Tuesday, February 23, 2010

What Sucks...A Funny Web Video: Ben & Alex at BenAndAlex.TV

Vote "funny" for friends of WhatSucksBlog.com's Ben & Alex's new video on Funny or Die- Talking about the movies!

They're talented dudes who made a funny video and you need to procrastinate at work- it's a match made in heaven!

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Monday, February 22, 2010

What Sucks…The Insider Panel: Update!

Add “seeing into the future” along with “calling out things that suck” to the list of things I rule at folks, as just last week I told you all about something called “The Insider Panel” and how it blew. Then, recently, holy crap, the Insider Panel explodes onto the scene with 2 women- and one very effeminate young man, trying to bait Gary Coleman into kicking their asses!

Who are these nobodies and who are they to talk to Gary Coleman that way? Attorney Lisa Bloom? Pretty soon it looks like she’ll be representing “soon to be missing teeth” in a huge case against “Gary Coleman’s fist". Damn.

Little known fact – Gary is standing this entire time.
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What Sucks…The Nets

Man, do the Nets suck. As of this writing they are 5 and 51. Five wins the entire season against 51 losses! Normally, as a basketball team gets going in the 2nd half of their season, they should have more wins that the city’s football teams- especially if the Jets are one of that city’s teams! The Nets can literally count the amount of wins they have on one hand and it’s February 22nd! They are 31 games out of first place and their winning percentage is .089!

Last night they had their best player, Brook Lopez, score 17 points in the first quarter alone (that’s being on pace to score 68!) and they had a 16-point lead coming out of that first quarter. So what happened? They lost the game by 10 points! That means in the 2nd, 3rd and 4th quarters they were outscored 84 (for Memphis) to 58! On top of that, after their best player was kicking ass in the first quarter (remember I told you 17 points and finishing the 1st half with 22), he only took 3 shots in the 2nd half of the game! 3 shots! It’s like the Nets knew that giving him the ball could possibly lead to something good, and at the last minute, came to their senses!
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Friday, February 19, 2010

What Sucks...This Hitler Downfall Mashup!

Ugh. I’ve seen a bunch of these things on the net as I am sure all of us have- but this one has got to be the worst!!!

Hello?! Hitler going ballistic over the crumbling of his sick plans to dominate Europe and the impending victory of the Allied forces? (TO BE READ SARCASTICALLY) Oh my god, the laughter- please stop it, my SIDES are hurting. If you ask me, Hitler should be freaking out about the comically tone-deaf hack who put this one together!

Call me when Hitler freaks out about Sandy Bullock winning an Oscar, or the Celtics getting eliminated in the first round- or when baseball season starts and the Mets lose ½ their team to the DL again! I can’t sympathize with Hitler about military defeats!

Are we running out of reasons Hitler is freaking out? Here’s an assignment, Internet:

- Hitler freaking out that Julia Roberts, a hooker in Pretty Woman, has the balls to try and act victimized when the saleswomen in the Rodeo Drive boutique refuse to serve her when they know and she clearly is, a hooker.

- Hitler freaking out about how easily umbrellas break.

- Hitler freaking out about how the entire construct of Garfield is deeply flawed due to the fact that, Jon, Garfield’s owner reacts to Garfield even though it is not physically possible for him to know what Garfield is thinking.

And before you leave a comment- I know this is the original scene from the original movie “Downfall” and not a mashup, I just have a really bad case of writers block and am grabbing at shit today!

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Wednesday, February 17, 2010

What Sucks…Scientists

Hey Scientists, nice job zeroing in on the actual cause of death for King Tut, now we can all get on with our lives. Here’s an idea for you- maybe, oh I don’t know- how do you say this…oh yeah- work on something else! (FYI: the lead up to the part where I say “work on something else!” was even longer in the first draft of this posting!)

Holy shit. Are there like a zillion scientists out there and only 4 of them working on important shit? Can we please call in the team working to see if they can find fossils of whale farts and have them work on something that can actually make a difference for someone? Seriously, can the group of scientists right now that are trying to measure the density of mouse turds as compared to rat turds born with red hair be brought back to the lab and given another assignment?

Why are you looking for the real reason King Tut was dead in the first place? What is it, some kind of weird-ass archeological CSI?

SCIENTIST GUY: Looks like King Tut died of malaria.

CARUSO: Really? That must have a quite difficult to deal with for his… (TAKES OFF GLASSES) …mummy.

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Tuesday, February 16, 2010

What Sucks…The Reaper

Good night, Doug Fieger, lead singer from the Knack. No one will ever do more for the Knack, or girls named Sharona.

By the way, not to kick dirt on a man when he’s dead but, why not just name the song “Sharona” without the “My”, it’s not like you had to differentiate from other “Sharona’s”! In interviews you’ve said that you had “never met a girl like her-” yeah, well, I’m sure her just being named “Sharona” put her in a class all by herself.

Ah, but look at me, shitting on this man’s contribution to our culture, who am I to over-think it? I guess I’m just taking out on Doug Fieger, what I really want to say to the Reaper. It’s called transference, folks and no one is immune. If I ever contribute anything ½ as cool as “My Sharona” to this world before I croak, I’d be lucky.

Also, it should be mentioned that besides topping the charts with “My Sharona” in the early 80’s, Doug Fieger also ended up inspiring a young Alfred Yankovic who then created one of his lesser appreciated but no less brilliant songs, entitled “My Bologna”. So, put another one firmly in the win column for the lead singer from The Knack.

Doug Fieger of “The Knack”, RIP.
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Sunday, February 14, 2010

What Sucks Classic: Hallmark!

Great holiday, seriously, thanks.

St. Valentine, the Catholic saint for which this "holiday" is named, actually refers to one of perhaps four men who were matyred in the 3rd Century...Much like the way the millions of men will feel tonight as they drop serious coin on flowers, dinner and dates (Valentine's Day the movie opens tonight!).

Really this lame-ass holiday was also designed to replace a pagan fertility holiday called "Lupercalia" in which people went nuts, drank a lot and had sex with anything that moved. So, when you're buying your 70 dollar roses for your wife, or sitting through some bullshit with Ashton Kutcher, just remember you can be having sex with your girlfriend AND her BFF tonight if it weren't for "St. Valentine's Day".

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Friday, February 12, 2010

What Sucks…The Internet

Why? Why come up with the idea? Why execute it so well? (I’m talking about what’s on the left hand side of the screen.)

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Thursday, February 11, 2010

What Sucks...Funny Web Video & Song: Rob Paravonian!

Once again my buddy Rob Paravonian of The Pachabel Rant fame, lets loose with a very funny and cool video/ song where he basically rips the "Wiggles" a new one.

Take that, Wiggles! Screw you! Check out the video-

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Wednesday, February 10, 2010

What Sucks…The Insider Panel

Wait a second- did something happen in the world of entertainment? What’s 3 nobodies and the chick from Reno 911’s take on it? Really, cause I have to know!

So, I don’t really know what this “Insider Panel” thing is. I just know that when I turn my TV on, automatically it is set to channel 2, and I guess between 7 and 7:30, “The Insider” is the show that’s on. Normally, I change the station right away, but you know sometimes you’re not paying attention and all and you catch a minute or two of a very deep voice over, talking in grave tones about some problem that Lindsay Lohan is having before some panel- sometimes with Donny Osmond on it, starts dissecting it and asking “tough questions”.

Is there a measurement for the little amount of shit I could give about these people’s opinions on this? I don’t think so- can I just say I couldn’t give a ½ neutrino of shit on what “The Insider Panel” thinks?
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Tuesday, February 09, 2010

What Sucks…Sarah Palin

It gives me no pleasure to write about this colossal ignoramus. All right, it gives me a little bit of pleasure, but can’t she be on a reality show or something so the scary possibility of her being elected to public office in this country no longer exists?

It would be such a fun reality show, as opposed to the stark vision of the future any election of her would bring. I mean just this week, on “Palin’ ‘Round With Sarah” she’d make a big deal about Rahm Emmanuel calling someone a “retard” before going out and acting like a total retard herself. We’d be talking about this thing around the water cooler 24/7.

GUY AROUND WATER COOLER: “Hey, did you see where she made fun of Obama for always having to use a teleprompter…”

OTHER GUY AROUND WATER COOLER: “Yeah, and then two minutes later we see that she’s reading notes off her hand?! That was so awesome. Ha! What a douche.”

Palin this week mocked Obama for being charismatic and a good speaker (not flaws by the way) who needed a teleprompter all the time before having it be revealed that she was reading notes off of her hand. So if teleprompters were made of hands, she’d be okay with it?

The worse part of the whole thing is the stuff that was on her hand. As you can see from the picture she’s written “Energy”, “Budget Tax Cuts” and “Lift American Spirit”, as if she didn’t write those down she would have gone into lengthy explanations on how to solve the crisis in the Middle East and what to do about 3rd world debt. WTF else was she going to talk about? It’s like if your exterminator shows up at your apartment and has “kill roaches” and “try and kill mice” on his hand!

She’s the worst and I can’t remember how to end this post- oh yeah…

Sarah Palin sucks.
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Monday, February 08, 2010

What Sucks…Obama

Dude, I am into you, trust me, but I do not need to see any pictures of you shaking hands with Khloe Kardashian. Not now, really, not ever.

I don’t care that she was brought to the White House by her husband Lamar Odom when the Lakers came by to take their NBA championship photo. I don’t care that you may have just been walking by her and she tapped you on the shoulder. I don’t care that in the shot, it looks as if you weren’t even paying attention to who was behind you, and turned and out of politeness shook her hand. I don’t need you to be in a picture with her at all.

And trust me, I’m a fan of yours but when you and the democrats can’t get out of the way of your own dicks and pass something while you have 59 votes in the Senate- (59! which by the way is more than Bush ever had) and Democrats literally represent 63 percent of the country and still can’t get anything done, well then I certainly do not need to see you shaking hands with some damned whore.

Want to know what picture I WOULD like to see? Someone, you preferably, kicking someone’s ass and not talking about bi-partisanship. Jeezus, grow a pair or hire someone with a pair to kick someone’s ass out there. Did Rahm Emmanuel really apologize for calling some democrats “retards” behind closed doors at the behest of Sarah Palin? Good god, this is a woman who’s been outwardly lying about your health care initiative and you cave to her like that without asking her to apologize for spreading the death panel lie?

Stop being such a pussy and slap someone around.
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What Sucks…Blog Note

Sorry everyone, but I’m going to have to do that thing where in order to leave a comment, you need to do a word verification thang. I don’t want to do that as it is a little bit of a pain in the ass, but I have been getting increasingly robo-spammed over the past couple of weeks and it drives me a little nuts.

Please continue to leave comments, as unracist as you can, as reading them is an excellent way for me to procrastinate on all the other stuff I have to do to make my life complete.

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Friday, February 05, 2010

What Sucks…This

I know what you’re saying- “Man the years of drug abuse and living hard have really taken a toll on Iggy Pop.” But you would be wrong. This is not Iggy Pop. This is Looney Tunes’ cartoon legend Daffy Duck. Daffy, who has been through an enormous amount of physical trauma in his film career, is apparently finally showing some of the wear and tear he’s had to endure over the years. We can only wish him well.

UPDATE: I am now being told this is not Daffy Duck. My apologies to the “duck” family. This is actor Mickey Rourke in a picture taken directly after he “looked into the Ark” at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

2nd UPDATE: I am now being told that Mickey Rourke was not in that film and that the movie was a work of fiction, there was no ark and no one’s face got melted off accept for Karen Allen.

The truth is, I have no idea who this is but will try and get an answer for you as the day goes on. One thing I know is that it can no way be a fashion icon whose job it is to set the tone of what people should look like.
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Thursday, February 04, 2010

What Sucks Presents…Inappropriately Named Ferries!

It’s my pleasure to introduce a new feature on WhatSucksBlog.com- one, if I were to be completely honest, I would never have thought there to be a need for, but one that’s here nevertheless- What Sucks Blog Presents Inappropriately Named Ferries.

It is here where I will, when needed, shine a spotlight of shame on various ferries I feel are named in a completely inappropriate manner. Hopefully, with sunlight being the best disinfectant, the days of any of us having to deal with these ferries will be short-lived, however until that time, I will be here, bringing to the attention of the world, inappropriately named ferries.

Our first entry into this ferry naming hall of shame, the SS (how appropriate) Eichmann. Adolf Eichmann’s life and times are a stain on human history. One of the most despicable men in the 20th century, much less of all time, Eichmann needs to be remembered for the many crimes he committed against the world and NOT have a ferry named after him. Shame on those who named this ferry after him.

NOTE: If you, as a reader should come across a Inappropriately Named Ferry, please do not hesititate to bring it to my attention via the comment section or an email to WhatSucksBlog@gmail.com with the phrase “inappropriately named ferry” in the subject line.

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Wednesday, February 03, 2010

What Sucks…Quick Hits: BoingBoing.Net, The Supreme Court, Gilbert Arenas, Dunkin Donuts (More of the “things I missed” edition)


HARDEST website to get anything linked to UNLESS you’re doing something with a ukulele!

…The Supreme Court

Allowing for corporations to spend money without limits in political contests and equating money with free speech? Nice job SCOTUS, to me you’re a bunch of scroTUMS!

…Gilbert Arenas

You brandished a gun in an NBA locker room? Good to see this guy’s love of shooting extends to things that are not basketballs- way to expand your horizons! The Wizards suck with him, without him they’ll stick suck but at least the chance that you’ll be shot at a game will decrease.

…Dunkin Donuts Tag-Line Guys

Your slogan is “America Runs On Dunkin”? That's nothing to be proud of- look how shitty America runs! What does Sweden run on? Free health care, every chick is a 6 foot tall blond- can I get what runs them?
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Tuesday, February 02, 2010

What Sucks Presents…The Lady Gaga Quiz 2.0

All right all you eagle eyes out there, here we are with another Lady Gaga Quiz. Now first off, I just want to say, if this is too difficult, you shouldn’t feel bad at all. You have nothing to be ashamed of if you get all the answers wrong- this quiz is harder than any calculus mid term- any trig final- I only ask you if you take it, and fail, not to get down on yourself.

Question #1:

Which is Lady Gaga, choice A? Or choice B?

Ugh. What, did she get dressed in the dark- in Raymond Hood's apartment?

Question #2:

Which is Lady Gaga, A or B?

And finally, question #3:

Of the two images shown below, which one is Lady Gaga?

Why does she dress like this? To de-emphasize her penis?

Answers: 1) A, 2) A, 3) B

UPDATE/ CORRECTION: The answer to #3 is "A", not "B" as I previously listed. "B" is an aluminum Christmas tree with a blond wig on it, and it fooled even me, the designer of this quiz. My apologies to anyone who as a result of my error, killed themselves, or cut off their own nuts.

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Monday, February 01, 2010

What Sucks…Life As A Comic!

Friend of WhatSucksBlog Rob Paravonian has an ongoing web series you may find funny and interesting- it’s called “Life As A Comic”. Check it out here, and check out Rob’s CD Songs From The Second Floor!

Now back to the suck…

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What Sucks...John Edwards, Vice Presidents And Prospective Vice Presidents!

Used to be I thought the hardest job in America to fill was the position of NFL “long snapper”. There were clearly more jobs than qualified people to fill them, and at one point, I’m pretty sure a guy long snapped for two teams at the same time. I could be wrong about that but the point is…

Not anymore! Clearly, the hardest job to fill, is that of “Vice President Who Is Seemingly Not a Douchebag”. This of course assumes that when looking for a Vice President, you are NOT, on purpose, looking to hire a douche.

This John Edwards thing just puts it over the top. Edwards’ recent admission to being the dad of a baby whose paternity he’s repeatedly denied- and tried to attribute to a buddy of his no less- is such an egregiously scumbaggish thing to do it would make Spiro Agnew proud. Throw in the fact that there may be a sex-tape involved, and well, we’re talking scumbaggery in the league of its own.

Think about how comfortable are we all with Joe Biden? Personally, I’m okay with it, but I’m not doing back flips at the idea of this dude being a heartbeat away from the Presidency, as a matter of fact, I think he was chosen to dissuade would-be assassins, but that’s another story. (A recent FBI intercepted phone call from a noted militia group- SHADOWY UNDERWORLD TYPE: Okay…we’ll get him (Biden) too…oh wait, Pelosi’s next? What am I, running a ninja-assassin school? Forget it!”)

But compared to the people who used to or could have had his job, we’re all on easy street, at least when this a-hole accidentally hits the button, it won’t be because he’s trying to distract everyone from his secret family!

Take a look at the parade of douchebags that were run by us just in the last ten years! In 2000 Dick Cheney was the VP, and we know what an animal he is. If he wasn’t the VP it would have been Joe Lieberman, who, incredible as it sounds, could have been worse! In 2004, John Kerry chose John Edwards. See above and also see the fact that this guy cheated on his wife while she was battling the cancer! Then of course, in 2008, we get Sarah Palin.

What does the future hold? Who can possibly keep this trend of bigger and bigger losers being nominated as VP’s going? After Liberman, Edwards, and Palin- is Ben Linus from Lost next? Which reminds me of two things- I don’t have a way of ending this blog entry- and Lost is on once again tomorrow!
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What Sucks...The Reaper

Zelda Rubinstein, the “…this house is clean…” lady from Poltergeist, is the latest cast member from that cursed film to pass away. Clearly, if you were short, and worked on Poltergeist, you were going to die, it was just a matter of time.

As a blogger reporting her death am I required to say that we here at What Sucks wish Ms. Rubinstein luck as she “goes into the light”, although apparently, she should not expect “peace and serenity” there.

By the way, although this probably is NOT the time to bring this up, the house was NOT clean and we shouldn’t forget that in a crucial moment in the film (when Steven was pulling his wife through a closet), Ms. Rubinstein’s character became possessed and told the little girl that there was “peace and serenity in the light” and directed her to go into it, an obvious flip-flop from her previous, “anti-go-into-the-light” stance.

Zelda Rubinstein, RIP.
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