Tuesday, November 30, 2010

What Sucks Salutes Our Picture Caption Contest Winners!

Congratulations to Erika Shullman of NYC, NH who submitted…

“…forget explosives, I’m looking for a pulse!”

Nice job Erika, and everyone else, be on the lookout for more contests where you can win valuable prizes*!

*denotes unlikely to happen!
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Monday, November 29, 2010

What Sucks Salutes Our Picture Caption Contest Winners!

Congratulations to Amy Tavalone of Pernspeak, NH who submitted…

“Hey lady, this ain’t exactly making my day either.”

Nice job Amy, and everyone else, be on the lookout for more contests where you can win valuable prizes*!

*denotes once I get a job and get some disposable income.
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What Sucks…Funny Web Video: Rob Paravonian’s Breaking Up For The Holidays!

Friend of WhatSucksBlog, and all around talented dude Rob Paravonian threw up this vid the other day that is getting the WhatSucksBlog seal of appoval (Graphic pending someone out there who knows photoshop, who can design a Seal giving thumbs up as he takes a massive toke on a bong) not only for its catchiness as a tune, but for the underlying message that visiting family sucks.

So hats off to Rob Paravonian, and here’s to all you out there who survived Thanksgiving AND “Black Friday”, which I learned, has nothing to do with inviting people over your house to watch old episodes of that show “Girlfriends”. Who knew?
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What Sucks…The Reaper

The great and brilliant star of Airplane! and Naked Gun: From The Files of Police Squad, Leslie Nielsen died yesterday in Ft. Lauderdale of complications arising from pneumonia. He was 84 years old.

Leslie Nielsen was so good in Police Squad and the Naked Gun movies- especially the first Naked Gun film, you could literally go to any scene in the film and see something hilarious. Everything from the physical, to the verbal (“Hey! The missing evidence in the Kelner case! My God, he really was innocent!” “He went to the chair two years ago, Frank.” “Well, uh...”) from being the straight man, to the guy who delivered the punchline, Nielsen handled with ease and grace.

Sure, he spent the last dozen years of his life making every conceivable parody movie known to man, but who cares, he was the guy who said…

“Captain, how soon can you land?”

“I can't tell.”

“You can tell me. I'm a doctor.”

“No. I mean I'm just not sure.”

“Well, can't you take a guess?”

“Well, not for another two hours.”

“You can't take a guess for another two hours?”

Leslie Nielsen, one of the great deadpan comics of all time, RIP.
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Friday, November 26, 2010

What Sucks…Funny Web Video: Turkey Crisis Hotline

Long time friends of WhatSucksBlog, Tru-TV’s Dumb As A Blog, who have been very kind to me in the past, put out a great video the other day and I only hope it’s the first one in what becomes a series of videos they put up on their site. Nice work done here by funny folks; Ritch Duncan, Rusty Ward and Brooke Van Poppelen.
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Thursday, November 25, 2010

What Sucks Presents...Turkey's Are Dicks! A What Sucks Holiday Classic!

In case you’re feeling bad about this afternoon, realize this: Turkey’s are assholes. Here are some facts from National Geographic…

…Turkeys often bring young children into “PG” or “R” rated films, where they invariably end up talking loudly or crying, thus ruining the movie-going experience for everyone else.

…Turkeys regularly pronounce the “W” in the word “SWORD”.

…Turkeys, when asked if they’ve seen a particular television show, roll their eyes up and contend they “only watch PBS” thus making everyone else in the conversation feel inferior.

…a turkey invented the ATM fee.

…when in a bar with a jutebox Turkeys will often select and play “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” by Meatloaf, sadly this is especially true for male turkeys.

…A turkey will often chose to use the urinal next to you, even when he doesn’t have to.

Happy Thanksgiving all!


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What Sucks…Bristol Palin Almost Wins Dancing With The Stars!

Hats off to Bristol Palin, let’s be honest, I did not think she’d make to the Dancing With The Stars finals, especially when you consider that as a dancer or not, she has never shown she can handle, or handle any methods of...rhythm!

Thank you. Thank you very much.
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Wednesday, November 24, 2010

What Sucks…Airport TSA Pat-downs/ Opt Out Day

Opt-out Day? You think that will stop these pervs? Good luck with that. You wanna end this thing forever in 5 minutes? Have the first 10 dudes do the Silence-of-the-Lambs/ Mangina tuck move, problem solved! Any TSA employee that can make it through that, you want him on the wall!

By the way, you’re all welcome!
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Tuesday, November 23, 2010

What Sucks…Entertainment Weekly

Thanks EW, 3 shots of naked Anne Hathaway on the cover- all three of them with Jake Gyllenhaal in them! Don’t waste my privates’ time! And bonus sorry to Anne Hathaway, she finally goes nude on the cover of a major magazine, and it turns out she’s only the 2nd prettiest girl on it!
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What Sucks...Bristol Palin

Storming into the finals of Dancing With The Stars against Jennifer Grey! I guess nobody puts Baby in a corner, unless they themselves also have a baby! P.S. I can’t believe you beat Brandy and cheated us out of an All- People Who Were Involved in Vehicular Manslaughter DWTS Final!
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Monday, November 22, 2010

What Sucks...Dick Cheney

Getting pissed at George W. Bush (according to Bush’s memoir ‘Decision Points’) for NOT pardoning “Scooter” Libby? Dude, this is George Bush we’re talking about here, the guy does not like to pardon!
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What Sucks...John Kyl, Senator Arizona

Nice job standing in the way of nuclear disarmament you incredible douchebag, even the Russian mafia who run Russia were able to agree on this, thanks for making us look classy, a-hole! Ah, but what do you care? America just voted to bring back the jag-offs who f-ed up the economy in the 1st place and who actively campaign to take away their unemployment insurance, so sure, stand in the way of America signing a treaty with Russia to get rid of 1500 nukes, I guess the people of this country will consider you a hero.
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Friday, November 19, 2010

What Sucks Classic...Pepe Le Pew

Is it me, or is this French bastard lucky cats don’t carry mace? I mean Mike Tyson did time for what this skunk does every day. Hey Pepe, “Meow” means “no”! Why each cartoon doesn’t start off with this skunk “registering” himself in a police station is a mystery.

Of course you couldn’t even have Pepe Le Pew without the poor cat who plays “Ned Beatty” to Pepe’s “hillbilly with a banjo”.

That poor thing, it must be hell knowing that each day you come in contact with white paint, that night you’ll have to take the morning after pill. Nine lives is a curse when you have to spend them living in fear of “skunk rape”.


Despite a criminal justice system that has apparently failed this cat, it DOES seem it is impossible for her to avoid white paint. I mean seriously, I have managed to avoid white paint for the better part of my lifetime, and I DON’T get fucked by a skunk when I get hit with it. You’d think if the stakes were higher, she’d make more of an effort. But who am I to judge, she’s probably traumatized.

“Oh, white paint again. Great. Now I look like a skunk. Wonder if Pepe Le Pew is gonna come over here try and fuck me? Last time I saw that a-hole I ended up in a bath tub full of tomato juice with a UTI!”


What's clear is that Peppy just doesn’t care. As a skunk- he’s GOTTA know that’s a cat. I mean she’s like “MEOW! I’m a fucking cat! That’s mouse on my breath- I’m sitting here with a ball of string…MEOW!”

He can’t help himself- hormones raging- he’s just seeing black and white at this point. How many mornings does Pepe black out, wake up with claw marks across his face, look over to his left and see a badger?

“I did WHAT last night?”

This whole interspecies- nonconsensual thing is wrong. Come on now- kids are watching.
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Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

What Sucks…Politicians Who Say Things Like “You want the GOVERNMENT Dealing With Health Care?”

Pet peeve of mine here, whether or not you’re for health care reform, or government writing laws that would help prevent credit cards from screwing you as bad as they have been, or gov taking a bigger role in stuff in general is one thing. But can we put a moratorium on politicians rolling their eyes with disdain and saying things along the line of “do you want GOVERNMENT getting involved in ____________?”

They say it with such contempt and as if YOU are stupid if you would expect a government that you pay taxes to getting involved in something in any way to make things easier on you. And they say it as if they are fine with the implied knowledge that apparently no one can argue, that government is such a fuck-up, it getting involved in something is a disaster waiting to happen and keeping government out of whatever mess they’re talking about is a no brainer.

And it’s one thing to hear a statement like that from your uncle or neighbor, but a politician saying it- and another thing they love to say is “Government is the problem!”- (McCain says it a lot) doesn’t it just make you wanna say- hey asshole- you ARE the government! You’re saying then YOU ARE the problem! Here’s an idea- why don’t you just do your fucking job?!

When a boss asked me to print out a proposal I was supposed to put together for him, I didn’t say- “Oh, you don’t want ME doing that…” He’d have said, “yeah I do, ass- that’s why I’m paying you.”

Another thing- politicians when they say this like to quote Ronald Reagan who said that “…government is not the solution to the problem, government IS the problem…” And again, whether you dig Reagan or not is not the point, Reagan said this ABOUT the assholes in government- when a politician repeats it, he/ she is insulting themselves! If you’re the fucking problem, asshole, then why are you asking me to A) vote for you, B) listen to anything you say.

In closing, let me just say this- F you politicians who say, “Government is the problem.” Fix the fucking problem then.

(By the way, November 16th is "write a non-funny blog post" day.)
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Monday, November 15, 2010

What Sucks…People Who Take To YouTube With A Mandolin, To Cover “The Boss”

Lookit, a lot of times, it may very well work. This blog is about what sucks, not just blindly hating. People do a cover of a song on an ukulele or mandolin and a lot of other people dig it. It may not be my thing necessarily, but that’s okay.

‘Cept when it comes to the Boss.

Come on man, the Boss does not do Ren-Fairs.

Seriously. Two Hearts?
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Friday, November 12, 2010

What Sucks…Catching Up

Sorry everyone- I’ve been in a mad crunch lately trying to rid the world of suckiness and get myself some god-damn steady work. Let the post-dating and make-up blog entries begin! (It actually began yesterday.)

So, for today, no entry, just this picture of Jim Belushi to reflect on.
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Thursday, November 11, 2010

What Sucks Classic...Perez Hilton’s Early Work!

You say the name Perez Hilton to people today and they immediately recognized it as a “Super-Blogger” whose website gets millions of hits and who even has his own TV show. But Perez Hilton wasn’t always the huge success story he is now- as a matter of fact, some of his early work did not go over too well at all.

This was a time for national pride, and besides, why would anyone draw space antennae on someone in an actual spacesuit?

It just wasn’t one small step for man, one giant step for drawing jizz on people’s faces.

Adding to the confusion, 35 years before it happened, he was somehow able to see named “Katie Holmes”, before she was even born, yelling for help from planet earth.
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Wednesday, November 10, 2010

What Sucks…John Boehner

Making some kind of a point against Nancy Pelosi, Boehner says as speaker he'll fly commercial. Hear that airports? I guess you’re officially on...say it with me, America…Orange Alert!
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Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Friday, November 05, 2010

Thursday, November 04, 2010

What Sucks…Clint McCance

I was going to talk about how much of a douche-monger Arkansas School Board member Clint McCance is, but Mr. Sulo, aka George Takei totally beat me to it, and in the process, pwns him big time.

So thanks George Takei for doing our job today and calling this douchebag, a, well, douchebag.
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Tuesday, November 02, 2010

What Sucks…America: A What Sucks Voters Guide

Well, it looks like it’s too late and too energy consuming to weigh in on this thing, the way it should be weighed in on. Today will be a shitstorm of epic proportions.

I get that our economy blows, I am feeling it personally big time but instead of holding to the fire those responsible, and bringing to the table measures that would prevent it from happening again, a decision was made to dress up like Williams Daniels in 1776.

Just to catch you up in case you’ve been avoiding facing the unpleasant facts, apparently there was a big movement this past year by a bunch of people called “Tea Partiers” who claimed they wanted to take “government back” and then, after being co-opted by a few other major assholes, threw up for election a bunch of fucking psychopaths.

Of course, our media, especially the cable news networks, threw fuel on the fire by featuring the Tea Party on TV every three seconds while largely avoiding talking about them being started and funded by a political action group whose goal it was to keep health insurance in the hands of large corporations rather than have it be made affordable for everyday folk.

A lot of signs were misspelled, a lot of firey, nonsensical rhetoric spoken, and a lot of novelty 3-cornered hats were purchased and all of this leads up today, Election Day.

Fortunately, all this does make for a rather easy WhatSucksBlog voters guide. Here goes and yes of course, I shouldn’t have to say any of this.

1) Do NOT vote for anyone who has come out publicly against masturbation and compared it to adultery ESPECIALLY if they are one time may have dabbled in witchcraft.

2) Do NOT vote for someone who thinks that Sharia Law has been implemented in two cities in the US and who also falsely claims to be Asian!

3) Do NOT vote for someone who sends bestiality videos around to counteract his incredibly racist videos ESPECIALLY if the dude is from Buffalo.

Do your best to at least follow these 3 rules. And remember, you can’t undo what was done in 8 years in two years.
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Monday, November 01, 2010

What Sucks…Sexy Chewbacca, Sexy Sesame Street

Hey Halloween- keep it in your pants!

Lookit, I don’t want to have to do this every year, but it seems like I am going to have to. And again, don’t take this to mean I don’t want women treating this holiday as an opportunity to take their own personal slut-torials but come on, let’s make it at least LOOK like we’re making an effort to wear legitimate costumes sexy or not.

Case in point, Chewbacca is a 6’11, furry, masculine, Wookie. He’s buddies with Han Solo and together the travel the universe in search of adventure. To use the word “stretch” to cover the idea that Chewy could in any way be “hot” is a borderline sacrilege. Here, look…

…that should not have given anyone wood in any way, shape or manner. PS, thanks to the horrible final Star Wars movie (I mean the last one theatrically released, not “final” in the sense that Return of the Jedi was final, I mean the one with Jimmy Smits in the last scene…) we ALSO now know what female Wookies look like, and well, it ain’t like the above.

Oh, wait a second, forget everything I just said, cause now for Halloween, we’re getting dressed up a “hot Sesame Street characters”.

Nice. So, if you leave your home on “All Hallows Eve” hoping to perhaps get a chance to bone Big Bird, you’re in luck, for the 65 percent of my readers who don’t, we lose again.

Halloween constume designing pervs, stop trying to make things that aren’t hot, hot- what’s next for next year- a “sexy” Brooke Hogan costume? Oh yeah, you’re right that was a “Brooke Hogan’s a Man Sneak Attack”.
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What Sucks…Randy Quaid

Portrait of a dude who is bat-shit crazy. The shitter is broke, big time.
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