Tuesday, April 13, 2010

What Sucks…The KFC Double Down


Look, I am not someone who is known for eating right. I dig food and not just because I equate it with love- much of it is delicious. Especially the stuff that is really bad for you. That said- I’ve eaten A LOT of bad things and continue to eat those bad things- but never, NEVER have I ever said IN MY LIFE- “you know what? Screw bread out of the chicken/ cheese/ and bacon sandwich equation and replace it with fried chicken. Yeah, fried chicken, as bread- that’s the right direction to head in.”

Listen to me- this is me- your friend. I am not that Jamie Oliver guy who is trying to get you to change your life so you can be more European or whatever he is- that incredibly smug bastard who wants to kill you and your children’s freedom. It’s me- food lover. I’ve had this exchange with the girl who works at my favorite Hoboken Pizza shop a number of times after walking in alone-

Me: Hey. Can I get a small pepperoni pie?

Her: (Seeing that I am alone) Oh, you mean personal pizza, right?

Me: No, a small pie please.

Her:
Oh.

Do I need to tell you the underlying dialogue in that exchange between me and Christina the waitress? Fine...

Me: Hey. Can I get a small pepperoni pie?

Her: Oh, you mean personal pizza, right? Because the PERSONAL pizza is the one people get when they walk in here by themselves. I serve them almost constantly between the hours of noon and 2:30 to people for lunch. It’s the equivalent of two slices. It’s normal lunch.”

Me: Yeah. I’m gonna order the small pie and eat the whole thing by myself cause I love pizza and the feeling of being full reminds me of when I was a kid and my mother would feed me to assuage nervousness of being out in the real world. What you don’t know, Christina, is that I’m restraining myself to not order the large. Understand that if I was having this thing delivered to my house, it would be a large, and yes- I would pretend that I wasn’t the only one home so the delivery guy thought I wasn’t a slob.

I’m digressing. Folks, the point I’m trying to make is, I’m on the inside of this and you must believe me when I tell you removing bread is the act of a desperate man. There’s no joy in the heart of someone who removes bread for two fried chicken cutlets- alas, only plaque. Why KFC would do this- there is only one reason.

They want to kill you.

I know it sounds harsh- and I don’t know why- but I have put a lot of thought into this and it makes the most sense. Putting a gun between two pieces of bread would be a safer sandwich. What ideas did KFC reject? The “Hair Dryer-Deluxe” because it was too difficult to get people to bite into it while standing in a puddle? They want you dead. The Colonel is from the military, right? He must have some education of mass-killings- I know he’s long gone but maybe a distant crazy nephew stumbled on some secret recipe for ethnic cleansing or something- we’re through the looking glass here. If you find yourself ordering this sandwich- or dying to have one- stop- look yourself in the mirror and try and figure out what went wrong.

KFC – who by the way is clearly in a struggle for it’s very identity, because didn’t they just try and get you to eat “grilled” chicken pieces recently? KFC is claiming that they are not using bread here because there’s so much chicken, “there’s no room for a bun”. It’s a desperate lie, by some desperate person in marketing. First off- I have seen bread as long as 6 feet- on numerous occasions- it’s called a 6 foot hero- it exists. Bread here is not the problem.

My advice, stay away from this lie of a sandwich until I can figure out why KFC wants to kill you.
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6 comments:

Anonymous said...

F you KFC!

Shirley Xavier said...

I saw the commercial today and read about it last week. And I love the people in the commercial are totally fit individuals. It's harsh.

Russ said...

Did you have to go and eat it to know it was terrible? With their image on the down, they are desperate to generate money; however, I think the DD alienated them further. Maybe they should share pictures of their chicken farms. I like my chicken, but that is not the right way to raise food.

Anonymous said...

why is every fast food company trying to kill us i mean really the amount fa in this thing alone will give you a heart attack calories = 540 30 grams of fat and 1740 milligrams of sodium

Anonymous said...

why is every fast food company trying to kill us i mean really the amount fat in this thing alone will give you a heart attack calories = 540 30 grams of fat and 1740 milligrams of sodium

Anonymous said...

why is every fast food company trying to kill us i mean really the amount fat in this thing alone will give you a heart attack calories = 540 30 grams of fat and 1740 milligrams of sodium