Wednesday, June 10, 2009

What Sucks...El Vacio: Don't Sleep With Jessica Larson!

El Vacio: Jessica Larson

Please watch this video, click on it a bunch and take to heart this important Public Service Announcement regarding sleeping with Jessica Larson. If you're not convinced, please read below.

Things Jessie Larson has done for which she is apparently not accountable for:

“…I’m a divorced dad of two so naturally you’re always a little hesitant to bring a girlfriend figure around your kids as divorce is such a sensitive topic. Jessica assured me that everything would be all right so we planned to spend an afternoon together, with my kids at Schultz Park on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. It turned out to be a horrible decision by me as Jessica proceeded to demonstrably hit on not only my son who is 9, but my daughter who is 8, as well. I finally had to ask her to leave when she attempted to get the face-painter in the park to draw “a dick” on my son’s forehead and reacted violently when he refused. She should not be dated by anyone who values family.” -Albert Lanier, NYC

“…I woke up from a night with Jessica Larson to find her frantically searching the desktop of my computer for any passwords she could get her hands on so she could get into my bank accounts. When I asked what she was doing, she demanded I tell her my childhood pet’s name and the birthday of my mother. I refused and then she told me I was now infected with Chlamydia. At the time I already had Chlamydia so I wasn’t that concerned but she told me that my Chlamydia now had Chlamydia. Sure enough, later that day I went to the doctor’s office and he told me she was right. She had given my Chlamydia, Chlamydia. I think we made a medical journal.”
-Neil Brackman, Boulder, CO.

“Jessica Larson worked for me from September 2006 to February 2007. As an employee she was excellent. I work at a pen dealership- high end pens- and she sold more pens than anyone I ever employed. She set up international accounts and in 3 short months we had improved our sales by an astounding 250 percent. In early January she suggested we go out to celebrate yet another new account- this time with the republic of Burma. After a few glasses of wine, she began dating our waiter. In the course of 2 hours I watched her stab him twice and alienate him from his sister to the point where I don’t think now they are even good. Leaving the restaurant, she had somehow talked me into moving in with her. The next morning, after a torrid night of love making, she was gone and I had was doctors are calling now, a ‘double UTI’.”
-Michelle Galt, CEO Penpoint Int., Montgomery Alabama

“On November 9th, 2008 Jessica Larson killed my partner John Drennings by locking him in my patrol car and submerging it in an Olympic sized swimming pool.”
-Capt. Luis Rivera, Nevada State Trooper, Carson City, Nevada.

“I lived with Jessica Larson for 12 years, 11 of which she was “out of town on business”. In the final year that we were together she told me that she never really had a job- other than a brief time when she was an international pen saleswoman- which in retrospect I assume is another lie, and wasn’t really out of town at all, she was just spending every night out with other men. Every night of 11 years. That’s over 4000 nights out. Some kind of warning system should be put in place so that people do not sleep with this woman. I applaud the efforts of these courageous men.”
-Joel Youngblood, Milwaukee, WI.

(translated from it’s native Korean)
“I first met Jessie Larson when she was interning at the US Embassy in Seoul. She told me she was “dying” for Korean barbeque. When I offered to take her, she was elated. That night we went to the best Korean barbeque place I knew but Jessie seemed very sad. I asked her what was wrong and she began crying, telling me that I had promised to take her to Korean barbeque and why were we at this place, she was not even hungry. I of course told her we WERE at a Korean barbeque at which time she asked “really?” and then proceeded to go to each man in the restaurant and give them a ‘minishqu’ (Korean slang for hand job). I was mortified. The police were called and she was removed from the country. A few months later I received a letter from her and when I opened it a powder fell out of it and in the envelope was a note that said ‘I hope your crabs like crabs.’ I quickly threw the letter away, but yes, she compounded my situation.”
-Jin Soo-Pei, Customs Agent, South Korea.

This is El Vacio on

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This wouldn't be so bad, but my name is Jessica Larson xD