Friday, April 30, 2010

What Sucks…What Hollywood Thinks of You, Your Kids



I’ll wait till Monday to see how much coin this thing took in. Odds are, it will be substantially more than Albert Camus made during his lifetime and what does that say about humankind? Not a lot. But who IS saying a lot about human kind? Let’s face it, we all blow and we know it. The only one who brings it everyday and carries his part of the load without spitting the bit is Mariano Rivera.

By the way, the porn version of this film is clearly "Furries Vengeance" why is that not being released right now?!
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Wednesday, April 28, 2010

What Sucks…Schick Quattro: Perv Watch Vol. 28


Blog Note: Stole this from the Yenta.

Wow Schick Quattro, very subtle. What was the Mad Men pitch on this one, you bunch of pervs?

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM. DAY.

ROGER IS IN FINISHING UP A JOKE HE’S TELLING TO THE SCHICK PEOPLE.

ROGER: …so then the black guy says, at least I’m not a Jew!

THE ROOM BREAKS UP WITH LAUGHTER. ROGER LOOKS TO DON, AND MOVES THE PRESENTATION TO THE PITCH STAGE.

ROGER: Don has had some thoughts about the new campaign and we think you’ll like what he has to say.

DRAPER TAKES A DRAG OFF HIS CIGARETTE AND LOOKS TO THE CLIENT.

DRAPER: More than anything else, women are looking for intimacy- it’s a search that never ends. And there’s a reason for that. Bobby, lights…

THE LIGHTS ARE DIMMED.

DRAPER (CONT.):
Gentlemen, you see, no matter how close to a man she gets, there is always something keeping her apart from him- I’m talking about…

DRAPER CUES A SLIDE, IT IS OF A WOMAN WHO HAS AN ENORMOUS PUBIC AREA.

DRAPER (CONT.): …the bush.

THE LIGHTS COME UP, THE SCHICK EXECUTIVES ARE WIPING TEARS FROM THEIR EYES. THEY LOOK TO ROGER, NOD AND THEN EXIT. DRAPER FOLLOWS BEHIND THEM, TO HIS OFFICE WHERE HE LIGHTS UP A CIGARETTE AND LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW, BOTHERED.

DRAPER (WHISPERING): I’m sorry Betty.

CROSS FADE TO BETTY, AT HOME SHE WEARS A BATHING SUIT IN HER BEDROOM, HOWEVER SHE IS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE, HER HAND SLIDES DOWN TO HER CROTCH, SHE BEGINS TO CRY. HER DAUGHTER ENTERS.

DAUGHTER: Mommy, are we going swimming today?

BETTY: No Sally, we’re not going swimming ever again.

SALLY BEGINS TO CRY AND LEAVES THE ROOM. BETTY LOOKS DOWN ONCE AGAIN TO HER PRIVATE AREA.

BETTY: Or at least for a month or so.

OUT.
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Tuesday, April 27, 2010

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Shawn Southwick, KFC’s “Double Down”, Pockets in Baby Pants, Rod Stewart


…Shawn Southwick

Divorcing Larry King
? Come on, when you get married it says till death do you part- she can’t wait till next week?


…KFC’s “Double Down”

A bacon & cheese sandwich with two pieces of fried chicken as the bun? Hmm, looks like two of the Colonel’s 11 herbs and spices are cholesterol and saturated fat!


…Pockets in Baby Pants

Hey, nice thinking here, I don’t know how many times my 5 month old has bitched to me about needing a place to keep his check book and keys? Way to go, a-holes!


…Rod Stewart

We’ve gotten to the point in Rod Stewart’s career where he has sucked longer than he was good. That’s right folks, we have passed, “Peak Stewart”! By the way, a saddle bag used during the original Pony Express called your face and wants its creases back!
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Monday, April 26, 2010

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Goldman Sachs, Tiger Woods, Kate Gosselin, Archie Comics


…Goldman Sachs

With the fraud these ass-clowns partook in and what it did to our economy? More like Goldman Sacks- as in ball-sacks. (You can all use that one.)


…Tiger Woods

Finally apologized for cursing his ass off during the Masters, turns out he was just reading some of his texts back to himself! (Another one you can use!)


…Kate Gosselin

Apparently such a wacko that her dancing partner Louis van Amstel told reporters that he felt Kate needed a psychologist. Nice- make it a show- “Kate Plus 8…voices in her head. (Don’t use that one.)


…Archie Comics

Archie Comics, unveiled a gay character this week named Kevin. You all should check it out too, its pretty sweet they way they reveal it, he teaches Veronica and Betty how to give a Jughead.
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What Sucks…Monday Morning Links Martindale


Robot Alien Voice: Take me to your leader.
Stephen Hawking Robot Voice: Oh shit, I knew this was going to happen.
Robot Alien Voice: We have similar voices. This is awkward.
...Genius, moving closer to “insane genius” Stephan Hawking ponders Aliens coming to visit.

...The Media Yenta is where I get all my show-biz insider stuff from (that’s why I’m about 4 years behind on everything- did you hear they’re spinning off the Joey character from Friends to have his own show?) But he hits the mark here dissecting this awful, awful gig I think off Mandy. And yes, I think I sent a resume to it.

...Man V. Pigeon via Boingboing.net

...The cover of George Bush’s upcoming memoir- I guess “Gigantic Douchebag” was taken (it was look for David McCullough’s Steven Segal bio in July).

...Tell Your Friend’s is tonight at the Lolita Bar in NYC

...Will the NHL and NBA Playoffs be on at solid NYC sports bar 3rd and Long tonight? Yes, they will.

...dumb links done right by Susie.
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Friday, April 23, 2010

What Sucks…Blog Note: Live Show


Hello friends and reader(s) of WhatSucksBlog. These are exciting times for me here because, being severely underemployed, I have been able to put some energy into the blog and in the next few days/ weeks, I hope to be rolling out some very cool, stuff that I hope you all will like- and I mean REALLY like, not “my mom’s new boyfriend” like.

In the meantime, I’d like to make y’all aware of a show I’m doing this weekend- Saturday night at Ochi’s Lounge, which is downstairs at Comix Comedy club in New York City- it’s called “…It Came From The Web” and it’s a fun, brand new show, that shines the spotlight on comics who are A) funny and B) have a great web presence.

I know it’ll be a fun, creative show that allows for an audience to see in person, some of the most creative people on the net and there is no cover, so come on down and grab a beer and check it out.

It’s the early show at Comix, so its great for a Saturday night pregame- we start at 7 and are out of there by 9:30. This week our line up is awesome, we have…

Nate Bargatze (Late Night with Conan O’Brien, Live At Gotham, and of the Podcast “It Could Be Better


Tom Sibley a very funny comic who’s the creator of SubwayDouchery.com/

Amanda Melson, of Last Comic Standing & Live at Gotham.

The great Rusty Ward of BarelyPolitical.com

And the hilarious Claudia Cogan also a semi-finalist on Last Comic Standing.

And it’s hosted by me, star of stage and screen, Chris DeLuca.
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What Sucks…NYC Umbrellas


Let’s be honest, everyone knows these things are pieces of crap but seriously, they should at least be able to get you to the subway when you buy them AT THE NEWSSTAND IN FRONT OF THE SUBWAY! I know hand crafted nativity sets that are passed on from generation to generation that are less fragile than these things.

I don’t know what sweatshop worker in what country is making them but whoever they are- they’re overpaid!

Also, do we need the plastic umbrella case thing? Can’t we put that extra nylon into the umbrella? Just a suggestion sweatshop workers in case you’re reading- and if you are reading this blog while you work at a sweatshop, you work at the best sweatshop in the world!


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What Sucks…Lindsay Lohan Vol. 87


Stealing a $35,000 Rolex? Nice work. Chinatown had a less disturbing ending than what’s happening to Lohan at this point. Now she’s dragging her younger sister Ali into it, staying out all night with her- its only a matter of time before laws are broken and I don’t think Lindsay know this but, if her sister gets busted she can be charged as someone who has the weathered skin of an adult.
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What Sucks…The People Who When A Bike Is Chained Up To A Lamp Post Or A Fence In The City, Steal The Back Tire, Or The Seat


Jesus thieves, not cool!

What- you needed everything off the bike except the frame? Just take the whole thing next time. What a disgrace, do you have any idea how disheartening it is to return to where you locked your bike up and find the thing stripped? This is a bike, not a Mazarati. Why the hell are you stealing seats and tires- isn’t it easier to just take the whole thing? And why are you stealing seats? Just buy one- all bike seats are the most uncomfortable things to sit on anyway- whoever's it is that you are stealing is still just gonna crush your taint when you sit on it!
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What Sucks…Friend Of WhatSucksBlog Paul “Sully” Sullivan Doing Stand Up On The Bonnie Hunt Show










Check out baseball fanatic and friend of WhatSucksBlog, Paul Sullivan- creator of Sullybaseball.com doing stand up at his day job as a producer on the Bonnie Hunt show. No, it’s not shot in 3D, that’s just a very imposing toupee he is wearing.

But seriously, congrats Sully on the spot and may your next gig be doing play by play next to Jerry Remy for your beloved, (and my despised) Boston Red Sox, who I must write here for legal reasons and in case anyone ever googles me and “Red Sox”, suck.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

What Sucks...The Atari Game "Adventure"


Full disclosure, I played this game about 18 zillion times on my old Atari 2600 and I loved it every second of it. That said, holy shit do these graphics suck. There are card games that look cooler than this. “Risk” must have seen this thing in the early 80’s and been like “Nice try, kid now if you don’t mind, Monopoly and I are gonna do some more coke. Hey, look- is that Jimmy Caan…?” (Risk was at the mansion a lot in those days).

I know it’s a different era now- that back then it was all 8-Bit, but still, it’s not that long ago. I mean, I watch old basketball films when the players were all white and yeah, the game looked like it sucked, what is the equivalent of that for video game designers- were Asians banned from designing?

For Christsakes the avatar is a square.


You were a dot. The ball from “Pong”. You couldn’t even go with an asterisk?

And I’ll ask you to guess what these things were…



Dragons! I know I would have said ducks too. Disgraceful! The designers weren’t even trying- I hope all their wives slept with guys from Colecovision- at least they gave a shit.

It gets worse too. The “sword”…



…was an arrow. You know at this point, in the game, call the thing an arrow. It doesn't HAVE to be a sword. Look at the box of the game…



…come on- there are no arrows or ducks on that thing, any less of an effort here and the whole thing could have been a “Choose Your Own Adventure” book.

Look, I loved this game. I played it a million times and spent unknown hours that I will never have back looking around it for special dots that would allow me to go into never before seen screens and mess with stuff. But the graphic designers of this thing, well, I know this will sound harsh but, they deserve to be carjacked by an Eastern European guy.
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Wednesday, April 21, 2010

What Sucks…Airlines


Totally out of control- first Spirit Air says they’ll charge for carry-on bags, then an Irish airline says they’ll charge to use the bathroom – then last night, I’m on a flight coming home from Atlanta and I hear the stewardess say “in the event of a sudden loss of pressure in the cabin, an oxygen mask will drop down...for one dollar.”

You believe that shit, Ben from Ben&AlexTv?
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What Sucks… Rock & Roll Fantasy by Bad Company


This song has always bothered me. Take a look at the lyrics- the thing is called Rock & Roll Fantasy yet it starts off like this-

"Here come the Jesters, one, two, three- - it’s all part of my fantasy…”


WTF? I'm sorry but my rock and roll fantasy has nothing to do with jesters! This is rock and roll, okay? I got 5 chicks- a dwarf, there's some mayonnaise a few traffic cones- no one is wearing those shoes that curl up- all right, maybe I am but that’s it1
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What Sucks…Ben Roethlisberger


Whoa! No means no! I see a penalty marker is down! The ref has thrown a flag for illegal use of a “dick”! There’s no safety here! Let’s go to the instant replay, oh wait, it was erased over. Well, I’m out of football related puns, but seriously you should pick this guy up for your fantasy team- huh? Huh?! Especially if you get points for sexual assaults cause this dude may be a rapist!
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Tuesday, April 20, 2010

What Sucks…Lindsay Lohan


All right, we're officially out of "live fast and leave a good-looking corpse" mode, having moved directly to "live fast and leave..a corpse". Actually, the transformation probably happened a few months ago. At this point Lohan’s just adding lines to the obituary that will be printed seemingly by the end of week. The latest? 600K in credit card debt? Wow. Say it with me America- coke dealers are take credit cards now? #notDiscover.
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Monday, April 19, 2010

What Sucks Salutes…Women With Bad Taste In Men


…Shawn Southwick

I still can’t believe this chick married Larry King. I don’t know the full story of how they met- was she trying to make the Crypt Keeper jealous? I heard her divorce lawyer has an incredibly moving closing statement if they go to trial by the way- here it is- he looks at Larry, then at her, then with his eyebrows raised, says to the jury “Come on...”


…Edith Bunker

Sure she may be remembered as a sweet and loving woman, but let’s be honest – at some point it has to reflect on her- she married a huge racist who was dictatorial when it came to where people in his living room sat and abusive in his constant attempt to have his "dingy broad" wife "stifle it"!



…Sandra Bullock

Worst part of this is the horrible fight all couples have when there is infidelity involved where she’ll inevitably ask embarrassed and brokenhearted “what does she have that I don’t?” And then must hear “Ah, a face tattoo and neo-nazi leanings?” Awk’ to the ‘ward.


…Tiki Barber’s Wife

I know it must be disheartening to be left while 8 months pregnant with twins for an intern, but on the bright side, next year you’ll win the Super Bowl.

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Thursday, April 15, 2010

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Larry King, Newark, Fulton, Mississippi (The Town That Had The Fake Prom For The Lesbian Student),



…Larry King’s 8th Divorce!

If these two can’t make it, what chance is there for archeologists and recent fossils they’ve dug up?! By the way- little known fact, Larry’s divorce lawyer for his divorce from his 2nd wife? Clarence Darrow! For his first – William Jennings Bryant a brontosaurus!



…Newark

Releasing a press release after you go a month without a murder? (Streak ended recently, BTW) Are you kidding me? How shitty is Newark?! By the way, this is the first time they’ve gone a month without a murder since 1966! 1966! That’s 44 years! And February by the way, for the most part is 28 days!! Jeezus!


…Fulton, Mississippi (The Town That Had The Fake Prom For The Lesbian Student)

Just so everyone knows, this poor girl is about to go from a high school where, as a lesbian who wants to take a date and wear a tux to the prom, she is ostracized to the point where she has to sue to be allowed into the prom and then has the prom take place while the rest of her school is at a super-secret real prom, to college where holding hands with and making out with another girl will bring her great popularity. Hang in there, lesbian girl who wanted to bring a girl as a date to the prom and wear a tux!



…April 15th!

Ugh. This date blows. But I’m worried if I bitch about it of those Tea-Bagging A-holes will google it, and then I’ll get some spam from them. Can’t we go back to the old days when we just turned this aggression inward, allowed it to simmer and then got ulcers?

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What Sucks…Celebs Battling “Sex Addiction”


Little torn on this one- I mean on one hand, people say sex addiction is a ridiculous, made up ailment and going to rehab is more of a PR move than anything else. On the other hand she did have a face tattoo.

But is “Sex Addiction” real? I mean, come on. How many people are out there actually suffering from this in ways other than having horrible rashes? Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller apparently both were in sex rehab. Shouldn’t you NOT go into sex rehab if your wife is in sex rehab, shouldn’t you instead, just go home and have a good marriage? I don’t get it.

If you want me to take this seriously, I would have to see the people who are not great-looking or super rich who suffer from this. Like, I believe Meth addiction exists, all I have to do see one picture of the a person with meth-mouth. Show me the picture of the miserable guy, who makes no money who’s life is ruined because he is a sex addict.

BLOG NOTE: That was a rhetorical question, please do not send me pictures of Mickey Rourke!
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Wednesday, April 14, 2010

What Sucks…Jesse James


As much as I am loathe to talk about this Jesse James thing, there was a report today that he had to pay off another mistress when it was revealed she had proof they had an affair in the form of DNA. In laymen’s terms, she saved a shirt he finished on. (In my world, laymen are crude and direct to the point.)

First off, umm, gross.

Secondly, what the hell kind of a person has sex with Jesse James and A) doesn’t immediately take a shower and get their clothes dry cleaned and B) keeps the shirt for “future” use? Oh wait, let me answer that question with another question- have I seen the women Jesse James has sex with?

The reports say this particular chick actually dated Jesse James before he was with Sandra Bullock- and Jesse was all set to claim that the affair took place before he was married UNTIL the chick produced, I shit you not, the shirt and it was obvious from the shirt that the affair didn’t take place that long ago. Translation: this fucker wore a “Chipmunks 2: The Squeakquel” t-shirt to go have sex with this skank! (Ed. Note: I can’t prove that.)

Any way you cut it, this Jesse James thing is completely out of control. Last week there was a report he had a foursome in the back of a tattoo parlor with Michelle “Bombshell” McGee, a tattoo artist named Eric McDougall, and his receptionist, a woman named “Skittles”. This is them…



Yeah. The mental image of them doing it is so nasty I had to give my computer a shot of penicillin before it would allow me to upload that pic.

The real victim here is obviously Sandy Bullock. I mean, ultimately Jesse will be fine. Eventually he’ll get another show- perhaps the History Channel’s upcoming “Hitler’s Favorite Hats” and while his image has taken a beating, I don’t think the women he hangs around with when he’s NOT with Sandra are not gonna have much of a problem with him when the dust settles.

Sandy on the other hand is humiliated. What does she do? Continue to take the high road? Even I am beginning to serious sympathy for her and once sat through Miss Congeniality 2 (on a plane). Ugh. It must sucks to be her- which gives me an idea for a What Sucks Bonus called “Sucks Being”…

Sucks Being…Sandra Bullock!


This poor woman! She married a man who’s legacy will be bringing Nazi porn into the vernacular.

Rumors have her divorcing him ASAP, but nothing is official yet- I hope she’s not thinking of taking him back. It would be a mistake- at least now. I mean come on Sandy, you have to at least let him try and make amends. Let him put the Nazi hat on eBay first, have him show you something. The guy had a foursome with someone named “Skittles Valentine”, who’s to say if you move back in tonight you won’t walk in on him having sex with “Gummy Bear Davenport”!
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Tuesday, April 13, 2010

What Sucks…The KFC Double Down


Look, I am not someone who is known for eating right. I dig food and not just because I equate it with love- much of it is delicious. Especially the stuff that is really bad for you. That said- I’ve eaten A LOT of bad things and continue to eat those bad things- but never, NEVER have I ever said IN MY LIFE- “you know what? Screw bread out of the chicken/ cheese/ and bacon sandwich equation and replace it with fried chicken. Yeah, fried chicken, as bread- that’s the right direction to head in.”

Listen to me- this is me- your friend. I am not that Jamie Oliver guy who is trying to get you to change your life so you can be more European or whatever he is- that incredibly smug bastard who wants to kill you and your children’s freedom. It’s me- food lover. I’ve had this exchange with the girl who works at my favorite Hoboken Pizza shop a number of times after walking in alone-

Me: Hey. Can I get a small pepperoni pie?

Her: (Seeing that I am alone) Oh, you mean personal pizza, right?

Me: No, a small pie please.

Her:
Oh.

Do I need to tell you the underlying dialogue in that exchange between me and Christina the waitress? Fine...

Me: Hey. Can I get a small pepperoni pie?

Her: Oh, you mean personal pizza, right? Because the PERSONAL pizza is the one people get when they walk in here by themselves. I serve them almost constantly between the hours of noon and 2:30 to people for lunch. It’s the equivalent of two slices. It’s normal lunch.”

Me: Yeah. I’m gonna order the small pie and eat the whole thing by myself cause I love pizza and the feeling of being full reminds me of when I was a kid and my mother would feed me to assuage nervousness of being out in the real world. What you don’t know, Christina, is that I’m restraining myself to not order the large. Understand that if I was having this thing delivered to my house, it would be a large, and yes- I would pretend that I wasn’t the only one home so the delivery guy thought I wasn’t a slob.

I’m digressing. Folks, the point I’m trying to make is, I’m on the inside of this and you must believe me when I tell you removing bread is the act of a desperate man. There’s no joy in the heart of someone who removes bread for two fried chicken cutlets- alas, only plaque. Why KFC would do this- there is only one reason.

They want to kill you.

I know it sounds harsh- and I don’t know why- but I have put a lot of thought into this and it makes the most sense. Putting a gun between two pieces of bread would be a safer sandwich. What ideas did KFC reject? The “Hair Dryer-Deluxe” because it was too difficult to get people to bite into it while standing in a puddle? They want you dead. The Colonel is from the military, right? He must have some education of mass-killings- I know he’s long gone but maybe a distant crazy nephew stumbled on some secret recipe for ethnic cleansing or something- we’re through the looking glass here. If you find yourself ordering this sandwich- or dying to have one- stop- look yourself in the mirror and try and figure out what went wrong.

KFC – who by the way is clearly in a struggle for it’s very identity, because didn’t they just try and get you to eat “grilled” chicken pieces recently? KFC is claiming that they are not using bread here because there’s so much chicken, “there’s no room for a bun”. It’s a desperate lie, by some desperate person in marketing. First off- I have seen bread as long as 6 feet- on numerous occasions- it’s called a 6 foot hero- it exists. Bread here is not the problem.

My advice, stay away from this lie of a sandwich until I can figure out why KFC wants to kill you.
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Monday, April 12, 2010

What Sucks...Spirit Airlines


You would think the executives of major airlines would be hard pressed to find ways of making air travel suck more.

You would think that between canceling flights when they’re not filled to capacity without regard for the chaos it causes customers, along with making seats so goddamn small that between the person in front of you reclining, and the person to your left trying to get the arm rest, you’re in the worst three-way ever, they would be absol-fucking-lutely stumped as to how to make traveling by air suckier.

But we are talking about some of the most creative suck minds in the world. People who have no problem making you sit in a plane, on a runway for as long as ten hours without taking off. People who decide to charge you a fee for the bags your checking, claiming that they must do it due to high gas prices, but when those gas prices go down- the fees remain. People who try and charge you 5 bucks for shitty headphones to watch their shitty movies, and then when you try and use your own headphones, they set up their headphone jack to be all screwed up so that your functioning headphone only gets sound out of one side- and their inferior headphone works better.

That’s pretty F’d up if you were able to follow that- they make a shittier product work better than a better product to screw you out of 5 bucks.

But sometimes you just have to marvel that a plane can even take off when the people who are running it have such incredibly giant, heavy balls as Spirit Airlines do. Their motto must be- we have to fly, because with balls this big, we can’t walk.

Spirit announced the other day that they will now be charging for carry on luggage. CARRY ON LUGGAGE! So now, you can’t check a bag without a fee and you can’t carry on a bag without a fee. These assholes basically want you to travel very light- what’s next, making us empty our pockets before we board? The worst part of it is the spin- how they claim their trying to make everyone take less items on the plane to prevent delays. Hey assholes, you can’t prevent delays by padding your schedules- you're gonna prevent them by charging me to take on my laptop? The only reason someone is bringing a goddamn roller on board as a carry on, is that when they check it not only does it cost them an extra 20-25 dollars, they have to wait an extra 40 minutes for you douche-knuckles to get it off the plane and onto the baggage claim. You travel 3000 miles in 5 hours, and then it takes you clowns 45 minutes to bring the bags the final 100 yards.

Why are these assholes always charging extra fees for everything? Don’t tell me that its hard for them to make a profit! Their product is taking people up in a flying machine and moving them great distances in a very short period of time. Sometimes they show movies while doing it. How is it hard to make that an attractive consumer product?!
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What Sucks Presens...Links Martindale!


Hey so I'm gonna try and do a links page every once in a while, even though I hate to read. Go figure. So if you read something cool, or if you're a reader here and wrote something cool, give me a heads up and like most other blogs, I'll do one of them "link around the net" things that ends up with everyone checking out the same crap everyone else is checking out. This is the first one, so, you know, you may not be moved to tears yet but I'm trying!

...from the great Warming Glow- you've probably seen this 1000 times already but I can't get over how easily this dude is able to tell the world that he thinks Ellen hates America. Hey Family Feud, what's wrong with you- Dawson would have punched that dude out, and then taken his wife to a motel.

...here's an awesome WTF? podcast with Marc Maron and Eddie Brill shooting the shit.

...here's a disturbing picture of the mistreatment and abuse of a dog that should be stopped as soon as possible. (do not click if you gag easily)

...Carolyn lists the "Top Ten Celebrity Doctors of All Time". Once Obama's health care plan kicks in, you may not be able to swoon to these folks, so get it in now! The only reason I'm listing this is b/c it's McDreamy and McSteamy free!

...Here's kinda what I'd like this link dump to be, done by Susie, who's much better at it than I am! (I may end up stealing hers.)

...And this can't be good news for the Rebellion.

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Friday, April 09, 2010

What Sucks Tune In Alert: The Awkward Comedy Show


Check out the Awkward Comedy Show tonight on Comedy Central- it features some great comics including Hannibal Buress and the great Marina Franklin and was directed by the very talented, (and friend of WhatSucksBlog), Victor Varnado. It's on tonight at midnight- Comedy Central.

Here's the trailer:

The Awkward Comedy Show from Victor Varnado on Vimeo.


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Tuesday, April 06, 2010

What Sucks…Lindsay Lohan



Make your Lindsay Lohan jokes now, because next week when she dies in an alcohol or drug related incident people will get all pissy on you when you make them then.

Some might say- isn’t it time for an intervention? To them I say, at this point, it’s impossible to pull off. Hollywood producers have been meeting about this weekly- no one wants the job. With the sheer amount of people there to speak at it would quickly transform it into “Live Aid-Esque” event. Zeppelin would reunite, Phil Collins would speak at the Lindsay intervention in England, then have to jump on a plane in time to speak at the one Philadelphia- there’s no way to pull off a Lohan intervention the way it should be done.

Look at her- falling down all over the place- behind in her rent- and she’s looking so old now that Helena Bonham Carter was recently cast to play Lindsay in the upcoming film about her death.

And its too late for her to change her ways too- especially now. At this point, if Lindsay curbs her lifestyle, she is going to hurt the economy. In these tough times, people are depending on her consuming alcohol, drugs, concealer- basically everything but food. In a boom economy- sure, let her go into rehab, but we can’t afford it right now.
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What Sucks…Quick Hits: Ricky Martin Being Gay, Shannon Doherty, Jesse James, Duke


…Ricky Martin Being Gay!

Shocker, of shockers- I knew this guy was gay when I heard the original title of “She Bangs” was “She Bangs, OR SO I’VE HEARD!” By the way, headline writers of the world- I’m glad you all enjoyed that “Living La Vida Gay” headline you’ve been saving up forever. Next time, can we go beyond the obvious?


...Shannon Doherty

Kicked off the ironically named “Dancing With The Stars” and while it’s a downer ‘cause she didn’t win, on the bright side, it’s the 1st time she was asked to leave a show, without security being called!


…Jesse James

How many mistresses are we on now, three? Four? They’re coming out of the woodwork, which makes sense because earlier today, Jesse James was seen screwing woodwork!


…Duke

Ugh! In a year with a zillion upsets and an incredible run by Butler and West Virginia, we have to have Duke win the title? Come on!
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Monday, April 05, 2010

What Sucks…Gloria Allred


Lookit, I’m all for the pouring on of people who want to sue Tiger Woods but I think we’ll all look back at this one day and realize we reached the tipping point when people started coming after Tiger who he DIDN’T have sex with.

Memo to this kindergarten teacher who has hired Gloria Allred to represent her- we’re losing our way here folks. If you’re a woman, you can’t just come after Tiger Woods, you have to have had sex with him. Just being someone who knows Tiger Woods is not enough. If you’re a hostess at a Waffle House- and that’s it, you have no grounds to come out after him. If you’re a hostess at a Waffle House and you had sex with Tiger, by all means, sure you can come out. I blame you, Gloria Allred, you are the worst. Who are you gonna represent next Ernie Els, cause he lost to Tiger at the US Open a few times?
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Friday, April 02, 2010

What Sucks Presents…Little Known Nostradamus Predictions!


Wow, Nostradamus was one scary mo-fo when it came to making predictions- here's one I uncovered that is not as well known, but totally spot-on. I mean, sure, he kind of was a little off when he referred to Robert Palmer, as "Bob" Palmer, but come on- let's not nit-pick, anyone can make a mistake!
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Thursday, April 01, 2010

What Sucks…Kate Gosselin



Just when you think its okay to hate Jon Gosselin more, Kate makes a comeback, here she is on the ironically named “Dancing With The Stars”, making a dancer guy, who’s been teaching dance on the show for all 9 seasons, quit.

Let me tell you a little something about dancers. First off, it’s very hard to get work that pays well when you’re a dancer. Especially as you get older. Secondly, being a professional dancer takes a toll on your body. You have to be in great shape to do it, and even then, it is very common to constantly be battling injury- your knees go out, your hips follow, it’s basically like being a football player but with less homo-eroticism. Thirdly, in order to do it for a long time and to survive, you have to love it. Simply put, no one goes through all you have to do to become a professional dancer without loving it.

In the video clip above, over the course of a few minutes, Kate Gosselin manages to make all the sacrifice and love this man has put into being a dancer, mean nothing and the guy simply throws it away and quits.

That is a resounding suckiness the likes of which is seldom seen.
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