Monday, January 03, 2011

What Sucks…2010

Well, pat yourselves on the back, people. It seems that in the time it took for the earth to travel around the sun we, as a race, have set new standards in sucking and coming from someone who lived through 2009, that’s saying something. Seriously, I didn’t think it could be done, but it was, fuckos, it totally was.

Hard to imagine 2010 sucking worse for anyone (save a few Pelicans stuck out in the Gulf of Mexico) then people who live in Haiti. Not only did they have to endure a horrific earthquake that at last count is responsible for the deaths of 300K people, but they have also had to deal with Sean Penn showing up there from time to time. “Excuse me, can you help me dig my brother’s body out from under the rubble…hey, is that Spicoli?” is not something any human should ever have to say. But certainly you didn’t have to be Haitian to feel suck in 2010, as a matter of fact, Haiti’s hell was brought on by natural disaster, the vast majority of the rest of us? Well, we only have ourselves to blame.

Like 2009, and 2008 before it, 2010 sucked on a whole new level. Put it this way, if 2010 was a movie poster, the tagline would be “Worse”.

This past year everything got shittier. Perfect example- Haiti. Haiti got worse. No offense to Haitians but Haiti kind of sucks- corruption, abject poverty, ah, FREAKY-ASS black magic and now…a horrific earthquake.

Politics got worse. Carl Paladino as a candidate for major office in any non-post-apocalyptic scenario is a disgrace. Shit, if David Patterson knew the Republican he’d face would be Paladino, he would of run- and that guy sucked! People were shooting guns in their campaign ads for Christsake!

Hate soccer? Well, let me introduce you to the vulvazela. Had the pleasure of walking through Times Square recently? How much more fun is it now that you have to worry that some asshole may be trying to blow it up?

As a matter of fact, check your score card- I’m pretty sure there was only one good thing done this year- getting a bunch of miners out of a hole- and even that took 33 days to get right. So yeah, 2010 gave us suck as a super-virus. 87 thousand people showed up to a Glenn Beck rally for Christsakes. By the fucking way, that’s not a misprint.

Well, let’s get to it- the detestable 10!

10) Joran van der Sloot

Continuing our theme of things getting worse in 2010, Joran van der Sloot, a repugnant and vile douche, in years prior, got worse in 2010. By the way, the dude also makes my year end list of people who have the largest Cojones in the world here’s why. On the 5 year anniversary of the disappearance of 18 year old white woman Natalie Halloway- a person he was caught on tape admitting to killing, what does this asshole do to celebrate? Pop a bottle of champagne you say? Perhaps spend a quiet evening reflecting with friends? No- let’s try KILLING AGAIN! This time the victim, Stephany Ramirez, who will be remembered for a lot of things, as well as not google-searching the dudes she goes out with. What is Van der Sloot’s pickup line by the way? “Hey, you a fan of Nancy Grace? No? Well then allow me to introduce myself!”

9) Pamela Geller

I think I hear some of you saying, “who?” Or are you saying “boo!”, to one of the most horrific people on the face of Allah’s green earth? If so, I understand as Gellar is one of the people behind one of this year’s most annoying and depressing non-controversies, the dispute over the “ground zero mosque”. Where, if you remember correctly, the Islamic community was really giving it to us as Americans by planting a flag and taking over…an old Burlington Coat Factory. Along with her blog, “Atlas Shrugs”, Geller is credited with starting not just one hate-group, but two (Freedom Defense Initiative & Stop Islamization of America- for those of you keeping score (the FBI)). But to say that Geller is an opportunist who spends her time trying to divide New Yorkers and aggravate the wounds of 9-11 for families who have lost loved ones and survivors, would also ignore her commitment to other bat-shit crazy endeavors that waste everyone’s time like the birther movement and stoking the fears of morons country-wide that Sharia Law is US bound. Pamela Geller is currently single by the way.

7&8) Sharron Angle/ Christine O’Donnell

When the dust settles on the depressing, Tea-Party impacted election of 2010 in which Democrats got their butt handed to them (albeit they have really no one to blame but themselves), I feel republicans will look at the way the Senate is laid out and say something along the lines of “shit, shouldn’t we have a majority there too?” Looking deeper into the question, they should then realize two very winnable elections they could have had were the Senate elections in Delaware and Nevada. Not only could they have taken those two seats, but they would have basically bitch-slapped Dems by taking over current Vice President Joe Biden’s old seat and also kicking out the current majority leader, Harry Reid. That would have been an ass-whooping for the ages. Unfortunately in those two races they ran psychopaths, people so crazy that even in an election where psychosis is an asset, Christine O’Donnell and Sharon Angle scared people away. I put them together because they kind of share the same “I-can’t-look-away/ grizzly car accident” quality. I don’t mean for you guys to mix them up though- Christine O’Donnell is the one who said she was a witch, and then said she wasn’t and that she was “you”. Sharon Angle is the one who thinks Mexicans are Asians. Christine O’Donnell was the one who thought that evolution was false because when you look at a monkey you can’t see the monkey begin to transform into a man. Sharon Angle is the one who thinks Sharia law was taking hold in Texas. Ah, get it straight!


In the past, I’ve pretty much kept this list limited to humans, but seeing as most of the humans on it are pretty close in genetic make-up to insect life, why not include an insect, thus, number 6 on the detestable ten, is the bed bug. Here are the facts: bed bugs live off human blood, they live in your bed, hatching eggs in the seams of your mattresses or in the box-spring of your bed and at night, they come out and feed on you. So, ah, yeah they feed on human blood, but somehow don’t wind up in any romantic movies- I guess they should think about attending high school and having their skin sparkle in the daylight or something if they want to be taken seriously. Yeah, Twilight fans, that’s a burn on you!

5) Lady Gaga

Lookit, I’m in show-biz, I know the drill. Do stuff to get yourself noticed- I get it. You want to be in people’s minds- have them talking about you at the water cooler. That said, Lady Gaga wore a meat-dress. A dress made out of meat. Are we supposed to accept this? Just act like it’s okay? If we do, what will happen next? I say fuck it. Getting attention from the media is one thing, what is she trying to do, get attention from tigers? I don’t want to live in a world where someone on a red carpet somewhere asks “who are you wearing?” and the answer is “Boars Head.” A fashion statement should be a bold, boundary breaking thing, not something that makes me ask “can I get that well done?”

4) Glenn Beck

An insane jag-off who can barely watch a card trick without tearing up, Beck this year held a “rally” at the mall in Washington, DC that was attended by a shit-ton of people. People, it should be pointed out, who traveled all the way to DC to attend a rally for a dude who used to be a Morning Zoo guy. So, if that’s not on G-d’s blooper reel, then I don’t know what is. By the way, Tony LaRussa spoke there too. Just saying. Dude, rides the steroid ridden Bash Brothers to a World Series title (while losing two other series to two teams that would have been considered inferior on paper), has a borderline mullet yet is considered some kind of baseball genius- why? Because he calls on four pitchers to get the Javy Lopez’s of the world out? Time to reevaluate. But I digress. Back to Glenn Beck. Oh, yeah, Beck’s “Restoring Glory” rally, which strongly suggests we’ve lost Glory- was held on the same day and at the same location as Martin Luther King’s “I Have A Dream” speech. Which at first I was bugged by, but then I realized that where MLK’s speech was a watershed moment for our country, and the struggle for the African American community to gain civil rights, who was I to deny the same watershed type moment for our country’s moron community?

3) Sarah Palin

Time for Sarah Palin’s entry. I know what you’re saying- only #3? Did Stalin and Pol Pot come back from the dead this year and make an album of Nickelback covers? Yes, I understand the sentiment, she is a tremendous piece of garbage. We’re talking about someone who vilifies Barack Obama for using a teleprompter, and then reads things off her own hand. Someone someone who said that we have to stand with our NORTH Korean allies, when, you know I’m not an expert of international affairs but if not enemies them, they’re at least frienemies. She also tried to blame the horrific oil spill on environmentalists, misspelled a word (repudiate), and then when busted on it tried to compare herself to William Shakespeare and supported a dude for the Alaskan Senate, who was such a piece of garbage, he lost on a WRITE-IN vote, to someone with a very hard name to write. So yeah, she blows. But who could have beat her?

2) …YOU

You watched a guy call a $5 Billion dollar penalty for BP Oil, who killed a gulf, a “shakedown” and you still voted for them. You are against allowing people of the same sex to marry because you worry about how you are gonna tell you kids about it. I worry about how I am going to tell my kids about you! You march against things like the estate tax, in service to people who have MILLIONS of dollars, and then when George Steinbrenner croaks, Hank and Hal don’t pay jack-doo-doo on their inheritance and you have to cough up more of your paycheck. You at first, didn’t give a shit about something called the “Ground Zero Mosque”, because maybe you figured it wasn’t at Ground Zero, and it wasn’t really a mosque, but you then gave in to the constant call from the media to be outraged, and wasted everyone’s time, while simultaneously giving cover to the real assholes who were out there ripping you off.


You stay away from the ballot box because you think that because President Obama didn’t get you free health care, he blew it. Nevermind that he insured 50 million more people and made it impossible for you to not get insurance due to a pre-existing condition. You think it should be free, so you got all pissed off when it wasn’t. You became complacent after your guy got in and allowed a completely made-up movement to steal the spotlight from you, after you moved in the direction of shaking things up. Now we all have to deal with old people who wear tri-cornered hats with tea bags hanging from them. Thanks, no seriously thanks.

Dishonorable mention: Brett Farve, proponents of Fracking, the development people who green lit “Bridalplasty”, Jan Brewer, Pastor Terry Jones, 92.8 percent of the people who wear fedoras, John Kyl who’s refusal to give 9-11 first responders medical coverage was astounding, anyone who engages in Cyber-Bullying and that goes double for any adult who does, the Supreme Court- specifically John Roberts, Scalia, Clarence Thomas and Justice Alito, and Andrew Breitbart.
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