Wednesday, January 26, 2011

What Sucks…The Hitler Mustache: A What Sucks Classic


Clearly, there is no reason for anyone to ever have worn one of these things post 19…let’s say 39 but really, it should have been earlier, like 1932, or 1929 when AH was starting to speak in the back of German beer halls, but fine, hindsight is 20/20. Here’s the thing about Hitler Mustaches- not only do they suck, but they really, really suck.

So, as mentioned above, no reason whatsoever to wear one of these things and for the most part, everyone has basically followed that rule. We are down to just a few people who wear the Hitler mustache publicly, and, I’m happy to report…




...most of them are fictional.

Very rare are the times one comes upon a purveyor of the Hitler mustache- and when that occurs, the wearer is usually shunned and generally seen for what they are, someone with either appallingly bad taste in facial hair, or someone who’s such a racist, they are unable to convey their hate sufficiently with words, they must also use whiskers.

So, yes, in that it has become emblematic of history’s most evil man, the Hitler Mustache, sucks.

However, it also sucks on another level. Consider this- Skinheads and Aryans, many of whom gladly tattoo their bodies with swastikas and other Nazi symbols, will only in very rare cases wear a Hitler mustache. Why? Because they also look ridiculous.

Think about it, in jail, you can impress other Aryans by giving yourself an iron cross tattoo, a painful procedure that involves lighting the tip of a pen and jabbing it into your skin, but still, that is more acceptable than just growing a mustache. The most evil man in the world had a silly mustache- we don’t even know if he had tattoos, but when faced with the idea of wearing one, it is a no brainer for Aryans and White Supremacists to go with the tats.

The mustache is so silly looking, even people who spend their days hating, won’t grow one, they’d rather permanently F up their skin - say one day they stop hating- they still have the tattoo. If they grew the 'stache, all they’d have to do would be to shave. Still, they chose to not look goofy. What a statement about the Hitler Mustache.

Who knows, if Hitler wore a cheese-dick goatee, would thousands of male New Jersey bar patrons be being wearing equally, chances-of-getting-laid-debilitating Hitler Mustaches as they headed out the door on a Friday night? I guess we’ll never know. Thanks Hitler.


The "Hitler Goatee"- things would be different now.
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1 comment:

Migrating Midwesterner said...

Just saw your post. Funny! Hitler grew a mustache because he felt it made him look more masculine and authoritarian. He didn't want to look like everyone else though, so he chopped off the ends. Meaning everyone thought he looked like a dick in '39, too.