Wednesday, August 05, 2009
What Sucks Exclusive…Paula Abdul Quitting Idol- An Anatomy Of A Disaster
Details of Paula Abdul’s shocking exit from American Idol are becoming clearer. WhatSucksBlog.com has learned through anonymous sources close to Ms. Abdul what actually went down this morning that lead her to announce she was leaving the massive hit show that paid her as much as 2 million dollars a year. They have been able to construct this timeline…
5:35 AM: Ms. Abdul finishes off her last bottle of Vick’s Formula 44 cough syrup and falls asleep.
6:36 AM: Janitor hired by Ms. Abdul’s representatives whose job it is to pick up the bottles she goes through the night before, accidentally wakes her up when the contents of the two large garbage bags of empties tear from the bottom and spill out- the resulting crashes of bottle breaking goes on for 4 minutes and eventually wakes Paula up.
7:05 AM: A mix-up in the schedule of Paula’s handlers leads handler #1 to assume that handler #2 would be working the morning shift, while handler #2, had assumed handler #3 would be there, when handler #3 had to take her cat (named “David Forrester” by a drunken Paula) to the vet. Abdul is alone in the home.
7:13 through 9:26 AM: Abdul wanders around her home, talking to the guy who is paid to clean her pool, believing she is being interviewed by local morning show in Richmond, Va., via satellite. She is seen repeatedly talking directly into his “skimmer-net” thing.
10:05 AM: Ms. Abdul begins complaining (a familiar complaint) that American Idol isn’t paying her enough or, to use her words “all the money Canada and Panama have” (a familiar refrain for her as she thinks its funny because it rhymes).
10:16 AM: Abdul begins “twittering” furiously on a hairbrush that her 3rd assistant once gave after having told her it was a “special Blackberry”.
11:24 AM: The pool guy, whom Abdul has insisted “wait for her”, because she may want to “talk to the people of Atlanta”, grows impatient sitting on the bean bag chair Paula has assigned him to, and gets up to leave, saying “I have to get back to work, by the way, you’re twittering into a hair brush.”
11:31 AM: After verifying that she does not have a Blackberry by calling Verizon on her landline and "the brush", Abdul sets up an account on Twitter and posts her resignation.
More on this as it develops.
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