Thursday, September 30, 2010

Greg Giraldo 1965-2010

Comedy lost one of its best stand ups at the way too young age of 44 today. Greg Giraldo was not only an incredibly smart and funny comic, he was also one who was extremely helpful and generous to myself and many of my friends. He will be missed tremendously and his loss is as sad as it was unnecessary.

Normally I like to have fun with this area of the blog, when people die, etc. as many of my regular readers (5-6 people) know. However that will not be the case with this particular posting. I will say this, personally speaking, when I wrote something to be considered to work for Greg on his Comedy Central show a few years back and was told by him that he liked it, it not only made my day, it basically made my year and then some. To have someone as talented as he say something nice about something you put together, well that kind of thing makes your heart soar. He was an excellent comic and good guy.

A fund has been set up for Greg’s family and kids and you can donate here if you are so inclined. I’ll repost this probably in the middle of the week to get that link out.

The link is here as well if you want to cut and paste it into a tweet or your FB status.
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Wednesday, September 29, 2010

What Sucks...The New Harry Potter Movie

Really? Another movie with these actors? They’re getting old- I heard the name of the next film is “Harry Potter & the AARP Application”!

Blog note: I know I used the same premise like ten days ago, but I’m cleaning out the notebook here, so deal with it!
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What Sucks…Live-Tweeting Your Own Heart Attack

Dude, put the Blkberry down, there is no honor in being the first person to “live-tweet” their own heart attack. And I’m not just saying that because I had my money on @DonutEveryDay to do it first!
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And come see what Ellen thinks is so amusing/ disturbing!
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Monday, September 27, 2010

What Sucks…The Nets

I hope they get Carmelo Anthony. Not because I’m a fan or anything but because lets look at what has gone down recently…

Last year they lose 70 games and have an all time horrible season. They’re then bought by some “Russian millionaire” (two of the least comforting words when used consecutively in the English language) who is all like- “I vill make ze Nets unt vinner.” Veteran NBA GM Rod Thorn disappears "resigns". And then they get NO interest from Lebron James even with Jay Z making the call. Next thing you know, they’re moved to Newark.

This is how it happens with Russian dudes, isn’t it? Why not just make this year’s slogan- “The 2010 Nets- you saw the 2nd season of the Wire, right?”

New Jersey Nets, 1967-2010.
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What Sucks…Funny Web Video: Sully Baseball Video Blog or “Vlog”

Not comfortable using the word “Vlog”, what can I say. Anyway, as a Yankee fan (greatest sports franchise ever) I am naturally inclined to hate the Red Sox and everything about them. Just the mere mention of them - ugh they are the worst!!!!! Act like you've been there before!!!! Makes my skin crawl- HOWEVER, friend of WhatSucksBlog and avid Red Sox fan, Paul Sullivan, whose baseball blog offers great reading for baseball fans who also happen to be insane like he is, threw up a pretty funny video blog and I wish he’d do more.

Check it out. Then bombard his comment section about how Curt Schilling is an insufferable prick. Or cut and paste this in, if you don’t have the time:

“Hey Sully, Curt Schilling is an insufferable prick!”
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Friday, September 24, 2010

What Sucks…Katy Perry Banned From Sesame Street

Katy Perry’s segment on Sesame Street getting yanked pulled taken out because her awesome boobs were too much for moms and dads to take she was showing too much cleavage? Holy joke fiesta! Come on America, join the fun (without being racist) in the comment section!

This is what you get when you have a show that is brought to you by the letters T&A!

I heard that the producers knew something was wrong when Elmo said he was going back to his trailer to tickle himself!

For the rest of the afternoon, the Count couldn’t get past “two” without laughing to himself.

Katy looked so hot, Ernie almost left Burt for her!

After the segment Cookie Monster said – “Fuck cookies- gimme Tits!

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Thursday, September 23, 2010

What Sucks…Blogs & Their Coverage of Jennifer Aniston

Enough haters! You’re obsessed! We get it- she can’t keep a man. She lost Brad Pitt, John Mayer, Vince Vaughn. She can’t be with anyone. She’s lonely! She recently took the “Who Are You In Sex & The City?” Quiz on Facebook and got Magda, Miranda’s nanny- enough, blogs! Get off her back – this is the girl who was in Office Space. She did awesome movies like The Breakup Office Space and Marley & Me Office Space! Her performance in Office Space should count for some good will, is what I’m saying. Plus, ask yourself this- are we talking about Jennifer Aniston being unable to maintain a relationship with another human being, or are we talking about…you? Mind blown? You’re welcome.
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Wednesday, September 22, 2010

What Sucks…The Jets

To catcall a female reporter, no matter how hot she looks in the pictures you find on google images in flat out juvenile- and guess what, the NFL and the Jets agree with me. Please- set an example for the rest of the league, Jets, and make an effort to treat all female reporters with the same high standards enjoyed by ESPN’s Shelley Smith.
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Tuesday, September 21, 2010

What Sucks…Michael Vick: A What Sucks Football Fantasy Reminder


Michael Vick is now the starter for the Eagles so if you have him in your fantasy league, put him in your line-up. Also, as he’ll be practicing all week and won’t have any time for anything else… if you have him in your dog-fighting league, sit him down.
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Monday, September 20, 2010

What Sucks…The NCAA, Reggie Bush

Making Reggie Bush forfeit his Heisman? Wow. MAJOR blow to his legacy, now it’s likely he’ll be remembered SOLELY for having sex with Kim Kardashian. What will he tell his grandkids? Oh yeah, that he had sex with Kim Kardashian. A lot.

And won a Super Bowl.

UPDATE: The discussion of this story has lead to Charles Barkley to admit he took money from agents when he was in college- nice attempt to get Kim Kardashian to sleep with you dude- ain’t gonna work!

UPDATE II: I took money from agents when I was in college too, Kim! #justincase
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What Sucks…“Doctor” Who Does Designer Vages, Who Also Sexually Harasses His Employees! Perv Watch: Vol. 32

Never good when your gynecologist makes the news.

Holy shit, let’s see, where do we start?

First off, let’s face facts, any dude who becomes a gynecologist is ¾ of the way home in the race to be a perv. I’m sorry, that’s just the way it is. I mean, sure- it’s a great idea on paper- be a gynecologist- right? Women coming in all the time- you make major coin…well, as any gynecologist will tell you, that’s all fantasy.

I heard that DAY TWO of “gyne school” (that’s what they call it), they tell you the truth. They bring the slide show in and show you EXACTLY what you’ll be doing- they show you the old women- the old vages- the vages that were made in the 1950’s! They show you the boobs you have to “examine”- boobs that have marks where they scrape against BELT BUCKLES! They show you the bodies who will be coming in for care and let me tell you this- sorry to offend but, it all works out like that nude scene in Schindler’s List.

Okay- DAY THREE of gyne school? Drop out day. Every Gynecology school in the country and 2/3rds of those in South America, lose 65 percent of their student body on Day 3. That’s how they separate the pervs from the even bigger, more determined pervs. By the way, you can look ALL of this up. Google “What Sucks” & “Gynecology School” and it should come right up. That’s also why gyne schools make you pay more for orientation week than any other schools, because they know after Day Three, you are likely gone. By the way that 65 percent number accounts for prospective men AND WOMEN students, you want to isolate the men, the number comes out to more like 71 percent in the States, and weirdly 54 percent in South America- I don’t know how but it goes down there, be wary of South American gynecologists.

Now, if you go all the way to gyne school, make it past day two and the slide show, make it past all the tests and studying you have to do, then make it past the internship you have-which are rough, okay – there is no “in house gynecologist on the set of America’s Next Top Model- AND THEN you become someone who wants to perform plastic surgery on vages and call them “DESIGNER VAGINAS”, well then the dye is cast and you my friend, are a perv- and that’s something fucking Israelis and Palestinians can agree upon.

Throw in the fact that this dude here has the good taste to grow a porny mustache, sexually harass his employees, and be Asian, we’re talking huge, gigantic perv, Perv Hall of Fame material.

Some RATE MY MD Links that should be funny when everyone reads the papers this morning.
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Friday, September 17, 2010

What Sucks…People Magazine

Is this the cover of the new People Magazine, because something is making me think that if you pull out a little on this shot….’s an ad for a school that teaches photoshop. And just so you know, folks at People magazine, “Kate Gosselin on the cover, in a bikini” sounds more the solution to the murder in the worst game of Clue played in hell, than anything I would ever want to see, ever.

ALT JOKES FOR THIS PIECE INCLUDE: (Italics indicate funny parts)
What, you trying to change the name of your magazine to "People...You Don't Want To See In A Bikini"?!

Is this for her new show "Kate Plus 8...Airbrushes?!"

Jon Gosselin are you eating your heart out? No? Didn't think so, even for you.
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Thursday, September 16, 2010

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Chick From Housewives of DC, Voters in Delaware, Gabourney Sidibe, Bridalplasty

If Ferris Bueller were around and not a fictional character, and had a cynicism one attains by not living life in an incredibly rich neighborhood in some suburb of Chicago where you can arbitrarily decide whether or not you want to go to school, he might have said this-

“Shit that sucks in life moves pretty fast and if you don’t stop and look around every once in a while, you might just miss some of it. The shit that sucks, I mean.”
My point is that the suckiness is flying fast and furious- you blink for one second, you’re playing catch up. Like this…

…The Chick From Housewives of DC Who Wandered Into The White House That Time

Says she will be posing for Playboy. Well, not so much posing as wandering into the frame uninvited and THIS WAS AN EASY JOKE TO WRITE!

…Delaware Republicans

THE WORLD: Hey, there’s a psychopath who not only has come out against spanking the monkey, but also thinks it’s the same thing as adultery AND went on MTV a bunch of years ago to talk about, oh yeah and Sarah Palin totally says we should vote for her.

DELAWARE: Oh. Okay, sounds good ‘cause I’m angry that we have a black President large deficits even though I elected George W. Bush to 2 terms and it didn't seem to bug me then!

…Gabourney Sidibe

A controversy about lightening her skin? Aren’t we burying the lead here folks by not mentioning that she was on the cover of this magazine and it WASN’T a double issue? Look, if you know anything about this, Elle Magazine did an article about the 25 most influential women in their 20’s and Gabourney was #11...through 19! Let's face it in her short career, she's had a big impact- on sidewalks! Whoo-hoo she’s fat!


So you know those crazy cults who are always trying to trigger the end of the world through some crazy human sacrifice or something? Well, they formed a production company, pitched someone at E! and sold a show where brides to be compete and the winner gets to get plastic surgery on their wedding day. Congrats lunatics!
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Wednesday, September 15, 2010

What Sucks…Hey VMA’s, Why Do You Hate Eyes?!

I'm sorry, put this image- a psychopath wearing a meat suit, next to a septuagenarian in a in a mesh body suit that she shouldn’t have worn 20 years ago, right next to that naked Vietnamese girl running from napalm, the Vietnamese dude getting executed on the street and this picture of Meg Ryan as far as all time disturbing images are concerned.

Not sure if the viewership of the VMA’s is continuing its downward trend but if it is, for next year they might want to reconsider putting women old enough to be grandmoms in mesh bodysuits in plain view. Its not the age thing- I get that people are asking for Betty White to be in stuff, they’re just not asking for her to be in a bikini!
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Tuesday, September 14, 2010

What Sucks…Lady Gaga

Come on! A meat dress? Look people- I can’t be everywhere at all times, all right? And I’m not asking you to do my job for me but come on- if you’re in Los Angeles at 6PM on a Sunday night and see some wacko wearing a meat dress walk by you, YES it would be perfectly fine to stop that shit by any means necessary!

First Ke$ha is allowed to put a dollar sign – A FUCKING DOLLAR $IGN- in her name and we just let it happen, now this lunatic is allowed to wear a fucking meat suit. (WITH MATCHING MEAT BAG!)

Someone should have said something the second she was asked on the red carpet who she was wearing and replied “Boarshead”!

You people know that Lady Gaga is going to be a popular outfit for women this Halloween, right? Ricky’s is gonna have to add a fridge!

We're gonna lose 50 million “sexy cats” for a bunch of chicks wearing meat? Not even Omar Minaya would make that deal!

Worst of all, the meat dress takes away from all the other fucked up things this mental patient wears. And sadly, she wasn’t the only one wearing one!

By the way, how do we know Lady Gaga meant to wear this thing- maybe she's not this crazy, rebellious artist and perhaps she just really sucks at buying leather!

UPDATE/ CORRECTION: Sorry, LadyGaga WAS the only one at the VMAs wearing a meat dress. (Sorry for the confusion, I was thrown off by Ke$ha’s skin.)
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Monday, September 13, 2010

What Sucks Presents…Monday Afternoon Links Martindale

A Links Martindale for you all, while I sort out all this Lady Gaga shit.

…I don’t keep it a secret that I live in Hoboken (the Prague of New Jersey) but here’s an unintentionally funny read that is supposed to highlight the number of the living mayors being all in the same place at one time, but turns out to be a listing of each of their crimes and how much time they all did. The guy missing, Peter Cammarano couldn’t make the event because he’s currently IN jail. Suck on that New Orleans!

…Via my buddy Ritch, here’s a trailer to a movie that I will never see.

…A new weapon in the battle to protect tits from being seen.

…Not to get all political on your asses, but I kind of don’t feel that bad about it in a week where not only do we commemorate the 9th anniversary of 9/11 but also “book burnings” trend on google and yahoo. Here’s a happy ending where idiots save us from morons.

…An All-New episode of Ben & Alex: The Interviews, from friends of WhatSucksBlog, Ben & Alex!

…Podcast recommendation of the week- talented comic, 5 time author and friend of WhatSucksBlog Bob Powers, appearing on Proudly Resents- the bad movie podcast with another friend of WhatSucksBlog, Adam "Spiegs" Spieglemen. This time, they rip Couples Retreat a new one.

...funny Twitter feed of the week, friend of WhatSucksBlog,@DamienFahey
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Friday, September 10, 2010

What Sucks…Joe Jackson

Joe Jackson the other day defended his harsh- beat your ass- disciplinarian ways he used in raising Michael saying he had to be that strict to, I shit you not- keep his son out of gangs.

Yeah, also keeping Michael Jackson out of gangs- everything else about Michael Jackson! What gang were you trying to keep him out of, Joe? The Sharks and the Jets?


...I think you may have overdone it a little…
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Thursday, September 09, 2010

What Sucks…Quick Hits: TI, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, That Little White Thing/ Base You Get When You Buy A New iPod, Lady Gaga


Taken into custody with his wife on drug charges. I know, shocking…that the arrest had nothing to do with guns!

…The Latest Harry Potter Movie

This is the 7th movie at this point, enough- these kids are getting old- I heard the next one is called “Harry Potter & The Wizard Who Gets Up 3 Times A Night To Pee”!

…That Little White Thing They Give You When You Buy A New iPod

Thanks Apple for going that extra mile and giving me that iUselessPieceofShitPlasticThing when I buy a new iPod.

…Lady Gaga

Wearing a meat bikini? Clearly this is just another example of Lady Gaga trying to get attention…from tigers!
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Wednesday, September 08, 2010

What Sucks...Yahoo Trending

Come on folks, you’re telling me that at one particular moment in time these were among the top ten things people were looking for on Yahoo? Niecy Nash? Dental Sealants? Bettlejuice? Snooki, Whoopi Goldberg and Online Degrees? We can do better than this!

I hope “online degrees” is there because as a collective a bunch of you realized you were spending your time looking up the 3rd hottest chick on Battlestar Galactica and the mouth breather Snooki and decided y’all needed to do something different with your lives!

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What Sucks…Josh Duhamel

Jesus, how bad a person was this guy BEFORE he met Fergie?!
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Tuesday, September 07, 2010

What Sucks…The Reaper

Robert Schimmel
, one of the funniest comics ever to talk into a microphone, died over the weekend from injuries sustained in a car accident. Schimmel had numerous, hilarious HBO specials and was also known for his great appearances on Howard Stern. His well-documented battle with cancer was the subject of his book “Cancer On 5 Dollars a Day (Chemo Not Included)”.

Robert Schimmel is one of those comedians where you can basically look at any clip of his and find yourself laughing. I’m trying to track down this bit that had me crying when I first heard it about how he once checked into a hotel room and tried to get a smoke free room and ended up getting into an argument with the hotel guy- it’s only about a 1 minute thing, but it absolutely kills me every time I hear it. Anyway, just enter his name into a YouTube search and if you’re not laughing your ass off within 15 seconds, I will refund your money for reading this blog.

In closing let me say this- F You, Reaper and RIP, Robert Schimmel.
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Friday, September 03, 2010

What Sucks Presents: Sucks To Be...This Guy, Yonni Barrios

A) You’re stuck in a mine in Chile with a bunch of other dudes and it looks like you’re basically screwed. There is limited air, they’re telling you that for some reason they can’t get you out of there for months and you’re basically splitting a Chicklet piece of gum 30 different ways for food. And yes, I will address this because I know my readers- I don’t even KNOW how they’re handling the bathroom situation thank God there’s limited food re: the poop factor.

B) As if the above doesn’t suck enough, your wife comes to the hole you’re buried down in for a candlelight vigil AND MEETS YOUR MISTRESS!


WOMAN ONE: Hey, who are you here to see today?
WOMAN TWO: Ugh. My boyfriend Yonni. I am so worried.
WOMAN ONE: Me too, my husband is down there, wait his name is Yonni too. I wonder how many Yonni’s work at this mine?
WOMAN TWO: Well, mine is married to a woman he says doesn’t understand him if that helps….
WOMAN ONE: Yonni! I hope you make it out of there alive so I can kill you!

Yes, I know in my world every conversation in a Latin American country plays out like a 1980’s sitcom but still this is a little bit of an awkward exchange and a major bummer for Yonni who in a month will be like, “Oh Jesu Christo! Take me back to ze mine!”

Mine as a cockblocker, yet another way mines suck.

BLOG NOTE: Have a great and ironic “Labor Day” as so many of us are out of work please remember to think of all those out there who worked 18 months ago to fund the unemployment you are hopefully getting today. WhatSucksBlog will be back Tuesday.
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Thursday, September 02, 2010

What Sucks Presents: Just In Case You Thought The Human Race Was In Any Way Redeemable, Vol 3: Woman Throws Puppies Into A River!

Okay, there is video to this here, (I can’t get myself to embed it) but I seriously warn you, it is of a piece-of-human-garbage woman literally throwing defenseless puppies into a creek so that they drown. It is the type of thing that has no irony, no sick-humor quality. It’s shot unimaginatively and the person doing this horrible thing is not drunk or whacked out on drugs or anything- watching this video will ruin your day, so don’t.

The way the woman does it too, with this sickeningly casual attitude is something she should be made to pay for. There’s a YouTube video quality to it, she kind of senses the “craziness” of the whole situation. I really hope she one day runs into a bear or something. I’m not the type of person who is an animal freak either- hell, if these were baby sharks or snakes or scorpions or even Chihuahuas I would have probably posted the video, except her throwing baby sharks into a river wouldn’t be serving the same purpose, but you know what I mean.

Anyway, special place in hell for this lady and for a mankind that would do something to this woman somewhere along the line that would allow for her to think it was okay to do this. I don’t think other animals do this. And if they do, they certainly don’t video tape it.

Too many people on this Earth.

UPDATE: Apparently they think she is from Bosnia, I mean I don't know how but you know, that's right about where all those Hostel movies take place so, you know, good guess.
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Wednesday, September 01, 2010

What Sucks…Paris Hilton

Bad news for Paris Hilton, good news for dudes who like to spank it to mug-shots, Paris was arrested this weekend in Vegas for possession of cocaine. I don’t have all the facts yet but from what I can discern, police first became suspicious when they saw Paris Hilton in Vegas.

Cough. In. The. Hand. While. Saying. “Coke. Whore.”

Note to Paris: be careful in Vegas at the end of the month, the coppers have that “vapid C-word, heiress" arrest quota to fill and you will always be a sitting duck!
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