Well, there you have it, that’s 2009 for you. Pretty shitty, huh? I mean other than a few gigantic advances in the way hilariously dark, ahead of their time, late night, low budget sitcoms are done, and a Yankee World Series victory, it was pretty much a shitstorm stuck inside a clusterfuck. And believe me, narrowing down a list of the top 10 a-holes of this past year is like Tiger Woods when he’s meeting the new hostess of Waffle House, that is to say, extremely hard. (Author bows, roses are thrown at his feet.)
How can it be that other than Mariano Rivera, Jay-Z and Capt. Sully Sullenberger, no one in America had their shit together this year?
It was a banner year for dicks and dickheads. A-holishness flourished at almost unprecedented levels and stupidity reasserted itself as a force of nature. We had people leaving their homes in large numbers to go fight for the rights of insurance companies to screw them and their neighbors out of health care. Our disgusting, corrupt politicians cynically stalled on a health care bill so that any possible benefit that could come of it was marred and perverted to the point of being yet another kick-back to the corrupt health insurance industry who owns them. All this, by the way, despite the fact that health care reform has been a major issue in every election I have lived through- and I ain’t no spring chicken.
Once again, anyone who spoke up for the environment was openly ridiculed, and those who spread clear, proven lies about climate change were allowed to broadcast their viewpoint as if it had any validity at all. And if that wasn’t enough for you, a group of what can only be specially bred “uber a-holes”, decided they’d rally against the government as it tried address some of these problems- all of which left on their doorstep by the previous, horrific administration- and do so under the name “Tea-Baggers”. TEA BAGGERS! And I’m supposed to take them seriously? Google the name of your movement before you make your first racist sign, jag-offs- then come talk to me! JEEZUS CHRIST!
Oh, and on top of all this, a sequel to Twilight was released. So, seriously, way to go, mankind.
2009 was like a multi-layered shit cake made with special care by a bizarro Cake-Boss. Suckiness this year, like a virus, mutated. It got smarter, meaner- it was like it became a
In 2008, suck came right at you with overwhelming force. After a while, you started to see it coming and could predict its actions. People started to not go see M. Night Shyamalan movies, “According To Jim” was taken off the air and the Republicans were swept out of office. But now, just one year later, suck is back. Take the economy- yes, it hit the shitter for sure, but where 2008 suckiness might have been satisfied with just one big hit- everyone loses their houses- 2009 suckiness stuck around to combination punch us in the balls. We had to bail out the banks, but then were treated to EXTRA SPECIAL suckage, when we watched these bank scumbags give each other obscenely rich bonuses again and again- and then had to sit there and watch people claim that “bonus giving” was essential in the business to keep the brightest minds around. The brightest minds that caused us all to have to bail them out. Enjoy your yacht, douchebag, I’m gonna go eat soup from a can! It doesn’t end there though- then we were openly mocked when we were told we were in recovery. Fine, slap us with that boldface lie, but then to use the term “jobless recovery”, as if that isn't an infuriating term, well that’s some pretty special kind of Bullshit 2.0 that 2009 will be remembered for.
Still don’t believe me? Look at what I like to call the “Bullock Syndrome” we recently went through. In 2009 we were beaten into submission by three (3!) Sandra Bullock movies. We were able to resist the first one pretty well, but then by the second one with Ryan Reynolds we were like – okay, okay we’ll go see it- and then by the THIRD one, people were actually going around saying this can be the year she wins the Oscar! The fucking Oscar! It’s Sandra Bullock! We’re becoming a nation of battered wives.
By the way, you people out there who are NOT putting together Top Ten 2009 A-Hole Lists have no idea how difficult it is to do when each year there the likes of Joe Francis, Dick Cheney and Eddy Curry qualify merely by being alive during the past 12 months! If I didn’t care for my 14 readers, I could fill this list out in two minutes; Al Sharpton, Spencer Pratt, Richard Cheney, Geraldo Rivera, OJ, Madonna, Whoever Made Tila Tequila famous, Mark David Chapman, Anyone With Power In the Credit Card Industry and then one last spot for someone topical – Joe Lieberman. There, done and done- someone on that list dies? Replace them with Bud Selig, again- done! But I do care. So I will go the extra mile and plagiarize someone else’s list for you.
So what A-holes stood above the crowd of other A-holes this year? Who makes it impossible for me to include Lady Gaga here? Let’s take a look…
But first… how bout a special shout out to anyone involved in air travel. Wow, you took flying in a plane and have now made it less appealing than driving in your own damn car. Shit, I flew Continental a couple of weeks ago and asked them for an upgrade- they offered me a ticket for a Greyhound! (That would have been an upgrade, is what I’m saying.) Flying sucks so bad now it makes me want to stay home all the time- and I live in New Jersey! When you get on a plane, not only do you have to basically be a contortionist in order to fit your body in a seat, but you are now regularly charged a “baggage fee”, for whatever bag you are checking and apparently you are also now responsible to physically confront and stop would be terrorists because the airlines and the government are too fucking inept to do so themselves. Be sure, by the way, to get to the airport 16 hours ahead of time, because security needs an hour to frisk the elderly, but the dude with the Muslim name who pays cash, he can go right on board. All this and you get to pay 5 bucks to get head phones so you can watch “Julie and Julia”? No fucking thank you.
10) The Mormon Assholes Who Spent The Early Part Of The Year Outlawing Gay Marriage
It is a sad-ass statement that not only are we still debating whether or not to allow same- sex marriage, but that it is still being openly denied to people who want it. Who the “F” is one person to tell another that they can’t be married to someone else of consenting age? By the way, we are not talking about same-sex marriages that take place in a church or in some sort of religious setting, we are talking about the legal arrangement that is marriage, set forth by our seemingly secular society. And making this an even bigger disgrace? This whole dust up was bankrolled by Mormons! Mormons! Who don’t drink coffee, wear special undies that bring them closer to g-d, and think the Garden of Eden was in Missouri. Unbelievable. Let’s get over the fact that there are gay people who want to get married- gay marriage being legal it doesn’t mean it will be mandatory! If you don’t want to marry a dude, you don’t have to! And to repeat an important point, this is not about bringing gay marriage into your church- relax, the only gay guy there will still be the priest. By the way, lighten up on that too- what, the only guy NOT into lesbians is Jesus? Let me put it to you this way, who would YOU rather be around, two women kissing or a religious extremist?
9) Chris Brown
Hey dude, as much as you may not want to recognize it, beating the shit out of Rihanna was a pretty big deal, you can stop acting so astonished that people think you’re a douchebag for doing it. Now if you had hit Brooke Hogan, you know, that’s another conversation but you made…
Also, nice touch leaking those photos of her naked. (Seriously, nice touch.)
8) Dick Cheney (& Liz)
Holy shit-rainbows and poop-unicorns! Can Dick Cheney, shut up please? Are you kidding me that I still have to listen to this ass-clot after 8 years? At least George W. Bush had the common decency to keep his mouth shut this year.
I used to wonder why Dick Cheney was always such a cranky bitch all the time- is it that he is just a dick? Is it because there are puppies and kittens being born everyday and there’s nothing he can do about that? Is it because he has an old back injury that keeps acting up back from when he had to fight Luke at the end of Empire? Whatever it is, he needs to shut up.
Can someone, the next time this colossal douchebag opens his mouth to blatantly politicize something like the security of our nation, PLEASE remind him that when he was in charge America hated him and his hacks so much that they hired a black guy with a Muslim name to replace him? Can someone point out to him that the people of the United States of America hired Joe Biden for his very job? That’s like being the guy Sean Penn in “I Am Sam” replaced at Starbucks. And can someone tell all this to as well to the horrible Liz Cheney (one of Dick Cheney’s kids, the other being Luke) anytime she opens up her disgusting pig-mouth on TV?
LIZ CHENEY: The current administration simply does not put our nation’s security among its priorities…
ANYONE AGAINST LIZ CHENEY: Your dad did such a horrible job that America replaced him with a black guy, with a Muslim name! End of debate!
Not to start a sub-list but Liz Cheney by the way was one of the higher profile people out there, along with Lou Dobbs to bring the “birther” question into the spotlight. “The Birther” movement was one of 2009’s specialty acts- horrible, completely debunked “movements”, this one focusing on whether or not President Obama was a citizen and thus legally qualified to be President. No matter it had been consistently debunked by a myriad of sources, Cheney decided it was worth a whirl, I suppose because the leader of the “birther movement” Orly Taiz, may have been a lawyer she looked up to, or a dentist she looked up to, because that psychopath and disgraced leader of the birther movement, was a lawyer AND a dentist! (People V. Cavity Creeps?)
ORLY TAITZ, Esq. AND D.D.S.
7) Jon Gosselin
What can you say about this douchebag that hasn’t already been said about Michael Lohan? The guy managed to go from star of his own reality program about 8 “adorable” kids, to public douchebag number one in almost record time. Things got so bad he was fired from his own show- AND THEY KEPT KATE!
A lot has been said on this blog about this jag-off, I’ve covered the Ed Hardy shirts, the blatant, public dysfunction- the Vegas pool party. By the way it was at MGM, those of you who think you can go to a swimming pool in Vegas and not catch VD are on your own, but if I see anyone in the MGM pool who’s not wearing a wetsuit, I’m just gonna have to refer to them as “bug chasers 2.0”.
Most recently, Jon has had his apartment ransacked in NYC. Police say it was clearly done by someone who dislikes him a great deal so therefore they have been able to narrow their search of possible suspects to “everyone on Earth”.
6) The Japanese Fisherman Assholes Who Keep Killing Dolphins
Look, let’s be honest for a second here, the Japanese do some weird, quirky things they like to pass off as culture and 95 percent of the time the world is okay with it. Sushi, karaoke and anime are staples in our everyday society and for the most part, no one really complains about the seriously weird game shows they have.
When you move on to their porn, sure, eyebrows are raised. They’ve given the world “sharking”, their scientists work tirelessly to invent a robot you can have sex with, and for some reason they often pixalate a woman’s private area, yet let her be in a tub naked with eels (nsfw), so yes, they are serious pervs. And further, let me add that I’m all for the senseless killing of animals that would, given the chance, kill me- polar bears, sharks, scorpions, mountain lions, Canadian Geese* etc. But to kill dolphins, when they regularly beat the shit out of sharks is just an example of not getting it. Yeah, I saw “The Cove” the other day, and the Japanese need to get off the whole whaling thing and the senseless slaughter of these dolphins, and certainly stop pretending it's part of any "tradition" or "culture". Jesus, you guys are being complete and total assholes.
*denotes while I’m in a plane.
5) Glenn Beck
I am prouder of the way America treated the Indians, than the fact that people this summer, however small in number, actually went to a rally at the behest of Glenn Beck. This moron, a fucking former Morning Zoo guy, by the way, fancies himself a Howard Beale type, but I have a problem with that, mostly because Howard Beale didn’t cry like a bitch as much.
When he chose to exploit 9-11 for his own career and invent something called “The 9/12 Movement” I found it very sad that some people said, “okay…we’re gonna go and do what that dude who is crying on TV in front of the chalk board says.” Beck often refers to himself as a “rodeo clown”, but a rodeo clown’s job is to distract a bull so that the guy who was just riding him (and pulling a rope connected to the bull’s balls) doesn’t get killed. Rodeo Clowns put their asses on the line for Rodeo cowboys who, let’s face it, have it coming. It’s kind of a courageous gig for a clown and they are easily the 2nd most bad-ass clowns out there. (Here's the first.) I don't especially see Glenn Beck putting his ass in front of a bull for anyone, I don't know why- oh wait, yes I do, it's because this dude would break into tears if Obama did a card trick. Holy shit Rockwell was less paranoid than this asshole.
Watching his show, by the way, he never really says anything factual. There’s always a wink-wink quality to the stuff he says, like President Obama was a “racist”, with “deep seeded hatred for white culture” or that FEMA was setting up “prison camps” or that Acorn threw the election or that their are communist messages in the murals of 30 Rock and I’m like- hey, stop fucking winking at me!
4) Bernie Madoff
In a year dominated by scumbags who work in finance, Bernie Madoff would become the poster child for douchebaggery. Granted, he is a major scumbag who is currently rotting in the big house (jail, not the one he owns in the Hamptons), but part of me regrets that his story was so high profile as it probably takes away from all the other scumbags who have screwed with and damaged the economy this year. Ken Lewis, John Thain, the guys who ran Lehman Bros and let’s not forget Timothy Geithner, Larry Summers, Hank Paulson and Alan Greenspan who all deserve mention. So let it be known that I am mentioning them here, even though what they did was different than what Madoff did, this is the place for all the money people! Let me also mention the SEC too, whose job is to watch over dudes like Madoff and who were warned a number of times but could never bring the great Ponzi scam he was ruining to a halt. He’s symbolic of an industry that REALLY gave it to us hard in 2009
Madoff stole billions of dollars from people, charities and foundations. He ruined countless lives and probably has something to do with why the Mets suck and will continue to suck for the foreseeable future. (The Wilpons had some money with him.) In some ways, he’s won though, yes he’s in jail, but at least he doesn’t have to spend time with his wife anymore, that woman is horrible.
3) Sarah Palin
Much has been written about the decision to have Sarah Palin chosen as John McCain’s running mate back in 2008. And while I haven’t read any of it, (I will not read a book that even has a .005% chance of being a movie- imagine that, all those pages when you could have been finished with the whole thing AND have eaten a tub of popcorn in under two hours) one interesting fact is that she wasn’t his first pick. McCain wanted Joe Lieberman. I’m not exactly how the decision to pick Palin went down, but I have to think it went something like this…
MCCAIN: All right, let’s wrap this up, it’s almost time for dinner. We’re going with Lieberman, right?
MCCAIN’S TIRELESS CAMPAIGN MANAGER: Dinner? It’s 4PM, you old bastard and no- I think we can do…shittier! Are we taking into account fuckability?
And with that, America got Sarah Palin who really, really sucks. You figured in 2009, she’d lay low, right? Yeah, right- *WINK*. (Get it? She winks a lot.)
Wow, did Sarah Palin put on a suck show in 2009. I mean she couldn’t suck more if she reunited Air Supply to put out a Nickelback album. Why the fuck is she a figure in our culture again? Oh yeah, because men out there want to have sex with her. Can’t we want to have sex with someone else? Seriously- do you have to have a fantasy where you can fuck the President, you pervs? This woman is an idiot. Look what she did in 2009 alone-
- Get interviewed in front of a guy who was killing turkeys.
- Conduct a mini-war with David Letterman where she accused him of wanting to have sex with her underage daughter because he made a joke about A-Rod.
- Give a crazy-ass, rambling speech right before she straight up quit her job as Governor of Alaska.
- Go on Oprah and promote her book and try to seem like a victim when asked about how she couldn’t answer tough questions from Katie Couric (Katie Couric!) a year previous.
- Added “trees” to “various animals” who died an undignified death at her hands when her book “Going Rouge” was released.
- Call the aforementioned “birther” question “fair” when asked about it while being interviewed on the radio.
- Accused the Obama adminstration of trying to take “In God We Trust” off our coins, saying that if “In God We Trust” was good enough for the founding fathers it should be good enough for us now, even though “In God We Trust” wasn’t put on money till 1954- this by the way was fact checked by Fox News and disproven. FOX NEWS!
- Have a months long, very public, pissing contest with a teenager and the father of her first grandchild.
That’s a Suck Resume bigger than her actual resume. How come the only thing this woman actually sees through to the end are things that are incredibly annoying?
But by far the most egregious thing she did this year, however, was to coin the phrase “Death Panels”. Palin, on her Facebook page, (hear less of this person, anyone?) essentially wrote that a major component to health care reform was that the government wanted to kill your grandma. Outing this immediately as a huge lie however (it was voted biggest lie of 2008) didn’t stop a shit storm that lead to the section of the Health Care reform that included “end of life counseling” being stripped out.
So, let’s say I’m a little biased about Sarah Palin being an a-hole, you know just for argument’s sake. This speech puts her on the list all by itself. What the hell is this jag-off talking about? Seriously, find a coherent point in this. She was going to be the 2nd in command? The real question here is how could she only be #3 on this list…
2) The Reaper
The Grim Reaper came to 2009 to kick-ass and chew bubble gum and apparently, he killed the guy who makes bubble gum because holy shit did the Reaper wreak havoc this past year. Young, old, weird- no one was safe from his icy touch. We lost so many heavy-duty celebrities, it’s hard to even express. You think the Oscars run long? This year the memorial section itself will be 90 minutes. Any other year Dom DeLuise would get 2 shots in the death montage, and a friendly round of applause, this year he’ll be lucky to make the cut!
How did Larry King, Lindsay Lohan and Courtney Love get through this year?
So who will be #1?
The tension is mounting, so many a-holes, but yet there must be one who hasn’t been named yet….
Is it Joe Jackson, who showed abusive dads the world over if you beat your kids enough they could very well grow up to be the weirdest person to ever walk the face of the earth, and then, when they die in a weird way, you can plug your new record company at a press conference in front of their home?
Is it Carrie Prejean, the former “Miss California” who in 2009 set standards for being dumb even among beauty pageant contestants? This is a hot chick so annoying Donald Trump told her to take a hike, and he gave the world Omarosa . She managed to offend lesbians and enthrall religious kooks by referring to same-sex unions as “opposite marriage” before enthralling lesbians and offending religious kooks by appearing in 7 solo sex tapes. In between she had her Miss California crown stripped from her, sued to get it back citing religious discrimination, wrote a crappy book, and walked off Larry King Live in a big huff- pretty impressive when you consider that at her age, it took Madonna 3 years to be that much of an a-hole.
Could it be the Octomom, who after getting plastic surgery to look more like Angelina Jolie, decided to be she’d be artificially inseminated with 8 embryos despite already having 6 kids and not having gainful employment- making her the worse of the seemingly endless parade of women in 2009 on TV who used their uteruses as clown cars. (Another horrible trend, by the way.)
Could it be Richard Heene, whose sad thirst to have a reality show made about his family led him to tell people his son (named Falcon, by the way) was in a giant floating Jiffy-puff bag, hovering over the western part of the country?
Or is it the media who at the instant that the Richard Heene- balloon boy story broke, gave us non-stop, uninterrupted coverage of the giant Jiffy-Pop container floating over the western part of the country? Mind you this was without knowing if there was an actual kid in there, and once it was determined that there wasn’t, the story was still on for a week to ten days later.
Perhaps it’s Rush Limbaugh? I know the assertion that helping the people who are dying in the street in Haiti is only a ploy by the Obama administration “to gain favor with the dark and light skinned community”, (because let’s face it, he’s not really getting all the support he can from that community, I mean there probably are about 10-12 black people in America who didn’t vote for him) will qualify for the 2010 Douche of the Year search, but this fat a-hole has done plenty in 2009 to make the list.
Can it be the women of the View, simply because the View still exists?!
These are all excellent candidates, but the winner, ironically, is a proven, horrible candidate. I present to you the biggest douchebag of 2009, Senator Joe Lieberman from Connecticut.
1) Joe Lieberman
When was the last time you asked your Senator for something? It’s quite possible, never. Pretty much the way it works is, they shower us with bullshit, especially around elections, and we have to decide between 2 candidates, who the lesser of two evils is.
What do they get from the experience? They’re voted into positions of power where they preside over vast amounts of money, are given voice at a government body where laws are made and given great influence over what gets funded and what does not. They vote to send us to wars (normally based on how they will be perceived politically), that they and their families will never have to participate in, and they are able to set themselves up for life through the favor they show towards a particular company or industry during their time in office. Not a bad gig, as long as you don’t get caught on tape taking a bribe (after 22 days in office), or killing someone, you’re basically on easy street.
So would it be okay if we asked you, you miserable pieces of human garbage, for one fucking thing? Could you, you disgusting corrupt pigs, you know, make it easier- or in some cases, possible, for us to get decent affordable health care?
Now, I’m not crazy. And I’m going to take this concept way back to the beginning- to just the idea that health care needs to be reformed. I’m not talking about the shitty bill we have been left with right now. I’m not even talking about you paying for my root canal and my mistress’ new boobs yet. I’m talking about the idea of health care reform that 65 % of the people in this country wanted. The idea that Republicans during their tenures in the White House, I’m sorry but its true, did nothing to obtain. I’m talking about one of the major principles in the election of Barack Obama, specifically: the current system we employ being the most rife with cost, and least efficient, this combined with the country being extremely bold in the 2008 elections, are all factors leading up to this health care debate and evidence that people wanted reform. Add to this, the exceedingly obnoxious and dubious practices of health insurers- the denials of coverage, the blanket dismissals of claims, the indiscriminate refusal to cover in the first place and the infuriating under-coverage to those who are actually paying to be covered. And finally add the people who lose coverage and are then financially ruined by the costs associated with getting care to the equation.
The call for change, was/ is pretty friggin’ clear. So, what happened? Some shit you would not believe.
Joe Lieberman, a disgusting political hack in a world of horrible political hacks, is sadly only the most high profile of the INCREDIBLE douchebags that let us down this year.
Being from Connecticut, home to major insurance companies, I would understand and even appreciate if he were just honest enough to say “health care reform would damage my state”. Or even “health care reform, would hurt the people who own me”, but Lieberman probably recognized he needn’t say those things. He could just rely on his position in the Senate, as #1 asshole and super-majority point man to screw everyone over.
What puts him at the top of list is the pathetic acting exercise he did when he tried to make his opposition to health care reform seem in any way genuine. Not enough that he had supported most of the stuff on the table, including the Medicare buy-in as recently as 2007, faced with the concept that some reform may actually come to bear, and the insurance industry he’s sworn to protect possibly be moved into harm’s way, he decide to kill two birds with one stone. He’d protect the insurers, and be an obstructive dick to his own party.
He claimed health care reform would cost too much, that it would add to the deficit (both republican talking points) and that we simply needed to “wait” till the economy was better. I have a better idea, why don’t you do your fucking job. The only people the public option would endanger would be the insurance companies screwing us over.
Lieberman is not without company in the valley of douchebags. The health care reform “debate”, which wasn’t a debate at all, was filled with bullshit from so many different sources that it quickly became difficult to keep track.
The media was consistent in their ability to let us down, constantly repeating the false claims of lying politicians (the Sarah Palin Death Panel lie, propagated by Senator Chuck Grassley among others), and allowing for the sad case of Joe “You Lie” Wilson to be made over and over again- i.e. having people on to talk about how egregious a breach of etiquette it was, before commenting on how filled with passion he was that he was unable to control himself and thusly get his narrative across.
It was a sad thing to watch- our leaders and media so incredibly controlled by the health insurance industry, that the one threat to their vice-like grip on the balls of decent health care, the public option, was dismantled before it even got to the floor for a debate.
By the way, next time that animal Dick Armey of the pharmaceutical industry funded “Freedomworks” gets on TV to talk about how reforming health care is the equivalent to socialized medicine, let me on to debate him- here’s how’d it go…
DICK ARMEY: My view on this is, anyone who wants to reform health care is a socialist who wants to ration your care and kill your grandma, we should let the market decide.
ME: We’re listening to this guy? His name is DICK ARMEY! Are we done here?
The public option, which, technically would have been a major blow to the corrupt insurance industry’s hold on your balls, died a lonely death, and the Senators- and I’m talking about the democratic ones, disgraced themselves by attempting to extort the White House for their votes. Ben Nelson and Joe Stupak’s abortion language was especially disgraceful as democrats allowed for other democrats to throw women under the bus all to get a piece of shit bill passed. Truly a shitty moment for all concerned.
One final note, it would be naïve to suggest that blindly championing a “public option” is the remedy for what ails us in the gigantic shit-storm that is our health care system, however, the concept of putting the kind of serious financial pressure on that industry (an industry that has shown brazen indifference towards those it serves) that comes with the public option would be invaluable to reform. And why not put the bad guys on their heels for once? The only reason I can think of not to would be that they’d be pissed because they had given me so much money over the years for my campaign and that’s no way to repay someone who’s been so nice to you.
Well, that does it for 2009. Congrats Joe Lieberman and drop dead. Incidentally, I’m glad I got to post this before the end of 2010 and as always, just because you’re not on the list- “adult women who un-ironically associate themselves with something called ‘Team Jacob’”, "Ashton Kutcher", or "person who brought back Kara Dioguardi"– doesn’t mean you’re not part of the problem.
Here’s to the new year, may it not suck as much as the old- although, come on, it will, we know it, I just said that to have something to drink to.
Follow What Sucks on Twitter!