Monday, August 31, 2009

What Sucks Salutes People With Giant Balls: Rick Pitino

The way I see it, Rick Pitino has been begging to be included in a “What Sucks Salutes People With Giant Balls” entry since 1987 when he thought he could win in the NBA by making the Knicks press all the time. Well, there was no “What Sucks” back then so Pitino would have to wait. He tried again in 1997 when he took control of the Celtics and Plan A was to draft Tim Duncan and Plan B was non-existent. Again, What Sucks had not been born yet so Pitino would have to wait. Flash forward to 2009 where Pitino admitted to having an affair with a woman in a Kentucky restaurant and then paying her 3000 bucks for an abortion and still, no dice for Pitino on What Sucks until…

…he started invoking 9/11 when talking about his affair!

Dude, enough! 9-11 did not make you have an affair. Unless you were in the building, standing nude in front of this woman and the plane hit forcing you to stumble into this woman’s privates wiener first, 9/11 is not responsible for your affair or for the abortion you paid for subsequently! There’s a reason they have a ceremony on that day where they read off the names of those we lost, and there’s also a reason they DON’T read off the names of people who screwed some random woman 2 years after those buildings came down.

NAME READER: …and my uncle, Xavier Zanders.

OTHER NAME READER: Oh, yeah and let us also not forget Rick Pitino who nailed some woman in a restaurant in 2003 because of all this.

See that? It just doesn’t read right.

Rick Pitino, basketball sized nards.

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What Sucks …Dancing With The Stars

Look, I’ve spoken at length about how misleading the title of this show is. Well, this week DWTS revealed their “pairings”- that means that Aaron Carter, Kelly Osbourne and Melissa Joan Hart all got assigned their dance partners. Hey, here’s a pairing that might be good, how bout the show’s producers and a dictionary that has the definition of the word “star” in it?!

This year’s line up reads like a list of people I thought were dead! Macy Gray is alive?

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What Sucks…The Reaper


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Friday, August 28, 2009

What Sucks...Funny Web Video & Song: Rob Paravonian

My friend and all around funny and good guy Rob Paravonian (he did the Pachabel Rant) is releasing a new album of cool and funny songs called "Songs From The 2nd Floor". This is one the songs on it, Less Than You. Check it out and check out the CD.

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Thursday, August 27, 2009

What Sucks…The View

Hiring LaToya Jackson and Kate Gosselin to serve as guest co-hosts in September? What, is this, “project try and make people miss Elizabeth Hasslebeck”? What if it doesn’t work, who you gonna hire then, Susan Smith? Clone Joy Behar and have 2 of them there? Hire your first ever male co-host and put Laura Ingram on the panel? You’re playing a dangerous game, the View.

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What Sucks…Lohan’s House

Lohan’s house was robbed for the second time in 3 months! This thing gets knocked over more than lamp posts when Lindsay is driving. Among the items missing, some designer bags, Italian shoes and Lindsay’s youthful appearance.

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What Sucks…Scientists/ Doctors and The Appendix

For years scientists and doctors have said the appendix is useless, then earlier this week they come out and say maybe it’s not. All these years you think one thing, then in one day, you have to reevaluate the whole thing- let's have some consistency! Am I supposed to take another look at the existence Mark Walberg now? I ain’t doing it!

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What Sucks…Cash For Clunkers

Monday was the last day for this program where if you wanted to purchase a new car, you could receive money for your current, inefficient, outdated car. Now the only people receiving payment for inefficient, outdated cars will be American car companies!
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Wednesday, August 26, 2009

What Sucks…The Reaper

Liberal stalwart and 7&Seven enthusiast Senator Edward M. Kennedy of Massachusetts died last night at the age of 77. A 46-year veteran of the US Senate, Kennedy lived more from the early 70’s to the mid 90’s WITHOUT pants than most people live in their entire lives with them on. A tireless worker for civil rights and health care, Kennedy was among the first major political figures to endorse Barack Obama’s run at the White House and delivered a stirring address at the 2008 Democratic convention.

There will be much written on the web about this legendary figure of American politics and mine is not the copy that will be put into the Kennedy library, but I do think it is my duty to point out a few things as JFK’s and RFK’s youngest brother passes on…

Ted Kennedy drank a percentage of the booze sold in New England and had a head that I am estimating to have had to weigh at least 35 to 40 pounds. I seriously don’t know what coffin they’re gonna get that will fit that thing. Additionally, from approximately 1983 to 1991, if you didn’t see his hand on some woman’s ass, you probably would not have recognized him.

Kennedy, however, also championed health care reform and to him, for the most part, the promise of “universal coverage for all Americans” was not something to be downplayed when publicly discussing the issue. This made him very much unlike current Senate douche-mongers such as Joe Lieberman and Chuck Grassley, who insist we “really should wait” for health care reform or that young people don’t have insurance because “they don’t want it”. What an unmitigated disgrace.

Sure Kennedy could drink Shane MacGowan under the table, but at least he advocated for the rights of those less fortunate than he for a large part of his life and didn’t grotesquely shill for insurance companies, cowardly complaining that health care reform is coming at him “too fast” and bills are being “rushed”. I have a better idea Senators Kennedy left behind, do your fucking job.

Unlike far too many of his colleagues Kennedy had balls- and if you were a woman in the Boston, Miami, Washington, DC area anytime between 1970 to 1996, he probably showed you them.

Teddy Kennedy, The Lion of the Senate, RIP.

By the way, Reaper if your reading this and driving home on a bridge, go slow and be careful.

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Tuesday, August 25, 2009

What Sucks..."The Shack"

Things can’t be looking too good for Radio Shack if re-naming the place “The Shack” is what’s passing for an idea to get excited about. And yeah, I understand it may be difficult to come up with a cooler version of your name when the two words that make up that name are “Radio” (an obsolete wasteland except for people who want to be told to go out and fight for the rights of the health insurance industry) and “Shack”, but still. This is like “Poo-Poo”, changing its name to “Poo”.

If I’m a stockholder in “Radio Shack”, I’m firing whoever told me to buy that stock! The Shack? That’s your new marketing campaign? How’d you come up with the name- trying to honor the place where anyone with ownership in the company will soon be moving to?

Hey Radio Shack, you lasted a lot longer than anyone would have thought selling wires, go out with some dignity!

What Sucks Bonus…Radio Shack Marketing Department

Congrats, a-holes, changing the name of Radio Shack to “The Shack” may finally bring about the goal you dickwads seem to have had all these years- of killing off Radio Shack.

You must have been so upset after that huge campaign you did where you decided that Howie Long and Teri Hatcher were fucking did not destroy you- and even more upset when the suggestion that Ving Rhames and Vanessa L. Williams were fucking couldn't kill it either.

Well, calling the place “The Shack” might have done it, congrats.
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Monday, August 24, 2009

What Sucks…OK Magazine

Not okay!

Look, I know everyone likes Sherri Shepperd because she’s made so much progress. Few months ago she could not say with confidence say that the earth was round, now she’s on 30 Rock as Tracy Morgan’s wife, she’s hanging with MVP from WWE, and apparently she’s losing weight, but pictures and magazine covers like this are not the answer. Maybe in a medical journal but OK isn’t even read by chiropractors.

Of course, the View won’t be out-sucked when it comes to anything. (NSFW!)

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What Sucks...A Funny Web Video: Puppet Rodeo!

Puppet Rodeo

I've long been a fan of the talented Kevin Maher (he played Grundle the Wizard in an episode of Mocap, LLC) and this is his latest project, a short film series for, called Puppet Rodeo. Check it out and click on this fucker, come on- it's puppets doing rodeo!

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What Sucks…Waves, "Rogue Waves"!

As any of the 9 to 14 people who regularly visit this blog know, I have long spoke out against the liquid death trap that is the ocean. With its nasty jellyfish, horrific eels and deadly sharks looking to kill humans at every turn, the ocean is an excellent place to go if you want to die. Now it appears you don’t even have to go in the water to be killed by it.

Over the weekend, tragically, a few people STANDING NEAR the ocean, were swept up by a giant wave, residual of Hurricane Bill, and dragged out to sea. I’ll state it again, these folks were standing on a platform when, something that is being called a “rogue wave”, knocked them into the water.

A “rogue wave”. I shit you not.

Minding your own business? On land? Just hanging out? Doesn’t matter, you are now subject to being knocked on your ass by a “rogue wave” and that’s it, nice to know you, you are friggin’ dead. All because some rogue wave- a wave with some sort of score to settle, shows up with revenge on its mind. Nice friggin’ planet. By the way, I’m fine with regular, giant killer waves. I don’t need some passive aggressive bullshit wave coming at me because some other wave slept with his wife or something.

For the poor souls in Maine, a few of them were rescued, but sadly a few weren’t. Even sadder, this actually makes sense on a large scale as the best humans can often do to match up against the sea is to use small, many times wooden, boats to search for their lost, against a vast, treacherous, uncontrollable body of water whose movements are controlled by the moon.

If it doesn’t seem like a fair fight, it’s because its not.

Screw you, ocean and screw you waves.
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Friday, August 21, 2009

What Sucks...Plugs For Tonight: Ganache Cafe & VeryTrite!

If you're in Hoboken and want to catch some live music, come to Ganache Cafe at the Hudson Tea Building at 15th and Washington. This is my favorite Hoboken cafe, they let me sit here and write everyday and don't really get that creeped out when I ask them to read parts in the crime solving botanist screenplay I have been working on for the past 9 years.

Come by and have some cake- you can bring your own booze. The show starts at 6PM and it's free.

Friend of What Sucks and author of Media Yenta, Adam "Speigs" Speigleman created a very cool and funny blog called VeryTrite, to make you feel bad in case your not married (ahem, Veronica who I used to work with, who's hitting her mid 20's with NO boyfriend!)

Today ANOTHER friend of What Sucks, TruTV's Dumb as Blog, linked up to it, and you should to.

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Thursday, August 20, 2009

What Sucks...Anal Beer Bongs!

By the way, got this from Holy Taco.

Ah, where was I- oh yeah, WTHF? (What The Holy Fuck?)

A quick open letter to kids out there about to put a beer bong into their anuses.

Dear Kids:

When you're drinking, it's not just about getting drunk. There is a SOCIAL element to underage drinking. I mean, I could be old fashion, but isn't the idea here to get a girl drunk and then have your way with her? What kind of girl is going to let you have your way with her if you are doing anal beer bongs? Do you know how much more drunk you're gonna have to get her? It doesn't become cost-effective!

What's wrong with shot-gunning a beer? JESUS!

And anyone who is soaking a woman's hygiene product and putting it in their privates, YOU HAVE A HORRIBLE ALCOHOL PROBLEM. A horrible one. And I know people who have bad ones- they never stuck booze into a tampon and then shoved it in their prives.


I should not have had to post this blog entry!

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Wednesday, August 19, 2009

What Sucks…The Reaper (An Analysis)

Something occurred to me this afternoon as I was considering the Summer of the Reaper™. Yes, much has been made of what he’s done the past few months and rightly so, let’s face it, he’s been extremely active with the celebs. Put it this way- if you’re looking for a place in Beverly Hills, for the most part, it’s now a renter’s market.

And while he’s taken down some biggies, Jacko, Farrah, John Hughes- let’s not go out of our minds patting him on the back for being such a bad-ass, some of the people he’s taken were basically on their way out to meet him.

Look at this roster, I mean the Reaper-mobile could for all intents and purposes be an “Access-a-Ride” van.

Ed McMahon…86
Walter Cronkite…92
Merce Cunningham…90
Les Paul…94
Frank McCourt…78
Robert MacNamara…93
Eunice Kennedy Shriver…88
Karl Malden…97
Bea Arthur…86

Even the Taco Bell Dog was old.

I mean, yes, sure there’s some Billy Hays, Steve McNairs and Arturo Gattis thrown in there but it’s not like we’re seeing lists like…

Abigail Breslin13
Shia Labeouf ...23
Allison Iraheta ...16
Kavya Shivashankar...
Stephen Strasburg...
Selena Gomez ...
Michelle Wie...
Ian Kinsler...
Jonathan Gabrus...

Today he took the creator 60 MinutesDon Hewitt, 86 and yesterday he took the opposite of Don Hewitt, Robert Novak, 78. What I’m saying is, hey Reaper- big man, take out a bunch of old fogies, who’s next? Mickey Rooney? Joan Rivers? I’m not impressed.

Don Hewitt, RIP.

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What Sucks...Wickerman

Enjoy this video while I catch up on what is sucking, from friend of What Sucks, the Media Yenta.

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Tuesday, August 18, 2009

What Sucks…CNN Quick Vote Guy Bored or High Today

Yeah ah, no dude, I don’t think I could cook and eat my own pet, but then again, I may not be as bored or high as you right now. Really? Brett Favre, health care, a sex tape from someone in Grey’s Anatomy and there’s no better way to use you flash poll thing?

Let me save you some time for tomorrow- no I would not have sex with Angelina Jolie, if in order to do so I had to watch The Curious Case of Benjamin Button first.

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What Sucks...A Funny Web Video: American English

American English: Cracker

Please click on this funny web video from one of my favorite people in the world and one of the funniest comics you'll ever meet, Laurie Kilmartin.
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Monday, August 17, 2009

What Sucks…Woodstock

Happy 40th anniversary to a concert that had 500 thousand people and 3 Porta Johns!

My favorite part of the movie (I am way too young to have attended Woodstock ’94, much less the original damn dirty hippy fest) is when they show this huge sea of 500, 000 people all partying- having a good time- listening to the music- and then this voice comes over the PA and says "Please do not take the brown acid. Please do not take the brown acid."

Cause you know as that announcement is being made, somebody in this huge sea of people has just placed a tab of brown acid and is slowly turning around, looking up to the stage and seeing...


"What the fuck did I just take?"

Is that friggin' Bowzer? Dirty Dan? Is that Fat Lenny playing the saxophone shaped like a huge snake? What did I just take?

“Brown-dd-brown, dd-brown, dd-brown, dd, brown dd…don't take the brown acid.”

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Friday, August 14, 2009

What Sucks…The Watchmen DIRECTOR’S Cut (Catching Up Here)

There’s a DIRECTOR’S cut? You mean there’s more stuff that we didn't see in this 3 hour film about a guy with a blue dick? What was on the cutting room floor? His blue balls?

I guess I shouldn't bash this without knowing anything about it, it is possible that the director's cut of this film is an hour and 10 minutes shorter than the regular film, but that is rare.

Who will watch the Watchmen Director’s cut? I don’t know, some guy in prison who has 7 years to kill?

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What Sucks...Hillary! (Catching Up Here)

Did you see this reaction? Scientists aren’t sure what causes it, but they know that it’s the reason we don’t let our wives hang out with our friends. Correct response here by the way, I’m gonna go with “All right lady, I didn’t fuck him.”

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What Sucks…The Reaper

Yes, Les Paul lived till he was 94 before passing yesterday, but that doesn’t make the Reaper any less of an a-hole. He’s been taking so many celebrities that I actually saw character actor John Lithgow yesterday and I crossed the street because I didn’t want to get caught up in some Reaper crossfire all on account of John Lithgow. By the way, has the Reaper taken Delroy Lindo too? I haven’t seen that guy in years.

Anyway, Les Paul revolutionized the guitar, and not in the way people say “the guy from Green Day” revolutionized the guitar. He actually revolutionized it.

Les Paul, RIP.

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Thursday, August 13, 2009

What Sucks…What's Putting Mariners’ 3rd Baseman Adrian Beltre On The DL: BREAKING

Lookit, the Mariners are playing the Yankees tonight and while you want your team to have every possible advantage, no one wants this. DON'T BE SO QUICK TO CLICK THAT LINK!

Maybe I should break it to you.


I don't think I can. I can’t even write it here.

Seems no one can.

Ugh. Here goes. Click to enlarge, but why the hell would you?

I don’t have the inner strength to read any of these articles all the way through, but by skimming them over, I can kind of tell this is serious and just awful. Here are only a few of the phrases that my eyes have been seared by, that leads me to believe this has to be the worst reason for anyone to go on the DL, (and that includes Joe Theisman (pronounced THEEZ-Man))...

1) “contusion”
2) “tearing of the testicle”
3) “appointment with surgeon”
4) “internal bleeding there”
5) “month’s recovery time”
6) “no protective cup”
7) “grade 1 tear”
8) “coagulation”
9) “groin explosion”
10) “excruciating pain”

Okay, I made #9 up but imagine hurting that part of your body so bad your entire SEASON was in jeopardy? Gives me and Kristen Johnson from 3rd Rock From the Sun shivers down our spines. On the bright side, my baseball fantasy league I do with sadists is having its most exciting night yet. Okay, gonna go puke now.

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What Sucks Salutes Giant Balls…San Francisco Giant Fans Taunting Manny Ramirez For Using ‘Roids

I stumbled upon this story while reading the blog of insane baseball fan, and friend of What Sucks, Paul Sullivan’s Sully Baseball.

Sully makes some excellent points in his post like,

“hey, you’re (Giant Fans) are going to really jeer a left fielder for using PED’s?”


“…1/2 way through making your sign, it didn’t hit you?”

...and I’d like to piggy back a little on his post if I could by adding…


Now wait, let me re-check something in the picture- before I get too excited, maybe the people holding these signs didn’t know about Barry Bonds- one second. No, I looked up and none of the people holding those signs are infants. Back to the rant…

You guys are REALLY gonna jump all over Manny? Your guy took so many ‘roids I heard his testicles were recently cast as the leads in the upcoming film, “The Adventures of Two Rabbit Turds!” (I work in the business, I hear all the latest about upcoming Hollywood projects!)

Wow. I mean, good Lord- I don’t care about the size of your nards, I care about whatever the hell they make your sacks out of that you can hold those things up! It’s gotta be that “impenetrable metal chain” material Frodo used against the troll in Lord of the Rings 2.

That’s like if OJ is all of a sudden against killing wives and goes and protests Scott Peterson. Or like if AIG is all of a sudden against bailouts and goes to protest Goldman Sachs. Of if you’re at a protest against plastic surgery and you see Joan Rivers’ face protesting against Joan River’s neck!

Seriously. Stop ‘roiding your balls Giant fans, you’re not allowed to boo anyone for using until Barry Bonds’ head shrinks down to the point where it can actually fit in a hat that can be purchased “off the rack”.

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What Sucks…The Drudgereport

(Cough in the hand) Rip-off!

I know, I know a very weak entry- don't worry I'm little behind but will be back soon.

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Monday, August 10, 2009

What Sucks…Quick Hits: The Boston Red Sox, Billy Mays, Chicken of the Sea Tuna, The Mets

…The Sox

Last time someone got beat like that they were 5 years old and weren’t getting the the steps down to “Rockin’ Robin dance break”. Holy crap. Boston hasn’t been this depressed since roofies were found to be illegal. In other news, Go Yanks!

…Billy Mays

Good god, the only thing that didn’t turn up in this dude’s autopsy was Orange Glo! No wonder he wanted us to buy all that crap- he had to feed the monkey!

…Chicken of The Sea Tuna

Jessica Simpson’s retardation took the spotlight away from how stupid the name of this tuna is. Hey Chicken of the Sea Tuna, your tuna is like chicken? Who gives a shit! Chicken is not that good! I’ll try the tuna that is like the “Steak of the Sea”.

…The Mets

At least the Sox are still in the hunt for the wild card- holy friggin’ injuries the Mets are a mess. Lynyrd Skynyrd has more people walking around from its original line-up than the Mets do this year.
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What Sucks...A Funny Web Video: Mystery Team Short!

Check out this short from the upcoming film Mystery Team and go this movie when it comes to your town- it's from the guys over at Derrick Comedy- so that basically means it gonna be friggin funny.

Check it out, readers - will it kill you to watch a movie about something other than sex and feet?!

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What Sucks…The Reaper

If I were a 5th grader and had to write one of those “how I spent my summer vacation” essays (I’d always write how I caused my parents divorce, it made teachers very uncomfortable and the chances they’d ask me to re-write it were very low.) I’d probably write how this summer, I talked a lot about how the Reaper sucks. Because he seriously he is on a major douchebag run.

Late last week, he took the great John Hughes. When Hughes passed of a heart attack at the age of 59, many pointed to The Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller and the Home Alone movies as his legacy, but here’s all you need to know about John Hughes-

The man wrote and directed “Weird Science”, a nearly flawless summer comedy. He also wrote “Vacation”, and the vastly underrated “Mr. Mom”. Throw in “Planes Trains & Automobiles” and the ground breakingly racist to Asians “16 Candles”, and that’s quite a career right there, without even bringing up “The Great Outdoors”, “Uncle Buck”, “Christmas Vacation” and the three above mentioned films.

I guess what I’m saying is, if he’s not giving a standing O during next years Oscar’s dead reel, Hollywood should be nuked.

The guy gave us the “Roll ‘Em Up” scene in Vacation, “Canine Colonge” in “16 Candles” and of course the brilliant “Can we keep this between us, I’d really hate to lose my teaching job over this…” exchange between Anthony Michael Hall and the guy from The Hills Have Eyes (Michael Berryman) in Weird Science.

John Hughes, RIP.

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Thursday, August 06, 2009

What Sucks…The Animal Reaper

Unless you've been living in a cave- and I’m not talking about one of those “Osama Bin Laden” caves that has satellite TV and the full service studio from which you can make a video or audio tape whenever you feel like it, you know that the Reaper this summer has been a real serious a-hole. If you’re a celeb big or small, old or not as old, it’s been raining death, so much death that I actually missed one…

Last week (July 22nd I think), Gidget, (the name of the actor-dog) who played the Taco Bell Chihuahua in a series of mildly offensive commercials in the late 1990’s early 2000’s died at the age of 15- which, if you don’t know, is old for dogs and people in the 3rd world.

Gidget, was an outstanding actor- so good in fact that you’d be interested in knowing, he couldn’t really talk- much less do offensive accents- he was just darn good at making you think he could, and not so good at getting peanut butter out of his mouth. In addition to being in the Taco Bell commercials, he was also in the Reese Witherspoon / other Chihuahuas vehicle “Legally Blonde” as well as the very little seen Cameron Diaz romantic comedy “I Fucked Who Last Night? A Small Dog?”

He will be missed.

Taco Bell was forced to discontinue Gidget’s commercials in early 2000 after Latino advocacy groups protested the campaign, which is a sad stain on this great actor’s legacy. It was SERIOUSLY bullshit. What, a talking dog is offensive to Latino culture, yet no one has a problem with Taco Bell calling the shit they serve “Mexican food”? Yeah, a dog that speaks Spanish is wrong, but go ahead and make the food of my homeland a cheaply packaged laxative. You want to protest something? Protesting the food! "What do we want?!! To use the bathroom! When do we want it? Now!"

Sorry, I don’t like to preach but sometimes I feel I have to. Taco Bell Dog, RIP.

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Wednesday, August 05, 2009

What Sucks Exclusive…Paula Abdul Quitting Idol- An Anatomy Of A Disaster

Details of Paula Abdul’s shocking exit from American Idol are becoming clearer. has learned through anonymous sources close to Ms. Abdul what actually went down this morning that lead her to announce she was leaving the massive hit show that paid her as much as 2 million dollars a year. They have been able to construct this timeline…

5:35 AM: Ms. Abdul finishes off her last bottle of Vick’s Formula 44 cough syrup and falls asleep.

6:36 AM: Janitor hired by Ms. Abdul’s representatives whose job it is to pick up the bottles she goes through the night before, accidentally wakes her up when the contents of the two large garbage bags of empties tear from the bottom and spill out- the resulting crashes of bottle breaking goes on for 4 minutes and eventually wakes Paula up.

7:05 AM:
A mix-up in the schedule of Paula’s handlers leads handler #1 to assume that handler #2 would be working the morning shift, while handler #2, had assumed handler #3 would be there, when handler #3 had to take her cat (named “David Forrester” by a drunken Paula) to the vet. Abdul is alone in the home.

7:13 through 9:26 AM: Abdul wanders around her home, talking to the guy who is paid to clean her pool, believing she is being interviewed by local morning show in Richmond, Va., via satellite. She is seen repeatedly talking directly into his “skimmer-net” thing.

10:05 AM: Ms. Abdul begins complaining (a familiar complaint) that American Idol isn’t paying her enough or, to use her words “all the money Canada and Panama have” (a familiar refrain for her as she thinks its funny because it rhymes).

10:16 AM: Abdul begins “twittering” furiously on a hairbrush that her 3rd assistant once gave after having told her it was a “special Blackberry”.

11:24 AM: The pool guy, whom Abdul has insisted “wait for her”, because she may want to “talk to the people of Atlanta”, grows impatient sitting on the bean bag chair Paula has assigned him to, and gets up to leave, saying “I have to get back to work, by the way, you’re twittering into a hair brush.”

11:31 AM:
After verifying that she does not have a Blackberry by calling Verizon on her landline and "the brush", Abdul sets up an account on Twitter and posts her resignation.

More on this as it develops.

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Tuesday, August 04, 2009

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Ryan O’Neal Edition

…Ryan O’Neal As A Dad

In an article in an upcoming Vanity Fair, Ryan O’Neal admits to hitting on his daughter Tatum O’Neal at Farrah Fawcett’s funeral.

…Ryan O’Neal As A Boyfriend

In an article in an upcoming Vanity Fair, Ryan O’Neal admits to hitting on his daughter Tatum O’Neal at Farrah Fawcett’s funeral.

…Ryan O’Neal As A Potential Public Relations Client

In an article in an upcoming Vanity Fair, Ryan O’Neal admits to hitting on his daughter Tatum O’Neal at Farrah Fawcett’s funeral.

…Ryan O’Neal As An Actor

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What Sucks…Mood Swings During Pregnancy

Holy shit.

Look, I understand it’s completely normal for a woman to go through “mood swings” during pregnancy. But perhaps my readers who have some kind of experience with this could tell me if it is normal for you to be sitting across the table in a restaurant from someone you know intimately for the last 10 years of your life and have them say something to you so unbelievable that Charles Manson himself materializes out of the ether and says “Maam, I think you went too far with that.” Does that happen a lot? Is that normal? Holy shit.

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Monday, August 03, 2009

What Sucks…Saved By The Bell Reunions

Wait, I’m sorry- I wasn’t really paying attention here when this “movement” may have started, so forgive me but- this is happening? Saved By The Bell is reuniting? How? Why? To do what? Is this some photo-shop fake magazine cover? Did someone call for a Saved By The Bell reunion? Why would they do that? I don’t understand. I’m very confused.

Why would anyone want Saved By The Bell to actually reunite? Isn’t the joke here, person one says to person two, “Hey…let’s get Saved By The Bell to reunite!” And then person two says- “Yeah right, I wonder what Jesse Spano is doing now.” And everyone laughs and goes about trying to get laid.

But this is like person one, the next day gets a call from person two who says, “hey, I actually got Saved By The Bell to reunite…” and person one is like “What the fuck did you do that for, I was kidding, ass. What’s wrong with you?”

If anything, “Reunite Saved By The Bell” would be some new “ironic” thing a hipster douchebag would wear on a T-shirt or something. There wouldn’t be an actual reunion- there’s no reason. The show sucked. It always sucked. It was a cynical force-feeding of schlock to a Saturday morning audience in decline because networks refused to recognize the advent of Nickelodeon- something to which they’d soon cede their Saturday mornings to thus ending the beautiful tradition that was “Justice League of America”, “Sid & Marty Kroft Hour” and that weird claymation religious show “Davey & Goliath”.

There’s no nostalgic value to a Saved By the Bell reunion- it can’t get anyone- not even Zach Morris- laid. It’s without soul or redeeming purpose. Screech literally had to ask the public to help pay for his home, AND release a sex tape where he does a dirty Sanchez on it to try and remain viable AND HE’S THE MOST INTERESTING PERSON CONNECTED TO THIS THING!

We can do better than this, people! Rise up! Fight for your ironic schlock!
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