Friday, April 03, 2009

What Sucks…Film Festivals That Would Suck: Tony Danza

Now I know that the only way one of these (A Tony Danza Film Festival) would exist would be in some horrible “the world has turned into the film Mad Max, and the Apocalypse is at hand” type scenarios, where the death of mankind is imminent and the world is bereft of hope- and I also know that even in THAT scenario, the chances of this happening would be slim because, hey- if we’re wearing shoulder pads and fighting over gasoline and were going to have a film festival, why not just watch the “Mad Max” movies? I mean, I think they would have an added poignancy. Either way, global thermo-nuclear war or not, a Tony Danza Film Festival would blow.

Known for his shitty TV work, it’s important to remember that Tony Danza has sucked at film too. Although you may not associate him with the silver screen, that doesn’t mean he hasn’t done movies in the 80’s, 90’s and even 2000’s that given new definition to the term “eats monkey poo”.

As for the festival itself, you’d probably start off with “Going Ape”, but people, that’s as good as it would get. And that ain’t that good. From there it goes downhill fast. You have Danza, in She’s Outta Control, playing the role of a dad who’s so obsessed with his daughter getting laid that even Josef Fritzel would say “Come on, that’s not realistic!” Let’s be honest- the only thing that’s out of control in this film is Danza’s character’s obsession with his daughter’s prives.

Throw that in with “Angels In The Outfield” which by the way had less of a comedy than “Angels In America”, and you have yourself a shitty, shitty film festival.

Oh and he was in Crash too, which REALLY blew.

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