Friday, May 31, 2013

What Sucks…Holograms

Holograms are back! Eazy E and Ol’ Dirty Bastard will reportedly be at this year’s Rock The Belles and…this just in, the Ol’ Dirty Bastard Hologram has been arrested and will not be able to appear.

I understand ODB’s hologram will be finished before Eazy E’s (less teeth) but it does lead to a few interesting questions, like what songs will they perform and can a hologram lead police on a four-state high speed chase?

One complication here, ODB’s widow issued a cease and desist because she’s the only one who can approve ODB’s likeness.  But this all may be a smoke screen to get her son, Boy Jones, AKA Young Dirty Bastard to perform at the show. 

Those Dirty-Bastards, it’s always something. 
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Friday, May 24, 2013

What Sucks…The People In Everlast’s What Its Like Song

What the hell is wrong with you people? If you don’t want to give a guy some spare change just say no, or better yet don’t say anything, why do you have to call him a “fucking slob” and tell him to get a job?!  Don’t you think Lenny would get a job if he could?  Who’s gonna hire him by the way?  He’s got an alcohol problem!
And you, Tom.  Who the hell raised you?  You get Mary pregnant and then you blow her off? Step up and be a man!  I know your scared, I know you are frightened, but man-up and stop thinking only of yourself!  And you, people at the clinic!  Get a friggin’ life! 
And Max! You! Who do you think you are?!  You have a wife and kids to think about?  You a gangsta now?  You a gangsta? Well now you are dead! 
(The previous is part of my one man show, “A Waste Of Your Time”.  We are still looking for a venue.)

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Starbucks, Your Facebook Picture, Big Ang, Roman Numerals

Thank God I get to a Starbucks every once in a while, otherwise I would never be able to hear the soundtrack from “Once”!

…Your Facebook Profile Pic
I’m writing a piece about people who don’t look anything like their Facebook profile pictures, does anyone have the number for 90 percent of all women?

...Big Ang
The show is in its third season, can someone give her a lozenge?!
…Roman Numerals
Go past 3, and you’ve basically lost me!
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Wednesday, May 15, 2013

What Sucks Presents...Shorter: Piano Man By Billy Joel

What Sucks is about to save you about 6 minutes here...

"This whole place sucks, I'm surrounded by lonely alcoholics.  Paul, sorry, I haven't got around to reading your "real estate novel".  Thank you Davey for your service to our nation."

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Monday, May 13, 2013

What Sucks…Quick Hits: The Bear Family From The Charmin Commercials, The Knicks, Nancy Grace, People Raising Money for “The Environment”

…The Bear Family From The Charmin Commercials
End the experiment and just go back to shitting wildly wherever you're at, you savage killers!

…The Knicks
Welcome Rasheed Wallace, Kurt Thomas and Marcus Camby! (Signs at Knick practice and AARP meetings! 

…Nancy Grace

…People Raising Money for “The Environment”
Problem is, I have 5 minutes for the environment but zero time for strangers talking to me on the street. 

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Friday, May 10, 2013

What Sucks…V8!

I could have had a V8- but didn’t!  Good thing too, because I didn’t feel like drinking room-temperature tomato soup!
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Thursday, May 09, 2013

What Sucks… Tupac’s Aunt

The first woman to ever make it to number one on the FBI Most Wanted list just had a 2 million dollar bounty placed on her head, and oh, by the way, she’s 2pacs aunt!  Congrats Assata Shakur! 

By the way, I heard the FBI is getting serious about tracking her down, the other day they brought Tupac’s hologram in for questioning.

Many think she’s in Cuba, and its rumored that the Government tried to get Jay-Z to go there and flush her out- that’s what Jay-Z is becoming now, the dude from Taken!  I will find you! I have skills!

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Wednesday, May 08, 2013

What Sucks…Michael Jackson In The News

First off, there were autopsy reports.  He died of a drug overdose, which we knew, but there was other information revealed here and I have to say, we got off easy. So the guy had his lips tattooed pink and the top of his head tattooed black to match his wigs.  Who cares- we got off easy!  It very well could have been that they opened him up and there were 4 little Michaels in there controlling a very weird Michael robot!
His child’s biological father was revealed and it was British actor Mark Lester.  Who is the kid’s Godfather and seems normal.  Again, relief!  It could have very well been a giraffe or something.  Or even worse, Tito.
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Tuesday, May 07, 2013

What Sucks…Mr. Cee

New York DJ, whobroke the Notorious BIG gets caught once again for picking up a male prostitute. At this point it would be news if Mr. Cee was stopped with a female prostitute. 
Yet in an interview he continues to say he’s not gay.  Not gay? Then you are in definite need of glasses. Near sighted, far sighted, something is wrong. You are unable to pick up an Adam’s Apple or “size 13 feet” at any kind of distance.  See an eye doctor. That’s an eye doctor, they have offices.  Not some tranny dressed in a lab coat! 
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Monday, May 06, 2013

What Sucks…Kim K

Kim K went to the famous Met Gala on Sunday…dressed like a couch.
Oh boy. Ready?  Okay...
I heard on the red carpet, they asked her who she was wearing and she said “Jennifer’s Convertibles”.
After the Gala, Kanye took her home to see if he could find any loose change “under the cushions.” 
Who wore it better?  Kim, or my aunt’s living room sectional?
This outfit is actually a set- it comes with an end table and a ceiling fan!
This is a daring outfit, daring me to get food on it without it having a plastic slip cover! 
Join in, in the comment section and please don’t be racist! 

Thursday, May 02, 2013

What Sucks...The Chase Freedom “Footloose” Commercial

Finally something worse than the Footloose remake! Look at this piece of crap! How the hell was this made?  At one point they are at a loss for rhymes and have to throw a “hound” into the video just to justify the song!  
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Wednesday, May 01, 2013

What Sucks…Jason Collins

N.B. Gay!  Jason Collins became the first openly gay, male pro-athlete when he came out in a Sports Illustrated article.  I have to say I am happy with the support the guy has gotten from professional athletes throughout sports, with messages ranging from “Proud of you” from Jason Kidd, to “Call me!” from Tony Romo.
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