Saturday, November 05, 2011

What Sucks...The Reaper

I think this just about says it all. Good night, sweet, irritable prince, good night.

Andy Rooney, RIP.
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Tuesday, October 18, 2011

What Sucks…Happy Birthday Sting!

Congrats on your age finally catching up with how lame you are!

Hey, who’s that guy with the lute? Oh, just some 60 year-old.

Hey who’d want to hear a symphony take all the fun out of some old Police songs? Oh, some 60 year-old dude!

Editors note: Happy BELATED Birthday, Sting.
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Monday, October 17, 2011

What Sucks…Yahoo Trending Topics Make Sense!

Yeah, I’ll buy that.

Clearly today’s Yahoo Trending topics tell a perfectly sensible narrative, let’s take a closer look.

Okay, NATALIE PORTMAN is talented and hot and would never talk to me ever, OLIVIA WILDE is even hotter, no chance for me there, oh shit today is BOSS’ DAY?! Something like that exists? Someone made a Boss' Day? I didn’t get him/ her anything- and oh yeah I don’t have a boss because I am unemployed and have more credit card debt than any other time in my life, holy shit LINDSAY LOHAN? Ugh. Let me take a look at my STOCK PRICES. Jesus Christ All Mighty, I’ll be living in a box in a week, what’s my favorite football team? Oh, the 0-4 MIAMI DOLPHINS? Great, and Tony LaRussa is in another WORLD SERIES? Yeah, I need DEPRESSION TREATMENT!

Yeah, totally makes sense.
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What Sucks…Monday Morning Links Martindale!

Been a while since a Links Martindale was sent your way. Well, here's one chock full of stuff you've probably seen in 1000 different places on the web, it's just what the doctor ordered, if you have a shitty doctor.

...Here’s a cool Stephen Malkmus and The Jicks video directed by Scott Jacobson featuring Jack Black and a few buds of mine, in small roles.

…My friend Chris Regan has written with me in a sketch group when we were younger, and now William Shatner, how does it feel to achieve all your dreams? Check out "Shatner Rules".

…Here’s some cool stuff about the subway via the Voice’s Running Scared…

...Adam Spiegleman is quickly becoming an authority on bad movies and @ProudlyResents has a kick-ass podcast, check it out here and subscribe.

...Here's a frightening and disturbing report about a pizza delivery dude turning someone in for weed. Can those who are smoking weed no longer count on ordering a pizza buzz-kill free? Jesus! (via @Bobpowers1)

...The Diabolical mind of Sharon Hardy might be behind The Staten Islander...

...And seriously, fuck banks.

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Friday, October 14, 2011

What Sucks…Remaking Footloose!

In the age of retardation we currently live in, I have a problem with people remaking movies without making it even APPEAR as if there are trying to get them right this time around. And I know Footloose isn’t the first, second or even 80,000th to attempt this and I ALSO know I am making this judgment call based only on the trailer, but if you are among the many people scratching their head saying “Why are they remaking Footloose?” well, get ready for them to remake it again because they’re not getting it right.

Bothersome Thing About first Footloose:
Town, in America, bans dance. BANS- by the way, doesn’t discourage it, bans. Like, you could go to jail if you dance.

Bothersome Thing About Remake of Footloose:
They ban dance again! This is America! You can’t ban dance. And you know the people who made the film feel weird about it because they go into it TWICE in the 2:30 second trailer above that kids were killed in a car accident and that’s why they are banning dance but hey- Dennis Quaid’s preacher character- those kids weren’t killed by a step-ball change! Looks kind of like BOOOZE may have contributed a little. Maybe ban booze, oh wait- as a country for those under 21- we DO ban booze. Stop blaming dance for your problems!

The Fix:
The banning of dance was definitely a weird thing about the first movie. Like, everyone knew it couldn’t be done- but okay, they tried to pull it off. Footloose was released in 1984, audiences were like, okay fine we’ll give it to you. But then to re-make Footloose and not fix the “banning dance” thing, ugh! To fix it you have to lose the concept entirely or, start the film with these simple words….
Present Day…
Kabul, Afghanistan.

Bothersome Thing About first Footloose:
Very weird, extended dance scene with Kevin Bacon in a warehouse. Yeah, okay this was like a pretty uncomfortable scene where Kevin Bacon’s character is so frustrated with stuff that he just has to grab a beer, drive off and GO TO AN ABANDONED WAREHOUSE TO DANCE! To a Bonnie Tyler song, no less! (It may be Moving Pictures, too lazy to look it up!)

You know G-d for freaking bid you were an impressionable young person who DIDN’T have an older brother to show him what was cool and what was incredibly gay, and let’s say you were very frustrated with how things were going in your life and decided to blow-off some steam “dancing” in a public place like that- it’s irresponsible film making!

Did the scene age well? No, but Footloose later became loved for its camp, so the original film gets a pass here.

Bothersome Thing About Remake of Footloose:
It looks like they do the warehouse scene again! Come on- what are you thinking?! Terrible job here! I’d freaking ban dancing too if I lived in a town where boys were showing up to warehouses and busting moves like that! Jeeezus.

Bothersome Thing About first Footloose:
Extended sequence where Kevin Bacon tries and teaches Chris Penn how to dance. Lookit, dudes don’t teach other dudes how to dance and they especially didn’t do it back then. That part of the country has line-dancing solely for the purpose of avoiding the awkwardness involved in this sequence. Again, though the movie became loved for its camp so, the original gets a pass.

Bothersome Thing About Remake of Footloose:
It appears that they go right back to the “dance teaching sequence”. Come on! Dudes, it’s 2011- no one ties a rope from their waist to another guy’s waist in a high school hallway- even the producers of Glee are like “That’s over the line!”. Just write in a section where Ren shows his buddy an “It Get’s Better” video and cut together another tractor race or something. Lazy filmmaking!

Other things I hope they’ve changed from first film- the attempted rape of the girl character by her first boyfriend. In the original film, doesn't Lori Singer have to knee a guy in the nuts to get him to stop trying to boink her in a parking lot in broad day-light? I don’t remember, but I think so.

Also, from the trailer I can’t tell if producers of the film brought back Kenny Loggins, Denise Williams or Bonnie Tyler for the music. If they HAVEN’T, then lesson learned but part of me feels they may have.

Footloose opens this weekend!
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Thursday, October 13, 2011

What Sucks…Depression Is A Bathrobe!

Behold the image above for the latest slap in the face to bathrobe wearers everywhere! WTF?!

The ad is for something called “Abilify”, which isn’t so much a depression med as it’s an “add-on” depression med, something to augment your pills- I think, it’s not 100 percent clear- what IS 100 percent clear however is how these people feel about bathrobes!

I didn’t think the public depiction of the bathrobe could get any worse- in movies, they are the go-to outfit for crazy people- you’ll find one in every scene in any film that takes place in a mental hospital. Also, want to depict someone as a horrible person and don’t have the time to set up a proper character arch? Put the dude in a bathrobe, and have him walk outside his house.

Oh look at this dude in bathrobe, clearly he is sick, insane or both.


This meme has to be reversed! Did you know Thomas Edison wore a bathrobe when he worked? Try finding that in the upcoming movie about his life where he’s played by Channing Tatum and is also a crime solving vampire!

Someone quickly needs to do something good while wearing a bathrobe while at the same time everyone must resist the urge to go outside and direct traffic while wearing one. Together we can change the image of the bathrobe!

(This post is dedicated to the late Vincent "The Chin" Gigante the great wearer of bathrobes in public/ delayer of his racketeering trial.)
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Wednesday, October 12, 2011

What Sucks...Check Out "The Substitute"

Get More: MTV Shows

The show I wrote for over the summer- 4:30 PM on MTV everyday- here's a video where we give back to the young people of America who make our country what it is.

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Monday, October 10, 2011

Friday, October 07, 2011

What Sucks…Margie J Phelps

Hey, you hatin' a-hole, next time you announce your intentions to go on another funeral protest- which are some of the most uncool things you can do by the way- this time for Steve Jobs, perhaps “tweet-it” from your blackberry, you jack-ass. By the way- how the hell do you have an iPhone? Who funds your funeral-protesting jaunts around the world and how come you cowards never protest the funeral of someone somewhere cold?

Call me, (on your iPhone 4S, I'm sure you'll get one, loser) when you go protest in Michigan in the dead of winter!

To everyone else, sorry I know these folks are depressing as hell, on a separate note, here’s something inspiring- that definitely could have gone much worse!

Have a good weekend, everyone except you, Margie, you’re a douche.

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Thursday, October 06, 2011

What Sucks…The Reaper

In the ongoing battle against all that sucks, in which the outcome by the way, hangs the very soul of our planet- the good guys took a major blow last night with the passing of Steve Jobs.

Jobs run as CEO of Apple is well documented and will be discussed thoroughly over the next few days by our shitty, shitty corporate-owned media. The many amazing items he created or spearheaded the creation of- the Mac, iMac, iPad, iPod, iPhone, etc. will be discussed at length. His legacy, however, of creativity and challenge- to both the people who designed for him and purchased his products- is what should be remembered most.

Jobs incorporated imagination into his products, and never seemed to take a cynical view of the people he was designing for. Try finding that now. He also faced adversity- being fired from the company he helped found, before being brought back to save it with the very creativity that lead to its birth. In between he found time to found Pixar and gave us Toy Story, Finding Nemo and the company that would release Wall E, The Incredibles, Up and many more amazingly thoughtful and challenging films.

He pushed the boundaries innovation and design and because of him, it is actually possible to think that people will respond to intelligence and imagination in a business model. People around the world today are using their Macs to edit, design, organize and tell their stories. They develop games and apps for their phones that make life simpler, more interesting and easier. In a world where our leaders so completely fail to work for the people who have sent them to lead, Jobs’ products have allowed many to lead themselves.

The term “visionary” has been used to describe Steve Jobs, and where that term may be misused often, for Jobs it seems to fit as the products he designed, inspired others and allowed others to create as well.

Steve Jobs was an extraordinary innovator who changed the world making it better for the future while honoring the best of our past and its incumbent on all of us, to be little cooler today, tomorrow and the next day to pick up the slack for his loss.

Steve Jobs, RIP.
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Wednesday, October 05, 2011

What Sucks…Quick Hits: French Divorce Settlements, Hollywood Walk of Fame, Banks, Cell Phones In The Subway

…French Divorce Settlements

A man is ordered by a French divorce court to pay his wife ten thousand euros for not having enough sex with her! The decision is expected to be appealed and is being watched very closely by the guy who married Joy Behar!

…Hollywood Walk of Fame

The Hollywood Walk of Fame says NO reality stars will ever be enshrined on Hollywood Blvd! Sorry future-Jake from Bachelor Pad, you'll just have to settle for sleeping there!


Charging for using your own Debit cards? Hey, we get it, you’re a-holes you can stop proving it every two seconds now!

…Cell Phones Working in The Subway!

Can you hear me now? Great, cause 15 foot rat just walked by me and it smells like pee down here.
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Tuesday, October 04, 2011

What Sucks Salutes Giant Balls…Dick Cheney

Just finished Cheney’s new memoir “In My Time” and SPOILER ALERT, he’s Luke’s father.

Seriously though, you have to admire the sheer girth of the balls on this guy. The dude takes shots at Colin Powell saying he tried to undermine President Bush in the build up to the Iraq War and also calls Condolezza Rice na├»ve for her dealings with North Korea. Dude- you were the worst VP in history- you were so bad that America was literally okay with JOE BIDEN replacing you! That is unprecedented! Also, you shot a guy in the face and didn’t notify police for two days! You’re lucky the name of your book is not “In My Time, In Jail!”

Do I have to say that Amazon lists people who bought this book also enjoyed Animal-snuff porn? Because I don’t want to use that construct to make a joke.

And sales-wise, I am being told that after an initial splash, the book is being moved to an “undisclosed location”, which in the publishing world is a nice way of saying “a discount rack”.
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Monday, October 03, 2011

What Sucks… Anwar al-Awlaki

Blown up over the weekend- ha, I love it. For those of you who don’t have your Al-Qaeda trading cards on hand (by the way, go with TOPPS, much better than Fleer) Anwar al-Awlaki is the guy often credited with coming up with the idea for the underwear bomber. Nice legacy dude!

By the way, memo to other al-qaeda:

Perhaps DON’T be the guy who is credited with coming up with the idea of putting explosives next to your junk, if your plan is, when you hit the after-life, to boink a shit-ton of virgins. These chicks are uneasy as it is! Adding the possibility of them having to defuse something Hurt Locker-style isn’t going to make the experience any less awkward!

By the way, can we say A-Qaeda is defeated now? I mean yes, they’re ruthless, murderous thugs, no doubt, but we’ve taken down the bad-asses of the group (KSM, OBL, etc) and now we’re dealing with an organization where the dude coming up with the idea of putting explosives next to your junk finds himself in the number three position? Their basically like Journey right now touring without Steve Perry and Neal Schon!

By the way- don’t think I didn’t try to shoe-horn a “I bet when he heard that drone missile getting close to where he was he made an ‘underwear bomb’ of his own” joke in here somewhere but couldn’t find the exact place to put it!

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Friday, September 30, 2011

What Sucks…I Don’t Know How She Does It

What? Continue to look like a cartoon horse?!

Get female romantic leads in 2011?

Eat an entire carrot while being brushed in a barn?!!

Join the fun in the comment section and remember, as always- don’t be racist! (There is no reason anyone needs to be racist, we’re making SJP jokes!)

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Wednesday, September 21, 2011

What Sucks…America’s Most Wanted

Is Lifetime really the best place for this show? Are we trying to track down criminal scum wherever they hide or dudes who say they’ll call, but don’t?!
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Tuesday, September 20, 2011

What Sucks…Two & A Half Men

Starting the season off at the funeral of Charlie Sheen’s character? Wow, how often art imitates what-I-can’t-believe-hasn’t-happened-yet-in life.
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Monday, September 19, 2011

What Sucks...…Dancing With the Stars

Chaz Bono? Nancy Grace? Rob Kardashian? Considering they’re in their 13th season, you’d figure by now just based on numbers alone these ass-clowns would have had to hire at least one star by now. Alas, no. 150 hires, all nobodies*.

*Once again, except the person who books the sports figures, who although they have had slip ups in the past (Rick Fox?) seems to be the only person to take the show’s title seriously. This show blows, but it rocks if I want to see some of the greatest players to ever play in the NFL dance.
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Monday, September 12, 2011

What Sucks...The Substitute! Watch This Show!

Hey- my new show debuts today on MTV starring the great Jon Gabrus (Mocap, LLC) check it out, will ya? Then write an email to MTV saying it changed your life (for the better!) Y'all wrote letters to keep Cagney & Lacey on the air- you can do it here too!

It's on Mon-Thurs at 4:30 PM! On MTV!
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Thursday, September 08, 2011

What Sucks…Madonna

People, people PLEASE! How many times have I told you NOT to give Madonna Hydrangeas! She “absolutely loathes them”. She doesn’t care if there’s an open mic, or if she’s being filmed, or if you had no way of knowing how much she hates Hydrangeas- she WILL shit on you publicly. PLAY IT SAFE- GO WITH SOMETHING YOU KNOW SHE’S INTO-

Much younger man penis. A few of them if you can. If they play in the NBA or even if they are an unknown personal trainer/ borderline street hustler- all the better.
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Wednesday, September 07, 2011

What Sucks...Peppermint Breeze Tea

"Peppermint Breeze"? When did we start naming tea after strippers?

That's it. Look, we're still in beta! All right, here's more and remember, you've seen it here 10,000th- one of my favorite comedians talks about my favorite comedian.

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Tuesday, September 06, 2011

What Sucks…This Guy

His name is Milijenko Parsarisas and I hope I am spelling that correctly though it’s not like he’s reading- he’s probably checking out “Eat-Prey-Love”. Again. Anyway…he’s spent over a million pesos (like 35 bucks*) to put 82 tattoos of Julia Roberts over his body. 82 tattoos of Julia Roberts! Mostly from her movies (although not from ‘Larry Crowne’ I mean come on, the dude's not crazy! Hanks on a Vespa? That's a movie now?)

By the way, a Milijenko Parsarisas Fun Fact: if he spins around in front of you really fast, you can see the first 20 minutes of Erin Brockovich! They're called boobs Ed!

Hey Milijenko Parsarisas- I know she’s a “Pretty Woman” (get it?) but not when I’m looking at her on your man-tit!

*denotes may not be true in today’s economy.
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Monday, September 05, 2011

What Sucks…Blog Note/ Site News

Holy crapola, it’s been talked about for months- the internet has been waiting with bated breath- when will WHAT SUCKS be back? And what the hell happened? Did suckage win? Were we, the 34 people who kind of come here every now and then, abandoned and forced to go it alone against all that sucks?

Well, what happened, as we all know, was that the economy went into the shitter because of Wall Street & the banks public sector unions, and I needed to get a job, bad. Just had a kid, selling my body wasn’t an option, so, long story short, I needed to stop as much of the writing jokes that wasn’t making money as possible, and get onto bringing home the bacon, or as my wife puts it, bringing home the turkey bacon. I’m not allowed real bacon anymore. Cholesterol. I digress. Mind you, I’m still broke, but come on, I had to get this thing up at some point.

So, as you can see I will be kind of slowly rolling out what I am trying to get the new “blog” or “site” to look like in beta form- hopefully the thang will be up in all its glory in a week or two, once I try and figure out what the hell I am doing. In lieu of the blog, I hope you enjoyed the Twitter feed, please follow me there at @WhatSucksBlog. They’ll be some funny stuff there as I know how to work it from my phone and do NOT know how to work the blog from my phone.

The “new” or “re-born” What Sucks will be a place to post some videos, links, etc as well as chronicle the battle against the suck. Also, as you know, I’m kind of open to posting videos you may have made- just leave a comment or send me a note at

All right, so, let the slow roll-out begin!
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Wednesday, August 24, 2011

What Sucks...Raptor Hunter!

Found this funny- may be a little long.

What Sucks coming back soon- I know, you've heard it before- this time I'm serious!
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Thursday, July 21, 2011

What Sucks...Lady Gaga

Gaga showed up at the airport in Australia yesterday wearing the above.

The balls. What, it doesn’t take long enough as it is to get through airport security? And you can’t blame the TSA people, the way this nut dresses, bombs could very well be an accessory to one of her outfits. Gags, sweats and jogging suits at the airport, just like the rest of us!
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Wednesday, February 23, 2011

What Sucks...Funny Web Videos: Meat Juice!

Ah yes my friends, it has been a long while since I have posted for you here and for that I am very sorry. It's just that I have been forced to take a job that has me up at the ungfodly hour of 8AM! (That's like never going to sleep o'clock for me) and I still haven't figured out how to be productive here while I'm doing that - not that I'm productive at the job either, just so you know. Anyway, until I get my shit together, which I will, enjoy this video made by a very talented editor, shooter, comic film maker and cool guy Vinny I work with right now. Not sure he'd want me to give his last name, as I am not sure he wants people to know I work with him. (He has standards). Anyway, it's called "Meat Juice" and I think after a few minutes, you'll know why.
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Thursday, February 03, 2011

What Sucks…The Tell Your Friends Movie Trailer!

Tell Your Friends is one of NYC’s preeminent comedy shows and has been for the vast majority of its existence (I AM HOSTING THERE THIS COMING TUESDAY NIGHT 2/8/2011!). Recently, Liam McEneaney- the show’s producer shot as FRIGGIN’ CONCERT FILM of the show and now, the first trailer for it has been released- check it out and check out the show’s website for more information!
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Tuesday, February 01, 2011

What Sucks…Facebook Is Way Off On “People I may know”: A What Sucks Classic

Who the hell does Facebook think I am? Why would they think I know convicted child killer Susan Smith? Do we have common friends? How is Ayman al-Zawahiri even on Facebook? And why would they think I know Nick Nolte?

Hey Facebook- you’re way off.
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Monday, January 31, 2011

What Sucks...Pizza Parties: A What Sucks Classic

I’m not missing anything here, am I? You’re just sitting around with a few people and eating pizza, right? No one’s dancing, no one’s getting laid- nobody’s wife is making out with the hot new intern? Yeah, I’m not impressed.

I’ll remain unimpressed until someone can answer this question for me, when I went to a crowded pizzeria this afternoon for lunch, was I at a pizza party? Cause, what’s the difference. A radio? Seriously, a pizza party? Really? Cause I heard at the last one hot Kim from marketing took her top off. Yeah, it was great, Vonnegut was there- and Jack White showed up with Mick Jagger- holy shit I did so much coke.

Seriously were the people who were at the last pizza party you went to even your friends? Did you even like them or were were you just there for the pizza? I’ll let you in on a little secret- pizza is readily available- stop selling your soul for a lousy slice taken out of a crappy, damp cardboard box. I don't go to pizza parties anymore and yes, I hate myself less. I’m not a child anymore. I can afford my own pizza- I have better things to do and you should too.

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Wednesday, January 26, 2011

What Sucks…The Hitler Mustache: A What Sucks Classic

Clearly, there is no reason for anyone to ever have worn one of these things post 19…let’s say 39 but really, it should have been earlier, like 1932, or 1929 when AH was starting to speak in the back of German beer halls, but fine, hindsight is 20/20. Here’s the thing about Hitler Mustaches- not only do they suck, but they really, really suck.

So, as mentioned above, no reason whatsoever to wear one of these things and for the most part, everyone has basically followed that rule. We are down to just a few people who wear the Hitler mustache publicly, and, I’m happy to report…

...most of them are fictional.

Very rare are the times one comes upon a purveyor of the Hitler mustache- and when that occurs, the wearer is usually shunned and generally seen for what they are, someone with either appallingly bad taste in facial hair, or someone who’s such a racist, they are unable to convey their hate sufficiently with words, they must also use whiskers.

So, yes, in that it has become emblematic of history’s most evil man, the Hitler Mustache, sucks.

However, it also sucks on another level. Consider this- Skinheads and Aryans, many of whom gladly tattoo their bodies with swastikas and other Nazi symbols, will only in very rare cases wear a Hitler mustache. Why? Because they also look ridiculous.

Think about it, in jail, you can impress other Aryans by giving yourself an iron cross tattoo, a painful procedure that involves lighting the tip of a pen and jabbing it into your skin, but still, that is more acceptable than just growing a mustache. The most evil man in the world had a silly mustache- we don’t even know if he had tattoos, but when faced with the idea of wearing one, it is a no brainer for Aryans and White Supremacists to go with the tats.

The mustache is so silly looking, even people who spend their days hating, won’t grow one, they’d rather permanently F up their skin - say one day they stop hating- they still have the tattoo. If they grew the 'stache, all they’d have to do would be to shave. Still, they chose to not look goofy. What a statement about the Hitler Mustache.

Who knows, if Hitler wore a cheese-dick goatee, would thousands of male New Jersey bar patrons be being wearing equally, chances-of-getting-laid-debilitating Hitler Mustaches as they headed out the door on a Friday night? I guess we’ll never know. Thanks Hitler.

The "Hitler Goatee"- things would be different now.
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Tuesday, January 25, 2011

What Sucks...Body Sushi: Perv Watch V.19: A What Sucks Classic

In’s continuing series on pervs who have a lot of money, (scroll down for the joke about the guy who paid 1.5 million for the Marilyn Monroe sex tape) today we look at the dude (usually some Wall Street A-hole) who pays $150 bucks (on the low end) to eat sushi off a woman’s naked body in a practice widely known as “Body Sushi”.

Now, not to generalize, but let’s face it, the Japanese are pervs. Don’t believe me, google “Japanese Game Shows” and “Naked Woman In A Pig Pen” and you get, well, more hits than you should. Also, they’re pretty much insane- click here. And here. And, well, just do the search yourself.

The reason I bring them up, Body Sushi came from them. Out there it’s called “Nyotaimori” but no matter what you call it, it begs on a few questions, like…

Question 1: How hard up for a woman’s naked body are you when you can’t wait till AFTER you eat sushi to go to a strip club and see a woman’s naked body? Sushi is expensive as it is, but shelling out a buck-fifty before you even get to order your Dragon Roll is insane. $150 dollar will go a long way in a strip club (ten, maybe fifteen minutes), and you’re just gonna throw it out there on someone you can eat a California roll off of? What a perv! Eroticism should never involve Spicy Tuna!

Question 2, and sorry if this sounds similar to question #1 but, who orders a maki-combo and says to themselves, “this would be better if I had wood.” Who?

Question 3, where do you put the Wasabi? That stuff, placed on the wrong part of the body can be deadly.

Sorry to be so harsh on the Japanese, but you don’t really see other cultures doing this with their food. I’m Italian, but I have never had, nor am I interested in “Body Chicken Parmesan”. I have many Irish friends, but never have any of them expressed any desire for “Body Corned Beef” and this isn’t even an Asian thing, as a google search for “Body Moo Shoo Chicken” reveals zero hits.

Hey pervs, eat Sushi off dishes, not people!Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Monday, January 24, 2011

What Sucks…Bad Guys From Movies Who Aren’t Really Bad: The Rodeo Drive Salespeople From “Pretty Woman”: A What Sucks Classic

So, I’m running a very high-end store on Rodeo Drive, in Beverly Hills, and a hooker walks in, wearing cut off jeans and thigh high whore boots, tells me she needs to “browse”, and I’m an asshole for throwing her out.

No, by all means, stay hooker. Stay in my $50 grand a month boutique and by all means, you know, make yourself at home. As a matter of fact, blow someone. Cause I’M a total douchebag for wanting you to leave.

I should absolutely let someone who gets paid to have sex with strangers, with her tits hanging out no less, walk around in my store. There’s no way you have a criminal record. Oh and, absolutely there is no doubt in my mind that my other customers, many of whom are decent, hardworking people, will have any problem shopping with a whore. Yeah, I think I read in Forbes last week that when given a choice of shopping at a place where whores walk freely, and one that keeps whores out, they chose night walkers every time.

Oh and you’re right, the next day, by all means bring your John into the store and have him be indignant when an entirely new group of salespeople aren’t swarming all over him with helpful service. Pardon them if initially they seemed to be shy, it’s just that they didn’t know exactly what you wanted to buy, because, well, we don’t sell syringes.

What’s that you say, sir? There’s not enough “sucking up”? Well, you’re the nicest “trick” we’ve had here all day.

Oh, You’re going to be spending an “obscene amount of money”? Well, sir, you’re with a hooker but not all of us have a price. Please leave before I call the police.

Here's roughly how the scene goes the next day when Vivian goes back to the original store:

WHORE: I was here yesterday, do you remember me? You wouldn't wait on me. Do you work on commission?



Big mistake. Huge.

Here's how it should have gone.

WHORE: I was here yesterday, do you remember me?

SALESWOMAN: Oh yeah, the whore? Can you please leave. Are you about to ask me if I work on commission? The answer is yes, but you see if I had you in the store, no matter how much I would have made on your sale, I would have lost regular customers because they probably would have thought we're the type of store that let's people who "cut" other people shop here. You see, I have to clear a certain amount a month to keep this place going, so one relatively big pay day, is not worth sacrificing the reputation of this store. You'll see, Larry Miller's store will lose a little business in the short term, but he's a franchise, so maybe he can afford that. We're a small business. And even on Rodeo Drive, we can't. Here's a number where you can get some counseling. Good luck.
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Friday, January 21, 2011

What Sucks…The Urban Myth Surrounding Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight”: A What Sucks Classic

Let me get this straight…

So Phil Collins is walking around one night and happens to see some guy drowning- and another guy watching him drown, and does nothing. Then, some time later- we don’t know how long- arranges to have the guy who watched the other guy drown, come to one of his concerts and sit in the front row, only to sing this song for him, hit him with a spotlight, and have the police take him away.

No way. I’m having trouble even picturing it. Here’s what it must have looked like.



…Seriously, dude. I’m getting very tired here. The water is cold…


…Dude! You’re looking right at me! Come on now!


What’s going on up there? That guy okay?


What is that man on the dock waiting for?


Okay, in the interest of being very clear here, I need help sir. My arms are getting very tired.


I don’t think you understand the severity of the situation…


Damn it, what is happening?

Are you mistaking me for someone who may have done you wrong in the past? Please, sir, what is it? Why won’t you help me?


That guy in the water definitely needs help. What is going on?


Well, I certainly hope you can live with yourself.



Holy shit! What the fuck?!! (YELLING TO THE GUY) Hey! What the hell man? Why didn’t you do anything?


Phil Collins? You are the best! I love like everything you do. Genesis is awesome- fuck Peter Gabriel and that weird make-up, you’re the man. I can’t wait to see Buster.

Really? (SCRATCHING CHIN) Hey, how’d you like a front row seat to my next show.

You’re kidding me? No way!

Here you go buddy.




Whoo! Yeah! Play Easy Lover! Yeah!


Here’s something I’ve been saving for a special occasion…


Billy Don’t Lose That Number! Yeah!

This one goes out to a very special friend I have out in the audience tonight!

A groovy kind of love! Yes!


What the hell is this?


I can see it…coming in the air tonight…hold on…


Little bit of a downer. (TO THE WOMAN NEXT TO HIM) I hate it when they do new stuff.


Whoa! (SHIELDING HIS EYES) What the hell is going on?

Well, if you told me you were drowning
…I would not lend a hand. 
I've seen your face before my friend
…But I don't know if you know who I am

Oh shit. Phil, no- wait, we’re friends!

Well, I was there and I saw what you did
…I saw it with my own two eyes…
So you can wipe off the grin, I know where you've been
…It's all been a pack of lies

Phil! No! Wait, the tickets- they were just a…who are these cops?


You should have helped that guy who was drowning.

Phil’s the guy who needs help- this is pretty passive aggressive.


I've been waiting for this moment for all my life! Oh Lord! 
I can feel it in the air tonight, Oh Lord! 
And I've been waiting for this moment ALL MY LIFE! OH LORD!

All your life? This just happened! What are you talking about! Did I even commit a crime?


Play One More Night!

Like you gave that guy who was drowning “one more night”?



I don’t know, maybe it did go down like that. In the movie Jeffery Tambor plays Phil and Tim Robbins is Eric, even though Eric is a much younger man than Tim is now.
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Thursday, January 20, 2011

What Sucks...The Sleestaks: A What Sucks Classic

Sleestaks suck on two levels. First, they were malevolent to Marshall, Will and Holly, forcing them to constantly live in fear, for basically no reason.

What did Marshall, Will and Holly do to the Sleestaks? Nothing. They just appeared, accidentally, in the Land of the Lost. They didn’t want to be there, clearly they were the victims of an earthquake and, as the name of the new world they had just entered indicates, lost. Yet the Sleestaks decided they were a threat and treated them as such. Why? Because they looked different? I’ll say it- they were fucking racists.

If the Sleestaks they didn’t have their collective heads so far up their asses, they’d help M, W & H get back home. What was the threat they posed? Did the Sleestaks think they were looking to take over their territory? With freaking T Rexes and monkey boys like Cha-ka eying Holly every chance they got? I don’t think so.

Incidentally, after studying the theme songs of the Land of the Lost Will and Holly’s family name seems to be Marshall, which means their dad (who ended up leaving TLoTL without his kids) was named “Marshall Marshall”. Which is unfortunate.

Back to the Staks. The Sleestaks ALSO suck because as beings, evil or otherwise, they were incredibly weak. They couldn’t take light. So in the daytime, you were totally safe from a Sleestak. Also, they were slow as shit. If you were spotted by a Sleestak, you could basically sit back, relax and enjoy the film The Good Sheppard (it was long) before you had to worry about running away. In the rare instance they could get close to you, you could easily escape their clutches by “walking quickly” in the opposite direction.

They moved so slow because clearly they had asthma. How else can you explain the unbelievably loud breathing noise they made as they approached anything. They couldn’t sneak up on you, and most certainly couldn’t catch you in a foot race.

So in their bitterness for not ever being able to be out in the sunshine, and having really bad asthma, the Sleestaks tore a family apart. What a bunch of racist dicks.Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

What Sucks…Guinea Worms Disease; A What Sucks Classic

Sometimes when something sucks, one just has to list certain facts about it to make the case about how much it blows. Like Chad Kroeger is the main song writer for Nickelback, or, the highest point of elevation on Staten Island is a garbage dump, or that George Lopez is Mexican (kidding! Seriously, that was a joke!)

The same can be said for Guinea Worm Disease, or as it is also known by fancy scientists, dracunculiasis, or by simple folks who are terrorized by it, the “fiery serpent” disease. Here are some of those facts…

Fact 1: The victim is infected when he/ she drinks contaminated water that contains a tiny water flea that itself is infected by an even tinier guinea worm. The worms mate in your intestinal walls and the females (the males die) continue to eat and grow inside you.

This is only fact 1. There are 3 other facts.

Fact 2: - The most common practice to treat this disease involves wrapping the worm around a stick as it boroughs its way out of your body through an open sore in your leg.

Fact 3: This “stick wrapping” process can take many days and up to a few weeks as worms can be as long as 3 feet oh and by the way, and if while wrapping the worm around the stick it should break, it could cause a fatal infection.

Fact 4: As the worm makes its way through the open sore on your skin, it causes a terrible burning sensation leading many to want to submerge their leg in some water. However, if a victim does this, the water serves as a signal to the worm to release its eggs, and thus contaminate what could be the entire water supply of a village by releasing millions of Guinea Worm larvae, which are then eaten by water fleas and, you know, then everyone gets the disease, circle of life, blah, blah, blah. PS- the water doesn’t solve anything- you still have to wrap the worm around a stick to get it out of your leg.

There are more facts but those are the highlights.

The person with dracunculiasis WISHES they had a tapeworm. They’d say- “Oh, if only this thing affecting me was a tape worm, this would be MUCH better.” They long for Elephantiasis. Gout would be like the greatest vacation they ever had.

Of course Guinea Worm disease mainly happens in Africa, a place vastly under-appreciated for sucking. Let’s face it, people there could die from this disease, get eaten by a lion or shot by a child soldier, and all live on the same block. Yeah, it’s beautiful, great landscapes- I know- but don’t kid yourself, they’d trade it all for a basement apartment in Buffalo in a second.
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Wednesday, January 19, 2011

What Sucks...Web Videos You Should Check Out

Friend of WhatSucksBlog and creator of Sully Baseball, Paul Sullivan hit the streets on San Francisco the other day to plead for Major League Baseball to pay attention to some team other than the Yankees and the Red Sox- the resulting video got picked up by NBC Sports and about a zillion other people picked it up- here's your chance to see it now, a day late!
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Tuesday, January 18, 2011

What Sucks...Journey’s “Separate Ways” Video: A What Sucks Classic!

A few questions, (25) come to mind while watching this thing.

Why the section where the band “air plays” their instruments?
Who in the band knew someone who owned a warehouse down by the wharf?
Why was the only girl they could find in the video a borderline Vicki Lawrence look-a-like?
Why put her in a white pleather jacket?
Why the sleeveless tee-shirt?
Why the extreme Steve Perry close-ups on “I wish you love” at the 2:19 mark?
How long was the dolly track the cameraman used on some of these shots? 30 yards? 40?
Why is there a section in the video where everyone is playing their real instruments, clearly not plugged in, except the drummer who plays a series of metal drums?
Why the keyboard on the wall?
Why do other band members pretend to sing the lead, when it is clearly Steve Perry’s voice?
What is with the “claw-like” hand motion dance the guy in the tweed jacket does right around the 55 second mark?
Why the creative decision to have all 5 band members back to back, standing on a pile of wood? They are all touching. This is around the 1:18 mark.
What’s with the “white guy fro” on the guy in the denim jacket?
Why is this girl just aimlessly walking around a wharf?
Who is the girl at the end of the video, in the bed, clearly it is not the girl in the white jacket, aimlessly walking around the wharf?
Why is this wharf empty except for the rock band Journey, and an early 80’s chick?
Was Steve Perry’s shirt sleeveless to distract from the fact that it has a purple checkerboard pattern on it?
Is it the bassist, or the keyboardist who looks the most like he’s in “Reno 911”?
Doesn’t Randy Jackson always say he was in this band? Where the fuck is he?
What’s up with the van driving by at the 1:37 mark?
Does the drummer have a shirt on that really says “foosball”?
Do you think he was really in the band or just a guy they found on the wharf?
Why is the girl in the white pleather jacket entering a warehouse, anyway (at 1:54)?
Who’s idea was it to chase Steve Perry through the wood platforms?
How is the girl at the end able to sleep if she is listening to the song that we are listening to, and if she’s not listening to that song, why is she wearing head phones to bed?

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What Sucks...Circus Peanuts: A What Sucks Classic!

Candy is supposed to be good. It’s supposed to make you smile. It gives kids fits because they love it so much that they try and eat as much as they can of it, then go crazy as sugar takes over their bodies and makes them insane savages for the next hour until it burns them out and leaves them in a collapsed, comatose state.

That’s what candy is supposed to do.

But WTF is a circus peanut? If it’s a candy- and it often is classified as such- who eats them? Who likes them? Are they ever not stale? Why are they seemingly only available in 24-hour gas station shop-marts and drug stores? Who are they being marketed to?

Something is up. We have a bad candy- that kids don’t like- that is never fresh- that is only sold in truck stops and drug stores- that are called Circus Peanuts. On top of all that- they don’t taste like peanuts. From everything I read (I’m not tasting these things for this study) they are banana flavored.

Why is there a market for stale, banana-flavored peanuts sold only at gas stations and drug stores?

And what’s the connection to circuses? I’ve been to circuses, I’ve had cotton candy- I’ve bought a light that I twirl around in a circle- but I’ve never eaten circus peanuts there. Shouldn’t they be sold at circuses?

If they’re in stores, someone must be buying them, right? But who? Have you ever been in a 24 gas station and the guy in front of you is getting circus peanuts for the road? Where is he going? Why won’t the Slim Jim just do? Have you ever been to a Rite Aid and watched someone pick up a pack after getting their prescription filled?

Some things that suck I don’t pretend to understand. Circus peanuts are one of those things. They must be stopped. They must be destroyed and removed off the face of the earth.
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Monday, January 17, 2011

What Sucks...Being A Fluffer: A What Sucks Classic

In part two of our continuing series on jobs that suck, today, we bring you “the fluffer”. Sorry about the image above, but google image search “Fluffer” at work and you get weird looks.

Over the course of my life I have had a number of crappy jobs. I’ve worked as a dishwasher at a Sizzler, and a camp counselor at a rich kids day camp in Scarsdale, NY. I temped for years, was a page, and a receptionist for 18 months at a place where being a receptionist was the worst job you could imagine, and where if I went public with what they paid me, Amnesty International would get involved. I even wrote for Craig Ferguson for a few months, but all those job experiences (except maybe Ferguson) pale in comparison to that of a “fluffer”*.

I’m being delicate here but…

“Preparing”, and by using that word, yes, I’m romanticizing it, dicks for sex scenes in porn, has to be a job one takes when the “Objective” line on their resumes says “to use the skills I have developed in hating myself to start a career.” I think it says something about a job when the only “worst job” you can think of, is a different version of that job. I.E…

…Being a “fluffer’ in animal porn.
…Being a “fluffer” on the set of “Rest Home: Fat & Mature Volume XVI”. (That’s 16!)
…Being a “fluffer” in live sex-show performance, “just outside of Tijuana”.

Some questions come to mind:
How do you reconcile a job like that? And nowadays with Viagra, is it even necessary? Shouldn’t there be a line drawn in the sand where “being old school” is not in the best interest of everyone? Is there a union? Is there a Local 4183 “Fluffers”? Does the AFLCIO recognize it? If there WAS a fluffer’s union, wouldn’t the 1st motion be to try abolish their own jobs?


UNION SHOP REP (his name is, I don’t know, Julius):
Brothers, the news remains grim. The major studios continue to refuse to honor our request to outsource our jobs…


…sitting across the bargaining table, I have pleaded with them- on how they can get workers in India and Pakistan to “prepare” dicks for a FRACTION of what it costs here!


…problem, as we all know, is that it’s difficult to get a client to “maintain” in between takes on a set, so there’s no way its gonna work during a trans-Atlantic flight!


Unlike autoworkers, we are together in our wish for a machine that could replace us. Scientists in Sweden and Japan are working tirelessly on this as we speak- but until they deliver, I pledge that we will not give up this fight to wipe this horrible gig from the face of the earth! I ask again you consider a work stoppage, but I know how much you need the money for your meth, so it’s pointless.


How does the fluffer deal? What does he tell him/ herself? “Well, at least this isn’t a “furry’”!

Maybe you have a “glass half-full” type of outlook. “Well, if I work hard and learn my craft, maybe some day I’ll be on CAMERA sucking off some stranger!”

Maybe you’re a fatalist…“Hey, perhaps this film will turn out to be snuff.”

*Disclaimer: “Not that I would know personally. The following is based on what I’ve read. Sartre. The early stuff. I’ll talk about that in another posting. “What-Sucks Jean-Paul Sartre’s ‘Fluffer Stage’” look for it.

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Saturday, January 15, 2011

What Sucks…Blog Note

Dear esteemed reader(s)!

After not posting last week, WhatSucksBlog will pretty much be in repeats this week, so that next week, I might bring you the much anticipated What Sucks…2010! You know that thing that usually takes my lazy-ass well into the next year to write about the previous year as to who and what sucked?

Anyway, it’s usually about 7000 words and so far I’ve written about 14 of ‘em, so time to get to work on it. Bonus was, this year where I usually take December off, I didn’t because I took so much time off most of the year. What Sucks? Me and my ability to post everyday! I will probably throw something up here sometime this week because, Jesus, the suck certainly doesn’t take a break.

So for today, and to recap last week suck-wise, let’s just say, ah…

What Sucks…Sarah Palin

…they weren’t “surveyor's symbols”. That argument is incredibly weak and Sarah Palin’s 2nd act of “handling” the horrific Tucson shooting where she released a Facebook video dropping the phrase Blood Libel, only adds bona fides to her assholishness. Seriously, could you handle this thing worse? Why not go all the way, take down the “takebackthe20” and put it back as “takebackthe19”?!

Also, let me just say that like most of America, I believe the guy who shot all those people in Tucson was and is mentally deranged. Look at his haircut. I mean through the years. He was not told by Glenn Beck or Sarah Palin to do what he did. He acted alone following the orders of the demented voices in his head.

Separately from that however, Sarah Palin did put Gabrielle Giffords’ district in “crosshairs”. Gabrielle Giffords was made to feel uncomfortable by it to the point where she spoke out about the imagery and language and now, 8 months later, she was shot in the head. So, yeah while we all seriously know Palin did not call for the shooting of this congresswoman or any others, ah, nice work on this whole thing nonetheless.

All right, so see you here and there this week, I’m still trying to get a full time gig somewhere so I while I want to throw down some killer posts in the way of the soon to be lost art of blogging (seems I’m gonna have to get a podcast pretty soon to try and remain relevant) I do have to balance that with the quest to feed my little boy something other than discount bologna.

I’ll also be experimenting with changing up the format you’ve all grown so fond of over the years because lets face it, blogger is looking more and more TRS-80 everyday. Also, in 2011- What Sucks Video! That I can promise because I’ve already cut and edited two of ‘em so, we’ll see who the big shot is!

In the meantime- please use the comment section to tell me if Tumblr is worth my time and I should get the F off this blogger thing for once and all.

All right, kicking off the repeats, what don’t we throw up (and literally throw-up) the granddaddy of What Sucks posts…What Sucks…Being a Fluffer!
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Friday, January 07, 2011

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Lohan Drinking At Rehab, Jersey Shore, The Jets, Our Government

…Lindsay Lohan Drinking AT Rehab!

I don’t want to say this chick is a drunk, but her favorite poem is "beer before liquor never sicker"!

…French Toast

Is cake! Who are we kidding- you’re having cake for breakfast!

…The Jets

Way to keep New York City headline writers away from their families during the holidays! Both the Post and NYDN are rising to the challenge, but can they keep up? What if the Jets win the Super Bowl and get to go see the President? Will we see Rex Ryan shaking Obama’s hand with the headline “Pleased To FEET Ya!”?

…Our Government

Nice. Old woman with frozen face and dead eyes, gives novelty gavel to guy with glassy eyes and orange skin. I feel better already.
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Thursday, January 06, 2011

What Sucks…Jersey Shore

There is a show long in re-runs on Nick Jr. called “Jack’s Big Music Show”. It’s very funny and positive and features very talented musicians including a guy who many of you may have heard of, but many more may not have named Andrew Bird. Andrew Bird is a super talented musician who can play a shit-ton of instruments.

Anyway, for some reason Jack’s Big Music Show is not on the air anymore. They only did I think 2 seasons. My guess is it probably has something to do with money- either Nick didn’t want to pay the people who make the show, or it was too expensive, etc. The bottom line is, this sensitive, funny, show that encourages kids to love music and teaches them positive themes in a very positive and fun manner, has no shot of being on the air, and the assholes you see above- are on their way to being millionaires.

Nice job, mankind.
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Wednesday, January 05, 2011

What Sucks…Chris Christie

New Jersey's Governor is attacking state workers pensions (which have been raided by who in the past? Oh yeah, the government!) with such gusto and trying so hard to make them seem like the bad guys that people are calling him NJ’s Ronald Reagan, now I don’t know how fair that is because I do NOT think Christie has traded arms for hostages yet so, Reagan? Not so sure, sorry.

I will say I see some Taft in him!

Separated at GIRTH! Whoo-hoo!

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What Sucks…Shows About Pawn

Hardcore Pawn? Pawn Stars? You’re trying too hard! What’s next, a show about a place that sells a kid’s old toys entitled “Child Pawn”?! Keep it up America, you’re watching shows about pawn at such a rate, a market for TWO has developed!

Own a pawn shop and are looking to get on TV? Move fast- I think we all know the second it becomes legal to sell guns on eBay, you’re out of business!
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