Tuesday, August 31, 2010

What Sucks…Heidi Montag

A marriage lies in ruins, one man is dead and now his legacy of performing 10 plastic surgery procedures on one woman, in one day, is in jeopardy. This is the saga of Heidi Montag’s boobs.

I try not to write a lot about Heidi Montag here because I don’t want to know anything about her. I never was a fan of The Hills or the show that came before/ after it, and I felt like, she wasn’t my problem. She was something that MTV wrought on the world. MTV is the Fox News for young people by the way. Fox News creates and gives unfettered airtime to a-holes for adults (Glenn Beck, Palin, etc.), MTV does the same thing for younger people (The Hills cast, Jersey Shore, etc.) There are differences of course, MTV cares about people with HIV, Fox pays the people who appear and staff their shows. But I digress- this is about Heidi.

Lately, it seems Heidi been making a push to have people recognize her for sucking and being that this blog basically functions on a Suck-meritocracy, fine- I’ll talk about her.

Add “having giant F-cup sized cans” to the ever growing list of things Heidi Montag can’t do, as she announced this week she will be under-going surgery to have her breast implants removed. Yes, Heidi Montag’s sized F boobs, we hardly knew ya, and I am sure you will be the highlight of next year’s “In Memoriam” at the Idiot Awards which I am told will be hosted by…......... (hmm, what name to put in this joke…) ……….. (who’s it gonna be?) ………… (Spencer Pratt?) ……. (Heidi herself?) ….. (go outside with a ‘Sarah Palin?’) …. (maybe the goes “hostless” like the Golden Globes- or is that just what an award show says when they can’t book a host?!) ….. (will this segment make the Deconstruction Awards held the week AFTER the Idiot Awards?)….

Hosted by Neil Patrick Harris! Come on, you produce a show called the “Idiot Awards” I don’t care who you are you KNOW this guy is gonna bring the goods- he can sing, he can dance- he’s likeable- bring him in, MAKE THE DEAL!

Anyway so, Heidi is having her oversized fake puppies removed. It’s actually a poignant story, (she says she made the decision after she looked in the mirror and could hardly recognize the idiot looking back at her). So as documented by WhatSucksBlog in the past, these are the things that Heidi has pretty much proven she can’t…

Read (probably)
Have gigantic cans

(Ah, she also sucks as a fashion designer and a person but I don't want to write 700 words here!)

I’m not even adding “pick husbands” because clearly she is retarded and whatever Spencer Pratt gets off her other than a hug he will have to answer to the Lord about…

Oh wait, there’s (at least) one more-

Make a successful sex tape.

Heidi apparently recently made a sex tape with Playboy model Karissa Shannon which was stolen by her ex-husband (renown douche Spencer Pratt), shopped to Vivid Entertainment for distribution and then basically put on a shelf because I am guessing no one was into it.

In this day and age to fail at a sex tape- good lord, Kim Kardashian has one!- it’s just in excusable.

Heidi Montag’s fake boobs, RIP.
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Monday, August 30, 2010

What Sucks…This Past Weekend

So, 87 thousand people go to DC to see Glenn Beck speak, and then I have to watch Jewel sing during the “hey, who died this year?” part of the Emmys. Not our best 48 hours as a country.

Also, let me be the zillionth person to ask this re: the Glenn Beck thing that he called “restoring honor”- one of the things I heard bandied around was that he was “reclaiming” the Civil Rights movement? Now, I know that I probably could get an answer to this by doing a little bit of a google search and all but that would mean I would have to spend time googling things about Glenn Beck and there is NO way I am doing that so let me just ask…who are you “reclaiming” the Civil Rights movement from? Minorities? Because, white asshole, if you do that um, aren’t minorities going to have to go and get a whole other Civil Rights movement? The whole point of the thing was that they needed a movement to get equal rights, if you reclaim the movement, which you never “claimed” in the first place…


The Jewel singing during the “In Memoriam” part of the Emmys, just like the Queen Latifah singing during the one at the Oscars has to stop. This is about a body count, not slow fades to a singer. You want to put YoYo Ma there to play the saddest instrument ever, fine but no more singers.

Other Emmy lowlights included…

Gasoline was NOT poured on the Red Carpet prior to the event and therefore making the act of dropping of a match on it at the height of all the arrivals inconsequential. Subsequently there was no giant river of fire engulfing the stars of “The Big Bang Theory”, Jon Cryer and every True Blood cast member save for the dude who played Sobotka on the 2nd year of The Wire (he gets a lifetime pass!). Producers REALLY have to look into this for next year.

Kate Gosselin's appearance in the opening. I understand that the joke was that she couldn’t dance and all and I get it, but the mere image of her going from a human’s eyes to their brain is really, really horrifying and extremely prohibitive to laughing or pleasure of any sort.

Everyone seems to be complaining about January Jones, and what she was wearing. I like to point out what she WASN’T wearing – a Nazi armband and for that I give kudos.

Some highlights…

No Heigl.

No one seemed to puke during an acceptance or a presentation.

They seemed to do a good job keeping Ke$ha out of the whole thing.

They let some people dress like it was a rodeo.
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Thursday, August 26, 2010

What Sucks…Buy This Book! Our Bodies Our Junk

As I have said on numerous occasions, I think reading is for nerds- not just nerds, BIG TIME nerds. As a matter of fact when a book review says “if you read one book this year…” I feel like they are talking to me because, basically that’s what I’m good for- one book a year.

So when I recommend a read, know it’s pretty much worth your time and is either filled with boobies, or great jokes. “Sex: Our Bodies Our Junk”, written by a team of very funny dudes including friend of WhatSucksBlog and former writer for Late Night With Conan O’Brien and The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien, Todd Levin (who also does the great Tremble.com has both!

So put a crow bar in your wallet, and hit up this link at Amazon and buy this thing- and to quote the Cos, if you’re not careful, you just might learn something.

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Tuesday, August 24, 2010

What Sucks Salutes Shitty Parents!

Take a bow shitty parents, you may not be getting a “Mom or Dad of the Year” award, but you are definitely getting mentioned on one of the top blogs in America (or A-MORE-ICA, I’m telling you- use that- you’ll get all sorts of young, liberal, college strange!) First up…

…The Parents of “Adolf Hitler” (and “Aryan Nation”) Campbell!

Heath & Deborah Campbell
, who you remember once found themselves in a big mess when they tried to get someone at a Shop Rite to write “Happy Birthday Adolf Hitler” on a cake, lost custody of their kids recently due to charges of domestic violence. Nice work child services, not enough they used horrific rhetoric by saddling their kids with a name like “Hitler”, you had to wait till they were violent to move? Who are you, America (A-MORE-ICA) in the early 1940’s? So now the kids are in foster care, presumably being called by initials of some sort. By the way and just so you know, the world is still yet to see someone with a kid named "Adolf Hitler" be a good parent.

…Laurence Fishburne

Look, I know the popular take on story this is to show Morpheus as a victim, and his daughter as an embarrassment who “always wanted to do porn” but come on, somewhere along the line he had to screw up as a dad. A porn star with a normal parent is basically un-American. I just hope her career stops before she is handed the script (or at least shot list?) to “The MatriXXX”, “Boyz N The HO…od” and “What’s Lust Got To Do With It”. (Sorry for those weak-ass porn parody titles, but I just realized that the film “Boyz N The Hood”, used the “N” for the word “IN”, yet went with the normal spelling of “THE” instead of “DA”. Why didn’t people flip out over that shit?)

…Dina Lohan

Her epic horrible-parent battle with ex-husband Michael is (un?)fortunately going to end with a body count. Here she is cracking under the questioning of Matt Lauer. MATT LAUER!
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Monday, August 23, 2010

What Sucks…A New Low

So 1 in 5 people in America (or as it should be called “A-MORE-i-ca” because we are always wanting more- use this expression around sensitive, earthly, college chicks it may get you laid if they're not already in their lesbian phase) believe our President is a Muslim.

I don’t know what to say other than, “sigh”. Do we have to allow these people to have a vote? Isn’t there some minimum retards can’t vote type of test we can institute? If not, let’s write our congressmen and see if we can get one done.

Here’s the article- a new low. Incidentally, this is the previous low.
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Friday, August 20, 2010

What Sucks…Dr. Laura

Outside of a bunch of 13 year-olds playing X-Box online, most white people have gotten it through their heads that they are not supposed to say the “N-Word”.

As a white person, it’s quite simple- doesn’t matter who else says it, or how they use it- you don’t. Look at it this way- as whitey, you basically have everything in this country anyway- you can go without trying to sound sophisticated/ hip/ gangsta/ or “funny” by saying the “N-Word”.

This goes double for shrill, mean, homosexual-bashing, family-values-championing (except when it comes to yourself), a-hole, radio show pseudo-shrinks who drop it 11 times in 45 seconds.

And then, you certainly don’t get to act all indignant when you resign from your highly paid gig as radio show host claiming that stepping down will allow you to “regain” your “first amendment rights”. Hey dipshit, read the 1st Amendment- first off, it’s prohibits the GOVERNMENT from taking away your right to speech, it doesn’t protect you from being called a douche when you say something racist and offensive. Additionally…when you made your Larry King “I’m retiring” announcement…

"The reason is, I want to regain my First Amendment rights. I want to be able to say what is on my mind..."

…you’re kind of passive aggressively saying that you’re retiring because the next time you say the “N-Word” you don’t want anyone to give you shit about it. Nice. Now, I'd love to spend the rest of this post calling you an a-hole, but this whole story has somehow dragged in Sarah Palin, who has decided to defend a woman who dropped the N-Word 11 times with a tweet or two of her own...

...which leads me to…

What Sucks Bonus…Sarah Palin

Hey moron, you ALSO need to understand the First Amendment as it pertains to criticism of someone rather than government silencing of an individual, and oh yeah and while you’re at it, try not to use the word “shackles” when defending someone’s right to use the “N-Word”. I will now begin the official “WhatSucksBlog Stupid-Ass Things Said By Sarah Palin” Count. And I’ll date it now so I don’t bury myself in research from all the stupid-ass things you’ve already said this year- so…

1. Defending the rights of a horrible person to use the “N-Word” and even though you were constrained to 140 characters, you still managed to use the word “Shackles”.
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Thursday, August 19, 2010

What Sucks…Blog Note

Sorry for the lack of updates recently but I went to visit my dad in Florida for a few days and well, let’s just say traveling with an infant sucks.

I’m gonna try and catch up on some stuff. Thanks for being patient and if you were on the flight from Newark to Tampa last Thursday, sorry- we tried to check him the airline said “no”.

While I have all of you in Blog Note mode, I will be redesigning and re-launching the blog/ site shortly and am currently looking for people who can help with the redesign- (blogspot is looking mighty low-tech these days) I can’t pay a ton but email me if you’re the type of person who’s good with that kind of thing at WhatSucksBlog@gmail.com and maybe we can have a convo about what is reasonable, etc.

Thanks, now back to the suck.
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Wednesday, August 18, 2010

What Sucks…Frankie Rodriguez

There's a special place in The Suckosphere™ for athletes who get into the kind of mess K-Rod or, Francisco Rodriquez as he will be referred to by lawyers, is in now. The reason for this, as if it even needs to be said, is that these ass-clowns get paid what is technically know as an “Ass-Ton” of money to play a game for a living and when they screw it up, it automatically makes them bigger a-holes than the person who just cut you off on the freeway, the guy who brings the barbeque chicken sandwich with him to eat ON THE PLANE and that asshole who is talking very loud on his blu-tooth phone thing.

Well, maybe not the blu-tooth guy. Anyway, here's what this K-Rod did in case your not someone who is into Sado Masochism the Mets.

In full view of teammates, teammate’s wives and teammate’s kids, he beat the shit out of his kids’ grandfather so much so he was arrested. Look, I’m all for elderly abuse and all but please let’s confine it to private settings! Oh yeah, then after being suspended for two days by the Mets (mixed message re: elderly abuse!), he comes back to reveal that he needs surgery on his hand (injured because he punched his kids’ granddad with his pitching hand) and is out for the year. The Mets are gonna do everything they can now to not pay him the 11 MILLION dollars they owe him for this year, which includes spending $10,999,999 on lawyers if it means they can get out of it.

So way to go K-Rod, nice job jeopardizing your remaining $27 Million contract to punch and old man. And welcome to the WhatSucksBlog A-hole Athlete Hall of Fame along with Plaxico Burress, Ben Roethlisberger, Michael Vick and whoever I’m forgetting who can’t just play a game and get paid crazy money for it.

By the way, this also goes a long way to prove my theory that anyone with a nickname that starts with a “K”, is a douchebag.
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Tuesday, August 17, 2010

What Sucks…The Reaper

I've had this thing going now for 2 weeks and I can’t wait anymore! I'm calling it!

Last night, today, later this evening, tomorrow, tomorrow night, on Thursday, no way this doesn’t go down till Friday but just in case- on this coming Friday, the Reaper took from us 93 year old celebrity, actress and socialite Zsa-Zsa Gabor.

Ms. Gabor will be remembered for her 8 marriages (7 divorces) and for slapping the face of a Beverly Hills police officer in 1989 when she was pulled of for a traffic violation- an action she then parodied in every Hollywood comedy release for the next 5 years.

Ms. Gabor recently celebrated her 24th wedding anniversary with her latest husband which speaks to how old she is as she can be married 24 years to someone in one lifetime and yet be married 8 times.

Ms Gabor 93 at press time when she dies is the last of the surviving Gabor sisters. Rest, and when you pass, RIP.
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Monday, August 16, 2010

What Sucks Salutes Giant Balls…James Dolan

Sorry I’m a late on this but every time I sit down to try and write it, I literally become enraged and the next time I look up I’ve written a 10,000 word “Uni-Bomber if he had a kid with the Sports Guy” type rant that is no good for anyone. I’ll try one more time.

When you make a decision that is so bad, and the decision I am talking about here is the James Dolan of the Knicks trying to bring Isiah Thomas back in the fold as a consultant- that the NBA has to step in and void it, you know, it a pretty bad decision because they usually don’t so obviously get involved in shit that way.

Just to shed a little light on the NBA’s “opinion” of the whole fiasco- the Knicks can not bring Isiah Thomas back as a consultant because he is a college coach and if he were to work for the Knicks, there would be a conflict of interest. The next thing you know the Lakers would hire Coach K, the Bulls would hire Tom Izzo and The Knicks would hire Roy Williams oh wait those a-holes would still have ISIAH THOMAS!

Words fail to express the outrage, frustration and with any accuracy the pure size and circumference of the balls needed to consider- even AS A JOKE- bringing back to the Knicks in any way, shape, or form- (other than to publicly execute at halftime of next year’s season opener) Isiah Thomas.

You’d literally need basketball-sized balls to even bring the concept up in a conversation. To contemplate bringing back a guy whose moves as Knick President & GM the Knick organization is STILL trying to recover from 3 years after his departure, is nothing short of a slap in the face fans who just now are beginning to think that MAYBE their kids will be able to, in their lifetime, experience a relevant Knick team.

If Isiah Thomas was responsible for Eddie Curry alone, bringing him back would show horrific judgment. But Eddy Curry is only one small part of what Isiah Thomas did to the Knicks. One small part. People should be writing songs about how shitty Isiah Thomas was- 2 Hall of Fame coaches canned, the Stevie Francis trade, the Stephon Marbury trade…Jerome James...Zach Randolph- Jalen Rose was on the Knicks at one point there! The sexual harassment law suit he lost- the Stephon Marbury quitting the team incident, then paying to attend a game and sit courtside while the Knicks played the Lakers. Isiah’s suicide attempt that he blamed on his daughter- each incident a bigger disgrace than the other- what the F would Isiah consult on- how to literally kill a Knick because that is the only thing he didn’t do.

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Friday, August 13, 2010

What Sucks…CNN.Com

Hey CNN.Com, do us all a favor and ACT like you give a shit, will ya? This is what passes as a headline for you guys? Justin Bieber saying Kim Kardashian is hot? Well let me blow your mind with this exclusive David Archuleta spanks it to pictures of Selena Gomez! Run with that one you lazy fuckers!
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Thursday, August 12, 2010

What Sucks Presents: Just In Case You Thought The Human Race Was In Any Way Redeemable, Vol 1: Marinating Cat!

(Via the very funny Chris Regan- follow him!)

Yeah. Not much to say about this one here. A dude was marinating his cat. In the trunk of his car. He was gonna eat the cat. EAT HIS CAT because he was having issues with the cat’s behavior. It might have happened had he not been pulled over by a cop for some traffic violation.

So, nice job humankind. Seriously, take a bow.

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Wednesday, August 11, 2010

What Sucks…The Media

Hey media, a gay guy jumped off of a plane, we get it. Holy shit can this thing be covered any more? The dude’s ex-wife was on the Today Show today, where, by the way, the media blew it again by NOT asking about the fact that the guy HAD A WIFE! So while completely over-covering a story, they miss a huge angle on the story. A rare, but not unprecedented “double suck” by the media. Amazing, sometimes you just have to sit back in awe of the suck parade.

Just for the record, Steven Slater, like most ticking time-bomb airline stewards/ stewardesses, are patsies for the horrific airlines they work for. Get used to more stories where the airline crews bail on their gigs- because who the hell can work a job where the people you deal with are incredibly pissed the second they walk on the plane, because the airline is…

A) putting them on a plane that is in all likelihood delayed
B) putting them on a plane that is cramped to all hell because anything that isn’t over-sold is conveniently cancelled due to bad weather somewhere.
C) charging you for your carrying
D) charging you for your checked bag
E) charging you for a blanket if you ask for one (not that you need a blanket but the idea here that, asking for money for that shitty blanket is okay in their minds)

Just be grateful this dude decided to grab his beers, tell everyone to go F themselves, open that door and get the hell out of JetPoo, when the plane was on the ground.

“…go F yourselves”- Steven Slater

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Tuesday, August 10, 2010

What Sucks…Dog Owners, “Dr. Fox, Animal Doctor” & Newspapers

This has got to be the worst letter ever written and responded to in the long history of newspapers. No wonder they’re going out of business, no one wants to read about people using baby-wipes on dog’s asses! I mean, Good LORD, this article is syndicated in countless newspapers across the country! Where are the editors?! The question contains the phrases “basset hound” and “anal region” for Christ sakes! Googling that alone is basis for dismissal in most companies!

And by the way, the scenario described in the question…

….does not have any winners. Dog-owner, you may think you are doing the right thing but your dog is 14 years old- please allow it the dignity to live out its remaining few weeks without the embarrassment of having you baby-wipe its ass. Or at least drop the wipes on your carpet so your dog can drag its own ass over the wipes while making it look like it still, has the mojo to drag its butt over your carpet. Also…

Your dog is old and you know…there are other dogs! Maybe think about it, you know? Are you going to diaper him next because, there’s a difference between being housebroken and spirit-broken.

Finally, Dr. Fox, telling people that they’re pet may be depressed because they’re asses stink may not take into account how depressed they’ll be when “owner lady” breaks out the “Huggie wipes”.
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Monday, August 09, 2010

What Sucks…Naomi Campbell

You know each day I go on the net and try and find stories to read and write and make jokes about and for the last couple of days I see that Naomi Campbell is in the news.

Naturally, I scan the first sentence to see if she’s hit someone else and then when I don’t see the word “assault” in the first paragraph, I move on. Then out of the corner of my eye today I see the words “War Crimes Tribunal” associated with her, so I went to check it out.

Now, for those of you, like me, not paying attention because you’re all like “Wha? Naomi Campbell- in the news again- what happened cause I’ve got serious things to do...” I’ll explain why while we all sleep, she is making a run for the worst person on the face of the earth.

Consider these facts.

First off, let’s not mince words- her job is literally to walk in a straight line, on a catwalk, while wearing clothes. She also gets serious coin for it and has done it for almost 20 years. You’d figure that would be it for her. She’s hot, gets paid a lot, and she’d be basically pretty happy with her lot in life.

No. This horrible human being has to habitually hit people with phones, kick them in the crotch, slap them in the face- BLOODY THEIR HEADS and THEN, I suppose thinking it is so hilarious- makes t-shirts that say “Naomi Hit Me”. As if getting a phone thrown at you, or getting slapped or kicked by this evil, evil satan-woman is a privilege or something.

Now turns out she was A) hanging out with Charles Taylor, the former leader of Liberia at some dinner.

Charles Taylor is one of those dudes that Hollywood screenwriters try to create when they need a bad guy character for that movie that’s released once every two years about how Africa is such a beautiful but fucked up place. You know the one that shows the sunset over the plains right before they show you a child soldier with a machine gun in one hand and some plant that turns out to be a drug in the other- only Charles Taylor is real. He’s really that guy. He’s being tried for war crimes because he basically funded the rebels in the Sierra Leone civil war that has cost countless lives and caused incredible misery for the better part of a dozen years. The Civil War in Sierra Leone was one of the worst things to ever happen to humankind, so...you know, she shouldn’t be hanging with that guy. I’m not being overly protective here or anything, it’s just that you know, enough is enough. I mean, its like if she was in the USA hanging with Joe Francis, only instead of Girls Gone Wild, he robbed a nation of their sons, made them rapists and had them try to destroy the bloodline of a people. (Joe Francis has only done two of those things.)

Now I know you may think- hey, she’s at some dinner – she can’t help who’s there. Yeah, how come then the worst people you hear other super models hanging out with, is like Seal or somebody. No, the guy is a despot okay? I’m not gonna give her a lot of latitude here.

Anyway, then turns out Charles Taylor, gives her a blood diamond- a FUCKING BLOOD DIAMOND- we all saw that movie right? Do I have to go over it- how this is the diamond that dudes get asked “Long Sleeve or Short Sleeve?” for and then have their arms chopped off? Okay- the diamond that basically the greedy world of diamond sellers- who buy the way limit the amount of diamonds allowed in the marketplace so that you have to pay out your ass when you get your engagement ring- that even those greedy, godless fucks have had to say “whoa” on because of the legacy of violence- Charles Taylor gives her one of these and she takes it.

Then someone tells her it’s tantamount to a crime to have a blood diamond or something and she says she’s going to give to Nelson Mandella so he can “sell it for charity”. An illegal diamond that is basically a crime to have. THEN, on top of all this, when Charles Taylor goes to the Hague to be tried for actual War Crimes, she refuses to testify until they basically threaten her with contempt. Finally she gives in and tells them about how he gave her this diamond, a diamond like many others which were sold and used to finance the friggin’ Sierra Leone civil war.

So, yeah, you think its cute and “so outrageous” that your supermodel is directly associated with assaulting people with phones and such, fine whatever, but now dealing with blood diamonds and war criminals? Screw Naomi Campbell who I want to point out, had ample opportunity to hit this dude with a phone, and did nothing.
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Friday, August 06, 2010

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Brett Favre, Caroline Giuliani, Peter Cammarano, Jeff Goldbum

…Brett Favre

I’m guessing he comes out of retirement again, but only because his 2nd career as a “junk shower” isn’t going too well!

What Sucks Bonus: Here's an alternative for this one- even pictures of this guy's scwantz get intercepted!

…Caroline Giuliani

Caught shoplifting $100 worth of stuff at a Sephora- let’s hope it was something that “de-emphasizes” her stepmom’s “crazy eyes”.

…Peter Cammarano

You may remember this guy as the mayor of Hoboken who was arrested 21 days into his term for accepting a 25K bribe. Basically the amount of money you can get your hands on, I don’t know- if you had a cash advance on one or two credit cards. Well, yesterday he was sentenced to two years in jail. That’s right, the dude will spend like 200% more time in jail, than he did as mayor. #onlyinhoboken

…Jeff Goldblum

Leaving Law & Order because…he’s dead. #twitterjoke
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Thursday, August 05, 2010

What Sucks Follow Up…Mosquitoes

It’s no secret that when it comes to sucking, it’s hard to beat the mosquito. These little motherFer’s literally suck- the blood from your body, transmit disease, and leave an itchy bump wherever they bite you.

In short, as I have discussed before, they bring nothing to the table. Now here’s an article (ripped off by me from Boing Boing I believe) that says, and I’m paraphrasing here, if every single fucking mosquito basically dropped dead tomorrow, no one on earth including animals, would give a shit. Which brings the question, hey Sarah Palin, why can’t you hunt mosquitoes?

Seriously, you lunatic who digs shooting wolves from planes, you want to bridge the gap between you and me? Pick up a gun and go mosquito hunting. I don’t care if it’s a tiny gun mosquito size or if you use a big-ass gun to kill them. Hang those fuckers on your wall- make a coat out of a zillion of them- shoot mosquitoes you nutty bi-otch!
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Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Congratulations Gays!

You fought for the right to do this! Nice work! All that time marching, sometimes in the hot sun- all that sign making- must feel like it was all worth it, huh?

Annnnnnnnnd too bad, crazy anti-gay, non-coffee drinking Mormons who sponsored Prop 8! You tried to prevent gays from being able to do this, because YOU feel that marriage is something that should only be between a man and woman (and a woman and a woman and an underage woman). By all means appeal the incredibly well written and thoughtful decision of the judge because no gay person should be able to do the above!
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Tuesday, August 03, 2010

What Sucks…SnOOKi Arrested

WhatSucksBlog has been able to obtain THESE exclusive police scanner exchanges from the brave men and women at the Seaside Heights Police Department, from the day Sn00kie was arrested for disorderly conduct. Audio coming soon, thank you Seaside Heights PD- you do the job very few of us can do!

…attention all units…be advised…be on the lookout for Chaka from Land of the Lost, drunk, on the beach…

…be advised, intoxicated person on beach, belligerent- all units to use extreme caution – suspect to be considered dangerous and extremely orange…

…attention all units, intoxicated person on beach, please be on the lookout for suspect approximately 4 feet tall…equally as wide…

…all units please be advised 10-51 in progress…initial reports have suspect…an Oompa Loompa cosplay enthusiast apparently belligerent please use extreme caution…

…the Gene Simmons character from that midget Kiss band is apparently falling down drunk on the beach- Larry, you dig KISS, right? You wanna take a ride over there?

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Monday, August 02, 2010

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Chelsea Clinton, Eclipse, Old Spice Commercial Guy, Angelina Jolie

…Chelsea Clinton

Chelsea Clinton got married over the weekend, I think she ended taking over an entire town, not sure. By all accounts however the ceremony was beautiful although one awkward moment occurred when the priest asked if anyone knew of a reason why these two should NOT married, and Bill jumped up and said (say it with me, America…) oh wait- those two? Oh, no, sorry. My bad.


Holy crap, my wife tried to watch this thing over the weekend put her on team “Get this crap out of my DVD player after 10 minutes!”

…The Old Spice Commercial Guy

We’re really letting these ads end? Someone explain to me how we have endless money for 7 Police Academy movies and everything those dudes who write Scary Movie think up, yet we can’t have more of the Old Spice guy?

…Angelina Jolie & Salt

Is this the name of her new movie, or the only thing she’s eating in her new diet?! (Very slow news day, today- sorry.)
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