Tuesday, October 18, 2011

What Sucks…Happy Birthday Sting!


Congrats on your age finally catching up with how lame you are!

Hey, who’s that guy with the lute? Oh, just some 60 year-old.

Hey who’d want to hear a symphony take all the fun out of some old Police songs? Oh, some 60 year-old dude!

Editors note: Happy BELATED Birthday, Sting.
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Monday, October 17, 2011

What Sucks…Yahoo Trending Topics Make Sense!


Yeah, I’ll buy that.

Clearly today’s Yahoo Trending topics tell a perfectly sensible narrative, let’s take a closer look.



Okay, NATALIE PORTMAN is talented and hot and would never talk to me ever, OLIVIA WILDE is even hotter, no chance for me there, oh shit today is BOSS’ DAY?! Something like that exists? Someone made a Boss' Day? I didn’t get him/ her anything- and oh yeah I don’t have a boss because I am unemployed and have more credit card debt than any other time in my life, holy shit LINDSAY LOHAN? Ugh. Let me take a look at my STOCK PRICES. Jesus Christ All Mighty, I’ll be living in a box in a week, what’s my favorite football team? Oh, the 0-4 MIAMI DOLPHINS? Great, and Tony LaRussa is in another WORLD SERIES? Yeah, I need DEPRESSION TREATMENT!

Yeah, totally makes sense.
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What Sucks…Monday Morning Links Martindale!


Been a while since a Links Martindale was sent your way. Well, here's one chock full of stuff you've probably seen in 1000 different places on the web, it's just what the doctor ordered, if you have a shitty doctor.

...Here’s a cool Stephen Malkmus and The Jicks video directed by Scott Jacobson featuring Jack Black and a few buds of mine, in small roles.



…My friend Chris Regan has written with me in a sketch group when we were younger, and now William Shatner, how does it feel to achieve all your dreams? Check out "Shatner Rules".



…Here’s some cool stuff about the subway via the Voice’s Running Scared…

...Adam Spiegleman is quickly becoming an authority on bad movies and @ProudlyResents has a kick-ass podcast, check it out here and subscribe.

...Here's a frightening and disturbing report about a pizza delivery dude turning someone in for weed. Can those who are smoking weed no longer count on ordering a pizza buzz-kill free? Jesus! (via @Bobpowers1)



...The Diabolical mind of Sharon Hardy might be behind The Staten Islander...

...And seriously, fuck banks.

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Friday, October 14, 2011

What Sucks…Remaking Footloose!


In the age of retardation we currently live in, I have a problem with people remaking movies without making it even APPEAR as if there are trying to get them right this time around. And I know Footloose isn’t the first, second or even 80,000th to attempt this and I ALSO know I am making this judgment call based only on the trailer, but if you are among the many people scratching their head saying “Why are they remaking Footloose?” well, get ready for them to remake it again because they’re not getting it right.

Bothersome Thing About first Footloose:
Town, in America, bans dance. BANS- by the way, doesn’t discourage it, bans. Like, you could go to jail if you dance.

Bothersome Thing About Remake of Footloose:
They ban dance again! This is America! You can’t ban dance. And you know the people who made the film feel weird about it because they go into it TWICE in the 2:30 second trailer above that kids were killed in a car accident and that’s why they are banning dance but hey- Dennis Quaid’s preacher character- those kids weren’t killed by a step-ball change! Looks kind of like BOOOZE may have contributed a little. Maybe ban booze, oh wait- as a country for those under 21- we DO ban booze. Stop blaming dance for your problems!

The Fix:
The banning of dance was definitely a weird thing about the first movie. Like, everyone knew it couldn’t be done- but okay, they tried to pull it off. Footloose was released in 1984, audiences were like, okay fine we’ll give it to you. But then to re-make Footloose and not fix the “banning dance” thing, ugh! To fix it you have to lose the concept entirely or, start the film with these simple words….
Present Day…
Kabul, Afghanistan.


Bothersome Thing About first Footloose:
Very weird, extended dance scene with Kevin Bacon in a warehouse. Yeah, okay this was like a pretty uncomfortable scene where Kevin Bacon’s character is so frustrated with stuff that he just has to grab a beer, drive off and GO TO AN ABANDONED WAREHOUSE TO DANCE! To a Bonnie Tyler song, no less! (It may be Moving Pictures, too lazy to look it up!)

You know G-d for freaking bid you were an impressionable young person who DIDN’T have an older brother to show him what was cool and what was incredibly gay, and let’s say you were very frustrated with how things were going in your life and decided to blow-off some steam “dancing” in a public place like that- it’s irresponsible film making!

Did the scene age well? No, but Footloose later became loved for its camp, so the original film gets a pass here.

Bothersome Thing About Remake of Footloose:
It looks like they do the warehouse scene again! Come on- what are you thinking?! Terrible job here! I’d freaking ban dancing too if I lived in a town where boys were showing up to warehouses and busting moves like that! Jeeezus.


Bothersome Thing About first Footloose:
Extended sequence where Kevin Bacon tries and teaches Chris Penn how to dance. Lookit, dudes don’t teach other dudes how to dance and they especially didn’t do it back then. That part of the country has line-dancing solely for the purpose of avoiding the awkwardness involved in this sequence. Again, though the movie became loved for its camp so, the original gets a pass.

Bothersome Thing About Remake of Footloose:
It appears that they go right back to the “dance teaching sequence”. Come on! Dudes, it’s 2011- no one ties a rope from their waist to another guy’s waist in a high school hallway- even the producers of Glee are like “That’s over the line!”. Just write in a section where Ren shows his buddy an “It Get’s Better” video and cut together another tractor race or something. Lazy filmmaking!

Other things I hope they’ve changed from first film- the attempted rape of the girl character by her first boyfriend. In the original film, doesn't Lori Singer have to knee a guy in the nuts to get him to stop trying to boink her in a parking lot in broad day-light? I don’t remember, but I think so.

Also, from the trailer I can’t tell if producers of the film brought back Kenny Loggins, Denise Williams or Bonnie Tyler for the music. If they HAVEN’T, then lesson learned but part of me feels they may have.

Footloose opens this weekend!
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Thursday, October 13, 2011

What Sucks…Depression Is A Bathrobe!


Behold the image above for the latest slap in the face to bathrobe wearers everywhere! WTF?!

The ad is for something called “Abilify”, which isn’t so much a depression med as it’s an “add-on” depression med, something to augment your pills- I think, it’s not 100 percent clear- what IS 100 percent clear however is how these people feel about bathrobes!

I didn’t think the public depiction of the bathrobe could get any worse- in movies, they are the go-to outfit for crazy people- you’ll find one in every scene in any film that takes place in a mental hospital. Also, want to depict someone as a horrible person and don’t have the time to set up a proper character arch? Put the dude in a bathrobe, and have him walk outside his house.

Oh look at this dude in bathrobe, clearly he is sick, insane or both.

HEY HOLLYWOOD- SOME PEOPLE WEAR BATHROBES IN THEIR HOMES AND LEAD NORMAL, PRODUCTIVE LIVES! WHERE IS THEIR STORY?!

This meme has to be reversed! Did you know Thomas Edison wore a bathrobe when he worked? Try finding that in the upcoming movie about his life where he’s played by Channing Tatum and is also a crime solving vampire!

Someone quickly needs to do something good while wearing a bathrobe while at the same time everyone must resist the urge to go outside and direct traffic while wearing one. Together we can change the image of the bathrobe!



(This post is dedicated to the late Vincent "The Chin" Gigante the great wearer of bathrobes in public/ delayer of his racketeering trial.)
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Wednesday, October 12, 2011

What Sucks...Check Out "The Substitute"

Get More: MTV Shows



The show I wrote for over the summer- 4:30 PM on MTV everyday- here's a video where we give back to the young people of America who make our country what it is.

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Monday, October 10, 2011

Friday, October 07, 2011

What Sucks…Margie J Phelps


Hey, you hatin' a-hole, next time you announce your intentions to go on another funeral protest- which are some of the most uncool things you can do by the way- this time for Steve Jobs, perhaps “tweet-it” from your blackberry, you jack-ass. By the way- how the hell do you have an iPhone? Who funds your funeral-protesting jaunts around the world and how come you cowards never protest the funeral of someone somewhere cold?

Call me, (on your iPhone 4S, I'm sure you'll get one, loser) when you go protest in Michigan in the dead of winter!

To everyone else, sorry I know these folks are depressing as hell, on a separate note, here’s something inspiring- that definitely could have gone much worse!

Have a good weekend, everyone except you, Margie, you’re a douche.



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Thursday, October 06, 2011

What Sucks…The Reaper


In the ongoing battle against all that sucks, in which the outcome by the way, hangs the very soul of our planet- the good guys took a major blow last night with the passing of Steve Jobs.

Jobs run as CEO of Apple is well documented and will be discussed thoroughly over the next few days by our shitty, shitty corporate-owned media. The many amazing items he created or spearheaded the creation of- the Mac, iMac, iPad, iPod, iPhone, etc. will be discussed at length. His legacy, however, of creativity and challenge- to both the people who designed for him and purchased his products- is what should be remembered most.

Jobs incorporated imagination into his products, and never seemed to take a cynical view of the people he was designing for. Try finding that now. He also faced adversity- being fired from the company he helped found, before being brought back to save it with the very creativity that lead to its birth. In between he found time to found Pixar and gave us Toy Story, Finding Nemo and the company that would release Wall E, The Incredibles, Up and many more amazingly thoughtful and challenging films.

He pushed the boundaries innovation and design and because of him, it is actually possible to think that people will respond to intelligence and imagination in a business model. People around the world today are using their Macs to edit, design, organize and tell their stories. They develop games and apps for their phones that make life simpler, more interesting and easier. In a world where our leaders so completely fail to work for the people who have sent them to lead, Jobs’ products have allowed many to lead themselves.

The term “visionary” has been used to describe Steve Jobs, and where that term may be misused often, for Jobs it seems to fit as the products he designed, inspired others and allowed others to create as well.

Steve Jobs was an extraordinary innovator who changed the world making it better for the future while honoring the best of our past and its incumbent on all of us, to be little cooler today, tomorrow and the next day to pick up the slack for his loss.

Steve Jobs, RIP.
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Wednesday, October 05, 2011

What Sucks…Quick Hits: French Divorce Settlements, Hollywood Walk of Fame, Banks, Cell Phones In The Subway


…French Divorce Settlements

A man is ordered by a French divorce court to pay his wife ten thousand euros for not having enough sex with her! The decision is expected to be appealed and is being watched very closely by the guy who married Joy Behar!


…Hollywood Walk of Fame

The Hollywood Walk of Fame says NO reality stars will ever be enshrined on Hollywood Blvd! Sorry future-Jake from Bachelor Pad, you'll just have to settle for sleeping there!



...Banks

Charging for using your own Debit cards? Hey, we get it, you’re a-holes you can stop proving it every two seconds now!


…Cell Phones Working in The Subway!

Can you hear me now? Great, cause 15 foot rat just walked by me and it smells like pee down here.
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Tuesday, October 04, 2011

What Sucks Salutes Giant Balls…Dick Cheney


Just finished Cheney’s new memoir “In My Time” and SPOILER ALERT, he’s Luke’s father.

Seriously though, you have to admire the sheer girth of the balls on this guy. The dude takes shots at Colin Powell saying he tried to undermine President Bush in the build up to the Iraq War and also calls Condolezza Rice na├»ve for her dealings with North Korea. Dude- you were the worst VP in history- you were so bad that America was literally okay with JOE BIDEN replacing you! That is unprecedented! Also, you shot a guy in the face and didn’t notify police for two days! You’re lucky the name of your book is not “In My Time, In Jail!”

Do I have to say that Amazon lists people who bought this book also enjoyed Animal-snuff porn? Because I don’t want to use that construct to make a joke.

And sales-wise, I am being told that after an initial splash, the book is being moved to an “undisclosed location”, which in the publishing world is a nice way of saying “a discount rack”.
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Monday, October 03, 2011

What Sucks… Anwar al-Awlaki


Blown up over the weekend- ha, I love it. For those of you who don’t have your Al-Qaeda trading cards on hand (by the way, go with TOPPS, much better than Fleer) Anwar al-Awlaki is the guy often credited with coming up with the idea for the underwear bomber. Nice legacy dude!

By the way, memo to other al-qaeda:

Perhaps DON’T be the guy who is credited with coming up with the idea of putting explosives next to your junk, if your plan is, when you hit the after-life, to boink a shit-ton of virgins. These chicks are uneasy as it is! Adding the possibility of them having to defuse something Hurt Locker-style isn’t going to make the experience any less awkward!

By the way, can we say A-Qaeda is defeated now? I mean yes, they’re ruthless, murderous thugs, no doubt, but we’ve taken down the bad-asses of the group (KSM, OBL, etc) and now we’re dealing with an organization where the dude coming up with the idea of putting explosives next to your junk finds himself in the number three position? Their basically like Journey right now touring without Steve Perry and Neal Schon!

By the way- don’t think I didn’t try to shoe-horn a “I bet when he heard that drone missile getting close to where he was he made an ‘underwear bomb’ of his own” joke in here somewhere but couldn’t find the exact place to put it!

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