Wednesday, September 02, 2009

What Sucks…Charmin: Obsessed With Poo

A day after I published a scathing report about how Charmin and the Charmin Bears are obsessed with poo, I received a number of emails from readers asking me to check out Charmin’s website, where they claim, there is a function that enables you to search the country for public bathrooms.

Sure enough, there is. Now in theory, this can actually be helpful in a way, I suppose. There is an indicator as to whether or not you should “sit” or “squat” over said toilet and there is a rating system you can employ to give the toilet anywhere between 1 and 5 stars. Helpful as this may be, it does nothing to refute my theory that Charmin is obsessed with poop.

Cottenelle for example, another leading brand of toilet paper features on their website, a cute puppy. Sure they go on to talk about toilet paper, but the site is no where near as “poop-centric” as the folks over at Charmin are.

Angel Soft plays the toilet paper trivia card, offering fun facts about the bathroom (Vikings used discarded sheep’s wool to wipe their asses) while emphasizing babies in their advertising.

Quilted Northern, another popular brand, stresses their “quilt-like” style. So I suppose, if you ever wanted to wipe your ass with a quilt, these are the guys for you. They also have a place on their site where you can learn about fighting breast cancer, which is a nice gesture. I don’t know if Charmin is trying to raise awareness of an affliction, but if I had to take a guess, I’m sure it would be against “sharting”, those sick bastards.

In conclusion, Charmin is a little too into poop and the whole poop scene. I wish I had more evidence to call them pervs, but at this time I don’t, but Charmin, I’m watching you. You’re weirdos and you’re commercials are way creepy.

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