Monday, December 21, 2009

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Tiger Woods Edition


Tiger Woods has totally been shoved down our throats for the past two-three weeks and I for one do not think it’s fair at all. Seriously folks, if you look in your hearts of hearts, you’ll have to agree he’s handled this scandal extremely well (compared to the way he handled his marriage.)

I mean when this scandal was fresh and new, only a few days old- did he did run off and start a new scandal? No, he stayed with the scandal that took him to the dance and that shows character and commitment.

However, that being said, he did make a few mistakes here and there, and I’d like to highlight a few of them in this special “What Sucks…Quick Hits: Tiger Woods Edition”!

…#1 The Initial Announcement On His Twitter



A lot of people feel like he first addressed this whole thing on his website, but the truth is, he did that only AFTER he got in a room with some high priced PR people. (And I don’t mean Puerto Ricans!) Either way, this is NOT the way to apologize.

…#2 The Unfortunate Leaking Of The Cover to the Tiger Woods PBA ’10 video game box.



You may recognize the above box as the cover of Tiger’s very popular EA video game, sadly, if you pull out to show the original photo, what you see is the below! Ugh. We all should have known! This is as bad as some people are bad at Photoshop!



…#3 Releasing Cheat Codes For His Video Game



Not sure Tiger knew how these worked either, being a show-biz insider like I am, I happened to get my hands on some cheat codes for PGA ’10 and gamers who are reading right now might want to get a pen out and write these down, here they come- are you ready…

“Tell My Wife I Was Working Late”.

…#4 Approaching A Green And Asking His Caddy "What He Thought"



Why was this a mistake? Because it gave the guy a chance to look Tiger in the eye and say “settle out of court!”

Seeing it’s the Holidays, here’s a “What Sucks Gift” to you, ways to inappropriately make jokes about Tiger Woods at your Christmas dinner, great for avoiding meaningful conversation, just follow the script!

YOU: Hey Grandma, how bout that Tiger Woods?!
GRANDMA: Oh, dear I know…
YOU: I heard the other day he played a round at Pebble beach, then went back to his hotel and did another 3 holes!

YOU: Mom, this Tiger Woods thing is incredible…
YOUR MOM: I really feel for his family, especially around this time of the holidays…
YOU: I know, I mean the guy went to Augusta and shot a 69 without even stepping on the course!

YOU: Hey (INSERT MOM’S BOYFRIEND’S NAME) can you believe this Tiger Woods thing- how bout the endorsement angle.
YOUR MOM’S BOYFRIEND: (THINKING YOU’RE ACTUALLY MAKING AN EFFORT TO FINALLY HAVE A REAL CONVO WITH HIM) Why, yes, I mean there is so much money at stake…
YOU: Yeah, and I heard all those kids who said “I am Tiger Woods” in that Nike Commercial, were just tested for STD’s!
YOUR MOM’S BOYFRIEND: Aw, god damnit, Marge!

And finally, for all you comic book nerds, a joke about "The Skins Game".



Ah yes, join me and feel temporarily superior to one of the richest and most successful athletes of all time- feel free to add your own Tiger jokes in the comment section as long as you're not racist!

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3 comments:

Douglas said...

What is the difference between a Cadillac Escalade and a golf ball?

Tiger can drive a golf ball 300 yards...

(That is my favorite so far)

deluca said...

nice work! bonus points for setting a non-racist tone!

digibandit.com said...

difference between Woods and Santa Claus?

Santa only has three ho's

Hey dude - now with the kid it's time YOU joined the hunt ( or folks will say you're soft in the grape department)