Monday, December 28, 2009

What Sucks…Charlie Sheen

Marrying Charlie Sheen, is like…look, I don’t know how else to put it, putting chum on your privates, then sticking those privates into a tank of hungry, irritated sharks and saying, with conviction, “There is no way these sharks will mutilate MY privates!” I mean, seriously, even Saudi Arabian men are like, “dude, you suck as a husband.”

No wonder the guy is so into hookers by the way, you’d be too if every other woman in the world had a restraining order against you.

Sometimes I think it would be easier to, when you date someone, bring a resume and treat the thing a little more like a job interview.

“…Oh, I see in your last relationship, a judge issued a restraining order against you…hmm…ooh, was the actual reason for the breakup an ‘addiction to hookers’, I mean is that a clinical term? Oh, and tell me about this thing with Kelly Preston before that, you ‘accidentally shot her’.”

I know not a lot of people can afford a private eye to do a background check or something, but come on, google searches are free, right?
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Friday, December 25, 2009

What Sucks Presents…Christmas A-holes: The Inn-Keeper In The Nativity Story

Yes, I know you are busy forcing your tongue down someone’s throat who happens to be standing under mistletoe, and yes, Christmas is the time to celebrate good will for all men and to wish for “peace on earth” and all that shit, but you also have to admit, as a time of year it can really bring the dicks out of the woodwork.

The Great A-holes of Christmas: Volume 2: The Inn-Keeper In The Nativity Story!

So everyone basically knows the story of the first Christmas as it pertains to the birth of the big Jeezy (Jesus). Mary, Jesus’ mom and Joseph, the guy who was with Mary when she was “knocked up by the Holy Spirit”, had to leave their hometown because there was a census and thusly had to make a journey to a town named David.

The journey was taken on donkey-back, under the famously bright star of Bethlehem. We all remember the angels trumpeting the arrival of Jesus to the shepherds, and the 3 Wise Men making the trek to see the Baby Jesus with their gifts, but lost in the shuffle for far too long were the actions of some of the most underrated A-holes in all of Christmas lore- the inn-keepers of Bethlehem.

Let me paint the picture for you, a PREGNANT WOMAN, ready to pop, sitting on a donkey is outside your hotel, having traveled many miles to get there, and each one of you a-hole inn-keepers are not only telling her you have no room at your inns, but one of you tells her to go to your barn. A barn!

Dude, that’s Baby Jesus, you’re sure you don’t have any room? And even if you’re not buying into the whole “a Savior is born tonight” thing, this woman is clearly 39-40 weeks pregnant and the best you can do is a manger?

I know they didn’t have a reservation and yeah, it was the holidays and all, but you’re telling me you were okay with sending this chick to lie in some hay, next to a donkey?

Poor Joseph by the way, the guy just walked across Israel, with a mysteriously prego-wife, and now he’s got to tell her that they’ll be staying with a goat.

JOSEPH: Yeah, can I get a room?
INN-KEEPER: No room at the inn.
JOSEPH: But, this is the Son of God.
INN-KEEPER: Oh, the Son of God? Why didn’t you say so? (INN-KEEPER HITS BELLHOP BELL) Hey, Johnny, please, show these people to the “Son of God Suite”.
INN-KEEPER: Yeah, you also know it as the manger. (TO JOSEPH) It’s where we keep all the saviors. HIT THE BRICKS!

Did the inn-keeper have to be such a dick? How awkward was it when the 3 Wise Men came by?

WISE MEN 1: Yeah, had a hard time tracking you guys down, didn’t really think to check out the mangers. I mean, they said humble beginnings but I was thinking more “Red Roof Inn” than petting zoo.

WISE MEN 2: Yeah, I brought you some myrrh, but it looks like what you guys really need s an upgrade! Ho!

Merry Christmas everyone and Happy B-day Jesus! As is the case I’ll be posting very infrequently until the New Year because I’m getting my drink on, and also getting ready for the annual Year In Suck posting. Thanks for reading and don’t sit on your (Christmas) balls!
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Thursday, December 24, 2009

What Sucks…Congratulations Darko Milicic!

Holy suck-burgers was this a landslide! WhatSucksBlog readers have spoken and they have spoken in record numbers (76 votes!) that they think Darko Milicic was BY FAR(T) the worst draft pick in the NBA in the 2000’s. Even though Kwame Brown (former number one pick overall) sucks, apparently he can’t hold a candle to the suckage that is Darko.

So, way to go Darko, you really suck and way to go everyone else, thanks for voting!

Way to go, dick-wad!

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Wednesday, December 23, 2009

What Sucks…The Reaper

George Michael, the sportscaster from DC who gave us the incredibly low-tech George Michael Sports Machine, has been taken by the reaper as yet another seemingly random act of violence against celebrity in a year in which the Reaper has been spending sending a stark message to all celebs- that message? I will take you.

It’s gotten to the point where the reaper isn’t even double checking the names on his list- there’s no way he wanted the Sports Machine guy, when the OTHER George Michael is addicted to drugs, kissing homeless people in the park and responsible for “Careless Whisper”. The reaper, quite simply is in a feeding frenzy. Right now he’s probably in his reaper-mobile going…

REAPER: Ha, you’re friend Andrew Ripley is next.
GM: Yeah, ah, I ran a low-tech Sports Machine.
REAPER: You didn’t have a big hit with “Wake Me Up, Before You Go-Go?”
GM: No, dude.
REAPER: Oh, this is awkward.

Low tech.

Good night Sports Machine George Michael guy, who has taken his lumps on this blog before, I hope they have reel-to-reel machines in heaven that they call Sports Machines too.

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Tuesday, December 22, 2009

What Sucks Flash Poll: Who Is The Bigger NBA Disgrace?

As we come to the end of the decade time to once again take the temperature of WhatSucksBlog readers and find out who they think the biggest disgrace to the NBA was during the “aughts”. You’ll find the poll in the upper right hand corner of the blog, vote as many times as you like from as many different computers as you want- remember, one day Kwame Brown and Darko Milicic will google themselves, and this could totally be a downer for them!

Darko Milicic

The Detroit Pistons picked Darko at #2, right behind Lebron James and right in front of Carmello Anthony, Chris Bosh and Dwayne Wade among others. He started 2 games and is now on his 4th team where he doesn’t play- by the way, that team is the Knicks, if you can get off the bench for them, seriously what’s the difference between you and me?


Kwame Brown

Michael Jordan picked this dude #1 overall out of high school- he was the first high school player to ever be taken at number one. By taking him at number one, the Wizards could have had Paul Gasol, Jason Richardson, Joe Johnson, Tony Parker- hell, they could have drafted Eddy Curry over Kwame and done better than they did. Brown is on his 4th team and has been hated by Wizard and Laker fans to the point where teammates have had to beg fans not to boo the guy. Also, he was arrested in an incident involving some dude’s cake.
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Monday, December 21, 2009

What Sucks…The Reaper

Seems like that a-hole, The Reaper isn’t done with 2009 yet, this weekend he took actress Britney Murphy who died of a heart attack at the ridiculously too young age of 32. I don’t know what crawled up the reaper’s ass this year and, well, died, but unless we find out he is casting for a production of “A Night of 100 Stars” in Limbo, no one is safe.

Britney Murphy, RIP.
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What Sucks…Quick Hits: Tiger Woods Edition

Tiger Woods has totally been shoved down our throats for the past two-three weeks and I for one do not think it’s fair at all. Seriously folks, if you look in your hearts of hearts, you’ll have to agree he’s handled this scandal extremely well (compared to the way he handled his marriage.)

I mean when this scandal was fresh and new, only a few days old- did he did run off and start a new scandal? No, he stayed with the scandal that took him to the dance and that shows character and commitment.

However, that being said, he did make a few mistakes here and there, and I’d like to highlight a few of them in this special “What Sucks…Quick Hits: Tiger Woods Edition”!

…#1 The Initial Announcement On His Twitter

A lot of people feel like he first addressed this whole thing on his website, but the truth is, he did that only AFTER he got in a room with some high priced PR people. (And I don’t mean Puerto Ricans!) Either way, this is NOT the way to apologize.

…#2 The Unfortunate Leaking Of The Cover to the Tiger Woods PBA ’10 video game box.

You may recognize the above box as the cover of Tiger’s very popular EA video game, sadly, if you pull out to show the original photo, what you see is the below! Ugh. We all should have known! This is as bad as some people are bad at Photoshop!

…#3 Releasing Cheat Codes For His Video Game

Not sure Tiger knew how these worked either, being a show-biz insider like I am, I happened to get my hands on some cheat codes for PGA ’10 and gamers who are reading right now might want to get a pen out and write these down, here they come- are you ready…

“Tell My Wife I Was Working Late”.

…#4 Approaching A Green And Asking His Caddy "What He Thought"

Why was this a mistake? Because it gave the guy a chance to look Tiger in the eye and say “settle out of court!”

Seeing it’s the Holidays, here’s a “What Sucks Gift” to you, ways to inappropriately make jokes about Tiger Woods at your Christmas dinner, great for avoiding meaningful conversation, just follow the script!

YOU: Hey Grandma, how bout that Tiger Woods?!
GRANDMA: Oh, dear I know…
YOU: I heard the other day he played a round at Pebble beach, then went back to his hotel and did another 3 holes!

YOU: Mom, this Tiger Woods thing is incredible…
YOUR MOM: I really feel for his family, especially around this time of the holidays…
YOU: I know, I mean the guy went to Augusta and shot a 69 without even stepping on the course!

YOU: Hey (INSERT MOM’S BOYFRIEND’S NAME) can you believe this Tiger Woods thing- how bout the endorsement angle.
YOU: Yeah, and I heard all those kids who said “I am Tiger Woods” in that Nike Commercial, were just tested for STD’s!
YOUR MOM’S BOYFRIEND: Aw, god damnit, Marge!

And finally, for all you comic book nerds, a joke about "The Skins Game".

Ah yes, join me and feel temporarily superior to one of the richest and most successful athletes of all time- feel free to add your own Tiger jokes in the comment section as long as you're not racist!

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Thursday, December 17, 2009

What Sucks…Courtney Love

This is one of those posts where I write “What Sucks…Courtney Love”, and people write back, “be more specific!”

So today we talk about Courtney Love the mom. What can I say about Courtney Love as a mom that hasn’t already been said about Langur monkeys? This week after a judge legally removed her as guardian of her and Kurt’s kid Frances Bean, (irreconcilable differences- Frances Bean is not necessarily into crack, Courtney is) she took to Facebook to bash her daughter and say some weird, vague, bullshit about how she has all of Kurt’s money and Frances Bean, by leaving her is not getting any. Shocking part of the story here is that anyone read it- Courtney Love has friends? Her friend’s haven’t clicked that “hear less of this person” button?

And I’m glad to see that I’m not the only person subject to bullshit from “friends” status reports. What’s worse, some kid I sat next to in the 8th grade telling me to watch out ‘cause he’s gonna go “head for the border” and Taco Bell does some “evil shit to his insides” or having to listen to crack heads like Courtney Love and Sarah Palin spew their bullshit? (I’ll take the Taco Bell guy.)
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Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

What Sucks…Keeping Up With The Kardashians

I don’t know whether to be disgusted or impressed with the commitment this one particular Kardashian has to being a whore that would lead her to put on lingerie and pose with her whorish sisters while being 4-5 months pregnant!

Hey Kourtney, give the being a whore thing a break for 5 minutes! Do kids have eyes they can roll back at 23 weeks? Jesus, think of the unborn!

By the way, apparently this show had a “one hour season premiere” the other night. There’s a thirst for a one hour season premiere of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”? Good god.

Keeping Up With The Kardashians is on Sunday nights @10 on E!
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What Sucks Presents...If Bad Guys Tweeted!

Click to enlarge!
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Monday, December 14, 2009

What Sucks…The Nets

The New Jersey Nets set an all time record by losing 18 straight games to start a season. Then they beat the Bobcats for their first win, then promptly went out and lost 3 out of 4. They suck. They literally set the record for sucking to start a season. NO TEAM HAS EVER SUCKED MORE! I’d have written more about this as it was happening seeing that I am a fan of the NBA and I live in New Jersey, but even those two things can barely motivate a person to care about the Nets.

That being said, when a team makes such an incredible effort to suck so thoroughly, I feel I must recognize their efforts and thusly, in tribute to how much they blow, I will now insult each and every member of the Nets. But first a few general insults to the Nets…

Hey Nets, nice work starting off 0-18, its sad when Jayson Williams is having a better year that you. By the way, can you start more guys with girl names? Brook Lopez? Courtney Lee? Devin Harris? Why not bring Stacey Augmon out of retirement and trade for Lindsay Hunter? Your coach’s name is Kiki for Christ sakes!

The team:
Point Guard: Devin Harris. Generally thought of as the best player on the Nets. Hey, way to go, you’re the “best player on the Nets”.

Shooting Guard: Courtney Lee. Easy to see why the Nets traded for you, it could be argued that you have TWO girls names. Also, impressive to the Nets, blowing a layup for the Magic in last year’s finals that lost game two.

Small Forward: Chris Douglas-Roberts. Nice intimidating presence on the front line- a guy who hyphenates his last name! Now the Nets can match up with any team that starts Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

Power Forward: Yi Jianlian. 2 billion Chinese people, 2 of them over 7 feet, and the Nets get the one who sucks.

Center: Brook Lopez. Yeah, they say this guy is the Nets’ future, you know what else he’s the future of? Dudes in the NBA with girl’s names!

Rafer Alston. You’re the back up point guard for the Nets, as they say- enough said.

Tony Battie. Question: Has there been an NBA player who’s been in the league for 12 seasons with less of an impact?

Keyon Dooling.Answer: Oh yeah.

Trenton Hassell. You’re named after the capital of New Jersey, I’d rather have a girl’s name.

The rest of you…

Bobby Simmons
Josh Boone
Eduardo Najera
Jarvis Hayes
Sean Williams
Terrence Williams

…come off the bench for the Nets!

The New Jersey Nets play tomorrow night @ Cleveland!
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What Sucks…Google News Is Racist!

Hey Google News, Will Smith is NOT President Obama- not all black guys are the same!

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Wednesday, December 09, 2009

What Sucks...Small Wonder

I'm at the Video Game Awards again, so I'm a little behind, but enjoy this video of the girl from Small Wonder killing a turtle.

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Friday, December 04, 2009

What Sucks…EW’s The Shaw Report V.3

Needless to say the latest Shaw Report has sent ripples through “couture design” industry, as in this already shaky economy, makers of Couture surfboards had to learn this past week that they are “out”. That, along with the news that couture yoga mats are “five minutes ago”, must have sent stock prices spiraling. And sure, “couture playing cards” are on top now, but really with this bear market as dictated by Shaw, one can only ask- for how long?

Also, the Shaw Report is reporting on Dakota Fanning like they’re Woodward and Bernstein and she’s Watergate… (In: Breaking into democratic headquarters, 5 Minutes Ago: Holding your hand above a flame for as long as possible, Out: Claiming you’re “not a crook”.) They’re all over her like stink on poop, or in this case, “uncomfortable level of maturity” on “kid actress”. (And I would have thought playing a rape victim would be “5 minutes ago”).

Yes, before you think What Sucks…is becoming your one stop shopping place for analysis of Shaw Reports know this, this little review is already “five minutes ago”.
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Wednesday, December 02, 2009

What Sucks...Tiger Woods On Chinese Digital Reenactment...

"Yeah, they pretty much got it." -Tiger Woods.
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What Sucks…Sharks!

That’s right, (click to enlarge if you have to) you’re reading that headline correctly, Hammerhead sharks, one of the most frightening things you can see in an ocean- surpassed only by the sight of your leg floating by you shortly thereafter, can apparently see as well as humans can.

So forget about sneaking by these monsters should you happen to be in the same general vicinity as them they can see as well as you can, underwater. Not as well as you can see underwater, they, underwater, can see as well as you can (not being underwater.)

The article, which appears in National Geographic, goes on to say for what I can only assume is clarity sake, that the high level of vision allows the sharks to “swim faster” and kill their prey more efficiently. Because I guess Hammerhead sharks need to kill more and have been missing out on, I don’t know, antelope.

So what can you take from this? Well, hammerhead sharks will kill you and basically the only defense you could possibly have is carrying around a copy of the NY Times on the off chance he’ll want to read the lifestyle section instead of eating you.
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Tuesday, December 01, 2009

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Dubai, Charlie Weis, The Quarterback Rating, Did You Hear About The Morgans?


Oh, so you’re telling me when you build a city of mile high hotels and install giant palm tree shaped lakes in the middle of a desert, there might be a chance of incredible debt? Holy crap with the spending! These people are like a nation of MC Hammers!

…Charlie Weis

Things aren’t good when you go to a storied College Football program and the only thing you consistently win is the award for biggest gut under the belt! Weis, come on, what are you, my grandmother's best friend? No one is expecting a National Championship, but a vagina stomach? I don’t know what was worse, the job you do recruiting or the level you wear your pants. (Touchdown) JESUS that’s bad.

…The QB Rating

Does anyone who didn’t go to MIT know how to calculate this thing? I saw last night Drew Brees threw for 5 touchdowns and for 371 yards going 18 for 23 to get a PERFECT QB rating of…158.3! That’s the perfect QB rating? How the hell do you get to a number like 158 POINT 3? Look I’m no metric system commie, but can we make the perfect number something like, oh I don’t know 100?

…Did You Hear About The Morgans?

Did I hear about the Morgans? What, that they were in a really shitty looking movie? Yes I heard that. That Hugh Grant was in his 7000th romantic comedy and still has to pay his dues by acting like he can be attracted to Sarah Jessica Parker? Yeah, I heard that too.
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