Friday, July 30, 2010

What Sucks...WTF?



This HAS to be bullshit!
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What Sucks…Quick Hits: American Idol, The CNN.Com Quick Vote Guy, The Phrase “She Can Suck The Chrome Off A Bumper”


…American Idol

A year ago American Idol was a TV powerhouse with unmatched popularity. Now, unless they hire 3 new judges and fast, it’ll be someone singing followed by 4 minutes of that person being called “Dawg” and told they were pitchy.


…American Idol (Part 2)

What will hiring Steven Tyler and J Lo as new judges prove? OTHER than that they are not the same person.


…The CNN.Com Quick Vote Guy

Clearly cheating on his wife. Dude, keep your private life out of your job!


…The Phrase “She Can Suck The Chrome Off A Bumper”

Yeah? You ever see chrome on a bumper? It’s on there pretty good. Sucking it off would take some pretty serious suction. I guess what I'm saying is stay the hell away from my dick!
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Thursday, July 29, 2010

What Sucks…The Amount of Laptops in Starbucks & Paneras


I do most of my work in cafĂ©’s with free wi-fi but even I have to say, HOLY CRAP did I walk into a Starbucks or a GD room at NASA?! Seriously, the other day I thought I was at NORAD and only at the last second was able to tell it was my local Panera because of the policy of bottomless iced teas!

What I’m saying is that the other day at Starbucks, I asked for a mocha-frappuccino and it was prepared by a dude from the Geek Squad!

The person behind me told them they were out of non-fat milk and they sent a god-damn IT guy to refill the canister!

The barista asked me if I wouldn’t mind waiting a few minutes for a cup of coffee- I said sure, is it because you’re making a fresh pot?...He said no- I’m gonna make it on a Mac, but it takes a little longer for the software to come out!

A woman ordered a chocolate chip cookie and they gave her oatmeal- the next thing she knows she’s on the phone with someone in India from tech support, trying to get the right cookie!

...Please, join me in the comment section where you can feel free to add your own jokes about how many god-damn laptops are at your local Starbucks. And as usual, don’t be racist!
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Wednesday, July 28, 2010

What Sucks…Wednesday Afternoon Links Martindale


…Wait, so I get it- the watermelon is “our rights” and the “sledge-o'matic” is Obama. Gallagher, close to the end, trying to make sense of it all- but is watermelon smashing as cool if its on AM Talk radio?

…I thought I had already shared as much incredible art drawn on eggs as possible the last time I did a Links Martindale- I was wrong!

…The bro of the very funny Andy Daly through together this brief history of storytelling in videogames.

…Via twitter.com/dropdeadchris a dude with a pretty cool twitter feed, there ARE cool people in Utah*! (*denotes other than Deron Williams.)

…Friend of What Sucks and author of the new book, “Sex: Our Bodies, Our Junk” Todd Levin wrote a freakin’ awesome story about working on the Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien- check it out and remember- I hate reading, if I’m sending you to an article it’s worth it.

…This is as cool as it sounds, via Gothamist…RAT ZOO!

…It must be Todd Levin week here at What Sucks- here he is on one of my favorite podcasts “Proudly Resents” with Media Yenta’s Adam “Spiegs” Spiegleman, talking about 80’s masterpiece “Cobra”.

…and remember, you heard it here 2000th- Joe Mande has a pretty good twitter feed.

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Tuesday, July 27, 2010

What Sucks…Quick Hits: The Heat Wave, Mark David Chapman, Handkerchiefs, Life Giving You Lemons



…The Recent Heat

Good god, is it possible that there can be 104 percent humidity? Hey Global Warming deniers- convinced yet? My balls are sticking to the inside of the leg of the dude next to me!



…Mark David Chapman

This a-hole is up for parole once again. Not only did he kill John Lennon, but the movie they eventually made about the whole thing gave work to Jared Leto. Nothing good comes from this guy! (Chapman, not Leto.) (Leto too.) He may be biggest a-hole in America! (Again, Chapman, not Leto.) (Leto is top 5 though.)



…Handkerchiefs

Putting snot BACK into your pockets?! How was the concept of this thing accepted in a free society?!


…People Who Say “When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade”

Sure, thing- right after life gives me some sugar, water and some ice as well. What, life screws me with lemons, now I gotta go to the super market? Hey life, I'm not your bartender- go screw yourself!

Monday, July 26, 2010

What Sucks…The Subway, The Bus, The MTA, The NJT and the Truth


Lookit, I’m definitely undermanned in this war I am waging against the suck and I simply do not have the resources to devote to covering something that sucks on such a vast scope as the MTA (or NJ Transit for that matter), but nonetheless, I have to throw some interference up here. CUTTING already shitty service while jacking up what it costs to ride the subway AND adding a fee for buying a new Metrocard is an absolute disgrace.

On the surface, the story is that the MTA has a massive budget gap and is being forced to make cuts in services and maintenance to try and close it. Bus lines have been cut and staff ranging from ticket booth clerks to train cleaners have been laid off. Bad news especially on the cleaning staff front when you consider that fully staffed the system was losing the war against the smell of pee citywide. Half staffed, well, I don’t know what will happen, just hope there isn’t a surge in popularity of asparagus, or it could be a perfect storm of destruction.

Let’s also throw into consideration for a moment the monumental mismanagement of the MTA. You see, before the Metrocard, people bought subway tokens. For the most part, paying for riding the subway was something you did every time you rode- more often than not- waiting on a line, paying 3 bucks a pop. Sure you could buy a ten-pack of tokens, but it was a pain in the ass and really your only motivation for buying them was to avoid the line. (There was no- “buy 10 rides get one free” thing like there is for the Metrocard.)

The line was a miserable experience. There you were trapped, free to be accosted by the homeless. Precious moments of your life ticked away as every tourist in NY asked you how to get to the “Seaport” or “TKTS”. If you survived, your reward was getting to the front of the line where you would buy a token from someone whose communication skills, combined with the quality of the microphone in their booth, left you, sadly, knowing that the only thing you WERE able to understand was that you were being sassed.

POST Metrocard however, had people basically spending 20, 50 and 80 dollars at a time for their transportation before they rode. There was a huge influx of cash into the MTA system. People were paying for subway service in advance. If you bought an unlimited card, the MTA got its money and if you used it enough, you could actually save money. A rare victory for the consumer and city- for probably about 20 minutes until somehow this windfall got fucked up and the MTA was back at trying to jack up the rates again.

Which brings us to where we are today, where a municipality is openly charging you MORE, for providing you with LESS because budget-wise no one can get their shit together. And yes, it is a disgrace that ridership remains up- business basically good- and yet the consumer gets screwed, but this particular round of MTA/ NJT driven misery has a different feel. It’s like they’re not even trying to make it seem like they give a shit- its like they don’t even feel bad. Its strange, I guess I miss the lying.

As someone who is paying for the rate hike, I think I deserve to be lied to. What happened, MTA/ NJT? Did you have to downsize the guy in charge of lying to the public? Is he out of a job too? The fact that the MTA is not even trying to bullshit me is offensive and by the way I contribute it more to them being lazy than considerate. Afterall, there is laziness all over this thing- for Christsakes, the MTA is actually saying they are going to put “limits” on their “unlimited” Metrocards- creating a widely mocked oxymoron and ruining something they spent 15 years branding, overnight. Think of another term for it, you idiots!

Take notice a-holes: if we can’t summon the energy to lie to the public, we are losing sight of what makes us great as a society- putting perfume on turds what keeps the middle class getting up in the morning! Don’t make us buy guns and storm the capital!
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Thursday, July 22, 2010

What Sucks…Seniors Getting STDs: Perv Watch Vol. 31



Hey Geezers, keep it in your pants! Good god.

Notice the people waiting to die at your local retirement home furiously itching their crotches? Well, there’s a good chance they may have an STD. It’s the latest craze from the “horniest generation”- who seem to be getting some Viagra, and then “going to town” on other people who can remember when you were allowed to smoke on a plane. What am I saying? Pervs are not letting entering the golden (shower) years interfere with their desire to “do it”. I know it’s gross but seniors, real seniors and not high school ones you would think- are getting more and more STDs. They are turning their assisted living facilities into, well, ASSisted living facilities.

It’s nasty and gross. Seniors should not be doing it- as evidenced by that one scene in Cocoon where Hume Cronyn show Jessica Tandy that he has wood. I still haven’t recovered from that. Or was it Don Amache showing Maureen Stapleton? Or was it Wilfred Brimley showing Terri Hatcher- I can’t remember and I don’t care to.

So what’s up seniors, the generation before you is known as the “Greatest Generation” (and can also be known as the “Greatest Generation of Racists”), is it your goal to be known as the “Perviest Generation”? Because you’re headed there, fast.
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Wednesday, July 21, 2010

What Sucks…The Foot Long Cheeseburger


Look, this blog is supposed to point out things that suck, certainly the cheeseburger’s creation is among the heights of human ingenuity. Beef, slapped together with cheese melted over it, in between two pieces of (toasted) bread. It’s basically perfect. You could get away with one every day as a kid, and then one a few times a week- not that a doctor would recommend this- as an adult.

Not to harsh anyone’s mellow but, you know- if you eat too many of them, it will kill you- and this is coming from someone who eats too many of them. There are all sorts of issues with the over consumption of cheeseburgers- heart disease, cholesterol, etc. So, you know, I have to say pointing out that we don’t need one that is a foot-long is a little depressing. Let me also say that a company like Carl’s Jr. is not a company made up of a bunch of crazy people who just, on a lark, throw together a product and put it out there to see where the chips fall. What I’m saying is, they probably did some research and market tested the idea of a cheeseburger that was a foot-long and the results they got back were, you know- America is all for it.

People- I know there are those of you out there who have had at one sitting- TWO cheeseburgers. I am one of you. But to sit down and eat a cheeseburger- of invariably shitty quality- that is a foot long is a disservice to the very lower intestine and colon that you already have working in overdrive! It is okay to say- no, really- we don’t need that. We’re all right with the country’s already existing giant cheeseburgers, thanks.

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Tuesday, July 20, 2010

What Sucks...Check Out Soula @ the Midtown Festival


Astoria native and friend of What Sucks Blog, the very talented Marisa Petsakos is performing her one-woman show Soula at the midtown festival Thurs, Fri and Sat- all the info is above- definitely check it out-

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Monday, July 19, 2010

What Sucks…Commercials


AT&T, Volkswagon- even Michigan State- WTF?! Let me ask you something- if it DOESN’T have Nick Drake music, can it really be considered a commercial?

This is a dude who killed himself partly because of the commercialism of the music business.

INT. FAST FOOD RESTAURANT.

THREE OLD WOMEN STAND AROUND A BURGER.

MUSIC: NICK DRAKE'S FREE RIDE.

OLD WOMAN #2: Where’s the beef?

FADE OUT.

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Friday, July 16, 2010

What Sucks…The Reaper


The Reaper is on a serious baseball kick these days, yet Kevin Costner and Curt Schilling walk the streets free and in defiance- I don’t get it AT all. But anyway, good night James Gammon, the veteran character actor known to many people in my generation as the guy who played Lou Brown, in the “Major League” movies. His incredible mustache and great, gravelly voice could give any man a run for his money when it came to being grizzled.

Outside of Major League, Gammon had a home doing the plays of Sam Shepard and won a Tony Award for his performance in “Buried Child”. Also, he made his film debut in the classic “Cool Hand Luke”, but for many, it will be Lou Brown who he is remembered for, which is okay because he was great in that movie. So remember him from there, and make sure it’s the first “Major League” film and not the second where they replace Willie “Mays” Hayes with an entirely new actor and act like everything is the same.

James Gammon, aka Lou Brown, RIP.
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Thursday, July 15, 2010

What Sucks…This (Vampires Suck)


This is what Hollywood thinks of you. This year, take a stand. If you plan on going to see this movie- or know anyone who does- stop them, take their 11 dollars and send it to me. (Email me for my address.) And I PROMISE you, I will waste this money in a much better way.

If you like, feel free to tell me how you’d like me to waste the money and I will videotape myself doing it for you. Or I will wait till I get 9 of you to send me 11 bucks and I will go and get a rub & tug. THAT is how strongly I feel about you people not giving these people your money.

There are too many small business people hurting in this economy for you folks to reward the people who are making this film. (Rub & Tub establishments count as small businesses as long as they employ less than 50 people.) I mean, these filmmakers have such little respect for you, this time they’re not even employing a Wayan in their film.

Send a message to them- how bout ZERO people see this movie when it come out- we can do it- we can do it and I can get a rub & tug!
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Wednesday, July 14, 2010

What Sucks…Mel Gibson


I know what you're thinking- how can Mel Gibson threaten to beat his girlfriend or worse ACTUALLY beat his girlfriend and...how can that girlfriend NOT be Katherine Heigl?! We have no luck!

Jesus, Mel- 4 tapes? One more and they’ll be more of a public record that you are a racist than you were in Lethal Weapon movies! I’ll be honest with you- he’s scaring the hell out of me- I’m glad I am white and off his radar.

And stop making threats related to getting blown- it’s hard enough to get women to “gum the root” without them wondering if afterwards, their home is going to get burnt down!
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Tuesday, July 13, 2010

What Sucks...The Reaper


In the 40 years or so since purchasing the Yankees, George Steinbrenner became an enormous presence in New York and the news of his death Tuesday morning in Tampa, set the media off playing non-stop tributes and commemorations of his life and career.

As public figure, Steinbrenner was complicated to say the least. In no way the saint he is being made out to be in the retrospectives played on ESPN and YES, he however, in light a numerous stories of his NON-publicized generosity, is also not the monster one would think either.

Put proper perspective, Steinbrenner’s obit should play like dueling banjos, or in this case, “dueling obits” where “plus marks” and “minus marks” denote what’s good and bad. Here goes…

George M. Steinbrenner, one of 20th century’s biggest a-holes and worst bosses (-) who also never for one second flinched when it came to spending money to make his team better (+), died earlier today in Tampa, Florida at the age of 80.

Steinbrenner was born on the 4th of July and he and the people who worked for him never let anyone forget it (-) as if it made him more patriotic than you because his mom and dad “did it” sometime in early October, 1929. He was a native of Cleveland (-) where his father, born of German descent, owned a shipbuilding company and apparently tough-loved George into a dude who would at one point fire 20 managers in 23 seasons (-).

A guy who seriously rocked the “turtle-neck/ sports coat” look (+/-), Steinbrenner in many ways was the perfect New York villain (+). He was the loud-mouth boss who never played the game yet, spoke with extreme authority about how the game should be played and how the people who worked for him should look.

Early in his career as an owner, he furiously backed the idea that a player’s rights should be held exclusively by the team he plays for, and dealt to anyone they wanted at their pleasure, also known as the “reserve clause” (-). When players, such as Curt Flood and Andy Messersmith courageously over time came forward in protest of this, setting the wheels spinning for modern free agency, Steinbrenner along with all the other owners braced against it. However, when it became clear that free agency was going to be a reality, no one embraced the concept of using it to better a team more (+).

Early on in his tenure as owner, the Yankees were a team a long way from their glory days of the 50’s and early 60’s. Steinbrenner’s genius was simply going out and getting the best players available on the market to make his team better. In 1975 he did that when he signed Catfish Hunter (+). By 1976, the Yankees were in the World Series.

After losing the World Series to the Reds in 1976, George went out and signed Reggie Jackson (+). The Yankees won the Series in 1977 (fueled by incredible play by Reggie) and then again in 1978 when they made one of the greatest comebacks in the history of the sport.

Steinbrenner’s incredibly abrasive style led to the habitual firing and hiring of managers. At times, this was comical and created the Bronx Zoo like atmosphere. Hiring and firing Billy Martin lead to some great baseball moments, and a few very funny Miller Lite Commercials. However when Martin’s tenures entered the “4th” and “5th” reigns, the laughs began to subside considerably. At times, it seemed Steinbrenner would do anything for his players (+) but even that could be dangerous, as Steinbrenner explored contacting the Black Panthers to “take care of” the wife of center fielder Mickey Rivers so Rivers could concentrate more on the field.(-)

Steinbrenner also, in 1980, fired Dick Howser (-) who that year managed the Yankees to 103 wins, when Mike Ferarro, Howser’s 3rd base coach at the time sent Willie Randolph home where he was thrown out- something not unprecedented in baseball. (Howser went on the manage Kansas City to their only World Series title. (+))

Steinbrenner also fired the great Yogi Berra after 16 games into a season. (-) 16 GAMES! Yogi Berra was the reason the Yankees existed! He had 10 friggin’ rings and fought at D-Day for Christsakes! On top of that, it took Steinbrenner 14 years to apologize! (-)

In between this all, Steinbrenner got into a fist fight with a Dodger fan in LA after the Yanks lost to the Dodgers in the World Series (-) and was banned twice from the baseball(-). During his absence both times, the Yankees were able to rebuild their team into a winner (+). He was behind the trades of Jay Buhner for Ken Phelps, and Doug Drabek for Rick Rhoden (-). He also got rid of 1982 MVP and 2 time batting champion, Willie McGee (who looked like ET) and decided to re-brand the Yankees as a speed team in 1982 when he signed old dudes from the Big Red Machine like Ken Griffey, Sr. and Dave Collins and then a 3rd of the way into the season, bailed on that plan and signed John Mayberry to play first base (-). That year he went through 3 (three!) managers.

People forget about the 80’s. They were rough. One year he doled out huge salaries to three separate #4 starters (Dave LaPoint, Andy Hawkins and Ed Whitson- maybe his worst signing of all time- the guy couldn't pitch in NY City b/c he was booed so voraciously (-)) and put them on the team thinking that they’d pitch like aces or something. Also, no one talks about this but I’m pretty sure Bucky Dent managed the team for a little while too.

He was famous for calling managers mid-game (-) and making demands and in some crazy scenario he paid some scumbag gambler guy named Howie Spira to get dirt on Dave Winfield because he wanted to publicly embarrass him for something. (This lead to his 2nd banning from baseball (+)). Rounding out the 80’s he aggravated Goose Gossage, Graig Nettles and Dave Righetti enough to make them leave New York and hired the dude who traded Al Leiter for Jesse Barfield who was way, way over the hill at the time. I’m not even mentioning the fact they traded away Fred McGriff for Dale Murray.

The team went for years without developing a decent pitching prospect that could lift them up to first place- (Doug Drabek and Bob Tewksbury could have been those guys, but they were traded) as Lou Piniella and Billy Martin traded spots managing the team.

The early nineties represented the nadir of the Steinbrenner era. Thankfully Fay Vincent, commissioner at the time, saved the day by banning Steinbrenner from running the team because of his association with Spira (+). During this time, the Yankees were awful on the field and sported such legends as ill-nicknamed Hensley “Bam-Bam” Meulens, the recently deceased Oscar Azocar and Wade Taylor who I think recorded at the time, the worst ERA of any pitcher in the history of the game with a certain amount of innings pitched. (Ed NOTE: Record may have been surpassed by Kei Igawa). The low point possibly coming on July 1, 1990 when Andy Hawkins pitched a no-hitter against the White Sox and lost.

However, off the field, led by Gene “Stick” Michael, one of the many NY Yankee managers fired by Steinbrenner in the past now the team’s General Manager, the team began to slowly rebuild. A few very savvy Michael trades (Roberto Kelly for Paul O’Neill) and the minor league development of the “core four” Derek Jeter, Andy Pettitte, Jorge Posada and the great Mariano Rivera along with Bernie Williams, prepared the Yankees for a new era of excellence.

Steinbrenner reappeared in time for an epic playoff battle between the Yanks and the Seattle Mariners. The Yankees lost 3 games to 2 and George decided to fire his popular manager Buck Showalter (-) and replace him with Joe Torre- a move panned at that time. But Torre proved to be just the right man for the job and the Yankees would go on to win 4 of the next 5 World Series and make the playoffs for the next 12 years (+).

As World Series victories became the norm, George Steinbrenner began his own personal re-branding. The new George Steinbrenner was now showing up at World Series trophy presentations, openly weeping with joy. His image softening, Steinbrenner continued to press the city for a new ballpark however he wasn’t openly threatening to move to New Jersey or Manhattan’s West Side (a move that would have devastated the Bronx) as much anymore (forgot to mention that earlier as it was a thing he constantly did in the 80’s and 90’s.) (-)

His health deteriorating, Steinbrenner soon ceded control of the Yankees to his sons (Hal(+) and Hank (-)) and shortly thereafter took on a more symbolic role in the organization. With appearances at the stadium becoming rarer and rarer, last season the last of Steinbrenner’s wishes finally became a reality when the new Yankee Stadium was open, and loosely christened “The House That George Built”. Fittingly in its inaugural season, the Yankees won the World Championship.

Steinbrenner was a lot things but as Yankee fans must admit, almost never boring. Also, he always spent the money to make the team exciting. Which, as a fan, is all you can ask for. Jesus, can you imagine being a Royals fan? Or someone who roots for the Pirates? Think those guys wouldn’t trade their cheap owners for a loud a-hole if it meant they’d be in the mix for the pennant year after year?

Yeah, George Steinbrenner was an egomaniac (-), and yes, many times he brought disgrace to the Yankees (-), let’s not forget he was banned from the sport for making illegal contributions to Richard Nixon’s campaign- he but he did give you Catfish, Goose, Reggie, Winfield, signed Mattingly to a long term- brought you Danny Tartabull because he thought he had to do SOMETHING, then got you Jack McDowell, David Cone, and John Wetteland before giving the green light to resign Bernie, take care of Jeter and sign Rivera and Posada. Peppered in there was signing Clemens and El Duque who was awesome in the playoffs and over-paying for Hideki Irabu who was awesome when he was called a “fat, pussy toad” by Steinbrenner. And clearly the business model being set allowed for the arrivals of A-Rod, CC, Teix and AJ for the most recent championship.

On top of all of this was Steinbrenner the charitable guy who took great pains to take care of the families of fallen police officers, give scholarships to many, many young people in both New York and Florida and find a place on his payroll for a lot of the people he had fired along the way.

A larger than life figure, he hosted Saturday Night Live and was a character on Seinfeld and his time as Yankee owner- whether it be as someone who raised the standard of living for baseball players, or an owner who incorporated owning his own cable channel as part of his revenue stream- forever changed the sport.

Buying the Yankees for 8.8 million dollars in 1973, and turning them into a multi-billion dollar entity by 2010 is no small accomplishment and neither is the 7 World Championships and 11 Pennants he accumulated along the way.

So yeah, good night Boss, I hope you fired the reaper a few times on your way out.

George Steinbrenner, RIP.
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Monday, July 12, 2010

What Sucks…Quick Hits: iPhone 4, Glenn Beck University, The Runaway Bride, BP


…iPhone 4

Apparently the antennae thing is such a pain in the ass, Consumer Report’s couldn’t recommend it, or they tried to but when phoning it in, THEIR CALL WAS DROPPED!

Also, why is Macy Gray pictured here, did they have the iPhone 4 in 2001 and I didn’t know about it?


...Glenn Beck University

Are you shitting me? Glenn Beck University? What’s the mascot, the “Fightin’ Fighting Angry Whites”?! (Say it out loud). This is a safe school for people worried about whether or not they can be home schooled, isn’t it?


…The Runaway Bride

Can you believe our media gave such a big shit about this?


…BP

Excuse me if I’m not brimming with confidence here as we wait for British people to get effective caps! That’s right- an English people have shitty teeth joke in the face of an environmental disaster!
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What Sucks...The Reaper


Two giants of the English language, one devoted to lifting it to new heights through proper usage, and the other devoted to making it as grimy and gritty as humanly possible were taken yesterday and today respectively, by the reaper.

Harvey Pekar
, the subject of the film American Splendor, was the author, creator and editor of his the comic book series by the same name. A Cleveland resident, he was known to larger audiences from his appearances on NBC’s seminal Late Night With David Letterman until he was banned for essentially being crazy (but never not interesting and funny) in 1993.

Bob Sheppard was the public address announcer for the New York Yankees for more than five decades. His intonation and cadence is part of Yankee lore and during the course of his career he announced names ranging from DiMaggio, to Mantle, to Berra, to Munson, Mattingly and Jeter. He held both a World Series and a Super Bowl ring (from his work with the NY football Giants) and taught at St. John’s University. Often referred to as the voice of God, he lived to the age of 99.

He never to my knowledge read over the Yankee Stadium public address system the works of Harvey Pekar, but if he did, that would have been something.

Harvey Pekar, Bob Sheppard, RIP.
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Friday, July 09, 2010

What Sucks…Cav’s Owner Dan Gilbert


Sure Lebron leaving to go to Miami screws your team. I understand you are looking at your roster right now and are probably saying what the hell kind of a team is this?! (Like Lebron did many of times and then someone traded for Mo Williams.) But sometimes, when you’re angry its good to take a step back and count to ten- you don’t want to have emotions effect your choice of words, or more importantly in this case- font!



I have been angry at a lot of people but never enough to seek out and use a "comic sans" font. I mean, yes Lebron leaving devastates your team, I can understand a “bold palatino” or maybe even an “impact”, but comic sans? Shit, you must have lost it. As a matter of fact, someone check on this guy, I'd hate to have him do something rash and I'd really hate to find a suicide note written in Helvetica!
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Thursday, July 08, 2010

What Sucks…Lindsay Lohan


I suppose you’ll say the system works.

Lohan was charged with violating her probation, given her day in court, prepared for it by getting nails manicured by someone with Tourette’s before crying to a judge and ultimately being found guilty.

Yeah, way to go, world. Well here’s what you may NOT know.

We sent a young girl- Lohan is 24- she only LOOKS 57- to the slammer. Sure the streets are safer- the chance that she will run you off the road or burglarize your jewelry or write you a bad check are greatly diminished- I am not arguing that- the last time she did time, those 84 minutes- crime did go down.

But somewhere in there is a human cost. You had to google search it, but it was there. Because of every thing that went down, Lohan either couldn’t, or chose not to, attend her 24th birthday party. And that’s a shame because Lindsay turning 24th is definitely a cause for celebration, because obviously no one thought she’d be able to reach it.
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Wednesday, July 07, 2010

What Sucks Presents….Republican Douchebag Move Round Up



…The Trashing Of Thurgood Marshall

Who the “F” is setting strategy for Republicans these days, democrats? Jesus, Orin Hatch says publicly he’s not sure he’d vote to confirm Thurgood Marshall if he had the choice? These ass-hats are really poised to win seats in November like everyone says?



…Refusing To Extend Unemployment Bennies

Let me get this straight- we can write a blank check to the banks who caused the worst financial meltdown since the depression, but the people who are trying to get by in a period of 10 percent unemployment can’t pick up the lousy 400 bucks (at the most) a week they’ve already paid into? Especially when everyone knows that money is going to immediately be spent and put back into the economy?


...Running This Wacko Against Harry Reid

Harry Reid is the type of Senator who even among the most dedicated dems inspires serious, SERIOUS yawning. Faced with an election where they have an excellent chance of getting rid of him, Republicans somehow manage to run Sharon Angle as their candidate. This wacko has come out strongly for doing away with Social Security, Medicare and feels that if you’re raped by a relative and become pregnant, you should be forced to have the baby because “God has a plan for all of us.” And, I shit you not, when “given lemons”, you should “make lemonade”. Or in this case, Rape-onade™.



…Financing Knight & Day

Way to go, Ohio Senator George Voinovich- sure you may have made it almost impossible to prove- but I will trace this paper trail back to you- you have been warned!
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Tuesday, July 06, 2010

What Sucks…CNN.COM Quick Vote Guy Lazy, Possibly Still Tripping on Acid Taken Over Weekend

On first read, it would seem the CNN.Com Quickvote dude is having a very bad reaction to the acid he took over the holiday weekend. Or, he was given some serious inside info on a bet from an unlikely source.

On a second look, apparently an Octopus has been picking the winners in the World Cup this year and hasn’t been wrong yet. Not really the type of stuff worthy of worldwide news coverage, right? Unless of course you’re the CNN.Com quickvote guy and you’re a habitual gambler. Either way, clearly his editor has taken and extra day on his weekend and the CNN.Com Quickvote guy has little or no oversight. Nice touch by the way on the image below where you point out that this is NOT a scientific poll.

Hey, no shit.

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What Sucks…Funny Web Series: Life As A Comic


Check out friend of WhatSucksBlog Rob Paravonian ( as well as other friends of What Sucks- Peggy O’Brien, Victor Varnado, Steve Rosenthal and Bob Powers) as they hit the streets of Brooklyn and bring to the comedy to the masses- and when I say masses I mean mostly mass traffic.

Doing comedy isn’t as glamorous as it may seem. It ain’t all watermelon mashing folks. Check out other episodes of Life As A Comic here.
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Thursday, July 01, 2010

What Sucks…German Soccer Coaches Picking Their Nose & Eating It!


The only way this could be more gross is if the guy reached into his nose, pulled out Lady Gaga and ate her! (That was for you, dude who’s been leaving Lady Gaga comments on my last 3 posts!)

But seriously, NAST-TEE! Good lord dude, if you’re gonna dig for gold on National Worldwide TV, do yourself a favor and don’t eat the gold!

Once again soccer fails to capture my heart- the crooked refs, those vuvuzela things and now good old fashioned SNOT eating. Let’s face it, soccer sucks- any game where a ball hits a guy on the head and it DOESN’T make a blooper reel, is not for me!
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