Monday, January 31, 2011

What Sucks...Pizza Parties: A What Sucks Classic


I’m not missing anything here, am I? You’re just sitting around with a few people and eating pizza, right? No one’s dancing, no one’s getting laid- nobody’s wife is making out with the hot new intern? Yeah, I’m not impressed.

I’ll remain unimpressed until someone can answer this question for me, when I went to a crowded pizzeria this afternoon for lunch, was I at a pizza party? Cause, what’s the difference. A radio? Seriously, a pizza party? Really? Cause I heard at the last one hot Kim from marketing took her top off. Yeah, it was great, Vonnegut was there- and Jack White showed up with Mick Jagger- holy shit I did so much coke.

Seriously were the people who were at the last pizza party you went to even your friends? Did you even like them or were were you just there for the pizza? I’ll let you in on a little secret- pizza is readily available- stop selling your soul for a lousy slice taken out of a crappy, damp cardboard box. I don't go to pizza parties anymore and yes, I hate myself less. I’m not a child anymore. I can afford my own pizza- I have better things to do and you should too.


LAME.
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Wednesday, January 26, 2011

What Sucks…The Hitler Mustache: A What Sucks Classic


Clearly, there is no reason for anyone to ever have worn one of these things post 19…let’s say 39 but really, it should have been earlier, like 1932, or 1929 when AH was starting to speak in the back of German beer halls, but fine, hindsight is 20/20. Here’s the thing about Hitler Mustaches- not only do they suck, but they really, really suck.

So, as mentioned above, no reason whatsoever to wear one of these things and for the most part, everyone has basically followed that rule. We are down to just a few people who wear the Hitler mustache publicly, and, I’m happy to report…




...most of them are fictional.

Very rare are the times one comes upon a purveyor of the Hitler mustache- and when that occurs, the wearer is usually shunned and generally seen for what they are, someone with either appallingly bad taste in facial hair, or someone who’s such a racist, they are unable to convey their hate sufficiently with words, they must also use whiskers.

So, yes, in that it has become emblematic of history’s most evil man, the Hitler Mustache, sucks.

However, it also sucks on another level. Consider this- Skinheads and Aryans, many of whom gladly tattoo their bodies with swastikas and other Nazi symbols, will only in very rare cases wear a Hitler mustache. Why? Because they also look ridiculous.

Think about it, in jail, you can impress other Aryans by giving yourself an iron cross tattoo, a painful procedure that involves lighting the tip of a pen and jabbing it into your skin, but still, that is more acceptable than just growing a mustache. The most evil man in the world had a silly mustache- we don’t even know if he had tattoos, but when faced with the idea of wearing one, it is a no brainer for Aryans and White Supremacists to go with the tats.

The mustache is so silly looking, even people who spend their days hating, won’t grow one, they’d rather permanently F up their skin - say one day they stop hating- they still have the tattoo. If they grew the 'stache, all they’d have to do would be to shave. Still, they chose to not look goofy. What a statement about the Hitler Mustache.

Who knows, if Hitler wore a cheese-dick goatee, would thousands of male New Jersey bar patrons be being wearing equally, chances-of-getting-laid-debilitating Hitler Mustaches as they headed out the door on a Friday night? I guess we’ll never know. Thanks Hitler.


The "Hitler Goatee"- things would be different now.
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Tuesday, January 25, 2011

What Sucks...Body Sushi: Perv Watch V.19: A What Sucks Classic


In Whatsucksblog.com’s continuing series on pervs who have a lot of money, (scroll down for the joke about the guy who paid 1.5 million for the Marilyn Monroe sex tape) today we look at the dude (usually some Wall Street A-hole) who pays $150 bucks (on the low end) to eat sushi off a woman’s naked body in a practice widely known as “Body Sushi”.

Now, not to generalize, but let’s face it, the Japanese are pervs. Don’t believe me, google “Japanese Game Shows” and “Naked Woman In A Pig Pen” and you get, well, more hits than you should. Also, they’re pretty much insane- click here. And here. And, well, just do the search yourself.

The reason I bring them up, Body Sushi came from them. Out there it’s called “Nyotaimori” but no matter what you call it, it begs on a few questions, like…

Question 1: How hard up for a woman’s naked body are you when you can’t wait till AFTER you eat sushi to go to a strip club and see a woman’s naked body? Sushi is expensive as it is, but shelling out a buck-fifty before you even get to order your Dragon Roll is insane. $150 dollar will go a long way in a strip club (ten, maybe fifteen minutes), and you’re just gonna throw it out there on someone you can eat a California roll off of? What a perv! Eroticism should never involve Spicy Tuna!

Question 2, and sorry if this sounds similar to question #1 but, who orders a maki-combo and says to themselves, “this would be better if I had wood.” Who?

Question 3, where do you put the Wasabi? That stuff, placed on the wrong part of the body can be deadly.

Sorry to be so harsh on the Japanese, but you don’t really see other cultures doing this with their food. I’m Italian, but I have never had, nor am I interested in “Body Chicken Parmesan”. I have many Irish friends, but never have any of them expressed any desire for “Body Corned Beef” and this isn’t even an Asian thing, as a google search for “Body Moo Shoo Chicken” reveals zero hits.

Hey pervs, eat Sushi off dishes, not people!Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Monday, January 24, 2011

What Sucks…Bad Guys From Movies Who Aren’t Really Bad: The Rodeo Drive Salespeople From “Pretty Woman”: A What Sucks Classic


So, I’m running a very high-end store on Rodeo Drive, in Beverly Hills, and a hooker walks in, wearing cut off jeans and thigh high whore boots, tells me she needs to “browse”, and I’m an asshole for throwing her out.

No, by all means, stay hooker. Stay in my $50 grand a month boutique and by all means, you know, make yourself at home. As a matter of fact, blow someone. Cause I’M a total douchebag for wanting you to leave.

I should absolutely let someone who gets paid to have sex with strangers, with her tits hanging out no less, walk around in my store. There’s no way you have a criminal record. Oh and, absolutely there is no doubt in my mind that my other customers, many of whom are decent, hardworking people, will have any problem shopping with a whore. Yeah, I think I read in Forbes last week that when given a choice of shopping at a place where whores walk freely, and one that keeps whores out, they chose night walkers every time.

Oh and you’re right, the next day, by all means bring your John into the store and have him be indignant when an entirely new group of salespeople aren’t swarming all over him with helpful service. Pardon them if initially they seemed to be shy, it’s just that they didn’t know exactly what you wanted to buy, because, well, we don’t sell syringes.

What’s that you say, sir? There’s not enough “sucking up”? Well, you’re the nicest “trick” we’ve had here all day.

Oh, You’re going to be spending an “obscene amount of money”? Well, sir, you’re with a hooker but not all of us have a price. Please leave before I call the police.

Here's roughly how the scene goes the next day when Vivian goes back to the original store:

WHORE: I was here yesterday, do you remember me? You wouldn't wait on me. Do you work on commission?

SALESWOMAN: Yes.

WHORE HOLDS UP BAGS.

WHORE:
Big mistake. Huge.

Here's how it should have gone.

WHORE: I was here yesterday, do you remember me?

SALESWOMAN: Oh yeah, the whore? Can you please leave. Are you about to ask me if I work on commission? The answer is yes, but you see if I had you in the store, no matter how much I would have made on your sale, I would have lost regular customers because they probably would have thought we're the type of store that let's people who "cut" other people shop here. You see, I have to clear a certain amount a month to keep this place going, so one relatively big pay day, is not worth sacrificing the reputation of this store. You'll see, Larry Miller's store will lose a little business in the short term, but he's a franchise, so maybe he can afford that. We're a small business. And even on Rodeo Drive, we can't. Here's a number where you can get some counseling. Good luck.
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Friday, January 21, 2011

What Sucks…The Urban Myth Surrounding Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight”: A What Sucks Classic


Let me get this straight…

So Phil Collins is walking around one night and happens to see some guy drowning- and another guy watching him drown, and does nothing. Then, some time later- we don’t know how long- arranges to have the guy who watched the other guy drown, come to one of his concerts and sit in the front row, only to sing this song for him, hit him with a spotlight, and have the police take him away.

No way. I’m having trouble even picturing it. Here’s what it must have looked like.

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO HARBOR. NIGHT.

ERIC, A MAN IS STANDING ON THE DOCKS, IS SMOKING A CIGARETTE, LOOKING OUT INTO THE BAY. HE IS WATCHING A MAN IN THE WATER, STRUGGLING TO STAY AFLOAT.

MAN IN WATER:
…Seriously, dude. I’m getting very tired here. The water is cold…

ERIC DOES NOT RESPOND.

MAN IN WATER:
…Dude! You’re looking right at me! Come on now!

FROM THE DISTANCE WE SEE A MAN WALKING UP THE BLOCK. WE CUT TO HIM TO REVEAL IT IS A YOUNG PHIL COLLINS.

PHIL:
(TO HIMSELF)
What’s going on up there? That guy okay?

WE SEE FROM PHIL’S POINT OF VIEW THAT HE IS ABOUT 100 YARDS FROM THE DOCK. HE SEES ERIC AND THE MAN IN THE WATER.

PHIL COLLINS:
What is that man on the dock waiting for?

CUT BACK TO ERIC.

MAN IN WATER:
Okay, in the interest of being very clear here, I need help sir. My arms are getting very tired.

ERIC DOES NOTHING.

MAN IN WATER:
I don’t think you understand the severity of the situation…

CUT BACK TO PHIL

PHIL:
Damn it, what is happening?

MAN IN WATER:
Are you mistaking me for someone who may have done you wrong in the past? Please, sir, what is it? Why won’t you help me?

CUT BACK TO PHIL

PHIL:
That guy in the water definitely needs help. What is going on?

CUT BACK TO THE DOCK

MAN IN WATER:
Well, I certainly hope you can live with yourself.

THE MAN IN THE WATER BREATHES FOR THE LAST TIME AND GOES UNDER. HIS HAND SLOWLY SINKING INTO THE WATER AS ERIC WATCHES.

CUT BACK TO PHIL COMING UP THE BLOCK

PHIL:
Holy shit! What the fuck?!! (YELLING TO THE GUY) Hey! What the hell man? Why didn’t you do anything?

ERIC TURNS AND RECOGNIZES PHIL COLLINS.

ERIC:
Phil Collins? You are the best! I love like everything you do. Genesis is awesome- fuck Peter Gabriel and that weird make-up, you’re the man. I can’t wait to see Buster.

PHIL:
Really? (SCRATCHING CHIN) Hey, how’d you like a front row seat to my next show.

ERIC:
You’re kidding me? No way!

PHIL:
Here you go buddy.

PHIL HANDS ERIC TICKETS.

CUT TO: INT. THE FILMORE. NIGHT.

WE SEE THE SECOND ROW, ERIC IS THERE- HE IS DANCING TO PHIL COLLINS’ VERSION OF “YOU CAN’T HURRY LOVE”

ERIC:
Whoo! Yeah! Play Easy Lover! Yeah!

PHIL FINISHES “YOU CAN’T HURRY LOVE” WITH A FLOURISH. HE THEN ADDRESSES THE CROWD.

PHIL:
Here’s something I’ve been saving for a special occasion…

CUT TO ERIC IN THE 2ND ROW.

ERIC:
Billy Don’t Lose That Number! Yeah!

PHIL:
This one goes out to a very special friend I have out in the audience tonight!

ERIC:
A groovy kind of love! Yes!

THE LIGHTS DIM. PHIL WALKS TO THE FRONT OF THE STAGE. WE HEAR THE BEGINNING OF “IN THE AIR TONIGHT”.

ERIC:
What the hell is this?

CUT TO PHIL ON STAGE.

PHIL:
(SINGING)
I can see it…coming in the air tonight…hold on…

CUT TO ERIC.

MAN ON DOCK:
(TO HIMSELF)
Little bit of a downer. (TO THE WOMAN NEXT TO HIM) I hate it when they do new stuff.

ERIC GETS HIT WITH A SPOTLIGHT. HE IS BLINDED.

ERIC (CONT.):
Whoa! (SHIELDING HIS EYES) What the hell is going on?

PHIL:
Well, if you told me you were drowning
…I would not lend a hand. 
I've seen your face before my friend
…But I don't know if you know who I am
…

ERIC:
Oh shit. Phil, no- wait, we’re friends!

PHIL:
Well, I was there and I saw what you did
…I saw it with my own two eyes…
So you can wipe off the grin, I know where you've been
…It's all been a pack of lies
!

ERIC:
Phil! No! Wait, the tickets- they were just a…who are these cops?

20 POLICEMEN ENTER. THEY GRAB THE MAN ON DOCK BY THE ARMS. HE STRUGGLES. THE CROWD LOOKS DOWN ON HIM, DISAPPROVINGLY. THE WOMAN NEXT TO HIM, IN FULL 80’S GARB, SHOUTS.

WOMAN:
You should have helped that guy who was drowning.

ERIC:
Phil’s the guy who needs help- this is pretty passive aggressive.

CUT TO PHIL ON STAGE AS THEY TAKE ERIC AWAY.

PHIL:
…
I've been waiting for this moment for all my life! Oh Lord! 
I can feel it in the air tonight, Oh Lord! 
And I've been waiting for this moment ALL MY LIFE! OH LORD!

ERIC:
All your life? This just happened! What are you talking about! Did I even commit a crime?

THE POLICE PULL THE MAN ON THE DOCK OUT OF THE ARENA. WE CUT TO HIM AT THE CAR.

ERIC:
Play One More Night!

COP:
Like you gave that guy who was drowning “one more night”?

THE COP THEN PUSHES ERIC INTO THE POLICE CAR AND THEY DRIVE AWAY.

SCENE.

I don’t know, maybe it did go down like that. In the movie Jeffery Tambor plays Phil and Tim Robbins is Eric, even though Eric is a much younger man than Tim is now.
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Thursday, January 20, 2011

What Sucks...The Sleestaks: A What Sucks Classic


Sleestaks suck on two levels. First, they were malevolent to Marshall, Will and Holly, forcing them to constantly live in fear, for basically no reason.

What did Marshall, Will and Holly do to the Sleestaks? Nothing. They just appeared, accidentally, in the Land of the Lost. They didn’t want to be there, clearly they were the victims of an earthquake and, as the name of the new world they had just entered indicates, lost. Yet the Sleestaks decided they were a threat and treated them as such. Why? Because they looked different? I’ll say it- they were fucking racists.

If the Sleestaks they didn’t have their collective heads so far up their asses, they’d help M, W & H get back home. What was the threat they posed? Did the Sleestaks think they were looking to take over their territory? With freaking T Rexes and monkey boys like Cha-ka eying Holly every chance they got? I don’t think so.

Incidentally, after studying the theme songs of the Land of the Lost Will and Holly’s family name seems to be Marshall, which means their dad (who ended up leaving TLoTL without his kids) was named “Marshall Marshall”. Which is unfortunate.

Back to the Staks. The Sleestaks ALSO suck because as beings, evil or otherwise, they were incredibly weak. They couldn’t take light. So in the daytime, you were totally safe from a Sleestak. Also, they were slow as shit. If you were spotted by a Sleestak, you could basically sit back, relax and enjoy the film The Good Sheppard (it was long) before you had to worry about running away. In the rare instance they could get close to you, you could easily escape their clutches by “walking quickly” in the opposite direction.

They moved so slow because clearly they had asthma. How else can you explain the unbelievably loud breathing noise they made as they approached anything. They couldn’t sneak up on you, and most certainly couldn’t catch you in a foot race.

So in their bitterness for not ever being able to be out in the sunshine, and having really bad asthma, the Sleestaks tore a family apart. What a bunch of racist dicks.Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

What Sucks…Guinea Worms Disease; A What Sucks Classic


Sometimes when something sucks, one just has to list certain facts about it to make the case about how much it blows. Like Chad Kroeger is the main song writer for Nickelback, or, the highest point of elevation on Staten Island is a garbage dump, or that George Lopez is Mexican (kidding! Seriously, that was a joke!)

The same can be said for Guinea Worm Disease, or as it is also known by fancy scientists, dracunculiasis, or by simple folks who are terrorized by it, the “fiery serpent” disease. Here are some of those facts…

Fact 1: The victim is infected when he/ she drinks contaminated water that contains a tiny water flea that itself is infected by an even tinier guinea worm. The worms mate in your intestinal walls and the females (the males die) continue to eat and grow inside you.

This is only fact 1. There are 3 other facts.

Fact 2: - The most common practice to treat this disease involves wrapping the worm around a stick as it boroughs its way out of your body through an open sore in your leg.

Fact 3: This “stick wrapping” process can take many days and up to a few weeks as worms can be as long as 3 feet oh and by the way, and if while wrapping the worm around the stick it should break, it could cause a fatal infection.

Fact 4: As the worm makes its way through the open sore on your skin, it causes a terrible burning sensation leading many to want to submerge their leg in some water. However, if a victim does this, the water serves as a signal to the worm to release its eggs, and thus contaminate what could be the entire water supply of a village by releasing millions of Guinea Worm larvae, which are then eaten by water fleas and, you know, then everyone gets the disease, circle of life, blah, blah, blah. PS- the water doesn’t solve anything- you still have to wrap the worm around a stick to get it out of your leg.

There are more facts but those are the highlights.

The person with dracunculiasis WISHES they had a tapeworm. They’d say- “Oh, if only this thing affecting me was a tape worm, this would be MUCH better.” They long for Elephantiasis. Gout would be like the greatest vacation they ever had.

Of course Guinea Worm disease mainly happens in Africa, a place vastly under-appreciated for sucking. Let’s face it, people there could die from this disease, get eaten by a lion or shot by a child soldier, and all live on the same block. Yeah, it’s beautiful, great landscapes- I know- but don’t kid yourself, they’d trade it all for a basement apartment in Buffalo in a second.
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Wednesday, January 19, 2011

What Sucks...Web Videos You Should Check Out


Friend of WhatSucksBlog and creator of Sully Baseball, Paul Sullivan hit the streets on San Francisco the other day to plead for Major League Baseball to pay attention to some team other than the Yankees and the Red Sox- the resulting video got picked up by NBC Sports and about a zillion other people picked it up- here's your chance to see it now, a day late!
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Tuesday, January 18, 2011

What Sucks...Journey’s “Separate Ways” Video: A What Sucks Classic!


A few questions, (25) come to mind while watching this thing.

Why the section where the band “air plays” their instruments?
Who in the band knew someone who owned a warehouse down by the wharf?
Why was the only girl they could find in the video a borderline Vicki Lawrence look-a-like?
Why put her in a white pleather jacket?
Why the sleeveless tee-shirt?
Why the extreme Steve Perry close-ups on “I wish you love” at the 2:19 mark?
How long was the dolly track the cameraman used on some of these shots? 30 yards? 40?
Why is there a section in the video where everyone is playing their real instruments, clearly not plugged in, except the drummer who plays a series of metal drums?
Why the keyboard on the wall?
Why do other band members pretend to sing the lead, when it is clearly Steve Perry’s voice?
What is with the “claw-like” hand motion dance the guy in the tweed jacket does right around the 55 second mark?
Why the creative decision to have all 5 band members back to back, standing on a pile of wood? They are all touching. This is around the 1:18 mark.
What’s with the “white guy fro” on the guy in the denim jacket?
Why is this girl just aimlessly walking around a wharf?
Who is the girl at the end of the video, in the bed, clearly it is not the girl in the white jacket, aimlessly walking around the wharf?
Why is this wharf empty except for the rock band Journey, and an early 80’s chick?
Was Steve Perry’s shirt sleeveless to distract from the fact that it has a purple checkerboard pattern on it?
Is it the bassist, or the keyboardist who looks the most like he’s in “Reno 911”?
Doesn’t Randy Jackson always say he was in this band? Where the fuck is he?
What’s up with the van driving by at the 1:37 mark?
Does the drummer have a shirt on that really says “foosball”?
Do you think he was really in the band or just a guy they found on the wharf?
Why is the girl in the white pleather jacket entering a warehouse, anyway (at 1:54)?
Who’s idea was it to chase Steve Perry through the wood platforms?
How is the girl at the end able to sleep if she is listening to the song that we are listening to, and if she’s not listening to that song, why is she wearing head phones to bed?

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What Sucks...Circus Peanuts: A What Sucks Classic!



Candy is supposed to be good. It’s supposed to make you smile. It gives kids fits because they love it so much that they try and eat as much as they can of it, then go crazy as sugar takes over their bodies and makes them insane savages for the next hour until it burns them out and leaves them in a collapsed, comatose state.

That’s what candy is supposed to do.

But WTF is a circus peanut? If it’s a candy- and it often is classified as such- who eats them? Who likes them? Are they ever not stale? Why are they seemingly only available in 24-hour gas station shop-marts and drug stores? Who are they being marketed to?

Something is up. We have a bad candy- that kids don’t like- that is never fresh- that is only sold in truck stops and drug stores- that are called Circus Peanuts. On top of all that- they don’t taste like peanuts. From everything I read (I’m not tasting these things for this study) they are banana flavored.

Why is there a market for stale, banana-flavored peanuts sold only at gas stations and drug stores?

And what’s the connection to circuses? I’ve been to circuses, I’ve had cotton candy- I’ve bought a light that I twirl around in a circle- but I’ve never eaten circus peanuts there. Shouldn’t they be sold at circuses?

If they’re in stores, someone must be buying them, right? But who? Have you ever been in a 24 gas station and the guy in front of you is getting circus peanuts for the road? Where is he going? Why won’t the Slim Jim just do? Have you ever been to a Rite Aid and watched someone pick up a pack after getting their prescription filled?

Some things that suck I don’t pretend to understand. Circus peanuts are one of those things. They must be stopped. They must be destroyed and removed off the face of the earth.
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Monday, January 17, 2011

What Sucks...Being A Fluffer: A What Sucks Classic


In part two of our continuing series on jobs that suck, today, we bring you “the fluffer”. Sorry about the image above, but google image search “Fluffer” at work and you get weird looks.

Over the course of my life I have had a number of crappy jobs. I’ve worked as a dishwasher at a Sizzler, and a camp counselor at a rich kids day camp in Scarsdale, NY. I temped for years, was a page, and a receptionist for 18 months at a place where being a receptionist was the worst job you could imagine, and where if I went public with what they paid me, Amnesty International would get involved. I even wrote for Craig Ferguson for a few months, but all those job experiences (except maybe Ferguson) pale in comparison to that of a “fluffer”*.

I’m being delicate here but…

“Preparing”, and by using that word, yes, I’m romanticizing it, dicks for sex scenes in porn, has to be a job one takes when the “Objective” line on their resumes says “to use the skills I have developed in hating myself to start a career.” I think it says something about a job when the only “worst job” you can think of, is a different version of that job. I.E…

…Being a “fluffer’ in animal porn.
…Being a “fluffer” on the set of “Rest Home: Fat & Mature Volume XVI”. (That’s 16!)
…Being a “fluffer” in live sex-show performance, “just outside of Tijuana”.

Some questions come to mind:
How do you reconcile a job like that? And nowadays with Viagra, is it even necessary? Shouldn’t there be a line drawn in the sand where “being old school” is not in the best interest of everyone? Is there a union? Is there a Local 4183 “Fluffers”? Does the AFLCIO recognize it? If there WAS a fluffer’s union, wouldn’t the 1st motion be to try abolish their own jobs?

INT. FLUFFER’S LOCAL 4183. UNION SHOP REP IS ADDRESSING THE CROWD.

UNION SHOP REP (his name is, I don’t know, Julius):
Brothers, the news remains grim. The major studios continue to refuse to honor our request to outsource our jobs…

THERE IS A LARGE MURMUR THAT GRUMBLES THROUGH THE ASSEMBLY

UNION SHOP REP (JULIUS):
…sitting across the bargaining table, I have pleaded with them- on how they can get workers in India and Pakistan to “prepare” dicks for a FRACTION of what it costs here!

A MURMUR SWEEPS THROUGH THE HALL AGAIN

JULIUS:
…problem, as we all know, is that it’s difficult to get a client to “maintain” in between takes on a set, so there’s no way its gonna work during a trans-Atlantic flight!

THE CROWD REACTS, AGREES.

JULIUS:
Unlike autoworkers, we are together in our wish for a machine that could replace us. Scientists in Sweden and Japan are working tirelessly on this as we speak- but until they deliver, I pledge that we will not give up this fight to wipe this horrible gig from the face of the earth! I ask again you consider a work stoppage, but I know how much you need the money for your meth, so it’s pointless.

FIN.

How does the fluffer deal? What does he tell him/ herself? “Well, at least this isn’t a “furry’”!

Maybe you have a “glass half-full” type of outlook. “Well, if I work hard and learn my craft, maybe some day I’ll be on CAMERA sucking off some stranger!”

Maybe you’re a fatalist…“Hey, perhaps this film will turn out to be snuff.”

*Disclaimer: “Not that I would know personally. The following is based on what I’ve read. Sartre. The early stuff. I’ll talk about that in another posting. “What-Sucks Jean-Paul Sartre’s ‘Fluffer Stage’” look for it.


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Saturday, January 15, 2011

What Sucks…Blog Note


Dear esteemed reader(s)!

After not posting last week, WhatSucksBlog will pretty much be in repeats this week, so that next week, I might bring you the much anticipated What Sucks…2010! You know that thing that usually takes my lazy-ass well into the next year to write about the previous year as to who and what sucked?

Anyway, it’s usually about 7000 words and so far I’ve written about 14 of ‘em, so time to get to work on it. Bonus was, this year where I usually take December off, I didn’t because I took so much time off most of the year. What Sucks? Me and my ability to post everyday! I will probably throw something up here sometime this week because, Jesus, the suck certainly doesn’t take a break.

So for today, and to recap last week suck-wise, let’s just say, ah…

What Sucks…Sarah Palin



…they weren’t “surveyor's symbols”. That argument is incredibly weak and Sarah Palin’s 2nd act of “handling” the horrific Tucson shooting where she released a Facebook video dropping the phrase Blood Libel, only adds bona fides to her assholishness. Seriously, could you handle this thing worse? Why not go all the way, take down the “takebackthe20” and put it back as “takebackthe19”?!

Also, let me just say that like most of America, I believe the guy who shot all those people in Tucson was and is mentally deranged. Look at his haircut. I mean through the years. He was not told by Glenn Beck or Sarah Palin to do what he did. He acted alone following the orders of the demented voices in his head.

Separately from that however, Sarah Palin did put Gabrielle Giffords’ district in “crosshairs”. Gabrielle Giffords was made to feel uncomfortable by it to the point where she spoke out about the imagery and language and now, 8 months later, she was shot in the head. So, yeah while we all seriously know Palin did not call for the shooting of this congresswoman or any others, ah, nice work on this whole thing nonetheless.

All right, so see you here and there this week, I’m still trying to get a full time gig somewhere so I while I want to throw down some killer posts in the way of the soon to be lost art of blogging (seems I’m gonna have to get a podcast pretty soon to try and remain relevant) I do have to balance that with the quest to feed my little boy something other than discount bologna.

I’ll also be experimenting with changing up the format you’ve all grown so fond of over the years because lets face it, blogger is looking more and more TRS-80 everyday. Also, in 2011- What Sucks Video! That I can promise because I’ve already cut and edited two of ‘em so, we’ll see who the big shot is!

In the meantime- please use the comment section to tell me if Tumblr is worth my time and I should get the F off this blogger thing for once and all.

All right, kicking off the repeats, what don’t we throw up (and literally throw-up) the granddaddy of What Sucks posts…What Sucks…Being a Fluffer!
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Friday, January 07, 2011

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Lohan Drinking At Rehab, Jersey Shore, The Jets, Our Government


…Lindsay Lohan Drinking AT Rehab!

I don’t want to say this chick is a drunk, but her favorite poem is "beer before liquor never sicker"!


…French Toast

Is cake! Who are we kidding- you’re having cake for breakfast!


…The Jets

Way to keep New York City headline writers away from their families during the holidays! Both the Post and NYDN are rising to the challenge, but can they keep up? What if the Jets win the Super Bowl and get to go see the President? Will we see Rex Ryan shaking Obama’s hand with the headline “Pleased To FEET Ya!”?


…Our Government

Nice. Old woman with frozen face and dead eyes, gives novelty gavel to guy with glassy eyes and orange skin. I feel better already.
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Thursday, January 06, 2011

What Sucks…Jersey Shore


There is a show long in re-runs on Nick Jr. called “Jack’s Big Music Show”. It’s very funny and positive and features very talented musicians including a guy who many of you may have heard of, but many more may not have named Andrew Bird. Andrew Bird is a super talented musician who can play a shit-ton of instruments.

Anyway, for some reason Jack’s Big Music Show is not on the air anymore. They only did I think 2 seasons. My guess is it probably has something to do with money- either Nick didn’t want to pay the people who make the show, or it was too expensive, etc. The bottom line is, this sensitive, funny, show that encourages kids to love music and teaches them positive themes in a very positive and fun manner, has no shot of being on the air, and the assholes you see above- are on their way to being millionaires.

Nice job, mankind.
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Wednesday, January 05, 2011

What Sucks…Chris Christie


New Jersey's Governor is attacking state workers pensions (which have been raided by who in the past? Oh yeah, the government!) with such gusto and trying so hard to make them seem like the bad guys that people are calling him NJ’s Ronald Reagan, now I don’t know how fair that is because I do NOT think Christie has traded arms for hostages yet so, Reagan? Not so sure, sorry.

I will say I see some Taft in him!


Separated at GIRTH! Whoo-hoo!

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What Sucks…Shows About Pawn


Hardcore Pawn? Pawn Stars? You’re trying too hard! What’s next, a show about a place that sells a kid’s old toys entitled “Child Pawn”?! Keep it up America, you’re watching shows about pawn at such a rate, a market for TWO has developed!

Own a pawn shop and are looking to get on TV? Move fast- I think we all know the second it becomes legal to sell guns on eBay, you’re out of business!
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Tuesday, January 04, 2011

What Sucks…The Reaper



Gerry Rafferty died yesterday. Somewhere someone will say something like this- “Well, they don’t write songs like ‘Baker Street’ anymore....” and whoever says that will be dead f-ing on. 60 second sax solos seldom start songs off these days. Gerry Rafferty also wrote “Stuck In The Middle With You” when he was in Stealer’s Wheel, and "Right Down The Line" which was also really, really, 70's. Good night huge 70’s guy.

Gerry Rafferty, RIP.

Reaper Double Shot: Pete Postlethwaite

Let’s hope the late, great Pete Postlethwaite pulled a “Kobayahsi” on the reaper and made good on the threat to off his lawyer/ girlfriend if he was killed. Good night to you, star of “In the Name of The Father” and possessor of an Adam’s Apple rivaled only by that of Ann Coulter, Pete Postlethwaite RIP.
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Monday, January 03, 2011

What Sucks…2010


Well, pat yourselves on the back, people. It seems that in the time it took for the earth to travel around the sun we, as a race, have set new standards in sucking and coming from someone who lived through 2009, that’s saying something. Seriously, I didn’t think it could be done, but it was, fuckos, it totally was.

Hard to imagine 2010 sucking worse for anyone (save a few Pelicans stuck out in the Gulf of Mexico) then people who live in Haiti. Not only did they have to endure a horrific earthquake that at last count is responsible for the deaths of 300K people, but they have also had to deal with Sean Penn showing up there from time to time. “Excuse me, can you help me dig my brother’s body out from under the rubble…hey, is that Spicoli?” is not something any human should ever have to say. But certainly you didn’t have to be Haitian to feel suck in 2010, as a matter of fact, Haiti’s hell was brought on by natural disaster, the vast majority of the rest of us? Well, we only have ourselves to blame.

Like 2009, and 2008 before it, 2010 sucked on a whole new level. Put it this way, if 2010 was a movie poster, the tagline would be “Worse”.

This past year everything got shittier. Perfect example- Haiti. Haiti got worse. No offense to Haitians but Haiti kind of sucks- corruption, abject poverty, ah, FREAKY-ASS black magic and now…a horrific earthquake.

Politics got worse. Carl Paladino as a candidate for major office in any non-post-apocalyptic scenario is a disgrace. Shit, if David Patterson knew the Republican he’d face would be Paladino, he would of run- and that guy sucked! People were shooting guns in their campaign ads for Christsake!

Hate soccer? Well, let me introduce you to the vulvazela. Had the pleasure of walking through Times Square recently? How much more fun is it now that you have to worry that some asshole may be trying to blow it up?

As a matter of fact, check your score card- I’m pretty sure there was only one good thing done this year- getting a bunch of miners out of a hole- and even that took 33 days to get right. So yeah, 2010 gave us suck as a super-virus. 87 thousand people showed up to a Glenn Beck rally for Christsakes. By the fucking way, that’s not a misprint.

Well, let’s get to it- the detestable 10!

10) Joran van der Sloot


Continuing our theme of things getting worse in 2010, Joran van der Sloot, a repugnant and vile douche, in years prior, got worse in 2010. By the way, the dude also makes my year end list of people who have the largest Cojones in the world here’s why. On the 5 year anniversary of the disappearance of 18 year old white woman Natalie Halloway- a person he was caught on tape admitting to killing, what does this asshole do to celebrate? Pop a bottle of champagne you say? Perhaps spend a quiet evening reflecting with friends? No- let’s try KILLING AGAIN! This time the victim, Stephany Ramirez, who will be remembered for a lot of things, as well as not google-searching the dudes she goes out with. What is Van der Sloot’s pickup line by the way? “Hey, you a fan of Nancy Grace? No? Well then allow me to introduce myself!”

9) Pamela Geller


I think I hear some of you saying, “who?” Or are you saying “boo!”, to one of the most horrific people on the face of Allah’s green earth? If so, I understand as Gellar is one of the people behind one of this year’s most annoying and depressing non-controversies, the dispute over the “ground zero mosque”. Where, if you remember correctly, the Islamic community was really giving it to us as Americans by planting a flag and taking over…an old Burlington Coat Factory. Along with her blog, “Atlas Shrugs”, Geller is credited with starting not just one hate-group, but two (Freedom Defense Initiative & Stop Islamization of America- for those of you keeping score (the FBI)). But to say that Geller is an opportunist who spends her time trying to divide New Yorkers and aggravate the wounds of 9-11 for families who have lost loved ones and survivors, would also ignore her commitment to other bat-shit crazy endeavors that waste everyone’s time like the birther movement and stoking the fears of morons country-wide that Sharia Law is US bound. Pamela Geller is currently single by the way.

7&8) Sharron Angle/ Christine O’Donnell


When the dust settles on the depressing, Tea-Party impacted election of 2010 in which Democrats got their butt handed to them (albeit they have really no one to blame but themselves), I feel republicans will look at the way the Senate is laid out and say something along the lines of “shit, shouldn’t we have a majority there too?” Looking deeper into the question, they should then realize two very winnable elections they could have had were the Senate elections in Delaware and Nevada. Not only could they have taken those two seats, but they would have basically bitch-slapped Dems by taking over current Vice President Joe Biden’s old seat and also kicking out the current majority leader, Harry Reid. That would have been an ass-whooping for the ages. Unfortunately in those two races they ran psychopaths, people so crazy that even in an election where psychosis is an asset, Christine O’Donnell and Sharon Angle scared people away. I put them together because they kind of share the same “I-can’t-look-away/ grizzly car accident” quality. I don’t mean for you guys to mix them up though- Christine O’Donnell is the one who said she was a witch, and then said she wasn’t and that she was “you”. Sharon Angle is the one who thinks Mexicans are Asians. Christine O’Donnell was the one who thought that evolution was false because when you look at a monkey you can’t see the monkey begin to transform into a man. Sharon Angle is the one who thinks Sharia law was taking hold in Texas. Ah, get it straight!

6) BED BUGS


In the past, I’ve pretty much kept this list limited to humans, but seeing as most of the humans on it are pretty close in genetic make-up to insect life, why not include an insect, thus, number 6 on the detestable ten, is the bed bug. Here are the facts: bed bugs live off human blood, they live in your bed, hatching eggs in the seams of your mattresses or in the box-spring of your bed and at night, they come out and feed on you. So, ah, yeah they feed on human blood, but somehow don’t wind up in any romantic movies- I guess they should think about attending high school and having their skin sparkle in the daylight or something if they want to be taken seriously. Yeah, Twilight fans, that’s a burn on you!

5) Lady Gaga


Lookit, I’m in show-biz, I know the drill. Do stuff to get yourself noticed- I get it. You want to be in people’s minds- have them talking about you at the water cooler. That said, Lady Gaga wore a meat-dress. A dress made out of meat. Are we supposed to accept this? Just act like it’s okay? If we do, what will happen next? I say fuck it. Getting attention from the media is one thing, what is she trying to do, get attention from tigers? I don’t want to live in a world where someone on a red carpet somewhere asks “who are you wearing?” and the answer is “Boars Head.” A fashion statement should be a bold, boundary breaking thing, not something that makes me ask “can I get that well done?”

4) Glenn Beck


An insane jag-off who can barely watch a card trick without tearing up, Beck this year held a “rally” at the mall in Washington, DC that was attended by a shit-ton of people. People, it should be pointed out, who traveled all the way to DC to attend a rally for a dude who used to be a Morning Zoo guy. So, if that’s not on G-d’s blooper reel, then I don’t know what is. By the way, Tony LaRussa spoke there too. Just saying. Dude, rides the steroid ridden Bash Brothers to a World Series title (while losing two other series to two teams that would have been considered inferior on paper), has a borderline mullet yet is considered some kind of baseball genius- why? Because he calls on four pitchers to get the Javy Lopez’s of the world out? Time to reevaluate. But I digress. Back to Glenn Beck. Oh, yeah, Beck’s “Restoring Glory” rally, which strongly suggests we’ve lost Glory- was held on the same day and at the same location as Martin Luther King’s “I Have A Dream” speech. Which at first I was bugged by, but then I realized that where MLK’s speech was a watershed moment for our country, and the struggle for the African American community to gain civil rights, who was I to deny the same watershed type moment for our country’s moron community?

3) Sarah Palin


Time for Sarah Palin’s entry. I know what you’re saying- only #3? Did Stalin and Pol Pot come back from the dead this year and make an album of Nickelback covers? Yes, I understand the sentiment, she is a tremendous piece of garbage. We’re talking about someone who vilifies Barack Obama for using a teleprompter, and then reads things off her own hand. Someone someone who said that we have to stand with our NORTH Korean allies, when, you know I’m not an expert of international affairs but if not enemies them, they’re at least frienemies. She also tried to blame the horrific oil spill on environmentalists, misspelled a word (repudiate), and then when busted on it tried to compare herself to William Shakespeare and supported a dude for the Alaskan Senate, who was such a piece of garbage, he lost on a WRITE-IN vote, to someone with a very hard name to write. So yeah, she blows. But who could have beat her?

2) …YOU


You watched a guy call a $5 Billion dollar penalty for BP Oil, who killed a gulf, a “shakedown” and you still voted for them. You are against allowing people of the same sex to marry because you worry about how you are gonna tell you kids about it. I worry about how I am going to tell my kids about you! You march against things like the estate tax, in service to people who have MILLIONS of dollars, and then when George Steinbrenner croaks, Hank and Hal don’t pay jack-doo-doo on their inheritance and you have to cough up more of your paycheck. You at first, didn’t give a shit about something called the “Ground Zero Mosque”, because maybe you figured it wasn’t at Ground Zero, and it wasn’t really a mosque, but you then gave in to the constant call from the media to be outraged, and wasted everyone’s time, while simultaneously giving cover to the real assholes who were out there ripping you off.

1) …AND YOU


You stay away from the ballot box because you think that because President Obama didn’t get you free health care, he blew it. Nevermind that he insured 50 million more people and made it impossible for you to not get insurance due to a pre-existing condition. You think it should be free, so you got all pissed off when it wasn’t. You became complacent after your guy got in and allowed a completely made-up movement to steal the spotlight from you, after you moved in the direction of shaking things up. Now we all have to deal with old people who wear tri-cornered hats with tea bags hanging from them. Thanks, no seriously thanks.

Dishonorable mention: Brett Farve, proponents of Fracking, the development people who green lit “Bridalplasty”, Jan Brewer, Pastor Terry Jones, 92.8 percent of the people who wear fedoras, John Kyl who’s refusal to give 9-11 first responders medical coverage was astounding, anyone who engages in Cyber-Bullying and that goes double for any adult who does, the Supreme Court- specifically John Roberts, Scalia, Clarence Thomas and Justice Alito, and Andrew Breitbart.
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What Sucks…Quick Hits: NYC Airports, Spiderman The Musical, Brett Favre, Sn00ki


…NYC Airports

Not only has this blizzard kept people in NYC airports for so long they’ve actually formed relationships with the TSA Agents who molested them, but those relationships are now beginning to lose their spark!


…Spiderman The Musical

I don’t want to say this thing is dangerous but the other night I watched that Spike show “1000 Ways To Die”, 234 of them had to do with this show.


…Brett Farve

After a rough year I understand he’s once again flirting with retirement- how do I know? Because he recently sent "retirement" a picture of his junk!



…Sn00ki

Being lowered in a ball on New Years Eve? What a difference a year24 hour period makes, this time a yearlast night when ago balls were being lowered on her!
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