Monday, January 24, 2011

What Sucks…Bad Guys From Movies Who Aren’t Really Bad: The Rodeo Drive Salespeople From “Pretty Woman”: A What Sucks Classic

So, I’m running a very high-end store on Rodeo Drive, in Beverly Hills, and a hooker walks in, wearing cut off jeans and thigh high whore boots, tells me she needs to “browse”, and I’m an asshole for throwing her out.

No, by all means, stay hooker. Stay in my $50 grand a month boutique and by all means, you know, make yourself at home. As a matter of fact, blow someone. Cause I’M a total douchebag for wanting you to leave.

I should absolutely let someone who gets paid to have sex with strangers, with her tits hanging out no less, walk around in my store. There’s no way you have a criminal record. Oh and, absolutely there is no doubt in my mind that my other customers, many of whom are decent, hardworking people, will have any problem shopping with a whore. Yeah, I think I read in Forbes last week that when given a choice of shopping at a place where whores walk freely, and one that keeps whores out, they chose night walkers every time.

Oh and you’re right, the next day, by all means bring your John into the store and have him be indignant when an entirely new group of salespeople aren’t swarming all over him with helpful service. Pardon them if initially they seemed to be shy, it’s just that they didn’t know exactly what you wanted to buy, because, well, we don’t sell syringes.

What’s that you say, sir? There’s not enough “sucking up”? Well, you’re the nicest “trick” we’ve had here all day.

Oh, You’re going to be spending an “obscene amount of money”? Well, sir, you’re with a hooker but not all of us have a price. Please leave before I call the police.

Here's roughly how the scene goes the next day when Vivian goes back to the original store:

WHORE: I was here yesterday, do you remember me? You wouldn't wait on me. Do you work on commission?



Big mistake. Huge.

Here's how it should have gone.

WHORE: I was here yesterday, do you remember me?

SALESWOMAN: Oh yeah, the whore? Can you please leave. Are you about to ask me if I work on commission? The answer is yes, but you see if I had you in the store, no matter how much I would have made on your sale, I would have lost regular customers because they probably would have thought we're the type of store that let's people who "cut" other people shop here. You see, I have to clear a certain amount a month to keep this place going, so one relatively big pay day, is not worth sacrificing the reputation of this store. You'll see, Larry Miller's store will lose a little business in the short term, but he's a franchise, so maybe he can afford that. We're a small business. And even on Rodeo Drive, we can't. Here's a number where you can get some counseling. Good luck.
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