Monday, March 01, 2010

What Sucks…Live Blogging Things That Should Not Be Live Blogged: Jay Leno’s Return to The Tonight Show!


Mediocrity, today is a big day for you, it's the return on Jay Leno to the Tonight Show! And WhatSucksBlog is staying up late to live blog it, "things that should not be live blogged"style.

This is exciting! Strap yourself in, for the return of the Tonight Show With Jay Leno!!! And remember, this is why we can't have nice things!

11:35- Jay doing a very timely Wizard Of Oz opening with offensively gay Ross and Kevin. Oh, and capitalizing on the Betty White craze! What a cold open, because folks, I am left cold!

11:36- Worst moment on ever TV, when white people move up to meet Leno on his monologue spot and touch him- and I saw the 2nd tower fall!

11:37- A lengthy standing O, leads Leno to say, I'm your host "at least for a while", no a-hole, you most certainly have this job.

11:38- Leno takes a swipe at NBC, I guess he has an issue with them, they did let Conan go for 7 months instead of 6.

11:40- We're in mid mono, and basically I'm numb.

11:41- Dick Cheney joke and it looks like someone is rusty...(looking at you Kevin with your robotic laugh).

11:42- Leno, not giving Toyota a break. Get it, a break- or should I say "brake"! That one was me, not Leno by the way and I wish I was in a Corolla careening out of control right now.

11:43- Here come the Tiger Woods jokes...booty-ism joke closes out the first act with a resounding "zzz".

Wow act one featured an absolutely "take no prisoners" return to mediocrity. Leno came out of his corner with a message- that message? I blow. I mean he didn't even try anything different. And what is the deal with that Ross the intern guy? Is he for real? I mean Richard Simmons is like, "Dude, you're playing a stereotype."

11:48- And we're back. I however am in the bathroom. And you are now, too.

11:51- Okay, out of the pooper, and now Jay is looking for a desk, bothering the people of...Burbank?

11:52- Leno in full denim shirt and jean, a denim jacket away from a 3-piece denim suit.

11:53- Adam Corolla, the Ying to Jimmy Kimmel's Yang.

11:54- Wait this whole thing was to try and find a desk for the set? (Sorry I was in the pooper.) Wow, how could one man suck at a job, then step away from it for 7 months or so, and then come back to it and not miss a suck beat like that. Amazing.

Commercial break.

11:58- And we're back. There really is no joy to this show. Did I get the night wrong? This is his first show back, right? Now I'm seeing a retrospective of Jamie Foxx's career? Is he dead or something? Just run the latest movie clip, you asses!

12:00- Jamie Foxx RIP.

12:01- Good lord, this is disturbing.

12:04- Wow the excitement in the Tonight Show Studio is approaching "Joe-Mentum" status.

12:06- Jeez. Robin Williams improv-ing his way through the pool table scene in the stage version of The Accused, (out of breath wait a second for me...) is less forced than this Jamie Foxx interview.

12:07- Commercial break.

12:10- Holy crap Jamie Foxx is "improv-ing" with the Tonight Show band, and that singer chick they have, Jamie Foxx is REALLY excited that Jay is back, did Conan like key his car or something?

12:11- Jeezus. Now, we're being forced to look at Kirstie Alley- my eyes are bleeding and I am "resoundingly soft" (medical term).

12:13- Jamie Foxx = Chubby Chaser

12:14- 20 minutes left of this. I may not make it folks. You may be getting a live blog of the 3rd act of The Wendy Williams show, starring that tranny Wendy Williams.

12:16- Commercial break.

Well America, I hope you are all happy.

12:20- We're back. Jamie Foxx, still out there. Here comes Lindsey Vonn.

12:21- Nice dress you're almost wearing there, what did we get the gold metal in being damned whores?

12:22- Jeezus! Look at that melon! Her head is bigger than Leno's!

12:23- She's a giant! A MAN HANDS ALERT HAS JUST BEEN ISSUED!

12:24- WTF is wrong with Jay asking about this chick's bedroom life. INAPPROPRIATE!

12:25- I don't want to say this chick has giant hands, but if we were to do "Hands Across America" again and she was on board, we'd all have to get to Denver, and she'd handle the rest.

12:27- There's a joke here with Jay on the cover of Sports Illustrated and really, the less said about it the better.

12:28- Wow. Next up is the musical guest Brad Paisley, friends, I may bail. Country music after 55 minutes of this bullshit, is asking a lot.

It's over. Brad Paisely by the way was far and away the best thing on the show.

So what did we learn? Well, for one thing, America sucks. I mean I guess I could spin this in a way that America is great- a man who wears a denim shirt while wearing jeans can make it so big he could buy hundreds of cars without spending any of the money he makes on his actual job, but I'd only be lying to you all.

Go to sleep, or stay up and kill yourself. Good night!

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4 comments:

Kip said...

Well done. Think you should have gone with your gut and switched over to a live Wendy Williams twit.

Anonymous said...

Leno rocks! Don't be a hater!

Invisible Woman said...

^whatever dude...

i tried to stay awake for leno, but now see i didn't have to...i thought kevin was leaving?

jay and his "i'm just an everyday guy" denim combo needs to go away forever. stat.

oh and he also really,really needs to stop saying "i just live on my stand-up earnings". does he really think ANYONE respects that? that does create haters, anonymous.

rant over

Ben said...

Epic live blog. Go out and find yourself a new desk, sir...you've earned it.