Wednesday, March 31, 2010

What Sucks…The Pope


Don’t think the Pope sucks? Well, that can only mean two things- you’re a Catholic living in denial, or you’ve never simultaneously googled the terms “Hitler Youth” and “Child Molestation Cover-Up”.

If you haven’t heard, the Pope followed up being accused of transferring a few pedophile priests to different parishes (the Church’s ill-conceived “touching young souls” program), with referring to the reports as “petty gossip” and vowing not to be “intimidated” by them. Well, all I can say to that is, you go Pope! Seriously, go, please. Resign. What a disgrace.

First off, you look way too much like Emperor Palpatine for anyone to take seriously. Thing is, Palpatine only wants to rule the world and revel in the power of the Dark Side, I’m pretty sure he draws the line at enabling dudes who want to touch little boys’ wankers.

Secondly, how many times are we supposed to look the other way when this Pope does something scummy? The guy has publicly lied (repeatedly) about the effectiveness of condoms as a means of stopping the spread of disease, has come out against stem cell research, and I’m told, wears his mitre regularly when he goes to the movies (very inconsiderate when you’re sitting behind him).

But all of that pales in comparison to, when he was the Bishop of Munich, and then later the guy in charge of the Vatican’s disciplinary wing, the CDF, getting all involved in the “pedophile shuffle”. Jeezus, in one case- at a school for the deaf, over 200 boys were molested by a priest who was never prosecuted or investigated. A SCHOOL FOR THE DEAF! Imagine how horrifying it is to be told to take off your underoos by a priest- now imagine what it would be like to have to have that “signed” to you.

Add this to “being in the Hitler Youth” and being a force behind bringing Cardinal Law to Rome which was tantamount to rewarding him for shuffling pedophile priests in Boston and I think we can all agree that maybe calling this jag-off His Holiness? More like His A-Holiness. (Y’all can use that.)
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Monday, March 29, 2010

What Sucks…March!


Another weekend full of rain? Hey March, way to come in like a Lion and leave like a total dick.

There better be an assload of flowers in April cause I’m spending more time indoors this month than a Chernobyl shut-in! Wait a minute, come to think of it, the saying is ACTUALLY “April showers bring May flowers” so, if this is March, Jeezus, by the time May rolls around we’re all gonna be living in daffodils getting screwed by bees! (And that’s not as romantic as it sounds!)
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

What Sucks…Katherine Heigl (And Indirectly, Grey’s Anatomy)


Long time blog readers will notice that I have pretty much stopped writing about Grey’s Anatomy entirely, the reason being that show has gotten SO shitty even my wife who has questionable TV taste (Private Practice a DVR-able show?) can’t stand it anymore and no longer forces me to watch it. Sure I lost a dependable blog topic, but in the end, life is better not watching McDreamy and McSteamy and McSandraOh. Nevertheless, Katherine Heigl is leaving the show and I feel before she does, I must note the departure of one of the most ridiculous characters to have ever been on TV. Seriously, the cast of Yo Gabba Gabba, is more rooted in reality than Izzy Stevens.

To use a phrase that your grandparents might have used once many years ago, I guess Heigl “jumped the shark”, sometime after she killed a guy at the end of what I think was season one. If memory serves me correctly, and I’ve tried very hard to forget this, she killed Denny- the guy she was in love with, and married, and ended up spending more time with when he was dead, than when he was alive.

Long story short, she stole his heart, than manipulated his medical report so she could literally steal a heart (from a transplant victim) to put in him. Turns out, she screwed up, and he died, whereas, if she didn’t do that, he could have lived I suppose. Oh yeah, and then it turned out he left her something like 8 million dollars. Anyway, I figure she committed at least 3 crimes there, all very serious, and with the 8 million serving as a nice motive, the writers on the show- if they had any respect for reality, would have her end up behind bars, having lost her license to be a doctor. Perhaps season two would be about her subsequent trial and sentencing.

Instead, the hospital staff- admins, fellow doctors, etc “forgave her”. And she was allowed to keep her gig. As a matter of fact when the Doctor whom she stole the heart from brings it up again later in the series, SHE is the one banished and Izzy is the one who stays. Good thing too, because she went on to drunkenly screw George, then have that relationship and entire story line dropped- even though it ended George’s existing marriage- before screwing Alex, cheating on him with a ghost of Denny, and then marrying Alex after she dumped Denny the ghost.

Look, there’s way more, but why ruin your day recounting it, the point here is that Katherine Heigl, who won and Emmy for this shit by the way, is leaving the show to become a movie star, her other movies being “Knocked Up” which she has publicly pooped on, the awful “27 Dresses”, and “The Movie Where A 10 Year Old Makes Her Orgasm”. So good luck Katherine Heigl and here’s wishing you success on your first film, post Grey’s as the title character in “Shelly Long Story”.
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

What Sucks…Jesse James: UPDATE!



So now it appears that if Sandra Bullock divorces Jesse James, he could lose custody of his daughter. So now you can put the number at 2 (TWO!) women Jesse James risked in order to screw a white supremacist chick with a face tattoo- one more and that’s a record! (Little known fact I can’t back up: current record holder is Cal Ripken, Jr.!)

Additionally, the mother of Jesse James’ daughter is Janine Lindemulder, a porn star and veteran of a Vince Neil sex tape, who is currently living in a halfway house because of tax evasion, so you can see how the presence of one decent human being (Bullock) can sway this custody case in either direction.

JUDGE: Oh, a somewhat decent human being? Custody awarded to someone who hangs with the star of Hope Floats!

Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

What Sucks…Joe Biden



If you had any doubt whether or not the signing of this bill was a big fucking deal, you have Joe Biden, our Vice President, to thank for clearing up for you.

Hey folks, let’s hope the new health plan covers “foot-in-mouth” disease- AM I RIGHT?

AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT?

Probably not, I know.
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Monday, March 22, 2010

What Sucks Presents…The What Sucks Drudge Report Quiz


Well, last night health care passed and how do you think the Drudge Report, edited by noted douchebag Matt Drudge responded headline-wise? The results may surprise you, or they may not- that’s why you should take the WhatSucksBlog Drudge Report Quiz. And see if you can identify the actual Drudge Report Headline used in this website which sadly, still probably has a major influence on the all the news that gets reported.

Is it choice #1?

Where Drudge may be cleverly pointing our that the new law would cover 31-33 million people who previously were unable to get insurance?


Or is it choice #2?

Where Drudge cleverly points out that under this new bill you can’t be denied health insurance due to a “pre-existing condition”, while at the same time showing a picture of President Obama and Nancy Pelosi, who bribed, twisted arms and did just about anything else under their power to get the bill passed?


Or is it choice #3?

Where Drudge, much like a douchebag compares the passing of Health Care Reform, to the infamous sneak attack on Pearl Harbor by the Japanese?


Answer: He’s a douchebag, so it’s #3.

Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Friday, March 19, 2010

What Sucks…Jesse James


Lookit, I have no problem bashing Sandra Bullock- her movies make me want to claw my own eyes out and even Marissa Tomei is asking, could she really be an Oscar winner?

But that doesn’t mean you cheat on her with a woman with a face tattoo. Jesus, Jesse, sell high, will ya? You’re going down for this? Nice work.

Even Tiger Woods is like, dude, you need to appreciate your wife a little more than that.
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

What Sucks…“McCafé”


Hey asshats, just because you pronounce it in a pseudo-French/ European douchebag way, doesn’t mean I forgetting I’m at a friggin’ McDonalds. Turd and “Le Turdé” are the same thing, dude.

People always ask- why would some pay $2.50 for a cup of coffee like at a Starbucks, well, its not so much the taste of the coffee, its more like being away from the people who would be at a McDonalds. It’s a crazy people tax- I’m paying more to not be around crazy people- BUT, not SO much I’m away from single moms!

Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

What Sucks…The Fat Lady From NJ Who’s Trying To Gain Weight In Order To Crack 1000 Pounds



A lot of balls being dropped by humanity here.

If you’re unfamiliar with this story, here’s a quick run-down- Donna Simpson, who some time ago became the fattest woman to ever give birth when she had a baby at 530 pounds, is trying to make a run at being the heaviest woman on earth, attempting to gain enough weight to get to 1000 pounds. She’s at 604 now and yes, perhaps using the term “run” in the previous sentence was a poor choice of words.

Also of interest in this story is, as you can see from the above video, her spending about $750 bucks a WEEK on food, and that she gets a lot of that money through a website she runs where, hold onto your lunch (seriously, this chick will take it) men pay to watch her eat.

I’m guessing this is not what G-d had in mind when he sent his only son to die for us on the cross.

By the way, if you are one of the men paying to watch this woman eat on the web, you are a special kind of perv. I mean, what is the next step for you. Is this the perviest thing you can do that is legal? I mean is paying to watch a 604 pound woman wear lingerie and stuff her face with 70 pieces of sushi the closest you can get to stealing a girl and having her grow up in a tent in your backyard? What happens if you can't get wi-fi that day, do you go to an aquarium and watch a whale eat? I honestly can’t think of much more in the way of pervy-ness that beat this, that doesn’t involve some skirting of the law.

As for Donna Simpson, clearly she has more issues than Rolling Stone Bon Appetite. I won’t pretend to know her pain- what it’s like to have 30 doctors work on the delivery of your baby, how it may feel to tape worms leave you body voluntarily, in disgust, and with type 2 diabetes- how every time you sing, people think whatever they are doing is over.

All I can say is this- way to go mankind. Way to A) have a woman who weighs 604 pounds who clearly wants to die, and B) Have pervs sponsor her eating via the web. Seriously, take a bow.


Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

What Sucks…The Bounty Hunter


As many of you who know me, (and yes readers, if you’ve read more than 1 blog posts here, you can consider yourself someone who knows me- I am just simply not that deep), know, I am no fan of Rom-Coms. In fact, I hate them. The list of things I’d rather see than romantic comedies- especially those starring Jennifer Aniston and Gerald Butler ranges from “a hair in my food” to a “spot on my X-ray” all the way to “an Adam’s apple on my date”.

And, be that as it may, it only takes one viewing of the trailer for “The Bounty Hunter” to understand how truly awful this “genre” of film can be. Not only is it, like all trailers for rom-coms, rife with things that would never happen in real life, I count at least 7 felonies being committed, and if you throw in talking on a cell phone while driving, reckless operation of a moving vehicle, and the destruction of private property (hotel vase being destroyed) 10 instances of violations of the law, 8 of them pretty serious- all in 2 minute 40 second trailer.

(Here they are.)
1) Person skipping out on bail
2) a man putting a woman in the trunk of his car
3) unlawful imprisonment- handcuff scene hotel room- (happens twice by the way)
4) the random firing of guns and the holding of a gun to a woman’s head during sex
5) tasing someone (I’m sure there’s a concealed weapon thing going on there as well)
6) the tackling a woman by a man
7) assault and battery (fight in bar with Bikers)
8) reckless driving (man using car to crash into a pedicab)
9) talking on phone while driving
10) destruction of private property- the hotel vase being destroyed

As a matter of fact, change the theme music of this thing from Hang Fire by the Stones, something a little more ominous (or anything off Radiohead’s Amnesiac album), and you go from romantic comedy to a stark drama, borderline snuff film that could pass for a what happens when Jennifer Lopez’ “Enough” has a baby with Julia Roberts’ “Sleeping With The Enemy”.

I’m not one of those guys who does those mash-up things, because I’m lazy and lack initiative, but this one seems pretty easy to do, one of ya out there should do one, and then just link back to me when you become an internet superstar.

By the way, saying that this piece of shit is from the “director of Hitch” is not going to make me see this thing!

The Bounty Hunter opens Friday, March 19th!
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Friday, March 12, 2010

What Sucks…The Reaper


Good night Merlin Olsen, Hall of Fame defensive end for the Los Angeles Rams, veteran NFL announcer, and star of TV’s Little House on the Prairie and Father Murphy.

48 hours after taking Corey Haim, the Reaper shows everyone that even though he is death, schizophrenia is alive and well because this guy really couldn’t have been more of an opposite than Corey Haim. As a matter of fact, The Reaper coming to get Haim and Merlin Olsen a day apart, sounds like some weird movie they both could have starred in, in late 1989 or something.

Olsen was a member of the Rams’ Fearsome Foursome, who terrorized quarterbacks in the mid 60’s to mid 70’s. Along with Rosey Grier, Decon Jones and Lamar Lundy, the foursome is considered among the best defensive lines of all time- in football, in acting, which all members have done extensively, terrorizing any quarterback unfortunate enough to buy a ticket to one of their movies, they are among the worst.

Anyway, Jonathan Garvey, Merlin Olsen, member of the Fearsome Foursome- RIP.
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

What Sucks…The Reaper


After a tour d’ force 2009, many wondered what the Reaper would do to top it in 2010. Well, after vacationing for a week in St. Barts, it’s clear he’s going after raw numbers this year- his weapon of choice? The earthquake. Because, let’s face it, the Reaper is no dummy, and you just don’t follow up names like Michael Jackson, Walter Cronkite, and Ted Kennedy with…Corey Haim.

Nevertheless, Corey Haim, star of Lost Boys and Lucas passed away yesterday at the all too young age of 38. Haim will be remembered as one of the leading Corey’s of his generation- as a matter of fact, I put him easily in the top 3- Coreys Feldman and Hart not withstanding.

By the way, friends of Corey Feldman are dropping fast and furious.
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

What Sucks…Dancing With The “Stars”


I feel like I am not doing you, my readers, any favors by bring this show up again and again, and I apologize if I sound like a broken record- or ah, a track you downloaded on iTunes that for some reason repeats and repeats(?). Let me put it to you in a different way.

Picture you and I having a conversation. Let’s say we just met.

ME: Hey, how are you doing?

YOU: Great. Thanks. Yourself?

ME: Not bad. Hey, want to go to a place and watch Kate Gosselin do some half-ass ballroom dance she’s trying to learn?

YOU: No. Why would I want to do that? My time is valuable.

ME: But…

YOU: Yeah, look- nice meeting you. I’ve got to go.

Logical end to the conversation, right? Now let’s imagine you and I are having a conversation- and we know each other.

ME: Hey _______ (fill in your name) you look great!

YOU:Thanks- you do as well- wait- did you gain weight?

ME: Ah, yeah, maybe. Listen, I have an idea of what we can do tonight. Wanna go, unironically, and watch Kate Gosselin- you know Kate from Jon & Kate Plus 8, do this half-ass version of the mamba that she’s trying to learn? She’ll be all dressed up and…

YOU: No. Why would I want to do that? Every few months when we get together, you ask me to go with you and watch some D-Lister learn how to dance- one year it was that scumbag Tom Delay- another year it was the dude who played Elaine’s boss from Seinfeld- once I think it was Nick Lachey- wait, it wasn’t even Nick Lachey- it was his brother I think!

ME: Yeah but…

YOU: No, there’s no “but”. Why the “F” do you think I would want to waste my time that way? I’m insulted. Screw you. Call me when you want to do something cool—like whip-its or something! Goodbye.

ME: But- wait…

Makes sense, again- right? If I asked to you go watch some unlikable nobody try and do a dance- let’s add in the idea I told you it was a star- wouldn’t that be how you’d react? Yet every few months ABC does the same thing to you- ask you to watch a bunch of nobodies dance- unironically, and people flock. Honestly, for everyone on this show this year besides Pam Anderson and Erin Andrews, I have trouble figuring out which is supposed to be the "star" and which is the professional dance partner. Shouldn't you not be on a show called "Dancing With The Stars", if your professional dance partner is more famous that you?

I don’t care what you do to her hair, Kate Gosselin isn’t a star- why am I being asked to watch her dance?
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

What Sucks…Toyota


I’ve been a little quiet on this whole Toyota thing and I’ll tell you all why. I kinda just bought a Prius last week and have had my fingers crossed that nothing would go wrong. I know what you’re thinking- how could I buy this car- you’re right but you HAVE to see the mileage I’m getting- 51 freeway and SEVENTY out-of-control-accelerating.

Try to beat that- you can’t!

Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Monday, March 08, 2010

What Sucks…Quick Hits: The Academy, Reagan on the $50, David Patterson, My Wife!


…The Academy

There’s time for Sandra Bullock to get an Oscar and interpretive dance, but none fit Farrah in the “in memoriam”?


…Reagan On the $50

Some Republican knuckleheads want to take Ulysses S. Grant off the $50 and replace him with Ronald Reagan. The bill would obviously be worth 50 bucks, or 2 fighter planes and a cache of weapons if you used it in a trade for hostages! THAT'S RIGHT, YOU ARE NOW EXPERIENCING AN IRAN CONTRA SNEAK ATTACK!


…David Patterson

Domestic abuse cover-up, skipping out on work, imagine what a disgrace this guy would be if he could see! The dude had the state pay for front row Yankee seats, and he’s blind as a bat, what does he need the first base line for?



…My Wife’s Ability To Stack Things In Our Fridge

This is the “large shelf” in our fridge! Who taught this woman to stack?! Certainly not this girl.
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Friday, March 05, 2010

What Sucks Presents…The Lady Gaga Quiz 3.0


On the eve of Lady Gaga debuting her “Telephone” video, whatever the hell that means, once again WhatSucksBlog attempts to appeal to its readers who love hard-core, take no prisoner quizzes.

Generally speaking, 20/20 vision is said to be pretty good but even those with it have trouble with the degree of difficulty cast in the two previous “What Sucks Presents…Lady Gaga Quizzes”. THAT’S how hard these things are. I don’t even know if you can depend on your eyesight to take these things- you may just want to use “The Force” or something. If you’re not a Jedi, well, then all I can do is wish you luck.

QUESTION #1

Which of the following pictures is of Lady Gaga?



Take as long as you need, call a friend if you have to, I know heads are just exploding right now, and sadly I have to say- we usually start off with the EASIEST question first, if you can believe it.

QUESTION #2



Look, I normally don't give any hints, and I'm not sure this one would help anyway but here goes- one of the images above lives down the block from and is very close friends with a very large, round, octopus named Oswald. You're still at square one, aren't you?

QUESTION #3

Is Lady Gaga shown under choice “A” or choice “B”?



At this point, if your spirit isn’t crushed, you might as well just guess, normally, you’d think you’d have a 50 percent chance of getting it right, but actually, this quiz is so difficult, somehow guessing between 2 choices works out to 33 percent chance of nailing it- still, that’s not bad.


Answers: 1)B, 2)A, 3)A

UPDATE/ CORRECTION:
The answer to #1 is "A", not "B" as I previously listed. "B" is a “Red Lobster” sign, that normally stands outside a Red Lobster restaurant and NOT Lady Gaga, I’m sorry, as you can tell I was totally thrown off by that one- must have been the fact that she was wearing a lobster on her head. My apologies to those who may have THOUGHT they got that one right, only to find out they didn’t PLEASE, PLEASE do not be so upset at yourself you become a secret cutter.
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Thursday, March 04, 2010

What Sucks…Naomi Campbell


Why doesn’t someone just hit her back? That ends this whole thing. Here's the news report from the night when that finally happens...

NEWS ANCHOR: Bad girl super model Naomi Campbell was brought to an area hospital today she threw a phone at someone…and that person hit her back. Campbell, who weighs 98 pounds, and was no match for the fist of someone, says she regrets the incident and will work very hard to change her behavior, for fear of being hit back again.
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

What Sucks...Lady Gaga


Come on, I'm calling bullshit on this- it's a Goddamn Lobster, already. Who designed this thing and more importantly did she pay "market price" for it?
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

What Sucks…How Do You Make The Tonight Show With Jay Leno Worse?


Sarah Palin on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno? Are you kidding me? This is like the entire country having to go through one of those old Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup commercials, except instead of chocolate and peanut butter, there’s shit involved…

Hey- you got your bullshit stuck my mediocre hack fest…no you got your mediocre hack fest stuck in MY bullshit. Hey, wait a second, they taste great together…No, wait a second, no they don’t they’re actually bad for America.


Why is America obsessed with this retard? I have to watch her do stand up now? Hey, thanks for this Jay Leno, thanks for taking the 11:35 to 12:35 time slot and making it not just irrelevant, but painful. It was a disgrace when she did a walk-on on Conan’s Tonight Show, now Jay has her doing 5 minutes? Christ. And where are the hecklers? She sucks! She couldn’t deliver a pizza! Nice job hecklers- the one time we need you, you’re nowhere to be found.

I’ve said it before, this chick lives her life like she’s filming a reality show- “Watch ‘Palin Around With Sarah’ this week she somehow wrangles a stand up spot on…(BOING SOUND EFFECT) the Tonight Show?

Follow What Sucks on Twitter!

Monday, March 01, 2010

What Sucks…Live Blogging Things That Should Not Be Live Blogged: Jay Leno’s Return to The Tonight Show!


Mediocrity, today is a big day for you, it's the return on Jay Leno to the Tonight Show! And WhatSucksBlog is staying up late to live blog it, "things that should not be live blogged"style.

This is exciting! Strap yourself in, for the return of the Tonight Show With Jay Leno!!! And remember, this is why we can't have nice things!

11:35- Jay doing a very timely Wizard Of Oz opening with offensively gay Ross and Kevin. Oh, and capitalizing on the Betty White craze! What a cold open, because folks, I am left cold!

11:36- Worst moment on ever TV, when white people move up to meet Leno on his monologue spot and touch him- and I saw the 2nd tower fall!

11:37- A lengthy standing O, leads Leno to say, I'm your host "at least for a while", no a-hole, you most certainly have this job.

11:38- Leno takes a swipe at NBC, I guess he has an issue with them, they did let Conan go for 7 months instead of 6.

11:40- We're in mid mono, and basically I'm numb.

11:41- Dick Cheney joke and it looks like someone is rusty...(looking at you Kevin with your robotic laugh).

11:42- Leno, not giving Toyota a break. Get it, a break- or should I say "brake"! That one was me, not Leno by the way and I wish I was in a Corolla careening out of control right now.

11:43- Here come the Tiger Woods jokes...booty-ism joke closes out the first act with a resounding "zzz".

Wow act one featured an absolutely "take no prisoners" return to mediocrity. Leno came out of his corner with a message- that message? I blow. I mean he didn't even try anything different. And what is the deal with that Ross the intern guy? Is he for real? I mean Richard Simmons is like, "Dude, you're playing a stereotype."

11:48- And we're back. I however am in the bathroom. And you are now, too.

11:51- Okay, out of the pooper, and now Jay is looking for a desk, bothering the people of...Burbank?

11:52- Leno in full denim shirt and jean, a denim jacket away from a 3-piece denim suit.

11:53- Adam Corolla, the Ying to Jimmy Kimmel's Yang.

11:54- Wait this whole thing was to try and find a desk for the set? (Sorry I was in the pooper.) Wow, how could one man suck at a job, then step away from it for 7 months or so, and then come back to it and not miss a suck beat like that. Amazing.

Commercial break.

11:58- And we're back. There really is no joy to this show. Did I get the night wrong? This is his first show back, right? Now I'm seeing a retrospective of Jamie Foxx's career? Is he dead or something? Just run the latest movie clip, you asses!

12:00- Jamie Foxx RIP.

12:01- Good lord, this is disturbing.

12:04- Wow the excitement in the Tonight Show Studio is approaching "Joe-Mentum" status.

12:06- Jeez. Robin Williams improv-ing his way through the pool table scene in the stage version of The Accused, (out of breath wait a second for me...) is less forced than this Jamie Foxx interview.

12:07- Commercial break.

12:10- Holy crap Jamie Foxx is "improv-ing" with the Tonight Show band, and that singer chick they have, Jamie Foxx is REALLY excited that Jay is back, did Conan like key his car or something?

12:11- Jeezus. Now, we're being forced to look at Kirstie Alley- my eyes are bleeding and I am "resoundingly soft" (medical term).

12:13- Jamie Foxx = Chubby Chaser

12:14- 20 minutes left of this. I may not make it folks. You may be getting a live blog of the 3rd act of The Wendy Williams show, starring that tranny Wendy Williams.

12:16- Commercial break.

Well America, I hope you are all happy.

12:20- We're back. Jamie Foxx, still out there. Here comes Lindsey Vonn.

12:21- Nice dress you're almost wearing there, what did we get the gold metal in being damned whores?

12:22- Jeezus! Look at that melon! Her head is bigger than Leno's!

12:23- She's a giant! A MAN HANDS ALERT HAS JUST BEEN ISSUED!

12:24- WTF is wrong with Jay asking about this chick's bedroom life. INAPPROPRIATE!

12:25- I don't want to say this chick has giant hands, but if we were to do "Hands Across America" again and she was on board, we'd all have to get to Denver, and she'd handle the rest.

12:27- There's a joke here with Jay on the cover of Sports Illustrated and really, the less said about it the better.

12:28- Wow. Next up is the musical guest Brad Paisley, friends, I may bail. Country music after 55 minutes of this bullshit, is asking a lot.

It's over. Brad Paisely by the way was far and away the best thing on the show.

So what did we learn? Well, for one thing, America sucks. I mean I guess I could spin this in a way that America is great- a man who wears a denim shirt while wearing jeans can make it so big he could buy hundreds of cars without spending any of the money he makes on his actual job, but I'd only be lying to you all.

Go to sleep, or stay up and kill yourself. Good night!

Follow What Sucks on Twitter!