Tuesday, August 31, 2010

What Sucks…Heidi Montag


A marriage lies in ruins, one man is dead and now his legacy of performing 10 plastic surgery procedures on one woman, in one day, is in jeopardy. This is the saga of Heidi Montag’s boobs.

I try not to write a lot about Heidi Montag here because I don’t want to know anything about her. I never was a fan of The Hills or the show that came before/ after it, and I felt like, she wasn’t my problem. She was something that MTV wrought on the world. MTV is the Fox News for young people by the way. Fox News creates and gives unfettered airtime to a-holes for adults (Glenn Beck, Palin, etc.), MTV does the same thing for younger people (The Hills cast, Jersey Shore, etc.) There are differences of course, MTV cares about people with HIV, Fox pays the people who appear and staff their shows. But I digress- this is about Heidi.

Lately, it seems Heidi been making a push to have people recognize her for sucking and being that this blog basically functions on a Suck-meritocracy, fine- I’ll talk about her.

Add “having giant F-cup sized cans” to the ever growing list of things Heidi Montag can’t do, as she announced this week she will be under-going surgery to have her breast implants removed. Yes, Heidi Montag’s sized F boobs, we hardly knew ya, and I am sure you will be the highlight of next year’s “In Memoriam” at the Idiot Awards which I am told will be hosted by…......... (hmm, what name to put in this joke…) ……….. (who’s it gonna be?) ………… (Spencer Pratt?) ……. (Heidi herself?) ….. (go outside with a ‘Sarah Palin?’) …. (maybe the goes “hostless” like the Golden Globes- or is that just what an award show says when they can’t book a host?!) ….. (will this segment make the Deconstruction Awards held the week AFTER the Idiot Awards?)….

Hosted by Neil Patrick Harris! Come on, you produce a show called the “Idiot Awards” I don’t care who you are you KNOW this guy is gonna bring the goods- he can sing, he can dance- he’s likeable- bring him in, MAKE THE DEAL!

Anyway so, Heidi is having her oversized fake puppies removed. It’s actually a poignant story, (she says she made the decision after she looked in the mirror and could hardly recognize the idiot looking back at her). So as documented by WhatSucksBlog in the past, these are the things that Heidi has pretty much proven she can’t…

Sing
Dance
Act
Read (probably)
Have gigantic cans

(Ah, she also sucks as a fashion designer and a person but I don't want to write 700 words here!)

I’m not even adding “pick husbands” because clearly she is retarded and whatever Spencer Pratt gets off her other than a hug he will have to answer to the Lord about…

Oh wait, there’s (at least) one more-

Make a successful sex tape.

Heidi apparently recently made a sex tape with Playboy model Karissa Shannon which was stolen by her ex-husband (renown douche Spencer Pratt), shopped to Vivid Entertainment for distribution and then basically put on a shelf because I am guessing no one was into it.

In this day and age to fail at a sex tape- good lord, Kim Kardashian has one!- it’s just in excusable.

Heidi Montag’s fake boobs, RIP.
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