Thursday, November 26, 2009

What Sucks…Turkeys Are Dicks!

This Thanksgiving, 200 million or so turkeys will be eaten across this great land of ours. They will be covered in delicious gravy or even, in some cases, cranberry sauce. But if you’re one of those people feeling a little antsy that so many turkeys are meeting their doom, so that we humans can gorge ourselves and watch football, consider these facts about turkeys, I was able to learn from PETA, of all people.

...Turkeys are responsible for 87% of the financing for all Sandra Bullock romantic comedies.

…A turkey, upon seeing that it is “cold outside”, invented the first instance ever of asking someone “Cold enough for ya?”

…Turkeys regularly disguise their voices and call the offices of 30 Rock, demanding the show focus more on Jane Krakowski’s character than on Tracy Morgan’s.

...A turkey once said to a dejected Carrot Top, who was considering going to law school, “Buck up fella- try making props!”

…One particular turkey who was a victim of a home invasion, once watched a man drown in full view of Phil Collins who later was so rattled with guilt, he arranged for said turkey to attend one of his shows , then turned the spotlight on him and serenaded him with “In The Air Tonight”. The turkey was not moved.

So consider these facts if you’re feeling bad about chowing down tonight and hopefully, once you’ve weighed everything you’ll see, turkeys are serious a-holes who should be eaten.
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