Wow, a new year already? 2011, we hardly knew you. Wait, I’m sorry, we did know you and you sucked. My bad.
2011 was a weird year for the suck. Don’t get me wrong, it blew- big time- but it just seemed like it blew on a different scale than other years. Whereas 2008, 2009 and 2010 were like giant Michael Bay-esque blockbusters of suck, 2011 was more like an Indy film. It was like the shitty economy even affected the way things suck and the universe had to pull James Cameron off the “Untitled 2011 Sucks Project” and replace him with Aronofsky, or Cronenberg. The quality and weight was still there, but suck seemed to have trouble getting financing, so everyone had to work for scale. So, instead of winning the Super Bowl, Tim Tebow only won a playoff game. No Michael Jackson or Heath Ledger type figure died, so the star of our most mediocre sitcom left his gig, came up with a few catch phrases, and did a one-man show. And the biggest action star in film history- who married into the Kennedys and ended up becoming the Governor of California, had a love child (!) he kept secret for 14 years (!) with…the maid, who looks like this. (?)
Even the final chapter in the Michael Jackson story seemed like the whole suck-production ran out of money. Convicting Conrad Murray is more like the lower third/ subtitle type thing that comes up on a film right before the credits, than the final scene of the movie. I mean yeah, he’s a shitty doctor who allowed Michael Jackson to use anesthesia as a sleep-aid, but really the way that whole thing should have ended was with a Jacko-Resurrection, not some half-baked manslaughter thing initiated by LaToya.
Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t like suck took a break- it didn’t- for Christsakes Nancy Grace was on Dancing With The Stars! What the holy fuck was that all about? That’s okay now?! You can put someone who can’t dance, and who isn’t a star, on a show called “Dancing With The Stars”? I mean, it’s a booking coup for “Dancing With The Horrible People”, but how does a conference room filled with experienced producers and successful network execs break going forward with that? That must have been a fucked up, long meeting-
PRODUCER: Hey everyone, thanks for coming in so early. Hey, before we get started anyone see that horrible, evil crow-woman Nancy Grace foaming at the mouth last night on this Casey Anthony thing? She is horrendous!
MONTAGE OF CLOCKS HANDS MOVING AROUND CLOCK
PRODUCER: No one will know who Olivia Newton-John and Jennifer Beals from Flashdance is! Who was pitching Nancy Grace before- not THAT’S an idea!
And isn’t it time we did something with the name of that show? I’m not even saying change it right away- ease into it- at least add an asterisk.
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And yes, here and there suck did splurge as if it had the backing of a huge suck-studio. Japan was hit by a Tsunami that destabilized their nuclear reactors! In a horrific scene, a mentally ill man went on a shooting spree in a Safeway parking lot in Arizona, killing 6 individuals, including a 9 year-old girl and seriously wounding a Congresswoman. And kids, peacefully protesting the vast inequality between the rich and the poor, were taught a lesson by some scumbag campus police, backed by a equally douchey, college chancellor (Linda Katehi) about the vast inequality between being soaked with pepper spray, and not.
But in general suck was relegated to a more complex, “annoyance” status.
Kim Kardashian got married and made 17 million dollars from it, then got divorced 72 days later and everyone acted like they were offended. Folks, everything Kim Kardashian does is faked so she can make money off of it- wake up- the sex tape, TV show, marriage, sister Khloe in actually being a brother named Karl- it’s all staged!
It wasn’t a good year for marriage in general. Even the all-time classic “fairy-tale” marriage, the Royal Wedding, devolved quickly into the world stopping what it was doing to check out Harry’s new sister-in-law’s ass.
In between, Rebecca Black put out music that was so bad people actually made death threats to her, which in this time of heightened awareness of bullying was
reasonable considering the song
“Jack and Jill” came out and while it looked like it could have been the worse movie ever, there is one thing you have to admit- it did not feature a vampire birth, so hate all you want but at least those guys knew where to draw the line.
And for a while every billboard that wasn’t telling you the world would be over this weekend, featured Whitney Cummings saying something vaguely cunty. People planked, Tebowed and continued to gain weight (that’s meme, right?)
I guess it wasn’t all bad by the way- The Giants won the Super Bowl, Osama Bin Laden finally saw his last thing and it was a Seal Team 6 member putting a bullet through his douche-head, and the Republicans debuted this incredible new reality show, “Who Wants To Be The Worst Person On Earth?” Which is kind of like American Idol except, Americans don’t vote for the winner.
That said, the detestable ten…
10) Michele Bachman
For years, when the National Shit-For-Brains polls were released, both AP and BCI, Michelle Bachman would always find herself in the shadows of Sarah Palin. Seemed like it didn’t matter what she did, Palin was always ranked number one, and Bachman, somewhere down the list. Perennial runner-up status. Like some kind of bridesmaid to Palin’s bride, at a gay wedding officiated by Marcus Bachmann.
Well, the tide has turned. 2011 has brought America a new douchey-girlfriend and Sarah, clinging to her last gasps at relevance can only muster up a few shit-for brains stunts like going on some sort of motorcycle/ bus tour for like a day before packing it in. Palin’s last hurrah came when, after Gabby Giffords was shot, and people thought in retrospect that perhaps putting crosshairs over her district on her website was a little inappropriate. Did Palin apologize? No. Did she act kind of humbly and inspire people with talk of coming together in this difficult time? No. She spoke into someone’s flip cam and flung around the term “Blood libel”. A day later the Prez gave a great speech, and basically Sarah went away, hopefully forever relegated to “Where Are They Now, Douche-bag Edition” status.
Finally given her shot at the spotlight, Bachmann ran with it. Like a retarded Luke, learning at the hand of a retarded Obi Wan, Bachman buried Palin in 2011. She went on a rampage of saying horrible things about homosexuals, lying about health care and grossly mistaking historical events in a way that had to have made Palin’s head spin.
Running for President on the orders of G-d, she won the meaningless Iowa straw poll and commenced to stand out at the early Republican debates by saying crazy shit- no small feat at those debates by the way. Among her greatest hits? The HPV vaccine causes mental retardation and that gay people CAN in fact get married in this country, as long as it is to a person of the opposite sex. ED NOTE: I would now like to take this opportunity to invite you to cough in your hand and say, “like her marriage”.
Throw this into the mix of Bachmann saying she is fervently anti-government despite getting receiving subsidies to aid her dairy farm and buy a house, and you will see a douchebag at the top of her game, changing from fringe-lunatic to fully-formed-household-name psychopath. Congrats, you monster! You horrible, clueless idiot. Congrats!
9) Mariah Yeater
2011 was full of under-the-radar douchebags, many of whom you may not have heard of… (DRAMATIC STING) yet. There’s James O’Keefe, the horrible, Andrew Brietbart employed, video-shooter guy who deceptively edits his videos, leaving out facts and taking statements out of context, all in the effort to make things harder for poor people. His weird-ass sting operation to lure a CNN reporter to a yacht so he can frame her with a bunch of dildos should be the lead story of every newscast ever.
Then there’s Steeler running back Rashad Mendenhall, who, post Bin Laden getting shot in the face, tweeted this…
And you know, no matter what the year is, Curt Schilling is usually pretty hard to take.
But for real, under the radar a-holishness, don’t sleep on, or with, for that matter, Mariah Yeater. Who is she? Well, to some she could be viewed as a nervous, maybe even desperate, 20 year old mom. (More likely she’s an idiot, but indulge me.) Nervous, unmarried, her real baby-daddy in the slammer, and realizing there is no MTV show called “20, Stupid & Pregnant” (yet), perhaps she thought to herself- “I have to do something to support this baby. I have to trap someone into thinking they are the father so he can support my child...”
Sure, it’s a shitty plan, and morally wrong, but in a panic, I could maybe understand coming up with it, until…
THE DUDE SHE TRIES TO SET-UP IS JUSTIN BIEBER!
Yes, that Justin Bieber, the famous lesbian. Ugh. I hate when people who suck, can’t suck the right way. Bieber? What are you thinking?! You could have basically chosen ANYONE else. How bout an NBA player? How bout just about any other musician? You may have even gotten money from Steven Tyler, that guy has no idea who he’s F-ing. But Bieber? That’s just a terrible job. Shortly after the news hit, Yeater then went on TV and detailed how she supposedly got pregnant, saying after one of Bieber’s shows, she had sex with him for “30 seconds”. Hey dummy- little late to start building credibility! Of course some time after that a series of text messages came out which showed Yeater in the planning process of this incredibly stupid plan and a couple of others where she begs a friend to erase text messages where she admits who the actual dad is. For his part, Biebs submitted to a paternity test to prove he was not the baby’s father, you know, in case everyone on earth looses their eyesight and memory of who Justin Bieber is.
8) Chris Brown
Granted, Chris Brown has had douchier years. Like the year he took Rihanna to the Grammys, then later that night took her face to the Source Awards. This year the police report on that night came out and we learned that not only did Rihanna get the shit beat out of her, she also almost had her fingers bit off (!) when she was tried to fight back. Fingers! Chris Brown isn’t on the list this year for that though, although the fingers thing is insane. He’s here because of the INCREDIBLE indignation he shows every time someone brings up the concept that, yeah maybe he shouldn’t have beaten the living shit out of Rihanna and tried to bite her fingers off!
This year when it was brought up, Brown routinely tweeted, like a little bitch I might add, about how everyone needs to “get over it” whining incessantly, asking how many times he had to apologize, before throwing a chair through a window at Good Morning America after being asked about it on air by Robin Roberts. One of those “tough to break” windows in skyscrapers, by the way- like Bruce Willis in Die Hard had to SHOOT to get through- it was basically like throwing a chair through a windshield!
Making matters worse, Roberts then took serious heat for asking the question. Hey jag-offs, what are you mad at Robin Roberts for- she didn’t almost bite Rihanna’s fingers off! Roberts even received death-threat tweets, which is just disgraceful that we’re tweeting death threats now. Ooooooh- better make sure you get your death threat in under 140 characters! What, is being in something called “Team Breezy” not intimidating enough? UNFOLLOW!
By the way, memo to Chris Brown- hey jerk, these people are asking you about the incident to give you the chance to apologize SO THEY CAN CONTINUE TO BOOK YOU ON THEIR SHOWS!
Here’s how it works- a show puts you on. Before they do, no matter how good your song is, they have to weigh putting a woman-beating scumbag on their show. Most TV people have no soul but they do have a sense of self-preservation, so they say to themselves, “well, if he acts like he has remorse, we can probably get away with it.” So they let you perform, knowing their viewers will enjoy the song, but also that they might say, “Wait, isn’t this that animal who beat up Rihanna?”
Now, no matter how good your song is, in order to avoid a huge backlash, they need to bring up the incident because the audience is uncomfortable, because, hey, if I could beat the shit out of my significant other and make money on Good Morning America, what’s to stop me from doing it? This is where you apologize- again if you have to- so the person at home can at least say “Well, at least that scumbag is sorry.”
This isn’t about rubbing your face in it, it’s about giving the people at Good Morning America cover for booking you. Also, done correctly, makes it easier for other shows to book you as well. They’re asking for your own good, dickwad.
As for me, I don’t need an apology from you- having added up all your half-assed ones, I’m fine but please get on top of this for the new year. We now live in a world where every time you’re your name comes up, people have to give a “Only his music!” disclaimer for you and that is extremely irritating. All this being said, date
Gwyneth and all is forgiven!
7) Anthony Weiner
Here are a few things I need. A change to our health care system that would allow me to buy affordable insurance. A check on banks and the banking system so that when the shit inevitably hits the fan- and it will hit the fan, people, like myself, who do not work anywhere near the banking or finance industry, who don’t even own homes, do not have their economic world turned upside down and lose their jobs. I could also use a smart, sometimes funny, New York voice against the status quo. Here’s what I don’t need- the guy who speaks with the right intonation towards the evil health insurance companies and the politicians they own, to be sneaking away from his pregnant wife, tweeting cock-pics to whores all over the country. I do not need that.
Now, I could give a shit about Anthony Weiner’s personal life and behavior. He’s not a douche because he’s a perv, or a dick-pic tweeter. Well, I guess maybe he is, but to me, he’s even more of a douche because he’s a dude who, confronted with a picture of his own junk, can’t even deny or admit it’s his. He’s a douche because he goes down in an enormous, disgraceful scandal without technically touching another woman and somehow I’m finding it worse. He’s a douche because he gets totally and completely pwned by Andrew Breitbart as his own resignation press conference- I guess what I’m saying is, dude, next time, just screw another woman.
6) Kris Humphries
Oh my god, for the way he just TALKS to Kim he belongs on this list alone. It’s clear that he never had any intention of making a real go at marriage because HE JUST DIDN’T EVEN TRY! Kim deserves so much better than him and I know that if she just is herself it will happen for her, she will find the right guy BECAUSE SHE JUST HAS TO! It just has to happen, OKAY? IT JUST HAS TO HAPPEN!
Although Jennifer Petkov began her quest to be the worst person in the world in earnest in October, 2010, I’ll still list her in 2011. Two reasons: one, I forgot about her when I was doing 2010, and two, I’m a little amazed someone from such humble, unlikely origins could, if it were put to a vote, garner the kind of consideration Petkov could for “Worst Person on Earth”. What can I say, I like underdogs.
Petkov’s emergence on the scumbag scene is pretty remarkable when you consider we’re talking about someone who does not have vast amounts of wealth and an unlimited vehicle for broadcasting (Rush Limbaugh), or their own personal army that they can unleash on their own citizens, (President of Syria, Rush Limbaugh), or the ability to break the law without consequences (The Joker from Batman, Rush Limbaugh). Standing toe to toe with those heavyweight douchebags, relying only on her own white-trashiness and a little social networking, is a pretty impressive anti-accomplishment. Petkov is the woman who, because her kids were snubbed on a birthday party invite, took to 7 year-old Kathleen Edward’s Facebook page, as she was dying of Huntington’s Disease, and relentlessly trolled and cyber-bullied her. In a world of needless, petty and mean internet commentators, of which none are needed- seriously, no one needs anyone leaving a comment on the internet- she truly stood above the rest. I mean, what’s the best you can say about her, she was “first”?
Petkov also makes the list for 2011’s Worst Art Directors from her work photoshoping pictures of Kathleen’s mom’s head into the Grim Reaper’s arms, and posting it on the little girl’s Facebook page. Not done yet, she then photoshopped Kathleen’s head onto crossbones. And still, Zuckerberg will not make a “dislike” button.
Oh, by the way, not on Facebook? Petkov was obviously thinking of you when she set up stuff on her lawn mocking the sick child, and then, with her douchebag husband, attached a coffin to her truck and repeatedly drove by the Kathleen’s house beeping the horn. On top of this, as people aired their disbelief in what a piece of garbage she was, she told THEM to go fuck off.
Finally, a judge had to step in and order this piece of garbage to move out of the neighborhood and stay away from this family at all costs. But Petkov had already made her mark and proved her point, in this country, as long as you are willing to work hard, it doesn’t matter where you come from or what resources you have, you can be a tremendous, tremendous douchebag.
5) Donald Trump
Before this year, Donald Trump was a bad-haired, young-wife juggling, jack-ass who occasionally was entertaining, and sometimes contributed to the good of the city, but basically, (unless you were African American looking for housing in New York), harmless. Then, this year he got involved in the race to be the worst person on the face of the earth when he joined the illustrious list of wackos such as, Lawyer/ Dentist Orly Taiz, Islamaphobe Pamela Geller, and this lady, jumping on board- hell jumping in the driver’s seat of the “birther movement”.
Trump caused major waves going on every talk show that would have him, exposing his vague charges that the President was not a citizen, that he was sending his own team of investigators to Hawaii, and that his findings would blow all this out of the water. He even said that he was considering running for the Presidency himself- AND, I shit you not, had some people supporting him. A guy invested in the USFL- a guy who went bankrupt a few times IN THE CASINO BUSINESS! But, whatever.
What happened? Well, the President, who had released his birth certificate long ago, went ahead and released something called his “long-form” birth certificate, proving again that he born in Hawaii. Then about a week or so after that, he went to the National Correspondent’s Dinner, and proceeded to made Trump his bitch…
Oh yeah, and two days later, he had the Seal Team 6 shoot Osama Bin Laden in the head. So, nice work Trump, you a-hole!
4) Casey Anthony
Let’s just say this is NOT what I had in mind, when back in the 80’s I chose to stand and fight for our right to party.
Casey Anthony will go down in history as one of the worst human beings to ever take a duck-face picture. Her awfulness is made up of equal parts stupidity, irresponsibility, thoughtlessness and selfishness all coming together to form a “shitty-person Voltron” which left in its wake, the tragic death of a little girl, and a bunch of horrible MySpace pictures.
The head of Anthony’s Voltron, the Black Lion, if you will, is her horrible lying. And by that, I don’t mean that she lies a lot, which she does, but literally, that she is horrible at lying.
There’s something about someone who is not good at lying, yet insists on being a liar that is doubly insulting. Any gentleman bullshitter will tell you, the people you are lying to deserve the effort of a good lie. A good lie, is a work of art. It’s a seduction, you can get laid or paid from lying- when you lazily lie, your insulting your “client” twice, once by the initial lie, and secondly by assuming they are so dumb they’d be okay with your weak-ass, piece of crap lie. It’s a skill people! Did you ever hear the phrase, once you tell one lie, you have to tell another? It’s because done well, you create a demand!
Anyway, Casey Anthony was a remarkably shitty, yet prolific liar and her greatest hits include the following:
- Her daughter was abducted by her nanny “Zenaida Fernandez-Gonzalez”.
Turns out Anthony didn’t have a nanny for her daughter. “Zenaida Fernandez-Gonzalez” turned out to be a real person, but someone who did not know Anthony. So, it would seem, she basically made up a name of a Latina person, but couldn’t decide which common surname to use, so said “fuck it, use ‘em both.”
- That she worked as an event planner at Universal Studios.
This one turned into a George Costanza-type face off with coppers who took her to an office building at Universal, where she walked down the hall for a little bit presumably looking for her cubicle, before breaking down and admitting to cops she didn’t work there.
- She had a friend and co-worker named Juliette Lewis.
Anthony told police and her parents that she was friends with a person who didn’t exist named Juliette Lewis, whose name she came up with while watching…the first few minutes of “Old School?” Ah, we’re here for the gangbang?
There are many more, including insisting to police that she would drop her daughter off at “her nanny’s”, everyday, when in fact that apartment she was referring to was proven to be vacant and undergoing renovation at the time. Also there were the numerous reports of her daughter being “missing” for weeks and her not mentioning it to any of the men she was staying with or friends she was partying with. The list goes on and on for this monster who basically stuffed her dead three-year old in a trunk and went all Girls Gone Wild however running them down gets depressing, fast.
This is a woman about whom a Judge said “showed woeful disregard for the welfare of her child” and remember, this is Florida!
And by the way, you’re not hot.
3) Scott Walker
Even in a world of scumbag, jag-off politicians who make no effort to hide the strings their puppet masters use to control their every movement, Scott Walker stands out as a major douchebag. Working in conjunction with an equally scummy Republican legislature, and funded in large by out-of-state donors, Walker served as a catalyst in an experiment conducted by an Illuminati-esque libertarian right (read: rich dudes who don’t want to pay taxes) to severely curtail the rights of state workers and terminate their ability to negotiate their contracts. He slashed state budgets for education, health care, enacted a voter ID program and in a bold attempt to win the “Enormous Balls Award”, even attempted to charge people for the right to protest against him. Although to his credit, it would have been a cash-windfall, as this asshole was highly protest-able.
Well, at least his policies proved right as Wisconsin soared to the highest job growth in the country and the state enjoyed its most profitable period in 100 years, oh wait, the opposite of that happened with Walker even being forced to admit his changes did not save any moola whatsoever.
Throw into the mix an under-reported conversation Walker thought he was having with libertarian poster billionaire David Koch- but who turned out to be a guy from the great Buffalo Beast duping him, where Walker admitted he was considering planting troublemakers in the crowds protesting him to make them look bad and you have the makings of a Governor on his way out via recall.
2) The Debt Ceiling Players
For an excruciating month or so in 2011 all everyone seemed to talk about was the completely created and self-inflicted “debt ceiling crisis”. Memba that? Fun. Real quick, the “debt ceiling” is the cap that is set by congress on the amount of money that the government can borrow. When the cap is exceeded, which it often is, it needs to be raised as a formality so that the government can pay back the money or make payments on the money it has already borrowed. The key phrase here is ALREADY BORROWED. This isn’t about setting strict limits on the amount of money that we SHOULD borrow- this is money these jag-offs were already complicit in taking, that they were now stomping their feet wildly at, under the guise that we were spending too much money, when the money was already spent. It’s like going to a restaurant, and ordering everything on the menu, then freaking out when the bill comes. Like, hey asshole, the time for this discussion is when you’re ordering 14 appetizers. So what was basically a formality, became a sideshow designed to posture and mislead. What ended up happening was an embarrassment. Standard & Poors lowered America’s credit rating, but what really was the problem was that Americans had to sit and watch the indignity of the people elected to help facilitate their lives, once again stalling from doing anything, thus making the current difficult economic position they were in, more difficult. In clearer terms- let’s say you’re a middle class family basically struggling to get by for the last two years. You’re out of work, or working sporadically- having to deal with that kind of stress takes a toll on your health, your marriage, your family- you don’t need anyone making shit harder.
Then you look up and see these cocksuckers posturing for weeks about something that is completely made up like the debt crisis, spooking people and business, not getting other things that need to get done, done, and generally making things worse. It’s unforgivable. And it’s all bullshit. At the end of the day, the people we owe money to get paid, of course they do- the US Government can’t steal from the people they borrow money from- the country is too dependent on borrowing money! So all this was for what? Time on the evening news? What a disgrace. You know, they say don’t hate the playas, hate the game, but hate these playas.
Mitch McConnell has famously said that his number one priority is to make Barack Obama a “one term President”. That’s his number one priority. Not, as it has been pointed out by many, to do his job, but to make sure someone else gets booted from theirs. This is the leader of the Republican party. A guy who’s big push is to get someone else fired. Nice ideas. So systematically, he’s led the charge to block nominations, votes and say no to any proposals the President makes, no matter how much or if at all they’d help the country, all so, and this is where people who point this out fail to take the point “all the way”, Mitt Romney can get elected! MITT fucking ROMNEY!
Nah, that’s okay- I’m gonna do what I can to tank the country, so Mitt Romney can get in there. Can you imagine someone saying that? Incredible.
Seriously, his epitaph should read “Fucked up the country for 3 years to give Mitt Romney a better shot at being President.” And then, underneath that it should say “MITT ROMNEY!”
By the way, if Mitt Romney DOESN’T win the Republican nomination, and let’s say Newt Gingrich or Rick Santorum does, he would have fucked the country for 3 years so one of THOSE assholes could be Prez. Again, incredible.
These cocksuckers sat by with the fingers in their ani (plural of anus?) while the corporations that were ruining the economy, ruined the economy. But what was a major part of the subprime mortgage debt implosion? The fact that the loans that were being swapped, which were grade Triple A horseshit, also happened to be rated Triple A (a perfect score) by these same cock-knockers who, then, post-debt ceiling crisis, downgraded the US’ credit rating. Seriously, you want something with a huge rating, how bout rating the balls on these douchenuts.
At least Mitch McConnell seems to know he’s a scumbag. He keeps a somewhat low profile for a Minority Leader in the Senate and seems to prefer screwing the country over from behind closed doors. Not this asshole who holds the distinction of possibly being the biggest jag-off involved in this whole debt ceiling thing. Numerous, apparently were the times that even John Boehner thought a deal could be worked out, only to have Cantor fuck things up further by making deal-killing demand after deal-killing demand. This is a dude who, before he’d let emergency funds for Hurricane Irene relief be released, demanded an equal amount spending be cut to offset the disaster relief.
The thing is Cantor never had any intention of coming to an agreement. None of his actions speak to wanting to tie this up, even after several concessions from the President, he still refused to make a deal and then childishly walked out of negotiations. His desire to make the President look bad his only driving force. How do I know this? Aren’t I just speculating about what was happening in his head? Keep in mind no matter what happened, the debt ceiling was going to be raised. You just can’t refuse to not pay your credit card- trust me I know.
This orange colored, habitually crying, asswipe found himself dead center in the debt ceiling crisis circus. He was in the unenviable position of being charged with getting a deal done, knowing that one would get done, and yet not being allowed to get it done as that was the opposite of what the people he was representing wanted. Confusing? Yes. What would solve his dilemma? Having enough testes-matter to tell his asshole cohorts to cut the shit, take the deal they were being offered- a pretty decent one by most accounts when it came to deficit reducing- and put the country first. Did he stand tall amid the chaos and admit the charade had gone too far or did he cry like Bronson Pinchot in the elevator scene in True Romance? Answer here.(Scroll to 1:55)
Unable to get a deal done, unable to reign in the people he was apparently representing, he saw his leadership ability openly questioned time and time again. Sadly, because of weasels like Cantor walking out of negotiations they never had any intention of fulfilling, Boehner was the one left to clean up the mess and take the lion-share of the bad pub in the process.
This douche-nugget may be best known for his lie about Planned Parenthood in which he said 90 percent of their funding was used to facilitate abortions, when the actual number is closer to 3 percent. Then, when confronted with this wild inaccuracy, subtly added that what he said on the floor of the US Senate was, and I shit you not, “not intended to be a factual statement”. Incredible. You might also remember him as one of those guys who loves to talk about 9-11 unless its in regard to giving first responders the health coverage they need as their lungs slowly disintegrate. He’s also the guy who bitched and moaned, even going as far to suggest he was being discriminated against because of his Christian faith when he was asked to stay at work a few days over his Christmas break, never mind the millions of people he represents who don’t get a Christmas break, or the troops he loves to send out in harms way who don’t get a Christmas break, this bitch wants a Christmas break.
As for his role in the debt ceiling crisis, Senator Jag-off was brought in on the Super Committee (see below) end of it guns-a-blazing looking to trim something like “2.5 Trillion dollars” in cuts, then when told he wasn’t going to be able to do that without some kind of revenue raise, he walked out essentially ending the whole thing. Why not just walk in there and say, “let’s cut the entire deficit” if you’re just gonna turn around and walk out when someone says, okay, how the hell are we going to do that?
The Super Committee
So, as the debt ceiling doomsday clock ticked down to midnight, and the republicans continued to posture and pontificate, the concept of a “Super Committee” was born. It’s mission was to limit bipartisan bickering and come forth with an agreement that could be agreed to by a “yes or no” vote, with no amendments allowed by either party. The committee would be made up of 6 prominent Republicans from the House and Senate, and 6 Democrats. Built into it were "automatic" budget cuts, that would be triggered should the committee fail in its endeavor. These were devised to “deter” super committee members from failing at their job and not getting anything done.
Now, just to recap how we got here:
- The debt ceiling has been raised without incident about 74 times since 1962.
- All of a sudden, the Republicans decide to make a major issue out of it, threatening not to raise it if their demands for certain cuts are not met.
- No matter what happens, it has to be raised.
- Republicans demand cuts to programs Democrats live and campaign on, without agreeing to any kind of tax increase for the richest Americans- a political move they know has no chance of happening.
- Still, Democrats actually put forth substantial deficit cuts, insist however on raising revenue on the richest Americans.
- The Debt Ceiling still has to be raised.
- Republicans balk as they can not go back to the House having done a deal that in any way allows the President to A) get something done B) look good in any way C) have taxes raised pursuant to their agreement with Grover Norquist, some douchebag who makes Republicans pledge not to raise taxes, then if they do, funds their opponents in their next election and defeats them via his weird-ass, how-can-it-be-legal think tank group. So, having grandstanded extensively and now in a place where they need cover because the Speaker can’t sell his caucus a deal in which the President doesn’t completely lay down (although he almost did), the Super Committee idea is born.
- The Debt Ceiling is raised (because it has to be) the details of the deal to be worked out by said Super Committee.
What does the Super Committee do? Shit the bed of course, because it was never intended to do anything else because this entire exercise was one of bullshit and posturing. Committee members drop out left and right, pathetically portraying themselves as victims unable to work in the system they agreed to.
All this would be fine however, if the rest of the country wasn’t so on edge about everything involving the economy. Instead of 2 months of the people hired to represent us actually working on solutions, we had to watch this useless, uncalled for, shitty-ass soap opera unfold. The result? Debt Ceiling raised, automatic cuts scheduled to kick in. Amount of time wasted, tensions raised and dignity lost? Incalculable.
Which brings us to the number one position in our dastardly countdown. Who will it be?
But before we get to the number one, let’s take a moment to roll the “Suck in memoriam”. It’s just like the in memoriam at the Academy Awards, except we’re not sad to see these douches go. The suck has lost a lot of people this year, sadly they’ll be many more to take their place.
1) Students, Legendary Old Coaches, Administrators & Retired Defensive Coordinators at Penn State
In a year when so many individuals set new heights in sucking, at the end of the year, you have to take your hat off to the Penn State Nittany Lions for coming out ranked #1 on the BCI and AP suck-polls. A horrendous child abuse scandal spanning the course of decades? Check. A failure by an actual witness to go to the police upon walking in on the abuse? Check. A colossal cover up by school administrators with a legendary coach implicit, in order to maintain the reputation of the football program? Check. A riot by students to protest removal of said coach, who, just to be clear, made the situation worse and allowed other children to be abused by not involving the authorities. Check. And then, finally let’s not forget the horrendous abuse itself committed by Linebacker U Defensive Coordinator Jerry Sandusky that got the whole thing going in the first place. Make no mistake, this was a real team effort here to be scumbags, Joe-Pops would be proud. This is arguably the greatest black spot in the history of Penn State (Blair Thomas! Taken #2- The Jets could have had Emmitt Smith?! Okay, fine.)
Well, there you have it- the lowest of the lows, but just because you weren’t mentioned here or didn’t make this list, doesn’t mean you don’t suck. I’m talking to you, people who booed the gay soldier in the republican debate, and you guy who stabbed Ghafaffi in the rectum (you don't want the link), and you, formerly adorable now creepy, no one-coming to your birthday Kirk Cameron.