Tuesday, September 01, 2009

What Sucks…Charmin Bears Part 2: The Pitch



Charmin has long had issues with its advertising. For years they chose to go with a campaign that featured notable hypocrite and icon of the sexually frustrated, Mr. Whipple. Whipple’s thing was to run a super market like he was a Nazi and castigate anyone who would come into his shop who squeezed the Charmin, before exposing himself as a world-class fraud by squeezing the Charmin himself.

The lesson here I suppose was that it was difficult to resist squeezing this particular toilet paper. It also took the focus off the fact that you were watching a commercial for the stuff you use to wipe your ass. Below I’ve inserted a commercial where these bitches torment Whipple by squeezing said Charmin, him even though he goes out of his way to give these women a squeeze substitute (stuffed animals).



You can say that when it comes to ad campaigns Charmin has always marched to the beat of its own drummer, or I suppose you could also say that before pitch meetings with ad companies, executives at Charmin perhaps took a great deal of acid. Either way, I don’t know what happened at the pitch meeting for the whole Charmin Bears thing. I don’t pretend to know a lot about the ad game, but I don’t see Don Draper coming up with this campaign.

DRAPER STANDS IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM, CONFIDENT, SMILING. THE CLIENTS SAUNTER IN, CAMPBELL SHOWS THEM TO THEIR SEATS.

ROGER: Don’s been up with this thing for weeks. He’s had half the staff eating Taco Bell this week just so they could familiarize themselves with your product. Don’t worry, it passed the test- as you can see, everyone is...sitting pretty.

CLIENT #1: Taco Bell, without those guys, ½ of our profits wouldn’t exist.

CLIENT #2: He’s not kidding, this guy has a boat called “The Majestic Shitter”.

ROGER: Well, let’s hope we can get you back out on that boat. Don…

DRAPER: Lights please. (THE LIGHTS ARE DIMMED) Bears. In the woods. They’ve recently shat. Pieces of toilet paper- wait- I mean bath tissue- are hanging from one of the bear’s asses. His mother bear chases him around with a broom trying to clean his ass. A voice says…don’t be like this bear. Use Charmin.

THE CLIENTS SOAK IT IN. AFTER A MOMENT ROGER SPEAKS.

ROGER: What are you thinking?

CLIENT #1: I’m thinking what to name my next boat. Don, a pleasure.

THE CLIENTS GET UP, SHAKE DRAPER’S HANDS AND HEAD TO THE DOOR.

CLIENT #2: Let’s go out tonight and fuck some whores. 6PM at the Waldorf lobby?

ROGER: See you there.


Weird, creepy.


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1 comment:

Ben said...

I imagine that this ad was pitched by a guy whose wife caught him with a vacuum cleaner up his ass. "Honey, I swear, it's perfectly natural! Even bears do it!"