Thursday, December 27, 2012

What Sucks…Vultures: A What Sucks Classic

Behold, the bird’s entry into the “World’s Shittiest Animal Sweepstakes”- the vulture.

Vultures look like this, eat rotting flesh and defend themselves by projectile vomiting at their enemies. Throw in the fact that that they can fly, can grow to have wing spans of close to 6 feet, and grunt and hiss like giant snakes when they feel threatened, and you have an animal fashioned from the nightmares of Edgar Allen Poe, as directed by Tim Burton, in a very bad mood.

Toss in the popular notion that you only see these things when you’re alone, near death, somehow stuck walking alone through a dessert, and we’re pretty much talking about the opposite of a butterfly here.

Consider these vulture fun facts: (Spoiler alert- they are not fun).

- a vulture can eat a diseased corpse of an animal, and through its digestive system, the disease will be rendered neutral, that is to say, the vulture’s poop will be clean. Which is nice.

- the vomit of a vulture has more acidic content than acid rain, and if its incredible stench doesn’t scare away its predator, the vomit contacting the skin will actually burn it.

- vultures urinate on themselves as a method of cooling their skin and destroying bacteria that may have gotten on them while feeding on a dying, diseased animal. Sure, they could be more careful about eating, but then they wouldn't have the need to pee on themselves.

- a vulture will often begin eating an animal corpse at its anus or at its eyes. Why? Because in most cases, that is where the dead animal is most vulnerable. So, ah, take that, other animals who think they’re creepy- I’m talking to YOU- eels, tapeworms and ticks.

- vultures can smell a dead mouse under leaves at 200 feet in the sky. To put that in perspective, consider that if milk smells bad, you know immediately to not put it in your coffee- the vulture would be all like “ah, no, it’s the other way around.”

So, nice job on the vulture, God, seriously give yourself a pat on the back.
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Wednesday, December 26, 2012

What Sucks…The Octomom, The Octomom Going To The Porn Awards!

It’s true, Nadya Suleman will be attending the AVN’s (Adult Video News Awards) where she’s actually nominated for a few and the odds on favorite to win “Most Needed Pixalation”.
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What Sucks Presents…Not Helping!

…People Telling Joe The Plumber to Run For Congress!

Hey, a-holes, America is not “The Producers”, producing it in the worst way possible will not lead to a financial windfall!

…Netflix President’s Apologies

Dude, what the hell happened to your company? Three weeks ago, if anyone was going to apologize, it was going to be me for keeping Season 2 Disk 4 of Mad Men (…it’s not a wheel…it’s a carousel) on my desk unopened since October, 2010. Now I get an apology every other day from you, I suggest you rent The Godfather from yourself and watch this scene repeatedly.

…Hank Williams, Jr.’s New Song About Fox & Friends and ESPN

Dude, ESPN shit-canning you and Fox & Friends throwing you under the bus is not your First Amendment rights being denied, it’s just people using their right to free speech to take a dump on you. The song you should be singing is…


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Friday, December 21, 2012

What Sucks Presents…Christmas Greetings To Small, Very Specific Groups That Do Exist!

Sure it’s easy to say Merry Christmas to your best buds, beloved wife or sexy hot mistress- anyone can do that, but what about those smaller, seemingly forgotten groups of people who also deserve some holiday cheer? WhatSucksBlog, back in beta form by the way, is here for them!

Merry Christmas to…

…guys who’ve faked injuries to get out of fights with their wives!


…people who actually DON’T get @RobDelaney

…those who go under an assumed name!

…the people staying together because of their kids!

And Happy New Year too!

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Thursday, December 20, 2012

What Sucks Presents…Christmas A-holes: The Heat Miser

I hope this Christmas finds you healthy and happy, trying desperately to forget what a debacle 2012 was by pounding eggnog at an alarming rate at your office Christmas party. I say, go for it- let loose and have a good time! It’s Christmas- time for holiday cheer! Go on and try and trick the office intern into having a few, and then going to get an “ass-xerox” with you, bonus points if she’s a girl! Face it, there have been MUCH worse Christmases in the past- like the one year they almost didn’t HAVE a Christmas, because of this a-hole…

The Great A-holes of Christmas: Volume 3: The Heat Miser

I’ll set the stage for you. Santa has a cold and is in a super-bitchy mood. People around the globe, according to him, seem to no longer give a shit about Christmas and he is seriously considering telling them all to go fuck themselves by taking a year off.

Obviously, this causes a shit-storm and two elves, one named Jingle, one named Jangle, decide to take it upon themselves to save the day. What do these two well-meaning but clearly on-the-spectrum elves do? They hijack a reindeer and decide to go out and find people who care about the holiday to placate their boss’ fragile ego.

Problems occur almost immediately as the first place they head to is the south. Upon arrival they are given bullshit summonses by some backwards-ass southern cop for a number of made up laws, and worse, because the south just cannot handle anyone who is in any way different, their reindeer is arrested. Subsequent to this, they get a face to face meeting with the town’s corrupt, hick mayor, who tells them as if it’s a deleted scene from “In The Heat of The Night”, that they are shit out of luck unless they can get it to snow. SNOW! As if Santa Claus, who has been around for centuries before these elves ever walked into “Southtown”, you racist mayor, has EVER been able to, or claimed to be able to control the weather.

So, clearly the shit is way beyond elf shoe level here. Before too long Mrs. Claus gets involved, Santa gets his ass out of bed and into civvies and everyone’s day is fucking ruined. Finally, the two elves in an effort to save Christmas for EVERYONE and get it to snow in “Southtown” go to visit the a-hole you see above. You see, he, The Heat Miser, who is a loud-mouth/ man-child with a hair-trigger temper controls the weather in the south, his bro, controls the weather in the north. Without having you watch the whole fucking special, suffice to say the Snow Miser is ready to play ball. But the A-hole Heat Miser, who is surrounded in his volcano-home by minions who look just like him, can’t jump on board and save Christmas with getting something out of it himself. HE IS A BIG FUCKING BABY! Some bullshit about his Santa lending credibility to his brother Snow Miser, some bullshit, made-up grudge he’s had for years and now he’s gonna cash in.

He demands to control the North Pole. This demand throws a wrench into the whole fucking deal and once again, jeopardizes Christmas. Excuse, kids are crying and the world is in an uproar. This douche wants full control of the North Pole, to make it hot- cataclysmal results of melting the polar caps be damned.

And as if these retarded elves have not been through enough already, (Santa knows immediately he’s gonna have to fix things the second he hears they are involved, I swear in the original script he must have said... “Those assholes? Momma (what he called his wife) you probably sent them out on purpose you passive aggressive C-word!”) they then have to have a face to face with Mother Nature who nips all of this nonsense in the bud, allows the snow in RacistSouthtown, and Christmas is saved.

Just for the record it should also be noted that once his “mommy” finds out what’s going on, Heat Miser folds like a house of cards and cries like a bitch. Maintaining no one likes him he huffs and puffs like a little girl before doing what his mommy tells him to do. Hey asshole, as a spokesman for humankind I can tell you I LOVE the hot weather- people go to VACATION in the hot weather, no one likes you because you are an a-hole.

By the way, as pointed out numerously around the internet, the real a-hole of this whole special is actually Santa Claus, who is too passive aggressive to come out and say he wants a year off and has to pull this bullshit where he claims that the world doesn’t believe in him anymore, even when news of him taking a year off, makes headlines around the world. Hey ass, major newspapers are factually reporting on you taking a year off, clearly they believe you exist!

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Wednesday, December 19, 2012

What Sucks…Chimney Sweeps!

Hey jag-offs, you work in a chimney, why the hell are you coming to work in a tuxedo?! At least lose the top hat! What are you spending on dry cleaning per month? 14 grand?!
“Hmmm…yes sir, one over coat and hat - that will be 12 grand…”
Break out the sweats!
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Tuesday, December 18, 2012

What Sucks…Quick Hits Joke Dump: Klhoe Kardashian, Demi Moore, The Two Dudes Who Sued The Bachelor, Kanye

…Khloe Kardashain

Congrats on a full season of hosting The X Factor, looks like all those years of hosting two X chromosomes paid off!

…Demi Moore

Breaking up with her boyfriend already?! Well, on the plus side that does clear the way her to date the eTrade baby.

…The Judge In The Case Where Two Dudes Sued The Bachelor

Look, I get it that you ruled against them, but did you have to announce your verdict by dramatically handing a rose to the lawyers for ABC?!

…Lawyers Deposing Kayne In Kim K’s & Kris Humphries Divorce

Brilliant move, counselors! I wonder how many times you had to stop the witness mid-sentence by saying, “Yes, thank you Mr. West, but we were not asking how hot Kim’s tape with Ray J got you…” By the way, how bout a “spoiler alert” for how next season’s “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” ends after Kanye gets married to Kim and then divorced the next day!
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Monday, December 17, 2012

What Sucks Presents…Christmas A-holes: The Grinch (A What Sucks Classic)

Sure Christmas is the time to celebrate good will for all men and to wish for “peace on earth” and all that shit, but you also have to admit, as a time of year it can really bring the dicks out of the woodwork.

The Great A-holes of Christmas: Volume 1: The Grinch!

History has been kind of, well, kind to the Grinch. Ask yourself, what do you remember most about him? That his heart grew 3 times that day? That he carved the “roast beast”? That once upon a time he learned a valuable lesson about Christmas?

How about that he concocted and executed with disturbing aplomb a plan- which can only be described as insidious- to rob an entire community of a beloved holiday?

Kind of gets lost in the shuffle, doesn’t it? Why, because he decided in the end to “bring stuff back”? Just for the record, let’s review what this animal did-
- A conservative estimate of about 12-15 instances of “breaking and entering”. Which in Whoville or not, is a felony.
- I’ll low-ball estimate the monetary value of the stuff he took- let’s put it in the range of 50 thousand dollars- grand larceny by any measure, a felony.
- I’ll throw in “endangering the welfare of a child”, a felony.
- Numerous instances of cruelty to animals, a felony.

Right there we are looking at a criminal the likes of which we seldom see. And why? Because his shoes were too tight? Because his heart was too small? Because he couldn’t take noise?

I’m sorry, this guy is a dick. I remind you he stole ice cubes out of someone’s freezer, the pedals off a poinsettia AND a crumb from a mouse. He stole ice cubes from someone’s ice tray! Look at the film!

Not only that, multiple times he endangered his dog by either forcing him to act as an accomplice to precariously parking his sleigh on the peak of a mountain, with Max still tied to it.

The dude should be in the Whoville county jail.

The Grinch- a serious Christmas A-hole.

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Friday, December 14, 2012

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Demi Moore, Stop & Frisk, The Dudes Who Sued The Bachelor, World’s Greatest Dad!

…Demi Moore!

Things are heating up between Demi Moore and new boyfriend 26 year old Vito Schnabel. And by “heating up”, I mean Schnabel recently brought her a blanket because she was “feeling a draft!”

…Stop & Frisk

New York’s controversial Stop and Frisk program is headed to court where a judge will rule on its legality. Cops say they’re ready to defend it and will go all the way to the Supreme Court to stop and frisk Sonia Sotomayor if they have to!

…The Two Dudes Who Sued The Bachelor

A federal judge dismissed a discrimination case filed by 2 black men against “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette”. Not all is lost however as black men were able to retain the rights to Kim Kardashian.

…Concept of “World’s Greatest Dad!”

So the World’s Greatest Dad gets a coffee mug, or a T-Shirt, and the world’s Worst Dad gets strippers, mistresses and booze! This has to be completely re-thought! Do. The. Math.*

*Denotes: I have been allowed to use the phrase “Do The Math” 5 times in the history of this blog without having to be punched in the nuts by one lucky reader. This is the second use of such phrase. I have three left.
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What Sucks…Boots & Cops

This is beautiful! So nice to see New York City cops finally getting along with Occupy Wall Street
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Thursday, December 13, 2012

What Sucks Salutes …Women With Bad Taste In Men

…Dottie Sandusky (AKA Mrs. Jerry Sandusky)

Ooof. Pretty shitty husband picker. I bet deep down, she’s wishing she went with whoever her second choice was. Ironically, I think the same can be said for Jerry, although his second choice was an 11 year-old boy.

…Huma Abedin

When dipshit/ jag-off Michelle Bachmann accused Humma Abedin of being a pawn of the Muslim Brotherhood™ people from all over sprang to her defense and decried Bachmann for being a "major douche" (emphasis mine). However if Bachmann started slowly with her discrediting of the (completely vetted by the US Government) high level Hillary Clinton aide, with something that was undeniable, like let’s say she perhaps was not screened thoroughly enough by the “good husband picker society” Bachmann would have had a case.

…Everyone Who Was Ever On "Teen Mom"

Enough said.

…Hyon Song-wol (Kim Jong-Un’s Girlfriend)

Not so much that she has bad taste in men, as it may be the State Sponsored Kim Jong-Un Girlfriend Search Committee does. Sure, her family will now be able to eat and perhaps have a TV, but at what cost?!
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Wednesday, December 12, 2012

What Sucks…Hurricane Sandy, Big Time.

Tonight is the 12.12.12. Concert For Sandy Relief. It will be televised live from New York City’s Madison Square Garden. The list of talent performing is completely insane- Bruce, The Who, Paul McCartney, The Rolling Freakin Stones, Eric Clapton, Eddie Vedder, aw Jesus- just look at the image above! Oh yeah and I was lucky enough to write for it. #NotSoHumbleBrag.

It’ll be on just about every cable channel tonight starting at about 7PM EST. Please watch and donate to those who in need of help.

Here’s the link to the website.
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Tuesday, December 11, 2012

What Sucks…Hef & His Bride to Be! (Crystal Harris!)

The on again, off again romance is back on again! Hef, now 86, and Crystal now 26 and clearly with her back against the wall will tie the knot in January. The couple will promise to “have and to hold, till…probably some time in March, right?” If anyone here has any objection as to why these two should not be married, to please speak up so the groom can hear you!

Come on, join in, in the comment section- no racism!
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What Sucks…Nestor The Long-Eared Christmas Donkey: A What Sucks Classic!

BLOG NOTE: So what if I’ve been watching a lot of “ABC Family’s 25 Days of Christmas” specials, I’m a new dad to a 13 month-old and still trying to figure out how to use the TV as a babysitter- get off my back! Anyway…

Rankin-Bass are the people who made some of the greatest and most classic Christmas holiday specials the world has ever seen. Among them are the aforementioned “The Year Without A Santa Claus”, “Santa Claus is Coming To Town” (featuring next year’s probable A-hole of Christmas “The Burgermeister”) and of course the granddaddy of them all, “Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer”. To give you an idea of how good “Rudolph” is by the way, “Isle of Misfit Toys” is their “C” storyline. C!!! You have the Rudy story (Reindeer as Christ figure), the Elf who wanted to be a DDS and then, oh yeah, there’s this phenomenal “Isle of Misfit Toys” that we’ll just throw in there with a George-In-The-Box or whatever his name is. A place forgotten by Santa where defective toys have to go. It’s the “Revolver” of Christmas specials where George basically had to fight to get Taxman in, where in any other group where the level of artistry wasn’t as high, they would have called the album “Taxman”.

Anyway, after creating Rudolph in 1964, then moving on to other spectacular triumphs such as “The Little Drummer Boy”, “Santa Claus…Town”, “Year Without..” and “The First Christmas”, someone in the company apparently developed a coke problem and lost all their money as they then did “Nestor The Long-Eared Donkey”.

Hmm, a story about an animal, who has a physical deformity which is ridiculed, leading him to be ostracized before he comes back to use that very deformity to save the day? Sound familiar? Something stinks here and I think it’s this blatant rip off of Rudolph. How high were you guys? “It’s like, ‘what if Dumbo was a mule, and somehow saved Jesus- hey give me some more of that sweet cocaine!’”

On top of all that, the story features (SPOILER ALERT) the incredibly sad death of Nestor’s mom, who follows Nestor out into the storm, covers his body with hers to warm him, and then freezes to death, so he basically wakes up with her corpse on top him. Also, there are weird cameos from Jingle and Jangle and Mrs. Claus of “The Year Without…” fame- what’s the matter, couldn’t shoe-horn Yukon Cornelius in?

Finally, the whole thing as again, mentioned time and time again on the net, is total bullshit. I checked the Bible, and believe me, there is some wild crap in there- virgin birth, angels trumpeting Jesus arrival, giving birth in a manger- even those dudes don’t try and bring in a Donkey with long ears protecting a baby!

Let this be a lessen to all- don’t judge on appearances, and don’t ruin the good work of a production company by developing a huge coke problem!
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Monday, December 10, 2012

What Sucks…Rise Of The Guardians

Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, Jack Frost and the Tooth Fairy as an Avengers-type superhero team? This is without a doubt for me the SECOND least-looked-forward-to movie of the year. (The first is whatever that perv mom from the Samsung-Galaxy commercial put on her husband’s phone.)

Hey Hollywood- stop trying to make Jack Frost happen! He's horrifying!

Pay someone to make original characters! Even my three year old knows this is a cynical attempt to co-opt well known public domain characters you didn’t have to pay rights for and throw them in a movie so you can wring every last bit of Christmas cash out of parents who’d see anything not to have to spend time with their kids! (Or so I’ve heard!)

Friday, December 07, 2012

What Sucks…Quick Hits: The Kennedy Center Honors, Man Who Dressed Up As Madea To Rob A Bank, The English Language, Brussels Sprouts

…The Kennedy Center Honors

Nice job giving an award to Led Zep! It’s about time someone was honored with a Mark Twain prize, who “F-ed” a girl with a fish!

…Dude Who Dressed Up As Madea to Rob A Bank

It’s not so much that I am disappointed by the fact that a man dressed up as Madea to rob a bank, it’s how he somehow got Cicely Tyson, Alfre Woodard and Janet Jackson to act as accomplices! How tough is it out there to find roles for African American females!

…The English Language!

There’s a word that means to tear something down. It’s called “Raze”. There’s a word that means to “bring up” or “erect”, guess what’s it’s called? “RAISE”! Good luck immigrants!

…Brussels Sprouts
Love ‘em, I think it’s great when a food can come “pre-farted”.

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Wednesday, December 05, 2012

What Sucks…Lindsay Lohan

Arrested again?!

How much longer can this go on?! And how many more times will her irresponsible behavior land her on in newspaper headlines and magazine covers?! Let’s be very clear to any of the young people reading- Lindsay Lohan is NOT a role model*!

(*denotes: unless you’re considering suicide by cop.)
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Tuesday, December 04, 2012

Monday, December 03, 2012

What Sucks…Chris Brown

SO SWEET! OMG, over the weekend, Chris Brown instagrammed this sexy photo of him and Rihanna hanging out…

OR…this photo of him looking for Rihanna who is cleverly hiding under a camouflage blanket!

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