Thursday, June 25, 2015

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Elderly Twins, Cab Drivers, Mummenschanz, Mistresses

…Elderly Twins
Stop going out in public, running into you in any setting is chilling!

…Cab Drivers
I don’t even want to talk to these dudes to tell them where I want to go, yet they’re constantly on the phone- what lonely soul is on the other end of that phone?!

If Judgement Day comes down the way they say it will, we're gonna have a hard time explaining this.

Stop kissing the inside of shirt collars like that- ESPECIALLY if you're gonna wear that much lipstick!
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Wednesday, June 24, 2015

What Sucks…Subway Performers Who Suck: A What Sucks Investigative Report! Part 1: People Who “Drum” on Over-Turned Buckets.

It’s a widely accepted fact in New York City that the act of going down into the subway is not unpleasant enough.  The subway just doesn’t stink enough, there are far too few rats and without question, it is WAY TO FUCKING QUIET. 

So as New Yorkers, let us take our hats off to one of the underrated heroes that make traveling underground the experience that it is, the Subway Performer Who “Drums” on Over-Turned Buckets. 

That sound, so pure- it’s no wonder when I look back at old films of Buddy Rich or Ginger Baker, I always see them banging away on something that says “Cold Slaw” written on it, upside down.  Here’s my question, when New Yorkers give them money, the general idea is that we’re paying them to stop, right?  Hey “bucket drummers”, take the hint!

So, are these guys licensed?  Because from my understanding of Law & Order repeats, subway performers have to be granted a license from the city, or I don’t know if they weren’t we’d probably end up with a bunch of assholes down there banging on buckets!  But, are these guys actually allowed by the city to be there? Or, when a cop approaches do they just quickly get up, grab a fishing pole, and throw a blue-fish in their “floor tom”?  And yeah, it’s a floor tom, its all floor toms with these guys.  There is no snare, it’s a goddamned bucket. 

Now look, I am not saying they should be thrown in jail- I know their trying to make a living, but isn’t it time we did something about this?  How bout some kind of American Idol thing- there can be judges- a bum covered in his own filth, a rat and a person who administrates “stress tests” for the Church of Scientology.  They can review the street performer and determine where they go.  It’s a compromise, and it could be a step in the right direction.  Or just put these fuckers on the G Train, where they can bug the 14 people a year who take that thing to wherever it goes (the Island in Lost?). 

Next in the series: The Steel Drum!
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Monday, June 22, 2015

What Sucks…Asparagus!

People always talk about what Asparagus does to your pee- let me tell you something, it ain’t doing your poo any favors either!

Friday, June 19, 2015

What Sucks...New @Holes Comedy Show This Monday Night 6/22!


@HolesComedy Show is back!  

This Monday night- the day AFTER Father'sDay- so bring your old man, or step dad- anyone who might have done the nasty with your mom and enjoy an awesome show with awesome comics- 

On the show comedian Chuck Nice...

The filthy folk-music of Jessica Delfino...

Matt Goldich of Late Night with Seth Meyers...

Vanessa Fraction of BET...

plus the music of new house band The Cynthia Kaplan Ordeal and the final NY Appearance of the one and only Buttah Man!  

Monday night, 9PM at West End Lounge!  

Finally, a place in NYC to see comedy! 

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Tuesday, June 09, 2015

What Sucks…Quick Hits: God, Meryl Streep, Paul Simon, People Who Make Diapers That Look Like Jeans

Thanks for all the ear hair!  We’re created in Your own image?  Who are you, character actor Paul Dooley?!
…Meryl Streep
Overrated!  What’s the big deal? She’s 3 for 18 when it comes to Oscars, she’s hit .167!  She’s Ike Davis of the Academy Awards! 
 ...Paul Simon
Dude, you can stop with the baseball cap, we’ve known you’re bald for the last 30 years!
…People Who Make Diapers That Look Like Jeans
Stop! I don't want my kid thinking its okay to shit in jeans! 
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Friday, June 05, 2015

What Sucks...Rick Santorum!

The worst Presidential candidate ever to run in my lifetime is back!

So what new lows of hackery and cynicism lie ahead for us?  Already this turd-muffin has taken on the Pope, who by the way, by definition, is Infallible- saying the Pontiff should not talk about climate change, because he is “not a scientist”.  Turns out, the Pope has a MA in Chemistry, so He kind of is one!  Pope 1, Santorum 0. 

Hey, people encouraging Rick Santorum to run for President- stop! 

The news isn’t all bad though, in the past a simple google search on Santorum’s name would famously reveal the number one hit to define “Santorum” as “the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex”.  Well, that definition is no longer the first thing associated with Santorum’s name- I guess what I’m saying is- CONGRATULATIONS FROTHY MIXTURE OF LUBE AND FECAL MATTER! 
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