Friday, April 20, 2012
Thursday, April 19, 2012
What Sucks…The Reaper
Say what you will about this dude, but he kept the Reaper at arm’s length with the best of them. Good night, sweet game show host, dude who hosted a show that featured teens shaking their money-makers and guy who sat across from a clearly hammered Ed McMahon talking about Bloopers, while his alcohol problem was contributing to other bloopers, being made in real time.
Sure, the last 10 years of you lowering the Times Square ball were more uncomfortable for us than the lowering of your actual balls were for you, but, Imma gonna let you off the hook for that one ‘cause you leaving us, takes away the number one dude in our society who was cool with going public with the name “Dick”. Yes, you were a television icon, but you were also an icon for those publicly named “Dick”. The most highly visible “Dick”, the poster boy of “Dicks” as it were. You wore it with pride, never tried to back away and go with “Richard” and for that, you left some seriously big shoes to fill. Good luck filling those shoes, Cavett, Van Dyke, Vitale, Butkus and Cheney, you bunch of dicks.
Public “Dicks” are a dying breed. They should be admired for their amazing comfort being called “Dick”. Treasure those dicks.
Dick Clark, RIP.
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Tuesday, April 10, 2012
What Sucks…So Long, Jagoff
Goodbye, worst candidate, ever.
Defined early on as the byproduct of a disgusting sex act, before actively campaigning against education, rape victim rights, and literally, the way you fuck, Rick Santorum, the worst candidate for anything, ever today decided to throw in the towel on his historic 2012 Presidential run.
So long, you animal. Your mere existence in this election should shame anyone in it who lost a single vote to you into retirement. That you actually won a few states is a new low for this country and should serve as the clearest message yet that Mitt Romney is a loser.
By the way, to be the worst candidate ever in an election that included Rick Perry and Michele Bachmann as candidates is saying something. That “something”, is that you are a world class douchebag.
A disgrace to Catholics everywhere, even the ped-priests, Santorum’s shittiness knew no boundaries as he questioned a woman’s place in the working force, completely missed the point of JFK’s legendary speech about religious tolerance and shit all over health care reform, even though he admitted he personally needs to fund additional care for family members.
Bad enough for you? No? Oh yeah, the guy rocks sweater vests.
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Friday, March 30, 2012
What Sucks...Season 2 of The Substitute!
Watch this show (Starts April 16th 7PM) so there is a season 3! Blog author has to eat (have to eat less, but still, eat!)
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Tuesday, February 07, 2012
Saturday, November 05, 2011
What Sucks...The Reaper
I think this just about says it all. Good night, sweet, irritable prince, good night.
Andy Rooney, RIP.
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Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
What Sucks…Happy Birthday Sting!
Congrats on your age finally catching up with how lame you are!
Hey, who’s that guy with the lute? Oh, just some 60 year-old.
Hey who’d want to hear a symphony take all the fun out of some old Police songs? Oh, some 60 year-old dude!
Editors note: Happy BELATED Birthday, Sting.
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Monday, October 17, 2011
What Sucks…Yahoo Trending Topics Make Sense!
Yeah, I’ll buy that.
Clearly today’s Yahoo Trending topics tell a perfectly sensible narrative, let’s take a closer look.
Okay, NATALIE PORTMAN is talented and hot and would never talk to me ever, OLIVIA WILDE is even hotter, no chance for me there, oh shit today is BOSS’ DAY?! Something like that exists? Someone made a Boss' Day? I didn’t get him/ her anything- and oh yeah I don’t have a boss because I am unemployed and have more credit card debt than any other time in my life, holy shit LINDSAY LOHAN? Ugh. Let me take a look at my STOCK PRICES. Jesus Christ All Mighty, I’ll be living in a box in a week, what’s my favorite football team? Oh, the 0-4 MIAMI DOLPHINS? Great, and Tony LaRussa is in another WORLD SERIES? Yeah, I need DEPRESSION TREATMENT!
Yeah, totally makes sense.
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What Sucks…Monday Morning Links Martindale!
Been a while since a Links Martindale was sent your way. Well, here's one chock full of stuff you've probably seen in 1000 different places on the web, it's just what the doctor ordered, if you have a shitty doctor.
...Here’s a cool Stephen Malkmus and The Jicks video directed by Scott Jacobson featuring Jack Black and a few buds of mine, in small roles.
…My friend Chris Regan has written with me in a sketch group when we were younger, and now William Shatner, how does it feel to achieve all your dreams? Check out "Shatner Rules".
…Here’s some cool stuff about the subway via the Voice’s Running Scared…
...Adam Spiegleman is quickly becoming an authority on bad movies and @ProudlyResents has a kick-ass podcast, check it out here and subscribe.
...Here's a frightening and disturbing report about a pizza delivery dude turning someone in for weed. Can those who are smoking weed no longer count on ordering a pizza buzz-kill free? Jesus! (via @Bobpowers1)
...The Diabolical mind of Sharon Hardy might be behind The Staten Islander...
...And seriously, fuck banks.
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Friday, October 14, 2011
What Sucks…Remaking Footloose!
In the age of retardation we currently live in, I have a problem with people remaking movies without making it even APPEAR as if there are trying to get them right this time around. And I know Footloose isn’t the first, second or even 80,000th to attempt this and I ALSO know I am making this judgment call based only on the trailer, but if you are among the many people scratching their head saying “Why are they remaking Footloose?” well, get ready for them to remake it again because they’re not getting it right.
Bothersome Thing About first Footloose:
Town, in America, bans dance. BANS- by the way, doesn’t discourage it, bans. Like, you could go to jail if you dance.
Bothersome Thing About Remake of Footloose:
They ban dance again! This is America! You can’t ban dance. And you know the people who made the film feel weird about it because they go into it TWICE in the 2:30 second trailer above that kids were killed in a car accident and that’s why they are banning dance but hey- Dennis Quaid’s preacher character- those kids weren’t killed by a step-ball change! Looks kind of like BOOOZE may have contributed a little. Maybe ban booze, oh wait- as a country for those under 21- we DO ban booze. Stop blaming dance for your problems!
The Fix:
The banning of dance was definitely a weird thing about the first movie. Like, everyone knew it couldn’t be done- but okay, they tried to pull it off. Footloose was released in 1984, audiences were like, okay fine we’ll give it to you. But then to re-make Footloose and not fix the “banning dance” thing, ugh! To fix it you have to lose the concept entirely or, start the film with these simple words….
Present Day…
Kabul, Afghanistan.
Bothersome Thing About first Footloose:
Very weird, extended dance scene with Kevin Bacon in a warehouse. Yeah, okay this was like a pretty uncomfortable scene where Kevin Bacon’s character is so frustrated with stuff that he just has to grab a beer, drive off and GO TO AN ABANDONED WAREHOUSE TO DANCE! To a Bonnie Tyler song, no less! (It may be Moving Pictures, too lazy to look it up!)
You know G-d for freaking bid you were an impressionable young person who DIDN’T have an older brother to show him what was cool and what was incredibly gay, and let’s say you were very frustrated with how things were going in your life and decided to blow-off some steam “dancing” in a public place like that- it’s irresponsible film making!
Did the scene age well? No, but Footloose later became loved for its camp, so the original film gets a pass here.
Bothersome Thing About Remake of Footloose:
It looks like they do the warehouse scene again! Come on- what are you thinking?! Terrible job here! I’d freaking ban dancing too if I lived in a town where boys were showing up to warehouses and busting moves like that! Jeeezus.
Bothersome Thing About first Footloose:
Extended sequence where Kevin Bacon tries and teaches Chris Penn how to dance. Lookit, dudes don’t teach other dudes how to dance and they especially didn’t do it back then. That part of the country has line-dancing solely for the purpose of avoiding the awkwardness involved in this sequence. Again, though the movie became loved for its camp so, the original gets a pass.
Bothersome Thing About Remake of Footloose:
It appears that they go right back to the “dance teaching sequence”. Come on! Dudes, it’s 2011- no one ties a rope from their waist to another guy’s waist in a high school hallway- even the producers of Glee are like “That’s over the line!”. Just write in a section where Ren shows his buddy an “It Get’s Better” video and cut together another tractor race or something. Lazy filmmaking!
Other things I hope they’ve changed from first film- the attempted rape of the girl character by her first boyfriend. In the original film, doesn't Lori Singer have to knee a guy in the nuts to get him to stop trying to boink her in a parking lot in broad day-light? I don’t remember, but I think so.
Also, from the trailer I can’t tell if producers of the film brought back Kenny Loggins, Denise Williams or Bonnie Tyler for the music. If they HAVEN’T, then lesson learned but part of me feels they may have.
Footloose opens this weekend!
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Thursday, October 13, 2011
What Sucks…Depression Is A Bathrobe!
Behold the image above for the latest slap in the face to bathrobe wearers everywhere! WTF?!
The ad is for something called “Abilify”, which isn’t so much a depression med as it’s an “add-on” depression med, something to augment your pills- I think, it’s not 100 percent clear- what IS 100 percent clear however is how these people feel about bathrobes!
I didn’t think the public depiction of the bathrobe could get any worse- in movies, they are the go-to outfit for crazy people- you’ll find one in every scene in any film that takes place in a mental hospital. Also, want to depict someone as a horrible person and don’t have the time to set up a proper character arch? Put the dude in a bathrobe, and have him walk outside his house.
Oh look at this dude in bathrobe, clearly he is sick, insane or both.
HEY HOLLYWOOD- SOME PEOPLE WEAR BATHROBES IN THEIR HOMES AND LEAD NORMAL, PRODUCTIVE LIVES! WHERE IS THEIR STORY?!
This meme has to be reversed! Did you know Thomas Edison wore a bathrobe when he worked? Try finding that in the upcoming movie about his life where he’s played by Channing Tatum and is also a crime solving vampire!
Someone quickly needs to do something good while wearing a bathrobe while at the same time everyone must resist the urge to go outside and direct traffic while wearing one. Together we can change the image of the bathrobe!
(This post is dedicated to the late Vincent "The Chin" Gigante the great wearer of bathrobes in public/ delayer of his racketeering trial.)
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Wednesday, October 12, 2011
What Sucks...Check Out "The Substitute"
Get More: MTV Shows
The show I wrote for over the summer- 4:30 PM on MTV everyday- here's a video where we give back to the young people of America who make our country what it is.
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