Friday, May 29, 2009

What Sucks...Mocap LLC Season Finale Tonight!

Thanks for watching this season- let's hope we come "back" (ahem, look up.)

I'll get the shows posted here as soon as I can, Spike for some reason is not posting them on their site, feel free to curse them out.

Tonight's show is about Fantasy games- Jeff is pumped.

I know, I spelled Wiest wrong- it was 3 in the morning, cut me some slack, Jack.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

What Sucks…“Hang In There Kitty” Posters

Who is putting kittens in such precarious positions? Hang in there? Call a fucking fireman!

This is supposed to inspire me? In what kind of a world do people put kittens in life-threatening situations for the purpose of trying to make YOU feel better about your day job.

“Hey, let’s almost kill a baby cat so that Veronica in accounting doesn’t get too much of a case of the Mondays”!

And what exactly are we “hanging in there” for- if you want my respect, be more specific!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Chris Brown, Real Housewives of NJ and DC, Jon & Kate Plus 8, North Korea

…Chris Brown Saying “I Am Not A Monster”

Dude, you beat Rihanna till it looked like she had horns and besides, the people who say “I am not a monster”…

…are usually monsters!

…Real Housewives if NJ

Real Housewives of DC is coming now too? I think after Atlanta, Orange County, New York, New Jersey this speaks to not only the incredible popularity of this show, but also to the fact that as a country, we have a shit-ton of aging bitches.

…John And Kate Plus 8

I know the ratings are up, but this is not looking good at all- this continues on the track its on, they’re gonna have to change the name of the show to Kate Plus 8, Jon Plus 8 On Alternating Wednesdays and Weekends!

…North Korea

Brazenly testing nuclear weapons and missiles, China is getting pissed at you and they don’t mess around, if I were Kim Jong Il, I’d be nervous- have someone tasting my dog before I bit into it every night!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

What Sucks…The Green Giant

Like many of you, I have long been haunted by the question- ‘why is the Green Giant not a superhero?’

He had all the tools. Size. Strength. He even had a sidekick! Bean Sprout. He could have been one of the greatest superheroes ever, but somewhere along the line instead of fighting crime, he chose to farm. What a disappointment.

I guess sometimes life deals you some funny cards and you do the best you can with the hand you're dealt...even if that hand involves agriculture.

Why, Green Giant, why?!! Why did you farm?!!! You had all the tools! You were a Giant! What went wrong?!

How many nights did I sit on the edge of my fire escape, ready to fall off just so that the Green Giant would notice me. "Don't worry, the Green Giant will be here any minute to save us. Isn't that right Green Giant?" But no. It wasn’t right- it was harvest time and they only way I was going to see the Green Giant was I was a migrant farm worker up in Minnesota.

How could this have happened? You don’t need to be super tall and strong to farm! What advantages do you really get?! Reaching up to a tree to pull off an apple? You weren’t an orchid owner- you worked in corn and green beans! You don’t see Aquaman leaving his sea crime responsibilities because he wanted to be a pastry chef! If anything, he’d still do the pastry chef thing but on the side!

And you know whenever the Hall of Justice had some kind of event, and needed catering the Green Giant was there. How awkward was that? Superman would come up to him, "Hey Green Giant, good string beans." Green Giant, you could have been on the other side of that table!!! You're at a party with the Green Lantern! "Green Giant, you are a giant you have power. He is a lantern, he has light."

Bullshit. You stand for frozen produce! My cat's stuck in the tree, don't worry, I'll call the fire department.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

What Sucks...Mocap, LLC FRIDAY NIGHT! 1:30 AM SPIKE!

Guitar shaped controllers- essential for a music game? Or just bullshit? Tomorrow night on a very special MoCap, LLC.

The ultimate music game: Scott Weiland Hero.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

What Sucks Presents…The Night Before's Tweets!

While, I’m not really crazy about Twitter- I am starting to find if you keep up with it here and there, sometimes it can be useful in shedding light on certain stories in the news. It didn’t hit me until last week when I saw this…

And I remembered I saw this tweet the night before…

And then there was that story that Madonna was gonna get married again- to some 23 year old dude named Jesus Luz…

…who I’m thinking kind of had a different idea about the whole thing.

And sometimes seeing a tweet from the night before bleeds into something as big as American Idol, when Katie Perry wore this cape...

Which was confusing until I found out what she was thinking…

WhatSucksBlog is now on Twitter, follow it for useless, infrequent updates at:

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

What Sucks...This Soup!

"Flavored" is the word you're gonna sweat changing? Come on, Grace, makers of Cock Flavoured Soup! Flavoured is not the word you should be paying attention to!

Monday, May 18, 2009

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Maxim, The Lives of the Kids From Slumdog Millionaire, Arizona State


Maxim’s “Hottest Women in the World” list has Michelle Obama at number 93! Have some respect, she’s the first lady, not the “93rd Skank”. What is this, “Change You Can Touch Yourself To”?

…Maxim V.2

Jennifer Love Hewitt at # 10?! What, are we all in Lost and have been transported back to 1999? Who’s voting for her, ghosts? (She’s the ghost whisperer, Ben From Unleashed.)

…The Lives Of the Kids From Slumdog Millionaire

Was Slumdog Millionaire a documentary? Did I miss that whole thing? Was THAT why it won so many awards? Because it was a stark, gripping documentary? Because I thought the kids in that movies were playing CHARACTERS, and that they were kind of acting, not you know, having horrible shit happen to them, you know, like for reals.

…Arizona State University

Refusing to give Obama an honorary degree because you claim he hasn’t done enough to merit one? Seriously, ARIZONA STATE? You’re sure you can’t give one to him, not even from your renowned ‘School For Enormous, Pumpkin Sized Balls Studies?’ The University of Phoenix wouldn’t fuck this up as much as you did, I can’t believe this isn’t more of an outrage, oh wait...oh right. I get it. What the fuck is he gonna do with an honorary degree from Arizona State? Right. My bad.

Friday, May 15, 2009

What Sucks…Mocap On TONIGHT 1:30 AM SPIKE!

Tonight Mocap, LLC takes on the environment and big oil as they mocap the world’s first “Green Game”. Here’s a sneak peak.

What Sucks…Twittering From Space

Well, it happened, an astronaut tweeted from space the other day. The landmark tweets were “Feeling great, launch was awesome!” and “Getting ready for our first space walk.”

Great. Dude, you’re in space and you can’t fill the 140 characters? Is space as boring as everything else people twitter about? Here’s another one he sent: “Enjoying the magnificent views.” Are you orbiting the earth, or with my mom on an Alaskan cruise? So space is as boring as everything else someone twitters about?

What Sucks…Miss California Vol. 3

Before we close the book on this, Shanna Moakler is right- Miss California needs to stop lying. You didn’t know the tiny little vest you were wearing opened up during your photo-shoot? Really? Something else on your mind when you were standing on a windy cliff wearing a vest that wouldn’t fit on Paris Hilton’s dog?

On the other hand, why are people so pissed off about this- Carrie Prejean didn’t even win, as a matter of fact, the only way she’d become Miss America is if something happened to the 1st place finisher, Kristen Dalton, Miss North Carolina. Wait a minute. Kristen Dalton may be in trouble. This could be a plot! Keep her off balconies and away from topless photo shoots that aren’t located on windy cliffs!

What Sucks...This Miss California Thing Vol. 2

This thing is out of control. Shanna Moakler resigned as co-director of the Miss California pageant yesterday after Trump announced Carrie Prejean would retain her crown.

People are leaving their jobs over this? In THIS economy? I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again- this whole thing could have been avoided if we just made it illegal for beauty contestants to talk. Nothing good comes from it- it’s not just this Miss California thing, or the map thing with the old Miss North Carolina- how many years have beauty contestants been saying they’d work for world peace? We have two wars now- work harder!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

What Sucks...Mocap, LLC Tomorrow Night 1:30AM

We just got some news of a bump in our ratings for guys 18-34 (up 96%!), so thanks for hanging in there with our time switch every body!

New Episode this Friday night! If you do, and you're a guy or a lesbian or bisexual chick into "fem types", you get to drool at the talented Lauren Turek!

What Sucks…This Chick’s Gay-Dar

Hun, you charged Adam Lambert with no top on! Were you trying to get his opinion on your highlights? You need to have your Gay-dar recalibrated. Scott MacIntyre can see something's is not adding up there.

Take this quick quiz- are any of the following gay?

1) Derek Jeter:

2) NYC Firefighters?

3) John Edwards

If you’ve answered “yes” to any of those, you have no idea who is gay and need to rely on friends. I’m serious- take care of this now before you start stalking Zack Efron.

Gay-dar is something you have to worry about from time to time, unlike Chinese-Dar, which pretty much, at least for me, is always on the money.

What Sucks…Extra Strength Tylenol EASY TO SWALLOW* Version

So, “easy to swallow*” doesn’t come standard with Extra Strength Tylenol? Really? Is that for all those people who like to chew the tablets? Hey douchebag, they should ALL be easy to swallow. Good enough for the late Marilyn Chambers, good enough for you’re damned headache!

You want to change it up and offer it in a different way, let me suggest- “Extra Strength Tylenol: Now Snortable!”

*denotes: what she said.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

What Sucks…American Idol: Kara Diogaurdi

Wow. Easy to get in your head much? Jeez. Last night, if you missed American Idol, and IF you missed American Idol incidentally- way to go. Way to take charge of your life and not waste your time.* Sigh.

Kara once again bit someone’s head off when they questioned her. This time, it was Simon who told her she let Kris down by the song she suggested he do. Kara in turn flipped out “You’re gonna tell me about interpreting songs? Have YOU ever interpreted a song in your life? {Noise Made By A Crow} {Noise Made By A Crow}”.

To paraphrase what an albino once told me, newborn baby’s heads have tougher skin. This marks at least the 2nd time Kara flipped on someone. The first being the time she bit the head off the Bikini Girl when she dared question her “musical talent” by dressing in a bikini and getting more attention than her.

I don’t get Kara on the show- is she there to make us appreciate Paula more? Because it’s working. Okay, I learned my lesson. Paula can drink whatever she wants. Get rid of this human Randy Jackson ditto mark.

Prediction for tonight- Gokey goes down…on Kris Allen! Adam Lambert watches! WHOO!

* denotes: does not apply to those who “missed American Idol” to watch “The Mentalist”.

What Sucks…Brett Farve

Cher’s gone on less farewell tours than this dude. If you haven’t heard, Farve is “flirting” with coming back to play for the Vikings. By the way, can we stop using the term “flirting” to describe this type of thing, Brett Farve is not in some bar buying the Vikings drinks while he talks on and on about how his wife doesn’t understand him anymore. (That’s flirting, right?)

Shows you how bad the economy is- even Brett Farve can’t retire! F you George Bush!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

What Sucks...Mocap, LLC This Friday Night 1:30 AM

Yet another GENIUS game from the fine minds at Mocap, LLC- makers of "New Jersey, The Game" and "Pac Man V. Q-Bert, The Faceoff", it's "Drunk Bunnies", the game that tells the story of bunnies, who get a a hold of some alcohol and put into jeopardy all that we hold dear.

Mocap, LLC is next on Friday Night, May 15th at 1:30 AM

Follow us on Twitter:

What Sucks… Bristol Palin

Touring the country talking about abstinence? Sweet. Finally, by the way- what took so long to plan this tour- is it that hard to find a, oh, I don’t know, babysitter! Will you also be touring the country talking about having enormous balls? YOU HAVE A KID! AS THE RESULT OF TEENAGE SEX! UNMARRIED TEENAGE SEX! UNPROTECTED TEENAGE SEX! AFTER YOUR ANIMAL KILLING MOM CUT SEX ED MONIES FOR ANY PROGRAM OTHER THAN “ABSTINENCE ONLY”!

I’m definitely going to see you speak – right after I hit the lecture Amy Winehouse is giving about not using crack. Then I’ll go to the Learning Annex Seminar Lil Wayne’s giving about living without excess.

What Sucks…This Whole Miss California Thing

What the hell is wrong with this country? Some evangelical bimbo joins a beauty pageant to get free breast implants, then says something against gay-marriage and now we as a country have to make sure every young, pretty girl who takes a topless picture has to think twice before she does it because she could lose everything she has if she decides to run for “Miss INSERT-STATE-NAME”?

EVERYONE needs to chill - beautiful breasts being shown are at risk here- the stakes are high. Don’t drag me into your culture war!

Gay people need to understand that Miss USA has no governing power. Her opinion is completely and utterly without consequence. Why is this a story? Miss California comes out against gay marriage? Really, cause I wasn’t gonna make a judgment till I heard from Miss Arizona.

Evangelical beauty contestants need to recognize that if they’re gonna say that marriage should be between a man and woman only, and then flash her boobies in a somewhat non-Mary-Mother-Of-God way, people are gonna call you on it.

Producers of beauty pageants need to make sure their contestants are not asked any questions and should actively be discouraged from talking. Always. I thought we learned that through the whole “Miss North Carolina/ lack of maps” debacle.

The media needs to stop reporting on this as if it matters! Google news this morning showed that there have been almost 2400 articles written about this- 2400! There’s 2 wars going on and an economic collapse!

We shouldn’t have the future of topless photos have to be defended by Donald Trump! By the way, this chick didn’t even win the contest!

And holy shit look at the plastic surgery Bruce Jenner has been getting!

Monday, May 11, 2009

Mocap - Our 2nd Episode:

I'm posting our show embedded- however, this is missing our cold open, nonetheless a lot of people have told me they missed the last 4 minutes of the show b/c Spike decided to have 2 douchenuts talk about Star Trek in the first 4 minutes of the show, and people got screwed up on their DVR's. Anyway, check it out I think you''ll like it- I make a funny jokes about Spanx! And you'll definitely like Kendall! (Lauren Turek)

We've got 3 more episodes to go- we're at 1:30 on Friday nights now!

Part 2:

Part 3:

Friday, May 08, 2009

What Sucks...Set Your DVR's! Mocap, LLC tonight at 1:30 AM

Spike is targeting our show to dudes who love to smoke weed and veg in front of the TV, and what better time to put it on than 1:30 AM on a Friday night. Enjoy, weed-lovers!

For the rest of you- set your DVR's to catch a brand new episode of Mocap, LLC on Friday night 1:30 AM on Spike!

Also, we'll have it online Monday morning for free as well (will get that link ASAP.)

For now, enjoy this sneak peek!

What Sucks...Shameless Plug of A Friend's Comedy Central Special!
Christian Finnegan - Jokespirations - Chihuahua Stereotypes
Joke of the DayStand-Up ComedyFree Online Games

Check out my buddy Christian Finnegan's Comedy Central special- tonight at 11 PM!

Thursday, May 07, 2009

What Sucks Presents: Things I Can’t Believe I Haven’t Discussed Yet On This Blog V.1: Tarantulas, Religious Nuts, Psycho Brides, Platform Diving!


Are you kidding me? A freaking giant, hairy, poisonous spider that can jump 8 feet at a time? This blog should have a daily post about these things!

…Religious Extremists Who Won’t Take Polio Vaccine Because They Believe The Shot Is A Conspiracy To Render Them Sterile

Hey A-holes, we could wipe out Polio, instead you think it’s a plot by our government to make you all sterile. Why is it that government can’t pave roads, but whenever someone thinks of a conspiracy plot, all of as sudden we’re governed by a bunch of friggin’ kick-ass James Bond types? I’ve had a street light out on my block for over a year and the government can’t get it’s head out of its ass, but I need someone rubbed out and all opf a sudden they are the people to call? Hey dickheads- there are not that many things we've cured- polio is one of them- get your heads out of your asses!

…Those Sales Where Women Get Some Kind Of Deal on Wedding Dresses And They Storm the Store

You women are animals- you’re buying a dress, why do you have to make it like that episode of WKRP In Cincinnati that examined the stampede at that Who concert?! Control yourselves!

…Platform Diving

What do you think, most boring sport? It’s gotta be up there, you climb up a tall ladder, and walk out on a slab of concrete, then fall off it. You make a splash, you don’t get a metal. You don’t make a smash, you’re a winner.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

What Sucks…American Idol

Look, this season’s performers actually do NOT seem like over the top douchebags. There is no “faux-hawk” this year, and for the most part, no one is pulling the Jesus card as has been done left and right in seasons past. Further, a lot of these people can kinda sing and I am WAY over hating on Adam Lambert- that guy is AWESOME.

I honestly tune in each week is to see what he’s gonna do and to see if he’s gonna do it wearing a feathered boa. That dude has everything- and by “everything” I mean enough black eyeliner and nail polish to scare the shit out of Randy Travis, and a voice like that dude King Diamond had gay sex with the lead singer dude of Queensryche. He deserves to win so clearly that his inevitable loss might just destroy Idol, which is a good thing. Last night they throw him up on stage- at the ROXY no less- WITH SLASH- and what does he do? He gets the Led out. The Friggin’ Led! Those two pumpkin shaped orbs at his feet? Balls. Big ones. Even Slash had to tip his hat to him, metaphorically- (that dude must be seriously bald he’s been wearing a goofy hat my entire adult life.)

That being said, last night was “rock night” and man did it “blow”. We had a duet of two dudes singing a Styx song- Danny Gokey butchered an Areosmith song while wearing a vest and for some reason, someone thought “Slow Ride” would be a good tune to do a duet with.

So who goes home? Hopefully Kara Dioguardi. She’s awful and if you watched last night, clearly knows nothing about Areosmith.

Caption this photo- see how long it would take you to write “Dude singing early Areosmith”.

American Idol is on Tuesday and Wednesday nights on Fox!

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

What Sucks…The Reaper

Farewell, great DeLuise. May you find peace in the hereafter and bask in the favor of the Lord who I happen to know, enjoys chubby guys who have those great laughs where it sounds like they are wheezing when they are cracking up. May Paradise for you be a place where someone is always making a meat sauce, and if you flub a line, you are not slapped in the face by Burt Reynolds.

You have given us much, Fatso, a great cameo in Blazing Saddles and sons Peter and Michael DeLuise who I believe were in 21 Jump Street and NYPD Blue respectively.

Clearly, with the passing of Bea Arthur a last week, and now the great DeLuise, the reaper is on a serious kick for underrated comic actors of the late 70’s and early 80’s. Bill Daily of the old Bob Newhart show should exercise caution.

Rest in peace, Captain Chaos- you will missed.

Monday, May 04, 2009

What Sucks Presents…Underrated Sucky Things: Warranties!

Yeah I know it’s kind of obvious and all but, how did the concept of warranties become so acceptable and commonplace in this giant crap-fest we call our society?

Think about what a warranty is- we’re buying something- usually something very expensive – a flat screen TV, a car, whatever- and we’re basically being asked to fork over an additional 65-140 bucks to make sure the thing we’re already spending an ass-load of money on, doesn’t break as soon as we get it home.

If this thing I’m buying is so shitty that its gonna break when I walk in my door, why the fuck am I at your store, buying it in the first place? Can’t I go buy a product that doesn’t need a warranty because it’s actually good and won’t break 20 minutes after I take it out of the box? Apparently, no.

Here’s an idea- make something that doesn’t fucking suck, or if it does suck, replace it without me having to give you extra money to make sure you’ll honor the product I’m BUYING from you in the first place.

It should be implicit that if I buy something - and I pay you the price we have agreed on, it thing should work, right? A warranty is like a “mediocrity tax”- it’s one of those things that slipped through the cracks of our Suck-Dar and is now totally accepted without any kind of push-back. Like those albums where Rod Stewart sings standards. We have to live in a world with that shit, and it’s too much of a pain in the ass to reverse it.

It’s like the suck-mafia is extorting us, saying, yeah- we suck so bad that this thing we’re selling is a piece of shit, and deep down, you, the consumer know it, so we’ll ask for more money so when it breaks, we’ll give you a new one.

Last time I go to Bob’s Dildo Emporium.

Friday, May 01, 2009

What Sucks...Mocap, LLC on iTunes!

I don't make any money off you purchasing this on iTunes, so this ain't a pitch as much as it's pretty cool to see the show up there on iTunes. Check it out if you want to watch Mocap on your iPhone- say you're taking a flight to Haiti, or Detroit- what better way to pass the time!

Here's a sweet review from the good people at New Tee Vee.