Thursday, January 20, 2011

What Sucks...The Sleestaks: A What Sucks Classic

Sleestaks suck on two levels. First, they were malevolent to Marshall, Will and Holly, forcing them to constantly live in fear, for basically no reason.

What did Marshall, Will and Holly do to the Sleestaks? Nothing. They just appeared, accidentally, in the Land of the Lost. They didn’t want to be there, clearly they were the victims of an earthquake and, as the name of the new world they had just entered indicates, lost. Yet the Sleestaks decided they were a threat and treated them as such. Why? Because they looked different? I’ll say it- they were fucking racists.

If the Sleestaks they didn’t have their collective heads so far up their asses, they’d help M, W & H get back home. What was the threat they posed? Did the Sleestaks think they were looking to take over their territory? With freaking T Rexes and monkey boys like Cha-ka eying Holly every chance they got? I don’t think so.

Incidentally, after studying the theme songs of the Land of the Lost Will and Holly’s family name seems to be Marshall, which means their dad (who ended up leaving TLoTL without his kids) was named “Marshall Marshall”. Which is unfortunate.

Back to the Staks. The Sleestaks ALSO suck because as beings, evil or otherwise, they were incredibly weak. They couldn’t take light. So in the daytime, you were totally safe from a Sleestak. Also, they were slow as shit. If you were spotted by a Sleestak, you could basically sit back, relax and enjoy the film The Good Sheppard (it was long) before you had to worry about running away. In the rare instance they could get close to you, you could easily escape their clutches by “walking quickly” in the opposite direction.

They moved so slow because clearly they had asthma. How else can you explain the unbelievably loud breathing noise they made as they approached anything. They couldn’t sneak up on you, and most certainly couldn’t catch you in a foot race.

So in their bitterness for not ever being able to be out in the sunshine, and having really bad asthma, the Sleestaks tore a family apart. What a bunch of racist dicks.Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

1 comment:

MMayes said...

Sleestaks sucked because Detroit Piston Bill Laimbeer was a Sleestak.