Monday, December 14, 2009

What Sucks…The Nets


The New Jersey Nets set an all time record by losing 18 straight games to start a season. Then they beat the Bobcats for their first win, then promptly went out and lost 3 out of 4. They suck. They literally set the record for sucking to start a season. NO TEAM HAS EVER SUCKED MORE! I’d have written more about this as it was happening seeing that I am a fan of the NBA and I live in New Jersey, but even those two things can barely motivate a person to care about the Nets.

That being said, when a team makes such an incredible effort to suck so thoroughly, I feel I must recognize their efforts and thusly, in tribute to how much they blow, I will now insult each and every member of the Nets. But first a few general insults to the Nets…

Hey Nets, nice work starting off 0-18, its sad when Jayson Williams is having a better year that you. By the way, can you start more guys with girl names? Brook Lopez? Courtney Lee? Devin Harris? Why not bring Stacey Augmon out of retirement and trade for Lindsay Hunter? Your coach’s name is Kiki for Christ sakes!

The team:
Point Guard: Devin Harris. Generally thought of as the best player on the Nets. Hey, way to go, you’re the “best player on the Nets”.

Shooting Guard: Courtney Lee. Easy to see why the Nets traded for you, it could be argued that you have TWO girls names. Also, impressive to the Nets, blowing a layup for the Magic in last year’s finals that lost game two.

Small Forward: Chris Douglas-Roberts. Nice intimidating presence on the front line- a guy who hyphenates his last name! Now the Nets can match up with any team that starts Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

Power Forward: Yi Jianlian. 2 billion Chinese people, 2 of them over 7 feet, and the Nets get the one who sucks.

Center: Brook Lopez. Yeah, they say this guy is the Nets’ future, you know what else he’s the future of? Dudes in the NBA with girl’s names!

Rafer Alston. You’re the back up point guard for the Nets, as they say- enough said.

Tony Battie. Question: Has there been an NBA player who’s been in the league for 12 seasons with less of an impact?

Keyon Dooling.Answer: Oh yeah.

Trenton Hassell. You’re named after the capital of New Jersey, I’d rather have a girl’s name.

The rest of you…

Bobby Simmons
Josh Boone
Eduardo Najera
Jarvis Hayes
Sean Williams
Terrence Williams

…come off the bench for the Nets!

The New Jersey Nets play tomorrow night @ Cleveland!
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4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Josh Boone doesnt come off the bench. He's started the entire season, just like he started the season before last, prior to him getting injured. duh. He's actually one of very few bright spots in the Nets organization. Give the dude some credit. (and dont throw stats at me about foul shots....yes we know hes not great at the foul shots, but neither was shaq and you dont hear anyone calling him a BAD basketball player).

deluca said...

Hey anonymous, how's your day job as Josh Boone's publicist going?!

Anonymous said...

How's YOUR day job licking my ass?

deluca said...

You never hired me, remember? You went with that young Filipino boy- you said he interviewed great!