Friday, June 26, 2009

What Sucks…The Reaper

The world’s weirdest man is dead.

Put it this way- the guy made a 9-minute music video where natives stalk a lion in the middle of the Sahara dessert and George Wendt drops from the sky, in a Barcalounger because Macaulay Culkin hit a power cord on a guitar the night before and shot him into space- and that doesn’t REMOTELY land on anyone’s radar as something “weird” he’s done. (In extended version he dances and turns into a panther!)

If you took away the fact that he has been accused of child molestation twice, admitted to sharing his bed with young boys in a television interview, shook an infant over a balcony, regularly wore a surgical mask in public to hide a horribly deformed nose, married Lisa Marie Pressley as a publicity stunt, had a pet monkey named “bubbles”, calls Uri Geller a friend, owned llamas, became white, and showed up to court in pajamas…he’d still have to answer for selling out the Beatles catalog to commercials and having the word “Neverland” in his address.

There is not enough time in the world to go over all his weirdness in any detail. There are more stories than there are grains of sand on the beach. Not enough room on all the pages of all the books in the world. He’s like the Jesus of weird dudes.

Here is just a short list of weird shit he’s done. Please feel free to add your own in the comment section.

Owned a petting zoo.
Owned a giraffe.
Constantly wore one, single glove.
Allegedly had sex with kids.
Routinely made 10-minute (or over) music videos, even after the music video as an art form ceased to be relevant.
Collaborated with Eddie Van Halen and Vincent Price on one of his albums, overshadowing that he collaborated with Paul McCartney on same album!
Collaborated with Slash on one of his albums.
Called Tommy Mattola a “racist”.
Made a singular video that starred himself, Chris Tucker, Michael Madsen and Marlon Brando!
Made the world’s longest music video (Ghost- in which he plays a white dude).
Made the world’s most expensive music video (Scream- with his sister).
Co-wrote “We Are The World”
Was on crutches in 2002 because he was “bit by a spider”.
Sang the “I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me” part in that song “Somebody’s Watching Me” by Rockwell.
Was rumored to have slept in a hyperbaric oxygen chamber- turned out it may not have been true but rumor was started by HIM!
Had somewhere between 5-8 nose jobs, at the fourth one he put a cleft into his chin.
Claimed his pet monkey Bubbles shared his toilet and cleaned his room.
Was wished a “happy birthday” by Britney Spears at the 2002 MTV Video Music Awards and interpreted it to be an award for being “Artist of the Millennium” and gave an awkward thank you speech.
Tried to buy the bones of the “Elephant man”- again may not have been true but rumor was started by HIM!
Hair went on fire during the filming of a Pepsi commercial.
Had a Ferris wheel on his estate.
Named himself “The King of Pop”.
Performed in a wheelchair at the Soul Train Awards.
Was proclaimed “King Sani” during a trip to the Ivory Coast and sat on a golden throne to watch a dance recital.
Named all his kids “Michael”- even the girl who is named “Paris Michael”.
Named another kid “Blanket”.
Allegedly made a kid drink “Jesus Juice”, which later turned out to be “wine.”
Released a film with Joe Pesci.

I will now interrupt this list to insert a clip here where Michael Jackson pulls up in a Batman golf cart, holding a giant umbrella and climbs a tree with television journalist Martin Bashir.

Was best friends with Liz Taylor.
Was best friends with Diana Ross.
Was very close to Macaulay Culkin and Corey Feldman.
Took Emmanuelle Lewis with him to an award show and had him sit on his lap. Was at same award show with Brooke Shields.
Did a video directed by Martin Scorsese.
Did a video directed by David Fincher.

RIP Michael. Ashes to ashes, plastic to dust.

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Anonymous said...

that was one strange mofo.

Anonymous said...

You forgot to mention that he intentionally made himself look like a character from "Planet of the Apes". Probably the girl one.

MMayes said...

Bye bye Pasty Pedophile. Say hi to Hitler and Jeffrey Dahmer.

Anonymous said...

who is the new "world's strangest man"?

Rev. J said...

Judge not least you be judged. He was brilliant. You are jealous! He died innocent and loved. You will not say the same.

Anonymous said...

1) He was NOT weird. You don't know about him. During the Jackson 5, his dad would come to rehearsal with a belt. He grew up without any love from his father.
2) He gave so MUCH to us.
3) YOU'RE WEIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!