Thursday, October 28, 2010

What Sucks…John Boehner


If you’re like me, sometimes you need over 307 reasons to not to like someone. Thank god, noted douche John Boehner goes that extra mile to make sure you have your reasons. His latest? This asshat will appear alongside, “stumping” as it were, for Ohio House Candidate AND ADMITTED NAZI REENACTOR Rich Iott.

Hey asshole, Nazi’s blindly hated and tried to exterminate Jews, Gypsies and homosexuals among others - think what they would have tried to do with people who were inexplicably orange!
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Wednesday, October 27, 2010

What Sucks…Wednesday Morning Links Martindale!


…not sure if you heard but a very large section of Hoboken, just kind of, well, sank into the sea- alright, the Hudson River. Now, of course, it has a twitter feed @HobokenSinkhole.

UPDATE the sinkhole is now campaign for write-in votes for a council seat at Hoboken’s City Hall



…If you haven’t seen this yet, check it out- via the awesomely talented Michael Bernard, these kick-ass commercials featuring a menacing panda.

…I was in LA for a few days last week and I’ve been plugging the hell out of this guy’s podcast about talking shit about horrible movies- I was in town- don’t get why he didn’t call me to do the Ed Harris/ Melanie Griffin vehicle “Milk Money” I may have to do it myself. This is Proudly Resents…

…Halloween is coming up so before you dress yourself as a sexy Chewbacca?, buy this book as a gift to someone who has invited you over their place to a party. It’s written by two of the funniest people you’ll ever want to meet Ritch Duncan and Bob Powers. Also, Ritch was a Werewolf for 13 years (Teen Wolf was based on him, accept they added that shit about basketball- Ritch’s thing was macramé.) Werewolf’s Guide To Life.

…Pretty awesome attack ad via the great Warming Glow.
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Tuesday, October 26, 2010

What Sucks…Charlie Sheen


Yes, sure Charlie Sheen got coked-out of his mind and trashed a hotel room in NY (Congrats Charlie- 15 consecutive scandals involving coke!) but let’s not lose sight of what matters here- and that is no hookers were harmed! I think the guy has finally perfected it- way to go Charlie!

Also, to be honest I think at this point any time any hooker is called on a job she has to assume there’s a chance it will be for Charlie Sheen so that kind of preparation I believe can go a long way as well.

For what it’s worth his publicist says he “reacted badly” to an “unspecified medication”. Yeah, cocaine. Its not that unspecified, dude. The statement can read “Charlie Sheen reacted badly to cocaine.” You can be honest here, we know.

Additionally, I this particular Sheen fuck up comes on the 12th anniversary of someone making the joke where they say, if sentenced, Sheen faces 2 and ½ Years in prison!!!!

All right everyone, we’ve had our fun and just in case Charlie Sheen is a reader- next time you get arrested (and do no jail time) wear a green hat and I’ll know that one is for me!
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Monday, October 25, 2010

What Sucks…Halloween For Dogs!


Lookit, Halloween is for kids, gay dudes and chicks who want do the whole “I’m gonna dress like a ridiculous slut” thing once a year. (Really? You're gonna tell your mother you went as Pac Man that year? Shame on you.) It is not for dogs! Look at this poor little bastard- adding insult to injury, whoever did this to him is clearly a racist.

Also, if you’re gonna dress your dog up, shouldn’t it be as a famous dog? Check out how this dog lover dressed their dog as Lassie.

First, real Lassie…


Now, DRESSED as Lassie. Incredible.

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Friday, October 22, 2010

What Sucks Presents…What Sucks Weighs In On Juan Williams Controversy!


After much thought and consideration, WhatSucksBlog feels duty bound (underrated funny phrase) to add this to the ongoing, raging debate….

Who gives a shit?
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Wednesday, October 20, 2010

What Sucks Exclusive: Vilanch Now Communicating Mostly Through T-Shirts


In a story being followed closely by WhatSucksBlog, comedian and flamboyant Hollywood writer Bruce Vilanch, famous for being comedic hired gun for stars such as Bette Milder and Whoopi Goldberg, as well as being the subject of the film “Get Bruce”, now communicates mostly through tee shirts.



Friends and colleagues first noticed the change in late 2008 when Vilanch wore one of his trademark T-Shirts with a humorous saying on it, however the saying, whereas in the past had always been an attempt at humor, this time read much as more practical. Villanch joked at the time that perhaps he’d be able to use the shirts in lieu of actually speaking to people as humans, in his words had “disappointed him for the last time.”



In the years and months since, Villanch slowly removed speech from his daily routine, and in and a January 2009 interview with Larry King –where he didn’t speak at all, Villanch wore the T-shirt “Screw All of You, you’re on your own.” The episode never aired.

Close friends of the notorious cut-up say some days he’ll changed his shirt up to 4 times a day, but those are days in which he has a lot of things going on.


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Tuesday, October 19, 2010

What Sucks…The Reaper


Good night Mr. C. Obviously, the Reaper had other plans for you today and thus made sure it would not be a “happy day” in any way, shape or form. Tom Bosley was 84, and as a dad on Happy Days, was okay with renting out the room on top of his garage to “The Fonz” who was considered the epitome of cool even though he A) lived over a garage, B) had an office that was also a bathroom, C) hung around with some serious nerds.

Hey Reaper- sit on it.
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Monday, October 18, 2010

What Sucks…The Reaper


Babs Billingsley, who played the mom on Leave It To Beaver, died over the weekend at the age of 94. Yes, she will be remembered for playing the mom on Leave It To Beaver (non-porn version) but what she should be remembered for is the outstanding cameo she made in the great early 80’s comedy Airplane!, in which she speaks fluent jive.

Babs Billingsley, RIP.
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What Sucks…Katherine Heigl


Say what you will about Katherine Heigl- and I’ll say this- she blows, but she definitely is her generation’s go-to-actress when it comes to having kids do stuff to her in movies that, well, is F’d up. Things that let’s just say, if you searched them on YouPorn with adults involved, I’m told you’d get a lot of hits. Let’s run the list of credits, shall we?

Movie with Gerald Butler
where she plays a girl is at first repulsed by a guy then ends up selling out everything about herself and falling for him…KID BRINGS HER TO ORGASM BY MANIPULATING A REMOTE CONTROL VIBRATOR!

Movie with Josh Duhamel
where she plays a girl is at first repulsed by a guy then ends up selling out everything about herself and falling for him…KID POOPS ON HER FACE!

Not for nothing but if this keeps up, somewhere in Hollywood you will hear this conversation taking place….

DOUCHEY EXEC:
I like the story and everything but who are you thinking about for the female lead- I ask because in act 2, and I know there is some slapstick physical comedy to it but- she kind of stumbles into a weird threesome with a baby and a 6 year old…

SCREENWRITER: Well, if we can get funding, I’m told Katherine Heigl is very interested.

DOUCHEY EXEC:
Oh, of course. Great call.

“Life As We Know It” is in theaters now!
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Friday, October 15, 2010

What Sucks…Brian Wilson


So…we’re all gonna be okay with pretending this dude is not actively dying his beard? Every 9th inning the Giants play looks like one long Just For Men commercial!

And why isn't Sullybaseball talking about this? Another tough issue he's avoiding!
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Thursday, October 14, 2010

What Sucks…Vince Neil


Are you kidding me? Vince Neil is in court over drunk driving again? Does Vince Neil think he’s been grandfathered in from the time when drunk driving wasn’t illegal? By the way, what state is still issuing Vince Neil a license? Arizona State? Penn State? Because officers need to pay special attention to Vince’s license when they pull him over as those are not states, they are party schools.

There’s a fine line between having a good time and being a person who needs to keep a drunk driving attorney on retainer. Dude, you’re the singer of Motley Crue, not a cast member of M.A.S.H.!
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Wednesday, October 13, 2010

What Sucks…Ashton & Demi


Look, we get it that Ashton may have been caught making out with some other chick and you know what- it may even be okay, every guy should have the chance to make out with a woman who doesn’t know what it was like to live during the Carter Administration, but man, do we have to get all dramatic and run off to Israel when the paparazzi descends? The last thing that place needs is 2 more people who hate each other!
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Tuesday, October 12, 2010

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Family Circus Movie, Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me, The Town, Employees Must Wash Hands Signs


…A Family Circus Movie

Yesterday it was announced that plans for a A Family Circus Movie are underway in Hollywood. A Family Circus Movie? Who’s gonna see that? Say it with me America….NOT-ME!


…Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me

Look, no question a great, great show and Peter Sagal is as talented as Carl Kassel is venerable but I saw a live taping the other night at Carnegie Hall and holy crap I couldn’t have felt more Caucasian if I was wearing Klan robes on a yacht while serving as a studio picked EP for a show like “Martin” or “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air”. How do you get to Carnegie Hall? On this night it was practice…wearing a tweed sports coat!


…The Town

Thank god this movie came out because I just could not wait any longer for someone to simplify “Heat”! SPOILER ALERT: Veteran character actor Pete Postlethwaite gets shot in the dick! I know its shitty of me to give that away, but what chance in the future will I ever have to type that sentence!


…Employees Must Wash Hands Signs

What do you say we raise the ante a little here and say “EVERYONE Must Wash Hands”! Come one people- aim high!
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Friday, October 08, 2010

What Sucks…Getting Set Up


Being married might be a special hell the English language lacks the words to fully describe and all, I mean I personally feared it to the point of phobia (I once turned down tickets to the “The Music Man” because it was a wonderful marriage of song and dance!) but good lord, the worst has to be when you break up with someone and then your friends try and set you up, because that’s when you find out what you REALLY look like.

It’s like a betrayal. My friends introduce me to some girl who’s 40 pounds overweight, her hair is awful- she’s missing a tooth and I’m like – what the hell?! And they’re like pointing at me, high-fiving each other.

Then it sinks in and you’re like Bruce Willis at the end of The 6th Sense. Everything is flashing before your eyes- the times you ate ice cream before you went to bed- the fact that your jeans have gone up 2 sizes since you’ve last been single and still are leaving such horrible red marks on your waist where they button that it can easily pass for the guy in Raiders of the Lost Ark who had the medallion seared onto his hand’s, hand (“They’re digging in the wrong place!”). And your friends are like “I see people who have let themselves go…”
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Thursday, October 07, 2010

What Sucks…Christine O’Donnell


Look, the simple fact that you have to put out a political ad that starts off with you saying that you’re not a witch is, while at first pretty awesome, ultimately a pretty good indicator that you are a real shithead.

Secondly, this a-hole, at the end of the ad, says that she is me. (“I’m you.”) Great, I’m a retarded asshole who has issues with people touching their prives? No way dude, I have no issues with people touching their prives other than they should not do it on the subway. She is not me. I have never said I was a witch. Another thing she has done that I have not is say publicly that scientists have put human brains into mice. I wouldn’t even say that high, so thusly, she’s not even me when I smoke weed. Another way she’s not me is that she doesn’t believe in evolution because as she puts it- why haven’t monkeys turned into humans, you know in the last 50 years. The closest I can come to that is that I enjoy and like to see monkeys do things like drive cars, wear hats and play sports like baseball, so again it would hard to argue she’s me.

So, to sum up- Christine O’Donnell- not me, maybe some asshole though. "I'm Christine O'Donnell, and I approve of this message. I'm some asshole." That works much better.
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Wednesday, October 06, 2010

What Sucks…Funny Web Video: A Day In The Life At The Ghostbusters Fire Station, New York


The immensely talented and newly in shape friend of WhatSucksBlog Jon Gabrus makes a pretty damn cool appearance in this video paying homage to Ghostbusters, one of the great comedies of all time- check it out here.
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Tuesday, October 05, 2010

What Sucks…Oliver Perez


I know on the Mets and in baseball in general, you got a pretty decent amount of absolute, total shit-heels but is there anyone who can really challenge Oliver Perez for worst player in the game?

This is a guy for whom the Mets made up injuries at least 2 times this year to get him off the active roster, a guy who refused to go down to the minors to pitch when he proved on an extremely consistent basis that he sucked at pitching. This is a dude widely recognized as the biggest mistake the Mets have made and the Mets HAVE Frankie Rodriguez (arrested for assault in the team’s clubhouse when he beat up his girlfriend’s dad), on their team, as well as Jason Bay (hits .258 with 6 homers after singing epic contract and and Luis Castillo(well, umm, this).

No, Ollie Perez is headed toward rarified “Mets Disgrace” air and last night, he ended the Mets’ season by coming to the mound, hitting a guy and then giving a base on balls to straight dudes to walk in the winning run.

The only question at this point is where he fits in on the list of worst Mets?

1) Vince Coleman (this disgrace once said “I don’t know nuthin about him.” (my spelling of ‘nothing’) when asked about Jackie Robinson, hit a still entering his prime Dwight Gooden with a golf club hurting his arm, and threw firecrackers fans, one who was two years old- worse Met ever.)
2) Bobby Bonilla (was also involved in the above incident, and had a contract with the Mets that was so deferred, the Mets are actually paying him now, even though he’s been out of baseball for years.)
3) Armando Benitez (as closer of the Mets, was mentally defeated by Paul O’Neill in 1999 World Series when Benitez finally walked him in a game the Yanks would go on to win.)
4) Ollie Perez?

You have to put him above Kevin McReyolds, who was horrible and the only person the Mets could get when they needed to trade Vince Coleman, and Ricky Henderson who played cards with Bobby Bonilla in the playoffs when the Mets were fighting against the Braves in an epic battle. Everyone else, kind of doesn’t compare to Perez.

Oliver Perez, worst active baseball player.
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Monday, October 04, 2010

What Sucks…Generals In North Korea


You know what? From what we hear in the US, your country is apparently bankrupt. Your people are starving in the street and everyone thinks you’re a pain in the ass. I’m gonna throw one on top of it all here and, speaking to the dudes who are in the upper echelons of the military, the generals, let me say this- you're also a bunch of pussies.

First, you couldn’t or wouldn’t overthrow Kim Jong-Il, why? He’s intimidating? The guy wears platform shoes, women’s glasses- and his name is “Kim” for Christsakes! But guess what, now, you’re gonna get a second shot with his clearly developmentally disabled son, Kim Jong-Un. (On right).



They say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree- in this case it appears that way because in order to go anywhere this apple needs a short bus to take it. You ass-clown generals need to get off your asses and overthrow this kid day one. Obviously, you can’t ALL (and by all I mean North Koreans) be insane. Anyone has to be better than the “Kim-Jongs” when it comes to leading your country and quite frankly, I’m tired of being told I need to be afraid of a guy who looks like your leader, much less his retarded son.

This is your second chance to do the right thing here- don’t let us down.
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What Sucks…The Reaper


Well, one of two things are true, either that old legend where when the Reaper comes for you and if you can beat him at a game you get a reprieve is bullshit, or the Reaper does not consider the ripping out of a piece of paper from a typewriter and tossing it over your shoulder so it lands on a pile of other papers, a game. For if he did, clearly Steven J. Cannell would still be with us. Alas, he is not, so sleep great creator of the “A-Team”, “21 Jump Street” and “The Rockford Files” among countless other shows that dotted our television landscape over the last 35 years, including, yes “Hardcastle & McCormick”, “Hunter” and “Riptide” which I think was the same show, same dialogue, shot differently by different directors in a creative experiment no one knows about till now. And how to end this post? How else but like this…



Steven J. Cannell, RIP.
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Friday, October 01, 2010

What Sucks…Tony Curtis’ Death, The Reaper


BLOG NOTE: Back to making fun of the Reaper and those who die.

I don’t want to sound like an old grouchy man at the age of 26, but there does need to be a little more time taken out to recognize the death of Mr. Curtis at 85, on the net. The guy was an iconic actor who appeared in some of the most famous and important films of his era. Your great-grandparents will remember him as one of their great leading men who appeared in classics like “The Defiant Ones”, “The Sweet Smell of Success” and “Spartacus”. I guess what I’m saying is that he deserved more than what MTV.Com gave him


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What Sucks…Quick Hits: The Social Network, Plastic Surgeons, The CNN.Com Quick Vote Guy, Sn00ki Writing A Book



…The Social Network

A movie about Facebook? Come on, what’s the plot point of act 2? Someone touches their prives to pictures they tracked down of the girl they took to their junior prom? I mean writes “OMG UR baby is soooooo cute.” under a picture of some woman’s kid?


…Plastic Surgeons

Hey step it up! The day is fast approaching when Steven Tyler and Teri Hatcher will be indistinguishable!


…The CNN.Com Quick Vote Guy

Again, I guess perhaps a quick google search can find this out for me but that would mean I spend energy so I’d much rather say, what the fuck is this guy talking about?


…Sn00ki Writing A Book

After Sarah Palin, Carrie Prejean and a Justin Bieber memoir, you’d probably think we couldn’t come up with a worse, more disgraceful way to end the life of a tree. Well, check again- Sn00ki’s writing a book and anyone who films or documents it is bringing us into the era of “Tree-Snuff” film.
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