Monday, November 30, 2009

What Sucks…Funny Web Video: The Hills 2012!

Oh my god, I have so many talented friends- here’s something a good buddy of mine through together for “Lopez Tonight” (I KNOW the powerbrokers in this biz!). It features the lovely and apparently sense of humor possessing Kristin Cavallari from the Hills (I’ve never seen it, if it’s not on PBS, forget it) who in one short video proves she is way, way cooler than Heidi Montag will ever be. Check it out and who says it's easier to post my friends videos than write new entries once you have a kid!

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What Sucks…Funny Web Video: The Dick Rossi Show!

Another talented buddy of mine, Adam Felber along with a bunch of hot chicks and a monkey made this video and through it up on Funny or Die- what can I say, today is check out a funny video day! Vote funny for it, whatever the hell that means!
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What Sucks…Funny Web Video: Rob Paravonian’s “Pushing Band Candy”

Please check out my buddy Rob Paravonian’s latest tune “Pushing Band Candy”, he’s a very talented and funny guy who’s touring around the country playing colleges and opening up for Lily Tomlin’s latest show- check it out and check out his album on iTunes.

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Thursday, November 26, 2009

What Sucks…Turkeys Are Dicks!

This Thanksgiving, 200 million or so turkeys will be eaten across this great land of ours. They will be covered in delicious gravy or even, in some cases, cranberry sauce. But if you’re one of those people feeling a little antsy that so many turkeys are meeting their doom, so that we humans can gorge ourselves and watch football, consider these facts about turkeys, I was able to learn from PETA, of all people.

...Turkeys are responsible for 87% of the financing for all Sandra Bullock romantic comedies.

…A turkey, upon seeing that it is “cold outside”, invented the first instance ever of asking someone “Cold enough for ya?”

…Turkeys regularly disguise their voices and call the offices of 30 Rock, demanding the show focus more on Jane Krakowski’s character than on Tracy Morgan’s.

...A turkey once said to a dejected Carrot Top, who was considering going to law school, “Buck up fella- try making props!”

…One particular turkey who was a victim of a home invasion, once watched a man drown in full view of Phil Collins who later was so rattled with guilt, he arranged for said turkey to attend one of his shows , then turned the spotlight on him and serenaded him with “In The Air Tonight”. The turkey was not moved.

So consider these facts if you’re feeling bad about chowing down tonight and hopefully, once you’ve weighed everything you’ll see, turkeys are serious a-holes who should be eaten.
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Wednesday, November 25, 2009

What Sucks…Susan Boyle

So Susan Boyle’s album is already topping charts and hasn’t even been officially released yet. So, we’re sure we’re gonna do this? Go with a pop-star for reasons other than looks? Cause we could be setting a dangerous precedent. One day we have Susan Boyle, the next we could have Brooke Hogan. I’m not sure if you want to go down this road.

Matter of fact, record companies are already preparing for this in the design of their new CDs- check out Rihanna, normally pretty hot, now…

…and Shakira…

And even Lady Gaga…

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Tuesday, November 24, 2009

What Sucks…Entertainment Weekly's The Shaw Report

Two questions, what the holy fuck is this and is “Jessica Shaw” the pen-name for John Nash when he’s off his meds?

A few more questions- are you telling me photo books are “five minutes ago”? And soda is “out”? Holy crap, thank the Lord I saw this. I would have no idea that “seltzer” is in right now. I’m so psyched I can finally get all that seltzer I have out and look cool while doing it. Tough break for “smoothies” though, I feel like they never had their time in the sun.
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Monday, November 23, 2009

What Sucks…People Getting Upset At Adam Lambert

ABC got over 1500 calls after Adam Lambert did this (above) on their show. Did you people think Adam Lambert was kidding about being gay? Did you watch American Idol at all last year? I think we got off easy with the above!
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Friday, November 20, 2009

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Jeremy Piven, Jon Gosselin, Sarah Palin, Paris Hilton

…Jermey Piven

First the dude had to stop being in a play because of eating too much sushi, now he’s complaining that soy products gave him man-boobs. What does it say about a guy when food is actively trying to kill him?

…Jon Gosselin

Its impossible for this guy to stay out of the news for being a douche. Now it turns out that he may have violated his TLC contract for trying to get into business with Michael Lohan. Michael Lohan! Business! In the same sentence! Not convinced this guy is an ass-hat? He got fired from his own family…AND THEY KEPT KATE!

...Sarah Palin

Going Rouge? First Carrie Prejean writes a book, now this jag off. These are the salad days for the needless death of trees. If I was a tree I’d rather die being caught doing the autoerotic choke thing like the guy from INXS and David Carradine than to be chopped down to become a page in this crack-head’s book.

...Paris Hilton

Because she shouldn't be allowed to feed a monkey from a bottle at a bowling alley. She hasn't earned that!
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Wednesday, November 18, 2009

What Sucks…Rush Limbaugh And The 2010 Miss America Pageant

(Note: still catching up.)
Miss America hired Rush Limbaugh as a judge for it’s 2010 pageant in Las Vegas. Nice, so I guess now contestants will be judges on beauty, grace, and who looks best in a swimsuit, while coming up with a plan to privatize entitlements.

I think Miss America President and CEO Art McMaster said it best when he said, “We are thrilled to have Limbaugh as a judge for our pageant and...better luck next year, African American contestants.”
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What Sucks…Carrie Prejean’s Book

Note: Catching up on a few things I missed over the past few days, poop on a baby's bottom waits for no man…

Trees had to die for this? “Still Standing”? Are you serious- she has like multiple sex tapes, right? This book should be called “Still Standing, When I’m Not Kneeling!” Should people be allowed to write books when it’s still not known for sure if they know how to read?
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Tuesday, November 17, 2009

What Sucks…The Reaper

The great Ken Ober, host of what arguably was the best thing MTV ever did (Beavis And Butthead perhaps excluded) Remote Control, died yesterday at the way too young age of 52.

I have a lot of friends personally (I know tons of Hollywood big shots) who have worked with the guy on various projects and all of them say he was nothing but a great, great guy. He will be missed.

Ken Ober, RIP.
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What Sucks Breaking News…Robin Williams: “No thanks ‘Stimulus Package’, ‘Public Option’ Puns, I’m Going With ‘Weapons Of SELF Destruction’”

Dateline New York. Noted comedian Robin Williams (Mork from Ork, the Robot in Bicentennial Man, “Dan” in “Old Dogs”) will call his upcoming HBO stand up special “Weapons Of Self Destruction”, a clear play on the phrase “Weapons of Mass Destruction”, a Bush-Era term coined to justify the war with Iraq. It should also be mentioned that this special will air in, and it currently is…2009.

In choosing “Weapons of Self Destruction” (emphasis mine), Williams glanced over any number of cheese-dick puns he could have associated with more timely events in Barack Obama’s term as President such as something to do with the “Stimulus Package” or even a take on “Public Option”. Such a choice would have allowed Williams to maintain his trademark hackiness while not seeming like SUCH a douchebag for going all the way to make a “Weapons of Mass Destruction” joke.

Said one observer “I guess we should feel lucky he’s not calling the show ‘I Did Not Have Sex With That Woman’ with an arrow indicating Hillary Clinton. Jesus, what’s with that guy, I wonder if he’ll do that racist black voice that he uses.”

Others have not given up on the “Stimulus Package” idea for the title. “The word package will be too hard for him to pass up. I think we’ll see “Robin Williams’ Stimulus Package’ sometime during Jeb Bush’s first term as President in the year 2018.”
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Monday, November 16, 2009

Site News…I Had A Baby Boy!

(This is not him pictured as I am not Chinese.)

Sorry I haven’t been posting regularly but I recently had a baby boy! He is healthy and great looking and giant- 8 lbs 9 oz, 22 inches and he most certainly does not suck. Although if all an ADULT did was sleep, eat and poop, you’d probably hear about it from me here so I guess I'm a big fat hypocrite.

Anyways, I'm gonna try and get some stuff up soon, you know, when I'm not wiping poop off some kid's behind.
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Wednesday, November 11, 2009

What Sucks...Carrie Prejean

Looks like it's Carrie Prejean Week here on What Sucks. Check out this video of her making Larry King look sympathetic as she storms off his show. This guy hasn't been this upset since a dinosaur stepped on his summer home. (He's old.)

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Tuesday, November 10, 2009

What Sucks...Ben & Alex: Live Blogging Carrie Prejean On The Today Show

Friends of Ben & Alex at took live blogging things that should not be live blogged to a new level when they live blogged Carrie Prejean on the Today Show today. Check it out and wonder at the suckiness of this champion of suck.

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Monday, November 09, 2009

What Sucks…Elizabeth Lambert

Sometimes, although very rarely, when I say “What Sucks…”, what I kind of mean is “What Is Incredibly Awesome…” This is one of those times. Can you LOOK at this lunatic soccer player from University of New Mexico, Elizabeth Lambert do her Hanson Brothers impression and not fall head over heels in love with her?

Try it, I dare you. She plays soccer like she’s Jeff Beukeboom for Christ-sakes. And I’m not a fan of soccer by the way- any game where the ball hits you on the head and it DOESN’T make a blooper reel is not for me. Until now.

By the way, apparently all she got was a yellow card- what do you have to do to get a red card, leave a body count? Lady Lobos? Hardly!
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What Sucks...New Derrick Comedy Video- Boy Band

The awesomeness that is Derrick Comedy came out with a new video the other day- check it out and go see their movie when it comes to your town!
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Friday, November 06, 2009

What Sucks…Carrie Prejean

Most of the time when I post about something that sucks, I’ll do a charming little write up complete with jokes made at the expense of whatever sucks, or the elderly, or both. But sometimes a story comes along and all I need to do is tell it.

This is one of those times. (By the way, thanks to TMZ and my old college roommate who were both all over this like white on rice.)

Noted moron, Carrie Prejean got booted from one of her conservative speaking gig due to her appearance in a sex tape- a sex tape where she appears solo. (Let that sink in for a second. Solo! She didn’t even have the decency to be filmed having sex with some sketchy dude she met one night when she was a waitress! Solo!)

If you’re keeping score, this is like the 3rd time she’s whored it up since she claimed to be a victim for the backlash she received due to her stance against “opposite marriage”. I don’t know why these conservative D-bags canceled her appearance by the way, they all really blew a good chance at getting laid.

Even better, apparently, for some reason, her mom was allowed to see the tape of her daughter. EMBARRASSING! Apparently this all came to light when she was trying to sue the Miss America Beauty Pageant for like a million dollars or something.

See no jokes here, just reporting!
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Wednesday, November 04, 2009

What Sucks…Flat Tires (The 1st in a Series of Homonym-like Phrases in Which Both Meanings Suck)

Sometimes a phrase can mean two different things and both of those things can suck really bad. This is the case with the term “Flat Tire”.

Imagine yourself driving along, minding your own business when your car suddenly starts making a terrible noise and you begin lurking over to one side. More than likely, you have a flat tire and there are few things that suck more. Now you have to pull over, physically change your tire- or risk ruining your rims- and eventually replace the tire, which costs coin.

Now picture yourself walking through a crowded hallway during high school. You have acne, your body is growing and you haven’t been able to adjust to it properly and your voice is in “mid-change” form. You just want to get to your next class or your locker so you can go about your business and get on with your life when someone steps on the back of your shoe, causing it to come off. This is also a “flat tire”, and it too sucks.

So, is the term “Flat Tire” the suckiest term in the English language because of the double wallop? You can make a case. One thing is for sure however, in order to improve its image, the phrase “Flat Tire” would probably have to come to mean “getting oral from a Unicorn” in order to BEGIN to make a dent in the suckiness associated with it.
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Tuesday, November 03, 2009

What Sucks…Facebook

Why does Facebook always make changes to their product so that they’ll suck more? Each incarnation pisses people off more and more. FB 8.0 is gonna be like a herpes sore or something. Their new thing is to be just flat out lewd- showing me a picture of a girl I went to high school with in the upper right hand corner, then telling me to "poke her". Dude, that time is passed, she's married with kids now, have some respect! You’re coming off very “Jodi Foster movie”.

And yes, I have scratched out Regina’s last name and changed her picture to Elisabeth Shue to protect her integrity. The woman is trying to lead a life, she doesn’t need Facebook trying to ruin her marriage!
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Monday, November 02, 2009

What Sucks…Playboy

What is happening at Playboy? This month Marge Simpson was on the cover and next month, they’re going to have Tara Reid. That’s “not that funny” and “shit- you gotta be joking, right?” respectively.

Tara Reid? Really, are there guys out there who haven’t seen her naked? I mean like, in person, after a night at a bar? Folks, American Pie was in 1999. It’s 2009 now. The only magazine doing a spread on this chick should be "Liver Abuse Quarterly" (they had to move to quarterly due to sagging sales, print media is taking a beating)!

She can’t be the centerfold, right? What would be her turn-ons? Long walks on the beach, and guys who really know how to ‘hold hair’?

And Playboy, do you have any idea how many plastic surgery scars she has? You’re going to have to do so much airbrushing you might as well save your money and go with “an artists’ rendering”. All the soft focus and filtering you’re gonna have to do, it’ll look like you shot this thing in a dream sequence. Do us a favor, while you’re in there photo-shopping, pop Megan Fox’s head on there as well.
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