Thursday, July 30, 2009

What Sucks…Guys Who F Horses- Multiple Times!

The above video is 3:00 minutes of pure, 100 % wrongness. There are 180 seconds there, with 180 things here that are just not right. Time to live-blog something that should not be live-blogged…

:01 Technically, I’m gonna say it’s wrong that an anchorman of a local news station has to tell his news viewing public, that in the next story there will be “adult content” that “may not be suitable for everyone”. And then have that “adult content” be about someone F-ing a horse. For the 2nd time.

:13 Its also wrong for him to say “It’s a story you’ll only see on News Channel 15…” Why only News Channel 15? Is this an exclusive? Does News Channel 15 have a “Horse F-ing Reporter Beat”? Why shouldn’t all news channels have a chance to run the story? You don’t think that’s a big enough news item? “Man F’s Horse For 2nd Time”. Shit, there should be a media circus out there…

“…excuse me, Miss- are the man and the horse planning on getting married? Has the man F-ed other horses? Whose privates are hurting more right now?”

:18 It’s wrong to insinuate there was a debate being held in the newsroom regarding this story- unless the “debate” was about how F’d up was that police can’t keep a serial horse F-er off the streets. I know this reporter doesn’t mean the term “debate” as to whether or not its ethical to run the story- other horses could have been F-ed! Besides this is newsworthy. Its something you lead with. Something you break into an episode of The Bachelor for.

:23 Its wrong that when I heard “…there’s also some real pain, for a woman. who thought…” I thought, “holy shit, how many people are messing around with this horse?”

:27 This time reporter Graeme Moore points out something wrong. I agree, its wrong that a woman should have to feel the pain of having her horse sexually molested by a man, twice- even more wrong if it’s the same guy doing it, which it was.

:40 It’s wrong that when Graeme says “…not much goes on here…” you know he really should add, “I mean other than horse F-ing.”

:43 It’s wrong how much of a toll this is taking on Barbara Kenley- a simple google search reveals that she’s only 28 years old.

:51 It’s wrong that when Kenley speaks to her horse Sugar by saying “Hey whatcha doing?” Horse is unable to say, “recovering from rape. Can we get some fucking security here please?”

:56 It’s wrong for any reporter to have to say “But Kenley’s tranquil respite fell apart at the end of 2007 when she discovered a man had been having sex, with her horse.”

1:07 It’s wrong that a woman finds a man in a horse stall on Thanksgiving Day and that he tells her he had sex with her “horse of 15 years”- “and it wasn’t the first time”.

1:12 Ugh! He’s a black guy too? I AM KIDDING!!!!!!! Seriously, what is wrong with Rodell Vereen?

1:24 It’s wrong for a woman to HAVE to explain the sick feeling of having a man have sex with her horse.

1:27 It’s wrong that a man pleads guilty to a charge in relation to horse F-ing, and only gets 3 years probation- how crowded are the jails in SC?

1:34 It’s wrong that a judge who thought that forcing the guy to register as a sex offender, for F-ing a horse would be punishment enough. Judge, there is no “Secretariat’s Law”. Granted, its bad enough going around knocking on doors and introducing yourself to people as a sex offender, but that shit gets real weird, real fast when, as they are closing the door on your face you have to say “Hey wait, it was for a horse!”

1:51 It’s wrong that a woman would have to stay in the stables of her horses, keeping watch, so that a man does not come and have sex with the horses.

1:58 And it’s wrong to think, the one night she DOESN’T stay up with the horse is the night the guy comes back and molests it again. This is way beyond simple experimentation with horse F-ing. This dude at this point is a certified horse rapist.

2:01 This is where is gets even more wrong. “Her proof wasn’t solid…” Are you telling me the cops needed more to go on than what she had? How big is this police force? They couldn’t spare a guy to stake the stable out, in a pantomime horse suit? They’ve already caught this guy once! It’s a disgrace to horses that he’s out there walking the streets! Where are the police?!!? Guarding chickens? Chickens aren’t being F-d!

2:05 It’s wrong that this poor woman must install surveillance cameras- at what I’m guessing must be great personal expense (they don’t give you a discount for horse F-ing)- all to catch a dude F-ing her horse. How do you buy cameras for that?

…“Yeah, I need to set up a camera to catch a guy F-ing my horse…”

…“Yeah, whatever lady.”

2:10 It is wrong that a woman had to move her camera to “various spots” in order to get a good picture of him. (Him meaning the guy who F-d her horse.)

2:13 It’s wrong for a woman who has now had a picture of the guy F-ing her horse for two weeks, to have to catch him “red-handed”. What, are we trying to prove intent?

2:17 It’s wrong for a woman to sit in a stall, with a shot gun and have to wait for a guy to come to F her horse.

2:20 It’s NOT wrong for this woman to have caught the guy F-ing her horse and put a shotgun in his face, but it IS wrong for her to have to go through all the trouble to do it. Again, why does she have to sit there with the guy, holding a gun to his face? She should be calling some pipe-hittin’ horses and she should be getting all “Churchill Downs” on his ass.

2:23 It’s wrong that Barbara had to hold the guy there and wait for the cops. “…he didn’t resist or fight back or deny…” Damn right he didn’t, you had your goddamn gun on him.

2:28 It’s wrong she had to listen to him apologize to her. What, is she gonna let bygones be bygones? Dude, you repeatedly F-d her horse!!

2:50 It’s wrong the solicitor’s office in this town had to comment on this.

2:55 It’s wrong he can only get 5 years? This guy will be out in two- no colt is safe!

2:58 “Thanks Graeme, a judge set Vereen’s bail today at 10 thousand dollars…” 10K? There is no justice.

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What Sucks…Awesome New Video: New Dr. Tran Episode- Fruit Hat

Mark Salisbury
is an awesome animator who I’ve been lucky enough to have worked with a bunch of times. His work in designing and animating the opening of Mocap, LLC was instrumental in the show not looking like poop. Recently, he animated the latest episode the Breehn Burns created Dr. Tran- this one entitled “Fruit Hat” where a little boy is tricked into doing stuff for a chicken….aw, I’m not gonna give it away- check it out above.

It premiered the other night at Comic-Con, and as you all know, Comic-Con is where they test stuff out to see if it’s cool enough to put up here on This was. Big F-ing time.

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Wednesday, July 29, 2009

What Sucks…Catching Up On The Suck!

Blog Note: Been falling behind on a few things lately, here’s some random stuff from the last few days.

…“Take it, take it, take it!”
Alexis Cohen, the former American Idol contestant who went double bird on Simon Cowell was killed over the weekend by a drunk driving at the Jersey Shore- a needless death to be sure of a girl who I’m sure wasn’t as big a crazy person as American Idol made her out to be. That’s right, I’m saying American Idol probably distorted the perception of her, I mean they do it all the time- they’re good at it- to this day some people actually think Jordin Sparks is talented.

Yeah, I’m taking a shot at Jordin Sparks, why the “i” in the name?

Besides, I do feel a little bad about her dying, sure she was the butt of a lot of jokes but she did have it rough- I mean she grew up in Allentown- think about it- you get out of that place, you’re still either in the middle of Jersey, or Philadelphia!

…The Hall Of Fame
Awesome to see Ricky Henderson go in to the hall but I never realized how bad the Hall has been screwing Bert Blyleven until I took a look at insane baseball fan, and friend of WhatSucksBlog, Paul Sullivan and his take on how close Bert was to being a 300 game winner. Sully Baseball is right- Blyleven needs to be in the hall.

…Growing Up Maguire
Tobey Maguire’s mom getting a TV show about how she “shields” her kids from the down side of the entertainment industry…by having them be in a reality show. If this mattered in anyway in life, my head would explode. (Sorry, having trouble even feigning outrage here.) I just want to say, for this show to have happened, one person would have had to thought of the idea, another person would have had to write it up in pitch form, another person would then have to have set up a meeting to talk about the idea before 2-3 people would then have had to listen to the idea, approve it, and then pay someone money to make the idea a reality.

…True Blood
Vampires singing old-timey tunes in flapper outfits? Then having huge blood orgies? Come on! Where is the outrage!?! And who is this vibrating bitch who throws awesome parties and is constantly surrounded by an assortment of fresh fruit? (Both meanings.)

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Tuesday, July 28, 2009

What Sucks…The Mayor of Hoboken (Still): A What Sucks Update!

Peter Cammarano, the 32 year-old mayor of Hoboken (the Prague on NJ), arrested last week by the FBI for taking a $25K bribe after just 22 (22!) days in office, still won’t resign as mayor. Now his Chief of Staff has resigned and there is a daily protest in front of his home. Seriously, getting a 100 people out of their homes in Hoboken, for an event that doesn’t involve booze, is quiet an accomplishment. All signs here are pointing to the unfolding of some very, very special douchebaggery,

From what I’ve been able to gather, 25K is not very big as far as bribes go, especially in NJ, so this douchenut basically took his entire career (he’s 32) and put it up for an amount of money that can barely buy him a Honda Accord. Now, he threatens to stay in office as an arrestee (I may have made that word up) longer than he has been an actual, non-arrested mayor. Stay tuned folks, stay very tuned.

Meanwhile, the “Days Since Public Official Was Arrested” sign at the Hoboken City Hall was set to “5” earlier today. Congrats, everyone over there.

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Monday, July 27, 2009

What Sucks…The Reaper

I don’t go in for that whole modern dance thing- unless there’s nudity. Check that – FEMALE nudity. I mean, if you’re gonna dance the Trail of Tears, you know, make it worth my while. That being said, Merce Cunningham was a seriously “out there” dude who operated on an artistic level that I literally don’t have the mental equipment to understand. You can find out a lot more about him here though, and I recommend clicking on that link, especially if you’re a fan of reading eloquent remembrances of great artists (not my strong suit.)

Merce Cunningham’s career spanned more than 5 decades and he worked with everyone from Martha Graham to Radiohead. He trained dancers such as Paul Taylor and Trisha Brown. As for the Reaper, well, it took him 90 years to get to him, I guess at dances he’s just a big doofy wall-flower who can’t really shake it.

Merce Cunningham, RIP.

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Friday, July 24, 2009

What Sucks…Hollywood To America: F You!

Have fun at the theaters this weekend, as Hollywood is apparently celebrating “Turd Fest '09”.

…The Ugly Truth

I almost walked out of the trailer to this thing, and I was watching it on my computer, in my living room. Holy shit. Heigl and Gerald Butler as a couple? I rooted harder for Eva and Adolf!

Not to get tied up in the premise of the movie but, why wouldn’t the government shut down a highly trained team of commando guinea pigs? I would want a government to pull the plug on something like that and prosecute the insane man who put the program into effect in the first place.

…The Orphan
Talk about a preposterous premise- I’m supposed to believe that a 9 year white girl, psychotic or not, is still available for adoption in the USA?

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Thursday, July 23, 2009

What Sucks…Hoboken Mayors UPDATE 7:00 PM

Sorry to get all local on your asses, but as a resident of Hoboken (the Prague of New Jersey), when suck comes to my doorstep, I feel I have a responsibility to respond.

This morning, the Mayor of Hoboken, ONLY 22 DAYS INTO OFFICE- was arrested by the FBI in a wide ranging money laundering/ HUMAN BODY PART TRAFFICKING scheme that also netted – and I shit you not- the mayor of Secaucus, the Deputy Mayor of Jersey City and a bunch of Rabbis.

That makes about 100 arrests of public officials in NJ in the last 4 years (including a Governor admitting he was gay to try and avoid arrest). So I think I speak for all New Jerseyians, when I say…you ain’t shit, Louisiana.

I will be updating this as I learn more throughout the day- but so far I have been able to determine that Cammarano (Hoboken’s mayor) was arrested at 9:30 AM, so if you slipped a cash filled envelope under his door AFTER that, you still have a shot to get your money back.

UPDATE 12:15 PM: New Hoboken Mayor promises to honor all existing bribes! Congrats developers and private waste removal services of Hoboken.

Update #2 1:00 PM: Corzine aide: Governor to speak on Hoboken Mayor arrest- “Those who have given ME bribes, have nothing to fear.”

UPDATE #3 1:45 PM: Cammarano statement, I don't think he gets it: "It's an honor to wear these cuffs that have been worn by so many of my predecessors."

UPDATE #4 7:00 PM: Friend of WhatSucksBlog, Tru TV's Dumb As Blog, shines spotlight on us- check out this link to see all the jokes you read today here and on twitter, one more time!

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Wednesday, July 22, 2009

What Sucks…Humanity

Worst. Headline. Ever.

I heard the person who had to write this headline quit their job shortly after to go walk the earth and look for meaning, like the guy from Kung Fu. Sorry, I need to specify, I mean the fictional lead character from Kung Fu, “Grasshopper”- not the guy who played him who died accidentally by choking himself during masturbation, you know, so he could get off better.

What the holy fuck? I don’t know if I could write that headline – or story- I mean talk about refusal to do your job based on the “I didn’t sign up for this shit” principle. This is the stuff that motivates the guy from “Se7en”. I just want to point out that it took 3 people to have this baby have her toes bitten off by rats.

RATS don’t even let their baby rats have their toes bitten off by rats.

Shocked rats would be seen with these people, in that trailer. Hey rats, get a little self esteem.

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Tuesday, July 21, 2009

What Sucks…Sprite: Perv Watch V. 25

I have to admit, when I first heard that there was a Sprite commercial, from Germany, that was over the top, and considered highly offensive by many I was relieved when I found out that this was it.

I mean, could have been much worse. (By that I mean this, or even, this. German hidden camera shows are weird.)

Tonight, we learn that the commercial is indeed a fake and that the whole thing was done as a work of “spec”, meaning to show potential advertisers the talents of a director so that they may hire him to do real stuff, like commercials and videos.

So, you hear that potential executives looking for a possible director for your commercial? You can now have your product positioned as a dick, that spurts out more of your product positioned as “man juice”.

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Monday, July 20, 2009

What Sucks…The Reaper: UPDATED

BLOG NOTE: I literally can’t keep up with the Reaper.

Pulitzer Prize winning author Frank McCourt also passed this weekend, yesterday as a matter of fact. McCourt will be remembered for his memoir “Angela’s Ashes” which if it was even remotely true probably caused him to see the Reaper coming, and laugh his ass off as death, compared to his childhood was a walk in the park while eating a piece of cake.

Meanwhile, the Reaper is making a run for Time Magazine’s Person Of The Year.

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What Sucks…The Reaper

…A flash…apparently official…Walter Cronkite died Friday night, 7:02 PM Central Standard Time, 8:02 Eastern Standard Time, some 2 days, 14 hours and 38 minutes ago…

Over the weekend the venerable Walter Cronkite left us at the age of 92. Many of you, may not remember Walter Cronkite as his was a time when people watched the news on TV and would leave the program informed. He was often referred to as “the most trusted man in America” and just to give you an idea of where we’re at now in the wake of his passing, Greg Kihn of the “Greg Kihn Band” has inherited that mantle. Nice job, USA. (The Great Khali, of the ECW is third.)

Walter Cronkite reported the news with dignity and class. He felt that journalism was about the things that the people needed to know, not wanted to hear- a tradition carried on in today’s media by…sorry, I’ll insert a name here when the google search I did for “Dignity and Class” in TV reporting stops laughing at me.

When he voiced his disillusionment with the Vietnam, public opinion began to turn on that bullshit war. Also, he was a huge supporter of us going into space and was rightfully impressed when we landed on (read: tried to attack, but found no one there) the moon. In between those moments, and his famous, emotional reporting of President Kennedy’s death, Cronkite became the person many Americans looked to, to give them the news- bad and good, each night in their living room. Now? Name one member of the news media you’d let into your home to talk to you before you’d let in Tom Arnold. See? No one can do it.

He used to end every newscast saying “And that’s the way it is…”, the way it is now, sucks.

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Friday, July 17, 2009

What Sucks…Republican Senators During the Sonia Sotomayor Confirmation Hearings

Lookit, I know the blogosphere was all up in arms about how Republican Senators were questioning Supreme Court Justice Nominee Sonia Sotomayor in some borderline inappropriate manner- were they focusing too much on race, were they being respectful- etc. But of course like anyone else- I wrote it off as the crazy shit people on the blogs complain about.

Then last night as I was going through the transcripts of the hearings and watching the replays on C-SPAN, I came across some stuff that, well- some of these bloggers may have a point…

to Nominee Sotomayor, 12:18 PM Jul 16th
...Sing "La Cucaracha"

That's not even a question.

to nominee Sotomayor, 12:31 PM Jul 16th
"What goes in a Taco?"
Ugh! She's Puerto Rican- not Mexican!

to nominee Sotomayor, 2:47 PM Jul 16th
Mine is a 2 part question, first, how many El Caminos do you own and secondly, if confirmed, would Merengue blast from the courthouse, like all the time?
Horrible question. I'm embarrassed. And the worst one...

4:27 PM Jul 16th to Sotomayor:
Let me ask you, if we put up a fence at the border, who do you think is gonna build it?
There's no reason to quote Mencia!

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Thursday, July 16, 2009

What Sucks…Hollywood (Bridget Jones 3)

Bridget Jones 3? Really? Bridget Jones is gonna be a trilogy? I don’t have a Bible on me right now, can someone please check the index to see if that shit shows up in Revelations? What’s that you say, Bibles don’t have an index? Well, they should.

Anyway, while wasting time I could have spent bettering the world, I came across this news that Bridget Jones 3 is in development. Now, technically, this will not affect me. I did not see either of the other Bridget Jones movies, nor will I see this one, but I did see this, on Entertainment Weekly’s blog…(click to enlarge).

Look at that description. Good lord. Read it aloud if you have to. I’d literally rather read a book than see something like that. I guess the two other Bridget Jones movies made money- I guess there’s a fan base but I’m not sure why. I think I walked by the TV screen once when one of the movies was on cable and I’m pretty sure I saw her telling her story to a bunch of Vietnamese women in jail. Maybe I imagined that I don’t know. I DO know however that Renee Zellweger is not hot. Not hot skinny. Not hot fat. And I say this as a guy who’s into “women eating Sour Patches porn”. (Porn, in which women eat the candy ‘sour patches’, and thus make that Sour Patches face.)

3 Bridget Jones movies, yet my crime solving botanist (This sapling is dead- and it was no accident!) screenplay gathers dust on some Hollywood shelf somewhere.

Blog note: I know nothing about Bridget Jones or the series of Bridget Jones books.

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What Sucks...The Emmys!!!

No nomination? We were robbed!

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Wednesday, July 15, 2009

What Sucks…The National League

Seriously- 13 losses in a row? And for 8 of those years you’ve had Albert Pujols on your team? How much better can American League steroids be than the ones you guys take? Can’t you go ahead and splurge once in a while and get the “good stuff”? And nice job last night starting Kelly Leak. (See pic below).

13 loses in a row? You guys are quickly becoming the crotch grabbing, tobacco juice spitting, Susan Lucci, or for anyone who’s worked with her would know, Susan Lucci!

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Tuesday, July 14, 2009

What Sucks Salutes Giant Balls…Joe Jackson

Speculating that the world may be interested in seeing Michael Jackson’s kids tour- as the Jackson 3- then saying that perhaps you’ll put that tour together for 2010?

Huge balls. Seriously.

Dude, the last performer you tried to shepherd into show business became a such a drugged out, walking punch line that no one will ever paid attention to a thing they said- (say it with me, America…) but enough about Latoya! (Audience rises to feet, throws roses.)

Seriously, haven’t you learned anything from the life of your son Michael? When will you be satisfied? When Blanket and Paris Michael install bunk beds in an oxygen chamber? When your wife as legal guardian of the kids is asked to co-sign for a Tilt-a-Whirl bathroom as an addition to the house that Prince Michael 1 is planning?

If you are to believe anything about your son, by all accounts he was painfully shy, yet even he- had to courage to call you out as an abusive wacko. A 3rd generation of Jackson performers is bad news for everyone.*

*denotes: except people who sell satin surgical masks.

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Monday, July 13, 2009

What Sucks…The Reaper

The reaper is getting a run for his money these days from psycho girlfriends. Whether its Steve McNair, or as it was over the weekend Arturo Gatti- I have to say, I’d almost rather take my chances with the Reaper- he may kill your ass, but at least he won’t get all psycho on you when you least expect it.

Arturo Gatti- as you can see here in a much more elegant way than I can deliver, was a warrior in the ring. His heart was giant and he fought with a passion seldom seen.

RIP, Arturo Gatti.

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What Sucks…Pins and Needles

“Fuck. Can’t…move…arm. I’m dying.”

“Holy shit! I can’t feel my arm, I’m dying!”

“I’m scared, there are thorns inside my skin. My arm feels like it weighs 30 pounds.”


All of the above are commonly uttered phrases by people, still groggy, waking up and experiencing Paresthesia, regularly known as “Pins and Needles”.

So, yes, and to use a medical term, WTF? Pins & Needles blow. What, I fall asleep awkwardly on my arm, then wake up, groggy and am forced to have a heart attack because I think I’m slowly dying limb by limb?

Thank you, Creator (or “God” if you’re insane) for this amazing sensation and condition of the human experience. I am only thankful throughout the, ahem 27 years of my life, I haven’t fallen asleep awkwardly on my “privates” (read: dick).

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Thursday, July 09, 2009

What Sucks...El Vacio: Breakroom Drama!

El Vacio: Breakroom Drama

An interview with Lowell Kennedy, from the new breakout drama, “Breakrooom Drama”.

WhatSucksBlog: So great for you to be here with us, we’re big fans of the show.
Lowell Kennedy: Thank you, great to be here.
WhatSucksBlog: So you play…
Lowell Kennedy: I play the character of Lance on the show. It’s a great role, very challenging, a lot of fun.
WhatSucksBlog: That’s great, I understand you originally read for the part of “new guy”, in the early stages of the show.
Lowell Kennedy: I did. Yeah, I came in, I read for “new guy” and the director and creator, Lebron James- ha, not the basketball player- said, why don’t you read for us this Lance character. At that time he, Lance was written as a 28 year old, character from Queens, and I was 26 and living in Brooklyn so, yeah it was a little bit of a stretch for me.
WhatSucksBlog: Well, not too much of a stretch, you got the part.
Lowell Kennedy: (Laughs) Yes, that’s true and thank god.
WhatSucksBlog: Do you have fun working on the show?
Lowell Kennedy: I do, but you know it’s a lot of hard work. We’re in that breakroom for a while, we’ve taken to calling it the “war room” because things get pretty intense in there. But the show is so amazing and the writing is so good- I think it’s like the new West Wing.
WhatSucksBlog: I’ve seen you tackle some heavy subjects…
Lowell Kennedy: The first show we did, the office loses it’s wi-fi, there’s no Spenda left- I read the script and I was like, okay Lebron- not the basketball player- looks like we’re jumping right into the shit here with two feet! I can say that, right?
WhatSucksBlog: Ha, ha, ha. Yeah don’t worry no one is reading this.
Lowell Kennedy: So yeah, anyway, we shoot in a real break room, which adds to the authenticity. And Lebron, well he’s the best at what he does.
WhatSucksBlog: I have to ask you about your co-star. We’ve heard rumors.
Lowell Kennedy: Ah…here it comes…
WhatSucksBlog: So what’s the deal, are you and Rebecca St. Monray an item? And is it true that you…
Lowell Kennedy: …met in the breakroom of this show? Yes. Weird huh, that this show would have a breakroom, and the show IS a breakroom.
WhatSucksBlog: Well, what’s it gonna have a “workroom”? Ha, ha, ha.
Lowell Kennedy: No. I…anyway, I guess everyone knows about it because wee were walked in on. We had sex in the breakroom of the show Breakroom Drama. Ironic. Anyway, Rebecca St. Monray, who plays Margot Savage by the way in the show, is an excellent actress, what happened between us happened and there’s nothing we can do about that but she’s decided to go back with her husband and 3 sister wives. She’s Mormon.
WhatSucksBlog: I wonder if that will work its way into a script someday soon- the breakroom stuff.
Lowell Kennedy: You never know with Lebron James, anything is possible.

El Vacio is on

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Wednesday, July 08, 2009

What Sucks…Al Sharpton

“There weren't nothing strange about your daddy. It was strange what your daddy had to deal with…”

Really? What did he have to deal with? Housebreaking a chimp? Feeding the giraffe in his backyard?

Nothing strange? This isn’t even true if you’re talking about the actual biological father of these kids!

And, hey- crowd at the Staples Center- sit down! How can you give a statement like that a standing ovation? I know you’re trying to show support for the kids- but you’re applauding a bozo who just said to Michael Jackson’s kid that there was nothing strange about their daddy, and one of those kids is named “Blanket”!

Blog Note: one thing I will say is, I have no problem believing that MTV would not play Michael’s early videos and in fact had to be threatened by the President of CBS records before they did- those people are responsible for Parental Control- you think that’s their only instance of evil?

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Tuesday, July 07, 2009

What Sucks...Buy My Friend Bob's Book!

Since there seems to be nothing much going on today...I thought I'd take a second to point out that friend of WhatSucksBlog, the very talented and super funny Bob Powers latest book, "The Terrible, Horrible Temp-To-Perm Debacle" came out today, so do yourselves a favor, stop searching the internet for "Foot Porn", for a minute and go buy it.

His last book, "You Are A Miserable Excuse For A Hero" just got picked up for a movie by the guy who did "High Fidelity", so today is kind of a good day for him.

Monday, July 06, 2009

What Sucks…Quick Hits: The Media & Michael Jackson, Michael Bay, Al Sharpton Part 1, Al Sharpton Part 2!

…The Media & Michael Jackson

Enough already, I saw Diana Ross interviewed the other day and she said when she heard the news, “a little part of her died”. Yeah- her cheekbones and nose! This is overkill, even Corey Feldman is turning down interviews at this point.

…Michael Bay

Look it, if you want to make robots racist, that’s one thing, but telling the sweet and lovely Megan Fox to “grow up” because she calls Transformers 2 a movie about special effects, is going too far. And PS- how exactly did you tell her that? “Hey Megan Fox, grow up! Now, if you will all excuse me, I have to go hang two giant wrecking balls from the legs of a Deceptacon so it looks like he has nards, because, you know, I have a serious film on my hands here.”

…Al Sharpton Part 1

Calling for a Michael Jackson postage stamp!? Yeah, great, a stamp where you have to sign a waiver saying you won’t sue before you're allowed to lick it!

…Al Sharpton Part 2

Calling for the media to back off and citing “different standards” they have in covering “black and white performers"? Dude, we’re in uncharted territory here, covering a “black AND white performer!" (no "s").

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What Sucks…The Reaper

Sometimes the Reaper robs us of someone in the prime of their lives, other times he takes the architect of the Vietnam War at the age of 93. The Reaper is weird like that. But then again, why would he take Robert McNamara early, the guy was good for the Reaper’s business, right?

For those of you who may not know, Robert McNamara was the guy who was so great in the 2003 Oscar winning Errol Morris film “The Fog Of War”. Problem was, to be in it, he had to be the Secretary of Defense for much of the Vietnam War.

A very bright man, McNamara graduated from the University of California at Berkley and then, later on, Harvard where he was voted “most likely to fuck up the country: America and Vietnam divisions". So weird how those polls can be so right. In addition to being in charge of Vietnam War, he was also put in charge of US Policy of Nuclear Deterrence in the 60’s. So, ah, how’d that go?

Oh yeah, before I forget, he was also in the room for the Cuban Missile Crisis and the Bay of Pigs. Some guys are always at those parties where two cute girls have a little too much to drink and kiss, Robert McNamara was always at that party where the world and the country were either on the brink of disaster or knee deep in it.

Wait- breaking news- a crane just collapsed in hell- a lot of damage, seems a new arrival knocked something over…let me see if I can find out more…

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What Sucks…The Reaper

Clearly the Reaper is going for Employee of the Month or something. Maybe with the economy in the shitter he’s working on a commission? I don’t know.

Steve McNair was an awesome quarterback for the Tennessee Titans and Baltimore Ravens. He went to college at Alcorn State where he just kicked ass. He played in one of the most competitive Super Bowls ever and came literally one yard from being a world champion. From all accounts he was a well respected leader on the field and a mentor to young players everywhere.

So of course, the reaper took him at at 36.

Steve McNair, RIP. On a personal note, I’m getting sick of telling everyone the Reaper sucks.
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Friday, July 03, 2009

What Sucks Classic: Hooks For Hands: Happy 4th!

Be careful out there!

There’s plenty to be careful out there about- you want to avoid drunks on the road, you want to not exert yourself too much in that game of softball you may play tomorrow, you want to try to not burn your privates on a hibachi- but most of all you want to be as careful as you can around the fireworks.

Why? Because if you become like those people we’ve all been told about or read about who got too close to an M80 or a Blockbuster and you blow up your hand, the ugly truth is that doctors can’t help you. They can just put hooks on your arms where your hands have been.

“Gee thanks doc for these hooks. This is MUCH better. Now I have no hands and scare the shit out of little children. Thanks a lot. Sure you could somehow manage to put a dead puppy on the end of my arms, cause I want everyone to have nightmares.”

Fireworks suck anyway. Seriously, haven’t you seen everything they have to offer already? What new have they come out with? Keep a safe distance and keep your hands! Ever try and touch yourself with hooks?

Yeah, I’m the bad guy from the Fugitive, but those fireworks were great!

Happy 4th. I’ll be back on Monday.
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What Sucks…The What Sucks True Blood Watch: Episode 3 Season 2

5 things Vampires did to make it seem it may not be a bad thing to have sex with them…

1) Vampire Jessica- so hot in that yellow dress, sweetly sharing a drink with Hoyt in the bar
2) Vampire Bill rushing heroically to save Sookie’s life after she was attacked by a monster in the woods.
3) That sexy Vampire Pam and how great she looked in those pumps!
4) How nice it was for Bill to go shopping for Jessica at the mall, and how nice it was for Eric to join him . Vampires shop in malls just like us! ☺
5) The way Eric helped out Bill when he needed someone to treat the cuts on Sookie’s back! (They must truly be old friends!)

5 things they did to make it seem that it may actually be, a bad idea to have sex with them…

1) Eric literally devouring a redneck he was keeping in his basement and tossing his limbs at Lafayette, who was chained up, being held prisoner.
2) Eric, Pam and that other vampire viciously feeding on a weakened and chained up Lafayette.
3) Eric “responding to threats” from Sookie, by snapping and viciously showing his fangs at her when she demands he release Lafayette from the ad hoc dungeon in the basement of Fangtasia.
4) Vampire Jessica unable to control her fangs and diving at Hoyt’s neck as they kiss on the couch.
5) How Bill viciously shows his fangs to Hoyt, while holding him by the neck after catching him kissing Jessica on his couch.
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Thursday, July 02, 2009

What Sucks…Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag

You know, I’ve been on the fence as to whether or not I thought 9-11 was an inside job perpetrated by our government, but now that Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, or “Speidi” as they are sometimes called, or “Retardo” as they are also sometimes called, or “Douche-bot 2000” as they are also sometimes called, have come out publicly and said they too believe it was a conspiracy, I have to admit, it’s probably not.

Forget that there’s absolutely no proof whatsoever. Forget that the main tenet in any conspiracy centers around a government that is suddenly competent enough to pull something like that off, the fact that these two champions of a-holishness have come down on the side of wack-job 9-11 “proof-seekers”, has to be the most compelling reason to believe things actually went down the way they appeared.

As a matter of fact, I’d venture to say that even the most strident conspiracy believers will have to take a long look in the mirror after finding out his position is supported by these two empty header douche-clowns.

In closing let me be clear about 2 things. Spencer Pratt is a world-class douche and 9-11 was not an inside job. It just doesn’t jive mathematically, look-

Let P = Spencer Pratt is a douche.
Let Q = 9-11 is an inside job.
Let K = Spencer Pratt believes 9-11 is an inside job

P + K = Q? That just can’t be right. Sorry, conspiracy freaks.

BLOG NOTE: I know I have a lot off mathematicians who read the blog- I apologize for the sorry example of a logic problem above.

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Wednesday, July 01, 2009

What Sucks…The Reaper

The Reaper is clearly having a mid-life crisis or something. I don’t know what’s with him- maybe he’s trying to impress a chick somewhere- hey Reaper! She’s not gonna hook up with you- YOU'RE THE REAPER! Everything you touch dies! She’s not impressed! You’re not the type of guy who gets the girl- unless she’s dead, then you get her!

The Reaper-Bus is beginning to look like the couch on one of Johnny’s shows right before he went on vacation or something.

Karl Malden
, WW2 veteran, who was an Emmy and Academy Award winning actor, and great in “On The Waterfront” (filmed in Hoboken, the Prague of New Jersey, by the way), is dead at 97.


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What Sucks…Pink Ouija Boards!

Look, it’s bad enough that these things are toys- (great idea by the way- “This Christmas…give your kid a portal to hell!”) but do we need to market them so blatantly to young girls? You think the devil is gonna wanna answer questions like “Is Kevin Martin gonna, like, ask Caitlin Walker out or is he totally into Nicole Bonner?” Satan may not be able to take that, and that dude lives in hell.

And the pink color? What, are we trying to contact the spirit of Paul Lynde?

Honestly, there was a marketing meeting one day and someone said – “Hey, the Ouija Board- how are we gonna move these things? Anyone? Anyone have any ideas?” Yeah, I was thinking maybe make it pink and package it with a nice over the shoulder bag!

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