Tuesday, May 26, 2009

What Sucks…The Green Giant

Like many of you, I have long been haunted by the question- ‘why is the Green Giant not a superhero?’

He had all the tools. Size. Strength. He even had a sidekick! Bean Sprout. He could have been one of the greatest superheroes ever, but somewhere along the line instead of fighting crime, he chose to farm. What a disappointment.

I guess sometimes life deals you some funny cards and you do the best you can with the hand you're dealt...even if that hand involves agriculture.

Why, Green Giant, why?!! Why did you farm?!!! You had all the tools! You were a Giant! What went wrong?!

How many nights did I sit on the edge of my fire escape, ready to fall off just so that the Green Giant would notice me. "Don't worry, the Green Giant will be here any minute to save us. Isn't that right Green Giant?" But no. It wasn’t right- it was harvest time and they only way I was going to see the Green Giant was I was a migrant farm worker up in Minnesota.

How could this have happened? You don’t need to be super tall and strong to farm! What advantages do you really get?! Reaching up to a tree to pull off an apple? You weren’t an orchid owner- you worked in corn and green beans! You don’t see Aquaman leaving his sea crime responsibilities because he wanted to be a pastry chef! If anything, he’d still do the pastry chef thing but on the side!

And you know whenever the Hall of Justice had some kind of event, and needed catering the Green Giant was there. How awkward was that? Superman would come up to him, "Hey Green Giant, good string beans." Green Giant, you could have been on the other side of that table!!! You're at a party with the Green Lantern! "Green Giant, you are a giant you have power. He is a lantern, he has light."

Bullshit. You stand for frozen produce! My cat's stuck in the tree, don't worry, I'll call the fire department.

1 comment:

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