Thursday, April 30, 2009

Mocap: Getting Some Love



TIVO, DVR or watch Mocap tonight, at Midnight on Spike- check out the sweet piece we had on the great blog Underwire (Wired's blog).

Come on folks- watch this thing- I'm too old to apply for grad school!

Mocap LLC EPISODE 2: Tonight



Check out Mocap, LLC on Spike Tonight at Midnight!

Here's a special sneak peek!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

What Sucks…The Yankees


Big announcement yesterday in Yankee-land, the Bombers cut some ticket prices from $2500 to $1250. So, you know, ah…problem solved for everyone.

You know, call me a front-runner and all, but I’m beginning to think the new Yankee Stadium sucks. The best thing about the old Yankee Stadium was that, where you were sitting for the most part, you could yell that Kevin Youkilis was the type of individual who would climb over his brother to “fuck” his mother, and not only would the people sitting around you nod in agreement, you had a relatively decent shot of him hearing you.

What I mean is, you and fans like you were close to the field and close to the action. The way it is set up now is, if you get anywhere near the field level, you are either going to be followed around by a security guard like he’s Korean and you’re a black dude in a deli circa 1994, or you’re sitting godfather to the son of a Prince from the Saudi Royal family.

I went to the Stadium for opening day and when I looked down to the field level, seats along the first and third base line, did I see die-hard Yankee fans cursing out the Indians? No. I saw empty Yankee seats and the people I did see there were asking each other if they had Grey Poupon. I mean these people make more money than Mark Teixeira. And I'm not just worried about the pricing out of the average fan, I heard the other day the Yankees had to start Melky Cabrera because Bret Gardner couldn't afford to get into the stadium.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

What Sucks...Mocap, LLC


This is just one of the great games we're designing over at MoCap, LLC. In addition to being a kick-ass motion capture studio, we're also working on some titles of our own. This one will probably start a stampede at some poor Game-Spot joint.

Mocap, LLC Thursdays At Midnight on SPIKE!

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Low Flying Plane Photo-Ops, Mexico, Susan Boyle, The Presidency



…Flying a Plane Low Over Ground Zero For A Photo-Op

I guess this makes sense for a photo-op, if you’re designing a pamphlet for Al Qaeda. Oh wait, it was sent by our own government? Really? The Director of the White House Military Office? Before I get mad, is he 8 years old? Do we normally have young children in that position? I ask because I wonder- was he born in 2002? No? Great, what an a-hole. Oh, it was Air Force 1? Great, that made everyone feel better- terrorists have taken over AIR FORCE 1, and are headed to New York. Awesome.


…Mexico

Brutal kidnappings, shoot-outs in broad daylight, the people who vacation in Cancun and now Swine-flu? It’s shocking that there are still 90 million people still living there.


…Susan Boyle

Enough about her make-over already! Drab to fab? Let me let you in on a little secret-she’s still drab!



…The Job of the Presidency

I’ve had shitty jobs, but I can’t remember the last time in my first 100 days on a gig had me dealing with an economic meltdown, Pakistan being ceded to religious wackos, the environment circling the drain, pirates (!) and swine-flu. Plus this dude has to take long plane rides with Joe Biden!

Monday, April 27, 2009

What Sucks...MoCap, LLC: The Second Episode!



Come on folks- let's get the word out so that they'll show the 3rd episode of this amazingly brilliant sitcom that Albert Choe called "Genius writing- a spot on satire of Video Game and society in general."

Who's Albert Choe? A dude I went to college with, he liked the show.

Follow us on Twitter! https://twitter.com/MocapLLC

What Sucks Presents...If Bad Guys Tweeted!

What Sucks…The Cougar


Is TV Land baiting me? Don’t they know I have a sitcom to promote?

Let me get this straight- 20 young dudes competing for the chance to bump uglies with an old lady? AND MY SHOW CAN’T GET PROMOTION? I’M MAKING POLITICAL COMMENTARY ON AFRICAN CIVIL WAR IN THE MIDST OF BEAUTIFUL JOKES ABOUT FARTS AND ASIAN MASSAGE PARLORS!

Back to the Cougar post…

Don’t these dudes know that there are other horrible reality shows to be on, ones where the “prize” is not sex with a mom of 4? What happens when they are eliminated? Do they breathe a sigh of relief? Put this show in the odd paradigm of reality shows where it’s better for you to be kicked off, than to win- like that one about the Pussycat Dolls and the other one where you are asked to leave and don’t have to fuck Flavor Flav.

Seriously, it’s like “Tonight you will be leaving the house- WITHOUT sleeping with this old lady.” Really? Oh, ah, darn? I bet you can sell this show in Europe as a TV version of "Hostel".

And what the hell happened to TV Land? This is a place where you used to be able to tune in and watch an episode of Rosanne. Now they want you to fuck Rosanne..

Debasement all around. And this is just plain the most disgusting thing I’ve seen



The Cougar is on Wednesdays at Ten!

Mocap, LLC is on Thursdays at Midnight!

What Sucks...The Reaper


Well, the reaper is slowly making his way through the cast of The Golden Girls, this weekend taking the brilliant Bea Arthur at the age of 86. Miss Arthur will be remembered for starring in two landmark TV sitcoms as well as doing a song and dance in the ill-conceived Star Wars Christmas special. She managed to make a huge mark in comedy throughout the 70’s, 80’s, and into the 90’s as well. Then, a few years ago, crushed at the Pam Anderson Roast on CC.

To quote from the great Wire, Bea Arthur, was called, served and is counted!

RIP, Dorothy.

Friday, April 24, 2009

What Sucks...Mocap, LLC! Thanks For Watching...



For all those who watched or DVR'd the show- I can't tell you how much I appreciate it and for all those who didn't...

We're online FULL EPISODE style at http://www.spike.com/full-episode/sneak-peek-mocap/31540


Please check us out- I'll embed as soon as I can!

Also thanks to TruTV's Dumb As A Blog for this nice write up!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

What Sucks...Mocap Sneak Peek!



Yeah, the show has a fat dude in a tight blue suit, but what other show does jokes about the child soldiers of African Civil War?

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Mocap: One Day Away



Behold the super-tease!

If you don't watch this show, I don't know how you'll live with yourself!

Catch the fever!

It takes balls to wear the blue suit!

TOMORROW AT MIDNIGHT! SPIKE!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

What Sucks...A New Mocap, LLC Promo!



Behold! And follow us on twitter for the love of all things holy!

http://twitter.com/MocapLLC


Mocap, LLC hits the air in 2 days! 2 days!

Mocap, LLC is on Spike on Thursday, April 23rd at MIDNIGHT!

Join us if you're in NY for a live watching at "Irish Times" 31st and 8th right by MSG! Meet the cast before they become so famous they'd never talk to you!

Mocap- on Maxim.com today!

What Sucks…Baby Corn


Look, I know we’re supposed to pretend like we’re into baby corn because of that scene in “Big” where Tom Hanks eats a baby corn like it’s a regular corn- you know, the scene that’s a little before the rape scene that no one likes to talk about in that movie?

Anyway, I’m not buying it. Baby corn sucks. It’s annoying, bland, difficult to eat like it’s regular corn and it’s presence is extremely hypocritical.

In this country we throw a shit fit about veal or lobster but when a 2 week old corn is taken from the screaming arms of it’s mother and forced to “work it” in the seedy underground of Thai and Chinese stir fries, we don’t say shit?

F that. And F baby corn. Stick to “adult corn” and by that I mean “regular corn” and not the horrible fringe porn fetish, you pervs.

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Kim Kardashian, American Idol, Slumdog Dad, Prince Fielder



…Kim Kardashian

You know, I’m constantly being updated on “the latest” from this girl and it’s never for anything exceptional. She has a reality show- it sucks. A sex tape- it sucks. Now, she apparently fell asleep while trying to get a suntan. Great, thanks for the news update. She sucks at trying to get a tan- got it. Let me know if she accidentally poops herself- I’ll be waiting!



…American Idol

Three Bryan Adams songs heading into disco night? Nice work, douches. Idol normally blows, but this year it seems they are blowing with a vengeance. Each show goes over time wise, Simon is only allowed to make every OTHER contestant feel bad because the show needs to have Ryan Seacrest walk down 200 stairs before it begins and does anyone like Kara? Sam Alito does more for me as a judge.



…The Dad Of The Little Girl From Slum-dog Millionaire

First India passes us in math and science, and now it’s passing us in shitty ways to treat child stars! Damn, India is tough- say what you will for the US but we never tried to sell any of the Coreys!



…Prince Fielder

Two big numbers for this guy this year: 61, as in how many homers he may hit, and what his pants size will be. If this guy has as many RBI's as he does triglycerides the Brew Crew will win it all!

Monday, April 20, 2009

Watch Mocap, LLC!



For the love of all things holy- please DVR or watch the hilarious new sitcom, Mocap, LLC on Spike Thursday Night, April 23rd At Midnight! And every Thursday after that by the way for all 6 episodes!

The first ever TV sitcom to take place in the world of video games! (I think.)

Anyway, watch it! What do I ask you folk to do other than click on stuff and watch things from time to time! (Don't answer that!)

What Sucks…NY Tabloid Headline Writers



The Yankees get beat 22-4 Saturday, and the guy who pitched is a dude who is 0-3 with a 34 ERA (that’s not good, female readers of the blog) AND his name is Wang (pronounced WONG), and the best Post and Daily News headline writers can do is the above and below?



How bad is the weekend headline writing team? Where’s the “Yankees’ Wang Not Functioning Properly” headline?

Or “Something Wrong With Yankee’s Wang”?

Or “Yanks: Doctors To Examine Wang”?

Or even “Wang To Be ‘Yanked’ Out Of Rotation”?

Or even, even “Indians Pounce on Yank’s Wang”!

What a let down- “You Stink!”? That’s what we get? What is this, boringville? Does this city now sleep? YOU stink, weekend headline writers. Clearly the Yankee’s Wang is a Cause for Concern, but would I know it from reading your newspapers? No. No wonder newspapers are failing! Where do people go if they want to reflect on the Yanks’ Wang’s Troubling Performance? Or the fact that Cleveland Beats Wang All Day At Stadium?

Get it together, New York headline writers – before the Yanks Breathe Sigh Of Relief As Wang Looks Good.

What Sucks…Tea Party People


Way to make a statement against the policies of our 44th President- by going out to demonstrate and having the name of your movement share a term with another “movement”, one that specifically deals with dipping of balls into mouths. Seriously, all you had to do was google the term, or talk to a 14 year old who after they stopped laughing would have told you to avoid the term.

Let me get you started on your next rallying cry: I can’t stand these Mexicans who don’t bathe showing up in this country and taking our jobs! That’s right, let’s do something about these Dirty Sanchez’s ruining our country!

You know what- I’m even more upset about jazz musicians who don’t maintain their instruments correctly- join me in town square as we speak out against Rusty Trombones!

And people of Cleveland- rise up! You don’t have to take it anymore! Do something about the quality of clams in your city! Get behind good Cleveland Steamers for everyone!

And how many times has a Donkey been punched…

What Sucks…Florida International University (re: Isiah Thomas)


BLOG NOTE: Sorry, have to catch up on a few things from last week- hey give me a break, I'm promoting a damned sitcom! (MOCAP, LLC DEBUTS ON SPIKE THURSDAY NIGHT AT MIDNIGHT!) That being said...

Hiring Isiah Thomas
? Are you shitting me? Are you out of your fucking minds? What is this, one of those “The Producers” things, where you can make more by producing a bomb than by producing something good? Is Nathan Lane the AD of Florida International? How the fuck do you hire Isiah Thomas to do anything- this sounds like there’s some serious Brewster’s Millions shit going on here.

Who is he replacing, OJ? How bad does THAT guy (the previous coach) feel? Is he like “Well, only if I fucked up more.” Is he sitting with his head in his hands saying “Well, I could have sexually harassed more…”

Really, how bad was the last coach, that apparently someone could say, “I hear Isiah is available.” I do not get this.

Also, does Florida International have access to newspapers? Google? Do the people who work there, like, know anyone? There was no one they could have run this idea by- a wife, an old college buddy, a barber- that could have told them, you know, you’re making a horrible mistake?

Who the fuck goes to Florida International University? What their big major there, fucking up basketball teams?

The Times reported that the faculty of Florida International was angered by the hiring of Isiah. Yeah, I guess their basketball fans.

Friday, April 17, 2009

What Sucks...Mocap, LLC Our New Promo!



Mocap, LLC is coming to Spike on April 23rd, At MIDNIGHT.

Watch it, Tivo it, DVR it- do something I can't go back to my job as a fluffer on the set of According to Jim (Jim Belushi demands there be one!)

Follow us on Twitter...

http://twitter.com/MocapLLC

Program us into your DVR!



Be able to say one day "Mocap? I remember when that guy just had a shitty blog!"

Thursday, April 16, 2009

What Sucks...El Vacio: Crazy Freddy's Money Store

El Vacio: Crazy Freddy

A crazy man wins a powerball lotto and then opens up a store that sells money in bulk at huge discount prices. It all takes place at Atom.com.

Here's his loan application:





He kinda got frustrated at the end there.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

What Sucks…This Whole Susan Boyle Thing


So, we’re all gonna sit back and pretend that this little video that everyone’s posting to their Facebook feed is just a heart warming tale of an underdog triumphing over the odds and ignore the fact that a woman walked out in front of an entire arena of judgmental “C” words and douchebags?

Here’s the headline that should be running:



If people didn’t suck so bad, this woman would have walked out, NOT been dismissively greeted, sung and then been praised for the quality of her singing voice directly- and not via 3 “judges” telling her how surprised they are that she didn’t have poop come out of her mouth.

So yeah, feel good about your video, douchenuts your suckiness made it happen!

What Sucks...Mocap, LLC ONE WEEK AWAY



Please set your TIVO's or DVR's to watch Mocap, LLC on Thursday Night, April 23rd at MIDNIGHT!

And if you know anyone with a Nielson Box- please have them watch it!

FOLLOW US ON TWITTER: Mocapllc

http://twitter.com/MocapLLC

PLEASE CUT AND PASTE THIS LINK INTO YOUR BROWSER TO FOLLOW US- MY DOMAIN IS SCREWED UP AND DOESN'T BRING THE LINK UP

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

What Sucks...Christian Finnegan's 'Au Contraire!'


What is today, plug day? Perhaps...

Either way, buy my friend and talented comedian Christian Finnegan's brand new DVD "Au Contraire!"

You know him from Countdown with Keith Olbermann and of course from Best Week Ever, he's a funny freakin' dude and his blog is ChristianFinnegan.com

Coming up next for What Sucks on plug day...The Snuggie!

What Sucks...Hoboken Afternoon Drinker Alert! Hoboken Happy Hour!


If you're like me, and love to drink then you know drinking in the afternoon, where it is publicly acceptable, is REALLY a special treat. Sure you can walk down the block with a can of beer, but the looks you get from children, the ones who are not themselves drinking (we live in Hoboken) can break your heart.

Well, guess what- Hoboken legend and friend of What Sucks, Tiffany Shenman is holding one of her off the charts, kick-friggin'-ass Hoboken Happy Hours this Saturday April 18th and my fellow Hobokenites, if you're looking for some place to booze- friggin hit that shit up!

Normally I wouldn't plug an event like this if it didn't involve me- I'm very shallow and self absorbed- but I think this may be one of the last Hoboken Happy Hours for a while and those guys have been cool to me so I wanted to get the word out.

Tiff said they'll be raffles where you can win valuable prizes and of course, sweet, sweet booze. I told her "you had me at the booze!"

Also, as you know Tiffany is a VIP in a large network of hot chicks, so if you're a dude who likes to drink in the afternoon and wants to do so around hot chicks- while ALSO possibly winning prizes? Then this is the event for you. (Same goes if you're a lesbian!)

This one takes place at The Melting Pot- which is 100 Frank Sinatra Drive (right by the pier) and starts at 2.

Come on out!

Monday, April 13, 2009

What Sucks…The Reaper


Is the reaper on a scavenger hunt today? WTF?

…I need a legendary baseball announcer, an icon of porn and a guy, nicknamed after the venerable Big Bird who used to talk to the ball before he threw it….

Apparently on a whirlwind tour of baseball, the reaper today also took from us the 1976 Rookie of the year, Mark “The Bird” Fidrych. The Bird burst onto the scene in ’76 and was the walking embodiment of 70’s baseball. He started the 1976 All Star game, won 19 games that year and then the next season, after a knee injury forced him to alter his pitching motion, blew out his shoulder.

He struggled for a few years to get back into the big leagues and although he made it back briefly in the early 80’s he wasn’t the pitcher he had been, so...all he did was go back to his home town, work his farm, drive a commercial truck for a living and raise his family. His wife’s family owned a diner and every Saturday he’d be there, waiting tables laughing it up with the customers.

We could probably use more baseball players like this guy and less, how do I put it, douchebags who kiss themselves in mirrors but this post is about honoring the Bird and not pooping on A-rod so...

Good night, Bird. F you, reaper.

What Sucks...The Reaper


The reaper had a strange shopping list today, but now it’s clear why he took Harry Kalas- he wanted him to do the play by play when he “took” Marilyn Chambers.

Death, an underrated perv.

And while this news may be “hard to swallow”, I do not look upon it like it is one large death, but rather many “little deaths”, and if the passing of Marilyn Chambers causes people to remember her fondly, then that my friends is a fitting “climax”.

Marilyn Chambers, let's hope she's spending tonight, behind the pearly gates.

What Sucks…The Reaper


When the reaper went out today, he went out looking for a great one, and he found him when he took Harry Kalas, he of “Michael…Jack…Schmidt” and “outta here!” fame and the voice for the Philadelphia Phillies for close to 40 years.

That’s him on the right.

I don’t pretend to understand the Philadelphia sports fan, Phillies’ especially, but today I know their hearts hang heavy- and mine does along with them.

Harry Kalas, RIP.

Friday, April 10, 2009

What Sucks...Mocap, LLC: The Animated Open



Here's the opening to my new show- it was done by Mark Salisbury- who's friggin' awesome.

And here's the bad-ass cast in one of those "hey, we're in a sitcom!" type poses.



Behold the awesomeness.

Mocap, LLC is on Thursday night, April 23rd at MIDNIGHT on SPIKE!

Become a fan on Facebook.

What Sucks…El Vacio: Stacy’s Sexy Shower Cam

El Vacio: Stacey's Sexy Shower Cam

BLOG NOTE: The following may be the most disturbing video you ever see on the net. This should be a warning to all those who use the internet to see “nakedness” and not what it was invented for, encyclopedic research and to post pictures of cats.




The following is a transcript of the short lived triple x web site, Stacy’s Sexy Shower Cam between proprietors Scott Randolph and Robert Hermes.

April 10th, 2009
8:00 AM. Morning.



Scott: Welcome everyone to Stacy’s Sexy Shower Cam and a big thank you to Atom.com for agreeing to put this on their site- OMG! I can’t imagine the insane amount of hits we’re gonna get because of this!

Robert: Yeah. Look man- I am not sure this is a good idea at all, this thing hasn’t been tested enough we don’t even know if Stacy keeps a steady schedule and God forbid something goes wrong here in front of all these people…

Scott: Stop being such a naysayer! Stacy is hot and we’re gonna be getting like a thousand people to sign up for this service- I’m telling you! It’s the morning, she’ll be stepping into the shower any minute now..

Robert: I don’t know, man…

Scott: The door is opening…here she comes! I think we really got it this time! I can’t wait to see some skin, woooo!




Robert: That’s a guy- kill the transmission! It’s a guy! Kill it! Her brother stayed over! Oh god!

Scott: Okay, having a problem killing the transmission…sorry everyone…won’t be too much longer.

THERE IS 2 MINUTES OF SILENCE

Scott: Looks like he’s done shitting.

Robert: This is a disaster.

April 10th, 2009
9:06 AM. Morning.

Scott: Annnndddddd…he’s gone. Okay, I guess we just wait. Stacy’s probably gonna be getting ready for her day…the door is opening..

Robert: It’s a guy- AGAIN! Same guy! Yeah, I think he’s sick. Did you even install this camera in the right apartment?

Scott: Of course I did!

Robert: Oh this is terrible!

THERE IS 2 MINUTES OF SILENCE

Scott: If you’re just joining us this is Stacy’s brother or something and I think he’s sick or something really bad. He’s, ah, going to the bathroom. Again.



Robert: We’re never gonna get anyone to sign up for this website. We’re gonna fail at porn.

April 10th, 2009
10:36 AM. Morning.

Robert: Door’s opening. Shit.

Scott: Ah…whoa! Finally- there’s Stacy and she is HOT! Whoa, ah, yeah…she’s opening the cabinet! Reaching for some body lotion! Yes! She’s taking off her sweater! Oh boy, here comes the undershirt! Wow, what luscious skin, what a gorgeous body, what a…



Robert: This is sad. I mean maybe we can re-market this thing to guys who like to watch heavy-set guys destroy a bathroom or something. I don’t even know if a Stacy lives here. This is terrible.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

What Sucks…Pirates


Did I hit my head or did I wake up today to read that our Navy is battling Pirates this morning on the open seas and that they- the pirates- have captured the captain of a ship?

Is, like, the Navy, you know, trained for something like this? I mean…I hope they are looking out for cannon balls or, ah, I don’t know monitoring what flags are being raised? They know that it’s hard to sneak up on them because pirates often see things from a “crow’s nest”, right?

Is the captive, you know safe from, I don’t know- walking the plank? I understand the pirates that this point may be on a small life raft that has run out of gas, if so I am greatly relieved because that means their captive will likely not be “keelhauled”.

Folks, I guess what I’m saying is that we can do better than this. We can do better than live in a world with friggin’ pirates. Can’t we? No? Bummer.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Michelle Obama, Ohio, Utah, Barack Obama


…Michelle Obama

Enough with the love-fest. world. You're going on and on about her like a teenage girl. She’s married! Yeah, I get that the last two First Ladies were either animatronic robots with lifeless eyes, or serial erection killers in pant suits. Yeah, she wears J. Crew, but keep it in your pants, you’re coming off way un-cool and desperation is an awful cologne.



…Ohio

Interesting tidbit about Ohio in case you’re on the fence as to whether or not it sucks- the best it gets city-wise there? Cleveland. The best it gets.



…Utah

They don’t even HAVE a Cleveland.



...Obama

Hiring Kumar? Really? You know you can’t just make ANY change, right? You checking to see if we’re paying attention? How bad is the “White House Office of Public Liaison” that the President thinks it will benefit from the hiring of a dude who’s best known for “F-ing” a giant bag of pot on film.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

What Sucks…Mocap, LLC: How It All Started!



So the pound for pound, dollar for dollar funniest show in the world, Mocap, LLC is coming out on Spike Thursday Night, April 23rd at Midnight. It was written and created by me. Here’s how all the madness started – for the first time ever- WHAT SUCKS EXCLUSIVE! JPEGS of the pages of the pilot episode of our web-series!

Seriously, if you’re bored, take a read- like if you’re on the crapper and for some reason have brought a laptop in with you read away!

As always, click the image to enlarge!

And if you’re on Facebook, please become a fan of our show page MOCAP LLC .

As we get closer to the date that the show goes up I will be posting more and more stuff about it, so sorry in advance but at the same time- JEEZUS PLEASE WATCH AND THEN TELL YOUR FRIENDS TO WATCH!!









Here's the episode-