Wednesday, June 30, 2010

What Sucks Presents…Taser Watch: Vol. 3!

Time for another edition of WhatSucksBlog’s venerable “Taser Watch”. Now, even though this is only the 3rd edition, cops across the country are learning pretty quick that if you want to make it to the bright lights of a What Sucks…Taser Watch, one guaranteed way is to tase the elderly.

Hell, the older the better! 86- that’s not too shabby at all- in fact, I think it’s a What Sucks Blog Taser Watch All Time Record- the fact that she was bed-ridden is only adding to the lore.

For far too long police have been on the business end of old lady purses and in some cases wooden spoons- its about time they got to fight back. So grannys out there- your reign of terror is over, sure when some of you were born you couldn’t imagine electricity being used to light your house, now you have to deal with it coursing through your veins!

Tasers 2, Grannys 0!
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Tuesday, June 29, 2010

What Sucks…Marilyn Monroe Chest X-Ray Auctioned Off For 45K: Perv Watch Vol. 30

Why would anyone want, much less pay 45K for X-rays of Marilyn Monroe’s chest- oh wait I’m getting an email right now from everyone on Earth…oh yes of course, I see- because they are a perv!

Nice work, perv. Once again, busted! Have fun spanking it to Norma Jean’s rib cage, you animal. Really, you think after what she went through (ahem, read the lyrics to Candle in the Wind!), the rest of mankind could just leave her alone. When will you stop, when Elton writes another verse? (And then I subsequently writes another verse to “Candle in the Wind, 1997”?!)
Goodbye Norma Jean
And let me apologize again
For that perv who spent 45K
On X-rays of your chest

What the hell kind of a weirdo
Jerks off to negative images
If I wanted to do that,
I’d think back to when I was with Bernie Taupin

Anyway it seems to me you lived your life like a Candle in the Wind
Never knowing – with good reason how pervy mankind was.
And I would have liked to know you but I was just a kid,
But as much as I would want to know you, I’d never buy your X-rays of your chest, even if I wasn't gay.

And 45K?! Does your pervishness not know recession? How deep are your pockets? And please don’t answer that visually!
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Monday, June 28, 2010

What Sucks…American Apparel Ads

Enough already, is this an ad for a T-shirt or a “proof of life” photo?! Russian mail-order-wife catalogs are more tastefully done (or so I’ve heard!)

Hey American Apparel- stop making clothes that were inspired by the film “Taken”!
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Thursday, June 24, 2010

What Sucks Presents…The Lady Gaga Quiz V.4!

The entire planet is reeling from two things right now- the horrible oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico caused by lax government regulations and the corporate greed of BP, and the recent release of Lady Gaga video for “Alejandro”. Only one of the two scenarios seems to have hope (BP will get around to stopping the leak in August). In the meantime, WhatSucksBlog takes a minute to separate the real Gaga fans (of which I am not) from the posers who need to get a life (I am not even posing as one) in this, the most difficult Lady Gaga Quiz yet.

Feel like you’re up to the challenge of an incredibly hard quiz? Read on. If not, go call your mi-maw, because, hey- she always appreciates it when she hears from you! Those with the guts to do it, check out this multiple choice quiz- hint it’s almost never “C”.

Question #1

Which of the following is a picture of Lady Gaga?

Remember- there is no time limit- take as long as you need for this one- and while you’re thinking of what the answer could possibly be, A or B, take a look at question number two…

Question #2

Which one is Lady Gaga? I know what you’re thinking- dude, I was not in the advanced class at MIT- only the regular one- I am also not an extremely gifted janitor who might be able to answer this question one night while I was mopping floors- and to that I say, every time I put out one of these quizzes I pray in the few minutes that it takes to make these pictures on photoshop that when I post this quiz, you will not be around to take it. Those are the best few minutes of my day!

Question #3

An unprecedented THREE option multiple choice question. I’m sorry but often some people will know a quiz like this is going to be given and spend their days on the internet trying to get the answers ahead of time. My job is to throw a curveball into the mix here and there. This is your curveball.

Answers: 1)A, 2)A, 3)B

Update: I was contacted by the FBI a few minutes ago and they told me that the answer to number 3 was in fact “A” and not B, who happen to be evangelical heavy metal band “Stryper”. We at WhatSucksBlog apologize for the mistake.
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Wednesday, June 23, 2010

What Sucks…Fatwa Encouraging The Breast Feeding Adults: Perv Watch Vol. 29

Busted, pervs! Nice try!

A recent fatwa issued by Saudi clerics stipulates that women should breast feed adult men for the purposes of creating a “mother-son relationship” thus circumnavigating the Islamic laws that forbid a man and a woman to be alone together in a room.

Now, first off let it be said each culture has their own set of rules and traditions. That being said, let me also say this- pervs! Seriously! Good lord! You’re not even trying to hide it!

How bout we start a fatwa right here calling you guys what you are- pervs! By the way, why can’t a man and a women be in the same room together alone? What are you, gonna just start making out- is it the Saudi Kingdom over there or Israeli sleep-away camp?!

By the way, want to foster a feeling of family? Why not start by giving the women in your society the right to drive a car this way they can get the F away from a grown man looking to suck on their milk gorged nipples!

Ugh! This has to be the most awkward fatwa ever! Now understandably women are objecting to this left and right we can only trust that it will all be worked out by some non-pervs, but his latest ad campaign is certainly not helping!

Nice job Saudi Clerics, welcome to the sad fraternity of pervs busted by WhatSucksBlog:

The Schick Quatro guys...
People who partake in Body Sushi...
People Magazine...
Time Magazine...
And Sharper name a few!
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Tuesday, June 22, 2010

What Sucks…Quick Hits: The Karate Kid, Lady Gaga, John McCain, Nick Johnson

…The Karate Kid

WTF? 25 years ago I was able to enjoy a movie about a Chinese dude who tricks a kid into remodeling his house under the guise of teaching him karate. Now I have to watch a remake with Will Smith’s kid? Societies are supposed to improve!

…Lady Gaga

Banned from the Yankee Clubhouse? No shit, they’re the YANKEES, not the SKANKEES! (Y’all can use that one- where’s my damn webby?!)

…John McCain

Saying that he wants to make the overthrow of the Iranian government the “Civil rights movement of our time”. Dude, who are you kidding?! The Israelites being held in bondage by the Pharaoh was the civil rights movement of your time! You’re older than dinosaur shit!

…Nick Johnson

Jeezus! Who are you? The real life inspiration for Sam Jackson’s character in “Unbreakable”? Newsstand sold New York City umbrellas are more durable than this guy! By the way Nick, if you’re reading this, you might want to spend some of the time you have on the DL getting plugs!
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Monday, June 21, 2010

What Sucks Presents…Dudes Not Getting It: Tony Hayward

Dude, New York City cops don’t struggle this much with PR during the Puerto Rican Day Parade (thank you!) Going to a yacht race as the Gulf of Mexico begins the process of making Cormac McCarthy’s The Road a reality is really more than just a display of incredible balls- it seems like mentally, you’re just not wrapping your head around this. The ocean is burning. Water is on fire. I won’t even say try and act like you give a shit, I’ll just say stop doing shit that Thurston B. Howell might do.

How a company can be allowed to operate an oil rig without knowing how to stop a leak should one occur is an epic fail on the company and the government agency responsible for monitoring it. All right, enough bitching from me, I’m gonna get a head start on you all and start moving into a basement and buying canned goods.
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What Sucks…The Reaper

Looks like the Reaper is working in the casting department over at the Surreal Life these days as Gary Coleman, Dennis Hopper, now incredibly tall, former NBA player and humanitarian Manute Bol are among his latest calls.

Bol was 7’7 and seemed to weigh about 100 pounds. More likely it was something like 220, but still he was very tall and very thin. He also was very good at blocking shots leading the NBA in that category for two years. Additionally he was often photographed next to Muggsy Bogues (5’3) and Spud Webb (5’5) to give kids in the late eighties and early nineties awesome bedroom posters.

In addition to hoisting 3 pointers and blocking shots in the NBA it also should be noted that Bol beat William “Refrigerator” Perry in a boxing match and signed on as a member of a minor league hockey team.

Bol most serious work however was done in the name of his native Sudan where he worked tirelessly to improve conditions for refugees of the long war-torn, impoverished country.

Manute Bol, RIP.
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What Sucks…Monday Morning Links Martindale

…You probably saw this LAST week, but I like to bring you things after they’ve been tested and proven to be awesome like THE PORN VERSION OF THE BREAKFAST CLUB! By the way, they ALSO don’t give the punchline to the joke Bender is telling when he falls through the ceiling, but they do show a couple of guys with salami.

…And just so you don’t think me putting up a video that went viral LAST week this week was a fluke, here’s The Wire as done by the Toy Story 3 Players and yes it’s probably racist that Bunk is Mr. Potato Head.

…Podcast pick of the week- check out my old friend Sean Conroy and Eddie Pepitone’s The Longshot Podcast episode featuring Marc Maron who also has a pretty cool podcast.

…Carvel A) gives out black cards to certain celebs that enables them to get free ice cream for the rest of their lives and B) had to revoke Lindsay Lohan’s because she “abused” it too much. How is this not the lead story of the Nightly News?

…Bonus Podcast pick of the week- “Proudly Resents”! And no I am not constantly plugging this blog so Spiegs will let me do the season finale- the show where we review Academy Award winning “Crash”!
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Friday, June 18, 2010

What Sucks…Refs!

Jeezus, refs are really fucking shit up these days aren’t they? First the dude with the Hulk Hogan mustache ruins a kid’s perfect game, now this ref dude from the World Cup, Koman Coulibaly disallows a goal and thusly kills any chance that soccer can make in America as a sport with anyone who is not dropping a kid off for two hours to run around a field so they can go back to their home and have sex with their wives once a goddamn month values how great a cardio workout it can be especially in this age of child obesity.

By the way World Cup a-holes, combining your ‘beautiful’, ‘graceful’ incredibly low scoring game with kazoos is not doing anything for its popularity with me!
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What Sucks…Tell Your Friends Movie Taping!

Friend of WhatSucksBlog and host of one of New York City’s hottest live comedy shows “Tell Your Friends”, Liam McEneaney will be shooting a movie version- that’s right a friggin’ movie version- a goddamn concert film- of “Tell Your Friends” starring among others, long time WhatSucksBlog friends Christian Finnegan, Rob Paravonian and Kurt Braunohler & Kristen Schaal.

It’s in Brooklyn at The Bell House and it’s directed by Victor Varnado (The Awkward Comedy Show) and hosted by Liam himself. Check that shit out! Here’s the website! TELLYOURFRIENDSMOVIE.COM
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Wednesday, June 16, 2010

What Sucks Douchebag Alert: Joe Barton

Hey ass-clown, nice job apologizing to BP, a company of such incredible douchebags that they couldn't be bothered to come up with a plan to stop an oil leak should one happen, and then went out and cut corners to make it easier for it to happen in the first place! And you sit there and call the 20 billion bucks they come up with to try and cover some of the losses the local fisherman and crabbers most effected by the spill a "shakedown"?

You are a major douchebag and I hope in your next life you come back as a pelican.
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Tuesday, June 15, 2010

What Sucks…Perez Hilton

Nice job being such a douchey gossip junkie that you were not able to contain yourself and posted a picture of a 17 year-old’s “vag-slip” (™James Dobson, Focus on the Family, Inc.) on your twitter feed.

So Miley Cyrus got out of a car sans undies and showed her thing- look at her, you really think that’s not gonna happen after she turns 18? Be like the rest of the world and just show patience, perv!
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Monday, June 14, 2010

What Sucks…Quick Hits: “Ain’t”, The Last Airbender, Rapper’s Delight, Michael Jordan & His Hitler Mustache

…The Fact That “Ain’t” Ain’t A Word

Can we make “ain’t” a word already? We have the power- what are we waiting for, who are the holdouts?

…The Last Airbender

I didn’t even know there was a first Last Airbender! (Sorry this section of Quick Hits was temporarily taken over by 1980’s comedian Wayne Cotter!)

...Rapper’s Delight

Lookit, I love this song and all but there is no reason it needs to be 14 minutes and thirty-five seconds long!

A Hitler mustache?! What is this- “I wanna be like Reich!” (Sorry, everyone else in the world made the “Heir Jordan” joke a week ago when this story broke!)
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Thursday, June 10, 2010

What Sucks…The Taliban

The Taliban is making a serious run at the people from the Westboro Baptist Church for “Worst People On Earth” status (BP executives closing fast however) when it was reported today that they killed a 7 year-old boy to punish his family for speaking out against the Taliban.

They claimed the boy was working as a spy for the US-backed Afghan government. Clearly they must have intercepted and decoded the following:

…baseball cards…soccer practice….Sponge Bob…

You know, like many, I’m not a big fan of long, drawn out wars that cost us the lives of our soldiers in backwards parts of the world but if we can get some photos or videos of these douchebags being found dead either in rubble or through one of those cool thermo-cameras like in a Bourne movie, I might be persuaded to change my mind.
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Wednesday, June 09, 2010

What Sucks…New York’s GOP Candidates For Governor

You may have missed it (I certainly did) but the New York State GOP convention ended last week and before we go any further, I’d be remiss if I didn’t congratulate the big winners of the convention, those nominated New York Democratic candidate, Andrew Cuomo.

When Rick Lazio is the best you can do in a year where the current Gov, a dem, is as big a fuck up as he is, and the guy he preceded as giant a fan of hookers as HE was, you should literally save everyone the time and money and have the inaugural for Cuomo right now.

Now, I realize this is not as cut and dry as it may seem. Lazio was picked from a handful of other GOP possibilities, and may very well be the best candidate, but alas, that ain’t saying much. Who’d he beat? Steve Levy, a democrat up until like 3 weeks ago, seriously. Levy can’t run in the primary via a petition because he is currently registered as a democrat. And the other possible guy, Carl Paladino, the “Tea Party” candidate, is the dude you heard about 2 months ago forwarding bestiality photos to people on email.

So to recap- for governor, in a year you could have possibly won you have Rick Lazio last seen getting his ass kicked by Hillary Clinton in 2000 for Senate, a democrat and a dude who sends you emails with pictures of women “getting it” from horses.

So, you know, nice job.
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Tuesday, June 08, 2010

What Sucks…Quick Hits: The Oil Spill, Helen Thomas, Chris Gaines, Van der Sloot

…The Oil Spill

This thing is much worse than anyone imagined- I heard earlier today Florida coastal workers were seen furiously trying to clean Bjork's 2001 Oscar dress!

…Helen Thomas

Ugh. All I know is that I picked a terrible time to launch my “Helen Thomas to Host SNL (please)” campaign over at Facebook.

…That Whole “Chris Gaines” Thing Garth Brooks Tried To Pull Off*

*BLOG NOTE: I have gotten SO many emails praising me and my idea to include something from the past, that pre-dates What Sucks as an entity in my “Quick Hits” entries that its not even funny. (Last week I said Alex Kelly, a rapist from the late 80’s sucked because he raped 2 girls then went skiing in Europe for 10 years). So because of the outpouring of support I have decided to include one here again today and even to call them “What Sucks Way-Backs” in honor of the WayBack Machine, which I enjoy. So, here you go folks I appreciate the notes and emails, and please ladies stop sending nude photos of yourself- I sometimes write in Panera and they don’t appreciate that stuff in there!

BLOG NOTE II: None of that stuff above is true except that I dig the “way-back machine”. (Back to the Chris Gaines thing.)

So let me get this straight, you’re a shitty singer with an ovation guitar, whose alter-ego is going to be another shitty singer? Like being Garth Brooks was stopping you from finding your true potential as someone who sucks? I call bullshit- you can only be one shitty singer at a time!

…Joran Van Der Sloot

Sorry, I don’t have much more than this for this dude other than to say- F this guy!
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Monday, June 07, 2010

What Sucks...The Reaper

The powers of suckage took a major victory this weekend when the great John Wooden, the Wizard of Westwood, died at the age of 99. Wooden was the greatest coach America ever produced and his reign at UCLA of 10 championships in 12 years will never be matched. But more than that, by all accounts, everyday of his life was dedicated to the fight against suck and for that, the world should raise his jersey to the rafters.

John Wooden, RIP.
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What Sucks…Monday Morning Links Martindale!

…Here’s a podcast you guys should jump on run by Adam “Spiegs” Spiegelman, yes his nickname is an abbreviated version of his last name, we’re working on it- he's the guy behind Media Yenta, it’s about some of the shittiest movies out there- I WILL DO MILK MONEY WITH YOU! And it has some of the funniest people on it. It’s called “ProudlyResents”. Hit it up on iTunes and subscribe for free. "Proudly Resents".

…What’s that you say, want a website that photoshops Bea Arthur, mountains and pizza every day? Here you go. Sent via the funny guy who did this.

…Still not satisfied and want a website devoted to people in pizza costumes becoming pizzas? Fine here, stop bothering me now.

...Here’s a funny letter written by Steve Martin, via a funny guy with this strong twitter feed.

...Trying to stay on top of douchiness on the subway? Here’s a very valuable resource.
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Friday, June 04, 2010

What Sucks...The Reaper

And then there was White.

The world lost the talented and classy Rue McClanahan today when she died at the age of 76 in NYC. McClanahan, whose career spanned 6 decades and took her from stage to film to TV, will be remember for among other things, her outstanding performance playing the character of southern belle Blanche Devereaux on the classic and seemingly cursed NBC sitcom “The Golden Girls” of which Betty White, now becomes the only surviving cast member.

In addition to The Golden Girls, McClanahan also had memorable turns making appearances on “All In The Family” and “Maude” where she played Bea Arthur’s friend.

On a personal note, it makes me sick to see the Reaper hunt down- like some kind of sick version of “Surviving the Game”, the cast members of The Golden Girls. Hey Reaper, what is this, the film “Munich” and who are you, Eric Bana? Also, for those of you who are temped to write, "Thank You For Being A Friend" as your Facebook Status today, please don't- you used that for Bea Arthur and will want to use it for Betty White this fall- resist the urge.

Rue McClanahan, RIP.
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What Sucks…Losing Your World Series Ring To a Hooker

Looks like Jim Joyce wasn’t the only one out there the other night making bad calls. Sure, he blew a perfect game for some kid on the Tigers, costing him a chance at baseball immortality, but let’s face it, there have already been 20 perfect games in baseball- 2 this year alone- I can’t think of one instance of a hooker having a World Series ring.

So, hey Patrick Daneker, pitching coach of the Staten Island (ugh) Yankees, welcome to immortality! Oh wait, you recently got married? Bonus! Now when you get your World Series ring back, instead of it being used to impress your wife, it will remind her of the night you spent being robbed by hookers! Nice work a-hole! PS, your wife is kinda cute- another loss! Oh yeah, and do you think the Yankees are going to keep employing you after you made it possible that the difference between Yogi Berra and some Tampa hooker is NINE rings, instead of 10?

Terrible job here dude!

By the way, I don't normally call out my fellow bloggers like this but Paul "Sully" Sullivan has been suspiciously quiet on this story over on his blog "SullyBaseball".
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Thursday, June 03, 2010

What Sucks…Jim Joyce

Nice work a-hole, you ruined this kid’s perfect game. Now I know we’re all supposed to be talking about how much class Armando Galarraga had, because he said basically, hey, nobody’s perfect, but it’s clear Jim Joyce is not perfect, he has a Hulk Hogan mustache for Christ Sakes. Hey Jim Joyce, what happened before the game, you let Hulkamania run all over your eyesight? Nicholas Cage makes better calls on scripts than you did last night. What a disgrace.
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Wednesday, June 02, 2010

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Michael Sheen, Facebook, Alex Kelly, The Smoking Baby

…Michael Sheen

The Deal”, “The Queen”, “The Special Relationship”? Dude, we get it, you can play Tony Blair. Give someone else a chance already!


Lack of privacy settings is a little out of control- how did they know I like my perineum massaged? Some things are not meant to be public!

…Alex Kelly

Remember that guy? The dude who raped a girl and then went skiing for a decade? Well, he sucks! (Sorry, this blog wasn’t around back then so sometimes I have to turn the clock back).

…The Smoking Baby

Yeesh! Everyone’s obsessed with the clear “parenting fail” here, let’s not forget the “convenience store clerk who’s supposed to check IDs” fail either! Nice job, humanity!
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Tuesday, June 01, 2010

What Sucks…Celine Dion Prego With Twins!

I know this pregnancy is the result of in vitro fertilization but still- gross! This dude first met Celine Dion met her first when she was 12 and he was 38! Jerry Lee Lewis thinks that’s tacky! Hey Celine- you’re a celebrity- adopt!
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