What Sucks...

What Sucks...The Reaper

2011-11-05T13:07:00.003-04:00

I think this just about says it all. Good night, sweet, irritable prince, good night.

Andy Rooney, RIP.
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What Sucks…This Headline!

2011-10-19T14:57:00.001-04:00

Seriously world, WTF?
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What Sucks…Happy Birthday Sting!

2011-10-18T15:38:00.004-04:00

Congrats on your age finally catching up with how lame you are!

Hey, who’s that guy with the lute? Oh, just some 60 year-old.

Hey who’d want to hear a symphony take all the fun out of some old Police songs? Oh, some 60 year-old dude!

Editors note: Happy BELATED Birthday, Sting.
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What Sucks…Yahoo Trending Topics Make Sense!

2011-10-17T13:14:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I’ll buy that.

Clearly today’s Yahoo Trending topics tell a perfectly sensible narrative, let’s take a closer look.

Okay, NATALIE PORTMAN is talented and hot and would never talk to me ever, OLIVIA WILDE is even hotter, no chance for me there, oh shit today is BOSS’ DAY?! Something like that exists? Someone made a Boss' Day? I didn’t get him/ her anything- and oh yeah I don’t have a boss because I am unemployed and have more credit card debt than any other time in my life, holy shit LINDSAY LOHAN? Ugh. Let me take a look at my STOCK PRICES. Jesus Christ All Mighty, I’ll be living in a box in a week, what’s my favorite football team? Oh, the 0-4 MIAMI DOLPHINS? Great, and Tony LaRussa is in another WORLD SERIES? Yeah, I need DEPRESSION TREATMENT!

Yeah, totally makes sense.
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What Sucks…Monday Morning Links Martindale!

2011-10-17T10:14:00.001-04:00

Been a while since a Links Martindale was sent your way. Well, here's one chock full of stuff you've probably seen in 1000 different places on the web, it's just what the doctor ordered, if you have a shitty doctor.

...Here’s a cool Stephen Malkmus and The Jicks video directed by Scott Jacobson featuring Jack Black and a few buds of mine, in small roles.

…My friend Chris Regan has written with me in a sketch group when we were younger, and now William Shatner, how does it feel to achieve all your dreams? Check out "Shatner Rules".

…Here’s some cool stuff about the subway via the Voice’s Running Scared…

...Adam Spiegleman is quickly becoming an authority on bad movies and @ProudlyResents has a kick-ass podcast, check it out here and subscribe.

...Here's a frightening and disturbing report about a pizza delivery dude turning someone in for weed. Can those who are smoking weed no longer count on ordering a pizza buzz-kill free? Jesus! (via @Bobpowers1)

...The Diabolical mind of Sharon Hardy might be behind The Staten Islander...

...And seriously, fuck banks.

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What Sucks…Remaking Footloose!

2011-10-14T12:52:00.001-04:00

In the age of retardation we currently live in, I have a problem with people remaking movies without making it even APPEAR as if there are trying to get them right this time around. And I know Footloose isn’t the first, second or even 80,000th to attempt this and I ALSO know I am making this judgment call based only on the trailer, but if you are among the many people scratching their head saying “Why are they remaking Footloose?” well, get ready for them to remake it again because they’re not getting it right.

Bothersome Thing About first Footloose:
Town, in America, bans dance. BANS- by the way, doesn’t discourage it, bans. Like, you could go to jail if you dance.

Bothersome Thing About Remake of Footloose:
They ban dance again! This is America! You can’t ban dance. And you know the people who made the film feel weird about it because they go into it TWICE in the 2:30 second trailer above that kids were killed in a car accident and that’s why they are banning dance but hey- Dennis Quaid’s preacher character- those kids weren’t killed by a step-ball change! Looks kind of like BOOOZE may have contributed a little. Maybe ban booze, oh wait- as a country for those under 21- we DO ban booze. Stop blaming dance for your problems!

The Fix:
The banning of dance was definitely a weird thing about the first movie. Like, everyone knew it couldn’t be done- but okay, they tried to pull it off. Footloose was released in 1984, audiences were like, okay fine we’ll give it to you. But then to re-make Footloose and not fix the “banning dance” thing, ugh! To fix it you have to lose the concept entirely or, start the film with these simple words….

Present Day…
Kabul, Afghanistan.

Bothersome Thing About first Footloose:
Very weird, extended dance scene with Kevin Bacon in a warehouse. Yeah, okay this was like a pretty uncomfortable scene where Kevin Bacon’s character is so frustrated with stuff that he just has to grab a beer, drive off and GO TO AN ABANDONED WAREHOUSE TO DANCE! To a Bonnie Tyler song, no less! (It may be Moving Pictures, too lazy to look it up!)

You know G-d for freaking bid you were an impressionable young person who DIDN’T have an older brother to show him what was cool and what was incredibly gay, and let’s say you were very frustrated with how things were going in your life and decided to blow-off some steam “dancing” in a public place like that- it’s irresponsible film making!

Did the scene age well? No, but Footloose later became loved for its camp, so the original film gets a pass here.

Bothersome Thing About Remake of Footloose:
It looks like they do the warehouse scene again! Come on- what are you thinking?! Terrible job here! I’d freaking ban dancing too if I lived in a town where boys were showing up to warehouses and busting moves like that! Jeeezus.

Bothersome Thing About first Footloose:
Extended sequence where Kevin Bacon tries and teaches Chris Penn how to dance. Lookit, dudes don’t teach other dudes how to dance and they especially didn’t do it back then. That part of the country has line-dancing solely for the purpose of avoiding the awkwardness involved in this sequence. Again, though the movie became loved for its camp so, the original gets a pass.

Bothersome Thing About Remake of Footloose:
It appears that they go right back to the “dance teaching sequence”. Come on! Dudes, it’s 2011- no one ties a rope from their waist to another guy’s waist in a high school hallway- even the producers of Glee are like “That’s over the line!”. Just write in a section where Ren shows his buddy an “It Get’s Better” video and cut together another tractor race or something. Lazy filmmaking!

Other things I hope they’ve changed from first film- the attempted rape of the girl character by her first boyfriend. In the original film, doesn't Lori Singer have to knee a guy in the nuts to get him to stop trying to boink her in a parking lot in broad day-light? I don’t remember, but I think so.

Also, from the trailer I can’t tell if producers of the film brought back Kenny Loggins, Denise Williams or Bonnie Tyler for the music. If they HAVEN’T, then lesson learned but part of me feels they may have.

Footloose opens this weekend!
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What Sucks…Depression Is A Bathrobe!

2011-10-13T19:35:00.000-04:00

Behold the image above for the latest slap in the face to bathrobe wearers everywhere! WTF?!

The ad is for something called “Abilify”, which isn’t so much a depression med as it’s an “add-on” depression med, something to augment your pills- I think, it’s not 100 percent clear- what IS 100 percent clear however is how these people feel about bathrobes!

I didn’t think the public depiction of the bathrobe could get any worse- in movies, they are the go-to outfit for crazy people- you’ll find one in every scene in any film that takes place in a mental hospital. Also, want to depict someone as a horrible person and don’t have the time to set up a proper character arch? Put the dude in a bathrobe, and have him walk outside his house.

Oh look at this dude in bathrobe, clearly he is sick, insane or both.

HEY HOLLYWOOD- SOME PEOPLE WEAR BATHROBES IN THEIR HOMES AND LEAD NORMAL, PRODUCTIVE LIVES! WHERE IS THEIR STORY?!

This meme has to be reversed! Did you know Thomas Edison wore a bathrobe when he worked? Try finding that in the upcoming movie about his life where he’s played by Channing Tatum and is also a crime solving vampire!

Someone quickly needs to do something good while wearing a bathrobe while at the same time everyone must resist the urge to go outside and direct traffic while wearing one. Together we can change the image of the bathrobe!

(This post is dedicated to the late Vincent "The Chin" Gigante the great wearer of bathrobes in public/ delayer of his racketeering trial.)
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What Sucks...Check Out "The Substitute"

2011-10-12T14:35:00.000-04:00

Get More: MTV Shows

The show I wrote for over the summer- 4:30 PM on MTV everyday- here's a video where we give back to the young people of America who make our country what it is.

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What Sucks Presents…Not Helping!

2011-10-11T10:35:00.000-04:00

…People Telling Joe The Plumber to Run For Congress!

Hey, a-holes, America is not “The Producers”, producing it in the worst way possible will not lead to a financial windfall!

…Netflix President’s Apologies

Dude, what the hell happened to your company? Three weeks ago, if anyone was going to apologize, it was going to be me for keeping Season 2 Disk 4 of Mad Men (…it’s not a wheel…it’s a carousel) on my desk unopened since October, 2010. Now I get an apology every other day from you, I suggest you rent The Godfather from yourself and watch this scene repeatedly.

…Hank Williams, Jr.’s New Song About Fox & Friends and ESPN

Dude, ESPN shit-canning you and Fox & Friends throwing you under the bus is not your First Amendment rights being denied, it’s just people using their right to free speech to take a dump on you. The song you should be singing is…

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME…FALL-OUT FROM CALLING THE PRESIDENT HITLER?! SOME MONDAY NIGHT...FALL-OUT FROM CALLING THE PRESIDENT HITLER!

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What Sucks Presents...Who Whore It Better?! (Get It?)

2011-10-10T18:28:00.007-04:00

It's Lady Gaga, V. Kim Kardashian in the first ever Who Whore It Better?! Vote once, vote often!

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What Sucks...Web Videos You Should Check Out: Curly Maple Surprise's Amanda Knox Video

2011-10-10T01:07:00.000-04:00

What's Next for Amanda Knox? - watch more funny videos

In the time of my blog-hiatus, old friends Ben & Alex are basically forming a media empire. Check out the video above they recently threw up on Funny or Die and check out the Ben & Alex: The Interviews. And peace unto yo' mama.
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What Sucks…Margie J Phelps

2011-10-07T13:46:00.004-04:00

Hey, you hatin' a-hole, next time you announce your intentions to go on another funeral protest- which are some of the most uncool things you can do by the way- this time for Steve Jobs, perhaps “tweet-it” from your blackberry, you jack-ass. By the way- how the hell do you have an iPhone? Who funds your funeral-protesting jaunts around the world and how come you cowards never protest the funeral of someone somewhere cold?

Call me, (on your iPhone 4S, I'm sure you'll get one, loser) when you go protest in Michigan in the dead of winter!

To everyone else, sorry I know these folks are depressing as hell, on a separate note, here’s something inspiring- that definitely could have gone much worse!

Have a good weekend, everyone except you, Margie, you’re a douche.

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What Sucks…The Reaper

2011-10-06T08:42:00.000-04:00

In the ongoing battle against all that sucks, in which the outcome by the way, hangs the very soul of our planet- the good guys took a major blow last night with the passing of Steve Jobs.

Jobs run as CEO of Apple is well documented and will be discussed thoroughly over the next few days by our shitty, shitty corporate-owned media. The many amazing items he created or spearheaded the creation of- the Mac, iMac, iPad, iPod, iPhone, etc. will be discussed at length. His legacy, however, of creativity and challenge- to both the people who designed for him and purchased his products- is what should be remembered most.

Jobs incorporated imagination into his products, and never seemed to take a cynical view of the people he was designing for. Try finding that now. He also faced adversity- being fired from the company he helped found, before being brought back to save it with the very creativity that lead to its birth. In between he found time to found Pixar and gave us Toy Story, Finding Nemo and the company that would release Wall E, The Incredibles, Up and many more amazingly thoughtful and challenging films.

He pushed the boundaries innovation and design and because of him, it is actually possible to think that people will respond to intelligence and imagination in a business model. People around the world today are using their Macs to edit, design, organize and tell their stories. They develop games and apps for their phones that make life simpler, more interesting and easier. In a world where our leaders so completely fail to work for the people who have sent them to lead, Jobs’ products have allowed many to lead themselves.

The term “visionary” has been used to describe Steve Jobs, and where that term may be misused often, for Jobs it seems to fit as the products he designed, inspired others and allowed others to create as well.

Steve Jobs was an extraordinary innovator who changed the world making it better for the future while honoring the best of our past and its incumbent on all of us, to be little cooler today, tomorrow and the next day to pick up the slack for his loss.

Steve Jobs, RIP.
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What Sucks…Quick Hits: French Divorce Settlements, Hollywood Walk of Fame, Banks, Cell Phones In The Subway

2011-10-05T10:01:00.002-04:00

…French Divorce Settlements

A man is ordered by a French divorce court to pay his wife ten thousand euros for not having enough sex with her! The decision is expected to be appealed and is being watched very closely by the guy who married Joy Behar!

…Hollywood Walk of Fame

The Hollywood Walk of Fame says NO reality stars will ever be enshrined on Hollywood Blvd! Sorry future-Jake from Bachelor Pad, you'll just have to settle for sleeping there!

...Banks

Charging for using your own Debit cards? Hey, we get it, you’re a-holes you can stop proving it every two seconds now!

…Cell Phones Working in The Subway!

Can you hear me now? Great, cause 15 foot rat just walked by me and it smells like pee down here.
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What Sucks Salutes Giant Balls…Dick Cheney

2011-10-04T13:41:00.000-04:00

Just finished Cheney’s new memoir “In My Time” and SPOILER ALERT, he’s Luke’s father.

Seriously though, you have to admire the sheer girth of the balls on this guy. The dude takes shots at Colin Powell saying he tried to undermine President Bush in the build up to the Iraq War and also calls Condolezza Rice naïve for her dealings with North Korea. Dude- you were the worst VP in history- you were so bad that America was literally okay with JOE BIDEN replacing you! That is unprecedented! Also, you shot a guy in the face and didn’t notify police for two days! You’re lucky the name of your book is not “In My Time, In Jail!”

Do I have to say that Amazon lists people who bought this book also enjoyed Animal-snuff porn? Because I don’t want to use that construct to make a joke.

And sales-wise, I am being told that after an initial splash, the book is being moved to an “undisclosed location”, which in the publishing world is a nice way of saying “a discount rack”.
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What Sucks… Anwar al-Awlaki

2011-10-03T09:52:00.002-04:00

Blown up over the weekend- ha, I love it. For those of you who don’t have your Al-Qaeda trading cards on hand (by the way, go with TOPPS, much better than Fleer) Anwar al-Awlaki is the guy often credited with coming up with the idea for the underwear bomber. Nice legacy dude!

By the way, memo to other al-qaeda:

Perhaps DON’T be the guy who is credited with coming up with the idea of putting explosives next to your junk, if your plan is, when you hit the after-life, to boink a shit-ton of virgins. These chicks are uneasy as it is! Adding the possibility of them having to defuse something Hurt Locker-style isn’t going to make the experience any less awkward!

By the way, can we say A-Qaeda is defeated now? I mean yes, they’re ruthless, murderous thugs, no doubt, but we’ve taken down the bad-asses of the group (KSM, OBL, etc) and now we’re dealing with an organization where the dude coming up with the idea of putting explosives next to your junk finds himself in the number three position? Their basically like Journey right now touring without Steve Perry and Neal Schon!

By the way- don’t think I didn’t try to shoe-horn a “I bet when he heard that drone missile getting close to where he was he made an ‘underwear bomb’ of his own” joke in here somewhere but couldn’t find the exact place to put it!

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What Sucks…I Don’t Know How She Does It

2011-09-30T12:05:00.000-04:00

What? Continue to look like a cartoon horse?!

Get female romantic leads in 2011?

Eat an entire carrot while being brushed in a barn?!!

Join the fun in the comment section and remember, as always- don’t be racist! (There is no reason anyone needs to be racist, we’re making SJP jokes!)

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What Sucks…America’s Most Wanted

2011-09-21T11:47:00.000-04:00

Is Lifetime really the best place for this show? Are we trying to track down criminal scum wherever they hide or dudes who say they’ll call, but don’t?!
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What Sucks…Two & A Half Men

2011-09-20T10:50:00.000-04:00

Starting the season off at the funeral of Charlie Sheen’s character? Wow, how often art imitates what-I-can’t-believe-hasn’t-happened-yet-in life.
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What Sucks...…Dancing With the Stars

2011-09-19T14:16:00.000-04:00

Chaz Bono? Nancy Grace? Rob Kardashian? Considering they’re in their 13th season, you’d figure by now just based on numbers alone these ass-clowns would have had to hire at least one star by now. Alas, no. 150 hires, all nobodies*.

*Once again, except the person who books the sports figures, who although they have had slip ups in the past (Rick Fox?) seems to be the only person to take the show’s title seriously. This show blows, but it rocks if I want to see some of the greatest players to ever play in the NFL dance.
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What Sucks...Mariah As You've Never Seen Her Before

2011-09-15T15:20:00.001-04:00

...unless you are her OBYGN!

Still in beta, friends!
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What Sucks...The Substitute! Watch This Show!

2011-09-12T12:36:00.003-04:00

The Substitute - MTV Shows

Hey- my new show debuts today on MTV starring the great Jon Gabrus (Mocap, LLC) check it out, will ya? Then write an email to MTV saying it changed your life (for the better!) Y'all wrote letters to keep Cagney & Lacey on the air- you can do it here too!

It's on Mon-Thurs at 4:30 PM! On MTV!
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What Sucks…Madonna

2011-09-08T16:54:00.003-04:00

People, people PLEASE! How many times have I told you NOT to give Madonna Hydrangeas! She “absolutely loathes them”. She doesn’t care if there’s an open mic, or if she’s being filmed, or if you had no way of knowing how much she hates Hydrangeas- she WILL shit on you publicly. PLAY IT SAFE- GO WITH SOMETHING YOU KNOW SHE’S INTO-

Much younger man penis. A few of them if you can. If they play in the NBA or even if they are an unknown personal trainer/ borderline street hustler- all the better.
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What Sucks...Peppermint Breeze Tea

2011-09-07T10:51:00.000-04:00

"Peppermint Breeze"? When did we start naming tea after strippers?

That's it. Look, we're still in beta! All right, here's more and remember, you've seen it here 10,000th- one of my favorite comedians talks about my favorite comedian.

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What Sucks…This Guy

2011-09-06T15:06:00.002-04:00

His name is Milijenko Parsarisas and I hope I am spelling that correctly though it’s not like he’s reading- he’s probably checking out “Eat-Prey-Love”. Again. Anyway…he’s spent over a million pesos (like 35 bucks*) to put 82 tattoos of Julia Roberts over his body. 82 tattoos of Julia Roberts! Mostly from her movies (although not from ‘Larry Crowne’ I mean come on, the dude's not crazy! Hanks on a Vespa? That's a movie now?)

By the way, a Milijenko Parsarisas Fun Fact: if he spins around in front of you really fast, you can see the first 20 minutes of Erin Brockovich! They're called boobs Ed!

Hey Milijenko Parsarisas- I know she’s a “Pretty Woman” (get it?) but not when I’m looking at her on your man-tit!

*denotes may not be true in today’s economy.
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What Sucks…Blog Note/ Site News

2011-09-05T13:07:00.002-04:00

Holy crapola, it’s been talked about for months- the internet has been waiting with bated breath- when will WHAT SUCKS be back? And what the hell happened? Did suckage win? Were we, the 34 people who kind of come here every now and then, abandoned and forced to go it alone against all that sucks?

Well, what happened, as we all know, was that the economy went into the shitter because of ~~Wall Street & the banks~~ public sector unions, and I needed to get a job, bad. Just had a kid, selling my body wasn’t an option, so, long story short, I needed to stop as much of the writing jokes that wasn’t making money as possible, and get onto bringing home the bacon, or as my wife puts it, bringing home the turkey bacon. I’m not allowed real bacon anymore. Cholesterol. I digress. Mind you, I’m still broke, but come on, I had to get this thing up at some point.

So, as you can see I will be kind of slowly rolling out what I am trying to get the new “blog” or “site” to look like in beta form- hopefully the thang will be up in all its glory in a week or two, once I try and figure out what the hell I am doing. In lieu of the blog, I hope you enjoyed the Twitter feed, please follow me there at @WhatSucksBlog. They’ll be some funny stuff there as I know how to work it from my phone and do NOT know how to work the blog from my phone.

The “new” or “re-born” What Sucks will be a place to post some videos, links, etc as well as chronicle the battle against the suck. Also, as you know, I’m kind of open to posting videos you may have made- just leave a comment or send me a note at WhatSucksBlog@gmail.com.

All right, so, let the slow roll-out begin!
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What Sucks...Raptor Hunter!

2011-08-24T12:52:00.001-04:00

Found this funny- may be a little long.

What Sucks coming back soon- I know, you've heard it before- this time I'm serious!
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What Sucks...Lady Gaga

2011-07-21T14:34:00.002-04:00

Gaga showed up at the airport in Australia yesterday wearing the above.

The balls. What, it doesn’t take long enough as it is to get through airport security? And you can’t blame the TSA people, the way this nut dresses, bombs could very well be an accessory to one of her outfits. Gags, sweats and jogging suits at the airport, just like the rest of us!
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Good Night, Asshole.

2011-05-02T10:10:00.001-04:00

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What Sucks...This, The Way It Is, Etc.

2011-03-30T12:28:00.001-04:00

The Daily Show
Tags: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

I almost never put up vids from TDS but I love this tie. I mean, watch this.
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What Sucks...Web Videos You Should Check Out: Sully Baseball Nickname Vlog!

2011-03-29T10:04:00.001-04:00

I don't know who this guy thinks he is, if he played he'd be called "The Toupeinator!"
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What Sucks...Web Videos You Should Check Out: Rob P's Life As A Comic

2011-03-22T09:47:00.000-04:00

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What Sucks...Web Videos You Should Check Out: Jeff & Randy Review Debbie Does Dallas Uncovered!

2011-03-15T16:18:00.002-04:00

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What Sucks...Web Videos You Should Check Out: Prego Boxer!

2011-03-14T09:25:00.002-04:00

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What Sucks...Funny Web Videos: Meat Juice!

2011-02-23T13:45:00.003-05:00

Ah yes my friends, it has been a long while since I have posted for you here and for that I am very sorry. It's just that I have been forced to take a job that has me up at the ungfodly hour of 8AM! (That's like never going to sleep o'clock for me) and I still haven't figured out how to be productive here while I'm doing that - not that I'm productive at the job either, just so you know. Anyway, until I get my shit together, which I will, enjoy this video made by a very talented editor, shooter, comic film maker and cool guy Vinny I work with right now. Not sure he'd want me to give his last name, as I am not sure he wants people to know I work with him. (He has standards). Anyway, it's called "Meat Juice" and I think after a few minutes, you'll know why.
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What Sucks...Web Videos You Should Check Out:

2011-02-07T15:58:00.003-05:00

Rachel Maddow Grills Local Politician from Wiseguy Pictures on Vimeo.

My Bro-Sama Bin Laden, Jon Gabrus in another cool vid, y'all. Don't worry- actual posts coming soon!
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What Sucks…The Tell Your Friends Movie Trailer!

2011-02-03T14:59:00.003-05:00

Tell Your Friends is one of NYC’s preeminent comedy shows and has been for the vast majority of its existence (I AM HOSTING THERE THIS COMING TUESDAY NIGHT 2/8/2011!). Recently, Liam McEneaney- the show’s producer shot as FRIGGIN’ CONCERT FILM of the show and now, the first trailer for it has been released- check it out and check out the show’s website for more information!
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What Sucks…Facebook Is Way Off On “People I may know”: A What Sucks Classic

2011-02-01T13:48:00.000-05:00

Who the hell does Facebook think I am? Why would they think I know convicted child killer Susan Smith? Do we have common friends? How is Ayman al-Zawahiri even on Facebook? And why would they think I know Nick Nolte?

Hey Facebook- you’re way off.
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What Sucks...Pizza Parties: A What Sucks Classic

2011-01-31T08:42:00.000-05:00

I’m not missing anything here, am I? You’re just sitting around with a few people and eating pizza, right? No one’s dancing, no one’s getting laid- nobody’s wife is making out with the hot new intern? Yeah, I’m not impressed.

I’ll remain unimpressed until someone can answer this question for me, when I went to a crowded pizzeria this afternoon for lunch, was I at a pizza party? Cause, what’s the difference. A radio? Seriously, a pizza party? Really? Cause I heard at the last one hot Kim from marketing took her top off. Yeah, it was great, Vonnegut was there- and Jack White showed up with Mick Jagger- holy shit I did so much coke.

Seriously were the people who were at the last pizza party you went to even your friends? Did you even like them or were were you just there for the pizza? I’ll let you in on a little secret- pizza is readily available- stop selling your soul for a lousy slice taken out of a crappy, damp cardboard box. I don't go to pizza parties anymore and yes, I hate myself less. I’m not a child anymore. I can afford my own pizza- I have better things to do and you should too.

LAME.

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What Sucks…The Hitler Mustache: A What Sucks Classic

2011-01-26T14:54:00.000-05:00

Clearly, there is no reason for anyone to ever have worn one of these things post 19…let’s say 39 but really, it should have been earlier, like 1932, or 1929 when AH was starting to speak in the back of German beer halls, but fine, hindsight is 20/20. Here’s the thing about Hitler Mustaches- not only do they suck, but they really, really suck.

So, as mentioned above, no reason whatsoever to wear one of these things and for the most part, everyone has basically followed that rule. We are down to just a few people who wear the Hitler mustache publicly, and, I’m happy to report…

...most of them are fictional.

Very rare are the times one comes upon a purveyor of the Hitler mustache- and when that occurs, the wearer is usually shunned and generally seen for what they are, someone with either appallingly bad taste in facial hair, or someone who’s such a racist, they are unable to convey their hate sufficiently with words, they must also use whiskers.

So, yes, in that it has become emblematic of history’s most evil man, the Hitler Mustache, sucks.

However, it also sucks on another level. Consider this- Skinheads and Aryans, many of whom gladly tattoo their bodies with swastikas and other Nazi symbols, will only in very rare cases wear a Hitler mustache. Why? Because they also look ridiculous.

Think about it, in jail, you can impress other Aryans by giving yourself an iron cross tattoo, a painful procedure that involves lighting the tip of a pen and jabbing it into your skin, but still, that is more acceptable than just growing a mustache. The most evil man in the world had a silly mustache- we don’t even know if he had tattoos, but when faced with the idea of wearing one, it is a no brainer for Aryans and White Supremacists to go with the tats.

The mustache is so silly looking, even people who spend their days hating, won’t grow one, they’d rather permanently F up their skin - say one day they stop hating- they still have the tattoo. If they grew the 'stache, all they’d have to do would be to shave. Still, they chose to not look goofy. What a statement about the Hitler Mustache.

Who knows, if Hitler wore a cheese-dick goatee, would thousands of male New Jersey bar patrons be being wearing equally, chances-of-getting-laid-debilitating Hitler Mustaches as they headed out the door on a Friday night? I guess we’ll never know. Thanks Hitler.

The "Hitler Goatee"- things would be different now.

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What Sucks...Body Sushi: Perv Watch V.19: A What Sucks Classic

2011-01-25T15:50:00.000-05:00

In Whatsucksblog.com’s continuing series on pervs who have a lot of money, (scroll down for the joke about the guy who paid 1.5 million for the Marilyn Monroe sex tape) today we look at the dude (usually some Wall Street A-hole) who pays $150 bucks (on the low end) to eat sushi off a woman’s naked body in a practice widely known as “Body Sushi”.

Now, not to generalize, but let’s face it, the Japanese are pervs. Don’t believe me, google “Japanese Game Shows” and “Naked Woman In A Pig Pen” and you get, well, more hits than you should. Also, they’re pretty much insane- click here. And here. And, well, just do the search yourself.

The reason I bring them up, Body Sushi came from them. Out there it’s called “Nyotaimori” but no matter what you call it, it begs on a few questions, like…

Question 1: How hard up for a woman’s naked body are you when you can’t wait till AFTER you eat sushi to go to a strip club and see a woman’s naked body? Sushi is expensive as it is, but shelling out a buck-fifty before you even get to order your Dragon Roll is insane. $150 dollar will go a long way in a strip club (ten, maybe fifteen minutes), and you’re just gonna throw it out there on someone you can eat a California roll off of? What a perv! Eroticism should never involve Spicy Tuna!

Question 2, and sorry if this sounds similar to question #1 but, who orders a maki-combo and says to themselves, “this would be better if I had wood.” Who?

Question 3, where do you put the Wasabi? That stuff, placed on the wrong part of the body can be deadly.

Sorry to be so harsh on the Japanese, but you don’t really see other cultures doing this with their food. I’m Italian, but I have never had, nor am I interested in “Body Chicken Parmesan”. I have many Irish friends, but never have any of them expressed any desire for “Body Corned Beef” and this isn’t even an Asian thing, as a google search for “Body Moo Shoo Chicken” reveals zero hits.

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What Sucks…Bad Guys From Movies Who Aren’t Really Bad: The Rodeo Drive Salespeople From “Pretty Woman”: A What Sucks Classic

2011-01-24T12:10:00.000-05:00

So, I’m running a very high-end store on Rodeo Drive, in Beverly Hills, and a hooker walks in, wearing cut off jeans and thigh high whore boots, tells me she needs to “browse”, and I’m an asshole for throwing her out.

No, by all means, stay hooker. Stay in my $50 grand a month boutique and by all means, you know, make yourself at home. As a matter of fact, blow someone. Cause I’M a total douchebag for wanting you to leave.

I should absolutely let someone who gets paid to have sex with strangers, with her tits hanging out no less, walk around in my store. There’s no way you have a criminal record. Oh and, absolutely there is no doubt in my mind that my other customers, many of whom are decent, hardworking people, will have any problem shopping with a whore. Yeah, I think I read in Forbes last week that when given a choice of shopping at a place where whores walk freely, and one that keeps whores out, they chose night walkers every time.

Oh and you’re right, the next day, by all means bring your John into the store and have him be indignant when an entirely new group of salespeople aren’t swarming all over him with helpful service. Pardon them if initially they seemed to be shy, it’s just that they didn’t know exactly what you wanted to buy, because, well, we don’t sell syringes.

What’s that you say, sir? There’s not enough “sucking up”? Well, you’re the nicest “trick” we’ve had here all day.

Oh, You’re going to be spending an “obscene amount of money”? Well, sir, you’re with a hooker but not all of us have a price. Please leave before I call the police.

Here's roughly how the scene goes the next day when Vivian goes back to the original store:

WHORE: I was here yesterday, do you remember me? You wouldn't wait on me. Do you work on commission?

SALESWOMAN: Yes.

WHORE HOLDS UP BAGS.

WHORE: Big mistake. Huge.

Here's how it should have gone.

WHORE: I was here yesterday, do you remember me?

SALESWOMAN: Oh yeah, the whore? Can you please leave. Are you about to ask me if I work on commission? The answer is yes, but you see if I had you in the store, no matter how much I would have made on your sale, I would have lost regular customers because they probably would have thought we're the type of store that let's people who "cut" other people shop here. You see, I have to clear a certain amount a month to keep this place going, so one relatively big pay day, is not worth sacrificing the reputation of this store. You'll see, Larry Miller's store will lose a little business in the short term, but he's a franchise, so maybe he can afford that. We're a small business. And even on Rodeo Drive, we can't. Here's a number where you can get some counseling. Good luck.
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What Sucks…The Urban Myth Surrounding Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight”: A What Sucks Classic

2011-01-21T15:14:00.001-05:00

Let me get this straight…

So Phil Collins is walking around one night and happens to see some guy drowning- and another guy watching him drown, and does nothing. Then, some time later- we don’t know how long- arranges to have the guy who watched the other guy drown, come to one of his concerts and sit in the front row, only to sing this song for him, hit him with a spotlight, and have the police take him away.

No way. I’m having trouble even picturing it. Here’s what it must have looked like.

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO HARBOR. NIGHT.

ERIC, A MAN IS STANDING ON THE DOCKS, IS SMOKING A CIGARETTE, LOOKING OUT INTO THE BAY. HE IS WATCHING A MAN IN THE WATER, STRUGGLING TO STAY AFLOAT.

MAN IN WATER:
…Seriously, dude. I’m getting very tired here. The water is cold…

ERIC DOES NOT RESPOND.

MAN IN WATER:
…Dude! You’re looking right at me! Come on now!

FROM THE DISTANCE WE SEE A MAN WALKING UP THE BLOCK. WE CUT TO HIM TO REVEAL IT IS A YOUNG PHIL COLLINS.

PHIL:
(TO HIMSELF)
What’s going on up there? That guy okay?

WE SEE FROM PHIL’S POINT OF VIEW THAT HE IS ABOUT 100 YARDS FROM THE DOCK. HE SEES ERIC AND THE MAN IN THE WATER.

PHIL COLLINS:
What is that man on the dock waiting for?

CUT BACK TO ERIC.

MAN IN WATER:
Okay, in the interest of being very clear here, I need help sir. My arms are getting very tired.

ERIC DOES NOTHING.

MAN IN WATER:
I don’t think you understand the severity of the situation…

CUT BACK TO PHIL

PHIL:
Damn it, what is happening?

MAN IN WATER:
Are you mistaking me for someone who may have done you wrong in the past? Please, sir, what is it? Why won’t you help me?

CUT BACK TO PHIL

PHIL:
That guy in the water definitely needs help. What is going on?

CUT BACK TO THE DOCK

MAN IN WATER:
Well, I certainly hope you can live with yourself.

THE MAN IN THE WATER BREATHES FOR THE LAST TIME AND GOES UNDER. HIS HAND SLOWLY SINKING INTO THE WATER AS ERIC WATCHES.

CUT BACK TO PHIL COMING UP THE BLOCK

PHIL:
Holy shit! What the fuck?!! (YELLING TO THE GUY) Hey! What the hell man? Why didn’t you do anything?

ERIC TURNS AND RECOGNIZES PHIL COLLINS.

ERIC:
Phil Collins? You are the best! I love like everything you do. Genesis is awesome- fuck Peter Gabriel and that weird make-up, you’re the man. I can’t wait to see Buster.

PHIL:
Really? (SCRATCHING CHIN) Hey, how’d you like a front row seat to my next show.

ERIC:
You’re kidding me? No way!

PHIL:
Here you go buddy.

PHIL HANDS ERIC TICKETS.

CUT TO: INT. THE FILMORE. NIGHT.

WE SEE THE SECOND ROW, ERIC IS THERE- HE IS DANCING TO PHIL COLLINS’ VERSION OF “YOU CAN’T HURRY LOVE”

ERIC:
Whoo! Yeah! Play Easy Lover! Yeah!

PHIL FINISHES “YOU CAN’T HURRY LOVE” WITH A FLOURISH. HE THEN ADDRESSES THE CROWD.

PHIL:
Here’s something I’ve been saving for a special occasion…

CUT TO ERIC IN THE 2ND ROW.

ERIC:
Billy Don’t Lose That Number! Yeah!

PHIL:
This one goes out to a very special friend I have out in the audience tonight!

ERIC:
A groovy kind of love! Yes!

THE LIGHTS DIM. PHIL WALKS TO THE FRONT OF THE STAGE. WE HEAR THE BEGINNING OF “IN THE AIR TONIGHT”.

ERIC:
What the hell is this?

CUT TO PHIL ON STAGE.

PHIL:
(SINGING)
I can see it…coming in the air tonight…hold on…

CUT TO ERIC.

MAN ON DOCK:
(TO HIMSELF)
Little bit of a downer. (TO THE WOMAN NEXT TO HIM) I hate it when they do new stuff.

ERIC GETS HIT WITH A SPOTLIGHT. HE IS BLINDED.

ERIC (CONT.):
Whoa! (SHIELDING HIS EYES) What the hell is going on?

PHIL:
Well, if you told me you were drowning …I would not lend a hand.  I've seen your face before my friend …But I don't know if you know who I am …

ERIC:
Oh shit. Phil, no- wait, we’re friends!

PHIL:
Well, I was there and I saw what you did …I saw it with my own two eyes… So you can wipe off the grin, I know where you've been …It's all been a pack of lies !

ERIC:
Phil! No! Wait, the tickets- they were just a…who are these cops?

20 POLICEMEN ENTER. THEY GRAB THE MAN ON DOCK BY THE ARMS. HE STRUGGLES. THE CROWD LOOKS DOWN ON HIM, DISAPPROVINGLY. THE WOMAN NEXT TO HIM, IN FULL 80’S GARB, SHOUTS.

WOMAN:
You should have helped that guy who was drowning.

ERIC:
Phil’s the guy who needs help- this is pretty passive aggressive.

CUT TO PHIL ON STAGE AS THEY TAKE ERIC AWAY.

PHIL:
… I've been waiting for this moment for all my life! Oh Lord!  I can feel it in the air tonight, Oh Lord!  And I've been waiting for this moment ALL MY LIFE! OH LORD!

ERIC:
All your life? This just happened! What are you talking about! Did I even commit a crime?

THE POLICE PULL THE MAN ON THE DOCK OUT OF THE ARENA. WE CUT TO HIM AT THE CAR.

ERIC:
Play One More Night!

COP:
Like you gave that guy who was drowning “one more night”?

THE COP THEN PUSHES ERIC INTO THE POLICE CAR AND THEY DRIVE AWAY.

SCENE.

I don’t know, maybe it did go down like that. In the movie Jeffery Tambor plays Phil and Tim Robbins is Eric, even though Eric is a much younger man than Tim is now.
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What Sucks…Vultures: A What Sucks Classic

2011-01-21T11:42:00.000-05:00

Behold, the bird’s entry into the “World’s Shittiest Animal Sweepstakes”- the vulture.

Vultures look like this, eat rotting flesh and defend themselves by projectile vomiting at their enemies. Throw in the fact that that they can fly, can grow to have wing spans of close to 6 feet, and grunt and hiss like giant snakes when they feel threatened, and you have an animal fashioned from the nightmares of Edgar Allen Poe, as directed by Tim Burton, in a very bad mood.

Toss in the popular notion that you only see these things when you’re alone, near death, somehow stuck walking alone through a dessert, and we’re pretty much talking about the opposite of a butterfly here.

Consider these vulture fun facts: (Spoiler alert- they are not fun).

- a vulture can eat a diseased corpse of an animal, and through its digestive system, the disease will be rendered neutral, that is to say, the vulture’s poop will be clean. Which is nice.

- the vomit of a vulture has more acidic content than acid rain, and if its incredible stench doesn’t scare away its predator, the vomit contacting the skin will actually burn it.

- vultures urinate on themselves as a method of cooling their skin and destroying bacteria that may have gotten on them while feeding on a dying, diseased animal. Sure, they could be more careful about eating, but then they wouldn't have the need to pee on themselves.

- a vulture will often begin eating an animal corpse at its anus or at its eyes. Why? Because in most cases, that is where the dead animal is most vulnerable. So, ah, take that, other animals who think they’re creepy- I’m talking to YOU- eels, tapeworms and ticks.

- vultures can smell a dead mouse under leaves at 200 feet in the sky. To put that in perspective, consider that if milk smells bad, you know immediately to not put it in your coffee- the vulture would be all like “ah, no, it’s the other way around.”

So, nice job on the vulture, God, seriously give yourself a pat on the back.
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What Sucks...The Sleestaks: A What Sucks Classic

2011-01-20T15:00:00.000-05:00

Sleestaks suck on two levels. First, they were malevolent to Marshall, Will and Holly, forcing them to constantly live in fear, for basically no reason.

What did Marshall, Will and Holly do to the Sleestaks? Nothing. They just appeared, accidentally, in the Land of the Lost. They didn’t want to be there, clearly they were the victims of an earthquake and, as the name of the new world they had just entered indicates, lost. Yet the Sleestaks decided they were a threat and treated them as such. Why? Because they looked different? I’ll say it- they were fucking racists.

If the Sleestaks they didn’t have their collective heads so far up their asses, they’d help M, W & H get back home. What was the threat they posed? Did the Sleestaks think they were looking to take over their territory? With freaking T Rexes and monkey boys like Cha-ka eying Holly every chance they got? I don’t think so.

Incidentally, after studying the theme songs of the Land of the Lost Will and Holly’s family name seems to be Marshall, which means their dad (who ended up leaving TLoTL without his kids) was named “Marshall Marshall”. Which is unfortunate.

Back to the Staks. The Sleestaks ALSO suck because as beings, evil or otherwise, they were incredibly weak. They couldn’t take light. So in the daytime, you were totally safe from a Sleestak. Also, they were slow as shit. If you were spotted by a Sleestak, you could basically sit back, relax and enjoy the film The Good Sheppard (it was long) before you had to worry about running away. In the rare instance they could get close to you, you could easily escape their clutches by “walking quickly” in the opposite direction.

They moved so slow because clearly they had asthma. How else can you explain the unbelievably loud breathing noise they made as they approached anything. They couldn’t sneak up on you, and most certainly couldn’t catch you in a foot race.

So in their bitterness for not ever being able to be out in the sunshine, and having really bad asthma, the Sleestaks tore a family apart. What a bunch of racist dicks.Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

What Sucks…Guinea Worms Disease; A What Sucks Classic

2011-01-20T10:38:00.001-05:00

Sometimes when something sucks, one just has to list certain facts about it to make the case about how much it blows. Like Chad Kroeger is the main song writer for Nickelback, or, the highest point of elevation on Staten Island is a garbage dump, or that George Lopez is Mexican (kidding! Seriously, that was a joke!)

The same can be said for Guinea Worm Disease, or as it is also known by fancy scientists, dracunculiasis, or by simple folks who are terrorized by it, the “fiery serpent” disease. Here are some of those facts…

Fact 1: The victim is infected when he/ she drinks contaminated water that contains a tiny water flea that itself is infected by an even tinier guinea worm. The worms mate in your intestinal walls and the females (the males die) continue to eat and grow inside you.

This is only fact 1. There are 3 other facts.

Fact 2: - The most common practice to treat this disease involves wrapping the worm around a stick as it boroughs its way out of your body through an open sore in your leg.

Fact 3: This “stick wrapping” process can take many days and up to a few weeks as worms can be as long as 3 feet oh and by the way, and if while wrapping the worm around the stick it should break, it could cause a fatal infection.

Fact 4: As the worm makes its way through the open sore on your skin, it causes a terrible burning sensation leading many to want to submerge their leg in some water. However, if a victim does this, the water serves as a signal to the worm to release its eggs, and thus contaminate what could be the entire water supply of a village by releasing millions of Guinea Worm larvae, which are then eaten by water fleas and, you know, then everyone gets the disease, circle of life, blah, blah, blah. PS- the water doesn’t solve anything- you still have to wrap the worm around a stick to get it out of your leg.

There are more facts but those are the highlights.

The person with dracunculiasis WISHES they had a tapeworm. They’d say- “Oh, if only this thing affecting me was a tape worm, this would be MUCH better.” They long for Elephantiasis. Gout would be like the greatest vacation they ever had.

Of course Guinea Worm disease mainly happens in Africa, a place vastly under-appreciated for sucking. Let’s face it, people there could die from this disease, get eaten by a lion or shot by a child soldier, and all live on the same block. Yeah, it’s beautiful, great landscapes- I know- but don’t kid yourself, they’d trade it all for a basement apartment in Buffalo in a second.
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What Sucks...Web Videos You Should Check Out

2011-01-19T13:12:00.003-05:00

Friend of WhatSucksBlog and creator of Sully Baseball, Paul Sullivan hit the streets on San Francisco the other day to plead for Major League Baseball to pay attention to some team other than the Yankees and the Red Sox- the resulting video got picked up by NBC Sports and about a zillion other people picked it up- here's your chance to see it now, a day late!
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What Sucks...Journey’s “Separate Ways” Video: A What Sucks Classic!

2011-01-18T15:03:00.000-05:00

A few questions, (25) come to mind while watching this thing.

Why the section where the band “air plays” their instruments?
Who in the band knew someone who owned a warehouse down by the wharf?
Why was the only girl they could find in the video a borderline Vicki Lawrence look-a-like?
Why put her in a white pleather jacket?
Why the sleeveless tee-shirt?
Why the extreme Steve Perry close-ups on “I wish you love” at the 2:19 mark?
How long was the dolly track the cameraman used on some of these shots? 30 yards? 40?
Why is there a section in the video where everyone is playing their real instruments, clearly not plugged in, except the drummer who plays a series of metal drums?
Why the keyboard on the wall?
Why do other band members pretend to sing the lead, when it is clearly Steve Perry’s voice?
What is with the “claw-like” hand motion dance the guy in the tweed jacket does right around the 55 second mark?
Why the creative decision to have all 5 band members back to back, standing on a pile of wood? They are all touching. This is around the 1:18 mark.
What’s with the “white guy fro” on the guy in the denim jacket?
Why is this girl just aimlessly walking around a wharf?
Who is the girl at the end of the video, in the bed, clearly it is not the girl in the white jacket, aimlessly walking around the wharf?
Why is this wharf empty except for the rock band Journey, and an early 80’s chick?
Was Steve Perry’s shirt sleeveless to distract from the fact that it has a purple checkerboard pattern on it?
Is it the bassist, or the keyboardist who looks the most like he’s in “Reno 911”?
Doesn’t Randy Jackson always say he was in this band? Where the fuck is he?
What’s up with the van driving by at the 1:37 mark?
Does the drummer have a shirt on that really says “foosball”?
Do you think he was really in the band or just a guy they found on the wharf?
Why is the girl in the white pleather jacket entering a warehouse, anyway (at 1:54)?
Who’s idea was it to chase Steve Perry through the wood platforms?
How is the girl at the end able to sleep if she is listening to the song that we are listening to, and if she’s not listening to that song, why is she wearing head phones to bed?

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What Sucks...Circus Peanuts: A What Sucks Classic!

2011-01-18T12:49:00.000-05:00

Candy is supposed to be good. It’s supposed to make you smile. It gives kids fits because they love it so much that they try and eat as much as they can of it, then go crazy as sugar takes over their bodies and makes them insane savages for the next hour until it burns them out and leaves them in a collapsed, comatose state.

That’s what candy is supposed to do.

But WTF is a circus peanut? If it’s a candy- and it often is classified as such- who eats them? Who likes them? Are they ever not stale? Why are they seemingly only available in 24-hour gas station shop-marts and drug stores? Who are they being marketed to?

Something is up. We have a bad candy- that kids don’t like- that is never fresh- that is only sold in truck stops and drug stores- that are called Circus Peanuts. On top of all that- they don’t taste like peanuts. From everything I read (I’m not tasting these things for this study) they are banana flavored.

Why is there a market for stale, banana-flavored peanuts sold only at gas stations and drug stores?

And what’s the connection to circuses? I’ve been to circuses, I’ve had cotton candy- I’ve bought a light that I twirl around in a circle- but I’ve never eaten circus peanuts there. Shouldn’t they be sold at circuses?

If they’re in stores, someone must be buying them, right? But who? Have you ever been in a 24 gas station and the guy in front of you is getting circus peanuts for the road? Where is he going? Why won’t the Slim Jim just do? Have you ever been to a Rite Aid and watched someone pick up a pack after getting their prescription filled?

Some things that suck I don’t pretend to understand. Circus peanuts are one of those things. They must be stopped. They must be destroyed and removed off the face of the earth.
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What Sucks...Being A Fluffer: A What Sucks Classic

2011-01-17T13:26:00.000-05:00

In part two of our continuing series on jobs that suck, today, we bring you “the fluffer”. Sorry about the image above, but google image search “Fluffer” at work and you get weird looks.

Over the course of my life I have had a number of crappy jobs. I’ve worked as a dishwasher at a Sizzler, and a camp counselor at a rich kids day camp in Scarsdale, NY. I temped for years, was a page, and a receptionist for 18 months at a place where being a receptionist was the worst job you could imagine, and where if I went public with what they paid me, Amnesty International would get involved. I even wrote for Craig Ferguson for a few months, but all those job experiences (except maybe Ferguson) pale in comparison to that of a “fluffer”*.

I’m being delicate here but…

“Preparing”, and by using that word, yes, I’m romanticizing it, dicks for sex scenes in porn, has to be a job one takes when the “Objective” line on their resumes says “to use the skills I have developed in hating myself to start a career.” I think it says something about a job when the only “worst job” you can think of, is a different version of that job. I.E…

…Being a “fluffer’ in animal porn.
…Being a “fluffer” on the set of “Rest Home: Fat & Mature Volume XVI”. (That’s 16!)
…Being a “fluffer” in live sex-show performance, “just outside of Tijuana”.

Some questions come to mind:
How do you reconcile a job like that? And nowadays with Viagra, is it even necessary? Shouldn’t there be a line drawn in the sand where “being old school” is not in the best interest of everyone? Is there a union? Is there a Local 4183 “Fluffers”? Does the AFLCIO recognize it? If there WAS a fluffer’s union, wouldn’t the 1st motion be to try abolish their own jobs?

INT. FLUFFER’S LOCAL 4183. UNION SHOP REP IS ADDRESSING THE CROWD.

UNION SHOP REP (his name is, I don’t know, Julius):
Brothers, the news remains grim. The major studios continue to refuse to honor our request to outsource our jobs…

THERE IS A LARGE MURMUR THAT GRUMBLES THROUGH THE ASSEMBLY

UNION SHOP REP (JULIUS):
…sitting across the bargaining table, I have pleaded with them- on how they can get workers in India and Pakistan to “prepare” dicks for a FRACTION of what it costs here!

A MURMUR SWEEPS THROUGH THE HALL AGAIN

JULIUS:
…problem, as we all know, is that it’s difficult to get a client to “maintain” in between takes on a set, so there’s no way its gonna work during a trans-Atlantic flight!

THE CROWD REACTS, AGREES.

JULIUS:
Unlike autoworkers, we are together in our wish for a machine that could replace us. Scientists in Sweden and Japan are working tirelessly on this as we speak- but until they deliver, I pledge that we will not give up this fight to wipe this horrible gig from the face of the earth! I ask again you consider a work stoppage, but I know how much you need the money for your meth, so it’s pointless.

FIN.

How does the fluffer deal? What does he tell him/ herself? “Well, at least this isn’t a “furry’”!

Maybe you have a “glass half-full” type of outlook. “Well, if I work hard and learn my craft, maybe some day I’ll be on CAMERA sucking off some stranger!”

Maybe you’re a fatalist…“Hey, perhaps this film will turn out to be snuff.”

*Disclaimer: “Not that I would know personally. The following is based on what I’ve read. Sartre. The early stuff. I’ll talk about that in another posting. “What-Sucks Jean-Paul Sartre’s ‘Fluffer Stage’” look for it.

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What Sucks…Blog Note

2011-01-15T16:53:00.005-05:00

Dear esteemed reader(s)!

After not posting last week, WhatSucksBlog will pretty much be in repeats this week, so that next week, I might bring you the much anticipated What Sucks…2010! You know that thing that usually takes my lazy-ass well into the next year to write about the previous year as to who and what sucked?

Anyway, it’s usually about 7000 words and so far I’ve written about 14 of ‘em, so time to get to work on it. Bonus was, this year where I usually take December off, I didn’t because I took so much time off most of the year. What Sucks? Me and my ability to post everyday! I will probably throw something up here sometime this week because, Jesus, the suck certainly doesn’t take a break.

So for today, and to recap last week suck-wise, let’s just say, ah…

What Sucks…Sarah Palin

…they weren’t “surveyor's symbols”. That argument is incredibly weak and Sarah Palin’s 2nd act of “handling” the horrific Tucson shooting where she released a Facebook video dropping the phrase Blood Libel, only adds bona fides to her assholishness. Seriously, could you handle this thing worse? Why not go all the way, take down the “takebackthe20” and put it back as “takebackthe19”?!

Also, let me just say that like most of America, I believe the guy who shot all those people in Tucson was and is mentally deranged. Look at his haircut. I mean through the years. He was not told by Glenn Beck or Sarah Palin to do what he did. He acted alone following the orders of the demented voices in his head.

Separately from that however, Sarah Palin did put Gabrielle Giffords’ district in “crosshairs”. Gabrielle Giffords was made to feel uncomfortable by it to the point where she spoke out about the imagery and language and now, 8 months later, she was shot in the head. So, yeah while we all seriously know Palin did not call for the shooting of this congresswoman or any others, ah, nice work on this whole thing nonetheless.

All right, so see you here and there this week, I’m still trying to get a full time gig somewhere so I while I want to throw down some killer posts in the way of the soon to be lost art of blogging (seems I’m gonna have to get a podcast pretty soon to try and remain relevant) I do have to balance that with the quest to feed my little boy something other than discount bologna.

I’ll also be experimenting with changing up the format you’ve all grown so fond of over the years because lets face it, blogger is looking more and more TRS-80 everyday. Also, in 2011- What Sucks Video! That I can promise because I’ve already cut and edited two of ‘em so, we’ll see who the big shot is!

In the meantime- please use the comment section to tell me if Tumblr is worth my time and I should get the F off this blogger thing for once and all.

All right, kicking off the repeats, what don’t we throw up (and literally throw-up) the granddaddy of What Sucks posts…What Sucks…Being a Fluffer!
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What Sucks…Quick Hits: Lohan Drinking At Rehab, Jersey Shore, The Jets, Our Government

2011-01-07T13:02:00.013-05:00

…Lindsay Lohan Drinking AT Rehab!

I don’t want to say this chick is a drunk, but her favorite poem is "beer before liquor never sicker"!

…French Toast

Is cake! Who are we kidding- you’re having cake for breakfast!

…The Jets

Way to keep New York City headline writers away from their families during the holidays! Both the Post and NYDN are rising to the challenge, but can they keep up? What if the Jets win the Super Bowl and get to go see the President? Will we see Rex Ryan shaking Obama’s hand with the headline “Pleased To FEET Ya!”?

…Our Government

Nice. Old woman with frozen face and dead eyes, gives novelty gavel to guy with glassy eyes and orange skin. I feel better already.
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What Sucks…Jersey Shore

2011-01-06T13:50:00.000-05:00

There is a show long in re-runs on Nick Jr. called “Jack’s Big Music Show”. It’s very funny and positive and features very talented musicians including a guy who many of you may have heard of, but many more may not have named Andrew Bird. Andrew Bird is a super talented musician who can play a shit-ton of instruments.

Anyway, for some reason Jack’s Big Music Show is not on the air anymore. They only did I think 2 seasons. My guess is it probably has something to do with money- either Nick didn’t want to pay the people who make the show, or it was too expensive, etc. The bottom line is, this sensitive, funny, show that encourages kids to love music and teaches them positive themes in a very positive and fun manner, has no shot of being on the air, and the assholes you see above- are on their way to being millionaires.

Nice job, mankind.
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What Sucks…Chris Christie

2011-01-05T16:50:00.004-05:00

New Jersey's Governor is attacking state workers pensions (which have been raided by who in the past? Oh yeah, the government!) with such gusto and trying so hard to make them seem like the bad guys that people are calling him NJ’s Ronald Reagan, now I don’t know how fair that is because I do NOT think Christie has traded arms for hostages yet so, Reagan? Not so sure, sorry.

I will say I see some Taft in him!

Separated at GIRTH! Whoo-hoo!

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What Sucks…Shows About Pawn

2011-01-05T13:23:00.004-05:00

Hardcore Pawn? Pawn Stars? You’re trying too hard! What’s next, a show about a place that sells a kid’s old toys entitled “Child Pawn”?! Keep it up America, you’re watching shows about pawn at such a rate, a market for TWO has developed!

Own a pawn shop and are looking to get on TV? Move fast- I think we all know the second it becomes legal to sell guns on eBay, you’re out of business!
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What Sucks…The Reaper

2011-01-04T10:18:00.001-05:00

Gerry Rafferty died yesterday. Somewhere someone will say something like this- “Well, they don’t write songs like ‘Baker Street’ anymore....” and whoever says that will be dead f-ing on. 60 second sax solos seldom start songs off these days. Gerry Rafferty also wrote “Stuck In The Middle With You” when he was in Stealer’s Wheel, and "Right Down The Line" which was also really, really, 70's. Good night huge 70’s guy.

Gerry Rafferty, RIP.

Reaper Double Shot: Pete Postlethwaite

Let’s hope the late, great Pete Postlethwaite pulled a “Kobayahsi” on the reaper and made good on the threat to off his lawyer/ girlfriend if he was killed. Good night to you, star of “In the Name of The Father” and possessor of an Adam’s Apple rivaled only by that of Ann Coulter, Pete Postlethwaite RIP.
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What Sucks…Quick Hits: NYC Airports, Spiderman The Musical, Brett Favre, Sn00ki

2011-01-03T09:15:00.002-05:00

…NYC Airports

Not only has this blizzard kept people in NYC airports for so long they’ve actually formed relationships with the TSA Agents who molested them, but those relationships are now beginning to lose their spark!

…Spiderman The Musical

I don’t want to say this thing is dangerous but the other night I watched that Spike show “1000 Ways To Die”, 234 of them had to do with this show.

…Brett Farve

After a rough year I understand he’s once again flirting with retirement- how do I know? Because he recently sent "retirement" a picture of his junk!

…Sn00ki

Being lowered in a ball on New Years Eve? What a difference a ~~year~~24 hour period makes, this time a ~~year~~last night when ago balls were being lowered on her!
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What Sucks…The Jets: Perv Watch Vol. 33

2010-12-31T11:28:00.008-05:00

Okay, so earlier in the year the a few members of the Jets cat-called a super hot Mexican reporter and made her feel so uncomfortable she filed a report about it. At the time, with one of their own feeling threatened, the media responded in force and by that I mean basically called her a slut for wearing what she wore in front of football players which basically amounted to really tight jeans. Whatever, it passed I suppose.

Then, revelations popped up that a future Hall of Fame quarterback, guy who has played 20 years in the league, 15 of them glory-filled with Green Bay, the last few with the Vikings pretty much without sexual incident, plays ONE year with the Jets and finds himself texting pictures of his junk (while wearing crocs) to some female sideline reporter- again, who’s hot- to the tune of a 50K fine from the NFL.

Coincidence? Maybe.

Then.

Then.

THEN.

The team’s Head Coach, the head coach of the New York Jets, or HC of the NYJ if you’re Bill Belichick, Rex Ryan apparently is a foot-fetish video with his wife.

Warning:NSFA (Not Safe For Anything)

Lookit, where there's smoke, there's fire. Where there are foot-fetish vids, there are pervs. The Jets: huge pervs.

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What Sucks…Little Fockers

2010-12-30T23:06:00.001-05:00

Put it this way, if you take away the jokes that reference the name Gaylord Focker, or the word “Focker” in general and lose the DeNiro pointing to his eyes and then pointing to Ben Stiller as is to say “I’m watching you”, the entire TRILOGY is 19 minutes long. And I say this as someone who did not and will not see the third movie. Ooh, they brought back the Owen Wilson character from the first one? Great. How bout the stewardess who (reasonably) wants Ben Stiller to check his bag? By the way, didn’t Robert DeNiro and Dustin Hoffman battle it out for best actor one year when one did Deer Hunter and the other was in Kramer Vs. Kramer?
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What Sucks…Hef Getting Engaged!

2010-12-29T14:43:00.000-05:00

He’s 84, she’s 24- this ain’t no May/ September romance- cause, say it with me America- he may not make it that far! For those of you who are interested in giving them a gift, the couple is registered at Williams-Sonoma and, say it with me again America, the Los Angeles County Morgue! This shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone cause on Crystal Harris’ centerfold in 2009 listed as turns ons are- “old man smell”, “sipping Ensure by the fire place” and “long walks on the beach” (they always like long walks on the beach, don’t they?)

I know what you’re saying – why am I so anxious to “poo-poo” their love? Why can’t I be happy for a couple who have decided they want to spend the rest of their lives together? (Well, one has said he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, the other will have about 6-8 weeks eaten up.) What could they possibly have in common? They barely have breathing in common! Does Hef even know her from the magazine and if so, when did they start making Playboy in large print?

Come on, join in on the fun in the comment section and as always, please don’t be racist, although with a really old rich dude marrying a very young bimbo there should be no reason to!*

*denotes Internet commenters always find a reason.
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What Sucks…Quick Hits: The Blizzard, Plastic Knives, Egg Nog, Mick Hucknall

2010-12-28T17:31:00.001-05:00

…The Blizzard

Hey snow, besides paralyzing the largest city in the world for what is going on 3 days now, you somehow managed to cover a subway platforms which are inside and underground. We get it, you can crush us at a moment’s notice.

…Plastic Knives

Thanks for being the opposite of a Ginsu, I had trouble getting through a banana the other day.

…EggNog

Nice beverage! Gotta love a drink where there's a neck and neck race between getting hammered and becoming pre-diabetic!

…Mick Hucknall

Says he slept with 1000 women (that’s 3 a day!) from 1985 and 1987! Simply Red? More like his junk is (say it with me, America) simply red as a dog’s penis!Look at this guy- are you kidding me? This is one of those metric system things, where the real number turns is 3, right? I heard the number would be even higher if he was allowed to include guys!
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What Sucks…Nestor The Long-Eared Christmas Donkey

2010-12-27T16:57:00.000-05:00

BLOG NOTE: So what if I’ve been watching a lot of “ABC Family’s 25 Days of Christmas” specials, I’m a new dad to a 13 month-old and still trying to figure out how to use the TV as a babysitter- get off my back! Anyway…

Rankin-Bass are the people who made some of the greatest and most classic Christmas holiday specials the world has ever seen. Among them are the aforementioned “The Year Without A Santa Claus”, “Santa Claus is Coming To Town” (featuring next year’s probable A-hole of Christmas “The Burgermeister”) and of course the granddaddy of them all, “Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer”. To give you an idea of how good “Rudolph” is by the way, “Isle of Misfit Toys” is their “C” storyline. C!!! You have the Rudy story (Reindeer as Christ figure), the Elf who wanted to be a DDS and then, oh yeah, there’s this phenomenal “Isle of Misfit Toys” that we’ll just throw in there with a George-In-The-Box or whatever his name is. A place forgotten by Santa where defective toys have to go. It’s the “Revolver” of Christmas specials where George basically had to fight to get Taxman in, where in any other group where the level of artistry wasn’t as high, they would have called the album “Taxman”.

Anyway, after creating Rudolph in 1964, then moving on to other spectacular triumphs such as “The Little Drummer Boy”, “Santa Claus…Town”, “Year Without..” and “The First Christmas”, someone in the company apparently developed a coke problem and lost all their money as they then did “Nestor The Long-Eared Donkey”.

Hmm, a story about an animal, who has a physical deformity which is ridiculed, leading him to be ostracized before he comes back to use that very deformity to save the day? Sound familiar? Something stinks here and I think it’s this blatant rip off of Rudolph. How high were you guys? “It’s like, ‘what if Dumbo was a mule, and somehow saved Jesus- hey give me some more of that sweet cocaine!’”

On top of all that, the story features (SPOILER ALERT) the incredibly sad death of Nestor’s mom, who follows Nestor out into the storm, covers his body with hers to warm him, and then freezes to death, so he basically wakes up with her corpse on top him. Also, there are weird cameos from Jingle and Jangle and Mrs. Claus of “The Year Without…” fame- what’s the matter, couldn’t shoe-horn Yukon Cornelius in?

Finally, the whole thing as again, mentioned time and time again on the net, is total bullshit. I checked the Bible, and believe me, there is some wild crap in there- virgin birth, angels trumpeting Jesus arrival, giving birth in a manger- even those dudes don’t try and bring in a Donkey with long ears protecting a baby!

Let this be a lessen to all- don’t judge on appearances, and don’t ruin the good work of a production company by developing a huge coke problem!
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What Sucks Presents…Christmas A-holes: The Heat Miser

2010-12-24T15:48:00.006-05:00

I hope this Christmas finds you healthy and happy, trying desperately to forget what a debacle 2010 was by pounding eggnog at an alarming rate at your office Christmas party. I say, go for it- let loose and have a good time! It’s Christmas- time for holiday cheer! Go on and try and trick the office intern into having a few, and then going to get an “ass-xerox” with you, bonus points if she’s a girl! Face it, there have been MUCH worse Christmases in the past- like the one year they almost didn’t HAVE a Christmas, because of this a-hole…

The Great A-holes of Christmas: Volume 3: The Heat Miser

I’ll set the stage for you. Santa has a cold and is in a super-bitchy mood. People around the globe, according to him, seem to no longer give a shit about Christmas and he is seriously considering telling them all to go fuck themselves by taking a year off.

Obviously, this causes a shit-storm and two elves, one named Jingle, one named Jangle, decide to take it upon themselves to save the day. What do these two well-meaning but clearly on-the-spectrum elves do? They hijack a reindeer and decide to go out and find people who care about the holiday to placate their boss’ fragile ego.

Problems occur almost immediately as the first place they head to is the south. Upon arrival they are given bullshit summonses by some backwards-ass southern cop for a number of made up laws, and worse, because the south just cannot handle anyone who is in any way different, their reindeer is arrested. Subsequent to this, they get a face to face meeting with the town’s corrupt, hick mayor, who tells them as if it’s a deleted scene from “In The Heat of The Night”, that they are shit out of luck unless they can get it to snow. SNOW! As if Santa Claus, who has been around for centuries before these elves ever walked into “Southtown”, you racist mayor, has EVER been able to, or claimed to be able to control the weather.

So, clearly the shit is way beyond elf shoe level here. Before too long Mrs. Claus gets involved, Santa gets his ass out of bed and into civvies and everyone’s day is fucking ruined. Finally, the two elves in an effort to save Christmas for EVERYONE and get it to snow in “Southtown” go to visit the a-hole you see above. You see, he, The Heat Miser, who is a loud-mouth/ man-child with a hair-trigger temper controls the weather in the south, his bro, controls the weather in the north. Without having you watch the whole fucking special, suffice to say the Snow Miser is ready to play ball. But the A-hole Heat Miser, who is surrounded in his volcano-home by minions who look just like him, can’t jump on board and save Christmas with getting something out of it himself. HE IS A BIG FUCKING BABY! Some bullshit about his Santa lending credibility to his brother Snow Miser, some bullshit, made-up grudge he’s had for years and now he’s gonna cash in.

He demands to control the North Pole. This demand throws a wrench into the whole fucking deal and once again, jeopardizes Christmas. Excuse, kids are crying and the world is in an uproar. This douche wants full control of the North Pole, to make it hot- cataclysmal results of melting the polar caps be damned.

And as if these retarded elves have not been through enough already, (Santa knows immediately he’s gonna have to fix things the second he hears they are involved, I swear in the original script he must have said... “Those assholes? Momma (what he called his wife) you probably sent them out on purpose you passive aggressive C-word!”) they then have to have a face to face with Mother Nature who nips all of this nonsense in the bud, allows the snow in ~~Racist~~Southtown, and Christmas is saved.

Just for the record it should also be noted that once his “mommy” finds out what’s going on, Heat Miser folds like a house of cards and cries like a bitch. Maintaining no one likes him he huffs and puffs like a little girl before doing what his mommy tells him to do. Hey asshole, as a spokesman for humankind I can tell you I LOVE the hot weather- people go to VACATION in the hot weather, no one likes you because you are an a-hole.

By the way, as pointed out numerously around the internet, the real a-hole of this whole special is actually Santa Claus, who is too passive aggressive to come out and say he wants a year off and has to pull this bullshit where he claims that the world doesn’t believe in him anymore, even when news of him taking a year off, makes headlines around the world. Hey ass, major newspapers are factually reporting on you taking a year off, clearly they believe you exist!

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What Sucks Presents…Christmas A-holes: The Inn-Keeper In The Nativity Story (A What Sucks Classic)

2010-12-23T20:07:00.000-05:00

Yes, I know you are busy forcing your tongue down someone’s throat who happens to be standing under mistletoe, and yes, Christmas is the time to celebrate good will for all men and to wish for “peace on earth” and all that shit, but you also have to admit, as a time of year it can really bring the dicks out of the woodwork.

The Great A-holes of Christmas: Volume 2: The Inn-Keeper In The Nativity Story!

So everyone basically knows the story of the first Christmas as it pertains to the birth of the big Jeezy (Jesus). Mary, Jesus’ mom and Joseph, the guy who was with Mary when she was “knocked up by the Holy Spirit”, had to leave their hometown because there was a census and thusly had to make a journey to a town named David.

The journey was taken on donkey-back, under the famously bright star of Bethlehem. We all remember the angels trumpeting the arrival of Jesus to the shepherds, and the 3 Wise Men making the trek to see the Baby Jesus with their gifts, but lost in the shuffle for far too long were the actions of some of the most underrated A-holes in all of Christmas lore- the inn-keepers of Bethlehem.

Let me paint the picture for you, a PREGNANT WOMAN, ready to pop, sitting on a donkey is outside your hotel, having traveled many miles to get there, and each one of you a-hole inn-keepers are not only telling her you have no room at your inns, but one of you tells her to go to your barn. A barn!

Dude, that’s Baby Jesus, you’re sure you don’t have any room? And even if you’re not buying into the whole “a Savior is born tonight” thing, this woman is clearly 39-40 weeks pregnant and the best you can do is a manger?

I know they didn’t have a reservation and yeah, it was the holidays and all, but you’re telling me you were okay with sending this chick to lie in some hay, next to a donkey?

Poor Joseph by the way, the guy just walked across Israel, with a mysteriously prego-wife, and now he’s got to tell her that they’ll be staying with a goat.

JOSEPH: Yeah, can I get a room?
INN-KEEPER: No room at the inn.
JOSEPH: But, this is the Son of God.
INN-KEEPER: Oh, the Son of God? Why didn’t you say so? (INN-KEEPER HITS BELLHOP BELL) Hey, Johnny, please, show these people to the “Son of God Suite”.
JOHNNY THE BELLHOP GUY: Son of God suite?
INN-KEEPER: Yeah, you also know it as the manger. (TO JOSEPH) It’s where we keep all the saviors. HIT THE BRICKS!

Did the inn-keeper have to be such a dick? How awkward was it when the 3 Wise Men came by?

WISE MEN 1: Yeah, had a hard time tracking you guys down, didn’t really think to check out the mangers. I mean, they said humble beginnings but I was thinking more “Red Roof Inn” than petting zoo.

WISE MEN 2: Yeah, I brought you some myrrh, but it looks like what you guys really need s an upgrade! Ho!

Merry Christmas everyone and Happy B-day Jesus! As is the case I’ll be posting very infrequently until the New Year because I’m getting my drink on, and also getting ready for the annual Year In Suck posting. Thanks for reading and don’t sit on your (Christmas) balls!
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What Sucks Presents…Christmas A-holes: The Grinch (A What Sucks Classic)

2010-12-22T19:50:00.001-05:00

Sure Christmas is the time to celebrate good will for all men and to wish for “peace on earth” and all that shit, but you also have to admit, as a time of year it can really bring the dicks out of the woodwork.

The Great A-holes of Christmas: Volume 1: The Grinch!

History has been kind of, well, kind to the Grinch. Ask yourself, what do you remember most about him? That his heart grew 3 times that day? That he carved the “roast beast”? That once upon a time he learned a valuable lesson about Christmas?

How about that he concocted and executed with disturbing aplomb a plan- which can only be described as insidious- to rob an entire community of a beloved holiday?

Kind of gets lost in the shuffle, doesn’t it? Why, because he decided in the end to “bring stuff back”? Just for the record, let’s review what this animal did-

- A conservative estimate of about 12-15 instances of “breaking and entering”. Which in Whoville or not, is a felony.
- I’ll low-ball estimate the monetary value of the stuff he took- let’s put it in the range of 50 thousand dollars- grand larceny by any measure, a felony.
- I’ll throw in “endangering the welfare of a child”, a felony.
- Numerous instances of cruelty to animals, a felony.

Right there we are looking at a criminal the likes of which we seldom see. And why? Because his shoes were too tight? Because his heart was too small? Because he couldn’t take noise?

I’m sorry, this guy is a dick. I remind you he stole ice cubes out of someone’s freezer, the pedals off a poinsettia AND a crumb from a mouse. He stole ice cubes from someone’s ice tray! Look at the film!

Not only that, multiple times he endangered his dog by either forcing him to act as an accomplice to precariously parking his sleigh on the peak of a mountain, with Max still tied to it.

The dude should be in the Whoville county jail.

The Grinch- a serious Christmas A-hole.

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What Sucks…The Reaper

2010-12-21T15:09:00.005-05:00

And then there were four.

The reaper who like Vader hunting down the remaining Jedis, is taking his sweet-ass time to getting to the cast members of Barney Miller, has another trophy for his sick mantle. The deadpan and droll Steve Landesberg, a gifted comic who most recently was in “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” but who will always be remembered for being Lt. Dietrich on Barney Miller a show whom most cops will tell you was the most realistic cop show ever made (sorry Cop Rock).

So what started with Soo, has now brought us to Dietrich. Glass, Gail and Linden- you carry the fire. Vigoda, may you live forever.

Steve Landesberg, RIP.
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What Sucks…Quick Hits: The Giants, The NY Post, Commercials With Bows on Cars, Charlotte Martin

2010-12-20T16:27:00.008-05:00

…The Giants

Worst loss I may have ever witnessed, worst of all is that it comes against the Iggles. 21 points in 7 minutes? Here’s my question for Big Blue- can you sign Sal Alosi to help out with special teams?

…The New York Post

Look, I’m upset at the loss too but, come on- is putting dog heads on the players chasing Michael Vick totally necessary?!

…Commercials With Bows on Cars

Unemployment is at 10 percent- who the hell is getting a car for Christmas this year? Hey Auto-Industry, it’s a recession- I can’t even afford the bow!

…Charlotte Martin's Version of "Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town”

Welcome to our newest feature, calling out people who do shitty versions of great songs on Youtube- you may remember this blog was on the forefront of asking people to not do Bruce songs with mandolins, well, now join me in asking Charlotte Martin- who’s hot by the way, to cut the shit with this great Pearl Jam song. Holy shit, WTF? and hey cut it out, to you Charlotte Martin!
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What Sucks…Quick Hits: Wikileaks, The TSA, Airlines, Larry King

2010-12-17T11:36:00.001-05:00

…WikiLeaks

Too scary? Too revealing? Or, with this latest release- "Ahmadinejad hangs to the left- both meanings!" Both?!

…TSA

Getting out of hand- last week not only did they demand everyone submit for a pat down, but for couples going away on their honeymoon they demanded the rite of Prima Nocta!

…Airlines

As we are now adding “being felt up” to our already nightmarish travel experiences, turns out the airlines made a cool 900 Mil last year on baggage fees. You may have to pass through a humiliating pat down to get on a plane folks, but I don’t think there are any metal detectors outside the office of airline CEO’s hint, hint. (Blog disclaimer, I am not suggesting you go to a Airline CEO's office with a gun, everyone. A knife is a much better weapon in many circumstances!)

…Larry King

Congrats on your retirement, here’s to you- enjoy the golden year. That's right A-MORE-ica, I went there.
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What Sucks…Funny Web Video: “Merry Christmas You Bastard”

2010-12-16T17:52:00.000-05:00

Check out this cool song thrown together by the very talented and funny Jon Murray and sung by Mark Hoppus and Ben Folds over on Fuse’ cool new music show “A Different Spin”. The season’s last episode airs tonight at 7PM EST –I kind of just finished up a very short stint working there and if you’re a music fan they seem to know their shit- although no one could answer any of my questions about bassa nova.
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What Sucks…Rock & Roll Auctions

2010-12-16T15:02:00.004-05:00

I’ve never been comfortable with idea of collecting Rock & Roll memorabilia- I mean, come on- what are we, trying to turn our homes into a Hard Rock Cafés? You do that and the next thing you know, you’re saying “Hey, there’s Pete Townsend’ nutsack, wait a minute- how much did I pay for this burger? This thing sucks!” I’ve seen it happen.

But after reading about this auction last week in Beverly Hills, and some of the prices people paid, I have to say, holy shit- are we losing our minds? I thought we were in a recession.

Apparently, someone paid 330K for a single Michael Jackson glove- honestly, the lengths to which fans of ~~boy DNA~~ Michael Jackson will go to have something that once belonged to him are amazing. 330K!!! The Fredrick Krueger glove has better karma than that thing and you’re gonna put it in your house? To do what, scare away the ghosts of a Ed Gein?!

Other items that went up for sale were a jump suit worn by Johnny Cash- 50K. 50K!!! Are people losing their minds? Jump suits, first off should not be worn by men, period. But paying 50K for one?

A jacket worn by John Lennon went for 270K. Michael Jackson’s “Beat It” jacket went for 96K and an MTV Award for We Are The World went for 72K!

Let’s think about that for a minute- if you’re THAT big a fan of We Are The World, you know, maybe some of the SEVENTY TWO GRAND you’re gonna pay for a Moon Man, you know could maybe be donated to fight world hunger?!

And who’s buying this shit? Most chose to remain anonymous- I can totally understand why no one wants to be associated with the phrase “…25K for the Bay City Roller’s Roller Skate, going once, going twice- sold to the person clearly not effected by the recession!”
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What Sucks…Politicians Listing The Amount Of Pages In A Bill

2010-12-15T19:14:00.000-05:00

I don’t know, maybe file this under pet-peeves, but any politician who lists the amount of pages in a bill- something normally done when they are shitting on the bill in question…should go fuck themselves.

“Obama released his health care bill, all 955 pages of it…”

Really? The bill where congress begins the process of making it illegal for health insurance companies to kick you off their rolls if you should get sick, the bill where they make it illegal for companies to deny you coverage due to an existing condition- the bill that makes it possible for a shitload more people to get coverage so they DON’T have to go to an emergency room for treatment where treatment costs the MOST- really, they weren’t about the get all that on one page?

The new omnibus bill is 1900 pages long? They couldn’t fit it on one page? The fucking budget? Wow, shocker. Hey, I have an idea- why don't you fucking read it, you assholes!
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What Sucks…Humans!

2010-12-14T13:12:00.001-05:00

Panda’s know how bad the stain of human contact is, these are people trying to HELP them and still they have to dress up as Pandas in order for the Pandas they’re trying to help to have a chance on the outside.

Sure, scientists say that if they DON’T dress this way, then Pandas become “too dependent” on them. I think it’s a nice way of saying that once touched buy a human being- a being capable of making a racist snowman, they basically say, fuck it- I’m as good as dead in the wild.

By the way, hey scientist guy- you look ridiculous!
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What Sucks Presents: Just In Case You Thought The Human Race Was In Any Way Redeemable, Vol 4: Racist Snowman!

2010-12-14T12:15:00.002-05:00

Nice job, dude in Idaho, way to make a snowman racist. Seriously, not enough for you that snowmen are already all white, you have to add the hood and the noose? Quick question, loser- and be honest- did you go to the noose after first trying a burning cross, only to have the flames melt your snowman? You did, didn’t you? Way to go, humanity! No wonder Pandas won’t screw if they are touched by a human! Stories like this make me feel the same way!

Which incidentally leads me too… (the above story- haven’t figured out scrolling yet!)
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What Sucks…TLC (The Learning Channel)

2010-12-13T12:18:00.000-05:00

BLOG NOTE: I know this happened last week but I do need to post it now, because, let’s face it, seldom has something been so rife with suck.

Sarah Palin AND Kate Gosselin appearing on the same show? What I am I learning here, how to hate my TV screen? What audience is this aimed at, secret-cutters looking for new ways to hurt themselves? I heard this episode got a 40 share among Opus Dei sect members bored with flogging!

What was this episode called, “Sarah Palin’s Alaska, The Rest Of The World’s Worst Nightmare”? Jesus, I heard when Kate and Sarah showed up at the same campsite, 3 moose approached Palin ASKING to be shot.

This was weird- 10 minutes after Palin appears on screen, Kate’s kids said they were ready to give their Jon a 2nd chance- 5 minutes after that Piper, Track, Willow and Figg ask if they can get in on the action! I’m not even sure Figg is the name of one of her kids, but admit it, for a few seconds there, you thought to yourself- “hey, maybe I missed one…?”

Ah yes, readers, come, join the fun- some douchenut somewhere thought that it might be a good idea not only to give Sarah Palin a show, but to have Kate Gosselin appear on that same show. This is cable that YOU pay for by the way! The comment section is open, and as usual, don’t be racist!

I heard if ratings for this episode are good, TLC has plans to come to your house and punch you in the balls!

3 separate times the closed caption guy said “if only you were blind too!”
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What Sucks…Quick Hits: Mediocre Joke Clear-Out Edition: Busting Willie Nelson, Grey’s Anatomy, Elizabeth Edwards, Bob Dylan

2010-12-10T23:41:00.001-05:00

…Busting Willie Nelson for Pot

Seriously? We’re still bugging Willie Nelson for pot? Yeah, I hear pot is a gateway drug for Ensure! (Sorry left this joke out of my Willie Nelson post from earlier in the week.)

…Grey’s Anatomy

Will apparently do a musical episode! Hey Grey’s Anatomy, don’t go trying to improve on your realism now! (Sorry, I don’t usually like to post jokes from my Entertainment Weekly ‘Hit List’ submission packet, but this one was too good to pass up- also, it doesn't matter cause one of the cast members fucks a bassist in the band playing the music off camera totally breaking the 4th wall!)

…Elizabeth Edwards

Rest In Peace and take comfort in knowing that in the end you were home with those you loved most AND John Edwards.

…Bob Dylan

Opening an art show in Denmark that feautres 40 original paintings…I wonder if he’ll be showing his “Mmh-nah-dihn ah” from his very prolific “Hown- Nih- Di FLIN” period. Only kidding, you probably only sing in a way that is un-understandable! PS, WhatSucksBlog.com has obtained a picture of his latest self-portrait, check it out here!

Toldja they was mediocre!
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What Sucks…Funny Web Videos: The New Face of TSA

2010-12-09T16:44:00.000-05:00

Last week, I told you all to check out a Tru-TV’s Dumb as Blog video that I thought was funny. Did you? Maybe, maybe not. Did your life change? I don’t know. This week, guess what- I’m telling you to check out another one. These dudes are on fire. Seriously, they are forming the 2nd best comedy-writing/ video producing team out there- sorry Dumb as Blog guys, no one is close to the people who make the commercials for Geico- those fuckers are simultaneously running the gecko/ Geico CEO at insurance conference commercials AND the Mike McGlone rhetorical question series featuring Randy Johnson throwing snowballs and an entirely different one with the guy from Full Metal Jacket as a shrink- this is after doing the “Who’s Watching Me” campaign with the eyes AND the fucking Caveman thing that ended up as a TV show. I’m not even mentioning the ones where they had Peter Frampton tell the story of a normal person’s experience with Geico- holy shit, these guys are the new Show of Show writers! How can those fuckers still be saving me money when they pour so many resources into their commercials! Why are the fucking around with commercials- they should be making film!

I digress, watch this video.
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What Sucks…Arresting Willie Nelson For Weed

2010-12-08T17:39:00.000-05:00

Seriously, copper, you may have solved the case of the country music legend/ long time weed advocate who was holding, but I think I solved the case of squarest narc ever. Great police work by the way, what tipped you off, that you were looking at Willie Nelson? Seriously, thank you – the streets are much safer now, let me give you a tip- I think Snoop Dogg may have weed on him too. And possibly there are drugs somewhere around Keith Richards, Sherlock. Perhaps after that, you can arrest the ghost of Bob Marley.

Of course Willie avoided getting a felony arrest, but seriously I don’t even think misdemeanor charges will stick, isn’t putting Willie Nelson on a tour bus in the first place entrapment?
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What Sucks…Obama

2010-12-07T11:42:00.000-05:00

Congrats Steve Forbes, Larry Ellison, The Koch brothers, the people who own Walmart, and Oprah!

Nice work, Obamsky, you control 2 thirds of government and you can’t hold the line on tax cuts for billionaires? Well, at least Mark Zuckerberg can afford that other 'off-grey" hoodie he had his eye on now.
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What Sucks…The Washington Nationals

2010-12-06T00:58:00.003-05:00

What, does EVERYONE overspend in Washington? (Thank you, it was my pleasure to be the 6 thousandth to make that joke.) Hey Nats, Jayson Werth is not Babe Ruth- Jesus! 7 years?!

I know the Nats aren’t exactly the best franchise out there but 7 years is incredible- I mean with a real front office in Washington the only way this guy could get 6 is if he ran for Chris Dodd’s seat!

Let me speak for DC fan(s) everywhere when I say, thanks for allowing us to watch this guy grow old in the outfield. Jesus, he’ll be in Washington longer than Mark Rubio!
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What Sucks...Try Enjoying Your Life After This

2010-12-03T17:44:00.001-05:00

Let It Be is a "private video" now, so enjoy We Are The World.

I know, I know - please stop with the private emails- there's no Alan Alda?
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What Sucks…Funny Web Videos: Old People News

2010-12-02T11:00:00.000-05:00

Old People News: The Tech Report
Tags: Atom.com,Atom Originals,Atom Blog,Upload Videos

The always funny Kevin Maher has put together another batch of the wildly successful Old People News- the above is just one episode, so check out Old People News On Atom.com for more.

You had me at mocking the elderly.
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What Sucks Salutes Our Picture Caption Contest Winners!

2010-12-01T11:20:00.000-05:00

Congratulations to Kristine Zeldon of Tenafly, NJ who submitted…

“…but why would someone try and bring explosives to heaven?"

“Lady, for the 4th time, you’re headed to Sarasota. You live there. You son will pick you up at the airport.”

“Bobby?”

“Bobby died. Remember? Action Park- in New Jersey, 1988?”

“Are you Bobby?”

“Sigh.”

Nice job Kristine, thanks for going the extra mile on that one- and everyone else, be on the lookout for more contests where you can win valuable prizes*!

*denotes if you include me saying “way to go!” as a “valuable prize”!

Nice job Kristina, and everyone else, be on the lookout for more contests where you can win valuable prizes*!
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What Sucks Salutes Our Picture Caption Contest Winners!

2010-11-30T14:30:00.001-05:00

Congratulations to Erika Shullman of NYC, NH who submitted…

“…forget explosives, I’m looking for a pulse!”

Nice job Erika, and everyone else, be on the lookout for more contests where you can win valuable prizes*!

*denotes unlikely to happen!
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What Sucks Salutes Our Picture Caption Contest Winners!

2010-11-29T13:16:00.001-05:00

Congratulations to Amy Tavalone of Pernspeak, NH who submitted…

“Hey lady, this ain’t exactly making my day either.”

Nice job Amy, and everyone else, be on the lookout for more contests where you can win valuable prizes*!

*denotes once I get a job and get some disposable income.
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What Sucks…Funny Web Video: Rob Paravonian’s Breaking Up For The Holidays!

2010-11-29T11:59:00.000-05:00

Friend of WhatSucksBlog, and all around talented dude Rob Paravonian threw up this vid the other day that is getting the WhatSucksBlog seal of appoval (Graphic pending someone out there who knows photoshop, who can design a Seal giving thumbs up as he takes a massive toke on a bong) not only for its catchiness as a tune, but for the underlying message that visiting family sucks.

So hats off to Rob Paravonian, and here’s to all you out there who survived Thanksgiving AND “Black Friday”, which I learned, has nothing to do with inviting people over your house to watch old episodes of that show “Girlfriends”. Who knew?
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What Sucks…The Reaper

2010-11-29T09:38:00.003-05:00

The great and brilliant star of Airplane! and Naked Gun: From The Files of Police Squad, Leslie Nielsen died yesterday in Ft. Lauderdale of complications arising from pneumonia. He was 84 years old.

Leslie Nielsen was so good in Police Squad and the Naked Gun movies- especially the first Naked Gun film, you could literally go to any scene in the film and see something hilarious. Everything from the physical, to the verbal (“Hey! The missing evidence in the Kelner case! My God, he really was innocent!” “He went to the chair two years ago, Frank.” “Well, uh...”) from being the straight man, to the guy who delivered the punchline, Nielsen handled with ease and grace.

Sure, he spent the last dozen years of his life making every conceivable parody movie known to man, but who cares, he was the guy who said…

“Captain, how soon can you land?”

“I can't tell.”

“You can tell me. I'm a doctor.”

“No. I mean I'm just not sure.”

“Well, can't you take a guess?”

“Well, not for another two hours.”

“You can't take a guess for another two hours?”

Leslie Nielsen, one of the great deadpan comics of all time, RIP.
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What Sucks…Funny Web Video: Turkey Crisis Hotline

2010-11-26T13:32:00.003-05:00

Long time friends of WhatSucksBlog, Tru-TV’s Dumb As A Blog, who have been very kind to me in the past, put out a great video the other day and I only hope it’s the first one in what becomes a series of videos they put up on their site. Nice work done here by funny folks; Ritch Duncan, Rusty Ward and Brooke Van Poppelen.
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What Sucks Presents...Turkey's Are Dicks! A What Sucks Holiday Classic!

2010-11-25T19:39:00.001-05:00

In case you’re feeling bad about this afternoon, realize this: Turkey’s are assholes. Here are some facts from National Geographic…

…Turkeys often bring young children into “PG” or “R” rated films, where they invariably end up talking loudly or crying, thus ruining the movie-going experience for everyone else.

…Turkeys regularly pronounce the “W” in the word “SWORD”.

…Turkeys, when asked if they’ve seen a particular television show, roll their eyes up and contend they “only watch PBS” thus making everyone else in the conversation feel inferior.

…a turkey invented the ATM fee.

…when in a bar with a jutebox Turkeys will often select and play “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” by Meatloaf, sadly this is especially true for male turkeys.

…A turkey will often chose to use the urinal next to you, even when he doesn’t have to.

Happy Thanksgiving all!

WFT?

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What Sucks…Bristol Palin Almost Wins Dancing With The Stars!

2010-11-25T13:06:00.000-05:00

Hats off to Bristol Palin, let’s be honest, I did not think she’d make to the Dancing With The Stars finals, especially when you consider that as a dancer or not, she has never shown she can handle, or handle any methods of...rhythm!

Thank you. Thank you very much.
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What Sucks…Airport TSA Pat-downs/ Opt Out Day

2010-11-24T12:22:00.005-05:00

Opt-out Day? You think that will stop these pervs? Good luck with that. You wanna end this thing forever in 5 minutes? Have the first 10 dudes do the Silence-of-the-Lambs/ Mangina tuck move, problem solved! Any TSA employee that can make it through that, you want him on the wall!

By the way, you’re all welcome!
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What Sucks…Entertainment Weekly

2010-11-23T23:25:00.001-05:00

Thanks EW, 3 shots of naked Anne Hathaway on the cover- all three of them with Jake Gyllenhaal in them! Don’t waste my privates’ time! And bonus sorry to Anne Hathaway, she finally goes nude on the cover of a major magazine, and it turns out she’s only the 2nd prettiest girl on it!
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What Sucks...Bristol Palin

2010-11-23T12:51:00.000-05:00

Storming into the finals of Dancing With The Stars against Jennifer Grey! I guess nobody puts Baby in a corner, unless they themselves also have a baby! P.S. I can’t believe you beat Brandy and cheated us out of an All- People Who Were Involved in Vehicular Manslaughter DWTS Final!
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What Sucks...Dick Cheney

2010-11-22T17:49:00.000-05:00

Getting pissed at George W. Bush (according to Bush’s memoir ‘Decision Points’) for NOT pardoning “Scooter” Libby? Dude, this is George Bush we’re talking about here, the guy does not like to pardon!
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What Sucks...John Kyl, Senator Arizona

2010-11-22T11:46:00.000-05:00

Nice job standing in the way of nuclear disarmament you incredible douchebag, even the Russian mafia who run Russia were able to agree on this, thanks for making us look classy, a-hole! Ah, but what do you care? America just voted to bring back the jag-offs who f-ed up the economy in the 1st place and who actively campaign to take away their unemployment insurance, so sure, stand in the way of America signing a treaty with Russia to get rid of 1500 nukes, I guess the people of this country will consider you a hero.
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What Sucks Classic...Pepe Le Pew

2010-11-19T12:39:00.000-05:00

Is it me, or is this French bastard lucky cats don’t carry mace? I mean Mike Tyson did time for what this skunk does every day. Hey Pepe, “Meow” means “no”! Why each cartoon doesn’t start off with this skunk “registering” himself in a police station is a mystery.

Of course you couldn’t even have Pepe Le Pew without the poor cat who plays “Ned Beatty” to Pepe’s “hillbilly with a banjo”.

That poor thing, it must be hell knowing that each day you come in contact with white paint, that night you’ll have to take the morning after pill. Nine lives is a curse when you have to spend them living in fear of “skunk rape”.

BLAMING THE VICTIM?

Despite a criminal justice system that has apparently failed this cat, it DOES seem it is impossible for her to avoid white paint. I mean seriously, I have managed to avoid white paint for the better part of my lifetime, and I DON’T get fucked by a skunk when I get hit with it. You’d think if the stakes were higher, she’d make more of an effort. But who am I to judge, she’s probably traumatized.

“Oh, white paint again. Great. Now I look like a skunk. Wonder if Pepe Le Pew is gonna come over here try and fuck me? Last time I saw that a-hole I ended up in a bath tub full of tomato juice with a UTI!”

SKUNK OUT OF CONTROL?

What's clear is that Peppy just doesn’t care. As a skunk- he’s GOTTA know that’s a cat. I mean she’s like “MEOW! I’m a fucking cat! That’s mouse on my breath- I’m sitting here with a ball of string…MEOW!”

He can’t help himself- hormones raging- he’s just seeing black and white at this point. How many mornings does Pepe black out, wake up with claw marks across his face, look over to his left and see a badger?

“I did WHAT last night?”

This whole interspecies- nonconsensual thing is wrong. Come on now- kids are watching.
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What Sucks…Ashton Kutcher: A Photo Essay

2010-11-18T12:14:00.000-05:00

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What Sucks…Joe Miller

2010-11-17T15:07:00.001-05:00

Way to go Joe Miller! You’re such a douchebag you lost in an election to someone on a write-in, AND she had a very hard to spell name!
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What Sucks…Politicians Who Say Things Like “You want the GOVERNMENT Dealing With Health Care?”

2010-11-16T13:55:00.004-05:00

Pet peeve of mine here, whether or not you’re for health care reform, or government writing laws that would help prevent credit cards from screwing you as bad as they have been, or gov taking a bigger role in stuff in general is one thing. But can we put a moratorium on politicians rolling their eyes with disdain and saying things along the line of “do you want GOVERNMENT getting involved in ____________?”

They say it with such contempt and as if YOU are stupid if you would expect a government that you pay taxes to getting involved in something in any way to make things easier on you. And they say it as if they are fine with the implied knowledge that apparently no one can argue, that government is such a fuck-up, it getting involved in something is a disaster waiting to happen and keeping government out of whatever mess they’re talking about is a no brainer.

And it’s one thing to hear a statement like that from your uncle or neighbor, but a politician saying it- and another thing they love to say is “Government is the problem!”- (McCain says it a lot) doesn’t it just make you wanna say- hey asshole- you ARE the government! You’re saying then YOU ARE the problem! Here’s an idea- why don’t you just do your fucking job?!

When a boss asked me to print out a proposal I was supposed to put together for him, I didn’t say- “Oh, you don’t want ME doing that…” He’d have said, “yeah I do, ass- that’s why I’m paying you.”

Another thing- politicians when they say this like to quote Ronald Reagan who said that “…government is not the solution to the problem, government IS the problem…” And again, whether you dig Reagan or not is not the point, Reagan said this ABOUT the assholes in government- when a politician repeats it, he/ she is insulting themselves! If you’re the fucking problem, asshole, then why are you asking me to A) vote for you, B) listen to anything you say.

In closing, let me just say this- F you politicians who say, “Government is the problem.” Fix the fucking problem then.

(By the way, November 16th is "write a non-funny blog post" day.)
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What Sucks…People Who Take To YouTube With A Mandolin, To Cover “The Boss”

2010-11-15T12:26:00.001-05:00

Lookit, a lot of times, it may very well work. This blog is about what sucks, not just blindly hating. People do a cover of a song on an ukulele or mandolin and a lot of other people dig it. It may not be my thing necessarily, but that’s okay.

‘Cept when it comes to the Boss.

Come on man, the Boss does not do Ren-Fairs.

Seriously. Two Hearts?
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What Sucks…Catching Up

2010-11-12T13:45:00.000-05:00

Sorry everyone- I’ve been in a mad crunch lately trying to rid the world of suckiness and get myself some god-damn steady work. Let the post-dating and make-up blog entries begin! (It actually began yesterday.)

So, for today, no entry, just this picture of Jim Belushi to reflect on.
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