Friday, December 31, 2010

What Sucks…The Jets: Perv Watch Vol. 34


Okay, so earlier in the year the a few members of the Jets cat-called a super hot Mexican reporter and made her feel so uncomfortable she filed a report about it. At the time, with one of their own feeling threatened, the media responded in force and by that I mean basically called her a slut for wearing what she wore in front of football players which basically amounted to really tight jeans. Whatever, it passed I suppose.

Then, revelations popped up that a future Hall of Fame quarterback, guy who has played 20 years in the league, 15 of them glory-filled with Green Bay, the last few with the Vikings pretty much without sexual incident, plays ONE year with the Jets and finds himself texting pictures of his junk (while wearing crocs) to some female sideline reporter- again, who’s hot- to the tune of a 50K fine from the NFL.

Coincidence? Maybe.

Then.

Then.

THEN.

The team’s Head Coach, the head coach of the New York Jets, or HC of the NYJ if you’re Bill Belichick, Rex Ryan apparently is a foot-fetish video with his wife.

Warning:NSFA (Not Safe For Anything)



Lookit, where there's smoke, there's fire. Where there are foot-fetish vids, there are pervs. The Jets: huge pervs.


Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

What Sucks…Little Fockers


Put it this way, if you take away the jokes that reference the name Gaylord Focker, or the word “Focker” in general and lose the DeNiro pointing to his eyes and then pointing to Ben Stiller as is to say “I’m watching you”, the entire TRILOGY is 19 minutes long. And I say this as someone who did not and will not see the third movie. Ooh, they brought back the Owen Wilson character from the first one? Great. How bout the stewardess who (reasonably) wants Ben Stiller to check his bag? By the way, didn’t Robert DeNiro and Dustin Hoffman battle it out for best actor one year when one did Deer Hunter and the other was in Kramer Vs. Kramer?
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

What Sucks…Hef Getting Engaged!


He’s 84, she’s 24- this ain’t no May/ September romance- cause, say it with me America- he may not make it that far! For those of you who are interested in giving them a gift, the couple is registered at Williams-Sonoma and, say it with me again America, the Los Angeles County Morgue! This shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone cause on Crystal Harris’ centerfold in 2009 listed as turns ons are- “old man smell”, “sipping Ensure by the fire place” and “long walks on the beach” (they always like long walks on the beach, don’t they?)

I know what you’re saying – why am I so anxious to “poo-poo” their love? Why can’t I be happy for a couple who have decided they want to spend the rest of their lives together? (Well, one has said he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, the other will have about 6-8 weeks eaten up.) What could they possibly have in common? They barely have breathing in common! Does Hef even know her from the magazine and if so, when did they start making Playboy in large print?

Come on, join in on the fun in the comment section and as always, please don’t be racist, although with a really old rich dude marrying a very young bimbo there should be no reason to!*

*denotes Internet commenters always find a reason.
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

What Sucks…Quick Hits: The Blizzard, Plastic Knives, Egg Nog, Mick Hucknall


…The Blizzard

Hey snow, besides paralyzing the largest city in the world for what is going on 3 days now, you somehow managed to cover a subway platforms which are inside and underground. We get it, you can crush us at a moment’s notice.


…Plastic Knives

Thanks for being the opposite of a Ginsu, I had trouble getting through a banana the other day.


…EggNog

Nice beverage! Gotta love a drink where there's a neck and neck race between getting hammered and becoming pre-diabetic!


…Mick Hucknall

Says he slept with 1000 women (that’s 3 a day!) from 1985 and 1987! Simply Red? More like his junk is (say it with me, America) simply red as a dog’s penis!Look at this guy- are you kidding me? This is one of those metric system things, where the real number turns is 3, right? I heard the number would be even higher if he was allowed to include guys!
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

What Sucks Presents…Christmas A-holes: The Inn-Keeper In The Nativity Story (A What Sucks Classic)


Yes, I know you are busy forcing your tongue down someone’s throat who happens to be standing under mistletoe, and yes, Christmas is the time to celebrate good will for all men and to wish for “peace on earth” and all that shit, but you also have to admit, as a time of year it can really bring the dicks out of the woodwork.

The Great A-holes of Christmas: Volume 2: The Inn-Keeper In The Nativity Story!

So everyone basically knows the story of the first Christmas as it pertains to the birth of the big Jeezy (Jesus). Mary, Jesus’ mom and Joseph, the guy who was with Mary when she was “knocked up by the Holy Spirit”, had to leave their hometown because there was a census and thusly had to make a journey to a town named David.

The journey was taken on donkey-back, under the famously bright star of Bethlehem. We all remember the angels trumpeting the arrival of Jesus to the shepherds, and the 3 Wise Men making the trek to see the Baby Jesus with their gifts, but lost in the shuffle for far too long were the actions of some of the most underrated A-holes in all of Christmas lore- the inn-keepers of Bethlehem.

Let me paint the picture for you, a PREGNANT WOMAN, ready to pop, sitting on a donkey is outside your hotel, having traveled many miles to get there, and each one of you a-hole inn-keepers are not only telling her you have no room at your inns, but one of you tells her to go to your barn. A barn!

Dude, that’s Baby Jesus, you’re sure you don’t have any room? And even if you’re not buying into the whole “a Savior is born tonight” thing, this woman is clearly 39-40 weeks pregnant and the best you can do is a manger?

I know they didn’t have a reservation and yeah, it was the holidays and all, but you’re telling me you were okay with sending this chick to lie in some hay, next to a donkey?

Poor Joseph by the way, the guy just walked across Israel, with a mysteriously prego-wife, and now he’s got to tell her that they’ll be staying with a goat.

JOSEPH: Yeah, can I get a room?
INN-KEEPER: No room at the inn.
JOSEPH: But, this is the Son of God.
INN-KEEPER: Oh, the Son of God? Why didn’t you say so? (INN-KEEPER HITS BELLHOP BELL) Hey, Johnny, please, show these people to the “Son of God Suite”.
JOHNNY THE BELLHOP GUY: Son of God suite?
INN-KEEPER: Yeah, you also know it as the manger. (TO JOSEPH) It’s where we keep all the saviors. HIT THE BRICKS!

Did the inn-keeper have to be such a dick? How awkward was it when the 3 Wise Men came by?

WISE MEN 1: Yeah, had a hard time tracking you guys down, didn’t really think to check out the mangers. I mean, they said humble beginnings but I was thinking more “Red Roof Inn” than petting zoo.

WISE MEN 2: Yeah, I brought you some myrrh, but it looks like what you guys really need s an upgrade! Ho!

Merry Christmas everyone and Happy B-day Jesus! As is the case I’ll be posting very infrequently until the New Year because I’m getting my drink on, and also getting ready for the annual Year In Suck posting. Thanks for reading and don’t sit on your (Christmas) balls!
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

What Sucks…The Reaper

And then there were four.

The reaper who like Vader hunting down the remaining Jedis, is taking his sweet-ass time to getting to the cast members of Barney Miller, has another trophy for his sick mantle. The deadpan and droll Steve Landesberg, a gifted comic who most recently was in “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” but who will always be remembered for being Lt. Dietrich on Barney Miller a show whom most cops will tell you was the most realistic cop show ever made (sorry Cop Rock).

So what started with Soo, has now brought us to Dietrich. Glass, Gail and Linden- you carry the fire. Vigoda, may you live forever.

Steve Landesberg, RIP.
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Monday, December 20, 2010

What Sucks…Quick Hits: The Giants, The NY Post, Commercials With Bows on Cars, Charlotte Martin


…The Giants

Worst loss I may have ever witnessed, worst of all is that it comes against the Iggles. 21 points in 7 minutes? Here’s my question for Big Blue- can you sign Sal Alosi to help out with special teams?


…The New York Post

Look, I’m upset at the loss too but, come on- is putting dog heads on the players chasing Michael Vick totally necessary?!


…Commercials With Bows on Cars

Unemployment is at 10 percent- who the hell is getting a car for Christmas this year? Hey Auto-Industry, it’s a recession- I can’t even afford the bow!



…Charlotte Martin's Version of "Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town”


Welcome to our newest feature, calling out people who do shitty versions of great songs on Youtube- you may remember this blog was on the forefront of asking people to not do Bruce songs with mandolins, well, now join me in asking Charlotte Martin- who’s hot by the way, to cut the shit with this great Pearl Jam song. Holy shit, WTF? and hey cut it out, to you Charlotte Martin!
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Friday, December 17, 2010

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Wikileaks, The TSA, Airlines, Larry King


…WikiLeaks

Too scary? Too revealing? Or, with this latest release- "Ahmadinejad hangs to the left- both meanings!" Both?!


…TSA

Getting out of hand- last week not only did they demand everyone submit for a pat down, but for couples going away on their honeymoon they demanded the rite of Prima Nocta!


…Airlines

As we are now adding “being felt up” to our already nightmarish travel experiences, turns out the airlines made a cool 900 Mil last year on baggage fees. You may have to pass through a humiliating pat down to get on a plane folks, but I don’t think there are any metal detectors outside the office of airline CEO’s hint, hint. (Blog disclaimer, I am not suggesting you go to a Airline CEO's office with a gun, everyone. A knife is a much better weapon in many circumstances!)


…Larry King

Congrats on your retirement, here’s to you- enjoy the golden year. That's right A-MORE-ica, I went there.
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

What Sucks…Funny Web Video: “Merry Christmas You Bastard”


Check out this cool song thrown together by the very talented and funny Jon Murray and sung by Mark Hoppus and Ben Folds over on Fuse’ cool new music show “A Different Spin”. The season’s last episode airs tonight at 7PM EST –I kind of just finished up a very short stint working there and if you’re a music fan they seem to know their shit- although no one could answer any of my questions about bassa nova.
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

What Sucks…Rock & Roll Auctions


I’ve never been comfortable with idea of collecting Rock & Roll memorabilia- I mean, come on- what are we, trying to turn our homes into a Hard Rock Caf├ęs? You do that and the next thing you know, you’re saying “Hey, there’s Pete Townsend’ nutsack, wait a minute- how much did I pay for this burger? This thing sucks!” I’ve seen it happen.

But after reading about this auction last week in Beverly Hills, and some of the prices people paid, I have to say, holy shit- are we losing our minds? I thought we were in a recession.

Apparently, someone paid 330K for a single Michael Jackson glove- honestly, the lengths to which fans of boy DNA Michael Jackson will go to have something that once belonged to him are amazing. 330K!!! The Fredrick Krueger glove has better karma than that thing and you’re gonna put it in your house? To do what, scare away the ghosts of a Ed Gein?!

Other items that went up for sale were a jump suit worn by Johnny Cash- 50K. 50K!!! Are people losing their minds? Jump suits, first off should not be worn by men, period. But paying 50K for one?

A jacket worn by John Lennon went for 270K. Michael Jackson’s “Beat It” jacket went for 96K and an MTV Award for We Are The World went for 72K!

Let’s think about that for a minute- if you’re THAT big a fan of We Are The World, you know, maybe some of the SEVENTY TWO GRAND you’re gonna pay for a Moon Man, you know could maybe be donated to fight world hunger?!

And who’s buying this shit? Most chose to remain anonymous- I can totally understand why no one wants to be associated with the phrase “…25K for the Bay City Roller’s Roller Skate, going once, going twice- sold to the person clearly not effected by the recession!”
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

What Sucks…Politicians Listing The Amount Of Pages In A Bill


I don’t know, maybe file this under pet-peeves, but any politician who lists the amount of pages in a bill- something normally done when they are shitting on the bill in question…should go fuck themselves.

“Obama released his health care bill, all 955 pages of it…”

Really? The bill where congress begins the process of making it illegal for health insurance companies to kick you off their rolls if you should get sick, the bill where they make it illegal for companies to deny you coverage due to an existing condition- the bill that makes it possible for a shitload more people to get coverage so they DON’T have to go to an emergency room for treatment where treatment costs the MOST- really, they weren’t about the get all that on one page?

The new omnibus bill is 1900 pages long? They couldn’t fit it on one page? The fucking budget? Wow, shocker. Hey, I have an idea- why don't you fucking read it, you assholes!
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

What Sucks…Humans!


Panda’s know how bad the stain of human contact is, these are people trying to HELP them and still they have to dress up as Pandas in order for the Pandas they’re trying to help to have a chance on the outside.

Sure, scientists say that if they DON’T dress this way, then Pandas become “too dependent” on them. I think it’s a nice way of saying that once touched buy a human being- a being capable of making a racist snowman, they basically say, fuck it- I’m as good as dead in the wild.

By the way, hey scientist guy- you look ridiculous!
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

What Sucks Presents: Just In Case You Thought The Human Race Was In Any Way Redeemable, Vol 4: Racist Snowman!


Nice job, dude in Idaho, way to make a snowman racist. Seriously, not enough for you that snowmen are already all white, you have to add the hood and the noose? Quick question, loser- and be honest- did you go to the noose after first trying a burning cross, only to have the flames melt your snowman? You did, didn’t you? Way to go, humanity! No wonder Pandas won’t screw if they are touched by a human! Stories like this make me feel the same way!

Which incidentally leads me too… (the above story- haven’t figured out scrolling yet!)
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Monday, December 13, 2010

What Sucks…TLC (The Learning Channel)


BLOG NOTE: I know this happened last week but I do need to post it now, because, let’s face it, seldom has something been so rife with suck.

Sarah Palin AND Kate Gosselin appearing on the same show? What I am I learning here, how to hate my TV screen? What audience is this aimed at, secret-cutters looking for new ways to hurt themselves? I heard this episode got a 40 share among Opus Dei sect members bored with flogging!

What was this episode called, “Sarah Palin’s Alaska, The Rest Of The World’s Worst Nightmare”? Jesus, I heard when Kate and Sarah showed up at the same campsite, 3 moose approached Palin ASKING to be shot.

This was weird- 10 minutes after Palin appears on screen, Kate’s kids said they were ready to give their Jon a 2nd chance- 5 minutes after that Piper, Track, Willow and Figg ask if they can get in on the action! I’m not even sure Figg is the name of one of her kids, but admit it, for a few seconds there, you thought to yourself- “hey, maybe I missed one…?”

Ah yes, readers, come, join the fun- some douchenut somewhere thought that it might be a good idea not only to give Sarah Palin a show, but to have Kate Gosselin appear on that same show. This is cable that YOU pay for by the way! The comment section is open, and as usual, don’t be racist!

I heard if ratings for this episode are good, TLC has plans to come to your house and punch you in the balls!

3 separate times the closed caption guy said “if only you were blind too!”
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Friday, December 10, 2010

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Mediocre Joke Clear-Out Edition: Busting Willie Nelson, Grey’s Anatomy, Elizabeth Edwards, Bob Dylan


…Busting Willie Nelson for Pot

Seriously? We’re still bugging Willie Nelson for pot? Yeah, I hear pot is a gateway drug for Ensure! (Sorry left this joke out of my Willie Nelson post from earlier in the week.)


…Grey’s Anatomy

Will apparently do a musical episode! Hey Grey’s Anatomy, don’t go trying to improve on your realism now! (Sorry, I don’t usually like to post jokes from my Entertainment Weekly ‘Hit List’ submission packet, but this one was too good to pass up- also, it doesn't matter cause one of the cast members fucks a bassist in the band playing the music off camera totally breaking the 4th wall!)



…Elizabeth Edwards

Rest In Peace and take comfort in knowing that in the end you were home with those you loved most AND John Edwards.


…Bob Dylan

Opening an art show in Denmark that feautres 40 original paintings…I wonder if he’ll be showing his “Mmh-nah-dihn ah” from his very prolific “Hown- Nih- Di FLIN” period. Only kidding, you probably only sing in a way that is un-understandable! PS, WhatSucksBlog.com has obtained a picture of his latest self-portrait, check it out here!

Toldja they was mediocre!
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Thursday, December 09, 2010

What Sucks…Funny Web Videos: The New Face of TSA


Last week, I told you all to check out a Tru-TV’s Dumb as Blog video that I thought was funny. Did you? Maybe, maybe not. Did your life change? I don’t know. This week, guess what- I’m telling you to check out another one. These dudes are on fire. Seriously, they are forming the 2nd best comedy-writing/ video producing team out there- sorry Dumb as Blog guys, no one is close to the people who make the commercials for Geico- those fuckers are simultaneously running the gecko/ Geico CEO at insurance conference commercials AND the Mike McGlone rhetorical question series featuring Randy Johnson throwing snowballs and an entirely different one with the guy from Full Metal Jacket as a shrink- this is after doing the “Who’s Watching Me” campaign with the eyes AND the fucking Caveman thing that ended up as a TV show. I’m not even mentioning the ones where they had Peter Frampton tell the story of a normal person’s experience with Geico- holy shit, these guys are the new Show of Show writers! How can those fuckers still be saving me money when they pour so many resources into their commercials! Why are the fucking around with commercials- they should be making film!

I digress, watch this video.
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

What Sucks…Arresting Willie Nelson For Weed


Seriously, copper, you may have solved the case of the country music legend/ long time weed advocate who was holding, but I think I solved the case of squarest narc ever. Great police work by the way, what tipped you off, that you were looking at Willie Nelson? Seriously, thank you – the streets are much safer now, let me give you a tip- I think Snoop Dogg may have weed on him too. And possibly there are drugs somewhere around Keith Richards, Sherlock. Perhaps after that, you can arrest the ghost of Bob Marley.

Of course Willie avoided getting a felony arrest, but seriously I don’t even think misdemeanor charges will stick, isn’t putting Willie Nelson on a tour bus in the first place entrapment?
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

What Sucks…Obama


Congrats Steve Forbes, Larry Ellison, The Koch brothers, the people who own Walmart, and Oprah!

Nice work, Obamsky, you control 2 thirds of government and you can’t hold the line on tax cuts for billionaires? Well, at least Mark Zuckerberg can afford that other 'off-grey" hoodie he had his eye on now.
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Monday, December 06, 2010

What Sucks…The Washington Nationals


What, does EVERYONE overspend in Washington? (Thank you, it was my pleasure to be the 6 thousandth to make that joke.) Hey Nats, Jayson Werth is not Babe Ruth- Jesus! 7 years?!

I know the Nats aren’t exactly the best franchise out there but 7 years is incredible- I mean with a real front office in Washington the only way this guy could get 6 is if he ran for Chris Dodd’s seat!

Let me speak for DC fan(s) everywhere when I say, thanks for allowing us to watch this guy grow old in the outfield. Jesus, he’ll be in Washington longer than Mark Rubio!
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Friday, December 03, 2010

What Sucks...Try Enjoying Your Life After This


Let It Be is a "private video" now, so enjoy We Are The World.

I know, I know - please stop with the private emails- there's no Alan Alda?
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Thursday, December 02, 2010

What Sucks…Funny Web Videos: Old People News


The always funny Kevin Maher has put together another batch of the wildly successful Old People News- the above is just one episode, so check out Old People News On Atom.com for more.

You had me at mocking the elderly.
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

What Sucks Salutes Our Picture Caption Contest Winners!


Congratulations to Kristine Zeldon of Tenafly, NJ who submitted…

“…but why would someone try and bring explosives to heaven?"

“Lady, for the 4th time, you’re headed to Sarasota. You live there. You son will pick you up at the airport.”

“Bobby?”

“Bobby died. Remember? Action Park- in New Jersey, 1988?”

“Are you Bobby?”

“Sigh.”


Nice job Kristine, thanks for going the extra mile on that one- and everyone else, be on the lookout for more contests where you can win valuable prizes*!

*denotes if you include me saying “way to go!” as a “valuable prize”!

Nice job Kristina, and everyone else, be on the lookout for more contests where you can win valuable prizes*!
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!