Tuesday, March 31, 2009

What Sucks...El Vacio: Epic Chess

El Vacio: Epic Chess

Check out El Vacio's latest vid on Atom.com.

Then check out the upcoming graphic novel Chess Avengers! (below, click to enlarge)

What Sucks…Madonna



So, every two years Madonna is allowed to go to African and just take a kid? WTF? She can’t be stopped? She’s like the friggin’ boogey man, except I’m not sure the boogey man has had as many sexual partners. Someone talk to her! No? Okay I will- hey Madonna! You just can’t pick a kid up and take them back to your home- this is not the locker room of the 1996 Detroit Pistons! These kids live in Africa- have enough problems trying to avoid disease!

I know you think that being with you is "the place to be", but that only goes for bacteria!

Monday, March 30, 2009

What Sucks…Major Blog Announcement: I Have A Sitcom!


Hello faithful readers (about 9 to 12 of you), and people who stop by because they have googled the term “fluffer” (other 554 page views), as my blog is like the 2nd or 3rd thing that comes up- (pervs!). Big announcement time! Ready? Here goes-

I have a sitcom!

No shit. I’m totally serious and very psyched. Crazy, huh? Here’s the story- short version-

Long time blog readers (my brothers, the people I owe money to) will remember that a short time ago, I created, wrote and starred in a webseries called “Mocap, LLC”, which was a fake-documentary that followed the day to day goings on at a low-rent motion capture company.

Well, the series was (I’m happy to say) greeted very warmly and had some nice things said about it- (LA Times called it “one of their favorite webseries.”) and in the beginning of the year, the idea was sold to Spike.

Filming began at the end of last summer and now, on April 23rd, at Midnight- the dream will be realized and Mocap, LLC in all its glory, will hit the air.

The show is everything you could want in a TV show- I am proud to say it is tasteless, asinine, obnoxious and FREAKING FUNNY. Please watch- and please embed our promo (above) into your blogs and tell your friends to embed it into theirs as well.

I will be offering updates and clips and inside info here all the frigging time- but I obviously need the word to be spread. The show is the first sitcom set in the world of video games, but more than that- it’s a flat out comedy show that I know you’ll dig.

In a nutshell, the show is The Office, meets Tron. If you like funny TV shows, you’ll love this thing because we’ve stolen the best stuff from all your favorite TV shows and threw it into this one.

It stars me, as Frank Claxton- a horrible human being in every way. Also starring is the gifted Jonathan Gabrus (you’ll remember him from Brohemian Rhapsody and about a zillion other things on College Humor, very funny up and coming NY comic Kara Klenk and the super hot Lauren Turek as “the hot intern”.

It’s my pleasure to announce this to all you guys and I hope you’ll watch, TIVO, DVR, start a letter writing campaign to stop it from being canceled (preemptively!) and help me do whatever it takes to have this show make me a “non-disgrace” in the eyes of my parents!

What Sucks...Major Blog Announcement Coming Tonight At 5PM!



Oooooh. I bet you're all just chomping at the bit to find out what the big announcement is...

Keep coming back...

Friday, March 27, 2009

What Sucks…Quick Hits: The New Facebook, The Economy, iTunes 8.1, Final Fantasy XIII


…The New Facebook

Hey, I took the “which Facebook quiz makes you an annoying jag-off” quiz and the answer was “All of them”. And by the way, if I wanted to know what 5 movies changed your life, I would have a closer relationship to you than a social networking site!



…The Economy

Sheesh. I don’t want to say things are rough right now but I went to an ATM the other day and when I went to get my money, a resume came out. From a machine, Ben at Unleashed- can you believe that shit?



…The Newest Version of iTunes

Hey iTunes, did you really have to come out with a new edition because you decided to change the words “party shuffle” to “DJ”? Seriously, I’ve been scouring this thing, what else is different? What will spring iTunes 8.2? A change of the term “easy listening” to “lame-ass music”?



…The Final Fantasy Video Game Series

Final Fantasy? Have we hit FOURTEEN yet? Here’s an idea, maybe just call these games ONGOING fantasy.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

What Sucks…Hardee’s Marketing Department: Perv Watch V.24!


Hey pervs at Hardee’s, nice ad campaign using Padma Lakshmi to sell burgers, what’s the promotion you guys are running exactly, first 30 dudes in the store with wood get a free medium fries?

The tag line at the end of the commercial by the way (if you made it that far without climaxing) is “More than just a piece of meat.” What the fuck happened at this pitch meeting? You think someone’s job was on the line? Holy shit. Now, I all know about advertising is what I’ve been able to glean from Mad Men, but I’m kind of thinking that the “client” came into the pitch and said, “Fellas, I’m not leaving here till I’m wowed, and by ‘wowed’, I mean fully hard.”

Did someone say, “yeah, I like the thing about the ingredients and how good the burger tastes, but can you sex it up a little? And by ‘sex it up a little’, I mean when you’re on the set, toss a camera to someone who hangs with Lil Wayne and let them shoot a little.”

What’s up with trying to sell burgers like this? I know Carl’s Jr. (owned by the same company by the way) not too long ago did their ad with Paris Hilton, but that one totally made sense because, wasn’t it a penicillin burger they were selling? (Not sure, I live on the east coast so there are no Carl’s Jr.s’ here.) But this Padma thing- JESUS- you run his commercial in Iran and its HER who will be facing the Fatwa instead of her ex.

And Padma Lakshmi would never eat a burger, that’s something that hot chicks don’t do. That’s why when you take them out to eat at a place like McDonalds, they get so upset. (Thank g-d I’m not out there anymore!)

The other thing that throws me off is half the commercial is the Padma you know from Top Chef, she’s measuring ingredients, talking about cook books, and the other half is her fucking a burger. Here’s the extended version…



I heard in the directors cut, the burger the burger finishes on her tits.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

What Sucks…The Ironically Named “Dancing With The Stars”



NOTE: Understand I do not watch this show and have never sat through a single episode. I couldn’t tell you the names of the judges or the hosts other than Tom Bergeron, who’s career I happen to follow very closely. I only occasionally catch glimpses of this show because where I live in Hoboken (the Prague of New Jersey) I must pass with my remote, Channel 7 (ABC) on my way to channel 13 (PBS) and every so often I see someone in a sequined unitard and it’s not the Spanish channel, so I look at it for a brief second on my way up to an episode of Antiques Roadshow- which is so dryly hilarious you proletariat slags don’t know what you’re missing.

ANYWAY…

Last night Hall & Oates played while Steve Wozniak, Denise Richards and Holly Madison danced. Not to sound like a broken record but NONE OF THOSE PEOPLE ARE STARS!*

Lookit, I’ve made this point before- a few times- this show’s title is a misnomer. Plain and simple- what if aliens happen to catch the signal of this show being broadcast (you know before everything was digital) and watch one night? We’re calling Gilles Marini a star for Christ sakes!

We can do better!

*Not to sound like a broken record V.2: once again hats off to the talent booker on DWTS who books the ex-sports stars and more specifically the NFL players, clearly he or she is the only one who takes the “Stars” part of the title seriously. I mean holy shit, with the names that person gets, Jerry Rice, Emmit Smith, Warren Sapp, LT, they should film that show in fucking Canton! (That’s where the NFL Hall of Fame is.)

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Monday, March 23, 2009

What Sucks...Doctors!


Maggots!? Fucking Maggots? Read this! And this! Of all the words in the English language, “Maggots” should be the one to never precede the word “therapy”! Matter of fact, here is a brief list of words that never should precede the word “therapy” and you’ll see where “maggots” comes in.

1. Rape (male on male)
2. Anal Torture
3. Rape (male on female)
4. Puppy Killing
5. Incest
6. Dance
7. Maggots
8. Listening to Harry Reid Speak
9. Head Cheese
10. Jizz

Seriously, is not having a foot that much better?

Maggot therapy, if you didn’t click on the above links, is when, in order to combat an ulcer of some sort, doctors will put MAGGOTS into your wound so that they consume all the dead, infected flesh surrounding your lesion. Maggots in an open sore- as supervised by _____.

(Finish the sentence)

a) the producers of the upcoming Hostel 4
b) Haitian doctors
c) doctors

(the fucking answer is “C” by the way. Haitian doctors like to go with earwigs.)

By the way, the above article is about a woman who had this procedure in order to save her foot from amputation. Hey doctors, how bout you come up with a way to save our feet WITHOUT putting maggots into them. And by the way lady, they’re about to put maggots into your feet- how into feet are you, perv?!!

Friday, March 20, 2009

Thursday, March 19, 2009

What Sucks...AIG



These douchebags give themselves million dollar bonuses with our tax money?! What's worse- I heard tomorrow Rihanna will be renewing her car insurance policy with them!

What Sucks…Germans



You know, sometimes you guys make US look good when it comes to race. Nice attempt to distract me with curry dip by the way, racists.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

What Sucks…A-Rod


Just wanted to keep everyone up to date as to where these pictures of A-rod kissing himself fall in the greater rankings of his recent personal disgraces.

I put them at 5.

1) Sleeping with Madonna (in 2008)
2) Frosting his hair.
3) Sucking in the Post Season
4) Losing his wife for an affair with Madonna.
5) POSING FOR THESE GAY-ASS PICTURES IN DETAILS WHERE HE’S KISSING HIMSELF
6) Taking Roids.
7) Having cousin who supposedly turned him onto Roids acting as his driver the day after he admitted to taking roids.
8) Hanging around shirtless in Central Park.
9) Exercising the escape clause on his contract and announcing it in the middle of the World Series, then denying he had anything to do with it.
10) Making that negative remark about Jeter.

What Sucks…The Pope


Man, this dude hates condoms more than Travis Henry. (Click on the link, 9 kids by 9 different women!) I don’t blame him either- who wants a rubber thing hanging off the end of their privates? And it REALLY lessens the sensation by the way- it’s like going into a shower while wearing a Mitre! Matter of fact, I admire the Pope’s courage to speak out. Thanks Pope! Raw dog for everyone! Pull and pray all the way! Whoo hoo!

Wait a minute! Something just occurred to me on the way to the clinic…why would the Pope care about what its like to wear a condom? He’s the Pope, he’s not having sex…with women. From the time he is a candidate for the priesthood as a very young man, he took a vow to never have sex again- if he didn’t he wouldn’t be so wise and venerable, right? There’s got to be another angle…NOW I remember, he doesn’t want people wearing condoms because he feels it’s against the traditional teaching of the church, THAT’S why he’s coming out against condoms!

Oh and he’s saying that on his first trip to Africa where AIDS is killing millions of people, year after year. Where a disturbing amount of kids have AIDS- where you can easily be eaten by a lion. (Africa sucks.) Here’s my question- how does the Pope-Mobile fit those enormous, Vatican sized balls he has? That thing must be as big as a Winnebago (which are priced outrageously by the way).

So yeah, Popes have been coming out against condoms for as long as condoms have been put on dicks, and the problem is, because he’s the Pope, his criticism has a little more weight to it than other people who think condoms are a bad idea like, I don’t know, a horny teen-ager who forgot to go to the drugstore and…(I can’t think of anyone else who is against condoms as much as the Pope!)

So the Pope is telling us that the Lord would rather people pass the HIV virus back and forth to each other and die rather than wear a jimmy hat on their dicks. He DOES work in mysterious ways.

By the way, this shit about condoms comes after the Pope recently reinstated a dude into the priesthood who thinks only 300,000 Jews died in the Holocaust, way to get on a real A-hole roll, Pope.

One more thing, the Pope is still studying whether or not it’s okay for people who are married to people with HIV to use condoms- that is a disdain for condoms that goes a long way. Seriously. I’d rather belong to Church’s Chicken.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

What Sucks…El Vacio: Violent Viral

El Vacio: Violent Viral
Guy watches cute dog video at work, snaps. I’ve seen a 100 times myself. It’s a sad yet beautiful thing- like that plastic bag being whipped around by the wind in that movie “American Beauty”.

El Vacio is a web series currently appearing on Atom.com. Click on it a lot you could win a prize!*


*denotes: there is no prize.

Monday, March 16, 2009

What Sucks Presents…They’re Still A-Holes!: Dick Cheney, Howard K. Stern, Lohan, Britney Spears


Yeah, yeah, yeah Chris Brown, Bernie Madoff and Jim Cramer are a-holes and all but don’t kick dirt on the graves of the old school legends you'll find below- it looks like they have a message for us all- that message? We’re still a-holes!


…Dick Cheney

Don’t call it a comeback, he’s been an a-hole the whole time! Cheney emerged this weekend to shit on Obama, say we’re less safe as a country now and not take any responsibility for where the economy, saying “stuff happens”, is even though he ran the country for the last 8 years. On the bright side, looks like we can all finally figure out where his “undisclosed location” was, (say it with me America, this joke is easy)…up his own ass!



…Howard K. Stern

Dick Cheney and Howard K. Stern grabbing headlines for acting like douches? What is this, early 2007? Everything old is douchey again! Howard K. Stern was accused last week of allegedly providing prescription drugs to Anna Nicole Smith, and by the way- it’s an insult to the word “allegedly” to include it in this sentence!


…Britney Spears

I’m about to write about Britney Spears’ privates popping out again- I have to ask, did someone mess with the space-time continuum no? Well then, did someone mess with the space-douchebag continuum? Yes? I thought so. This chick has to be the only person who has an easier time controlling actual cats than her own pussy. We’ve been subject to this thing for like 5 years now and let me tell you something – it’s not getting better with age! Seriously, I’ve seen this thing more than The Shawshank Redemption and I watch TBS all the time!




…Lindsay Lohan

Honestly, I’m shocked she’s lived this long- must be lesbian love that keeps her alive because to be totally truthful, for a while there it looked like Terry Schiavo was gonna outlive her. What’s awesome about her retro douchocity rearing its ugly head again (a warrant was issued for her arrest for a parole violation) was that it had SUCH a gravitational pull, it also brought with it entire Los Angeles justice system which as you all know, does not allow for young women who break the law to go to jail. (A judge through that shit out.)

Congrats seemingly irrelevant docuches, you are once again powerhouses of sucking!

What Sucks...The Reaper


After a brief respite, the reaper continues his brutal assault on character actors. Ron Silver, a New Yorker, the only man to play two dream team lawyers in two separate films, (Alan Dershowitz in Reversal of Fortune, and Robert Shapiro in American Tragedy) died yesterday at the age of 62. He was also in Timecop.

Ron Silver, RIP.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

What Sucks Investigative Report: Bear Stearns Failure In Retrospect Not Surprising At All


Dateline Hoboken. After an exhaustive and extensive 15-minute investigation into the collapse of the venerable financial institution Bear Stearns, What-Sucks has concluded the firm’s collapse should have come as a surprise to no one and, furthermore, should have been “obvious” and “clearly only a matter of time” to even the most casual observer, after it was determined- by them (the blog)- that the company was run by former major league catcher John Stearns, and an actual bear.

The controversial report and which took 15 minutes to complete (chiefly because the crude photo-shopping of a picture of a bear and John Stearns posing in front of a “Bear Stearns” sign took longer than was originally thought) levies some heavy accusations at the corporation whose demise signaled the beginning of our current financial meltdown.

Among the many charges in the report is the particularly stinging allegation that the company’s board of directors exercised poor judgment in A) assigning Stearns, a former Met in the late 70’s and early 80’s, to a position of leadership in the firm when he had little or no experience in the financial sector and NO experience dealing with bears.

“Stearns could easily have been killed by the bear…” stated the report, which is not available for print, “…it is only by the grace of God and his ability to play dead for long periods of time, that he is alive today.”

The blog goes on to suggest, albeit with no proof, that the firm’s poor performance was due to Stearns’ time being entirely taken up by playing dead, thus making it impossible for him to make any executive decisions. They also claim that Stearns, who in 1978 led the Mets with 25 stolen bases- a rarity for a catcher- received little or no help from the bear, his “co-manager” and technically the CFO of the firm because he was “always looking for salmon, trying to find a cave or scratching his back against some tree".

Also lambasted in the report was the SEC, who was harshly criticized for their lack of oversight on the firm, who was able to keep Stearns and the bear’s hiring a secret from them and most stock holders.

In retrospect SEC officials say they should have become suspicious after the company asked the federal government for a bailout which included 42 billion dollars and “some berries”.

What Sucks Blog has been unavailable for comment due to the report they are currently working on, a stinging indictment of Merrill Lynch for hiring controversial director David Lynch and noted, deceased, baritone Robert Merrill as CEO’s.

What Sucks…USA Today/ CNN.Com: Perv Watch V.23!


Nice job, pervs at USA Today and CNN.Com, no way these headlines could have been written with the words “debris” or “garbage” or even “flotsam and jetsam”. No, you had to use the word “junk”.

I hope you’re enjoying all the giggling you must be doing around the water coolers in your respective offices. I bet NASA got a good chuckle out of that one. Well, sorry to rain on your parade but, you’re pervs and you’ve been busted by What Sucks Perv Watch!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

What Sucks Salutes Giant Balls



…Bernie Madoff’s Wife

After her scumbag husband steals billions of dollars from people, and then gets “sentenced” to house arrest in a Park Avenue Penthouse for what seems to be an eternity, she comes out and says that 62 million of her money and a Manhattan apartment were unrelated to her husband’s fraud and therefore she should be entitled to keep them. Giant ones. Balls that is.



…Chris Brown

For not only realizing that 1/8th a human being would withdraw his name from contention for a KID’S Choice Award, but for also blogging and then telling kids to go vote for him- what is he even being nominated for? His last 3 hits were shots to Rihanna’s face! Boulders between his legs.

By the way, what’s with Usher apologizing for being “too hard” on Chris Brown? What the fuck happened to this country where people can’t publicly shit on Chris Brown or Rush Limbaugh without having to apologize? You want me to NOT shit on Chris Brown? Okay, only if he beats up Rush Limbaugh.



…Nickelodeon

Refusing to bounce Chris Brown from the Kid’s Choice Awards?! Who’s giving out his award, OJ? What, because Rihanna’s taking him back we ALL have to? Brassy ones, the size of pumpkins.

On second thought, maybe he should be able to go to this thing- and let him take Miley Cyrus with him- maybe she’ll get a text.

UPDATED: HE’S OUT! REPLACED BY…LINK



…Wall Street Scumbags

Okay, the economy is in the shitter, we get it- how bout in exchange for all this bail out money the banks are getting, you guys stop feeling sorry for yourself and start coming up with the next thing bullshit thing we can get rich off that will have its bubble burst 2 years from now! Seriously you guys should have had our next lie by now, get off your asses!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

What Sucks...El Vacio: Jizz In Your Coffee

El Vacio: What in My Coffee?
Ed. Note: The following is a transcript of what occurred on March 9th 2009 at a Starbucks in New Jersey…

I am writing this from a Starbucks located in Hoboken, NJ. What these people DON’T know is that we’ve replaced their average, run of the mill coffee condiments like Splenda, Sweet & Low and Equal with...Jizz.

Let’s see the reaction when we tell them…

Okay, I’m stepping into the shark cage I brought with me and I’m about to make the announcement. I’m going to have to shout pretty loudly because this place is pretty packed…

Okay, people are getting pretty pissed- some don’t know what I just said so I’m having to repeat it- hang on…about to repeat it…

Okay, the people to whom I repeated it are very upset. Okay I have just witness two women vomiting, a young man of 22 or so is trying to get at me now in this cage. Okay he is picking up a chair and throwing it at me…the cage has protected me.

A third person has now begun vommitting and from across the room I am witnessing a woman ask another woman what is going on…she has just told her that there is Jizz in her coffee and the woman is now crying.

My cage is being shaken now by a few of the employees of this place so far it is holding up just fine. A woman in the back of the store is attempting to explain to her child why everyone is upset. I can’t hear what she is saying but I am watching the child’s face and yes, okay yes, the child is now crying.

The woman is looking at me, she is very upset and she is walking toward me, I feel confident that she will not be able to hurt me as I am in a shark cage and this thing is strong enough to withstand attacks from sharks.

Oh wait, she is pulling out a gun. This is not good because I did not consider someone would be armed when I decided to replace the average, run of the mill coffee condiments like Splenda, Sweet & Low and Equal with...Jizz.

There is no way that the bars of this shark cage are close enough together to prevent a bullet from getting through. I fear this are the last few minutes I have on this earth. Everyone in this Starbucks appears to be in agreement that this woman should pull the trigger…no one seems to think that putting Jizz in their coffee was a good ide…

Monday, March 09, 2009

What Sucks…The Watchman


Who Will Watch the Watchmen? More like, “Who will watch the Watchman’s Blue Junk?” If you saw this movie this weekend, unfortunately you know the answer was YOU. You will watch the Watchmen’s blue junk. That’s right, you will. Hope you enjoyed watching the Watchmen’s blue junk. Oh ah, sorry –SPOILER ALERT.

So, yeah you get to see a blue dick for a large portion for the movie, which unfortunately SPOILER ALERT is a long time seeing that this movie is like two hours and forty minutes but don’t worry, there are other things to distract you from the fact that you’re seeing a lot of blue flaccidness, like SPOILER ALERT rape scenes and scenes where SPOILER ALERT rape is “okay” because it gave a woman her daughter.

And SPOILER ALERT a scene where a super hero dude prematurely ejaculates.

Lookit, I know there are a lot of people who looked forward to this movie for a long time, and I also know that there are a lot of people who saw this movie and want to think it was the greatest thing ever made, to them I say, ah, sorry and you’re wrong. I know we’re deconstructing the super hero myth here, right? But can we leave it constructed enough to where I don’t have to see a dude climax after dry humping someone for 45 seconds?

Damn this movie blew. And 2:40 minutes? Couldn’t it have been cut down a little? Like say the numerous times where we see Dr. Manhattan’s “Long Island”? (NOTE: Long Island in that last sentence means “dick”.)

Yes the CGI stuff was cool, and also mercifully not on display when Dr. Manhattan grew to 7 stories tall, but still with CGI in full effect I could still tell that the Comedian was played by the dude who plays Denny on Grey’s Anatomy, so how good was it?

And why was everyone sweating Dr. Manhattan (SPOILER) getting detached from the human race? Good, LET him be detached, you want that guy walking around really into his girlfriend? He was doing us a favor- you want him aroused? It was dangerous enough seeing him in that SPOILER ALERT sex scene where he cloned himself 4 times- that’s 4 times the amount of erect blue privates!

Finally, if the main bad guy SPOILER ALERT is the smartest guy in the world, is destroying New York City and framing his buddy for it REALLY the best plan he could think of? He REALLY couldn’t come up with a plan to re-program all the launch sequences of the world’s nuclear weapons and keep the codes for himself? No?

All in all, I give this movie 12-15 flaccid blue penises. Oh wait (SPOILER ALERT) that's what the movie gave us.

Friday, March 06, 2009

What Sucks...El Vacio: Weird German Hidden Camera Show

El Vacio: Crazy Stuff Happens at Bus Stops
People do Crazy Stuff at Bustops all over this great country. I myself have killed a man (Detroit), had a pig roast (Jackson, MI) and have witnessed an exorcism (Belfast, Oyster Bay, LI and Toledo). But in Germany, well, I guess their culture is just…different.

Editor's Note: Yes, it IS possible to sell a video in which a guy puts a sandwich on his ass at a bus stop and another guy pokes a fake dick through a "Hang In There" kitty poster.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

What Sucks Salutes Women With Bad Taste In Men


…Rihanna

You’d stop Kimbo Slice from getting back together with that dude who kicked his ass last October, wouldn’t you? Why are you letting THESE two get back together?



…The Cast of Rock Of Love Bus!

Girls, you’re competing for Bret Michaels!



…Debbie Rowe/ Lisa Marie Presley

Remember that freak show, pedophile, pop star dude who owned his own petting zoo and hung his baby over the rail of a hotel balcony? These chicks married him!



…The Girl In The Mini-Me Sex Tape

Sex tapes should be something that are arouse, NOT arouse vomit. The only thing smaller than Mini-Me’s privates in this video is the self esteem of the chick he’s knocking small ugies with. (And that’s one to grow on.)

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

What Sucks...El Vacio: Pwn3d!

El Vacio: Pwn3d


A list of previous pwn3ds…


ATTEMPT: October 21, 2007…Tried to have a group of people seated at a restaurant, and had whoopi cushions covering all seats.

RESULT: Received a black eye from Maitre d of said restaurant and a contusion on my upper arm, the result of three patrons of the restaurant punching me.

ATTEMPT: November 2, 2007…Approached tailgating NY Jet fans in parking lot of Giants stadium, sneaking up behind them, I told them I was “Brett Farve” and then attempted to urinate in their beer cooler.

RESULT: Received a sprained ankle and first degree burns after being thrown over a picnic table and into a small hibachi.

ATTEMPT: November 26, 2007…Knocked on door of random family about to start their Thanksgiving day meal. Told them all I was there from the Butterball Company because lead had been found in a batch of turkeys and that I needed to test their dinner. Took plate of stuffing and “shmushed” it on the head of elderly grandmother.

RESULT: Was stabbed 14 times by 3 different family members ages ranging from 13 to 62. Was refused treatment at 2 different hospitals after they had been told how I got my injuries.

ATTEMPT: January 15, 2008. Decided to visit the Martin Luther King, Jr. commemorative Mass dressed as the Michigan State Spartan mascot.

RESULT: Internal bleeding, unable to describe assailants due to mascot mask covering my face.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

What Sucks...El Vacio: Loser Boyfriend

El Vacio: Loser Boyfriend
Love hurts, but when it puts the webcam videos you made for your girl online so others can see, it hurts more. Spend the day clicking this video from different computer screens, what else do you have to do today?

What Sucks Presents…Shitty Facebook Status Updates!






Be careful when you update your status on Facebook, sometimes people get upset if you do it too often! CLICK TO ENLARGE!

Monday, March 02, 2009

What Sucks...El Vacio: Funny Web Series



Film to me is a medium for expression. Like the greats before me, Les Mayfield, John R. Cherry, Ted Kotcheff…McG- film is the canvas upon which I paint. Don’t look for meaning in picture, look for it in your heart. Weeping Willow In The City, IS my heart.

I think you’ll agree that after watching the movie trailer above, we’re the new Zach Braff. But we'd spell Zach with a "K", like "Zack" the way it was meant to be.

Editor’s Note: “Weeping Willow In the City” is still looking for a distributor.

Click on this video a lot, Viacom is trying to monetize the internet, let's give them a hand!

What Sucks…Jobs That Suck: Being The Closed Caption Person For Rock Of Love Bus


When you took the job you thought might entail helping deaf people, I’m guessing this is not what you imagined. Should go to show you - no good deed goes unpunished and if you want to save someone, save yourself. Closed captioning is the act of typing out what is being said on screen so that those watching the show without benefit of sound, can follow along. For shows like “Rock of Love Bus” and other VH1 stuff, it means typing and re-typing the phrase “skanky bitch”.

Can’t there just be a general decision made that deaf people who watch this show are not doing it so they can read the statements like…

“Someone else should wear this purple shirt, because it doesn’t fit my big boobs.”

Or…
“Our next event is ‘Stripper Pole Gymnastics’.”

I mean, someone watching the show without benefit of sound would probably be able to figure this one out using context.

It goes for anything said on this show. Including non-verbal.
>rolls eyes, brushes imaginary dirt off shoulder.

I think if you asked them, deaf people around the world would be okay with not reading these things- seriously, they’d be like – “that’s okay. Really. Go on and do McNeil Newshour…why don’t you put TWO people on Lost, it's all right- I’ll read lips for Rock Of Love Bus- the lips on their MOUTH.”