Friday, October 30, 2009

What Sucks…Whorish Halloween Costumes For Kids: Perv Watch V.27


Lookit, I have long been a proponent for women’s Halloween costumes which present the simple concept of dressing like an indian, nurse, police officer (gotcha) or cowgirl and combine it with looking like an slutty, slutty whore. It’s good for men, it’s good for America.

But the key word in the above sentence is “woman”.

This year, what can only be described as an “ass-load” of Halloween costume companies seems to be trying to A) turn your “tween” daughter into a whore and B) get this guy, in trouble. (I’m kidding, that’s Eddie Pepitone, a gifted comic actor living in LA, buy his CD here so he doesn’t get mad at me for using his picture.)

So, WTF, Halloween costume making companies, are you staffed entirely with pervs? People want to trick or treat in their neighborhoods, not the seedy-side of a town in Thailand! Look at some of these costumes!


A Geisha girl? Are you shitting me? Great. Halloween costumes for peds with Asian fetishes!



Here’ s the Scarecrow and the Cowardly Lion from “The Wizard of Oz”, apparently the remake directed by Larry Clark!



Yo, ho, ho- in a big friggin' way. Yeah, send your daughter out in this, next year she’ll be going as a rape victim!


What Sucks Bonus…Sexy Ghostbusters



Once again, I’m all for whoring it out this time of year for adults, but come on- sexy Ghostbuster?

WTF? This wasn’t even in the movie? I’m all for whoring it up on Halloween but come on- have we really exhausted every single possibility that you now need to start making up, potential whory costumes? Did I miss “sexy accountant” and “sexy repo-girl”?
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Thursday, October 29, 2009

What Sucks…Roman Polanski!


Roman Polanski headed for extradition!

This is good news for many reasons, not the least of which is that Hollywood gets a chance to get this story right. And yes, I realized that normally you shouldn’t need a Mulligan when it comes to supporting a guy who raped 13 year old, but we have one so, let’s make the best of it.

Here’s a couple of tips on how not to make the same mistakes you made last time, Hollywood.

1) Do NOT circulate petitions saying he should be released! Don’t do it. And if you see a petition for it, don’t sign. The public isn’t going to understand anyone signing that thing other than R. Kelly! And they shouldn’t its just not cool!

2) If someone asks you why you think he should be released, saying “he’s a good director” is not a good enough reason!

Look, I love Star Wars, but that doesn’t mean George Lucas gets to have his way with Miley Cyrus. Even though you know he would. Look at that guy- he’d like nothing better than to get his excess neck-skin in a room with her! I digress.

3) Do not try and downplay what Polanski did by saying it wasn’t “Rape-rape”. I shouldn’t even have to say this. By the way, rapes other than “Rape-rapes” are still bad. Hollywood is still having a hard time with this- someone quoted noted old gay dude Gore Vidal the other day calling the woman Polanski raped a “hooker” the other day.

WTF?

Why is this so hard for people to understand? It’s NOT Chinatown!?! Which leads me too...

What Sucks Bonus...The End of Chinatown


Ahem, spoiler alert, 35 years later.

Why doesn’t this movie get more shit for its ending? Yes, I understand it’s a great film in respect to the whole noir thing and it looks pretty amazing and the story is pretty damn good and Nicholson is excellent and overall it is a classic, no problem there.

But the ending, more specifically the last line- come on.

“Forget it Jake, it’s Chinatown.”

Forget it? How fucked up was Chinatown in that era? A woman was just shot in full view of 40 people by a cop who no one denies is basically an employee of the man who raped her 17 years earlier! Oh yeah and that rapist guy? He’s also her dad AND the father of her child. Oh and he also basically had her husband killed and “Forget it Jake, it’s Chinatown.” is what the guy says?

Oh yeah, it’s Chinatown, my bad. I forgot. I’ll go get a “unicorn burger” and hang out with the two-headed Elvis at the all night strip club/ slaughterhouse down the block. Oh hey, can I borrow a centaur tooth, I’m out of them and apparently that’s the currency here cause we’re in Chinatown.

At least the Wire has Omar killed in the final year.
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What Sucks...ME!


I haven't thrown anything up here in a few days, I'm sorry I will hit this shit up backdate-style today!
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Wednesday, October 28, 2009

What Sucks…The Cleveland Indians


Tonight the last two Cy Young Award winners, who both won the award while pitching for you, will face off in Game 1 of the World Series. And earlier today, you gave your team to Manny Acta, the guy who just managed the Nationals, and who before that was a coach on the Mets.

Enjoy.
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Tuesday, October 27, 2009

What Sucks…The David Spade Tommy Boy Direct TV Ad


Sorry to join the chorus of voices on the net disgusted by this ad a little late, but what’s that old phrase? Better late than never except when showing up to a Sandra Bullock film.

I can’t see how doing this ad could be cool with David Spade. First off, he’s a pretty successful comic. If he spent all his SNL money, and his Joe Dirt money and his Tommy Boy, Black Sheep, Just Shoot Me, Showbiz Show, Rules of Engagement money, he should still have the money from those Capitol One commercials, shouldn’t he?

And hey direct TV, why don’t you do one of your ads with someone who isn’t dead? Last year you did Poltergeist, now this? There are a zillion movies out there- chose one with live actors!
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Monday, October 26, 2009

What Sucks…Vultures


Behold, the bird’s entry into the “World’s Shittiest Animal Sweepstakes”- the vulture.

Vultures look like this, eat rotting flesh and defend themselves by projectile vomiting at their enemies. Throw in the fact that that they can fly, can grow to have wing spans of close to 6 feet, and grunt and hiss like giant snakes when they feel threatened, and you have an animal fashioned from the nightmares of Edgar Allen Poe, as directed by Tim Burton, in a very bad mood.

Toss in the popular notion that you only see these things when you’re alone, near death, somehow stuck walking alone through a dessert, and we’re pretty much talking about the opposite of a butterfly here.

Consider these vulture fun facts: (Spoiler alert- they are not fun).

- a vulture can eat a diseased corpse of an animal, and through its digestive system, the disease will be rendered neutral, that is to say, the vulture’s poop will be clean. Which is nice.

- the vomit of a vulture has more acidic content than acid rain, and if its incredible stench doesn’t scare away its predator, the vomit contacting the skin will actually burn it.

- vultures urinate on themselves as a method of cooling their skin and destroying bacteria that may have gotten on them while feeding on a dying, diseased animal. Sure, they could be more careful about eating, but then they wouldn't have the need to pee on themselves.

- a vulture will often begin eating an animal corpse at its anus or at its eyes. Why? Because in most cases, that is where the dead animal is most vulnerable. So, ah, take that, other animals who think they’re creepy- I’m talking to YOU- eels, tapeworms and ticks.

- vultures can smell a dead mouse under leaves at 200 feet in the sky. To put that in perspective, consider that if milk smells bad, you know immediately to not put it in your coffee- the vulture would be all like “ah, no, it’s the other way around.”

So, nice job on the vulture, God, seriously give yourself a pat on the back.
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Musical Theater Majors Are Doing Their Part...

These nerds from glee club have the grapes to go in and cause what passes as a ruckus for them, so we can get out from underneath the grips of a corrupt industry, who as a practice, refuse to pay for people’s medical treatment all the time.

These pigs, (the insurance lobbyists, not the cast of your high school’s production of “Carousel”) react with dismissal and laughter, and why shouldn’t they? After all, they’ve spent an unprecedented amount of money to buy your politicians, and then have them routinely dismiss the need for a public option, even after a large majority of the people- both democrats and republicans- favor reform, while themselves subscribing to a publicly funded, free form of health coverage for their loved ones.

You must be thinking- what balls. If you are, you’re probably thinking like the musical theater geeks above right before they were moved to action. Sadly, their “action”, is writing a musical parody of Annie, dressing up as lobbyists and singing it one by one after they’ve infiltrated this douchebag seminar.

But imagine they had another way of expressing themselves? Imagine could express their outrage, in a way other than a song parody of a long-running Broadway show. Imagine if step two of their plan did not NOT involve rhyming the word “deductible” and inserting it into a song from the score of Jesus Christ Superstar.

If you can imagine that, then you’re half way to doing YOUR version of what these nerds did. Are you a baker? Design a cake that has written on it the words “Insurance Companies Suck”. Are you a tattoo artist? Draw “F Aetna” on someone’s arm. Are you a hooker? Then don’t have take anyone in the health insurance industry as a client, or better yet, charge them double or give them the clap.

These douchetards, (health insurance lobbyists and the walking human failures that are our politicians) should see reminders of their actions everywhere they look, at all times.

These nerds stood up and I never was so proud to have been in Joseph & The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat as a Junior in High School in my life (I did it for the chicks, I swear.)

What are YOU willing to do?
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Friday, October 23, 2009

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Lil’ Wayne, Jon Gosselin, Ashlee Simpson, Driving A La-Z-Boy While Drunk


…Lil’ Wayne

Pleaded guilty to attempted gun possession. A judge will sentence him later this month, once he gets over the fact that this case had nothing to do with weed. Holy crap- to find the gun on this dude, how many one-hitters did police run their hands over while frisking him?


…Jon Gosselin

Finally returned the $180K he stole from his family. AHEM, in a related story, say it with me America, Ed Hardy clothing stores reported $180K in returned clothes.


…Ashlee Simpson

Fired from the new Melrose Place. Next up for the failed pop-singer? Sucking at painting! Seriously, after her album bombing this is the 2nd bad thing to happen to Ashlee Simpson in a row- 3rd if you count marrying Pete Wentz!


…Driving A La-Z-Boy While Drunk

This dude pleaded guilty to driving a motorized La-Z-Boy while hammered. I don’t blame him, pretty hard to fight a DWI when you’re caught on a vehicle that would only make sense to be in when you’re shit-faced. What happened, he drive along until he heard a cop say over his PA “pull the chair over!”
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What Sucks…The Nasty Film That Forms On Your Blackberry Screen When You Talk On It For A Little While



Is there a name for this thing yet? How bout “Blackberry Ear Cheese Residue”? Or perhaps “Ear Sweat Film-Berry”? Maybe “Ear Deposit Berry-Coating”? “Black-Ear Berry-Scum”? “Froth-Berry”?

“Blackberry-Crust”?

It can’t just be sweat, can it? How much can the human ear perspire- it’s all cartilage isn’t it- this thing threatens to violate the replacement policy of my terms of service agreement with Verizon due to “water” damage!

Producing off-color wax, unsightly hair, and now this? How disgusting is the human ear?
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Thursday, October 22, 2009

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Whitney Houston, Rosie O’Donnell, Fox News, Target


…Whitney Houston

While performing on “The X Factor” Whitney’s dress strap broke causing her to stop mid-performance so…congratulations Whitney for having to stop your performance for something other than crack or Bobby Brown getting arrested!


…Rosie O’Donnell

Rosie O’Donnell and her wife Kelli Carpenter are rumored to be splitting up. Ugh! If these two can’t make it, what hope is there for the rest of the couples I don’t want to picture in my mind having sex?!


…Fox News

This White House V. Fox News tiff is looking like a real war of words with the White House saying Fox News is just propaganda for the Republican Party and Fox News saying…“Ah, yeah. So...?


…Target

Nice. No way this is offensive. Let me get this straight, this Halloween you can be a child-whore, or a walking hate crime. Hey Halloween costume designers, stop being degenerates!
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What Sucks Presents…If Bad Guys Tweeted


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What Sucks…Steve Phillips


Ah, awkward. Steve Phillips, who as a General Manager of the Mets made bad decisions (Mo Vaughn, Robbie Alomar) also as a horn-dog has made bad decisions (this chick, this settlement). Now, you may exercise your right not to click any of those links, but if you think I’m gonna let you avoid having to know that Steve Phillips has a big birthmark on his junk, you’re crazy. I had to be horrified, why not you?

As for this letter, I don’t want to say the woman he had the affair with is a little unhinged, but return address is from CrazyTown, Krazvocia and yes, your eyes are not deceiving you, Krazvocia is so crazy it’s spelled with a “K”! Also, I have it on pretty good authority where the place for a stamp was, she put some spaghetti, so there- she’s nuts! Come on, she called Steve Phillips’ wife, friended his son on Facebook and most telling of all, had sex with Steve Phillips!

Nice eye for talent, Steve- look at that picture up there, it looks like he's hugging a young Ron Carey!


Click to enlarge

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Wednesday, October 21, 2009

What Sucks...Stephanie Pratt


Stephanie Pratt, who apparently is on MTV’s The Hills was arrested or something over the weekend on drunk driving, I think(?) Sorry I can’t be more authoritative on this one as far as who she is or what really happened- maybe I shouldn't have even brought this up. I guess I should only write what I know for sure…let me try again.

Stephanie Pratt’s brother is a huge douchebag.
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What Sucks…Elvis’ Hair


Elvis’ hair was sold at an auction in Chicago for $15,000. WhatSucksBlog has received the exclusive transcript of the actual auction.

AUCTIONEER: Okay, our next item, number 34B in your program is, ahem, “Elvis’ Hair”, believe to be from 1958. Okay, ah, let’s start the bidding at, I don’t know- 3 dollars?

BIDDER: I’ll bid 15K!

AUCTIONEER: $15,000. Okay, $15,000 going once, $15,000 going twice…Sold! To the guy who’s clearly not affected by the recession!

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What Sucks…Meghan McCain’s Picture Thing On Twitter


Megan McCain caused a stir this week by “accidentally” posting a sexy picture of herself on Twitter, this according to the New York Daily News and #Chubbychaser. (Twitter by the way is a micro-blogging site where you can post anything you want as long as it’s less than 140 pounds characters.)

But seriously, why is this a controversy? A girl with big cans puts her picture on the net. So? I mean that should be it- end of story. But then there were apologies and people getting offended and hurt feelings all around…what the “F” people? I don’t get it, is it because she’s holding up a book? I mean I’m just as much against reading books as the next guy but come on, I think you’re nit-picking here.

MM actually threatened to delete her Twitter account over this- no one should be dissuaded from putting boobs on the net, take a look at this thing and I’m sure you’ll agree, a picture is worth 165 pounds 1000 words! (Damn typos.)
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Tuesday, October 20, 2009

What Sucks...Joe Girardi


Jesus! 8 relievers on a day before he throws a guy on 3 days rest? Donald Trump doesn’t micro-manage this much! I’m tuning in tonight, not just because I’m a Yankee fan, but because I want to see if Girardi tries to take a guy out mid-pitch!
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Monday, October 19, 2009

What Sucks…Sharks!


After a Sea World employee in Scotland was bitten by a shark in an aquarium yesterday this UK based website labeled the story as “weird”. Obviously they either don’t know what a shark is, or do not label stories that appear on their website under the title “not-surprising”. So, reason 3788 that sharks blow- you don’t even have to be in the ocean to be bitten by one.

Yes, you would think you are relatively safe from shark attacks if you were either A) in the United Kingdom, B) at a Sea World or C) at an aquarium, but it turns out none of that is true.

And apparently, this particular shark- an “angel shark” or “monkfish” is known for ambush attacks, where it basically hides under something till its prey (read: anything it wants to bite) comes close enough for it to spring. Apparently, they grow close to 5 feet most of the time and even though they can look like a ray, trust me it is a friggin’ shark and will kill you.

The good news is, these sharks take a long time to reproduce and a substantial time to mature once they are born, so if we kill a bunch of them quickly- with bombs or Sarah Palin in a “water-plane”, we have a good shot at wiping them out! RECORD SCRATCH!

The Wildlife and Countryside Act of Great Britain is protecting these killers? Unbelievable!
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What Sucks…Def Leppard


It’s not so much you canceled the 3rd leg of your tour, it’s that you did it for “unforeseen personal reasons”.

“Unforeseen personal reasons”? That’s the reason? WTF?

Def Leppard, this is US you’re talking to- you’re gonna give us some vague bullshit like “unforeseen personal reasons”. We’ve seen your Behind The Music. Unforeseen Personal Reasons? You came clean about a severed arm, a dead guitar player-- half the fun of going to one of your shows is wondering what bad-luck/ F’d up thing is about to happen to you so I guess what I’m asking is…

Who’d you kill?

Seriously- dead mom of 3, trying to re-live her youth drank too much and croaked in your dressing room one night after a show? Drummer with one hand had sex with a groupie, who's husband then caught you guys leaving that night and you all had to kill him? Come clean!

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Thursday, October 15, 2009

What Sucks…The Reaper


Sorry for the back to back reaper posts, but the Reaper took Al Martino, or as he was known in the Godfather, Johnny Fontane, this week and if I didn’t say something about it, I think it would send the wrong message. As a matter of fact, if I thought it would do any good, I’d make sure that the reaper would be waking up with a horse’s head in his bed with him this morning, ‘cept that the reaper is a sick fuck who would probably enjoy that.

Anyway, Al Martino had a 50-year singing career where he had to play ball with the Mafia, appeared in one of the greatest movies of all time and served as a marine in World War II, getting wounded in the battle of Iwo Jima. So yeah, put it this way not sure you can any of those things about Michael Bublé.

On a quick, personal, note which makes this entry all about me, when I was a younger person just getting his start in show biz (I’m “26” now, this was when I first started in the biz at 16) I worked as the receptionist at a pretty big comedy talk show (brag). Part of my job was to answer the phone for the talent department and one day the representatives of Al Martino called to see if they could get him on the show. True story. While taking the message I had a wonderful idea, I would tell the publicist on the other end of the phone, once I finished taking her number, that “Al Martino would be perfect for this gig” and that furthermore it would “make him a big star” but that he wasn’t going to get it because I, as a receptionist, was going to “run him out of the business”.

After an awkward moment she tried to speak but I cut her off saying “You don’t understand- Al Martino never gets this spot!” And I offered to tell her why- adding that Martino tried to “make me look ridiculous” and that “a man in my position can’t afford to look ridiculous!”

Silence on the other end of the phone. Later, I was called into the talent director’s office and told to “just take the message.”

Al Martino, RIP.


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Wednesday, October 14, 2009

What Sucks…The Reaper


This summer was an exercise in talking about how much the Reaper sucked- so much so in fact I started to believe the Reaper was just offing people for the attention. So when he took the woman from Peter, Paul & Mary (Mary Tavers) and noted jazz musician and power forward Wayman Tisdale, I didn’t even post about it. But today, I can’t ignore that the Reaper took Captain Lou Albano, the great wrestler, manager of wrestlers and scene stealer from Cindi Lauper videos at the all-too-young age of 76.

Captain Lou revolutionized wrestling in the mid-to-late 80’s by seeing something that no one else at the time had the vision to see, specifically that wrestling could be combined with music and that that combo would INCREASE its popularity. Seriously, who knew?



Captain Lou also revolutionized rubber bands in terms of using them with beards and as facial piercings and I shudder to think where the careers of Magnificent Don Muraco, The Samoans, and Greg “The Hammer” Valentine would have gone if not for his guidance.

Captain Lou, RIP.



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Tuesday, October 13, 2009

What Sucks…CNN.COM Quick Vote



WTF?

I don’t know what goes on at Quick Vote section of CNN.COM, if they just every once in a while throw out a poll to see if we’re watching, or if there are a few people there who are cool and one guy who’s just an A-hole, but nice question today.

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Monday, October 12, 2009

What Sucks Salutes Giant Balls: The Health Insurance Industry


So, the scumbag Heath Insurance Industry, who routinely drop people from their coverage when they get ill, who won’t even insure you if they feel you have a pre-existing condition, and who consistently and institutionally under-perform when you in fact HAVE insurance, are going to weigh in right now and tell everyone that if any health care reform bill goes through (and the one they have lined up is some weak-ass shit) the result will be that premiums will sky-rocket and that care will decline.

All I can say is…balls. Huge ones. Ones that should really be looked at by a well-trained physician.

All this mind you despite the fact that the piece-of-garbage politicians we have, have already all but caved on a “public option”, which by the way, would have made a real difference in leveling the playing field for people in need of coverage. A public option, incidentally, favored by upwards of 60% of the people in polls taken as recently as last week.

So the health insurance industry, who, basically have written this bill will now venture in to try to tell us, those who they are currently fucking, that this bill sucks and its implementation will cause them to fuck us more.

Stunning.

I hope the size of their balls is not diagnosed as a “pre-existing” condition, because then they would not be covered in any treatment they would need to decrease the size of their enormous, eclipse causing, balls.

Seriously folks, are we gonna wait for someone to be denied coverage for breast cancer because an insurance company determined they have a pre-existing condition such as having a breast?

They didn’t cover a baby last week because they felt he was too chubby! These people are sick and they own the politicians who write laws that benefit them, and keep us one serious sickness from bankruptcy.

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Friday, October 09, 2009

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Jon Gosselin, The Letterman Thing, Target, Brooke Astor's Son



...Jon Gosselin

Father of the Year gives his 9 year-old daughter an ATV for her birthday- this dude won’t be satisfied until the show is called “Jon & Kate Plus 7”.



…This Whole Letterman Thing

Are you kidding me? People are upset because Dave is having sex with some of the women who work on the show? Here’s an insightful question that gets to the bottom of this whole controversy…ready? Ahem…who gives a shit?

Now there are reports about Jimmy Kimmel dating someone on his show- little show biz secret here- the reason dudes want to get their own shows in the first place is so they can bang the women who work for them.




…Target

Sorry- was in Target the other day when I came across this display of Men’s ESSENTIAL, wait for it…bandanas. Essential bandanas? Really? Can a bandana ever be essential? What am I, in a Poison cover band?



…Brooke Astor’s Son

Normally if someone pulls a fast one on the elderly, I’m all for it. But stealing tens of millions of dollars from your mom as she slowly dies from Alzheimer’s takes it a little too far. Hey Brooke Astor’s son, next time, come home with a fake tattoo, or kiss a person of a different race on the lips!
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Thursday, October 08, 2009

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Finicky Cats, The “F6 Number Lock” Button, Rush Limbaugh, Protest Over Health Care Reform Cost


…Finicky Cats

Are you trying to tell me these cats would rather starve than eat cat-food? I say let’s call their bluff!


…The “F6 Number Lock” Button

I have never once used this button on my laptop, where it was not a mistake, and the green light under it, which indicates it being on, is so feint that you invariably spend 45 minutes after hitting it, trying to figure out what is wrong with your computer. Who is it made for? Who is using it?!


…Rush Limbaugh Buying the Rams

You think their offense is conservative now, wait till the quarterback drops back and denounces gay marriage!


…Protest Over Health Care Reform Cost

People are bugging that the Congressional Budget Office says the health care bill recently drafted by the Senate would cost 829 Billion dollars over the first decade. Chill everyone- that’s just a little more than you’re paying now.
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Wednesday, October 07, 2009

What Sucks...Funny Web Video: Puny Little Man



Watch more cool animation and creative cartoons at Aniboom
The great Mark Salisbury, a dude I've worked with a bunch of times, who did the titles for Mocap, LLC threw together this video in a Marvel Comic animation contest.

Your mission? Watch it, and vote for it. Rate this higher than Snoop Dogg on top of Mt. Everest. And tell your friends to as well. And your enemies- they'll be like "Okay, I guess I could do that..." and it will really mess with them.
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What Sucks…Human Werewolf Syndrome


In the vast array of diseases that suck- and there are a lot of them, one of the most cruel has to be “Human Werewolf Syndrome”. Even the name of it is an insult (can't use the Latin name here?) Growing large amounts of thick, black hair that covers your body and your face is not cool. Let’s face it, Teen Wolf and Teen Wolf Too make it seem glamorous, but the vast majority of the people afflicted with this disorder do not get the girl- mostly because unlike teen-wolves, they don’t get the cool fangs and sharp claws and the ability to slam dunk a basketball. They just get the hair.

Ed note: Just saying the girl Michael J. Fox gets as a wolf in Teen Wolf, was hotter than the girl he got as a time traveling human in Back To The Future.
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Tuesday, October 06, 2009

What Sucks…Meredith Vierra: Perv Watch V. 26


Got this video off of the great Warming Glow the other day, suffice to say, hey grandma, keep it in your pants! This dude has enough on his mind worrying about protecting us all from Alfonse Qaeda without having you aggressively hit on him. The show is called “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?” not, “Who Wants To Bang Someone Who’s A Million Years Old?” Have some respect- this kid is out of your league- he fought in Iraq, not Korea!
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Monday, October 05, 2009

What Sucks…Roman Polanski Defenders


So, 30 years or so ago, Roman Polanski had sex with a 13-year-old girl after slipping her booze and a mickey, and basically admitted to it in court. Then, he hightailed it out of here in a big way, moving to France and living in Europe where he made films, had a family and won awards. The other day, he was arrested in Switzerland where he now waits to see whether or not he will be extradited to the US, to serve the time for the incident.

News of his arrest made all the horrible cable news channels and talk shows that infect our country, and people displayed their outrage at how he hasn’t been brought home yet although no one seemed to ask- why the hell it has taken 30 years. Before I could write a blog entry about how it sucks that all of these a-holes now, all of a sudden, think it’s a big idea, the OTHER side of this argument releases a huge-ass petition of people that want Polanski to be released and let off the hook.

And why?

From what I can determine, because he’s a good director. Because he made “Chinatown”, and “Rosemary’s Baby”, and I guess “The Pianist” (porn version of that film by the way, also called “The Pianist”).

That was the argument. Oh and that it wasn’t “Rape rape”.

First off, he also made “Pirates”! And “Frantic”! So, you know, let’s reevaluate the whole good director thing. Secondly, “Rape rape”? Are you serious? You can say it wasn’t “Rape rape”? Was he charged with “Rape rape”?

Lookit, I still get letters from the Weehawken Municipal Court about parking tickets I got in the early 2000’s- and I’m a successful blogger and creator of the great Mocap, LLC. This guy directs a movie about a waif who gets knocked up by the devil and we should forget about him having sex with a 13 year-old? No way, pervs!
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Friday, October 02, 2009

What Sucks Salutes Women With Bad Taste In Men!


…Carol Anne Boone

Not only married Ted Bundy when he proposed to her, but married him when he proposed to her at his own serial killing murder trial!


…Nancy Garrido

Women who do donkey porn choose better partners than this psychopath.



…Elizabeth Edwards & That Wacko Lady John Edwards’ Had An Affair With

Hard to believe that a guy who had an affair on his wife, who was dying of cancer, knocked up the woman he was having the affair with, then after denying the kid was his, promised to marry her AND get Dave Matthews to play the wedding, came so close to be Vice President. Thank G-d for John Kerry’s stunning lack of charisma.



…Mackenzie Phillips

Having a 10-year, sometimes consensual affair with her dad? Lookit, I’m not a woman- and I certainly don’t claim to know how they think, but I would imagine that even the ones among us who get into the WORST relationships have at least a few questions they ask themselves before hooking up with a guy for ten years and among those questions could possibly be, oh I don’t know, “does this guy like dogs?”, “what kind of music is he into?” and oh yeah, “IS THIS GUY MY FUCKING DAD?”

A rare qualifier for Women With Bad Taste In Men and Women With Bad Taste in Dads!
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Thursday, October 01, 2009

What Sucks…Jon & Kate


For a little while now Jon & Kate have not been able to stand being around each other, and now it’s become pretty clear America feels the same way because the other day, how do I put it, Jon was FIRED FROM HIS OWN FAMILY!

That is how detestable these people are! A guy can get fired from his own family! (Sorry about the caps but I didn’t think we were allowed to fire anyone from a family- Cousin Sue- you’re on notice!)

So NOW can we PLEASE not ever have to hear from Jon & Kate again? Every time I see them I literally feel like I’m going through a divorce….awkwardly sitting through their silent tension…walking on eggshells because a fight could break out at any minute…soon I’ll have to put the fake smile on when meeting their “new” boyfriend or girlfriend. Oh, they’ll both try and tell me that mommy or daddy only made a new “friend”, but come on- how many “friends” sleep over in the same bed? Okay? I’m not dumb.

And why do I have to go through this again!?! I already went through my parent’s divorce!

I feel bad for the person who pitched this show- it’s gone from a heartwarming tale of a young couple dealing with 8 adorable kids, to a stark drama about the fragility of the human psyche.

When this thing came out it was “Jon & Kate, brought to you by Gerber’s Baby Food…” And now it’s… “Jon & Kate, sponsored by “Bum Fights” DVD out this Tuesday.

You rent season 5 on Netflix, it says “viewers also enjoyed…‘A Clockwork Orange’.

It’s devolved into a contest to see who’s more hate-able. Kate’s mean to the kids…Jon’s wearing Ed Hardy shirts. Jon has an affair with the babysitter…Kate has an affair with a bodyguard- all these affairs- I have friends with one kid and I haven’t seen them in months, these losers have EIGHT, you know how determined they must be to have affairs?

Then Jon goes on Good Morning America and tells the country he despises- DESPISES Kate, because, I guess, that’s easier than having to say “Mommy and daddy are breaking up” 8 times.

Game over, right? Think again, Kate’s getting a talk show or something. It’s like Ali- Fraizer of who’s the bigger a-hole.

OJ ended relationships in a less-messy way!

So can it be over, please? Forget just making it Kate Plus 8. Let’s just end it before its called “Child Services Plus 8”?
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