Thursday, December 20, 2012

What Sucks Presents…Christmas A-holes: The Heat Miser


I hope this Christmas finds you healthy and happy, trying desperately to forget what a debacle 2012 was by pounding eggnog at an alarming rate at your office Christmas party. I say, go for it- let loose and have a good time! It’s Christmas- time for holiday cheer! Go on and try and trick the office intern into having a few, and then going to get an “ass-xerox” with you, bonus points if she’s a girl! Face it, there have been MUCH worse Christmases in the past- like the one year they almost didn’t HAVE a Christmas, because of this a-hole…



The Great A-holes of Christmas: Volume 3: The Heat Miser

I’ll set the stage for you. Santa has a cold and is in a super-bitchy mood. People around the globe, according to him, seem to no longer give a shit about Christmas and he is seriously considering telling them all to go fuck themselves by taking a year off.

Obviously, this causes a shit-storm and two elves, one named Jingle, one named Jangle, decide to take it upon themselves to save the day. What do these two well-meaning but clearly on-the-spectrum elves do? They hijack a reindeer and decide to go out and find people who care about the holiday to placate their boss’ fragile ego.

Problems occur almost immediately as the first place they head to is the south. Upon arrival they are given bullshit summonses by some backwards-ass southern cop for a number of made up laws, and worse, because the south just cannot handle anyone who is in any way different, their reindeer is arrested. Subsequent to this, they get a face to face meeting with the town’s corrupt, hick mayor, who tells them as if it’s a deleted scene from “In The Heat of The Night”, that they are shit out of luck unless they can get it to snow. SNOW! As if Santa Claus, who has been around for centuries before these elves ever walked into “Southtown”, you racist mayor, has EVER been able to, or claimed to be able to control the weather.

So, clearly the shit is way beyond elf shoe level here. Before too long Mrs. Claus gets involved, Santa gets his ass out of bed and into civvies and everyone’s day is fucking ruined. Finally, the two elves in an effort to save Christmas for EVERYONE and get it to snow in “Southtown” go to visit the a-hole you see above. You see, he, The Heat Miser, who is a loud-mouth/ man-child with a hair-trigger temper controls the weather in the south, his bro, controls the weather in the north. Without having you watch the whole fucking special, suffice to say the Snow Miser is ready to play ball. But the A-hole Heat Miser, who is surrounded in his volcano-home by minions who look just like him, can’t jump on board and save Christmas with getting something out of it himself. HE IS A BIG FUCKING BABY! Some bullshit about his Santa lending credibility to his brother Snow Miser, some bullshit, made-up grudge he’s had for years and now he’s gonna cash in.

He demands to control the North Pole. This demand throws a wrench into the whole fucking deal and once again, jeopardizes Christmas. Excuse, kids are crying and the world is in an uproar. This douche wants full control of the North Pole, to make it hot- cataclysmal results of melting the polar caps be damned.

And as if these retarded elves have not been through enough already, (Santa knows immediately he’s gonna have to fix things the second he hears they are involved, I swear in the original script he must have said... “Those assholes? Momma (what he called his wife) you probably sent them out on purpose you passive aggressive C-word!”) they then have to have a face to face with Mother Nature who nips all of this nonsense in the bud, allows the snow in RacistSouthtown, and Christmas is saved.

Just for the record it should also be noted that once his “mommy” finds out what’s going on, Heat Miser folds like a house of cards and cries like a bitch. Maintaining no one likes him he huffs and puffs like a little girl before doing what his mommy tells him to do. Hey asshole, as a spokesman for humankind I can tell you I LOVE the hot weather- people go to VACATION in the hot weather, no one likes you because you are an a-hole.

By the way, as pointed out numerously around the internet, the real a-hole of this whole special is actually Santa Claus, who is too passive aggressive to come out and say he wants a year off and has to pull this bullshit where he claims that the world doesn’t believe in him anymore, even when news of him taking a year off, makes headlines around the world. Hey ass, major newspapers are factually reporting on you taking a year off, clearly they believe you exist!

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