Tuesday, June 30, 2009

What Sucks Presents…What Sucked V.1: The Real Gilligan’s Island


Yes, believe it or not this actually WAS a reality show on TV. Someone in some pitch meeting actually said…(acting students who read my blog have my permission to use the following as one of their monologues if they are in a pinch)


“Hey, we should do a reality show where we take ‘Gilligan’s Island’ and make it, you know, real. We’ll have a guy dressed as the skipper, a guy dressed as the Professor. A Maryann and a Ginger. It’ll be great. They’ll dress like the castaways of that show and they’ll compete, kind of like Survivor, but they’ll be dressed as the cast members of the SS Minnow. I know what you’re thinking- we’ll never be able to fill the role of Ginger with someone hot enough- well, don’t worry about it- each season we’ll cast that part- Rachel Hunter will be the first- and we’ll have these people on the show compete with a celebrity who’s on the show for no apparent reason. People won’t care, don’t you understand? This is like Survivor, only the contestants ARE DRESSED LIKE THE CHARACTERS FROM GILLIGAN’S ISLAND!




Why this show was made let alone lasted for two seasons is a mystery akin to who made the pyramids and what is the origin of the universe. I can’t pretend to tell you why they cast the role of Ginger, yet still had her compete with the other nobodies on the show nor can I tell you why this show was made 40 years after the original, Gilligan’s Island was on the air.

Yet again, a reality show where getting eliminated is much better than winning.

"Hey, why are you dressed like Mrs. Howell?"

"Oh, I was on The Real Gilligan's Island and lost so they sent me home."

"So now you don't have to eat bugs and dress like Mrs. Howell? I wouldn't call that a loss."


Most unnecessary show ever?


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Monday, June 29, 2009

What Sucks…The Reaper


I don’t think the reaper even knows who he’s taking these days. He is out of control in every way. This weekend, Billy Mays, just 50 was his latest victim. Honestly, with Mays' death, the reaper isn’t even paying attention to his unofficial rule of 3 anymore. Anyone can be had now at any time.

By the way, if you didn’t think Billy Mays was a great salesman look around your garage or your neighbors, if there’s some shit in there guaranteed to get a scratch out of your car, or some orange cleaning product, (where he says he loves beautiful wood!) he is.

They say everyone’s good at something- he was good at selling shit on TV infomercial style- the best- and he did it WITHOUT beating up hookers.

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What Sucks Presents: Not Getting It: Iranian Clerics, Madoff Lawyers, The Oscars



…Iranian Clerics Demanding Protesters Should Be ‘Savagely Punished’


Dudes, this whole thing is about people in your country trying to peacefully show their dissatisfaction with your fixed election. Coming out publicly and saying that they should be “savagely and ruthlessly punished” for daring to question the election, is KINDA PROVING THEIR POINT!



…Bernie Madoff’s Lawyers Facing 125 Years, Asking for 12

Dudes, your guy is the poster child of greedy, lying douchebags. He ripped off billions of dollars from clients and charities. He admitted guilt and insisted he acted alone partially so he wouldn’t have to sell out anyone who may have been working with and partially to avoid telling the authorities exactly how he did it. He was even allowed to stay in his 5th Avenue Penthouse as he awaited trial, while most other people have to wait for their trial to start behind bars, AND bitched about it a lot. The whole idea of the public being outraged against this dude stems from them feeling he feels he’s being treated unfairly. To ask for 12 years when he’s facing 125 is balls.


…The Oscars Adding 5 Movie Best Film Nominees

Not getting it here on 2 levels – first, as everyone in America has already pointed out, The Oscars are long enough as they are, and secondly, do you really think you can dig up 5 more movies decent enough to be considered for Best Picture? This year alone you’ve already had 2- TWO- movies about mall cops and it’s only July. Let’s face it, you should be eliminating two slots here, not adding five- you gave a Best Picture Oscar to “Crash” recently for Christ sakes.

BLOG NOTE: Some of this stuff was from last week, but the Reaper went fucking crazy and I couldn’t get to it.

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What Sucks…Gay Exorcisms!


BLOG NOTE: Some of this stuff was from last week, but the Reaper went fucking crazy and I couldn’t get to it.

You may have heard a church in Connecticut (Connecticut!) last week held an exorcism to drive “homosexual demons” out of a young kid in their parish and then posted the video on Youtube.

By the way click on their link, unless Jesus is hanging at some trashy Euro-tech club, the church will be performing another exorcism soon on whoever picked out their web-music.

The video has been taken down but I saw it and it was disturbing. At one point the kid’s head spun COMPLETELY around in a circle only to look at the Pastor’s wife and make a snide remark about the shoes she was wearing. The devil can be such a catty bitch.

At the 3:15 mark, the Pastor and his assistant start throwing holy water on the poor kid while yelling “The power of Peter Allen compels you! The power of Peter Allen compels you!” This was awful, and the poor kid writhed in pain before he threw up pea soup, and a fine Chablis (2003).

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Friday, June 26, 2009

What Sucks…The Reaper


The world’s weirdest man is dead.

Put it this way- the guy made a 9-minute music video where natives stalk a lion in the middle of the Sahara dessert and George Wendt drops from the sky, in a Barcalounger because Macaulay Culkin hit a power cord on a guitar the night before and shot him into space- and that doesn’t REMOTELY land on anyone’s radar as something “weird” he’s done. (In extended version he dances and turns into a panther!)

If you took away the fact that he has been accused of child molestation twice, admitted to sharing his bed with young boys in a television interview, shook an infant over a balcony, regularly wore a surgical mask in public to hide a horribly deformed nose, married Lisa Marie Pressley as a publicity stunt, had a pet monkey named “bubbles”, calls Uri Geller a friend, owned llamas, became white, and showed up to court in pajamas…he’d still have to answer for selling out the Beatles catalog to commercials and having the word “Neverland” in his address.

There is not enough time in the world to go over all his weirdness in any detail. There are more stories than there are grains of sand on the beach. Not enough room on all the pages of all the books in the world. He’s like the Jesus of weird dudes.

Here is just a short list of weird shit he’s done. Please feel free to add your own in the comment section.

Owned a petting zoo.
Owned a giraffe.
Constantly wore one, single glove.
Allegedly had sex with kids.
Routinely made 10-minute (or over) music videos, even after the music video as an art form ceased to be relevant.
Collaborated with Eddie Van Halen and Vincent Price on one of his albums, overshadowing that he collaborated with Paul McCartney on same album!
Collaborated with Slash on one of his albums.
Called Tommy Mattola a “racist”.
Made a singular video that starred himself, Chris Tucker, Michael Madsen and Marlon Brando!
Made the world’s longest music video (Ghost- in which he plays a white dude).
Made the world’s most expensive music video (Scream- with his sister).
Co-wrote “We Are The World”
Was on crutches in 2002 because he was “bit by a spider”.
Sang the “I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me” part in that song “Somebody’s Watching Me” by Rockwell.
Was rumored to have slept in a hyperbaric oxygen chamber- turned out it may not have been true but rumor was started by HIM!
Had somewhere between 5-8 nose jobs, at the fourth one he put a cleft into his chin.
Claimed his pet monkey Bubbles shared his toilet and cleaned his room.
Was wished a “happy birthday” by Britney Spears at the 2002 MTV Video Music Awards and interpreted it to be an award for being “Artist of the Millennium” and gave an awkward thank you speech.
Tried to buy the bones of the “Elephant man”- again may not have been true but rumor was started by HIM!
Hair went on fire during the filming of a Pepsi commercial.
Had a Ferris wheel on his estate.
Named himself “The King of Pop”.
Performed in a wheelchair at the Soul Train Awards.
Was proclaimed “King Sani” during a trip to the Ivory Coast and sat on a golden throne to watch a dance recital.
Named all his kids “Michael”- even the girl who is named “Paris Michael”.
Named another kid “Blanket”.
Allegedly made a kid drink “Jesus Juice”, which later turned out to be “wine.”
Released a film with Joe Pesci.

I will now interrupt this list to insert a clip here where Michael Jackson pulls up in a Batman golf cart, holding a giant umbrella and climbs a tree with television journalist Martin Bashir.


Was best friends with Liz Taylor.
Was best friends with Diana Ross.
Was very close to Macaulay Culkin and Corey Feldman.
Took Emmanuelle Lewis with him to an award show and had him sit on his lap. Was at same award show with Brooke Shields.
Did a video directed by Martin Scorsese.
Did a video directed by David Fincher.

RIP Michael. Ashes to ashes, plastic to dust.

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Thursday, June 25, 2009

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

What Sucks…Governor Mark Sanford


We live in the golden age of spectacular gubernatorial sex-scandal flame-outs.

It’s like a competition where each time a governor has a melt-down, it’s like he’s trying to outdo the last governor to have a melt-down. It’s like a high stakes game of poker where cheap, pervy sex are the chips…

“I see you’re ‘I’m gay and in love with the guy I put in charge of homeland security’ and raise you one ‘I’ll spend close to 400K on hookers.’”

“Okay…call.”

“How’s about I leave the state for 5 days to go to Argentina, not tell my wife, not tell my staff, not tell my security where I’m going all to go boink a girl I know.”

“Wow. You wouldn’t even fly her in? Nice.”

Truly, these are salad days for pervy gov’s and their public falls from grace over needing to get laid- male or female. No wonder this guy was turning down the stimulus package, (say it with me) his package was being stimulated the whole time by some woman in South America!

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Tuesday, June 23, 2009

What Sucks...Chris Brown


How does Chris Brown get community service for beating the shit out of Rihanna? I don’t like the message it sends, you mean I could just go up to Lady Gaga and kick his/ her ass, and all I’d have to worry about is picking up trash on a local highway? Did you ever listen to Lady Gaga? I may make that deal.

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What Sucks...The Reaper



The couch in heaven just got a little more full and soon, the liquor cabinet there will be a little more empty, as sadly Ed McMahon passed away today at the age of 86.

Known for being the sidekick to Johnny Carson on the Tonight Show, McMahon also had a little bit of bad-ass in him, serving as a pilot in both WW2 and Korea. I don’t know off hand how many kills he had, but let’s just say I bet there were a bunch of dirty Nazi scum who heard the phrase “Heyo!” just before they got blown up.

Ed McMahon, RIP.

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Monday, June 22, 2009

What Sucks…More To Love: Update


Trailer.

Holy crap, when I first heard and wrote about this show, I thought it was going to be about ‘plus sized’ women trying to get a date. I had no idea they were going for borderline sociopaths who’s need for acceptance would bring them to the brink of a full fledged mental breakdown- and that’s just in the trailer!

By the way the need for this show would be totally negated if any of these women would just meet a black dude! (KIDDING!)

Another by the way- the trailer says they’ll be competing for the “man of their dreams”. Hey chubies- get better dreams! Eastern European mail order brides have better standards than you! You guys obviously don’t compromise when it comes to eating rich foods, why do it with the man you hope to fall in love with?!

More To Love premieres Tuesday July 28th On FOX!

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What Sucks…These Dads!


Hopefully yesterday you gave your dad a big hug and thanked him for all he’s done for you and your family- I sure did (via text message, I’m not very good with the face to face emotional thing).

And while I’m sure as the dads across the nation were showered with ties, and fancy gadgets like electronic screwdrivers and gift certificates to places where they can buy electronic screwdrivers, I certainly hope no one honored these turkeys!



…Kim Il Sung

I know you’re dead and a major douche in your own right, but nevertheless, nice job as a dad, loser. Way to raise a douchebag, insecure son who disgraces you by wearing women’s sunglasses and elevator shoes everywhere he goes and ALSO happens to hold the world hostage by continuing to develop and openly test nukes.


…Desmond Hatchett

If this dude went on a date with Octomom, we’d be China! Desmond Hatchett, for those of you who aren't his son don’t know is the dude in Tennessee who has 21 kids with 11 different moms, and while he’s a champion of exploiting the low-self esteem of the women of Tennessee, and a champ of men’s virility, as far as dads go, he kind of blows.



…Bernie Madoff

Aside from being a scumbag in general, this doucheburger, if we are to believe his sons- and it’s possible they may be telling the truth- pulled off all his fraud without telling them. This forced them to, upon learning of it, turn their dad in (always pleasant) and then open themselves up to years of litigation from the many victims of Madoff who will surely sue them trying to take whatever they can get. This, on top of having to prove that they did not know about their dad’s activities (to stay out of jail) makes for an already shitty dad, getting much shittier.


…John Edwards

This dude is a shitty dad to kids both legitimate and otherwise! Not sure he got a father’s day card this year, but in all fairness, there is no “Thanks for fathering another kid while mom was recovering from the big ‘C’” section at Hallmark.



Or is there?

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Friday, June 19, 2009

What Sucks…PETA



Are you shitting me? You’re REALLY upset Obama killed a fly? Really?

You know PETA, I often stand up for you. People say- “Man, PETA sucks! What dick-faces they are!” And I say, “No, they get hot chicks to think if they get naked, they can save animals lives- they’re cool- imagine if powers like that could be used for good!”

And then you turn around and get all pissy with Obama because he killed a fly. Let me tell you something about flies- they suck. That fly was lucky to be killed by Obama- you understand it was born in shit and made it all the way to the White House? Like Bill Clinton!

What’s next, rallies for the humane treatment of germs?

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Thursday, June 18, 2009

What Sucks Flash Poll…Eastwood Comfortable Lead Over Meg Ryan



Like the citizens of Iran, What Sucks Blog readers are trying to be heard through their vote. What they’re saying is they think that Clint Eastwood has more creases on his body than Meg Ryan- don’t believe me, check out their twitter feeds.

As we head into the final day of voting, Clint Eastwood is pulling away- can Meg Ryan make a run again? Will she fall into third behind Delta Burke? Does anyone know who Ethan Suplee is? Only you can decide!

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What Sucks…Quick Hits: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Twilight, True Blood, Sammy Sosa, NY's Recent Weather


…Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

I may be a little late on this but, hey dickwad, you don’t get to compare the treatment you get in an election to the way Goebbels treated someone when you are someone who denies the Holocaust!


…Twilight & True Blood

I don’t get it, all of a sudden we’re supposed to want to fuck vampires? After you get passed the concept that they’re dead and they’re killers, you still have to deal with the practical issue that engaging in any kind of intimacy with them puts you at extremely high risk for blood related viruses to say the least. What’s next, wanting to fuck sharks?


…Sammy Sosa

I’m sorry, no matter what, every time hear Sammy Sosa’s name I’m gonna smile because I just can’t help but think about that amazing summer in 1998 when he and Mark McGuire battled it out in that exciting, see-saw race! I should mention- I’m a huge fan of contests where people see who can take the most ‘roids!


…NY's Recent Weather

When did this city turn into the bastard love child of London and Seattle?!

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Wednesday, June 17, 2009

What Sucks…Kate From Jon & Kate Plus 8


First a video pops up where Kate’s daughter begs for some water before being told “no” because they just about to shoot. This occurs 15 seconds before Kate pops open a bottle of Poland Spring right in the kids face and takes a swig- you should really watch the link- the kid actually says “you’re so mean, you’re drinking the water right in front of my face” or something like that.

Then this week Kate is caught on camera spanking another one of her kids because she wouldn’t stop blowing a whistle. So I’m ready to call it- Kate is a monster! At least when Jon spanks someone, it’s a stripper and he’s making it rain!

Look, I’m not like one of those people who gets all indignant about spanking kids- we all know how fun it is to see children getting beat- but at this point a badger would come off as a better mom than you! Get your shit together or this show is gonna be called “Child Services Plus 8!” What’s happening next week, you tell the kids that they’re the reason mommy and daddy are breaking up?

Jon and Kate Plus 8 is on The Learning Channel Mondays at 9!

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BLOG NOTE:




I'm not sure but I think that there is something wrong with the blogspot address of this blog- please use the following address when linking and referring-

www.whatsucksblog.com

Thank you, that is all.

UPDATE:Seems to be working now- but www.whatsucksblog.com is the best link for the blog.


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Tuesday, June 16, 2009

What Sucks Flash Poll…Whose Body Has More Creases?



In one of it’s most intense Flash Polls ever, WhatSucksBlog asks readers, of the following people- Ethan Suplee, Delta Burke, Clint Eastwood or Meg Ryan- whose body do they think has the most creases?



Picture them in your mind- picture them naked if you have to and ask yourself who of this group of four, would have the most creases- the most areas of their bodies in which skin lays upon skin to form a line- on their bodies- then vote on them. (In the upper right hand corner.) Remember, one day everyone on this list, except for Clint Eastwood will google themselves, so the importance of this poll cannot be over-stated.

Monday, June 15, 2009

What Sucks…Iranian Tweets: Let’s Tell The Full Story!


Sure the world is awash with concern over what is going on in the streets of Iran today- information and images provided by Twitter after the Iranian government neglected to block the micro-blogging site after successfully blocking Facebook, text messaging and most blogs-

But are they telling the true story of what’s going on in Iran? How do we know?







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What Sucks…Quickvote on CNN.com: Follow Up



Friday is on the left, Monday (today) is on the right. Obviously, the "serious" CNN.Com Quickvote guy/ girl is working today.

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Friday, June 12, 2009

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Chastity Bono’s Sex Change, James von Brunn, Analog TV, George H. W. Bush



…Chastity Bono Becoming A Dude

Chastity Bono has begun the sex-change process. Look, that’s great for her and all but I hope that she’s doing it to honor her true identity and NOT because she’s competitive and wants to get the one new body part her mom doesn’t have!



…88 Year-Olds Who Go On Shooting Rampages!

Come on! You’re 88 years old! Maybe we should be tasing the elderly on sight! What are they putting in Ensure these days? Can we get back to yelling at kids to get off your lawn while wearing a loosely fastened bathrobe? Jesus!



…Stories About The Analog TV Switch That Appear On The Web
Why are you people wasting your breath? There is no way someone with analog TV is on the net, reading a blog? What, are you writing this thing on the off chance they are at a library?



…George Bush (41)

Jumping out of a plane for your 85th birthday? Bullshit! If you really wanted to cheat death, you’d…(say it with me, America)…go hunting with Dick Cheney! That's right- I went there, 3 years after it happened!


What Sucks Bonus…A Quick 'Fuck You' To Sarah Palin!



Hey Sarah Palin, you’re gonna go 3 days on the fake outrage thing because Dave made a joke about your daughter getting knocked up by A-rod? You’re gonna call that a joke about statutory rape? Hey, fuck you!

By the way, anyone within the sound of my blog especially those who lives in the district represented by Brian Kolb in NYS- please remember that he not only thinks Dave should be fired for suggesting that Sarah Palin’s daughter would be knocked up by A-rod, but he went as far to write a letter to Les Moonves suggesting it happen. If you’re cool with a dude like that representing you, by all means vote for him next time around. F him too.

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What Sucks…Quickvote on CNN.com


Looks like the guy or girl who does “Quickvote” on CNN.Com is having some guilt issues regarding whether or not he or she’s a whore.

Hey, Quickvote person- don’t involve us in your personal life! Just because you’re clearly about to marry someone for money doesn’t mean you need to burden all of us with your need for acceptance! Oh, and, gee- I wonder if the person who does the “Quickvote”, is the same person who also blogs for 360?



Hey person who does “Quickvote” on CNN.Com- pull yourself together!

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Thursday, June 11, 2009

What Sucks…Carrie Prejean (Miss California)


Looks like Miss California got shit-canned yesterday by Donald Trump, so let me be the first to part with this little gem, ahem…

“Trump to Miss California: You’re fired!”


Wait, I’m NOT the first to say that. I’m the 1,364th?

Shit, I thought I thought of that all by myself. Nevertheless Carrie Prejean was fired yesterday by Donald Trump. Now, she claims she lost her gig because of her politics but I don’t know, for Donald Trump to come down against a model, she must have done something serious.

Either way, thus ends the suck-reign of Carrie Prejean a chick who’s month long stint in the suck spotlight contained but was not limited to the revelation that her breast implants paid for by the Miss America pageant, a statement in which she referred to gay marriage as “opposite marriage” and a claim that the topless photos she appeared in- which were in violation of her Miss America pageant contract- were topless because she didn’t know the tiny vest she was wearing had opened.

In between we learned that she dated Michael Phelps, appeared in an anti-gay marriage ad, was told to pose for Playboy and was asked to join the cast of the ironically named “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Outta Here”.

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Wednesday, June 10, 2009

What Sucks…Tasering A 72 Year Old Woman!


WARNING: DO NOT WATCH ABOVE VIDEO UNLESS YOU THINK OLD LADIES HAVE IT COMING TO THEM, AND BY “IT” I MEAN 50,000 VOLTS! (DON’T FEEL BAD ABOUT WATCHING, OLD PEOPLE DO HAVE IT COMING TO THEM, I’VE WATCHED THIS 13 TIMES)

I can’t tell if this is horrible or awesome and by that I mean, I feel really bad about how awesome I think this is. Holy crap, this cop tases the shit out of someone’s granny!

I believe the rule is “Don’t Mess With Texas”, not “Don’t Mess With Texas, Unless You’re A 72 Year Old Women”. They will friggin tase you, they do not care. This is a 72 year old great-grandmother! Imagine how fast the cops will tase a minority!

The only negative I can see so far is that we clearly missed an opportunity to change the lame-ass catch phrase “Don’t Tase Me Bro” to…


('cause old people call younger people "sonny")

There are also all sorts of side reports where the cops have absolutely no problem with the fact that they just chased a rabbit through an old lady.

Check out this one here (I can’t imbed for some reason).

And look at this one from ABC News. Incidentally, hey ABC News, do we REALLY have to sit through a Spenda commercial before watching the video of an old woman getting her tased on your site? And does Splenda know they are sponsoring something like that? What does that say about Splenda, except that they probably also do not take shit from old ladies.

Which leads me to the following entry…

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What Sucks…Commercials Before Videos On The Web



Hey a-holes, the reason why we’re watching the net in the first place is because of the shitty shows networks chose to produce and the crappy commercials they charge you to play in between them, suck. Please don’t pollute our last free area to get a laugh.

No one wants to see “your video starts in 15, 14, 13 seconds…”. You want someone to watch your commercials? Here’s an idea, make better commercials. Seriously, I watch the Caveman commercials- I know they represent Geico. I watch the “King” series of commercials for Burger King- I dig that that King thing is so weird. Geico’s whole “Who’s Watching Me” campaign is even better than the Caveman thing- the writing room at the place that does those things must be like a modern day “Your Show Of Shows”.

So please, stop fucking up our shit.

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What Sucks...El Vacio: Don't Sleep With Jessica Larson!

El Vacio: Jessica Larson

Please watch this video, click on it a bunch and take to heart this important Public Service Announcement regarding sleeping with Jessica Larson. If you're not convinced, please read below.


Things Jessie Larson has done for which she is apparently not accountable for:

“…I’m a divorced dad of two so naturally you’re always a little hesitant to bring a girlfriend figure around your kids as divorce is such a sensitive topic. Jessica assured me that everything would be all right so we planned to spend an afternoon together, with my kids at Schultz Park on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. It turned out to be a horrible decision by me as Jessica proceeded to demonstrably hit on not only my son who is 9, but my daughter who is 8, as well. I finally had to ask her to leave when she attempted to get the face-painter in the park to draw “a dick” on my son’s forehead and reacted violently when he refused. She should not be dated by anyone who values family.” -Albert Lanier, NYC


“…I woke up from a night with Jessica Larson to find her frantically searching the desktop of my computer for any passwords she could get her hands on so she could get into my bank accounts. When I asked what she was doing, she demanded I tell her my childhood pet’s name and the birthday of my mother. I refused and then she told me I was now infected with Chlamydia. At the time I already had Chlamydia so I wasn’t that concerned but she told me that my Chlamydia now had Chlamydia. Sure enough, later that day I went to the doctor’s office and he told me she was right. She had given my Chlamydia, Chlamydia. I think we made a medical journal.”
-Neil Brackman, Boulder, CO.


“Jessica Larson worked for me from September 2006 to February 2007. As an employee she was excellent. I work at a pen dealership- high end pens- and she sold more pens than anyone I ever employed. She set up international accounts and in 3 short months we had improved our sales by an astounding 250 percent. In early January she suggested we go out to celebrate yet another new account- this time with the republic of Burma. After a few glasses of wine, she began dating our waiter. In the course of 2 hours I watched her stab him twice and alienate him from his sister to the point where I don’t think now they are even good. Leaving the restaurant, she had somehow talked me into moving in with her. The next morning, after a torrid night of love making, she was gone and I had was doctors are calling now, a ‘double UTI’.”
-Michelle Galt, CEO Penpoint Int., Montgomery Alabama

“On November 9th, 2008 Jessica Larson killed my partner John Drennings by locking him in my patrol car and submerging it in an Olympic sized swimming pool.”
-Capt. Luis Rivera, Nevada State Trooper, Carson City, Nevada.

“I lived with Jessica Larson for 12 years, 11 of which she was “out of town on business”. In the final year that we were together she told me that she never really had a job- other than a brief time when she was an international pen saleswoman- which in retrospect I assume is another lie, and wasn’t really out of town at all, she was just spending every night out with other men. Every night of 11 years. That’s over 4000 nights out. Some kind of warning system should be put in place so that people do not sleep with this woman. I applaud the efforts of these courageous men.”
-Joel Youngblood, Milwaukee, WI.

(translated from it’s native Korean)
“I first met Jessie Larson when she was interning at the US Embassy in Seoul. She told me she was “dying” for Korean barbeque. When I offered to take her, she was elated. That night we went to the best Korean barbeque place I knew but Jessie seemed very sad. I asked her what was wrong and she began crying, telling me that I had promised to take her to Korean barbeque and why were we at this place, she was not even hungry. I of course told her we WERE at a Korean barbeque at which time she asked “really?” and then proceeded to go to each man in the restaurant and give them a ‘minishqu’ (Korean slang for hand job). I was mortified. The police were called and she was removed from the country. A few months later I received a letter from her and when I opened it a powder fell out of it and in the envelope was a note that said ‘I hope your crabs like crabs.’ I quickly threw the letter away, but yes, she compounded my situation.”
-Jin Soo-Pei, Customs Agent, South Korea.

This is El Vacio on Atom.com.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Poisonous Spiders & Snakes, Rolling Stone, The Film “Ghost”, The Tony Awards



…Poisonous Spiders & Snakes

Way to drop the ball, a-holes. For 2 weeks you had a clear shot to take out Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt and the best you could do is get Heidi to suffer from some kind of weird ulcer? Is doucheiness an insect repellant too? We may never have such a clear chance to take those two out again. I’m especially disappointed in spiders, they're even calling them “Speidi”, now. Have a little pride.



…Rolling Stone

Oh, Adam Lambert is gay? Way to break the news the rest of us figured out the milli-second he inserted a falsetto scat into a Johnny Cash song. Also, nice touch on your cover with the green snake crawling up his leg, on its way to his “Gokey”. We get it, we got it at the top of the photo when we saw the eyeliner.



…Ghost

Why doesn’t this movie take more shit for insinuating a lesbian scene between a in her prime Demi Moore and WHOOPI GOLDBERG! What a waste! This set the lesbian chic movement back a good 10 years! What happened in the 80's and early 90's with the way women were filmed in movies! Do you realize that they tried to make Penelope Ann Miller a sex symbol?!



…The Tony’s

You had Brett Michaels in your sites but you blew it! You’re worse than poisonous spiders and snakes! Now our best bet is syphilis and do you know how long that can take?

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What Sucks...People Who When They Ask You To Judge Something On A Scale From 1-10, Feel They Need To Say “Ten Being The Highest”


I’ve been around on this earth for, you know, close to 30 years now, ahem, and I have judged a lot of shit on a scale of 1-10 and NEVER have I once given a “1” to the thing I thought was the best. Can we stop saying this?

Ten is always the highest- it’s literally higher than 1, so let’s cut the bullshit.

I know that often when something is the best, it’s referred to as being #1, but you know what, more often than not the context will make it clear when that is happening. When you say USC, for example is #1 in college football, no one is asking themselves- “Wait, are they “#1” on a scale of 1 to 10? Is ten the highest?” It is understood we’re not functioning within the “scale of 1 to 10” matrix. Furthermore, if you THINK they are talking about being a “1” on a scale of 1-10 when they refer to USC in the context of college football ranking, there is a good chance you might be an a-hole.

Now I’ll be honest, they told me not to publish this post. They said if I did, I’d be inviting a world of shit. But I’ll tell you this- with these a-holes making us qualify our scale of 1-10 judging lists, we’re already in a world of shit.

The movie “10”, starring Bo Derek and Dudley Moore was not called “1*”, it was not called “10 (On A Scale of 1-10, 10 being the highest).” So get it right America! And by America, I mean Mississippi!

Monday, June 08, 2009

What Sucks…David Carradine’s Family


Look, I understand how awkward it is to have someone you care about die in the process of autoerotic asphyxiation, but demanding an autopsy is not helping the situation.

I know you don’t want to believe that your father died in this most awkward way, but in order to perform this autopsy, a medical examiner will have to cut through a strap hanging around the subject’s neck AND ballsack.

What I’m saying is, the cause of death is not exactly gonna be poisoning- unless said leather strap around said neck and said ballsack was treated with a highly toxic tanning agent. And by saying this, I’m pretty much giving you the best case scenario.

On the other side, let this entire process be a teachable moment for any (many) of my readers currently practicing autoerotic asphyxiation- look at the pain and expense you can cause your family. Some reports project that somewhere between 500 and 1000 people die from this every year. That makes for 500 to 1000 REALLY awkward wakes and funerals. Please, if you’re reading now with a strap around your neck and “willie” in hand, consider orgasming the conventional way- from what I understand, it’s not that bad!

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What Sucks…These Songs For A Spinning Class Play List!


This is just a TERRIBLE set of songs for a spinning class. Where’s the beat- where are the songs you build momentum to?

And seriously, ending with the theme to Magilla Gorilla? What is that?

“A Long December” by Counting Crows 4:58
“Love Touch” by Rod Stewart 4:03
“Alice’s Restaurant” by Arlo Guthrie 18:34
“The Theme From ‘Alice’” by Linda Lavin 1:01
Arthur’s Theme (Best That You Can Do)” by Christopher Cross 3:52
“Somebody’s Watching Me” by Rockwell 3:36
“I’m So Tired” by The Beatles 2:03
“Mac The Knife” by Bobby Darin 3:35
“Light On” by David Cook 3:46
“The Theme To ‘Magilla Gorilla’” 1:06