Thursday, January 31, 2013

What Sucks….Jose Canseco

 47 year-old Jose Canseco has been on Twitter all week pleading for a tryout for a major league team.  Check these out…

I guess murderers and child molesters get more chances than I do

Fenway .350 lifetime batting average 1 hr per every 9 at bats .I am ready to play for Boston give me a tryout

Dude, they test now and not just for what Madonna gave you.  Call the Mets. 
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Monday, January 28, 2013

What Sucks Presents…Diarrhea Horoscopes!

Here are your diarrhea horoscopes for the week of January 28th, 2013….

Scorpio. Be open to new experiences like travel, study and even diarrhea.

Taurus. With Mars in retrograde, old physical issues reappear, deal w/ them on their own & not while you have diarrhea.

Cancer. Rely on family during this trying time, you need their support to recover from diarrhea.

Sagittarius. You may feel over-burdened of late, do what you can to avoid diarrhea.

Aries.  Diarrhea trines the moon in your 4th house, sadly the toilet in that house is not currently working so avoid long trips.

Capricorn. Don’t be over burdened with concern for other’s diarrhea. 
Worry about your own.

Pieces. Diarrhea will be on your mind a lot today, and unfortunately, on your leg.

Aquarius.  For you, diarrhea will not be a concern.  Uncontrollable mucous discharge will be.

Libra. While others are starting their diarrhea journey, you are finishing up yours.  Your life is forever changed and your marriage is over.  Spend the day doing laundry.

Taurus.  You knew diarrhea was going to be a big part of your life, now you are finding out exactly how big.  Consider getting your affairs in order.

Leo. Diarrhea is immanent.  The sooner you realize that the better you will be.  Your ridiculous plan to wear an adult diaper will not work.

Virgo. You could very well have had diarrhea for months and not know it.  Stick with what works, focus on poetry, the Lord will provide, she always does.

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Wednesday, January 23, 2013

What Sucks…Quick Hits: The New Orleans Pelicans, Boston, Lance Armstrong, The New Orleans Saints

…The New Orleans Pelicans!

Pelicans?  PELICANS? How the hell did this happen? Is this some kid’s “make a wish”?  
Still, better than “The Raptors”.


An African American dude sworn in as Prez AND the Patriots lose?  Rough 
couple of days for Boston.

…Lance Armstrong

Man, is his image taking a beating- my son just took down all his 
posters and replaced them with bike messengers!

…The New Orleans Saints

Can you please pay Drew Brees whatever he wants so we never have to see 
him do a commercial with One Direction again?

Friday, January 18, 2013

What Sucks…Us (We Suck)

On one terrible day in 1980, a woman in Australia lost her 9 week-old baby when it was, horrifically taken and then subsequently killed by a dingo, (a wild dog.) Despite her pleas, she served more than 3 years in prison for the murder of her child and only when a piece of her daughter’s clothes were found in a dingo lair was she eventually, after a long legal battle, exonerated.

On top of that, in her horror of losing her child, she very reasonably said “the dingo’s got my baby”, but was famously misquoted to have said “a dingo ate my baby”. Which, even if it was an accurate quote, was a reasonable thing to say seeing the abject horror of what just transpired.

So, how’d we react? Oh, we only mocked this poor woman for years and years, turning “a dingo ate my baby” into everything from a punch line on a major television series, to a line horrifically insensitive tee shirts.

We’re terrible people. A dingo ate this woman’s baby. What the hell is wrong with us?
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Monday, January 14, 2013

What Sucks Presents: The “Feel Good” Headline of the Day!

There you go, “Drug Overdoses top AIDS As Main Cause of Homeless Deaths”!  All right everyone, have a great day, and try not to kill yourselves at work! Congrats “drug overdoses!”  Tough luck AIDS, you have a heck of a run! 

We live in the richest country in the world by the way!

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Friday, January 11, 2013

What Sucks...Salutes Giant Balls: Sammy Sosa!

After falling (way) short of the necessary votes needed to get into the Hall of Fame, Sammy Sosa released a statement aimed at silencing critics who contend he used steroids as a player.  Claiming he was never proven to have taken ‘roids (although the New York Times reported he failed a test in 2003), he said he and other stars of the “steroid era” who did not get voted in are, “still winners” and that there is always a “next time”. 

Oh, and he released it in a press release from the new company he manages called “Injex 21”, a company that specializes in needleless drug injections. 

Balls.  Huge ones. 
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Wednesday, January 09, 2013

Thursday, January 03, 2013

What Sucks...2012!

2012. Wow. What a year. Come to think of it, 2012, ‘11, ’10…what a past few couple of years. With all we’ve seen, it’s gotten to the point where I wonder if anything can even phase us anymore. Let’s be honest- we should have thrown in the towel a long time ago, much less made past January 1st.

The Mayan’s had the right idea- except I’m thinking it was probably less “the world will come to an end!” and more a “Jeezus, by 2012? They’ll give up! Fuck it. STOP MAKING CALENDARS! I mean, can any society withstand FIVE Twilight films? A guy will get a Mitt Romney tattoo! ON HIS FACE FOR CHRISTSAKES! And the “selfie” will be a thing!”

Still, we shoulder on. Like Rocky, taking blow after blow…

…Avril Lavigne marries the lead singer of Nickelback- BAM!
…Hulk Hogan has a sex tape- WHAM!
…Fucking “Yolo”- BOOM!

…and do we quit? No, we’re in the corner yelling “Cut me, Mick! Cut me!”

What exactly are we fighting for? Russell Brand to get another TV show? More Twitter Parody accounts to be created (except for the brilliant @HobokenSinkhole)?

Let’s face it- stupidity and ignorance are at “super-bug” status. Our natural protectors- a human’s capacity to feel shame and self-awareness- are no match for the unquenchable desire to feel victimized and outraged that infects us now. Misinformation runs amok. We are “post-smart”.

Even the earth has given up on us. Look at what Sandy did to Seaside Heights. “Yeah, it’s the final season of Jersey Shore? Well, let’s just make sure of that.” The planet has clearly recognized that we’re never going to address our environmental issues and now, through wildfire, drought, flood and tornado, has decided to fight back.

Go ahead- mock climate change, the earth doesn’t care- it’ll just send a tornado to Brooklyn to get your ass. Natural disasters are now Mother Nature’s personal Seal Team 6. Hurricane Sandy knocked so many people out of their homes that at one point the city considered using Arthur Kill Correctional Facility- a former prison- as a shelter. That’s how our bad-ass weather is now- it puts innocent people in jail!

But the earth isn’t going to kill us if we get to ourselves first. We now live in a society where mass shootings are everywhere you turn- and we’re turning a lot- mostly to check out if someone behind us is doing a “mass-shooting”. Sadly, they’re so common, it’s hard to tell them apart unless there’s a truly unique aspect to them.

“Hmm, a guy wants to kill Muslims, but is so grotesquely stupid he walks into a Sikh Temple and starts shooting up the place? Okay, that’ll pop, everyone else however, please continue to review your plans and where possible, punch it up a little.”

Additionally, anyone who suggests we should curtail the public’s ability to purchase assault weapons is met full force with a tired, stale, NRA-talking-point-filled, argument against them. Even worse- 90% of the time, it comes at you on your Facebook feed via someone else’s status update! Unbearable! Hey gun nuts and anti-gun nuts- you’re not advancing the discussion- you’re only infringing on MY rights to check out what my ex-girlfriend looks like these days.

Sadly, Facebook status updates are actually as good as it gets on the gun control convo. Our public representatives are pathetic. Even after one of the most horrific mass shootings of all time this past December- one that narrowly beat out another horrendous shooting in July, Llamar Alexander- a Senator mind you- said, out loud, that “video games are a bigger problem that guns”. Really, ‘cause unless Master Chief is pulling a Samara at the end of The Ring on you, I don’t think so, you incredible douche-knuckle.

So why are we not grabbing a pitchfork and a torch, and jumping on that 6 dollar Chinatown bus that goes to DC? What exactly has to happen in order for us to be mobilized?

Apparently, a fast-food chicken joint has to come out against gay marriage.

If you don’t remember, last spring, some asshole at some shit-hole fast food restaurant said he was against gay marriage. Next thing you know people were boycotting the place, Mayors were declaring Chik-Fil-A would never be allowed to open in their cities and everyone in the world was freaking the fuck out. Then, a whole other group of people- some of them one-time Presidential candidates- decided they’d take the time to support the place with a “Chik-Fil-A Appreciation Day”. This spurred the original group of people to organize a same-sex kiss off in front of the place and Holy Lord of Jeezus, who gives a fuck? It’s a chicken joint. A shitty one. Shouldn’t we at least wait to see where Shakey’s Pizza comes down on the issue before we react?

Now I don’t want you to think that in between this shit-show, when we weren’t dodging bullets or 100 year-old trees being uprooted by 90 mph winds, we didn’t have a few bright spots. We did. We finally fixed that picture of Jesus. Our most prominent Mayor used his considerable political capital to ensure we couldn’t drink big cokes. And we got that horrible Ann Curry off the Today Show.

Another high point was the emergence of the brilliant satire “Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo”. Not only does this show comment on white trash, it’s also a statement about the television industry, the media in general, and a world where a show like this could succeed. No one escapes the lampooning, and it really holds a mirror up to society aaaannnnnnd I’m now being told it’s a real show holy fucking shit.

2012 also wasn’t without its one-hit-wonders. I’m talking of course about those things a few years from now, we’ll think back on and ask ourselves with a laugh- “what were we thinking?!” You know, Carly Rae Jepson, PSY, Kony.

The scourge of “Boy Band” returned with One Direction and The Wanted. And for about a month, an Asian dude played point guard for the Knicks and people freaked out- although I kind of get that, the dude is Asian.

In sex news, John Travolta showed up to massages to get H-J’s and chew bubble gum and apparently had no idea what bubble gum was. Not a clue. “50 Shades Of Grey” introduced moms the country over to the idea of light S&M play, which most likely resulted in them trying to put a spark back into their sex lives. Pretty cool, right? Now picture it in your mind. Yes, that’s your mom doing that in your mind now. See how books are bad for you?

A lot of high profile break-ups took place. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes divorced citing “irreconcilable differences” (read: “high Thetan levels”), Kristen Stewart chose “Team Home-Wrecking Whore” when she cheated on R-Patz with the married director of her Snow White movie, and Taylor Swift broke up with so many people all I can imagine is she’s working on a double album.

But it wasn’t all about the breakup- Justin Timberlake got married! Now he’ll be bringing “sexy back” once or twice a month if he’s lucky!

In other news, some dude took Bathsalts and chewed off another guy’s face. (Florida). A woman was arrested for riding Manatees. (Florida). People waited in line for hours to vote on Election Day and the results were not fully tabulated until four days after the election was over. (Obviously, Florida) A man was arrested for calling 911 to report a weird dream he had. (Yep.) And the country was so shocked at how incredibly shitty a bunch of kids were to a woman on their school bus, that they basically made her a millionaire. (Surprisingly, not Florida.)

The dude who works Elmo had to quit after it was discovered he also had his hand up in a bunch of young teenagers and the head of the world’s most secret agency, the CIA, could not cover up his own affair because apparently, a lot of it occurred on G-mail.

Also, Clint Eastwood yelled at an empty chair at the Republican National Convention.

That’s a lot of suck to deal with. So what was our reaction? Did we fight back? Did we launch an offensive? No. We just kept on keeping on. Is that how this epic battle against suck will be won? By just out-lasting it? By just soldiering on in a drone like existence as suck explodes all around us?! Yes?! All right, fine.

Before I get to the detestable ten, we did land a space vessel on the surface of Mars, and re-elect an African American President, but please enjoy this, greatest moment from the past year, it very well may be enough to get through another 365 days on this floating turd we call “the world”. I give you, the greatest press conference of all time (its about butt chugging)…

All right- here’s a list of serious assholes. As always, if your name doesn’t appear on this list, it doesn’t mean you don’t suck, Willie Geist. (Editor points to his eyes and then to Geist, like DeNiro in “Meet The Parents”, “Meet The Fockers”, “Little Fockers”, “Can You Believe These Fockers?” and “Focking Puerto Ricans*”) *denotes: in development

10) Lance Armstrong

Another black eye for biking. This, bike messengers, bike shorts worn by people who should not be wearing them- how much can the sport endure? Now personally, I don’t see how you can do cycling and NOT be taking something. It’s boring! I took a spin class the other day- lights are flashing, music is blaring- I had to do “X” just to get through it! It’s like a rave, only less sweaty people.

Still, Armstrong’s admission, while devastating to cycling (now the next most well known cyclist is the bike messenger who almost hit you on the way to work this morning) couldn’t have come as a surprise to anyone. The rumors have been there for years. I mean, the guy has won the Tour de France 7 times- once by foot! And even if he can explain his 7 titles, how does he explain his 2003 victory in The Preakness?!

But it wasn’t just cheating in bike races that makes Lance the douche he is. If it was, well, no one would care. I mean, it’s biking for Christsakes. I’ll take your word for it! What makes Lance Armstrong different is the way he did it and, ironically, the unbelievable size of his balls.

His cheating is well documented- and we’re not just talking regular cheating here where you take a pill or even inject something into your ass in some weight room. This dude would have his entire blood supply replaced with higher, more oxygenated blood, sometimes on a bus on the way to a race. When tested, he’d employ techniques of avoiding detection so effectively the US Anti-Doping Agency in their over 1000-page report admitted Armstrong ran the “most sophisticated, professionalized and successful doping program that sport has ever seen”.

So yes, as an athlete Armstrong was a total fraud. Everything was a lie. Who even knows what to believe about this guy? Does he even have only one ball? I want a recount!

But what makes Armstrong a Hall of Fame Douchebag, is what he did to other people who spoke out against him. Forget for a second that he was cheating his
balls, nuts, nards,, legs(?) off and then talking about how amazing his own work ethic was- this dude regularly used intimidation, threats and his wealth- flexing his financial muscle, by throwing a team of high priced lawyers at anyone who would speak out against him- running lives and bankrupting folks who he knew to be speaking the truth. What an enormous set of metaphoric balls!

9) Ted Nugent

Hey, here’s an idea- why don’t you shut the fuck up? Really, it’s a thing now that I have to hear what Ted Nugent thinks? I get it, he likes to hunt. He digs guns. Point totally made, like 300 thousand times since he left Damn Yankees. But damnit, if every time I looked up in this past election year I didn’t see the Nuge on TV talking shit.

Why?! It doesn’t have to be like this! And I don’t entirely blame the Nuge, by the way. He’s not putting himself on TV. It’s the cynical and lazy dickwads putting together our news cycles- you know, the bad-guys from “The Newsroom”. It’s that “perpetual outrage” thing where we all have to be pissed off about something, as long as it’s something that doesn’t matter. It’s like the media’s saying “Oooh…you hear what Ted Nugent said?”

No. I didn’t. Most likely because I wasn’t at the 4th stage at “Shit-Fest” this summer when he played at two in the afternoon. (Ed Note: Nickelback headlined and the last night, with the surviving members of Hootie & the Blowfish (no Darius Rucker), closed out by doing The Who’s Tommy- awesome!)

Have you ever seen any of the video of Ted Nugent saying his crazy-shit? It’s always shot on some burner flip-phone the guys on The Wire wouldn’t use. There’s bonfire nearby and the stage he’s on in the best cases looks “recently constructed”. The dude gigs at places that make the Waterloo Village Music Center look like Royal Albert Hall. He’s got a mic in one hand, a machine gun in the other- normally I’d say it’s fucked up he’s got a gun, but the venues he plays, he may actually need it. Point is- I’d say stupid and obnoxious stuff to raise my profile if I were a washed up rock star who has to do “High Enough” without Tommy Shaw in the middle of the woods for my first encore too.

So this year he said “If Barack Obama becomes the President in November again, I will either be dead or in jail by this time next year…"

Okay, fine. Clock is ticking.

8) Papa John Guy

2012 was a big year for people with a lot of money to freak the fuck out. You had Sheldon Adelson, an 80 year-old billionaire so concerned with Obama’s reckless spending, that he donated 10 million dollars of his own money to Newt Gingrich’s Presidential campaign. Hmm.

Then you had David Siegel, a billionaire who was famously building the largest and most expensive single family home in US history, for his wife who looks like this,
threaten, urge his employees to vote for Mitt Romney, because if Obama got reelected, he might just have to fire everyone.

Let’s not forget Jack Welch, the legendary former CEO of GE, who, when a jobs report showing a (small) increase in employment came out he didn’t just downplay it, he called it a flat out fake- wondering aloud if something was up with these “Chicago guys”, as if “Chicago Guys” would go to the trouble of doctoring a major jobs report, and have that jobs report only show marginal growth at best.

And then there was this guy…John Schnatter, the founder and CEO of Papa John’s Pizza.

First off, politics aside, what this guy does to “pizza” on a daily basis, Mike Tyson went to jail for.

It’s not pizza. Pizza is a delicious food, given to us by the Italians, which features fresh, delicious cheese, melted over a sauce made with tomatoes, onions, garlic, olive oil- MY GOD I AM GETTING HUNGRY JUST THINKING OF IT! Are you getting hungry too? Are you picturing a delicious pizza in your mind? The cheese bubbling on the surface- the smell of tomatoes and garlic waffling through the room…has anything related to Papa Johns entered your mind yet? No? You know why? Because you are dreaming of pizza and not poop!

That said, Schnatter is on the list not because he makes vile “food stuff”. He’s not here because he’s tried to “chain” Italian food, which cannot be done without horrific consequence to the world (Olive Garden, anyone?)

He’s here because of all the jillionaires that were out there bitching and moaning about how Obama was a socialist over the past year- and there were a lot of them- this jack-ass may have had the largest set of balls among them.

Here’s a guy who built an empire on making shitty pizza- and believe me, it is shitty. He staffed his stores with some of the lowest paid employees in America, and then, proceeded to make so much money he was able to build himself a 40,000 foot castle outside of Louisville, on something like 16 acres of land, complete with swimming pools, a lake and a 22 car garage with its own car wash. LOOK!

As has been reported in many places, he actually held a fundraiser for Mitt Romney where ROMNEY marveled at how insane the crib was, and that’s coming from MITT ROMNEY, a guy with a car elevator- which to this day, I don’t know if that means he has so many cars, he needs to take an elevator to see them stacked on top of each other, or he has an elevator solely devoted to cars, so they don’t have to drive up and down ramps, or something. Can someone check on that for me?

I should mention- I’m fine with Papa John guy having money. That’s how it works- he had the idea to make shitty pizza, he should get paid. I get it. My issue is, when a law was passed so that his employees may one day be eligible for health insurance- the Affordable Health Care Act- Papa John is all of a sudden, “I’m Ain’t Your Papa-Papa John” and freaks out to the extent where he promises to freeze hiring and cut employees hours so they don’t qualify for any benefits. And here’s the kicker, because these people getting insurance- and by the way, subsequently no longer needing to be treated at the emergency room where you and I pay for them- would force him to raise the price of his “pizza” by 14 cents.

Now, I know what you’re saying. This guy knows his product. 14 cents may actually be the threshold many have to not buy his “pizza”. I mean, I can see it- one night, I’m drunk- I end up at a Papa John’s and order a slice. They pull it out of the microwave, throw it on the counter and say, “all right- that’ll be 87 cents.” I put my hand in my pocket, and then they say “wait a minute, I mean that will be $1.01.” I’m gonna have to give pause there. I mean, I might pay .87¢ for a turd, but will I spend a buck oh one on it? That could be a deal breaker. But that’s what you sign up for when you get into the business of selling shit, shaped as pizza.

Add on to this that his pizza business does over a billion dollars. He also estimated the cost of health care for his employees under the new law to be between 5 and 8 million a year, THEN ran a “free pizza” promotion for his company that cost them somewhere between 24 and 32 million.

Put that on top of the fact that he’s gambling the public won’t care whether or not his employees have health care, without taking into account that if you eat Papa John’s Pizza on a regular basis you are most likely going to be in need of a doctor, and Papa John, becomes an enormous asshole.

7) Paul Ryan

I’m not going to tell you my age (a lady never does!) but I will say that Paul Ryan, with his Republican Vice Presidential nomination, became the first person in my general age bracket to ascend to the level of national politician. And to that simple fact, I feel the overwhelming responsibility to say to you all…sorry. Please believe me, we’re not all incredible assholes.

Ryan, who apparently didn’t read Ayn Rand in high school, where he would have most assuredly, after a 2-month fling with how “cool” she was, come to the revelation like the rest of us, that her books and life were rife with bullshit, was hailed by his party to be the answer to all problems. In reality however, all he did was prove THIS BLOG’s longstanding theory that in order to be nominated as Vice President, you need to be a major douchebag. (See Lieberman, Joe, Cheney, Dick, Edwards, John, Palin, Sarah, etc.)

Ryan, instead of staking out any kind of ideological ground where he could let the “free market” he so worships determine the value of his much heralded (by rich people) ideas, the same “free market” by the way he feels is qualified to determine what health insurance you get- not only took a backseat to Mitt Romney, but was reduced to a petty, name calling douche-knuckle bested in a debate by none other than renowned insane person, Joe Biden.

What a letdown.

Along the way, Ryan, who by the way, cosponsored a lot of the anti-abortion “let’s redefine rape” stuff with notorious shit-bag Todd Akin, exposed himself to be a visionless twerp apt to undermine his own credibility by constantly, and often needlessly, lying.

Pick your favorite Ryan lie- blaming Obama for closing an auto-plant that was proven to be closed before Obama even took office? Criticizing the President for rejecting deficit -reducing measures recommended by Simpson-Bowles, that Ryan, himself also did not vote for? Or how bout the bizarre claim that he ran a marathon in less than 3 hours?

Even the “Foxconn-esque” lie-factory that is Fox News called him out for his bullshit. This cynical fuck, in his RNC acceptance speech, bemoaned college grads “living out their 20’s in childhood bedrooms, staring up at fading Obama posters.” All the while neglecting to mention his opposition to legislation that would have stopped student loan rates from doubling.

A recurring theme for Ryan during his weak-ass campaign, was that he was for the “makers” as opposed to the “takers”. But on a closer look, he classified “takers” as anyone who took anything from the government, including Social Security or Medicare benefits- that’s 60 percent of the people. (If he had NOT included those, the number would have been closer to 2%.)

Then there’s the matter of his own plan for Medicare, where behind closed doors he was going to make it a voucher program. Never mind going after the systemic reasons why health care costs so much, he was, under the bullshit mantra of, “you know how to better spend your money than the government does”, just going to let you spend less of it on your health, at a time in your life when you don’t have a lot of it coming in.

By the way, in matters of health care, I’m sick of Republicans using the false empowerment dictum of “you can spend this money better than we can”, A) we know that statement is just an excuse for you to pay less money into the system and B) no they can’t. People buy shit like Okay Magazine, and Taylor Swift albums they can’t spend better.

And about the RNC speech, what is with Republican handlers that they think its cool for their VP Candidates to give cynical, shortsighted speeches that may momentarily rouse the white people in their audience, but do nothing but set back their party’s brand? Ryan, a young man who could have turned the corner on his and his party’s future, fell right into this trap of sounding like your racist uncle at Thanksgiving dinner.

Hey, jag-off, you’re 43 years old, in a few years the old-ass Republican douchebags you’re carrying water for now are going to be dead or in old-people diapers- or in the case of Dick Cheney, both! You took the opportunity in the nation’s spotlight to show the world how you can be a total stooge for millionaires, and get completely outclassed by Obama. Way to go. You’re an amateur- why don’t you go show up at a soup kitchen so someone could take your picture, washing an already cleaned pot, you dickwad.

6) Rape Guys

What can be said for these incredible sacks-of-shit who repeatedly felt the need to share, and repulse us with their views on rape? Thank you, you immense cocksuckers for making “Hey, what do you think about rape?” followed by, “Hang on a minute, I wanna hear this.” dialogue the country can experience in politics, and not just in the HBO show “Girls”.

I mean, are you fucking kidding me? What kind of a backwards fuck tries to classify rape? “Legitimate”? “Forcible”? “More forcible?” Do us a favor you pieces of garbage, if you’re going to “brand” rapes, at least have the common decency, to experience them. ‘Cause then I can respect you a lot more. I can handle a few rape victims weighing in on whether or not someone else’s rape was “legit”, shit that’s basically a “Rape American Idol” and as long as there’s no Seacrest involved- let’s give it a try!

And by the way, chill on the abortion thing. I don’t care how into G-d you think you are, not every fetus has to make an appearance. Population by rape is not in God’s business plan, okay? She doesn’t work like that. God’s not exactly death-adverse either. I seem to remember people were being assholes back in the day- God sent an entire flood to not only drown them out, but apparently all the animals- save maybe two of each- as well. What, cows and oxen were being dicks back then? No, I think God is okay with death of people innocent or not and I doubt She has any plans to reward a rapist with a potential, however far down the road, “World’s Best Dad” coffee mug.

Also- make up your mind- does the female body have a way of shutting down pregnancy during “legitimate” rape like Todd Akin says? Or, is a child born of rape God’s way, like Richard Mourdock says? It’s either shut down or not rape- get your non-facts right!

And finally, when you make a shitty, hateful comment about rape on camera- don’t turn around, you incredible pussy, and claim your words were twisted. We have video of you saying the shitty thing you said!

5) Donald Trump

Admittedly, Donald Trump had a lot of work to do if in 2012 he was going to equal or surpass the amazing level of assholery he showed 2011, where he was coming off what even for him, looked like career year.

So how’d he do? Well, he put up some respectable numbers for sure. A very solid follow-up, and he did by sticking with what works.

Ridiculously shitty hair? Check.

Public Feuds With Random Celebrities? Check. This year, the list of names Trump went after on Twitter reads like a Celebrity Apprentice dream cast- Star Jones, Cher, Rosie, Mark Cuban, Brian Williams and, for good measure, everyone victimized by Hurricane Sandy- which pissed off Beyonce's sister.

Being a birther? Check, hell- he raised his game to asking for Obama’s college records!

Making huge claims that turn out to be shit? Huge check! In October, Trump lit the world on fire, TRUMPeting, if you will, a huge announcement that was going to shake up the Presidential race. Assholes the country over speculated on what it could be? Some assholes wondered if Trump had Obama’s “actual” birth certificate. Other assholes felt Trump may have had divorce papers once drafted up by the Obamas, still other assholes had no clue what Trump had up his sleeve but could hardly wait to find out.

The announcement turned out to be that Trump would donate 5 million dollars to some charity if President Obama would release he college transcripts. So, yeah. Shit.

In between Trump did his best to lash out at anyone who had something bad to say about him- (ED NOTE: PLEASE LASH OUT AT ME!) and still had time to go “Old School-Trump” by attempting to kick someone out of their home, so he can build something shitty where it currently stands.

He also threw some new wrinkles into his act- he made videos in his office! Which lead many in our country to ask- if this dude is a billionaire, why can’t he afford something that is more than a Flip-Cam to do his announcements? Dude, rent a lighting kit- your time standing in direct, overhead lighting is over!

But was all this enough to separate his performance last year with his performance this year? Trump needed something big to seal the deal. Oh, how bout an enormous meltdown on Election Night, where he’d call for a revolution multiple times?


4) These Tweeters!

First off, UN-FUCKING-FOLLOW. Hash-fucking-tag, worst people on the earth.

What a profoundly disturbing reminder of what sacks of shit humans can be. I mean, Jeezus. Who raised you, ‘cause, UNFOLLOW them too! Where do I start? Ah…okay, twitter, is public. Bad enough you think these things, you’re tweeting them as well? And who’s racist but only at 140 character implements? Racism is supposed to be delivered in rants! And while we’re at it, can we put a limit now on social media? Not everyone needs to be heard.

3) Mitt Romney

What an incredibly shitty candidate for President. Where do you even start with this guy?

What a perfect ending to the Republican douchebag parade that was the 2012 Presidential election.

Mitt Romney came out of what I would call an unprecedented- a least in my lifetime- array of backwards-ass dick-buckets who’s mere attempt to run for the highest office in the land is a deep, deep insult to the intelligence of even the stupidest motherfuckers among us.

Think back to the early stages of this horrendous experiment in democracy. Picture in your mind, the candidates lined up on a stage- each one, more heinous than the next. Now, if the office that was being sought was “World’s Hugest Douche-Tard” then, yes, it would have been a very competitive field and you would have had a very difficult time deciding on who to vote for. But it wasn’t- it was President of the United States. I mean, for Christsakes, Newt Gingrich was seriously considered for a while. Herman Cain was, for a few months, in the lead. Michele Bachmann won a straw poll! Rick Santorum, the absolute worst candidate for anything, ever- a guy who wanted to control how you fucked, who said JFK’s famous speech on religion made him want to throw up- a guy who WORE FUCKING SWEATER VESTS was the 2nd to last guy out!

Remarkable. And when the dust all settled, Romney was the only one remaining. Keep in mind, President Obama was vulnerable. The economy was (and still is) in the shitter, and the President couldn’t seem to understand that the Republican Congress were not going to work with him on ANYTHING. For as cynical and repugnant as the republican strategy of hurting the country so that the President was not re-elected was, it was working- the country was sucking, hardcore. Someone with an iota of personality, and had a clear message of how to improve things could have eeked out a win.

Instead, Mitt Romney, who clearly was running along side a collection of cretins, (Rick Perry had a vacation home named after the “N” word, for Christsakes!) chose a different approach. He tried to position himself as a “extreme” conservative- even though he wasn’t. Now, the conventional wisdom is that he had to do this in order to secure the Republican nomination, but let’s take a closer look at that...

For a brief moment in the election, right around the time Obama slept-walked through the first debate, Romney had an opening. The general electorate- collectively paused for a moment- the precise moment when Romney looked his most Presidential. Now, how did Romney “seem” Presidential? Well, during that first debate, even though 90 percent of the things he was saying were lies and reverse positions to what he had previously said, he “seemed” Presidential, because he seemed reasonable in his approach to our problems. He was basically being the moderate he truly is. So, as a moderate, Romney moved the needle against Obama.

Extrapolate that over the course of a campaign, and you could say that if Romney was this pragmatic “moderate”, who he is in reality anyway, people would have possibly responded to him in a more positive manner. So here’s the kicker on why Romney is a douche: he looked around at the beginning of his campaign- saw the Santorums, the Bachmanns, the Cains, the Perrys and the Gingrichs- all of whom besides being incredible scumbags, did not have the infrastructure in place to make a serious run at the White House, and NONE of whom had even a snowball’s chance in hell of getting elected by the people if they did.

So, instead of being who he was- and defeating each of the clowns he was up against on substance- stuff the rest of the country who don’t cheer executions or boo gay soldiers needed to hear about- he chose to play like a visiting player and change himself.

The guy did not believe in himself enough to debate Rick Perry. He didn’t have the balls to speak truth to Bachmann, the guts to defend his record against a troglodyte like Santorum and chose to be someone different instead of battling it out against clearly inferior competition to win the conversation.

Now, if he were going up against some people who had brains in their heads, MAYBE I can understand his choice- MAYBE, but against these amateurs? Indefensible.

His campaign was so void of substance, the only rallying call he was able to produce with any kind of resonance was based on a distortion of something President Obama said. So, if you were an enthusiastic Romney supporter who wanted to chant “You Didn’t Build It” you either knew deep down in your gut you were wrong, or thought millionaires literally built and paid for our nation’s highways.

Then Romney, who by the way, gaffed with the strength of 10 Bidens, like he was the product of a drunken one night stand between John Kerry and the Dukakis tank- ran a mystifying campaign of missteps culminating in spectacular footage of him saying that 47 percent of the electorate were lazy and living off the government. Now, most people were disgusted, but maybe not- I mean normally, this dude is all about the 1 percent, now he’s talking “47 percent”, I’m gonna go ahead and consider that an improvement.

2) Innocence Of Muslims, All Around

Seldom does something happen where everyone involved in it, in every aspect of it’s existence, are as complicit in the suck as those involved in the “film”, and I use that term loosely, “Innocence of Muslims”.

To find such synergy in horrendous human performance on as many levels as are occurring here is truly rare in the collective. Don’t get me wrong- people can be horrible, but for them to be so horrible, in concert like this, is extraordinary.

Gun to my head, MAYBE the Port Authority Bus Terminal bathroom in New York can compare. Like “Innocence of Muslims”, it has a perfect storm of incompetence and indifference, where people’s individual horribleness contributes- without their knowledge or consent- to a greater, more encompassing, palatable horribleness that is the Port Authority bathroom experience.

However, there is a balance to the Port Authority bathroom that is not present in “Innocence of Muslims”, that is to say, the PABT bathroom- a vortex of filth and malaise, who’s dreadful existence provides for mankind one of life’s rare instances of absolute certainty- the indisputable fact that everyone involved in it- from those who maintain it, to those who use it, to those who live there- can do a better job- (you’ll never read a truer statement) exists in our world without causing death.

It is a solitary, self-sustaining entity of suck that- I don’t know- is perhaps balanced out by something else beautiful- a hidden beach somewhere where beautiful women bathe nude as butterflies and dolphins frolic nearby? I do not know, but the universe, however fragile it is, can seem to shoulder it. Sadly, the same could not be said however for Innocence of Muslims.

Put aside for a second the hateful and corrupt idea that gave birth to this unneeded video. The filmmaker here is not the first person to spread a message of intolerance and hate via a movie. What makes him unique is that usually, especially for a piece with impact, the hate-monger presents their idea with scope and vision. DW Griffith, Leni Reisenthel, the guys who make those “Scary Movie” movies- they know craft- after all, isn’t it inherent to propaganda that your narrative be compelling?

Apparently not. Innocence of Muslims is so crappy, apparently it has lowered the standard for presenting lies. But let’s be honest, that wouldn’t have happened if so many others didn’t also bring their D game to the party. Like with the Port Authority bathroom, everyone here could have also done a better job.

The lighting, set design, make-up, casting, acting, direction, post-production, editing, sound, color-correction, and sound editing were all so bad I had to watch this thing three times to before I knew for sure it was a hate crime against Islam, and not filmmaking.

If you worked on this thing- as apparently 80 people did- 80 people who released a statement to CNN expressing remorse and regret for taking part on a project they were mislead on-you should hang your head in shame, but also, you should hang your head in shame. Great, so you all signed a letter expressing remorse- must have been very moving to see 80 “Alan Smithee” signatures! You did a terrible job- this thing had a chance of setting off the fundamentalist Muslims on production values alone! What I’m saying is, you can go to a Home Depot in LA this afternoon and find guys there waiting for work who can light a green screen better than the people in this film did.

Jesus. Now, a lot was made of the actors used in this film’s claim that they were hired for an entirely different film that ultimately was re-dubbed to be the offensive “Innocence of Muslims”. Fine, but Jesus, what the hell were you thinking for the gig that you THOUGHT you had? I’d rather see a hair in my food than whatever the hell you thought you were making.

Again, it was widely reported that the film that would become known as “Innocence of Muslims”, was actually a film called “Dessert Warrior”, and then later reedited and re-dubbed. So congratulations, director- you made TWO shitty films.

Fundamentalist Muslims
Let me try and relate to you guys. I love Derek Jeter- but if one day I saw a movie about him and they chose to cast him with, I don’t know, Mark Linn-Baker, I’d be a little bit put-off, but I would not go out and kill people! Y’all need to chill. Big. Freakin’. Time.

Usually when a piece of crap like this comes out it gets a bad rating on Tomatoes and then it goes away. There doesn’t need to be a body count.

So...who is it that is a bigger bag of shit than the previous 9 people?

Is it wannabe-cop/tough guy George Zimmerman, who, despite the repeated urgings of a 9-11 operator NOT to follow Trayvon Martin, did so anyway, then subsequently shot him after getting his ass kicked?

Is it any of the number of mass shooters who this year grabbed their guns and indiscriminately shot up a bunch of innocent people?

Is it Ke$ha, a contender in any year?


1) Wayne LaPierre

As the year came to a close, the horrendous Sandy Hook shooting occurred. This event is not something covered in this blog. This blog “celebrates” (read: shits on) the choices we make to be failures, and the Sandy Hook shooting was no one’s, outside of its perpetrator’s, choice. That being said, it produced the worst thing ever, this list. There is nothing worse than this list, with it’s names and ages set next to each other in a simple layout- a horrendous reminder as to how fucked up we are that should haunt every one of us, forever. A new low for humankind that will be hard to eclipse for sure.

Then, this asshole goes out and gives what could be considered the worst press conference of all time, and that is counting Budd Dwyer. Inexcusably tone deaf, LaPierre, the CEO of the NRA, which by the way is an organization that is funded by gun manufacturers, whose chief purpose is making it easier for those gun manufacturers to make and sell more and more guns, demands schools be staffed by armed guards and that video games and films from the mid 90’s are to blame for this tragedy. He goes on to call for ex-cops, and ex-military personnel to be stationed at schools, armed. All answers to a problem by the way that benefit gun company’s bottom line. The media whips up talk of teachers even being armed- let me tell you something, G-d love my fourth grade teacher Ms. Katz, but she could barely organize a game of kickball- do I want her wearing a Glock? The answer is no.

Additionally, Lapierre and the NRA then follow up by releasing a video calling out the President for having his kids protected by the Secret Service, a message that thankfully is rejected by everyone, except sadly the spineless douchebags in our government who despite a call from all decent people pro-gun or otherwise, still don’t address the issue of gun violence in any meaningful way.

What a disgraceful lack of leadership.

So, congratulations, Wayne LaPierre, in a country full of scumbags, you are the biggest one. Roll “One Moment In Time” Scumbag tribute video…

Wayne LaPierre, CEO, NRA” fades into “Tucker Carlson”, talking head, “Rush Limbaugh”, radio host and living proof that gout is not fatal, the “Tanning Mom”,“Eric Cantor”, “John Boehner”, “Justice Anton Scalia”, “Mike Huckabee”, “the Replacement Refs & the NFL Commish”, elected officials eating pink slime straight, Lindsay Lohan, Karen Handel former Senior Vice President of policy for the Susan Komen Foundation, Jamie Dimon, Chris Brown, A-Rod, Victoria Jackson, Amanda Bynes,Ryan Lochte, Guy Fieri, and Karl Rove.

Well there you have it- once again, this is not to say if you are not on this list you are not part of the problem. And if you’re instagramming a picture of food, you’re definitely part of the problem.

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