Wednesday, September 30, 2009

What Sucks…K-Fed

Did K-Fed knock himself up? Did he somehow let himself get-it-on with, himself or something? The dude should not equate food with love, because a) it’s not healthy and b) in his case it could lead to a chicken Parmesan getting pregnant.

K-Fed, you must be freaking! Imagine hanging with some girl, next thing you know you’re breathing heavy, sweating, and you haven’t even started to try and impregnate her yet!

Get some exercise. Doing Celebrity Fit Club is probably the right thing to do. You’ll be put on a diet and with Bobby Brown also on the show, you can probably get some crack, so that’s good for losing weight.

Hang in there bro- get your mind off of food. If you have to, go back into the studio and make another rap album. If you HAVE to. If there’s no other way. Wait, you know what, don’t do that.
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Tuesday, September 29, 2009

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Baby Edition!

Babies are taking some major hits this past week news-wise. They’re like the Sharks of the Autumn of 2009. And yeah, a lot of it is deserved (not referring to 2 entries ago) I mean, they’re selfish, they cry a lot and if they’re not eating or sleeping, they’re pooping. The other day, I saw this mom changing her baby who had done a serious poopy in his pants, and WHILE SHE’S CHANGING HIM, WHILE THE DIAPER IS OFF, HE DECIDES TO TAKE A WHIZ. Baby, dude- you can’t do that while you’re still diapered? Seriously, what an a-hole move.

…19 Pound Babies

19 pounds?! Sweet Jesus, what- was it born at the age of 2? You’d have to swaddle this thing with a parachute! By the way, here’s an artist’s rendering of what this poor woman’s uterus looks like CLICK HERE, incidentally like the artists rendering, this woman’s privates are one of the only things that doesn’t disappoint!


Is this a problem? Racist babies? I don’t get it, are babies seeing black people walking down the block, and then (crawling) crossing the street to the other side? Do babies refer to a basketball player such as Mike Miller as “heady” and “gritty”, and then similarly refer to someone like Chris Bosh as a “naturally gifted athlete”? Is Pat Buchanan a baby?

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Monday, September 28, 2009

What Sucks…John Phillips

Wow. Nice job as a dad. I don’t want to reiterate all the relevant charges against you here, because I have a lot pervs who read my blog and recounting what you did might turn THEM off, but suffice to say, in order to have the perfect Father’s Day card for you, Hallmark would have to hire Stephen King.

And can we stop saying that the environment in which Mackenzie Phillips grew up in was “permissive”? The environment my youngest brother grew up in was permissive- he was allowed to stay up late and watch Wrestling. Doing a line of coke is at 12 is not “permissive”, its something that would end up on the cutting room floor during the editing of Caligula.

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Friday, September 25, 2009

What Sucks…Humanity

Seriously, sometimes writing this blog I actually think, we may be turning the corner. You know, I’ll find myself writing about TV and I’ll say, well, yeah this sucks, and all, and Grey’s Anatomy is starting up again so I’ll have plenty of things to write about, but at least you know, things that “TV suck” are different from, you know, failing as a race. Then I see a headline like this and I think, Grey’s Anatomy is too good for us. We don’t deserve Grey’s Anatomy.

Good lord. First of all, worst headline ever? Not sure, but probably. Little side note by the way- this dude is from Staten Island apparently- way to go hometown! We’ve got Rick Schroeder, Christina Aguilera, 6 zillion guidos, and now this guy who tried to set up a date to fuck a baby.

I can’t even FATHOM what kind of a scumbag this dude is. It’s one of those things like the universe, where the human mind can’t fully grasp it. Any time by the way you don’t think Man sucks, because, you know, he invented the phone and the internet and the computer, and the car and made roads, etc. Just think that this dude, who’s picture is here, used the all of those things to try and set up a date, to go fuck a baby.

Seriously. We’re the worst. Say what you will about sharks, snakes and viruses, they don’t try and set up dates to go have sex with babies- with their mothers no less! I forgot about that, he was talking to a cop who he thought was the baby’s mom! Read the disgusting article, he thought he was going to have like a 3-way OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO THROW UP!!!!

Nice job, mankind!

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Thursday, September 24, 2009

What Sucks…Dancing With The Stars

Ed note: here are a few things I kind of fell behind on this week.

Holy Shit-bags, Tom DeLay is on Dancing With The Stars? Are you kidding me? Wait a second, before I flip out- has this show’s name been switched to “Dancing With The Scumbags”?! No? How ‘bout “Dancing With Those Who Commit Gross Fraudulence”? No?

“Dancing With The Douchebags”?
“Dancing With The Shady Douchebags”?
“Dancing With…any derivative of the word “douchebags”?
“Dancing With The Soon To Be Felons”?
“Dancing With The Jaw-Droppingly Corrupt?
“Dancing With Sweatshop Enablers”?
“Dancing With A-Holes The Likes Of Which We May Never See Again”?

Then WTHF? (Holy fuck)

Let me get this straight- this show, which calls itself “Dancing With The Stars”, then books people like Melissa Joan Hart and Aaron Carter, to BE the stars, is not satisfied with insulting its audience’s intelligence enough, it has to go book Tom DeLay to be on the show?

Who the F on this planet wants to see Tom DeLay dance? Who says, “hey- that guy who with Jack Abramoff ripped off all those Native American groups that were looking to open casinos, yeah, that guy who redesigned voting districts to pad Republican majority numbers- right, him- yeah I’d love to see if he can mamba.”

Why are we, the public being punished, and how come his trial is so “delayed” that this ass-hat can be on an entire season of Dancing With The Stars? Isn’t this cock-knocker awaiting trial on money laundering charges? Did I miss his trial? Yet we’re the ones who have to watch him stumble around a stage in sweatpants?

It’s like Dancing With The Stars thinks we’re too good for Danny Masterson. I’m outraged. Please join me in this letter writing campaign. (You can cut and paste into an email.)
Dear The Guy/ Lady Who Books People For Dancing With The Stars:

Are you shitting me? Tom DeLay? Really? You’re serious. Someone in you office was like- “hey we have one more opening, should we go back at the 2nd Becky from Rosanne?” And you were like “No, let’s get one of the biggest scumbags ever to serve in congress.”

And everyone was okay with that? No one resigned in protest? Seriously.

Yours in Christ,


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Wednesday, September 23, 2009

What Sucks...A Funny Web Video: Ben & Alex at BenAndAlex.TV

Friends of WhatSucksBlog and creators of Unleashed, Ben Zelevansky and Alex Bloom, made this video that you should all not only check out, but after checking out, click on "Funny". I've watched it, and it IS funny, and also, these two dudes are definitely some of the good guys out there.

So watch the vid, and click funny, and hell, forward this to that person in your office who you think may need to laugh,you may change that person's life.

Spoiler Alert: It mocks the elderly, so it automatically gets the WhatSucksBlog seal of approval.
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Tuesday, September 22, 2009

What Sucks…Taser Watch!

Welcome to WhatSucksBlog’s latest feature- Taser Watch! We’re here watching who’s getting tazed, so you don’t have to! Think of how wonderful this is going to be, you no longer have to google search the terms “double amputee” and “tazed”- this will free you up to go out and get tazed yourself!

Oh, can you imagine the great day when you can google yourself, and the word “tazed”?

Let’s count ‘em down- top three tasings of September!

#3 Cops Taser an Emu!

Think you’re safe from getting tazed if you’re a large, flightless bird? Think again!

#2 Police run after a 76 year old dude, who’s driving a tractor in a parade, and taze him!

Everyone loves a parade, and some feel they should be opportunities to taze the elderly!

#1 Unarmed, legless dude gets tased! And it happened on 9/11!

In this game, double amputee trumps old guy on a tractor in full view of townspeople. Congrats dude with no legs, you are ranked #1 on the first ever WhatSucksBlog Taser Watch!
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Monday, September 21, 2009

What Sucks…The Kansas City Royals

Once a proud franchise who battled the Yankees in the late 70’s, and won two World Championships in the 80’s. Now, you’re 27.5 games out of first place, and the biggest highlight you have as an organization, is a video where the greatest player to ever wear your uniform talks repeatedly, with pride I might add, about shitting his pants.

Say what you will about the Mets, at least they are continent.

Come on Royals! This is a disgrace! You had Dennis Leonard once! Frank White! You won championships with Bret Saberhagen and Dan Quisenberry! And gutty Danny Jackson! Even more recently, I know there was a time when you had Johnny Damon and Jermaine Dye in your outfield- and Carlos Beltran! You don’t have to suck, but if you do, you CERTAINLY don’t have to become the public face for pants shitting!

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Friday, September 18, 2009

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Miley Cyrus, Dick Cheney, Asparagus, NYC Unemployment!

…Miley Cyrus

The show is called “Diva’s”, not “sluts”, there’s a difference. I think.

…Dick Cheney

Went in for back surgery- but don’t worry, doctors say this is just an old injury he aggravated from years ago when threw his back out having a light saber fight with Luke at the end of Empire!


Here’s how badly asparagus affects your pee. It makes it smell so bad, we yearn for the smell of regular pee, which, it should be mentioned, does not smell good!

…Unemployment In NYC!

Things are bad folks, a friend just told me unemployment in NYC is at 10.3 %. Even worse, the only reason he knew was that the guy in charge of getting unemployment numbers was in his office, asking him for a job!

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What Sucks… 5 Guys Being Falsely Accused of Gang Rape

On Sunday night, things looked really bad for the 5 men who were accused of gang raping a Hofstra University student in a dormitory bathroom over the weekend. Police had arrested 4 of them and were closing in on a fifth, when on Wednesday night things suddenly changed. Told there was a secret cell phone recording of the act, the accuser, changed her story to admit that the sex in the dormitory bathroom, with the 5 guys, was consensual. Charges were immediately dropped and the 4 men who were in jail at the time, were released.

So congrats, 5 guys who were accused of raping a Hofstra Student in a dorm bathroom, your names are cleared, you're now 5 dudes who CONSENSUALLY had sex with a Hofstra Student in a dorm bathroom.

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Thursday, September 17, 2009

What Sucks…Ernie Anastos

When I was a kid my mom and dad would make it a point to watch the 6 O’clock news every night, instead of repeats of whatever show was on at that time in syndication. (I think it was “Alice”, that show about a single mom waitress who worked for an ogre diner owner named Mel. It may have been called Mel’s Diner. Whatever it was called, no one was getting out of that place alive, no fucking way!) Anyway, I guess it was my parents’ way of trying to get me to know about current events in case I was ever to walk into one of those Jay-Walking interview things where people are stumped by Jay Leno and then intensely scan his body language for clues as they take wild guesses to questions like “Who’s the Vice President?” and “Who fought in the Civil War?”

Anyway, I had to watch the New York City, 6 O’clock news- and this is back when they had real reporters, not “models” like they have now. They had Jim Jensen, and Roger Grimsby and a guy named Bill Beutel- all of whom could drink the legs of a table, under a table. Every night we watched it and subsequently, I was the only 4th grader who knew who Berhard Goetz was, that Etan Patz was kidnapped and that Donald Manes killed himself by stabbing his chest with a scissor.

Well, after a little while, my parents divorced (because of me) and these anchors faded away into rehab, death or retirement. One of the last of them is is Ernie Anastos and last night he told our local weatherman to “Keep fucking a (that) chicken.”

UPDATE: Keep Fucking That Chicken is catching on! (From the guys at Tru TV's Dumb As Blog)

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Wednesday, September 16, 2009

What Sucks News... Jon Gosselin Takes Lead As Most Detestable Gosselin

In the history of the world there have been some pretty damn good rivalries- Dinosaurs V. Humans, Greeks V. Romans, Yankees/ Red Sox, to name a few. But has there ever a heated competition like the battle for who is more of a douche with in the Gosselin family than the one going on between Jon and Kate Gosselin? It’s like a battle of two heavyweights of suck, just unloading bombs on each other all the time.

Kate came out of the box fast and annoying. She was mean to her kids, she had horrible hair and a face that looked like she was constantly smelling a “poop & 7 day old possum corpse” salad.

But then there was Jon, seemingly over-matched, but not really. He began wearing Ed Hardy T-shirts all the time and then having affairs.

Kate swung back with a rumored affair with one of her bodyguards. She threw hissy-fits- began crying in public and calling the police and was publicly accused of exploiting her children.

Jon answered by having a douchey Las Vegas pool party and then began dating a 22 year-old idiot.

He must have smelled blood, because then he then went on Good Morning America and told America…

…he despised her! Game over, right? Jon and Kate Plus 8 Therapists- one for each kid!?

No. Not yet- Kate swings back, getting a gig as a substitute host on the View!

Don’t count Jon out yet- though- having an affair on the woman he had an affair with?! And having an affair with his kid’s nanny only to have the nanny say he wasn’t great in the sack? It’s on again, folks!

Current rankings of biggest douches in the Gosselin family as of today…

#1 Jon Gosselin
#2 Kate Gosselin
#3 Mady Gosselin*

*denotes a distant third.

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What Sucks...Buy This Book!

Friends of WhatSucksblog, Bob Powers (of Girls Are Pretty and The Terrible, Horrible, Temp-to-Perm Debacle) and Ritch Duncan (of Tru TV's Dumb As Blog) wrote this hilarious and cool book about how to know whether or not you are a Werewolf.

So if you're a horror fan, or just are concerned as to being a werewolf, or like to laugh, pick this thing up and check it out. Believe me, I try and avoid reading at all times, I wouldn't waste your time with needless BS.

It's called The Werewolf's Guide To Life, and you can grab it at Amazon or Borders.

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Tuesday, September 15, 2009

What Sucks Presents: The Lady Gaga Quiz!!

Think you have a keen eye? Well, if you do- and if you like challenges, I suggest you try your skill at the What Sucks Lady Gaga quiz. Now, be warned- this quiz is not for those who have weak resolves, or weak stomachs- it is tough and not everyone will pass. Here’s how you play- in the questions below, try and identify Lady Gaga- is she choice “A” or choice “B”? The answers are at the bottom. Good luck.


Which is Lady Gaga, choice A or choice B?


Who is Lady Gaga, choice A or choice B?

This one is really hard, I don’t like to give hints but here’s a closer look that may help…


You get this one and you probably go to MIT or something (Go fighting Mathematicians!). Here it is…

I guess fucked in the head is the new black.

ANSWERS: 1)a 2)a 3)b
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What Sucks...The Reaper

Good night, Swayze.

1952-2009, RIP.

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Monday, September 14, 2009

What Sucks…The Reaper

Ed. Note: Sally Field did not die.

Crystal Lee Sutton, the woman whose life story was the basis for the film Norma Rae, and subsequently Sally Field’s Academy Award Winning performance of the title character in that film, died today at the age of 68.

Crystal Lee Sutton was a single mom earning $2.65 an hour, in the early 70’s while working at a North Carolina textile plant.

Well, it being the early 70’s, $2.65 an hour was not going to buy the leisure suits and elevator shoes that were required for the times and forget about all that coke! Plus the working conditions she and other workers were forced to endure were deplorable- there was no disco ball, the company frowned on coffee breaks, much less coffee breaks key parties, etc. So this woman decided to organize the textile plant. When she told the company of her plans, they said “Oh, sure. No problem.” And that was that.

Ms. Sutton is survived by her husband of 30 years, 2 daughters and 3 sons.

Oh wait, I may have gotten that story wrong. Oh yeah, the company did the opposite of what I wrote. My bad.

Sutton (then named Jordan) lost her job and was subjected to a serious of threats. Finally, when police came to take her away from the plant she was working at, she wrote the word “Union” on a piece of cardboard- just like in the film- stood up on her work station and slowly turned around. Her fellow workers turned their machines off in a sign of solidarity and shortly thereafter the ACTWU won the right to represent the textile workers.

So, nice job Reaper. Seems the only time politicians and lobbyists work sweat shop hours its to take away the hard won rights of workers. And now today as labor is dying, you take away the woman who was the inspiration for Norma Rae. Usually, you are not that symbolic.

Here’s a symbol for you. (I’m giving the computer screen the finger.)

Crystal Lee Sutton, RIP.

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What Sucks…The Reaper

Iconic New Yorker Jim Carroll died of a heart attack over the weekend. Carroll, whose memoir The Basketball Diaries was made into a crappy Leo DeCaprio film in 1995 was a musician, writer and a poet amongst other things (a talented basketball player at Trinity high school.)

He achieved greatness in verse and song, as well as on the court despite having to feed his heroin habit by prostituting himself in Times Square. So you see readers, there’s still hope for some of you.

Jim Carroll, RIP.

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What Sucks Trend-Spotter™…A-Holes Speaking When They Shouldn’t

It’s the latest trend sweeping the A-hole nation, douchebags running their mouths, when clearly, they should STFU.

Whether in the venerable halls of Congress, or under the bright lights of the MTV Video Music Awards, A-holes across the country are speaking out in force, and then quickly being booed.

Last night at the VMA’s it was Kanye West who felt like he needed to get up on stage and tell Taylor Swift, who just won the award for Best Video, Female that Beyonce should have won instead.

Like a true a-hole, he volunteered this opinion, at the behest of no one. It’s a classic A-hole move (have you ever seen anyone ever say “Hey Geraldo Rivera, what do you think? No- they just say what they think.) Ah, the perils of yes-men. It is possible, as he was sitting in the audience and Swift won, he said to the person in his entourage who he was texting with “Taylor Swift? This ain’t right.” To which the person he was texting with may have replied. “You’re right Kanye. You. Are. Right.” Leading Kanye to get up, approach the stage and interrupt.

Had West been sitting with someone not in his employ and told them he was going up there to let everyone know he disagreed with who won, the person sitting next to him might have said “What? Sit down. What’s wrong with you?”

This is not the first time Kanye has walked on stage to comment on who was winning the Moon-Man by the way, clearly he’s part of a dying breed- people on earth who care about who wins a VMA.

Earlier in the week, South Carolina Congressman Joe Wilson spoke out at a place where he should have shut up. At President Obama’s speech to Congress on Health Care, Wilson shouted out “You lie!” when Obama referred to the part of the bill that specifically details how illegal immigrants will not receive benefits from any government plan. Wilson too, like Kayne was immediately booed. Also, like Kayne, he immediately apologized.

Now, before this happened I had no idea who Joe Wilson was, now, I know he’s an a-hole from South Carolina so yes, he may be benefiting from the exposure.

What does this all mean? Well, sadly we live in a society where trendsetters are valued. Get used to a lot more A-holes standing up and shouting things out before other people booing quickly boo them.

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Friday, September 11, 2009

Happy Birthday To WhatSucksBlog!

Thanks for reading everyone, today we're 3, we started out ugly and are now getting more and more handsome- like Brad Pitt in...Ocean's Thirteen, I think.

Anyway, so glad you've all been with me through the suckage. Be back later with a post about how we got George Bush out, but still Osama Bin Laden tans himself in a Pakistani villa.

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Thursday, September 10, 2009

What Sucks...Funny Web Video: A Day Without Cats

From the funny people over at Tru TV's DUMBASABLOG.COM

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What Sucks…Cougar Town

Man has come up with some pretty bad ideas over the course of the history of the world- napalm, the guillotine, putting Keith Olbermann on Sunday Night Football, Mormonism, etc. so for a TV show to be amongst the worst ideas he’s ever come up with, it has to be pretty f-ing bad. “Cougar Town”, just might be that kind of bad. By the way, I say this as someone who has never seen an episode of the show and did not make it all the way through the above clip.

I’m not sure who this is aimed at- do “torture porn addicts” or “women 40-50, with horrible self esteem” make up a large part of the television viewing audience, because, if so, I can begin to understand how this was made. I won’t burden you with what I have learned the show to be about, suffice to say Cougar Town seems to tell the story of a whore, with no sense of self, who has to prove who she is to her “friends” (some would say enemies) by trying to ball young men. As a post modern-ironic take on Kafka’s Metamorphosis, sure it’s brilliant, but I don’t think that’s what they’re going for.

I mean…I don’t think they’re going for that. Courtney Cox (who has not been this convincing in a role since Bruce’s “Dancing In the Dark” video) plays the lead in the show, a woman named Jules Cobb. Hmm, Jules Cobb. The initials “JC”…is she a Christ figure? I hereby reserve the right to call this show brilliant in case it’s all done in irony.

Incidentally, why are “Cougar-esque” things still being forced down our throats? I usually think of myself as someone pretty tuned into the zeitgeist, but am I missing the meetings where we are all agreeing that we’re supposed to be into f-ing old women now?

And Cougar Town sounds like the worst name ever for a PORN movie, much less a TV show. Yeesh. A town inhabited entirely by Cougars? I’d rather be in a town inhabited entirely by actual cougars.

Cougar Town is on ABC Wednesday nights at 9:30!

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Wednesday, September 09, 2009

What Sucks...Health Care As It Is Now

A friend of mine sent this to me today-

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What Sucks Plug…I’ll Believe You, Directed By Paul Sullivan

Friend of What Sucks and author of the insane baseball blog SullyBaseball, has just released the film he directed and wrote on DVD and on iTunes. It features Ed Helms, Chris Elliot, Fred Willard and Patrick Warburton, check out the trailer above!

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Tuesday, September 08, 2009

What Sucks...The Pilot Episode of Mocap, LLC!

Hey everyone, I found a site that had a couple of full episodes of the greatest TV show ever made (for 12 dollars), AKA Mocap, LLC! For those of you who have never seen it, check it out. In this episode, which is basically the pilot, we kind of try and show you all what motion capture is, who we as a company are, and how crappy we are at doing mocap. Yeah, its like the lowest budget thing ever but let's face it, this show is the defining work of our generation.

It's got the very hot Lauren Turek in it, the super funny Kara Klenk and the comic genius that is Jon Gabrus plus, thanks to the great producer, John O'Leary, we somehow pulled off a scene with a helicopter.

So yes, check it out and know that yes, this show only lasted one season, but sometimes America isn't ready for brilliance of this magnitude. After all, "Manimal" only lasted a season, as did "Cop Rock" and I am more than happy to be in that club.

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Friday, September 04, 2009

What Sucks…Quick Hits: California, Chris Brown, New Unemployment Figures, Being An Offensive Coordinator


Earthquakes, mudslides, wildfires and now pestilence. As many of my 13 readers know, normally, this is where I’d accuse California of sleeping with God’s wife- but I won’t do that this time- this time I’ll say, Hey California, what did you, key God’s car?

We do 2 jokes here, folks.

…Chris Brown

Not sure this dude gets it. He’s kind of bitching now about Oprah doing a show about domestic abuse because it is “like a slap in the face to him”. Yeah, not sure he understands what’s happening, put it this way- since he’s reemerged post-sentencing for beating up Rihanna, he’s done about 5 things in public and by far the BEST thing is wear this blue sweater and matching bow tie. And, you know, that’s not that good.

…New Unemployment Figures

We’re at 9.7 percent, which sucks- believe me, I’m in it. But the numbers are actually not that bad when you consider of that 9.7, 3.6 of it is…

…Offensive Coordinators

Jesus. Firing offensive coordinators in the NFL preseason is the new black. These guys might as well work in the auto industry for all the job stability they have.

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What Sucks…Charmin

Believe it or not, I am continuing to get email regarding my recent posts about Charmin and their love of poop. Seems when I brought it up, I touched on a nerve of the American people and it looks like your poop-loving ways are a thing of public knowledge, Charmin. By the way, good luck in limiting the damage, as the people of California know, you can blow out a candle, but you can’t blow out a fire.

This latest little bit of poo-worship on the part of Charmin came to me from reader and friend of What Sucks, Elena at, who sent in yet another example of how these freaks every thought seem to be consumed by how much they love the icky stuff that comes out of our butt-holes.

Take a look at the demonstration above and try not to feel uncomfortable. I mean I’ll never look at toothpaste the same way. Saw II through IV were less graphic. Good lord, no one on set that day had a problem with that? I heard this was the same set they shot 2Girls1Cup on!

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What Sucks...These F-ing Town Hall Meetings

What an asshole convention, people coming out of their homes to shout down other people and stand up for the rights of corrupt insurance companies to make insane profits off of sick people while not giving them the care they pay for and are entitled to.

Honestly, I don’t know what to say, we don’t deserve health care reform. If it only was as easy as death panels to get rid of some of these people- sign me up, either as executioner or victim. Special place in hell, by the way for the politicians and political hacks who feed the ignorant general public this mis-information too.

All I know is that insurance companies are the closest thing to evil corporations that exist out there. I’ve spent a large part of my life either without health insurance, or fighting for the crappy insurance I had. Don’t think UNDER-Insurance is an issue? When I was a younger person I once had a plan so crappy that when I got sick I had to “Ask Jeeves”!

What’s next? Public rallies in support of credit card companies? Wearing a ribbon on our lapels for Exxon Mobil? Why don’t we repeal iTunes so we all are forced to deal with Columbia House record club again- it’s been a while since I’ve had to mail someone back a Rod Stewart album I never wanted.

Get your shit together, America.

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Thursday, September 03, 2009

What Sucks…Glenn Beck

You think him not being able to spell Oligarchy was bad? Check out this ½ a nut-bag in this rant. Stay until the 3:35 mark where one of his cameramen walks into frame and throws a quarter into his cup.

This dude makes Paula Abdul seem lucid. He’s like what happens when Latoya Jackson F’s Dennis Hopper in Apocalypse Now.

By the way, Glenn Becks of the world, you guys are always freaking out about impending communism and Marxism like I should be frightened. I have a question for you- who gives a shit? I haven’t sweated communism since I was in grade school and the Soviet Union existed. The idea that communism was scary had a lot to do with a gigantic, hostile country with thousands of nukes pointed at us. Well, that no longer exists you ball-sacks, stop trying to scare me about communism- or Marxism! As a philosophy, without the muscle, it’s a bunch of folk musicians trying to get everyone to share. Ooh. I’m shaking.

I’ll tell you what I am shaking about though, getting gainful employment in this shit-bag economy that was wrecked by a bunch of a-holes who gave mortgages to people who had no way of paying them. I’m stressed about an economy wrecked because it became more profitable for banks to lend money to people who were not going to be able to pay it back than it was for banks to lend people money who were going to be able to pay it back, you know the mess that has been brewing for the last 20 years or so?

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What Sucks…The Mets

When I first saw this picture I thought “Jeez, so many Mets players are injured they actually had to call the Great Gazoo up from the minors.” I had no problem, by the way, thinking the Mets minor league system was so bad that they would actually have the Great Gazoo down there.

By the way, if someone was having a high stakes “Caption This Picture” contest, you know like for serious cash, my troubles would be over because I would take 1st Friggin prize with this gem…Hell-Met.

Get it? This one you CAN’T use.

Fate has been cruel to the Mets this year- and not like normal fate being cruel to someone, either. Like fate had money on the Mets the last 2 years- like fate’s wife slept with the Mets when fate was spending a weekend with the kids camping or something. Hey Mets- stop fooling around with Fate’s wife!

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Wednesday, September 02, 2009

What Sucks…Charmin: Obsessed With Poo

A day after I published a scathing report about how Charmin and the Charmin Bears are obsessed with poo, I received a number of emails from readers asking me to check out Charmin’s website, where they claim, there is a function that enables you to search the country for public bathrooms.

Sure enough, there is. Now in theory, this can actually be helpful in a way, I suppose. There is an indicator as to whether or not you should “sit” or “squat” over said toilet and there is a rating system you can employ to give the toilet anywhere between 1 and 5 stars. Helpful as this may be, it does nothing to refute my theory that Charmin is obsessed with poop.

Cottenelle for example, another leading brand of toilet paper features on their website, a cute puppy. Sure they go on to talk about toilet paper, but the site is no where near as “poop-centric” as the folks over at Charmin are.

Angel Soft plays the toilet paper trivia card, offering fun facts about the bathroom (Vikings used discarded sheep’s wool to wipe their asses) while emphasizing babies in their advertising.

Quilted Northern, another popular brand, stresses their “quilt-like” style. So I suppose, if you ever wanted to wipe your ass with a quilt, these are the guys for you. They also have a place on their site where you can learn about fighting breast cancer, which is a nice gesture. I don’t know if Charmin is trying to raise awareness of an affliction, but if I had to take a guess, I’m sure it would be against “sharting”, those sick bastards.

In conclusion, Charmin is a little too into poop and the whole poop scene. I wish I had more evidence to call them pervs, but at this time I don’t, but Charmin, I’m watching you. You’re weirdos and you’re commercials are way creepy.

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What Sucks…Pole Dancing Dolls

Come on people! Let’s aim higher!

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Tuesday, September 01, 2009

What Sucks…Charmin Bears Part 2: The Pitch

Charmin has long had issues with its advertising. For years they chose to go with a campaign that featured notable hypocrite and icon of the sexually frustrated, Mr. Whipple. Whipple’s thing was to run a super market like he was a Nazi and castigate anyone who would come into his shop who squeezed the Charmin, before exposing himself as a world-class fraud by squeezing the Charmin himself.

The lesson here I suppose was that it was difficult to resist squeezing this particular toilet paper. It also took the focus off the fact that you were watching a commercial for the stuff you use to wipe your ass. Below I’ve inserted a commercial where these bitches torment Whipple by squeezing said Charmin, him even though he goes out of his way to give these women a squeeze substitute (stuffed animals).

You can say that when it comes to ad campaigns Charmin has always marched to the beat of its own drummer, or I suppose you could also say that before pitch meetings with ad companies, executives at Charmin perhaps took a great deal of acid. Either way, I don’t know what happened at the pitch meeting for the whole Charmin Bears thing. I don’t pretend to know a lot about the ad game, but I don’t see Don Draper coming up with this campaign.


ROGER: Don’s been up with this thing for weeks. He’s had half the staff eating Taco Bell this week just so they could familiarize themselves with your product. Don’t worry, it passed the test- as you can see, everyone is...sitting pretty.

CLIENT #1: Taco Bell, without those guys, ½ of our profits wouldn’t exist.

CLIENT #2: He’s not kidding, this guy has a boat called “The Majestic Shitter”.

ROGER: Well, let’s hope we can get you back out on that boat. Don…

DRAPER: Lights please. (THE LIGHTS ARE DIMMED) Bears. In the woods. They’ve recently shat. Pieces of toilet paper- wait- I mean bath tissue- are hanging from one of the bear’s asses. His mother bear chases him around with a broom trying to clean his ass. A voice says…don’t be like this bear. Use Charmin.


ROGER: What are you thinking?

CLIENT #1: I’m thinking what to name my next boat. Don, a pleasure.


CLIENT #2: Let’s go out tonight and fuck some whores. 6PM at the Waldorf lobby?

ROGER: See you there.

Weird, creepy.

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What Sucks…Charmin Bears (Part 1 of a 2 Part Series)

So, I am definitely not the first person to talk about this, and by “talk” I mean have “wake-up-screaming-in-the-middle-of-the-night” type nightmares after seeing these commercials, but that doesn’t mean I can’t try and wrap my head around what has got to be the most disturbing ad campaign I’ve seen since AYDS weight loss system was launched in the early 80’s (Lose weight, with AYDS!)

So what to make of these Charmin Bears commercials? What to make of commercials where bears frolic amongst each other before one reveals that it has the remnants of toilet paper stuck to its ass before playfully trying to avoid its mom as she chases him, trying to clean his ass with a broom and a dust pan?

What to make of a commercial where the toilet paper stuck to a bear’s ass is actually revealed as it hikes a football to its awaiting parent?

Well one logical assumption would be to think that the person who heads up the promotional/ advertising department over at Charmin is greatly influenced, if not blatantly into German-Shit Porn and thusly a perv. But even if that is true, that is only one person who is into shit-porn at a huge corporation, does that person have the power to control the advertising campaign of an entire company? It seems unlikely that someone else would not have said something to object. What would they say, you ask? Oh, I don’t know maybe something like “Hey, who the fuck designed this commercial? Gunther who’s into shit-porn? Fire that guy!”

The more I think about it, it’s not such a stretch to think that someone into shit-porn would go work for a toilet paper making company. Its kind of like how pedophiles like to hang out at playgrounds, but I just don’t think campaign this is the work of just one man.

There’s so much to be weirded out by here, there’s the weird voice over, the insinuation by the whole commercial that toilet paper breaking off in your ass is A) a common problem, B) something that would cause a playful chase with your parent. And how about the use of a broom and/ or vacuum to remove said bits of paper from the bear’s ass. And not the least bit disturbing is the fact that if you accidentally stumbled upon this scene in the woods, it would be the last thing you’d ever see as all three of these bears would maul and then kill you in 10 seconds flat.

Coming Up: Part 2- The Pitch…

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