Friday, May 28, 2010

What Sucks...The Reaper

Actor, security guard, gubernatorial candidate and childhood larceny victim Gary Coleman passed earlier today at the age of 42. If there is a heaven, it’s a place where no one asks him what Willis was talking about.

RIP, Gary Coleman.
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Wednesday, May 26, 2010

What Sucks…Venus Williams

What’s up with women’s Tennis?! What, it’s not easy enough already to see an upskirt, we now have to have the players playing in lingerie? I’m not kidding- did you know the US Open is also the US Open of Upskirts- look it up! The scoring system here is GAME, 45, 30, 15, LOVE, not LUST!

And Venus Williams particularly, WTF? Something you want to tell us? Like perhaps, you’re a perv? First you send shock waves through the upskirt loving perv community by wearing skin-colored undies at the Australian open, now this. Wake up, the person dressing you for your tennis tournaments is living out his/ her sexual fantasies! Say you don't know which person in your entourage it is? It's probably the dude who tells you to ask the line judge, after she calls one of your shots out, whether or not she wants a back rub, cause she looks "so stressed"!
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Tuesday, May 25, 2010

What Sucks...Funny Video: F-able Chef's Network from Ben & Alex TV

Check out this funny web video from friends of WhatSucksBlog, Ben and Alex of and when you do, vote "funny". Come on, what else are you gonna do - watch Lost? You can't- as you know if you watched the last episode, as they are all now waiters at a Vietnam war themed restaurant- worse ending ever- SPOILER ALERT!
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Monday, May 24, 2010

What Sucks Salutes Giant Balls

…Tony Hayward, CEO of BP

Between saying that the effect of this environmental disaster will be “very modest” and comparing the spill itself as “relatively small” when put up against the size of the entire ocean- along with pronouncing the word “PROG-ress”, “PRO-gress”- one would have no choice to say that Tony Hayward, CEO of BP is doing a “heckuva job”. At this point the only confidence I have in this dude is confidence that he will once again say the wrong thing. Folks, you know shit is hitting the fan hard when people are saying Kevin Costner might have the best idea of getting us out of this. How is that possible, this has nothing to do with baseball! Here’s an idea, how bout Tony Hayward lowers his humongous balls onto the oil spill to clog it up?!

…The Octomom, Nadya Suleman

You may think it takes pretty big nards to already have 6 kids and then get prego with 8 more when you do not have a job and have had work to make yourself look like Angelina Jolie, and you’d be right- but now think of the size of your onions if on top of all that, you put a sign on your lawn advocating for the spaying and neutering of pets! What, you can have litters and they can’t? Perhaps you will soon give birth to two giant balls- wait you already have them!

…Rand Paul

This a-hole has a conversation on TV where he points out theoretically that the government may have been over-reaching when it said that private businesses should be prohibited from discriminating against those who would use their services. Then, when people naturally go ape-shit over it, as it has been settled business for 45 years, he whines that he’s a victim of “gotcha journalism” before he claims that President Obama is being too harsh verbally toward BP and that "accidents happen". Again, when people correctly call him out as a loon, he cries again that he hasn’t had a honeymoon. Hey a-hole, stop saying stupid shit and people will stop reacting to it! You want to abolish the IRS and the Department of Education- how bout you start at abolishing your gigantic, cry baby balls!
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What Sucks…The Reaper

You won’t find former major league pitcher Jose Lima’s (Astros, Dodgers, Royals and Mets), name in many of the record books. You will,however, find it in the hearts of Dodger fans (when he went 13-5, shutting out St. Louis in the playoffs in 2004) and in the hearts of Astro fans (he went 21-10 in 1999). Also, you’ll find it in the hearts of baseball fans who also dug salsa music, and anyone who wanted to see what player with bleached blonde hair looked like in a Royals uniform.

Lima time is no more. F the reaper. Jose Lima, RIP.
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Wednesday, May 19, 2010

What Sucks...Pink Rugby!

WTF?! Even if this is to raise awareness for breast cancer I'm sure the breast cancer awareness people would agree it's unnerving and would make an exception for Rugby players not to have to wear pink.

If this isn't for breast cancer awareness week, then it's just plain wrong.
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Tuesday, May 18, 2010

What Sucks…The Combover

Who is being fooled here? 8 strands of hair grown to remarkable lengths and then brushed left to right over a bald head does not a head of hair make!

The combover is like a lie told to you by someone who thinks you’re stupid enough to believe anything. He is saying- I have hair, who are you gonna believe, me or my bald lying head?

The combover is a lie that at the same time is an insult to your intelligence, yet men from all walks of life employ it. Senators, former Mayors/ 9-11 fetishists and regular Joe’s of every sort. Other than black people it knows no racial boundary.

Men- embrace baldness- or shave your head- or spring for a decent toupe- with the possible exception of the “bald ponytail”, anything is better than the comb-over! Is it worth never being able to drive a car with the window rolled down? What do you think, women are going to love running their fingers through the four long pieces of your luxurious hair? You’re bald- deal with it- some men make it through their lives looking like Sergio Mitre of the Yankees, some make it through looking like Nick Johnson. Other than not voting for anyone against stem-cell research (where there is a cure, thank you George W. Bush for extending my baldness 8 years), there’s not much you can do about it.

Someone tell this poor son of a bitch that his combover isn’t even reaching the other side of his head.

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Monday, May 17, 2010

What Sucks…Monday Afternoon Links Martindale

…some people are gifted in such a way, their visions can change the world and inspire humans to be better than they should be. These dudes work in eggs.

Derrick Comedy new video, remember fans, you’ve seen it here first 87th.

…Podcast Watch: here’s an episode of “In The Tank with Jon Fisch” featuring comedian, former Tonight Show writer, and friend of WhatSucksBlog, Josh Comers. Josh’s act is a lot of hilarious self loathing and ITS NOT AN ACT!

…Holy Taco has a wonderful photo essay of 25 sad Cleveland fans, there will be more when Lebron comes to LeKnicks!

...Here’s a video of the dude who does the GEICO commercials who spoke out against a-hole tea partiers (on his own time) and was shit-canned for it. Hey GEICO, (you all ready for this one?) that’s not very Progressive of you! (Thank you very much, again, where is my Webby!)

...Sometimes in TV someone who is really mean and nasty will work at a place forever and then will leave. Now when that happens, we have the internet and the internet has a comment section! Enjoy!

Here’s a show that NBC picked up about a dude who at one time was LA’s only honest cop, but was then set up and turned into a guy beats people up with a cape that he happens to be wearing. And apparently there’s a midget in it.

Here's the trailer...

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What Sucks…The Reaper

Ronnie James Dio, RIP.
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Friday, May 14, 2010

What Sucks Presents…Separated At Birth

Only a matter of time before these little cuties are adopted by loving families and go their separate ways…

Same here by the way…

If any of these fuckers get past the fish, birds and lizards on their way to becoming a frog, don’t expect them to hang out together, cause as soon as they grow legs and tiny arm-legs, they are “outta there”!
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Thursday, May 13, 2010

What Sucks Presents…The Night Before’s Tweets

It’s amazing how much of a factor Twitter has become in our society. Like it or not, and I don’t- people use it to break news, make announcements and if you pay close attention sometimes you can find the genesis of a story in a Tweet from the night before. It can be fascinating- like for example- not sure how many heard this, but the new tell-all book about Oprah by Kitty Kelly says that at one time, Oprah dated- of all people, noted douchebag John Tesh.

Now Oprah tried to play it all cool but clearly this was a revelation she did NOT want to get out- and you can tell from a Tweet she made the night before, that she was already in damage control mode… (click to enlarge)

Crazy supermodel Naomi Campbell made headlines when she physically assaulted another person…

…but at least after this latest incident, she may finally be examining her own actions.

And of course a few months ago Lady Gaga caused a stir when she showed up to a party in London wearing god damn ridiculous Lobster hat

…but at least it turns out that there was a reason.

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Wednesday, May 12, 2010

What Sucks...It's Coming.

I heard they've already made the trailer for the 3rd one, and it has an unprecedented "record scratch during an existing record scratch."
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Tuesday, May 11, 2010

What Sucks…Quick Hits: The NFL, Facebook’s Betty White Campaigns, The Name "Bella", Playboy

…The NFL

Between LT and Ben Roethlisberger forget bringing “terrible towels” to a game and start bringing mace!

…Facebook’s Betty White To Host Oscars Campaign

Hey Facebook- chill out, when will you stop starting campaigns to have Betty White do things? When she’s being lowered into the ground? She’s 88- she put in her time, let her enjoy the golden years!

…The Popularity of the Name Bella

Really, we’re naming our kids after Twilight characters, en masse? Come on people- give your kids a fighting chance against mediocrity!

…Playboy Going 3D

Playboy is doing a 3D centerfold- I hate to rain on everyone’s parade but this kind of technology getting into the wrong hands in the “adult magazine” industry is akin to Iran figuring out how to make a nuke. Let's not have the proof be in the form of a mushroom cloud, with a 3D centerfold in “ “Over-50” magazine in it!
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Monday, May 10, 2010

What Sucks…George Alan Rekers

George Alan Rekers is one of the founding members of the ironically named Family Research Council a largely anti-gay group that fights against gay rights including the gay couples being allowed to adopt, and guess what, he’s super-gay. Not just gay, SUPER-GAY, because the “non-super gay” don’t go to Europe with a guy they hire of a website called “Rent-A-Boy”, they just go to Europe.

I love the stories where the stridently anti-gay turn out to be way, way gay because when they’re caught, the excuses they come up with to explain their actions, NEVER disappoint.

Who could forget Larry Craig’s “I have a wide stance.” Or Bob Allen’s “I thought I was gonna be robbed so I offered to blow him” (not really a quote) defense or Eric Cantor’s “Seriously, it was so dark in there, I thought the guy I was with was a woman.” Oh, I’m sorry, that’s from Republican A-holes who haven’t been caught yet, my bad.

Anyway, Rekers here pulls his weight with the whole “I had surgery and needed someone to carry my luggage.” (specifically my sack!) and then adding “I was trying to cure him” later. Gay physician, heal thyself!

It’s getting so being hard-core conservative/ anti-gay rights is the new “assless chaps/ earring in the right ear/ marry Star Jones”- as in, you know dead giveaways you are gay.
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What Sucks…The Reaper

Actress, singer, civil rights leader and one of the all time hot chicks, Lena Horne passed away last night at the age of 92.

Personally, I have been trying to cut back on Reaper postings- no offense to John Forthsythe, Ernie Harwell and Robin Roberts, but after last year, this blog became more of a daily tracker as to what the Reaper was doing and everyone was getting bored with it- plus I was becoming like that reporter who is constantly following around the Hulk and pissing off Bruce Banner.

That said, Lena Horne is one of the more remarkable American stories and that a-hole Reaper taking her, even at age 92, leaves a large void. You’ll find more eloquent obits around the web, so check those out, but in the meantime, try and remember this- Lena Horne was super-hot back in the day where America was so racist, it didn’t even matter how hot you were, you still had to deal with getting the short end of the stick because stupid, backwards thinking hicks and rich, racist movie studio heads. For a long time Lena Horne would be inserted into a film- usually a musical, and that scene would have nothing to do with the plot of the movie. The reason for this was so that it could be edited out when the film was shown to movie-goers in the south.

Think about that for a second- think about how into appearances we are as a society- then think at a time we were even more into racism. Amazing.

Among her tons of accomplishments was inspiring Lenny Bruce to use her to deconstruct racism in this bit…

"You are a white. The Imperial Wizard. Now, if you don't think this is logic you can burn me on the fiery cross. This is the logic: You have the choice of spending fifteen years married to a woman, a black woman or a white woman. Fifteen years kissing and hugging and sleeping real close on hot nights. With a black, black woman or a white, white woman. The white woman is Kate Smith. And the black woman is Lena Horne. So you're not concerned with black or white anymore, are you? You are concerned with how cute or how pretty. Then let's really get basic and persecute ugly people!"
— Lenny Bruce

On top of all that, she sang with the Muppets.

Lena Horne, RIP.
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Friday, May 07, 2010

What Sucks Presents…This Ain’t A Urinal, Is It?


It’s a mystery to me why I haven’t won a Webbie or a Nettie or whatever it is you get for excellence in having a blog, but with this latest entry, I think I have nailed it. Of course, it probably doesn’t help my cause that I’m taking it from, but still this is priceless- AND NOT PRICELESS LIKE THOSE CREDIT CARD COMMERCIALS- WHICH ARE NOT “PRICELESS” THEY’RE CHARGING YOU OUTRAGEOUS INTEREST RATES- WAKE UP!

Anyway, enjoy.
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Thursday, May 06, 2010

What Sucks…Taser Watch! Vol.2

Welcome to another edition of’s Taser Watch, where we put a spotlight on who’s getting tased, so you don’t have to. That’s right, today we are eliminating the need for you to google the phrase “Taser” and “10 year old girl”. Look kid, you don’t want to do your homework, how do you feel about getting 10K volts shot through you? I’m kidding, lack of homework was not the reason this girl got tased, it was because she wouldn’t take a shower. Don’t worry, the mom gave her blessing.

Normally, this is where I’d run down the top three tases in April/ May but come on, we all know what #1 is. I’d even say it is a watershed tase, possibly being the most important tase ever. This has the “old lady getting tased” story beat. As well as the lame-ass “don’t tase me bro” tase. This tase, brilliantly executed by advocates of tasing dares you to not dig tasing- even if the person being tased is a Phillie fan.

Look, I don’t appreciate being manipulated like this. Tasing is evil- right? But then you see that kid- in a Phillie t-shirt, probably drunk, running like an ass on the field- and you’re like- damn. I’m gonna come out AGAINST something that makes him drop like a ton of bricks while a bunch of other mutants cheer? Who is the new guy running the pro-tasing movement, Karl Rove, ‘cause this is absolutely genius.

Yeah this month a 58 year old homeless woman was tased, and sure a cop tased some poor bastard at a Waffle House – as a joke! But no one is talking about that now, are they? They’re all talking about a Phillie fan- someone who’s parents may have booed Michael Jack Schmidt, on the ground flopping around like a fish.

Most. Important. Tase. Ever.
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Wednesday, May 05, 2010

What Sucks…Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Go on everyone and have your margaritas- sing your songs and party it up because today, we are all Mexican, so if you’re out there- Happy Cinco de Mayo and if your out there in Arizona being "today we are all Mexican", please make sure you have your papers with you.
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Tuesday, May 04, 2010

What Sucks…The United/ Continental Merger

This is awesome! ED NOTE/ DISCLAIMER: I’m a huge fan of shitty service.

Seriously, why not throw in Delta, then the busing industry will get a huge lift because taking an airplane will literally suck so much people will be like “please, allow me the pleasure and comfort of riding cross country in a bus!”
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Monday, May 03, 2010

What Sucks…The Reaper

Lynn Redgrave, sister of Vanessa, passed away today of cancer. Redgrave was a star of stage and screen for the better part of 4 decades and she will be remembered as such throughout the world today. Here, I will chose to remember her as the star, opposite Wayne Rogers, in the early 80’s TV show “House Calls”.

Anyone who can hold their own with Wayne Rogers in his prime, deserves a tip of the hat. RIP, Lynn Redgrave.
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What Sucks…My Dog Ate What?

Are you shitting me? This is a TV show? Someone walked into a pitch meeting and was like “Yeah, I’d like to do a show about things a dog would eat.” And the person across the table said “Sure. Sounds like a great idea.”

What’s season one’s arc?

Episode 101: Poop.
Episode 102: Poop
Episode 103: Poop.
Episode 104: Poop
Episode 105: Poop…will dog eat own puke? (Cliffhanger)
Episode 106: Poop/ Own Puke.
Episode 107: Poop/ Own Puke.
Episode 108: Poop/ Own Puke.
Episode 109: Poop/ Own Puke.
Episode 110: Season Finale, Powerful 2 hour special: Own Young?

My Dog Ate What? Is on National Geographic Wild tomorrow at 10!
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What Sucks…Monday Morning Links Martindale

...Here’s the President being funnier than Jay Leno.

...Patton Oswalt, who by the way was freaking SCARY good in the film Big Fan (I was born in Staten Island and am a Giant fan and…holy shit!) deals with a bullshit apology from a dude named Nick Madsen. Ed’s NOTE: I feel like a TOTAL dick because for years I’ve been doing NICK MADSEN’S act verbatim at clubs across Iowa. Via Videogum.

...Here’s some extra footage of Conan from 60 Minutes last night, via Gotchamedia.

...Mop, Baby Mop! Here are some cute animals, like our own WhatSucksBlog oil covered duck (see above) covered in oil, because HolyTaco is good for stuff like this.

...and a link dump by a true pro, Susie at Dumb as Blog!

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