stops laughing at me.

When he voiced his disillusionment with the Vietnam, public opinion began to turn on that bullshit war. Also, he was a huge supporter of us going into space and was rightfully impressed when we landed on (read: tried to attack, but found no one there) the moon. In between those moments, and his famous, emotional reporting of President Kennedy’s death, Cronkite became the person many Americans looked to, to give them the news- bad and good, each night in their living room. Now? Name one member of the news media you’d let into your home to talk to you before you’d let in Tom Arnold. See? No one can do it.

He used to end every newscast saying “And that’s the way it is…”, the way it is now, sucks.

Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

What Sucks…Republican Senators During the Sonia Sotomayor Confirmation Hearings

Lookit, I know the blogosphere was all up in arms about how Republican Senators were questioning Supreme Court Justice Nominee Sonia Sotomayor in some borderline inappropriate manner- were they focusing too much on race, were they being respectful- etc. But of course like anyone else- I wrote it off as the crazy shit people on the blogs complain about.

Then last night as I was going through the transcripts of the hearings and watching the replays on C-SPAN, I came across some stuff that, well- some of these bloggers may have a point…


to Nominee Sotomayor, 12:18 PM Jul 16th

...Sing "La Cucaracha"

That's not even a question.


to nominee Sotomayor, 12:31 PM Jul 16th

"What goes in a Taco?"

Ugh! She's Puerto Rican- not Mexican!


to nominee Sotomayor, 2:47 PM Jul 16th

Mine is a 2 part question, first, how many El Caminos do you own and secondly, if confirmed, would Merengue blast from the courthouse, like all the time?

Horrible question. I'm embarrassed. And the worst one...


4:27 PM Jul 16th to Sotomayor:

Let me ask you, if we put up a fence at the border, who do you think is gonna build it?

There's no reason to quote Mencia!

Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

What Sucks…Hollywood (Bridget Jones 3)

Bridget Jones 3? Really? Bridget Jones is gonna be a trilogy? I don’t have a Bible on me right now, can someone please check the index to see if that shit shows up in Revelations? What’s that you say, Bibles don’t have an index? Well, they should.

Anyway, while wasting time I could have spent bettering the world, I came across this news that Bridget Jones 3 is in development. Now, technically, this will not affect me. I did not see either of the other Bridget Jones movies, nor will I see this one, but I did see this, on Entertainment Weekly’s blog…(click to enlarge).



Look at that description. Good lord. Read it aloud if you have to. I’d literally rather read a book than see something like that. I guess the two other Bridget Jones movies made money- I guess there’s a fan base but I’m not sure why. I think I walked by the TV screen once when one of the movies was on cable and I’m pretty sure I saw her telling her story to a bunch of Vietnamese women in jail. Maybe I imagined that I don’t know. I DO know however that Renee Zellweger is not hot. Not hot skinny. Not hot fat. And I say this as a guy who’s into “women eating Sour Patches porn”. (Porn, in which women eat the candy ‘sour patches’, and thus make that Sour Patches face.)

3 Bridget Jones movies, yet my crime solving botanist (This sapling is dead- and it was no accident!) screenplay gathers dust on some Hollywood shelf somewhere.

Blog note: I know nothing about Bridget Jones or the series of Bridget Jones books.

Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

What Sucks...The Emmys!!!

No nomination? We were robbed!

Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

What Sucks…The National League

Seriously- 13 losses in a row? And for 8 of those years you’ve had Albert Pujols on your team? How much better can American League steroids be than the ones you guys take? Can’t you go ahead and splurge once in a while and get the “good stuff”? And nice job last night starting Kelly Leak. (See pic below).



13 loses in a row? You guys are quickly becoming the crotch grabbing, tobacco juice spitting, Susan Lucci, or for anyone who’s worked with her would know, Susan Lucci!

Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

What Sucks Salutes Giant Balls…Joe Jackson

Speculating that the world may be interested in seeing Michael Jackson’s kids tour- as the Jackson 3- then saying that perhaps you’ll put that tour together for 2010?

Huge balls. Seriously.

Dude, the last performer you tried to shepherd into show business became a such a drugged out, walking punch line that no one will ever paid attention to a thing they said- (say it with me, America…) but enough about Latoya! (Audience rises to feet, throws roses.)

Seriously, haven’t you learned anything from the life of your son Michael? When will you be satisfied? When Blanket and Paris Michael install bunk beds in an oxygen chamber? When your wife as legal guardian of the kids is asked to co-sign for a Tilt-a-Whirl bathroom as an addition to the house that Prince Michael 1 is planning?

If you are to believe anything about your son, by all accounts he was painfully shy, yet even he- had to courage to call you out as an abusive wacko. A 3rd generation of Jackson performers is bad news for everyone.*

*denotes: except people who sell satin surgical masks.

Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

What Sucks…The Reaper

The reaper is getting a run for his money these days from psycho girlfriends. Whether its Steve McNair, or as it was over the weekend Arturo Gatti- I have to say, I’d almost rather take my chances with the Reaper- he may kill your ass, but at least he won’t get all psycho on you when you least expect it.

Arturo Gatti- as you can see here in a much more elegant way than I can deliver, was a warrior in the ring. His heart was giant and he fought with a passion seldom seen.

RIP, Arturo Gatti.

Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

What Sucks…Pins and Needles

“Fuck. Can’t…move…arm. I’m dying.”

“Holy shit! I can’t feel my arm, I’m dying!”

“I’m scared, there are thorns inside my skin. My arm feels like it weighs 30 pounds.”

“Fuck!

All of the above are commonly uttered phrases by people, still groggy, waking up and experiencing Paresthesia, regularly known as “Pins and Needles”.

So, yes, and to use a medical term, WTF? Pins & Needles blow. What, I fall asleep awkwardly on my arm, then wake up, groggy and am forced to have a heart attack because I think I’m slowly dying limb by limb?

Thank you, Creator (or “God” if you’re insane) for this amazing sensation and condition of the human experience. I am only thankful throughout the, ahem 27 years of my life, I haven’t fallen asleep awkwardly on my “privates” (read: dick).

Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

What Sucks Presents...If Bad Guys Tweeted!

Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

What Sucks...El Vacio: Breakroom Drama!

El Vacio: Breakroom Drama

Atom.com: Funny Videos | Atom Originals | El Vacio

An interview with Lowell Kennedy, from the new breakout drama, “Breakrooom Drama”.



WhatSucksBlog: So great for you to be here with us, we’re big fans of the show.
Lowell Kennedy: Thank you, great to be here.
WhatSucksBlog: So you play…
Lowell Kennedy: I play the character of Lance on the show. It’s a great role, very challenging, a lot of fun.
WhatSucksBlog: That’s great, I understand you originally read for the part of “new guy”, in the early stages of the show.
Lowell Kennedy: I did. Yeah, I came in, I read for “new guy” and the director and creator, Lebron James- ha, not the basketball player- said, why don’t you read for us this Lance character. At that time he, Lance was written as a 28 year old, character from Queens, and I was 26 and living in Brooklyn so, yeah it was a little bit of a stretch for me.
WhatSucksBlog: Well, not too much of a stretch, you got the part.
Lowell Kennedy: (Laughs) Yes, that’s true and thank god.
WhatSucksBlog: Do you have fun working on the show?
Lowell Kennedy: I do, but you know it’s a lot of hard work. We’re in that breakroom for a while, we’ve taken to calling it the “war room” because things get pretty intense in there. But the show is so amazing and the writing is so good- I think it’s like the new West Wing.
WhatSucksBlog: I’ve seen you tackle some heavy subjects…
Lowell Kennedy: The first show we did, the office loses it’s wi-fi, there’s no Spenda left- I read the script and I was like, okay Lebron- not the basketball player- looks like we’re jumping right into the shit here with two feet! I can say that, right?
WhatSucksBlog: Ha, ha, ha. Yeah don’t worry no one is reading this.
Lowell Kennedy: So yeah, anyway, we shoot in a real break room, which adds to the authenticity. And Lebron, well he’s the best at what he does.
WhatSucksBlog: I have to ask you about your co-star. We’ve heard rumors.
Lowell Kennedy: Ah…here it comes…
WhatSucksBlog: So what’s the deal, are you and Rebecca St. Monray an item? And is it true that you…
Lowell Kennedy: …met in the breakroom of this show? Yes. Weird huh, that this show would have a breakroom, and the show IS a breakroom.
WhatSucksBlog: Well, what’s it gonna have a “workroom”? Ha, ha, ha.
Lowell Kennedy: No. I…anyway, I guess everyone knows about it because wee were walked in on. We had sex in the breakroom of the show Breakroom Drama. Ironic. Anyway, Rebecca St. Monray, who plays Margot Savage by the way in the show, is an excellent actress, what happened between us happened and there’s nothing we can do about that but she’s decided to go back with her husband and 3 sister wives. She’s Mormon.
WhatSucksBlog: I wonder if that will work its way into a script someday soon- the breakroom stuff.
Lowell Kennedy: You never know with Lebron James, anything is possible.

El Vacio is on Atom.com.

Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

What Sucks…Al Sharpton

“There weren't nothing strange about your daddy. It was strange what your daddy had to deal with…”

Really? What did he have to deal with? Housebreaking a chimp? Feeding the giraffe in his backyard?

Nothing strange? This isn’t even true if you’re talking about the actual biological father of these kids!

And, hey- crowd at the Staples Center- sit down! How can you give a statement like that a standing ovation? I know you’re trying to show support for the kids- but you’re applauding a bozo who just said to Michael Jackson’s kid that there was nothing strange about their daddy, and one of those kids is named “Blanket”!



Blog Note: one thing I will say is, I have no problem believing that MTV would not play Michael’s early videos and in fact had to be threatened by the President of CBS records before they did- those people are responsible for Parental Control- you think that’s their only instance of evil?

Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

What Sucks...Buy My Friend Bob's Book!

Since there seems to be nothing much going on today...I thought I'd take a second to point out that friend of WhatSucksBlog, the very talented and super funny Bob Powers latest book, "The Terrible, Horrible Temp-To-Perm Debacle" came out today, so do yourselves a favor, stop searching the internet for "Foot Porn", for a minute and go buy it.

His last book, "You Are A Miserable Excuse For A Hero" just got picked up for a movie by the guy who did "High Fidelity", so today is kind of a good day for him.

What Sucks…Quick Hits: The Media & Michael Jackson, Michael Bay, Al Sharpton Part 1, Al Sharpton Part 2!

…The Media & Michael Jackson

Enough already, I saw Diana Ross interviewed the other day and she said when she heard the news, “a little part of her died”. Yeah- her cheekbones and nose! This is overkill, even Corey Feldman is turning down interviews at this point.



…Michael Bay

Look it, if you want to make robots racist, that’s one thing, but telling the sweet and lovely Megan Fox to “grow up” because she calls Transformers 2 a movie about special effects, is going too far. And PS- how exactly did you tell her that? “Hey Megan Fox, grow up! Now, if you will all excuse me, I have to go hang two giant wrecking balls from the legs of a Deceptacon so it looks like he has nards, because, you know, I have a serious film on my hands here.”



…Al Sharpton Part 1

Calling for a Michael Jackson postage stamp!? Yeah, great, a stamp where you have to sign a waiver saying you won’t sue before you're allowed to lick it!



…Al Sharpton Part 2

Calling for the media to back off and citing “different standards” they have in covering “black and white performers"? Dude, we’re in uncharted territory here, covering a “black AND white performer!" (no "s").

Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

What Sucks…The Reaper

Sometimes the Reaper robs us of someone in the prime of their lives, other times he takes the architect of the Vietnam War at the age of 93. The Reaper is weird like that. But then again, why would he take Robert McNamara early, the guy was good for the Reaper’s business, right?

For those of you who may not know, Robert McNamara was the guy who was so great in the 2003 Oscar winning Errol Morris film “The Fog Of War”. Problem was, to be in it, he had to be the Secretary of Defense for much of the Vietnam War.

A very bright man, McNamara graduated from the University of California at Berkley and then, later on, Harvard where he was voted “most likely to fuck up the country: America and Vietnam divisions". So weird how those polls can be so right. In addition to being in charge of Vietnam War, he was also put in charge of US Policy of Nuclear Deterrence in the 60’s. So, ah, how’d that go?

Oh yeah, before I forget, he was also in the room for the Cuban Missile Crisis and the Bay of Pigs. Some guys are always at those parties where two cute girls have a little too much to drink and kiss, Robert McNamara was always at that party where the world and the country were either on the brink of disaster or knee deep in it.

Wait- breaking news- a crane just collapsed in hell- a lot of damage, seems a new arrival knocked something over…let me see if I can find out more…

Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

What Sucks…The Reaper

Clearly the Reaper is going for Employee of the Month or something. Maybe with the economy in the shitter he’s working on a commission? I don’t know.

Steve McNair was an awesome quarterback for the Tennessee Titans and Baltimore Ravens. He went to college at Alcorn State where he just kicked ass. He played in one of the most competitive Super Bowls ever and came literally one yard from being a world champion. From all accounts he was a well respected leader on the field and a mentor to young players everywhere.

So of course, the reaper took him at at 36.

Steve McNair, RIP. On a personal note, I’m getting sick of telling everyone the Reaper sucks.
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

What Sucks Classic: Hooks For Hands: Happy 4th!

Be careful out there!

There’s plenty to be careful out there about- you want to avoid drunks on the road, you want to not exert yourself too much in that game of softball you may play tomorrow, you want to try to not burn your privates on a hibachi- but most of all you want to be as careful as you can around the fireworks.

Why? Because if you become like those people we’ve all been told about or read about who got too close to an M80 or a Blockbuster and you blow up your hand, the ugly truth is that doctors can’t help you. They can just put hooks on your arms where your hands have been.

“Gee thanks doc for these hooks. This is MUCH better. Now I have no hands and scare the shit out of little children. Thanks a lot. Sure you could somehow manage to put a dead puppy on the end of my arms, cause I want everyone to have nightmares.”

Fireworks suck anyway. Seriously, haven’t you seen everything they have to offer already? What new have they come out with? Keep a safe distance and keep your hands! Ever try and touch yourself with hooks?

Yeah, I’m the bad guy from the Fugitive, but those fireworks were great!

Happy 4th. I’ll be back on Monday.
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

What Sucks…The What Sucks True Blood Watch: Episode 3 Season 2

5 things Vampires did to make it seem it may not be a bad thing to have sex with them…

1) Vampire Jessica- so hot in that yellow dress, sweetly sharing a drink with Hoyt in the bar
2) Vampire Bill rushing heroically to save Sookie’s life after she was attacked by a monster in the woods.
3) That sexy Vampire Pam and how great she looked in those pumps!
4) How nice it was for Bill to go shopping for Jessica at the mall, and how nice it was for Eric to join him . Vampires shop in malls just like us! ☺
5) The way Eric helped out Bill when he needed someone to treat the cuts on Sookie’s back! (They must truly be old friends!)

5 things they did to make it seem that it may actually be, a bad idea to have sex with them…

1) Eric literally devouring a redneck he was keeping in his basement and tossing his limbs at Lafayette, who was chained up, being held prisoner.
2) Eric, Pam and that other vampire viciously feeding on a weakened and chained up Lafayette.
3) Eric “responding to threats” from Sookie, by snapping and viciously showing his fangs at her when she demands he release Lafayette from the ad hoc dungeon in the basement of Fangtasia.
4) Vampire Jessica unable to control her fangs and diving at Hoyt’s neck as they kiss on the couch.
5) How Bill viciously shows his fangs to Hoyt, while holding him by the neck after catching him kissing Jessica on his couch.
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!